She Would If She Could / George Etherege: Amelang, David (ed.): digital adaptation for EMOTHE

Source text for this digital edition:
Etherege, George. She Would If She Could. Edited by David J. Amelang for the EMOTHE Digital Library. Valencia: ARTELOPE - EMOTHE Universitat de València, 2023.

Digital text encoding for EMOTHE:

Amelang, David J.

Note on this Digital Edition

This publication is part of the research project «Teatro español y europeo de los siglos XVI y XVII: patrimonio y bases de datos», referencia PID2019-104045GB-C54 (acronym EMOTHE), funded by MICIN/AEI/10.13039/501100011033.

This edition of George Etherege’s Restoration comedy She Would if She Could takes the 1668 quarto of the play as the basis of its critical text. All spelling has been mordernized using US English spelling conventions. All interventions made by the editor that do not appear in the original edition have been marked in between brackets; any changes made to the original text have been listed in the edition’s critical apparatus at the end of the play.

For reference and citation purposes, this edition numbers speeches within each scene; for instance, the suggested reference form for the first speech in the play is 1.1.sp1.

Notes on the Text and the Play

The play was first performed by the Duke’s Company at the Lincoln’s Inn Fields’ theatre on February 6th 1668, the year it was also first released in print. Notably, King Charles II was in attendance for the premiere, as was Samuel Pepys, who described Etherege’s comedy as “silly” and said that there was “nothing in the world good in it and few people pleased in it”. Etherege himself was not all to happy with the show either, but he lay the blame — according to Pepys — on the actors, who were “out of humour and had not their parts perfect”.

Despite Pepys’ (and apparently everybody else’s) low opinion of the play, She Would if She Could was quite popular both among readers and London’s theatregoing public of the Restoration and the Enlightenment. First published in 1668, it was subsequently re-issued in 1671, 1693, 1710 and 1711. Moreover, since its premiere in 1668 the play remained a staple of the London theatre scene until the middle of the eighteenth century, the last recorded performance taking place on January 7th 1751. After more than two centuries away from the English commercial stages, Etherege’s comedy was revived at the York Arts Centre in March 1976.

List of Characters (in Alphabetical Order)

ARIANA, A young kinswoman of Sir Joslin

COURTALL, Ned Courtall, an honest gentleman of the town

FREEMAN, Frank Freeman, an honest gentleman of the town

GATTY, A young kinswoman of Sir Joslin

LADY COCKWOOD

MRS GAZETTE, A woman of the Exchange

MRS SENTRY, Lady Cockwood’s gentlewoman

MRS TRINKET, A woman of the Exchange

MUSIC

RAKE-HELL, A knight of the industry

RAMPANT, Madam Rampant

SIR JOSLIN, Sir Joslin Jolly, a country knight

SIR OLIVER, Sir Oliver Cockwood, a country knight

SERVANT, to Courtall

THOMAS, Sir Oliver’s servant

WAITER, Francis, the waiter at the Bear

ACT ONE

SCENE 1

A dining room

Enter Courtall and Freeman, and a servant brushing Courtall.

COURTALL

1So, so, 'tis well. Let the coach be made ready.

SERVANT

2It shall, sir.

Exit Servant.

COURTALL

3Well, Frank, what is to be done today?

FREEMAN

4Faith, I think we must e'en follow the old trade: eat well and prepare ourselves with a bottle or two of good Burgundy, that our old acquaintance may look lovely in our eyes; for, for ought as I see, there is no hopes of new.

COURTALL

5Well! This is grown a wicked town; it was otherwise in my memory. A gentleman should not have gone out of his chamber but some civil officer or other of the game would have been with him and have given him notice where he might have had a course or two in the afternoon.

FREEMAN

6Truly, a good motherly woman of my acquaintance t'other day, talking of the sins of the times, told me with tears in her eyes that there are a company of higgling rascals who — partly for themselves but more especially for some secret friends — daily forestall the markets. Nay, and that many gentlemen who formerly had been persons of great worth and honor are of late, for some private reasons, become their own purveyors, to the utter decay and disencouragement of trade and industry.

COURTALL

7I know there are some weary merchants who never trust their business to a factor. But, for my part, I hate the fatigue, and had rather be bound to back my own colts and man my own hawks than endure the impertinencies of bringing a young wench to the lure.

Enter Servant.

SERVANT

8Sir, there is a gentlewoman below desires to speak with you.

COURTALL

9Ha! Freeman, this may be some lucky adventure!

SERVANT

10She asked me if you were alone.

COURTALL

11And did not you say aye?

SERVANT

12I told her I would go see.

COURTALL

13Go, go down quickly, and tell her I am! [Exit Servant.] Frank, prithee let me put thee into this closet a while.

FREEMAN

14Why, may not I see her?

COURTALL

15On my life thou shalt have fair play, and go halves if it be a purchase that may with honor be divided. You may overhear all, but for decency’s sake, in, in man.

FREEMAN

16Well, good fortune attend thee.

[Exit Freeman into the closet.] Enter Mrs Sentry.

COURTALL

17Mrs Sentry! This is a happiness beyond my expectation.

MRS SENTRY

18Your humble servant, sir.

COURTALL

19I hope your lady's come to town?

MRS SENTRY

20Sir Oliver, my lady, and the whole family. Well! We have had a sad time in the country; my lady's so glad she's come to enjoy the freedom of this place again, and I dare say longs to have the happiness of your company.

COURTALL

21Did she send you hither?

MRS SENTRY

22Oh no, if she should but know that I did such a confident trick she would think me a good one, i’faith. The zeal I have to serve you made me venture to call in my way to the Exchange to tell you the good news, and to let you know our lodgings are in James Street at the Black Posts, where we lay the last summer.

COURTALL

23Indeed, it is very obligingly done.

MRS SENTRY

24But I must needs desire you to tell my lady that you came to the knowledge of this by some lucky chance or other, for I would not be discovered for a world.

COURTALL

25Let me alone, I warrant thee.

Enter Servant.

SERVANT

26Sir Oliver Cockwood, sir, is come to wait on you.

MRS SENTRY

27O heaven! My master! My lady and myself are both undone, undone!

COURTALL

28'Sdeath, why did you not tell him I was busy?

MRS SENTRY

29For heaven’s sake, Mr Courtall, what shall I do?

COURTALL

30Leave, leave trembling and creep into the wood-hole here. (She goes into the wood-hole.) (Enter Sir Oliver.) Sir Oliver Cockwood!

(Embraces him.)

SIR OLIVER

31Honest Ned Courtall! By my troth I think thou tak'st me for a pretty wench, thou hugst me so very close and heartily.

COURTALL

32Only my joy to see you, Sir Oliver, and to welcome you to town.

SIR OLIVER

33Methinks, indeed, I have been an age absent, but I intend to redeem the time. And how stand affairs, prithee now? Is the wine good? Are the women kind? Well, faith, a man had better be a vagabond in this town than a justice of peace in the country; I was e'en grown a sot for want of gentleman-like recreations! If a man do but rap out an oath, the people start as if a gun went off. And if one chance but to couple himself with his neighbor’s daughter — without the help of the parson of the parish — and leave a little testimony of his kindness behind him, there is presently such an uproar that a poor man is fain to fly his country. As for drunkenness, 'tis true it may be used without scandal, but the drink is so abominable that a man would forbear it for fear of being made out of love with the vice.

COURTALL

34I see, Sir Oliver, you continue still your old humor and are resolved to break your sweet lady's heart.

SIR OLIVER

35You do not think me sure so barbarously unkind to let her know all this! No, no, these are secrets fit only to be trusted to such honest fellows as thou art.

COURTALL

36Well may I, poor sinner, be excused since a woman of such rare beauty, such incomparable parts, and of such an unblemished reputation is not able to reclaim you from these wild courses, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

37To say the truth, she is a wife that no man need be ashamed of, Ned.

COURTALL

38I vow, Sir Oliver, I must needs blame you, considering how tenderly she loves you.

SIR OLIVER

39Aye, aye, the more is her misfortune. And mine too, Ned: I would willingly give thee a pair of the best coach horses in my stable so thou couldst but persuade her to love me less.

COURTALL

40Her virtue and my friendship sufficiently secure you against that, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

41I know thou wert never married, but has it never been thy misfortune to have a mistress love thee thus entirely?

COURTALL

42It never has been my good fortune, Sir Oliver. But why do you ask this question?

SIR OLIVER

43Because then, perchance, thou mightst have been a little sensible what a damned trouble it is.

COURTALL

44As how, Sir Oliver?

SIR OLIVER

45Why look thee, thus. For a man cannot be altogether ungrateful: sometimes one is obliged to kiss, and fawn, and toy, and lie fooling an hour or two, when a man had rather, if it were not for the disgrace sake, stand all that while in the pillory pelted with rotten eggs and oranges.

COURTALL

46This is a very hard case indeed, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

47And then the inconvenience of keeping regular hours. But above all, that damned fiend Jealousy does so possess these passionate lovers that I protest, Ned, under the rose be it spoken, if I chance to be a little prodigal in my expense on a private friend or so, I am called to so strict an account at night that for quietness’ sake I am often forced to take a dose of cantharides to make up the sum.

COURTALL

48Indeed, Sir Oliver, everything considered you are not so much to be envied as one may rashly imagine.

SIR OLIVER

49Well, a pox of this tying man and woman together, for better, for worse! Upon my conscience it was but a trick that the clergy might have a feeling in the cause.

COURTALL

50I do not conceive it to be much for their profit, Sir Oliver, for I dare lay a good wager: let 'em but allow Christian liberty, and they shall get ten times more by christenings than they are likely to lose by marriages.

SIR OLIVER

51Faith, thou hast hit it right, Ned. And now thou talkst of Christian liberty, prithee let us dine together today and be swingingly merry, but with all secrecy.

COURTALL

52I shall be glad of your good company, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

53I am to call on a very honest fellow, whom I left here hard by making a visit, Sir Joslin Jolly, a kinsman of my wife’s and my neighbor in the country. We call brothers, he came up to town with me and lodgeth in the same house. He has brought up a couple of the prettiest kinswomen, heiresses of a very good fortune: would thou hadst the instructing of 'em a little. Faith, if I am not very much mistaken they are very prone to the study of the mathematics.

COURTALL

54I shall be beholding to you for so good an acquaintance.

SIR OLIVER

55This Sir Joslin is in great favor with my lady, one that she has an admirable good opinion of, and will trust me with him anywhere. But to say truth, he is as arrant a sinner as the best of us, and will boggle at nothing that becomes a man of honor. We will go and get leave of my lady, for it is not fit I should break out so soon without her approbation, Ned.

COURTALL

56By no means, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

57Where shall we meet about an hour hence?

COURTALL

58At the French House or the Bear.

SIR OLIVER

59At the French House, by all means.

COURTALL

60Agreed, agreed.

SIR OLIVER

61Would thou couldst bring a fourth man.

COURTALL

62What think you of Frank Freeman?

SIR OLIVER

63There cannot be a better — well — servant, Ned, servant, Ned!

Exit Sir Oliver.

COURTALL

64Your servant, Sir Oliver. Mrs Sentry!

MRS SENTRY

65 (In the hole)Is he gone?

COURTALL

66Aye, aye! You may venture to bolt now.

MRS SENTRY

67 (Crawling out)O heavens! I would not endure such another fright.

COURTALL

68Come, come, prithee be composed.

MRS SENTRY

69I shall not be myself again this fortnight; I never was in such a taking all the days of my life. To have been found false, and to one who to say truth has been always very kind and civil to me. But above all, I was concerned for my lady's honor—

COURTALL

70Come, come, there's no harm done.

MRS SENTRY

71Ah! Mr Courtall, you do not know Sir Oliver so well as I do. He has strange humors sometimes, and has it enough in's nature to play the tyrant but that my lady and myself awe him by our policy.

COURTALL

72Well, well, all's well. Did you not hear what a taring blade Sir Oliver is?

MRS SENTRY

73Ah! 'tis a vile dissembling man. How fairly he carries it to my lady's face! But I dare not discover him for fear of betraying myself.

COURTALL

74Well, Mrs Sentry, I must dine with 'em, and after I have entered them with a beer glass or two, if I can I will slip away, and pay my respects to your lady.

MRS SENTRY

75You need not question your welcome, I assure you, sir. your servant, sir.

COURTALL

76Your servant, Mrs Sentry. I am very sensible of this favor, I assure you.

MRS SENTRY

77I am proud it was in my power to oblige you, sir.

Exit Mrs Sentry.

COURTALL

78Freeman! Come, come out of thy hole. [Enter Freeman from the closet.] How hast thou been able to contain?

FREEMAN

79Faith, much ado, the scene was very pleasant. But above all, I admire thy impudence, I could never have had the face to have wheedled the poor knight so.

COURTALL

80Pish, pish, 'twas both necessary and honest. We ought to do all we can to confirm a husband in the good opinion of his wife.

FREEMAN

81Pray how long, if without offence a man may ask you, have you been in good grace with this person of honor? I never knew you had that commendable quality of secrecy before!

COURTALL

82You are mistaken, Freeman, things go not as you wickedly imagine.

FREEMAN

83Why, hast thou lost all sense of modesty? Dost thou think to pass these gross wheedles on me too? Come, come, this good news should make thee a little merrier. Faith, though she be an old acquaintance she has the advantage of four or five months absence. 'Slid, I know not how proud you are, but I have thought myself very spruce ere now in an old suit that has been brushed and laid up a while.

COURTALL

84Freeman, I know in cases of this nature thou art an infidel. But yet methinks the knowledge thou hast of my sincere dealing with my friends should make thee a little more confiding.

FREEMAN

85What devilish oath could she invent to fright thee from a discovery?

COURTALL

86Wilt thou believe me if I swear, the preservation of her honor has been my fault, and not hers?

FREEMAN

87This is something.

COURTALL

88Why then, know that I have still been as careful to prevent all opportunities, as she has been to contrive 'em. And still have carried it so like a gentleman, that she has not had the least suspicion: she is the very spirit of impertinence, so foolishly fond and troublesome that no man above sixteen is able to endure her.

FREEMAN

89Why did you engage thus far then?

COURTALL

90Some conveniences which I had by my acquaintance with the sot her husband made me extraordinary civil to her, which presently by her ladyship was interpreted after the manner of the most obliging women. This wench came hither by her commission today.

FREEMAN

91With what confidence she denied it!

COURTALL

92Nay, that's never wanting, I assure you. Now is it expected I should lay by all other occasions and watch every opportunity to wait upon her. She would by her good will give her lover no more rest than a young squire that has newly set up a coach does his only pair of horses.

FREEMAN

93Faith, if it be as thou say'st I cannot much blame the hardness of thy heart. But did not the oaf talk of two young ladies?

COURTALL

94Well remembered, Frank. And now I think on't, 'twill be very necessary to carry on my business with the old one, that we may the better have an opportunity of being acquainted with them. Come, let us go and bespeak dinner, and by the way consider of these weighty affairs.

FREEMAN

95Well, since there is but little ready money stirring, rather than want entertainment I shall be contented to play a while upon tick.

COURTALL

96And I, provided they promise fair, and we find there's hopes of payment hereafter.

FREEMAN

97Come along, come along.

Exeunt.

SCENE 2

Sir Oliver Cockwood's lodgings

Enter Lady Cockwood.

LADY COCKWOOD

1'Tis too late to repent. I sent her, but yet I cannot but be troubled to think she stay's so long. Sure if she has so little gratitude to let him, he has more honor then to attempt anything to the prejudice of my affection— Oh, Sentry, are you come?

Enter Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

2Oh madam! There has been such an accident!

LADY COCKWOOD

3Prithee do not fright me, wench—

MRS SENTRY

4As I was discoursing with Mr Courtall, in came Sir Oliver.

LADY COCKWOOD

5Oh! I'm ruined! Undone forever!

MRS SENTRY

6You'll still be sending me on these desperate errands.

LADY COCKWOOD

7I am betrayed, betrayed by this false— what shall I call thee?

MRS SENTRY

8Nay, but madam, have a little patience—

LADY COCKWOOD

9I have lost all patience, and will never more have any—

MRS SENTRY

10Do but hear me, all is well—

LADY COCKWOOD

11Nothing can be well, unfortunate woman.

MRS SENTRY

12Mr Courtall thrust me into the wood-hole.

LADY COCKWOOD

13And did not Sir Oliver see thee?

MRS SENTRY

14He had not the least glimpse of me.

LADY COCKWOOD

15Dear Sentry! And what good news?

MRS SENTRY

16He intends to wait upon you in the afternoon, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

17I hope you did not let him know I sent you.

MRS SENTRY

18No, no, madam, I’ll warrant you I did everything much to the advantage of your honor.

LADY COCKWOOD

19Ah Sentry! If we could but think of some lucky plot now to get Sir Oliver out of the way.

MRS SENTRY

20You need not trouble yourself about that, madam, he has engaged to dine with Mr Courtall at the French House, and is bringing Sir Joslin Jolly to get your good will. When Mr Courtall has fixed 'em with a beer glass or two, he intends to steal away and pay his devotion to your ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

21Truly he is a person of much worth and honor!

MRS SENTRY

22Had you but been there, madam, to have overheard Sir Oliver's discourse, he would have made you bless yourself. There is not such another wild man in the town. All his talk was of wenching, and swearing, and drinking, and tearing.

LADY COCKWOOD

23Aye, aye, Sentry, I know he'll talk of strange matters behind my back. But if he be not an abominable hypocrite at home, and I am not a woman easily to be deceived, he is not able to play the spark abroad thus, I assure you. (Enter Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin, Sir Joslin singing.) My dearest dear, this is kindly done of thee to come home again thus quickly.

SIR OLIVER

24Nay, my dear, thou shalt never have any just cause to accuse me of unkindness.

LADY COCKWOOD

25Sir Joslin, now you are a good man, and I shall trust you with Sir Oliver again.

SIR JOSLIN

26Nay, if I ever break my word with a lady I will be delivered bound to Mrs Sentry here, and she shall have leave to carve me for a capon.

MRS SENTRY

27Do you think I have a heart cruel enough for such a bloody execution?

SIR JOSLIN

28Kindly spoke, i'faith, girl, I'll give thee a buss for that.

Kisses her.

LADY COCKWOOD

29Fye, fye, Sir Joslin! This is not seemly in my presence.

SIR JOSLIN

30We have all our failings, Lady, and this is mine: a right bred greyhound can as well forbear running after a hare when he sees her as I can mumbling a pretty wench when she comes in my way.

LADY COCKWOOD

31I have heard indeed you are a parlous man, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

32I seldom brag, lady, but for a true cock of the game little Joslin dares match with the best of 'em.

SIR OLIVER

33Sir Joslin's merry, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

34Aye, aye, if he should be wicked, I know thou art too much a gentleman to offer an injury to thine own dear lady.

SIR JOSLIN

35Faith, madam, you must give my brother Cockwood leave to dine abroad today.

LADY COCKWOOD

36I protest, Sir Joslin, you begin to make me hate you too. Well, you are e'en grown as bad as the worst of 'em, you are still robbing me of the sweet society of Sir Oliver.

SIR JOSLIN

37Come, come, your discipline is too severe, i'faith, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

38Sir Oliver may do what he pleases, sir, he knows I have ever been his obedient lady.

SIR OLIVER

39Prithee, my dear, be not angry: Sir Joseph was so earnest in his invitation, that none but a clown could have refused him.

SIR JOSLIN

40Aye, Aye, we dine at my uncle Sir Joseph Jolly's, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

41Will you be sure now to be a good dear and not drink nor stay out late?

SIR JOSLIN

42I'll engage for all, and if there be no harm in a merry catch or a waggish story— (Enter Ariana and Mrs Gatty.) Ha, ha! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, are you got up? I know what you have been meditating on. But never trouble your heads, let me alone to bring you consolation.

GATTY

43We have often been beholding to you, sir. For every time he's drunk, he brings us home a couple of fresh servants.

SIR OLIVER

44Well, farewell my dear. Prithee do not sigh thus, but make thee ready, visit and be merry.

LADY COCKWOOD

45I shall receive most satisfaction in my chamber.

SIR JOSLIN

46Come, come along, brother. Farewell one and all, lady and Sly-girl, Sly-girl and Mad-cap, your servant, your servant—

Exit Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin singing.

LADY COCKWOOD

47(to Sentry aside)Sentry, is the new point I bought come home, and is everything in a readiness?

MRS SENTRY

48Everything, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

49Come, come up quickly then, girl, and dress me.

Exit Lady Cockwood and Sentry.

ARIANA

50Dost not thou wonder, Gatty, she should be so strangely fond of this coxcomb?

GATTY

51Well, if she does not dissemble, may I still be discovered when I do. Didst thou not see how her countenance changed as soon as ever their backs were turned, and how earnestly she whispered with her woman? There is some weighty affair in hand, I warrant thee. My dear Ariana, how glad am I we are in this town again!

ARIANA

52But we have left the benefit of the fresh air, and the delight of wandering in the pleasant groves.

GATTY

53Very pretty things for a young gentlewoman to bemoan the loss of indeed, that's newly come to a relish of the good things of this world.

ARIANA

54Very good, sister!

GATTY

55Why, hast not thou promised me a thousand times to leave off this demureness?

ARIANA

56But you are so quick.

GATTY

57Why, would it not make any one mad to hear thee bewail the loss of the country? Speak but one grave word more and it shall be my daily prayers thou mayest have a jealous husband and then you'll have enough of it, I warrant you.

ARIANA

58It may be, if your tongue be not altogether so nimble, I may be conformable. But I hope you do not intend we shall play such mad reaks as we did last summer?

GATTY

59'Slife, dost thou think we come here to be mewed up, and take only the liberty of going from our chamber to the dining room and from the dining room to our chamber again? And like a bird in a cage with two perches only to hop up and down, up and down?

ARIANA

60Well, thou art a mad wench.

GATTY

61Wouldst thou never have us go to a play but with our grave relations? Never take the air but with our grave relations? To feed their pride, and make the world believe it is in their power to afford some gallant or other a good bargain?

ARIANA

62But I am afraid we shall be known again.

GATTY

63Pish! The men were only acquainted with our vizards and our petticoats, and they are wore out long since. How I envy that sex! Well, we cannot plague 'em enough when we have it in our power for those privileges which custom has allowed 'em above us.

ARIANA

64The truth is, they can run and ramble here and there and everywhere, and we poor fools rather think the better of 'em.

GATTY

65From one playhouse to the other playhouse, and if they like neither the play nor the women they seldom stay any longer than the combing of their periwigs or a whisper or two with a friend. And then they cock their caps and out they strut again.

ARIANA

66But whatsoever we do, prithee now let us resolve to be mighty honest.

GATTY

67There I agree with thee.

ARIANA

68And if we find the gallants like lawless subjects, who the more their princes grant the more they impudently crave—

GATTY

69We'll become absolute tyrants, and deprive 'em of all the privileges we gave 'em.

ARIANA

70Upon these conditions I am contented to trail a pike under thee. March along, girl.

Exeunt.

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

The Mulberry Garden

Enter Courtall and Freeman.

COURTALL

1Was there ever a couple of fops better matched than these two knights are?

FREEMAN

2They are harp and violin. Nature has so tuned 'em as if she intended they should always play the fool in consort.

COURTALL

3Now is Sir Oliver secure, for he dares not go home 'till he's quite drunk. And then he grows valiant, insults and defies his sweet lady, for which with prayers and tears he's forced to feign a bitter repentance the next morning.

FREEMAN

4What do we here idling in the Mulberry Garden? Why do not we make this visit then?

COURTALL

5Now art thou as mad upon this trail as if we were upon a hot scent.

FREEMAN

6Since we know the bush, why do we not start the game?

COURTALL

7Gently, good Frank. First know that the laws of honor prescribed in such nice cases will not allow me to carry thee along with me. And next, hast thou so little wit to think that a discreet lady that has had the experience of so much humane frailty can have so good an opinion of the constancy of her servant as to lead him into temptation?

FREEMAN

8Then we must not hope her ladyship should make us acquainted with these gentlewomen.

COURTALL

9Thou mayest as reasonably expect that an old rook should bring a young snap acquainted with his bubble. But advantages may be hereafter made by my admission into the family.

FREEMAN

10What is to be done then?

COURTALL

11Why, look you, thus I have contrived it. Sir Oliver, when I began to grow resty, that he might incline me a little more to drunkenness in my ear discovered to me the humor of his dear friend Sir Joslin. He assured me that when he was in that good natured condition, to requite their courtesy, he always carried the good company home with him and recommended them to his kinswomen.

FREEMAN

12Very good!

COURTALL

13Now after the fresh air has breathed on us a while, and expelled the vapors of the wine we have drunk, thou shalt return to these two sots whom we left at the French House according to our promise, and tell 'em I am a little stayed by some unlucky business and will be with 'em presently. Thou wilt find 'em tired with long fight, weak and unable to observe their order. Charge 'em briskly and in a moment thou shalt rout 'em, and with little or no damage to thyself gain an absolute victory.

FREEMAN

14Very well!

COURTALL

15In the meantime I will make my visit to the longing lady, and order my business so handsomely that I will be with thee again immediately to make an experiment of the good humor of Sir Joslin.

FREEMAN

16Let's about it.

COURTALL

17'Tis yet too early, we must drill away a little time here that my excuses may be more probable and my persecution more tolerable.

Enter Ariana and Gatty with vizards, and pass nimbly over the stage.

FREEMAN

18Ha, ha! How wantonly they trip it! There is temptation enough in their very gate to stir up the courage of an old alderman. Prithee let us follow 'em.

COURTALL

19I have been so often balked with these vizard masks that I have at least a dozen times forsworn 'em: they are a most certain sign of an ill face or, what is worse, an old acquaintance.

FREEMAN

20The truth is nothing but some such weighty reason is able to make women deny themselves the pride they have to be seen.

COURTALL

21The evening's fresh and pleasant, and yet there is but little company.

FREEMAN

22Our course will be the better, these deer cannot herd. Come, come man, let’s follow!

COURTALL

23I find it is a mere folly to swear anything; it does but make the devil the more earnest in his temptation.

They go after the women.

Enter women [Ariana and Gatty] again and cross the stage.

ARIANA

24Now if these should prove two men of war that are crusing here to watch for prizes.

GATTY

25Would they had courage enough to set upon us. I long to be engaged.

ARIANA

26Look, look yonder, I protest they chase us.

GATTY

27Let us bear away then. If they be truly valiant they'll quickly make more sail and board us.

The women [Ariana and Mrs Gatty] go out and go about behind the scenes to the other door.

Enter Courtall and Freeman.

FREEMAN

28'Sdeath, how fleet they are! Whatsoever faults they have, they cannot be broken-winded.

COURTALL

29Sure, by that little mincing step they should be country fillies that have been breathed at course-a-park and barley-break: we shall never reach 'em!

FREEMAN

30I'll follow directly, do thou turn down the crosswalk and meet 'em.

Enter the Women [Ariana and Gatty], and after 'em Courtall at the lower door, and Freeman at the upper on the contrary side.

COURTALL

31By your leave, ladies—

GATTY

32I perceive you can make bold enough without it.

FREEMAN

33Your servant, ladies—

ARIANA

34Or any other Ladies that will give themselves the trouble to entertain you.

FREEMAN

35[Aside]'Slife, their tongues are as nimble as their heels.

COURTALL

36Can you have so little good nature to dash a couple of bashful young men out of countenance, who came out of pure love to tender you their service?

GATTY

37'Twere pity to balk 'em, sister.

ARIANA

38Indeed methinks they look as if they never had been slipped before.

FREEMAN

39Yes faith, we have had many a fair course in this paddock, have been very well fleshed and dare boldly fasten.

They kiss their hands with a little force.

ARIANA

40Well, I am not the first unfortunate woman that has been forced to give her hand where she never intends to bestow her heart.

GATTY

41Now, do you think 'tis a bargain already?

COURTALL

42Faith, would there were some lusty earnest given for fear we should unluckily break off again.

FREEMAN

43Are you so wild that you must be hooded thus?

COURTALL

44Fye, fye, put off these scandals to all good faces.

GATTY

45For your reputations’ sake we shall keep 'em on. ‘Slife we should be taken for your relations if we durst shew our faces with you thus publicly.

ARIANA

46And what a shame that would be to a couple of young gallants, methinks you should blush to think on't.

COURTALL

47These were pretty toys, invented first merely for the good of us poor lovers to deceive the jealous and to blind the malicious. But the proper use is so wickedly perverted that it makes all honest men hate the fashion mortally.

FREEMAN

48A good face is as seldom covered with a vizard mask as a good hat with an oiled case. And yet on my conscience, you are both handsome.

COURTALL

49Do but remove 'em a little, to satisfy a foolish scruple.

ARIANA

50This is a just punishment you have brought upon yourselves by that unpardonable sin of talking.

GATTY

51You can only brag now of your acquaintance with a farendon gown and a piece of black velvet.

COURTALL

52The truth is there are some vain fellows whose loose behavior of late has given great discouragement to the honorable proceedings of all virtuous ladies.

FREEMAN

53But I hope you have more charity than to believe us of the number of the wicked.

ARIANA

54There's not a man of you to be trusted.

GATTY

55What a shame is it to your whole sex that a woman is more fit to be a privy counsellor than a young gallant a lover?

COURTALL

56This is a pretty kind of fooling, ladies, for men that are idle. But you must bid a little fairer if you intend to keep us from our serious business.

GATTY

57Truly you seem to be men of great employment, that are every moment rattling from the eating houses to the playhouses, from the playhouses to the Mulberry Garden, that live in a perpetual hurry and have little leisure for such an idle entertainment.

COURTALL

58Now would not I see thy face for the world. If it should but be half so good as thy humor thou wouldst dangerously tempt me to doat upon thee and, forgetting all shame, become constant.

FREEMAN

59I perceive by your fooling here that wit and good humor may make a man in love with a blackamoor. That the devil should contrive it so that we should have earnest business now.

COURTALL

60Would they would but be so kind to meet us here again tomorrow.

GATTY

61You are full of business, and 'twould but take you off of your employments.

ARIANA

62And we are very unwilling to have the sin to answer for of ruining a couple of such hopeful young men.

FREEMAN

63Must we then despair?

ARIANA

64The ladies you are going to will not be so hard-hearted.

COURTALL

65 (to Freeman)On my conscience, they love us and begin to grow jealous already.

FREEMAN

66Who knows but this may prove the luckier adventure of the two?

COURTALL

67Come, come, we know you have a mind to meet us. We cannot see you blush, speak it out boldly.

GATTY

68Will you swear, then, not to visit any other women before that time?

ARIANA

69Not that we are jealous, but because we would not have you tired with the impertinent conversation of our sex and come to us dull and out of humor.

COURTALL

70Invent an oath, and let it be so horrid 'twould make an atheist start to hear it.

FREEMAN

71And I will swear it readily, that I will not so much as speak to a woman 'till I speak to you again.

GATTY

72But are you troubled with that foolish scruple of keeping an oath?

FREEMAN

73O most religiously!

COURTALL

74And may we not enlarge our hopes upon a little better acquaintance?

ARIANA

75You see all the freedom we allow.

GATTY

76It may be we may be entreated to hear a fiddle, or mingle in a country dance, or so.

COURTALL

77Well! We are in too desperate a condition to stand upon articles and are resolved to yield on any terms.

FREEMAN

78Be sure you be punctual now!

ARIANA

79Will you be sure?

COURTALL

80Or else may we become a couple of credulous coxcombs and be jilted ever after. Your servants, ladies.

Exeunt Men[: Courtall and Freeman].

ARIANA

81I wonder what they think of us!

GATTY

82You may easily imagine, for they are not of a humor so little in fashion to believe the best. I assure you the most favorable opinion they can have is that we are still a little wild and stand in need of better manning.

ARIANA

83Prithee, dear girl, what dost think of 'em?

GATTY

84Faith so well, that I'm ashamed to tell thee.

ARIANA

85Would I had never seen 'em!

GATTY

86Ha! Is it come to that already?

ARIANA

87Prithee, let's walk a turn or two more and talk of 'em.

GATTY

88Let us take care then we are not too particular in their commendations, lest we should discover we entrench upon one another’s inclinations and so grow quarrelsome.

Exeunt.

SCENE 2

Sir Oliver's lodgings

Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

1Dear madam, do not afflict yourself thus unreasonably. I dare lay my life, it is not want of devotion but opportunity that stays him.

LADY COCKWOOD

2Ingrateful man! To be so insensible of a lady’s passion!

MRS SENTRY

3If I thought he were so wicked I should hate him strangely. But, madam—

LADY COCKWOOD

4Do not speak one word in his behalf, I am resolved to forget him. Perfidious mortal, to abuse so sweet an opportunity!

MRS SENTRY

5Hark, here is somebody coming up stairs.

LADY COCKWOOD

6Peace, he may yet redeem his honor.

Enter Courtall.

COURTALL

7Your humble servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

8 (Starting)Mr Courtall, for heaven’s sake, how came you hither?

COURTALL

9Guided by my good fortune, madam. Your servant, Mrs Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

10Your humble servant, sir; I protest you made me start too, to see you come in thus unexpectedly.

LADY COCKWOOD

11I did not imagine it could be known I was in town yet.

COURTALL

12Sir Oliver did me the favor to make me a visit and dine with me today, which brought me to the knowledge of this happiness, madam. And as soon as I could possibly, I got the freedom to come hither and enjoy it.

LADY COCKWOOD

13You have ever been extreme obliging, sir.

MRS SENTRY

14(Aside)'Tis a worthy gentleman, how punctual he is to my directions!

LADY COCKWOOD

15Will you be pleased to repose, sir? Sentry, set some chairs.

Exit Sentry.

COURTALL

16With much difficulty, madam, I broke out of my company and was forced by the importunity of one Sir Joslin Jolly, I think they call him, to engage my honor I would return again immediately.

LADY COCKWOOD

17You must not so soon rob me of so sweet a satisfaction.

COURTALL

18No consideration, madam, could take me from you but that I know my stay at this time must needs endanger your honor. And how often I have denied myself the greatest satisfaction in the world to keep that unblemished you yourself can witness.

LADY COCKWOOD

19Indeed I have often had great trials of your generosity in those many misfortunes that have attended our innocent affections.

COURTALL

20Sir Oliver, madam, before I did perceive it, was got near that pitch of drunkenness which makes him come reeling home and unmanfully insult over your ladyship. And how subject he is then to injure you with an unjust suspicion you have often told me, which makes me careful not to be surprised here.

LADY COCKWOOD

21Repose yourself a little, but a little, dear sir; these virtuous principles make you worthy to be trusted with a lady’s honor. Indeed Sir Oliver has his failings; yet I protest, Mr Courtall, I love him dearly but cannot be altogether unsensible of your generous passion.

COURTALL

22(Aside)Aye, aye, I am a very passionate lover! Indeed this escape has only given me leisure to look upon my happiness.

LADY COCKWOOD

23Is my woman retired?

COURTALL

24Most dutifully, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

25Then let me tell you, sir: yet we may make very good use of it.

COURTALL

26(Aside)Now am I going to be drawn in again.

LADY COCKWOOD

27If Sir Oliver be in that indecent condition you speak of, tomorrow he will be very submissive, as it is meet for so great a misdemeanor. Then can I, feigning a desperate discontent, take my own freedom without the least suspicion.

COURTALL

28This is very luckily and obligingly thought on, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

29Now if you will be pleased to make an assignation, sir.

COURTALL

30Tomorrow about ten a clock in the lower walk of the New Exchange, out of which we can quickly pop into my coach.

LADY COCKWOOD

31But I am still so pestered with my woman, I dare not go without her. On my conscience she's very sincere, but it is not good to trust our reputations too much to the frailty of a servant.

COURTALL

32I will bring my chariot, madam, that will hold but two.

LADY COCKWOOD

33O most ingeniously imagined, dear sir! For by that means I shall have a just excuse to give her leave to see a relation, and bid her stay there till I call her.

COURTALL

34It grieves me much to leave you so soon, madam, but I shall comfort myself with the thoughts of the happiness you have made me hope for.

LADY COCKWOOD

35I wish it were in my power eternally to oblige you, dear sir.

COURTALL

36Your humble servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

37Your humble servant, sweet sir. Exit Courtall. Sentry! Why, Sentry! Where are you?

Enter Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

38Here, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

39What a strange thing is this! Will you never take warning but still be leaving me alone in these suspicious occasions?

MRS SENTRY

40I was but in the next room, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

41What may Mr Courtall think of my innocent intentions? I protest, if you serve me so again I shall be strangely angry. You should have more regard to your lady's honor.

MRS SENTRY

42(Aside)If I stay in the room she will not speak kindly to me in a week after, and if I go out she always chides me thus. This is a strange infirmity she has, but I must bear with it; for, on my conscience, custom has made it so natural she cannot help it.

LADY COCKWOOD

43Are my cousins come home yet?

MRS SENTRY

44Not yet, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

45Dost thou know whither they went this evening?

MRS SENTRY

46I heard them say they would go take the air, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

47Well, I see it is impossible with virtuous counsel to reclaim them. Truly they are so careless of their own I could wish Sir Joslin would remove 'em for fear they should bring an unjust imputation on my honor.

Enter Ariana and Gatty.

MRS SENTRY

48Heavens forbid, madam!

LADY COCKWOOD

49Your servant, cousins.

GATTY AND ARIANA

50Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

51How have you spent the cool of the evening?

GATTY

52As the custom is, madam, breathing the fresh air in the park and Mulberry Garden.

LADY COCKWOOD

53Without the company of a relation or some discreet body to justify your reputations to the world? You are young and may be yet insensible of it, but this is a strange censorious age, I assure you.

Noise of music without.

ARIANA

54Hark! what music's this?

GATTY

55I'll lay my life my uncle's drunk, and hath picked us up a couple of worthy servants and brought them home with him in triumph.

Enter the Music playing, Sir Oliver strutting and swaggering, Sir Joslin singing and dancing with Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman in each hand. Gatty and Ariana, seeing Courtall and Freeman, shriek and exeunt.

SIR JOSLIN

56Hey day! I told you they were a couple of skittish fillies, but I never knew 'em boggle at a man before. I'll fetch 'em again, I warrant you, boys.

Exit after them.

FREEMAN

57 (to Courtall)These are the very self-same gowns and petticoats!

COURTALL

58Their surprise confirms us it must be them.

FREEMAN

59'Slife, we have betrayed ourselves very pleasantly.

COURTALL

60Now am I undone to all intents and purposes, for they will innocently discover all to my lady and she will have no mercy.

SIR OLIVER

61 (Strutting)Dan, dan, da ra, dan... Avoid my presence, the very sight of that face makes me more impotent than an eunuch.

LADY COCKWOOD

62Dear Sir Oliver!

Offering to embrace him.

SIR OLIVER

63Forbear your conjugal clippings, I will have a wench. Thou shalt fetch me a wench, Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

64Can you be so inhumane to my dear lady?

SIR OLIVER

65Peace, envy, or I will have thee executed for petty treason: thy skin flayed off, stuffed and hung up in my hall in the country as a terror to my whole family.

COURTALL

66What crime can deserve this horrid punishment?

SIR OLIVER

67I'll tell thee, Ned: 'twas my fortune t'other day to have an intrigue with a tinker's wife in the country, and this malicious slut betrayed the very ditch where we used to make our assignations to my lady.

FREEMAN

68She deserves your anger indeed, Sir Oliver. But be not so unkind to your virtuous lady.

SIR OLIVER

69Thou dost not know her, Frank. I have had a design to break her heart ever since the first month that I had her, and 'tis so tough that I have not yet cracked one string on't.

COURTALL

70You are too unmerciful, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

71Hang her, Ned, by wicked policy she would usurp my empire, and in her heart is a very pharaoh, for every night she's a putting me upon making brick without straw.

COURTALL

72I cannot see a virtuous lady so afflicted without offering her some consolation. (Aside to her [Lady Cockwood])Dear Madam, is it not as I told you?

LADY COCKWOOD

73(To Courtall aside)The fates could not have been more propitious, and I shall not be wanting to the furthering of our mutual happiness.

Enter Sir Joslin, with Ariana and Gatty in each hand, dancing and singing.

SIR JOSLIN

This is sly and pretty,

And this is wild and witty;

If either stayed

Till she died a maid,

I’faith 'twould be great pity.

Here they are, boys, i'faith, and now little Joslin's a man of his word. Heuk! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, to 'em, to 'em, to 'em, boys, alou! (Flings 'em to Courtall and Freeman, who kiss their hands.) What's yonder, your lady in tears, brother Cockwood? Come, come, I'll make up all breaches.

(He sings.)

-->

And we'll all be merry and frolick.

Fye, fye, though man and wife are seldom in good humor alone, there are few want the discretion to dissemble it in company.

Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Lady [Cockwood] stand talking together.

FREEMAN

75I knew we should surprise you, ladies.

COURTALL

76Faith, I thought this conjuring to be but a mere jest till now, and could not believe the astrological rascal had been so skillful.

FREEMAN

77How exactly he described 'em, and how punctual he was in his directions to apprehend 'em!

GATTY

78Then you have been with a conjurer, gentlemen.

COURTALL

79You cannot blame us, ladies: the loss of our hearts was so considerable that it may well excuse the indirect means we took to find out the pretty thieves that stole 'em.

ARIANA

80Did not I tell you what men of business these were, sister?

GATTY

81I vow I innocently believed they had some pre-engagement to a scrivener or a surgeon, and wished 'em so well that I am sorry to find 'em so perfidious.

FREEMAN

82Why, we have kept our oaths, ladies!

ARIANA

83You are much beholding to providence.

GATTY

84But we are more, sister. For had we once been deluded into an opinion they had been faithful, who knows into what inconveniences that error might have drawn us?

COURTALL

85Why should you be so unreasonable, ladies, to expect that from us we should scarce have hoped for from you? Fye, fye, the keeping of one’s word is a thing below the honor of a gentleman.

FREEMAN

86A poor shift! Fit only to uphold the reputation of a paltry citizen.

SIR JOSLIN

87Come, come, all will be well again, I warrant you, lady.

LADY COCKWOOD

88These are insupportable injuries, but I will bear 'em with an invincible patience and tomorrow make him dearly sensible how unworthy he has been.

SIR JOSLIN

89Tomorrow my brother Cockwood will be another man. So, boys, and how do you like the flesh and blood of the Jollies? Heuk, Sly-girl and Mad-cap, hey! Come, come, you have heard them exercise their tongues a while. Now you shall see them ply their feet a little. This is a clean-limbed wench, and has neither spavin, splinter, nor wind gall; tune her a jig, and play't roundly, you shall see her bounce it away like a nimble frigot before a fresh gale. Hey, methinks I see her under sail already.

Gatty dances a jig.

SIR JOSLIN

90Hey, my little Mad-cap... Here's a girl of the true breed of the Jollies, i'faith... But hark you, hark you, a consultation, gentlemen (bear up, brother Cockwood, a little): what think you if we pack these idle housewives to bed now and retire into a room by ourselves, and have a merry catch and a bottle or two of the best, and perfect the good work we have so unanimously carried on today?

SIR OLIVER

91A most admirable intrigue... tan, dan, da, ra, dan. Come, come, march to your several quarters. Go, we have sent for a civil person or two and are resolved to fornicate in private.

LADY COCKWOOD

92This is a barbarous return of all my kindness.

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

93Your humble servant, madam.

Exit Lady Cockwood and Mrs Sentry.

COURTALL

94 [To Ariana and Gatty]Hark you, hark you, ladies! Do not harbor too ill an opinion of us, for faith, when you have had a little more experience of the world you'll find we are no such abominable rascals.

GATTY

95We shall be so charitable to think no worse of you than we do of all mankind for your sakes, only that you are perjured, perfidious, inconstant, ungrateful.

FREEMAN

96Nay, nay, that's enough in all conscience, ladies. And now you are sensible what a shameful thing it is to break one’s word, I hope you'll be more careful to keep yours tomorrow.

GATTY

97“Invent an oath, and let it be so horrid—”

COURTALL

98Nay, nay, it is too late for raillery, i'faith, ladies.

GATTY AND ARIANA

99Well, your servant then. Your servant, ladies.

SIR OLIVER

100Now the enemy's marched out...

SIR JOSLIN

101Then the castle's our own, boys! Hey!

[Sings.]

-->

And here and there I had her,

And everywhere I had her,

Her toy was such, that every touch

Would make a lover madder.

Hey, brave Sir Joslin!

SIR OLIVER

102Ah my dear little witty Joslin, let me hug thee.

SIR JOSLIN

103Strike up, you obstreperous rascals, and march along before us.

Exeunt singing and dancing.

ACT THREE

SCENE 1

The New Exchange

Mrs Trinket sitting in a shop, people passing by as in the Exchange.

MRS TRINKET

1What d'ye buy? What d'ye lack, gentlemen? Gloves, ribbons, and essences? Ribbons, gloves, and essences? Enter Mr Courtall. Mr Courtall! I thought you had a quarrel to the Change and were resolved we should never see you here again.

COURTALL

2Your unkindness, indeed, Mrs Trinket, had been enough to make a man banish himself forever.

Enter Mrs Gazette.

MRS TRINKET

3Look you, yonder comes fine Mrs Gazette; thither you intended your visit, I am sure.

MRS GAZETTE

4Mr Courtall! Your servant.

COURTALL

5Your servant, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

6This happiness was only meant to Mrs Trinket, had it not been my good fortune to pass by, by chance, I should have lost my share on't.

COURTALL

7This is too cruel, Mrs Gazette, when all the unkindness is on your side, to rally your servant thus.

MRS GAZETTE

8I vow this tedious absence of yours made me believe you intended to try an experiment on my poor heart, to discover that hidden secret: how long a despairing lover may languish without the sight of the party.

COURTALL

9You are always very pleasant on this subject, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

10And have not you reason to be so too?

COURTALL

11Not that I know of.

MRS GAZETTE

12Yes, you hear the good news.

COURTALL

13What good news?

MRS GAZETTE

14How well this dissembling becomes you! But now I think better on't, it cannot concern you: you are more a gentleman than to have an amour last longer than an Easter term with a country lady. And yet there are some I see as well in the country as in the city that have a pretty way of housewifing a lover, and can spin an intrigue out a great deal farther than others are willing to do.

COURTALL

15What pretty art have they, good Mrs Gazette?

MRS GAZETTE

16When tradesmen see themselves in an ill condition, and are afraid of breaking, can they do better than to take in a good substantial partner to help to carry on their trading?

COURTALL

17Sure you have been at riddle me, riddle me; lately you are so wondrous witty.

MRS GAZETTE

18And yet I believe my Lady Cockwood is so haughty she had rather give over the vanity of an intrigue than take in a couple of young handsome kinswomen to help to maintain it.

COURTALL

19I knew it would out at last. Indeed it is the principle of most good women that love gaming, when they begin to grow a little out of play themselves, to make an interest in some young gamester or other in hopes to rook a favor now and then. But you are quite out in your policy: my Lady Cockwood is none of these, I assure you. Hark you, Mrs Gazette, you must needs bestir yourself a little for me this morning, or else heaven have mercy on a poor sinner.

MRS GAZETTE

20I hope this wicked woman has no design upon your body already, alas! I pity your tender conscience.

COURTALL

21I have always made thee my confident, and now I come to thee as to a faithful counsellor.

MRS GAZETTE

22State your case.

COURTALL

23Why, this ravenous kite is upon wing already, is fetching a little compass, and will be here within this half hour to swoop me away.

MRS GAZETTE

24And you would have me your scarecrow?

COURTALL

25Something of that there is in’t: she is still your customer.

MRS GAZETTE

26I have furnished her and the young ladies with a few fashionable toys since they came to town, to keep 'em in countenance at a play or in the park.

COURTALL

27I would have thee go immediately to the young ladies and by some device or other entice 'em hither.

MRS GAZETTE

28I came just now from taking measure of 'em for a couple of handkerchiefs.

COURTALL

29How unlucky's this!

MRS GAZETTE

30They were calling for their hoods and scarfs and are coming hither to lay out a little money in ribbons and essences. I have recommended them to Mrs Trinket’s shop here.

COURTALL

31This falls out more luckily than what I had contrived myself, or could have done! For here will they be busy just before the door where we have made our appointment. But if this long-winged devil should chance to truss me before they come...

MRS GAZETTE

32I will only step up and give some directions to my maid about a little business that is in haste and come down again and watch her. If you are snapped, I'll be with you presently and rescue you, I warrant you, or at least stay you 'till more company come. She dares not force you away in my sight; she knows I am great with Sir Oliver, and as malicious a devil as the best of 'em. Your servant, sir.

Exit Mrs Gazette.

Enter Freeman.

COURTALL

33Freeman! 'Tis well you are come.

FREEMAN

34Well! What counter plot? What hopes of disappointing the old, and of seeing the young ladies? I am ready to receive your orders.

COURTALL

35Faith, things are not so well contrived as I could have wished 'em, and yet I hope by the help of Mrs Gazette to keep my word, Frank.

FREEMAN

36Nay, now I know what tool thou hast made choice of, I make no question but the business will go well forward. But I am afraid this last unlucky business has so distasted these young trouts they will not be so easily tickled as they might have been.

COURTALL

37Never fear it: whatsoever women say, I am sure they seldom think the worse of a man for running at all; 'tis a sign of youth and high metal, and makes them rather piquée who shall tame him. That which troubles me most is we lost the hopes of variety, and a single intrigue in love is as dull as a single plot in a play, and will tire a lover worse than t'other does an audience.

FREEMAN

38We cannot be long without some under-plots in this town. Let this be our main design, and if we are anything fortunate in our contrivance we shall make it a pleasant comedy.

COURTALL

39Leave all things to me and hope the best. Be gone, for I expect their coming immediately. Walk a turn or two above, or fool a while with pretty Mrs Anvil, and scent your eyebrows and periwig with a little essence of oranges or jessamine. And when you see us all together at Mrs Gazette’s shop put in as it were by chance. I protest yonder comes the old haggard, to your post quickly. ‘Sdeath, where's Gazette and these young ladies now? Exit Freeman. Enter Lady Cockwood and Mrs Sentry. O Madam, I have waited here at least an hour, and time seems very tedious when it delays so great a happiness as you bring with you.

LADY COCKWOOD

40I vow, sir, I did but stay to give Sir Oliver his due correction for those unseemly injuries he did me last night. Is your coach ready?

COURTALL

41Yes, madam, but how will you dispose of your maid?

LADY COCKWOOD

42My maid! For heaven’s sake, what do you mean, sir? Do I ever use to go abroad without her?

COURTALL

43'Tis upon no design, madam, I speak it, I assure you. But my glass coach broke last night and I was forced to bring my chariot, which can hold but two.

LADY COCKWOOD

44O heaven! You must excuse me, dear sir, for I shall deny myself the sweetest recreations in the world rather than yield to anything that may bring a blemish upon my spotless honor.

Enter Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

45Your humble servant, madam. Your servant, Mr Courtall.

LADY COCKWOOD AND COURTALL

46Your servant, Mrs Gazette.

MRS GAZETTE

47I am extreme glad to see your ladyship here: I intended to send my maid to your lodgings this afternoon, madam, to tell you I have a parcel of new lace come in, the prettiest patterns that ever were seen. For I am very desirous so good a customer as your ladyship should see 'em first and have your choice.

LADY COCKWOOD

48I am much beholding to you, Mrs Gazette; I was newly come into the Exchange and intended to call at your shop before I went home.

Enter Ariana and Gatty, Mrs Gazette goes to 'em.

COURTALL

49'Sdeath, here are your cousins too! now there is no hope left for a poor unfortunate lover to comfort himself withal.

LADY COCKWOOD

50Will fate never be more propitious?

GATTY AND ARIANA

51Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

52I am newly come into the Exchange and by chance met with Mr Courtall here, who will needs give himself the trouble to play the gallant and wait upon me.

GATTY

53Does your ladyship come to buy?

LADY COCKWOOD

54A few trifles. Mrs Gazette says she has a parcel of very fine new laces, shall we go look upon 'em?

ARIANA

55We will only fancy a suit of knots or two at this shop, and buy a little essence, and wait upon your ladyship immediately.

GATTY

56Mrs Gazette, you are skilled in the fashion, pray let our choice have your approbation.

MRS GAZETTE

57Most gladly, madam.

All go to the shop to look upon ware but Courtall and Lady Cockwood.

COURTALL

58'Sdeath, madam, if you had made no ceremony but stepped into the coach presently we had escaped this mischief.

LADY COCKWOOD

59My over-tenderness of my honor has blasted all my hopes of happiness.

COURTALL

60To be thus unluckily surprised in the height of all our expectation leaves me no patience.

LADY COCKWOOD

61Moderate your passion a little, sir, I may yet find out a way.

COURTALL

62Oh 'tis impossible, madam, never think on't now you have been seen with me: to leave 'em upon any pretense will be so suspicious that my concern for your honor will make me so feverish and disordered that I shall lose the taste of all the happiness you give me.

LADY COCKWOOD

63Methinks you are too scrupulous, heroic sir.

COURTALL

64Besides the concerns I have for you, madam, you know the obligations I have to Sir Oliver, and what professions of friendship there are on both sides. And to be thought perfidious and ungrateful, what an affliction would that be to a generous spirit!

LADY COCKWOOD

65Must we then unfortunately part thus?

COURTALL

66Now I have better thought on't, that is not absolutely necessary neither.

LADY COCKWOOD

67These words revive my dying joys, dear sir, go on.

COURTALL

68I will by and by, when I see it most convenient, beg the favor of your ladyship and your young kinswomen to accept of a treat and a fiddle. You make some little difficulty at first, but upon earnest persuasion comply and use your interest to make the young ladies do so too. Your company will secure their reputations, and their company take off from you all suspicion.

LADY COCKWOOD

69The natural inclination they have to be jigging will make them very ready to comply. But what advantage can this be to our happiness, dear sir?

COURTALL

70Why first, madam, if the young ladies or Mrs Gazette have any doubts upon their surprising us together, our joining company will clear 'em all. Next, we shall have some satisfaction in being an afternoon together, though we enjoy not that full freedom we so passionately desire.

LADY COCKWOOD

71Very good, sir.

COURTALL

72But then lastly, madam, we gain an opportunity to contrive another appointment tomorrow, which may restore us unto all those joys we have been so unfortunately disappointed of today.

LADY COCKWOOD

73This is a very prevailing argument indeed. But since Sir Oliver believes I have conceived so desperate a sorrow 'tis fit we should keep this from his knowledge.

COURTALL

74Are the young ladies secret?

LADY COCKWOOD

75They have the good principles not to betray themselves, I assure you.

COURTALL

76Then 'tis but going to a house that is not haunted by the company and we are secure. And, now I think on't, the Bear in Drury Lane is the fittest place for our purpose.

LADY COCKWOOD

77I know your honor, dear sir, and submit to your discretion. [To Ariana and Gatty]Have you gratified your fancies, cousins?

To them Ariana, Gatty, and Mrs Gazette from the shop.

ARIANA

78We are ready to wait upon you, madam.

GATTY

79I never saw colors better mingled.

MRS GAZETTE

80How lively they set off one another, and how they add to the complexion!

LADY COCKWOOD

81Mr Courtall, your most humble servant.

COURTALL

82Pray, madam, let me have the honor to wait upon you and these young ladies till I see you in your coach.

LADY COCKWOOD

83Your friendship to Sir Oliver would engage you in an unnecessary trouble.

ARIANA

84Let not an idle ceremony take you from your serious business, good sir.

GATTY

85I should rather have expected to have seen you, sir, walking in Westminster Hall, watching to make a match at tennis or waiting to dine with a Parliament man than to meet you in such an idle place as the Exchange is.

COURTALL

86Methinks, ladies, you are well acquainted with me upon the first visit.

ARIANA

87We received your character before. You know, sir, in the Mulberry Garden upon oath.

COURTALL

88(Aside)'Sdeath, what shall I do? Now out comes all my roguery.

GATTY

89Yet I am apt to believe, sister, that was some malicious fellow that willfully perjured himself on purpose to make us have an ill opinion of this worthy gentleman.

COURTALL

90Some rash men would be apt enough to inquire him out and cut his throat, ladies, but I heartily forgive him whosoever he was. For, on my conscience, 'twas not so much out of malice to me as out of love to you he did it.

MRS GAZETTE

91He might imagine Mr Courtall was his rival.

COURTALL

92Very likely, Mrs Gazette.

LADY COCKWOOD

93Whosoever he was he was an unworthy fellow, I warrant him: Mr Courtall is known to be a person of worth and honor.

ARIANA

94We took him for an idle fellow, madam, and gave but very little credit to what he said.

COURTALL

95'Twas very obliging, lady, to believe nothing to the disadvantage of a stranger. [Aside]What a couple of young devils are these?

LADY COCKWOOD

96Since you are willing to give yourself this trouble.

COURTALL

97I ought to do my duty, madam.

Exeunt all but Ariana and Gatty.

ARIANA

98How he blushed, and hung down his head!

GATTY

99A little more had put him as much out of countenance as a country clown is when he ventures to complement his attorney’s daughter.

They follow.

SCENE 2

Sir Oliver's dining room

Enter Sir Joslin and servant [Thomas] severally.

SIR JOSLIN

1How now, old boy! Where's my brother Cockwood today?

THOMAS

2He desires to be in private, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

3Why? What's the matter, man?

THOMAS

4This is a day of humiliation, sir, with him for last night’s transgression.

SIR JOSLIN

5I have business of consequence to impart to him, and must and will speak with him. So, ho! Brother Cockwood!

SIR OLIVER

6 (Without)Who's that, my brother Jolly?

SIR JOSLIN

7The same, the same! Come away, boy.

SIR OLIVER

8 (Without)For some secret reasons I desire to be in private, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

9I have such a design on foot as would draw Diogenes out of his tub to follow it. Therefore I say: come away, come away.

Sir Oliver entering in a night gown and slippers.

SIR OLIVER

10There is such a strange temptation in thy voice, never stir.

SIR JOSLIN

11What, in thy gown and slippers yet! Why, brother, I have bespoke dinner and engaged Mr Rake-hell, the little smart gentleman I have often promised thee to make thee acquainted withal, to bring a whole bevy of damsels in sky, and pink, and flame-colored taffetas. Come, come, dress thee quickly, there's to be Madam Rampant, a girl that shines and will drink at such a rate she's a mistress for Alexander were he alive again.

SIR OLIVER

12How unluckily this falls out! Thomas, what clothes have I to put on?

THOMAS

13None but your penitential suit, sir. All the rest are secured.

SIR OLIVER

14Oh, unspeakable misfortune! That I should be in disgrace with my lady now!

SIR JOSLIN

15Come, come, never talk of clothes, put on anything, thou hast a person and a mine will bear it out bravely.

SIR OLIVER

16Nay, I know my behavior will show I am a gentleman, but yet the ladies will look scurvily upon me, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

17That's a jest, i'faith! He that has terra firma in the country may appear in anything before 'em.

(Sings.)

-->

For he that would have a wench kind

Ne'er smugs up himself like a ninny,

But plainly tells her his mind

And tickles her first with a guinea.

Hey, boy—

SIR OLIVER

18I vow thou hast such a bewitching way with thee!

SIR JOSLIN

19How lovely will the ladies look when they have a beer glass in their hands!

SIR OLIVER

20I now have a huge mind to venture. But if this should come to my lady's knowledge...

SIR JOSLIN

21I have bespoke dinner at the Bear, the privatest place in town. There will be no spies to betray us if Thomas be but secret, I dare warrant thee, brother Cockwood.

SIR OLIVER

22I have always found Thomas very faithful. But faith, 'tis too unkind considering how tenderly my lady loves me.

SIR JOSLIN

23Fye, fye, a man and kept so much under correction by a busk and a fan!

SIR OLIVER

24Nay, I am in my nature as valiant as any man when once I set out. But, i'faith, I cannot but think how my dear lady will be concerned when she comes home and misses me.

SIR JOSLIN

25A pox upon these qualms.

SIR OLIVER

26Well, thou hast seduced me. But I shall look so untowardly...

SIR JOSLIN

27Again art thou at it? In, in, and make all the haste that may be, Rake-hell and the ladies will be there before us else.

SIR OLIVER

28Well, thou art an errant devil... Hey for the ladies, brother Jolly!

SIR JOSLIN

29Hey for the ladies, brother Cockwood!

Exit singing “For he that would etc.”

SCENE 3

The Bear

COURTALL

1 (Without)Ho, Francis, Humphrey! Show a room there!

Enter Courtall, Freeman, Lady Cockwood, Ariana, Gatty and Mrs Sentry.

COURTALL

2Pray, madam, be not so full of apprehension, there is no fear that this should come to Sir Oliver's knowledge.

LADY COCKWOOD

3I were ruined if it should, sir! Dear, how I tremble! I never was in one of these houses before.

MRS SENTRY

4(Aside)This is a bait for the young ladies to swallow: she has been in most of the eating houses about town, to my knowledge.

COURTALL

5Oh Francis!

Enter waiter.

WAITER

6Your worship’s welcome, sir. But I must needs desire you to walk into the next room, for this is bespoke.

LADY COCKWOOD

7Mr Courtall, did not you say this place was private?

COURTALL

8I warrant you, madam. What company dines here, Francis?

WAITER

9A couple of country knights: Sir Joslin Jolly and Sir Oliver Cockwood, very honest gentlemen.

LADY COCKWOOD

10Combination to undo me!

COURTALL

11 [To Lady Cockwood]Peace, madam, or you'll betray yourself to the waiter!

LADY COCKWOOD

12I am distracted! Sentry, did not I command thee to secure all Sir Oliver's clothes and leave nothing for him to put on but his penitential suit that I might be sure he could not stir abroad today?

MRS SENTRY

13I obeyed you in everything, madam, but I have often told you this Sir Joslin is a wicked seducer.

ARIANA

14If my uncle sees us, sister, what will he think of us?

GATTY

15We come but to wait upon her ladyship.

FREEMAN

16You need not fear, you chickens are secure under the wings of that old hen.

COURTALL

17Is there to be nobody, Francis, but Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin?

WAITER

18Faith, sir, I was enjoined secrecy, but you have an absolute power over me. Coming lately out of the country where there is but little variety, they have a design to solace themselves with a fresh girl or two, as I understand the business.

Exit Waiter.

LADY COCKWOOD

19Oh Sentry! Sir Oliver disloyal! My misfortunes come too thick upon me.

COURTALL

20(Aside)Now is she afraid of being disappointed on all hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

21I know not what to do, Mr Courtall; I would not be surprised here myself and yet I would prevent Sir Oliver from prosecuting his wicked and perfidious intentions.

ARIANA

22 [To Gatty]Now shall we have admirable sport, what with her fear and jealousy.

GATTY

23 [To Ariana]I lay my life she routs the wenches.

Enter Waiter.

WAITER

24I must needs desire you to step into the next room, Sir Joslin and Sir Oliver are below already.

LADY COCKWOOD

25I have not power to move a foot.

FREEMAN

26We will consider what is to be done within, madam.

COURTALL

27Pray, madam, come. I have a design in my head which shall secure you, surprise Sir Oliver and free you from all your fears.

LADY COCKWOOD

28It cannot be, sir.

COURTALL

29Never fear it. Francis, you may own Mr Freeman and I are in the house if they ask for us, but not a word of these ladies as you tender the wearing of your ears.

Exeunt.

Enter Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Waiter.

SIR JOSLIN

30Come, brother Cockwood, prithee be brisk.

SIR OLIVER

31I shall disgrace myself forever, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

32Pox upon care, never droop like a cock in moulting time, thou art spark enough in all conscience.

SIR OLIVER

33But my heart begins to fail me when I think of my lady.

SIR JOSLIN

34What, more qualms yet?

SIR OLIVER

35Well, I will be courageous. But it is not necessary these strangers should know this is my penitential suit, brother.

SIR JOSLIN

36They shall not, they shall not. Hark you, old boy, is the meat provided? Is the wine and ice come? And are the melodious rascals at hand I spoke for?

WAITER

37Everything will be in a readiness, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

38If Mr Rake-hell, with a coach full or two of vizard masks and silk petticoats, call at the door usher 'em up to the place of execution.

WAITER

39You shall be obeyed, sir.

Exit Waiter.

Enter Rake-hell.

SIR JOSLIN

40Ho, here's my little Rake-hell come! Brother Cockwood, let me commend this ingenious gentleman to your acquaintance. He is a knight of the industry, has many admirable qualities, I assure you.

SIR OLIVER

41I am very glad, sir, of this opportunity to know you.

RAKE-HELL

42I am happy, sir, if you esteem me your servant. Hark you, Sir Joslin, is this Sir Oliver Cockwood in earnest?

SIR JOSLIN

43In very good earnest I assure you. He is a little fantastical now and then, and dresses himself up in an odd fashion, but that's all one among friends, my little Rake-hell.

SIR OLIVER

44Where are the damsels you talked of, brother Jolly? I hope Mr Rake-hell has not forgot 'em.

RAKE-HELL

45They are arming for the ran-counter.

SIR JOSLIN

46What, tricking and trimming?

RAKE-HELL

47Even so, and will be here immediately.

SIR OLIVER

48They need not make themselves so full of temptation, my brother Jolly and I can be wicked enough without it.

SIR JOSLIN

49The truth is, my little Rake-hell, we are both mighty men at arms, and thou shalt see us charge anon to the terror of the ladies.

RAKE-HELL

50Methinks that dress, Sir Oliver, is a little too rustical for a man of your capacity.

SIR OLIVER

51I have an odd humor, sir, now and then. But I have wherewithal at home to be as spruce as any man.

RAKE-HELL

52Your periwig is too scandalous, Sir Oliver; your black cap and border is never worn but by a fiddler or a waiter.

SIR JOSLIN

53Prithee, my little Rake-hell, do not put my brother Cockwood out of conceit of himself! Methinks your calot is a pretty ornament, and makes a man look both polite and politic.

RAKE-HELL

54I will allow you 'tis a grave ware, and fit for men of business that are every moment bending of their brows and scratching of their heads, every project would claw out another periwig. But a lover had better appear before his mistress with a bald pate: 'twill make the ladies apprehend a savor, stop their noses and avoid you. 'Slife, love in a cap is more ridiculous than love in a tub or love in a pipkin.

SIR OLIVER

55I must confess your whole head is now in fashion, but there was a time when your calot was not so despicable.

RAKE-HELL

56Here's a perruque, sir.

SIR OLIVER

57A very good one.

RAKE-HELL

58A very good one? ’Tis the best in England! Pray, Sir Joslin, take him in your hand and draw a comb through him, there is not such another frizz in Europe.

SIR JOSLIN

59'Tis a very fine one indeed.

RAKE-HELL

60Pray, Sir Oliver, do me the favor to grace it on your head a little.

SIR OLIVER

61To oblige you, sir.

RAKE-HELL

62You never wore anything became you half so well in all your life before.

SIR JOSLIN

63Why, you never saw him in your life before.

RAKE-HELL

64That's all one, sir, I know 'tis impossible. Here's a beaver, Sir Oliver, feel him. For fineness, substance, and for fashion, the court of France never saw a better. I have bred him but a fortnight and have him at command already. Clap him on boldly, never hat took the fore-cock and the hind-cock at one motion so naturally.

SIR OLIVER

65I think you have a mind to make a spark of me before I see the ladies.

RAKE-HELL

66Now you have the mien of a true cavalier, And with one look may make a lady kind, and a Hector humble: and since I named a Hector, here's a sword, sir: sa, sa, sa, try him, Sir Joslin, put him to't, cut through the staple, run him through the door, beat him to the hilts, if he breaks, you shall have liberty to break my pate, And pay me never a groat of the ten for't.

SIR JOSLIN

67'Tis a very pretty weapon indeed, sir.

RAKE-HELL

68The hilt is true French-wrought, and dorée by the best workman in France. This sword and this castor, with an embroidered button and loop which I have to vary him upon occasion, were sent me out of France for a token by my elder brother that went over with a handsome equipage to take the pleasure of this champagne.

SIR OLIVER

69Have you a mind to sell these things, sir?

RAKE-HELL

70That is below a gentleman... yet if a person of honor or a particular friend, such as I esteem you, Sir Oliver, take at any time a fancy to a band, a cravat, a velvet coat, a vest, a ring, a flajolet, or any other little toy I have about me I am good natured and may be easily persuaded to play the fool upon good terms.

Enter Freeman.

SIR JOSLIN

71Worthy Mr Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

72Honest Frank, how cam'st thou to find us out, man?

FREEMAN

73By mere chance, sir. Ned Courtall is without writing a letter, and I came in to know whether you had any particular engagements, gentlemen.

SIR OLIVER

74We resolved to be in private. But you are men without exception.

FREEMAN

75Methinks you intended to be in private indeed, Sir Oliver. 'Sdeath, what disguise have you got on? Are you grown grave since last night and come to sin incognito?

SIR OLIVER

76Hark you in your ear, Frank, this is my habit of humiliation which I always put on the next day after I have transgressed the better to make my pacification with my incensed lady.

FREEMAN

77Ha, ha, ha!

RAKE-HELL

78Mr Freeman, your most humble servant, sir.

FREEMAN

79Oh, my little dapper officer! Are you here?

SIR JOSLIN

80Ha, Mr Freeman, we have bespoke all the jovial entertainment that a merry wag can wish for: good meat, good wine, and a wholesome wench or two. For the digestion we shall have Madam Rampant, the glory of the town, the brightest she that shines, or else my little Rake-hell is not a man of his word, sir.

RAKE-HELL

81I warrant you she comes, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

(Sings)

And if she comes she shall not escape,

If twenty pounds will win her.

Her very eye commits a rape,

’Tis such a tempting sinner.

Enter Courtall.

COURTALL

83Well said, Sir Joslin, I see you hold up still and bate not an ace of your good humor.

SIR JOSLIN

84Noble Mr Courtall!

COURTALL

85Bless me, Sir Oliver, what are you going to act a droll? How the people would throng about you if you were but mounted on a few deal-boards in Covent Garden now!

SIR OLIVER

86Hark you, Ned, this is the badge of my lady's indignation for my last night's offence. Do not insult over a poor sober man in affliction.

COURTALL

87Come, come, send home for your clothes. I hear you are to have ladies, and you are not to learn at these years how absolutely necessary a rich vest and a perruque are to a man that aims at their favors.

SIR OLIVER

88A pox on't, Ned, my lady's gone abroad in a damned jealous melancholy humor and has commanded her woman to secure 'em.

COURTALL

89Under lock and key?

SIR OLIVER

90Aye, aye, man. ’Tis usual in these cases, out of pure love in hopes to reclaim me, and to keep me from doing my self an injury by drinking two days together.

COURTALL

91What a loving lady 'tis!

SIR OLIVER

92There are sots that would think themselves happy in such a lady, Ned, but to a true bred gentleman all lawful solace is abomination.

RAKE-HELL

93Mr Courtall, your most humble servant, sir.

COURTALL

94Oh! My little knight of the industry, I am glad to see you in such good company.

FREEMAN

95 [To Courtall]Courtall, hark you, are the masking habits which you sent to borrow at the playhouse come yet?

COURTALL

96 [To Freeman]Yes, and the ladies are almost dressed. This design will add much to our mirth, and give us the benefit of their meat, wine, and music for our entertainment.

FREEMAN

97'Twas luckily thought of.

SIR OLIVER

98Hark, the music comes.

Music [starts playing off-stage.]

SIR JOSLIN

99Hey, boys! Let 'em enter, let 'em enter!

Enter Waiter.

WAITER

100An't please your worships, there is a mask of ladies without that desire to have the freedom to come in and dance.

SIR JOSLIN

101Hey, boys!

SIR OLIVER

102Did you bid 'em come 'en masquerade, Mr Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

103No. But Rampant is a mad wench, she was half a dozen times a mumming in private company last Shrovetide, and I lay my life she has put 'em all upon this frolic.

COURTALL

104They are mettled girls, I warrant them, Sir Joslin, let 'em be what they will.

SIR JOSLIN

105Let 'em enter, let 'em enter! Ha, boys!

Enter Music and the ladies in an antic, and then they take out my Lady Cockwood [with] Sir Oliver, the young ladies [Ariana and Gatty with] Courtall and Freeman, and Sentry [with] Sir Joslin, and dance a set dance.

SIR OLIVER

106Oh, my little rogue! Have I got thee? How I will turn and wind, and feague thy body!

SIR JOSLIN

107Mettle on all sides, mettle on all sides, i'faith. How swimmingly would this pretty little ambling filly carry a man of my body!

(Sings.)

-->

She's so bonny and brisk,

How she'd carvet and frisk,

If a man were once mounted upon her!

Let me have but a leap

Where 'tis wholesome and cheap,

And a fig for your person of honor.

SIR OLIVER

108'Tis true, little Joslin, i'faith!

COURTALL

109They have warmed us, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

110Now am I as rampant as a lion, Ned, and could love as vigorously as a seaman that is newly landed after an East India voyage.

COURTALL

111Take my advice, Sir Oliver, do not in your rage deprive yourself of your only hope of an accommodation with your lady.

SIR OLIVER

112I had rather have a perpetual civil war than purchase peace at such a dishonorable rate. A poor fiddler after he has been three days persecuted at a country wedding takes more delight in scraping upon his old squeaking fiddle than I do in fumbling on that domestic instrument of mine.

COURTALL

113Be not so bitter, Sir Oliver, on your own dear lady.

SIR OLIVER

114I was married to her when I was young, Ned, with a design to be baulked as they tie whelps to the bellwether. Where I have been so butted, 'twere enough to fright me were I not pure mettle from ever running at sheep again.

COURTALL

115That's no sure rule, Sir Oliver. For a wife's a dish, of which if a man once surfeit, he shall have a better stomach to all others ever after.

SIR OLIVER

116What a shape is here, Ned! So exact and tempting, 'twould persuade a man to be an implicit sinner and take her face upon credit.

SIR JOSLIN

117Come, brother Cockwood, let us get 'em to lay aside these masking fopperies and then we'll feague 'em in earnest. Give us a bottle, waiter.

FREEMAN

118Not before dinner, good Sir Joslin...

SIR OLIVER

119Lady, though I have out of drollery put myself into this contemptible dress at present, I am a gentleman and a man of courage, as you shall find anon by my brisk behavior.

RAKE-HELL

120Sir Joslin! Sir Oliver! These are none of our ladies! They are just come to the door in a coach and have sent for me down to wait upon 'em up to you.

SIR JOSLIN

121Hey, boys! More game, more game! Fetch 'em up, fetch 'em up!

SIR OLIVER

122Why, what a day of sport will here be, Ned?

Exit Rake-hell.

SIR JOSLIN

123They shall all have fair play, boys.

SIR OLIVER

124And we will match ourselves and make a prize on’t: Ned Courtall and I against Frank Freeman and you brother Jolly, and Rake-hell shall be judge for gloves and silk stockings to be bestowed as the conqueror shall fancy.

SIR JOSLIN

125Agreed, agreed, agreed!

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

126A match, a match!

SIR OLIVER

127Hey, boys!

Lady Cockwood counterfeits a fit.

MRS SENTRY

128 (Sentry pulling off her mask)Oh heavens! My dear lady! Help, help!

SIR OLIVER

129What's here? Sentry and my lady! 'Sdeath, what a condition am I in now, Brother Jolly! You have brought me into this premunire! For heaven’s sake, run down quickly and send the rogue and whores away! Help, help! Oh, help! Dear madam, sweet lady!

Exit Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver kneels down by her [Lady Cockwood].

MRS SENTRY

130Oh she's gone, she's gone!

FREEMAN

131Give her more air!

COURTALL

132Fetch a glass of cold water, Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

133Dear madam speak, sweet madam speak!

MRS SENTRY

134Out upon thee for a vile hypocrite! Thou art the wicked author of all this! Who but such a reprobate, such an obdurate sinner as thou art, could go about to abuse so sweet a lady?

SIR OLIVER

135Dear Sentry, do not stab me with thy words but stab me with thy bodkin rather, that I may here die a sacrifice at her feet for all my disloyal actions.

MRS SENTRY

136No, live, live to be a reproach and a shame to all rebellious husbands. Ah, that she had but my heart! But thou hast bewitched her affections; thou shouldst then dearly smart for this abominable treason.

GATTY

137So, now she begins to come to herself.

ARIANA

138Set her more upright and bend her a little forward.

LADY COCKWOOD

139Unfortunate woman! Let me go! Why do you hold me? Would I had a dagger at my heart, to punish it for loving that ungrateful man.

SIR OLIVER

140Dear madam, were I but worthy of your pity and belief.

LADY COCKWOOD

141Peace, peace, perfidious man, I am too tame and foolish! Were I every day at the plays, the park and Mulberry Garden with a kind look secretly to indulge the unlawful passion of some young gallant... or did I associate myself with the gaming madams and were every afternoon at my Lady Brief’s and my Lady Meanwell’s at Umbre and Quebas, pretending ill luck to borrow money of a friend and then pretending good luck to excuse the plenty to a husband, my suspicious demeanor had deserved this. But I, who out of a scrupulous tenderness to my honor and to comply with thy base jealousy, have denied myself all those blameless recreations which a virtuous lady might enjoy, to be thus inhumanely reviled in my own person and thus unreasonably robbed and abused in thine too!

COURTALL

142[Aside]Sure she will take up anon, or crack her mind, or else the devil's in’t.

LADY COCKWOOD

143Do not stay and torment me with thy sight! Go, graceless wretch, follow thy treacherous resolutions, do and waste that poor stock of comfort which I should have at home upon those your ravenous cormorants below. I feel my passion begin to swell again.

She has a little fit again.

COURTALL

144[Aside]Now will she get an absolute dominion over him, and all this will be my plague in the end!

SIR OLIVER

145 (Running up and down)Ned Courtall, Frank Freeman, cousin Ariana, and dear cousin Gatty, for heaven’s sake join all and moderate her passion! Ah, Sentry! Forbear thy unjust reproaches, take pity on thy master! Thou hast a great influence over her, and I have always been mindful of thy favors.

MRS SENTRY

146You do not deserve the least compassion, nor would I speak a good word for you but that I know for all this 'twill be acceptable to my poor lady. Dear madam, do but look up a little, Sir Oliver lies at your feet an humble penitent.

ARIANA

147How bitterly he weeps! How sadly he sighs!

GATTY

148I dare say he counterfeited his sin and is real in his repentance.

COURTALL

149Compose yourself a little, pray, madam. All this was mere raillery, a way of talk which Sir Oliver, being well bred, has learned among the gay people of the town.

FREEMAN

150If you did but know, madam, what an odious thing it is to be thought to love a wife in good company you would easily forgive him.

LADY COCKWOOD

151No, no, 'twas the mild correction which I gave him for his insolent behavior last night that has encouraged him again thus to insult over my affections.

COURTALL

152Come, come, Sir Oliver, out with your bosom secret and clear all things to your lady. Is it not as we have said?

SIR OLIVER

153Or may I never have the happiness to be in her good grace again! And as for the harlots, dear madam, here is Ned Courtall and Frank Freeman that have often seen me in company of the wicked. Let 'em speak if they ever knew me tempted to a disloyal action in their lives.

COURTALL

154On my conscience, Madam, I may more safely swear that Sir Oliver has been constant to your ladyship than that a girl of twelve years old has her maidenhead this warm and ripening age.

Enter Sir Joslin.

SIR OLIVER

155Here's my brother Jolly too can witness the loyalty of my heart, and that I did not intend any treasonable practice against your ladyship in the least.

SIR JOSLIN

156Unless feaguing 'em with a beer glass be included in the statute. Come, Mr Courtall, to satisfy my lady and put her in a little good humor, let us sing the catch I taught you yesterday that was made by a country vicar on my brother Cockwood and me.

COURTALL AND SIR JOSLIN

157

(They sing.)

Love and wenching are toys

Fit to please beardless boys,

Th'are sports we hate worse than a leaguer,

When we visit a miss

We still brag how we kiss

But 'tis with a bottle we feague her.

SIR JOSLIN

158Come, come, madam, let all things be forgot. Dinner is ready, the cloth is laid in the next room, let us in and be merry. There was no harm meant as I am true little Joslin.

LADY COCKWOOD

159Sir Oliver knows I can't be angry with him, though he plays the naughty man thus. But why, my dear, would y'expose yourself in this ridiculous habit to the censure of both our honors?

SIR OLIVER

160Indeed I was to blame to be over-persuaded. I intended dutifully to retire into the pantry, and there civilly to divert myself at backgammon with the butler.

SIR JOSLIN

161Faith, I must even own the fault was mine, I enticed him hither, lady.

SIR OLIVER

162 [To Courtall]How the devil, Ned, came they to find us out here?

COURTALL

163 [To Sir Oliver]No bloodhound draws so sure as a jealous woman.

SIR OLIVER

164 [To Courtall]I am afraid Thomas has been unfaithful. Prithee, Ned, speak to my lady that there may be a perfect understanding between us, and that Sentry may be sent home for my clothes that I may no longer wear the marks of her displeasure.

COURTALL

165 [To Sir Oliver]Let me alone, Sir Oliver. (He goes to my Lady Cockwood.) How do you find yourself, madam, after this violent passion?

LADY COCKWOOD

166This has been a lucky adventure, Mr Courtall. Now am I absolute mistress of my own conduct for a time.

COURTALL

167Then shall I be a happy man, madam. I knew this would be the consequence of all, and yet could not I forbear the project.

SIR OLIVER

168 (To Sir Joslin)How didst thou shuffle away Rake-hell and the lady's brother?

SIR JOSLIN

169 [To Sir Oliver]I have appointed 'em to meet us at six o’clock at the new Spring Garden.

SIR OLIVER

170 [To Sir Joslin]Then will we yet, in spite of the stars that have crossed us, be in conjunction with Madam Rampant, brother.

COURTALL

171Come, gentlemen, dinner is on the table.

SIR JOSLIN

172Ha! Sly-girl and Mad-cap, I'll enter you, i'faith! Since you have found the way to the Bear, I'll feague you.

(Sings.)

-->

When we visit a miss

We still brag how we kiss,

But 'tis with a bottle we feague her.

Exeunt singing.

ACT FOUR

SCENE 1

A dining room

Enter Lady Cockwood.

LADY COCKWOOD

1A lady cannot be too jealous of her servants love this faithless and inconstant age. His amorous carriage to that prating girl today, though he pretends it was to blind Sir Oliver, I fear will prove a certain sign of his revolted heart. The letters I have counterfeited in these girls’ name will clear all: if he accept of that appointment and refuses mine I need not any longer doubt. (Enter Sentry). Sentry, have the letters and message been delivered as I directed?

MRS SENTRY

2Punctually, madam. I knew they were to be found at the latter end of a play. I sent a porter first with the letter to Mr Courtall, who was at the King’s House; he sent for him out by the doorkeeper and delivered it into his own hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

3Did you keep on your vizard, that the fellow might not know how to describe you?

MRS SENTRY

4I did, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

5And how did he receive it?

MRS SENTRY

6Like a traitor to all goodness, with all the signs of joy imaginable.

LADY COCKWOOD

7Be not angry, Sentry, 'tis as my heart wished it. What did you do with the letter to Mr Freeman? For I thought fit to deceive 'em both, to make my policy less suspicious to Courtall.

MRS SENTRY

8The porter found him at the Duke’s House, madam, and delivered it with like care.

LADY COCKWOOD

9Very well.

MRS SENTRY

10After the letters were delivered, madam, I went myself to the playhouse and sent in for Mr Courtall, who came out to me immediately. I told him your ladyship presented your humble service to him, and that Sir Oliver was going into the city with Sir Joslin to visit his brother Cockwood, and that it would add much more to your ladyship’s happiness if he would be pleased to meet you in Grays Inn walks this lovely evening.

LADY COCKWOOD

11And how did he entertain the motion?

MRS SENTRY

12Bless me, I tremble still to think upon it! I could not have imagined he had been so wicked. He counterfeited the greatest passion, railed at his fate, and swore a thousand horrid oaths that since he came into the playhouse he had notice of a business that concerned both his honor and fortune and that he was an undone man if he did not go about it presently. Prayed me to desire your ladyship to excuse him this evening and that tomorrow he would be wholly at your devotion.

LADY COCKWOOD

13Ha, ha, ha! He little thinks how much he has obliged me.

MRS SENTRY

14I had much ado to forbear upbraiding him with his ingratitude to your ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

15Poor Sentry! be not concerned for me, I have conquered my affection and thou shalt find it is not jealousy has been my councilor in this. Go, let our hoods and masks be ready that I may surprise Courtall and make the best advantage of this lucky opportunity.

MRS SENTRY

16I obey you, madam.

Exit Sentry.

LADY COCKWOOD

17How am I filled with indignation! To find my person and my passion both despised, and, what is more, so much precious time fooled away in fruitless expectation. I would poison my face so I might be revenged on this ingrateful villain.

Enter Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

18My dearest!

LADY COCKWOOD

19My dearest dear! Prithee do not go into the city tonight.

SIR OLIVER

20My brother Jolly is gone before, and I am to call him at Counsellor Trott's chamber in the Temple.

LADY COCKWOOD

21Well, if you did but know the fear I have upon me when you are absent you would not seek occasions to be from me thus.

SIR OLIVER

22Let me comfort thee with a kiss. What should'st thou be afraid of?

LADY COCKWOOD

23I cannot but believe that every woman that sees thee must be in love with thee as I am. Do not blame my jealousy.

SIR OLIVER

24I protest I would refuse a countess rather than abuse thee, poor heart.

LADY COCKWOOD

25And then you are so desperate upon the least occasion, I should have acquainted you else with something that concerns your honor.

SIR OLIVER

26My honor! You ought in duty to do it.

LADY COCKWOOD

27Nay, I knew how passionate you would be presently; therefore you shall never know it.

SIR OLIVER

28Do not leave me in doubt, I shall suspect everyone I look upon. I will kill a common councilman or two before I come back if you do not tell me.

LADY COCKWOOD

29Dear, how I tremble! Will you promise me you will not quarrel then? If you tender my life and happiness, I am sure you will not.

SIR OLIVER

30I will bear anything rather than be an enemy to thy quiet, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

31I could wish Mr Courtall a man of better principles, because I know you love him, my dear.

SIR OLIVER

32Why, what has he done?

LADY COCKWOOD

33I always treated him with great respects out of my regard to your friendship. But he, like an impudent man as he is, today misconstruing my civility in most unseemly language made a foul attempt upon my honor.

SIR OLIVER

34Death, and hell, and furies, I will have my pumps and longsword!

LADY COCKWOOD

35Oh, I shall faint! Did not you promise me you would not be so rash?

SIR OLIVER

36Well, I will not kill him for fear of murdering thee, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

37You may decline your friendship, and by your coldness give him no encouragement to visit our family.

SIR OLIVER

38I think thy advice the best for this once, indeed, for it is not fit to publish such a business. But if he should be ever tempting or attempting let me know it, prithee, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

39If you moderate yourself according to my directions now, I shall never conceal anything from you, that may increase your just opinion of my conjugal fidelity.

SIR OLIVER

40(Aside)Was ever man blessed with such a virtuous lady! Yet cannot I forbear going a ranging again. Now must I to the Spring Garden to meet my brother Jolly and Madam Rampant.

LADY COCKWOOD

41Prithee, be so good to think how melancholy I spend my time here. For I have joy in no company but thine, and let that bring thee home a little sooner.

SIR OLIVER

42Thou hast been so kind in this discovery, that I am loath to leave thee.

LADY COCKWOOD

43I wish you had not been engaged so far.

SIR OLIVER

44Aye, that's it. Farewell, my virtuous dear.

Exit Sir Oliver.

LADY COCKWOOD

45Farewell, my dearest dear. I know he has not courage enough to question Courtall. But this will make him hate him, increase his confidence of me, and justify my banishing that false fellow from our house. It is not fit a man that has abused my love should come hither and pry into my actions. Besides, this will make his access more difficult to that wanton baggage. Enter Ariana and Gatty with their hoods and masks. Whither are you going, cousins?

GATTY

46To take the air upon the water, madam.

ARIANA

47And for variety, to walk a turn or two in the new Spring Garden.

LADY COCKWOOD

48I heard you were gone abroad with Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman.

GATTY

49For heaven's sake, why should your ladyship have such an ill opinion of us?

LADY COCKWOOD

50The truth is, before I saw you, I believed it merely the vanity of that prating man. Mr Courtall told Mrs Gazette this morning that you were so well acquainted already that you would meet him and Mr Freeman anywhere, and that you had promised 'em to receive and make appointment by letters.

GATTY

51Oh, impudent man!

ARIANA

52Now you see the consequence, sister, of our rambling: they have raised this false story from our innocent fooling with 'em in the Mulberry Garden last night.

GATTY

53I could almost foreswear ever speaking to a man again.

LADY COCKWOOD

54Was Mr Courtall in the Mulberry Garden last night?

ARIANA

55Yes, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

56And did he speak to you?

GATTY

57There passed a little harmless raillery betwixt us. But you amaze me, madam.

ARIANA

58I could not imagine any man could be thus unworthy.

LADY COCKWOOD

59He has quite lost my good opinion too. In duty to Sir Oliver, I have hitherto showed him some countenance, but I shall hate him hereafter for your sakes. But I detain you from your recreations, cousins.

GATTY

60We are very much obliged to your ladyship for this timely notice.

GATTY AND ARIANA

61Your servant, madam.

Exeunt Ariana and Gatty.

LADY COCKWOOD

62Your servant, cousins... In the Mulberry Garden last night! When I sat languishing and vainly expecting him at home! This has incensed me so that I could kill him. I am glad these girls are gone to the Spring Garden, it helps my design: the letters I have counterfeited have appointed Courtall and Freeman to meet them there. They will produce 'em and confirm all I have said. I will daily poison these girls with such lies as shall make their quarrel to Courtall irreconcilable, and render Freeman only suspected. For I would not have him thought equally guilty: he secretly began to make an address to meet the at Bear, and this breach shall give him an opportunity to pursue it.

Enter Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

63Here are your things, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

64That's well. Oh, Sentry! I shall once more be happy, for now Mr Courtall has given me an occasion that I may without ingratitude check his unlawful passion and free myself from the trouble of an intrigue that gives me every day such fearful apprehensions of my honor.

Exeunt Lady Cockwood and Sentry.

SCENE 2

New Spring Garden

Enter Sir Joslin, Rake-hell, and Waiter.

WAITER

1Will you be pleased to walk into an arbor, gentlemen?

SIR JOSLIN

2By and by, good sir.

RAKE-HELL

3I wonder why Sir Oliver is not come yet.

SIR JOSLIN

4Nay, he will not fail, I warrant thee, boy. But what's the matter with thy nose, my little Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

5A foolish accident. Jesting at the Fleece this afternoon I mistook my man a little, a dull rogue that could not understand raillery, made a sudden repartee with a quart-pot, Sir Joslin.

SIR JOSLIN

6Why didst not thou stick him to the wall, my little Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

7The truth is, Sir Joslin, he deserved it. But look you, in case of a doubtful wound I am unwilling to give my friends too often the trouble to bail me. And if it should be mortal, you know a younger brother has not wherewithal to rebate the edge of a witness and mollify the hearts of a jury.

SIR JOSLIN

8This is very prudently considered indeed.

RAKE-HELL

9'Tis time to be wise, sir. My courage has almost run me out of a considerable annuity. When I lived first about this town, I agreed with a surgeon for twenty pounds a quarter to cure me of all the knocks, bruises, and green wounds I should receive, and in one half year the poor fellow begged me to be released of his bargain and swore I would undo him else in lint and balsam.

Enter Sir Oliver.

SIR JOSLIN

10Ho! Here's my brother Cockwood come!

SIR OLIVER

11Aye, brother Jolly, I have kept my word, you see. But 'tis a barbarous thing to abuse my lady, I have had such a proof of her virtue, I will tell thee all anon. But where's Madam Rampant, and the rest of the ladies, Mr Rake-hell?

RAKE-HELL

12Faith, sir, being disappointed at noon they were unwilling anymore to set a certainty at hazard. ’Tis Term-time and they have severally betook themselves, some to their chamber-practice and others to the places of public pleading.

SIR OLIVER

13Faith, brother Jolly, let us even go into an arbor and then feague Mr Rake-hell.

SIR JOSLIN

14With all my heart, would we had Madam Rampant.

(Sings.)

-->

She's as frolic and free

As her lovers dare be,

Never awed by a foolish punctilio;

She'll not start from her place,

Though thou namest a black ace,

And will drink a beer glass to Spudilio.

Hey, boys! Come, come, come! Let's in, and delay our sport no longer.

Exit singing “She'll not start from her place, etc.”

Enter Courtall and Freeman severally.

COURTALL

15Freeman!

FREEMAN

16Courtall, what the devil's the matter with thee? I have observed thee prying up and down the walks like a citizen's wife that has dropped her holiday pocket handkerchief.

COURTALL

17What unlucky devil has brought thee hither?

FREEMAN

18I believe a better natured devil than yours, Courtall, if a leveret be better meat than an old puss that has been coursed by most of the young fellows of her country. I am not working my brain for a counter-plot, a disappointment is not my business.

COURTALL

19You are mistaken, Freeman. Prithee be gone and leave me the garden to myself, or I shall grow as testy as an old fowler that is put by his shoot after he has crept half a mile upon his belly.

FREEMAN

20Prithee be thou gone, or I shall take it as unkindly as a chemist would if thou shouldst kick down his limbeck in the very minute that he looked for projection.

COURTALL

21Come, come, you must yield, Freeman, your business cannot be of such consequence as mine.

FREEMAN

22If ever thou hadst a business of such consequence in thy life as mine is I will condescend to be made incapable of affairs presently.

COURTALL

23Why, I have an appointment made me, man, without my seeking, by a woman for whom I would have mortgaged my whole estate to have had her abroad but to break a cheesecake.

FREEMAN

24And I have an appointment made me without my seeking too, by such a she that I will break the whole Ten Commandments rather than disappoint her of her breaking one.

COURTALL

25Come, you do but jest, Freeman, a forsaken mistress could not be more malicious than thou art. Prithee be gone.

FREEMAN

26Prithee do thou be gone.

COURTALL

27'Sdeath! The sight of thee will scare my woman forever.

FREEMAN

28'Sdeath! The sight of thee will make my woman believe me the falsest villain breathing.

COURTALL

29We shall stand fooling till we are both undone, and I know not how to help it.

FREEMAN

30Let us proceed honestly like friends, discover the truth of things to one another, and if we cannot reconcile our business we will draw cuts and part fairly.

COURTALL

31I do not like that way, for talk is only allowable at the latter end of an intrigue and should never be used at the beginning of an amour for fear of frighting a young lady from her good intentions. Yet I care not, though I read the letter, but I will conceal the name.

FREEMAN

32I have a letter too and am content to do the same.

COURTALL

33 (Reads.)Sir, in sending you this letter I proceed against the modesty of our sex—

FREEMAN

34'Sdeath, this begins just like my letter!

COURTALL

35Do you read on then?

FREEMAN

36 (Reads.)But let not the good opinion I have conceived of you, make you too severe in your censuring of me—

COURTALL

37Word for word!

FREEMAN

38Now do you read again.

COURTALL

39 (Reads.)If you give yourself the trouble to be walking in the new Spring Garden this evening I will meet you there and tell you a secret which I have reason to fear, because it comes to your knowledge by my means, will make you hate your humble servant.

FREEMAN

40Verbatim my letter, heyday!

COURTALL

41Prithee let’s compare the hands.

They compare 'em.

FREEMAN

42'Sdeath, the hand's the same!

COURTALL

43I hope the name is not the same too...

FREEMAN

44If it be we are finely jilted, faith.

COURTALL

45I long to be undeceived. Prithee do thou show first, Freeman.

FREEMAN

46No, but both together, if you will.

COURTALL

47Agreed.

FREEMAN

48Ariana.

COURTALL

49Gatty. Ha, ha, ha!

FREEMAN

50The little rogues are masculine in their proceedings and have made one another confidents in their love.

COURTALL

51But I do not like this altogether so well, Frank. I wish they had appointed us several places; for though 'tis evident they have trusted one another with the bargain, no woman ever seals before witness.

FREEMAN

52Prithee, how didst thou escape the snares of the old devil this afternoon?

COURTALL

53With much ado. Sentry had set me, if her ladyship had got me into her clutches there had been no getting off without a rescue or paying down the money, for she always arrests upon execution.

FREEMAN

54You made a handsome lie to her woman.

COURTALL

55For all this I know she's angry, for she thinks nothing a just excuse in these cases, though it were to save the forfeit of a man’s estate or reprieve the life of her own natural brother.

FREEMAN

56Faith, thou hast not done altogether like a gentleman with her. Thou shouldst fast thyself up to a stomach now and then to oblige her. If there were nothing in it but the hearty welcome, methinks 'twere enough to make thee bear sometimes with the homeliness of the fare.

COURTALL

57I know not what I might do in a camp where there were no other woman. But I shall hardly in this town, where there is such plenty, forbear good meat to get myself an appetite to horse flesh.

FREEMAN

58This is rather an aversion in thee than any real fault in the woman. If this lucky business had not fallen out, I intended with your good leave to have out-bid you for her ladyship’s favor.

COURTALL

59I should never have consented to that, Frank. Though I am a little resty at present I am not such a jade, but I should strain if another rid against me. I have e'er now liked nothing in a woman that I have loved at last in spite only because another had a mind to her.

FREEMAN

60Yonder are a couple of vizards tripping towards us.

COURTALL

61'Tis they, i'faith!

FREEMAN

62We need not divide, since they come together.

COURTALL

63I was a little afraid, when we compared letters, they had put a trick upon us; but now I am confirmed they are mighty honest.

Enter Ariana and Gatty.

ARIANA

64 [To Gatty]We cannot avoid 'em.

GATTY

65 [To Ariana]Let us dissemble our knowledge of their business a little, and then take 'em down in the height of their assurance.

FREEMAN AND COURTALL

66Your servant, ladies.

ARIANA

67I perceive it is as impossible, gentlemen, to walk without you as without our shadows: never were poor women so haunted by the ghosts of their self-murdered lovers.

GATTY

68If it should be our good fortunes to have you in love with us, we will take care you shall not grow desperate and leave the world in an ill humor.

ARIANA

69If you should, certainly your ghosts would be very malicious.

COURTALL

70'Twere pity you should have your curtains drawn in the dead of the night and your pleasing slumbers interrupted by anything but flesh and blood, ladies.

FREEMAN

71Shall we walk a turn?

ARIANA

72By yourselves, if you please.

GATTY

73Our company may put a constraint upon you. For I find you daily hover about these gardens as a kite does about a backside, watching an opportunity to catch up the poultry.

ARIANA

74Woe be to the daughter or wife of some merchant tailor, or poor felt-maker now; for you seldom row to Fox Hall without some such plot against the city.

FREEMAN

75You wrong us, ladies, our business has happily succeeded since we have the honor to wait upon you.

GATTY

76You could not expect to see us here.

COURTALL

77Your true lover, madam, when he misses his mistress is as restless as a spaniel that has lost his master. He ranges up and down the plays, the park, and all the gardens, and never stays long but where he has the happiness to see her.

GATTY

78I suppose your mistress, Mr Courtall, is always the last woman you are acquainted with.

COURTALL

79Do not think, madam, I have that false measure of my acquaintance which poets have of their verses, always to think the last best, though I esteem you so in justice to your merit.

GATTY

80Or if you do not love her best, you always love to talk of her most. As a barren coxcomb that wants discourse is ever entertaining company out of the last book he read in.

COURTALL

81Now you accuse me most unjustly, madam. Who the devil, that has common sense will go a birding with a clack in his cap?

ARIANA

82Nay, we do not blame you, gentlemen, everyone in their way: a huntsman talks of his dogs, a falconer of his hawks, a jockey of his horse, and a gallant of his mistress.

GATTY

83Without the allowance of this vanity, an amour would soon grow as dull as matrimony.

COURTALL

84Whatsoever you say, ladies, I cannot believe you think us men of such abominable principles.

FREEMAN

85For my part, I have ever held it as ingrateful to boast of the favors of a mistress as to deny the courtesies of a friend.

COURTALL

86A friend that bravely ventures his life in the field to serve me deserves but equally with a mistress that kindly exposes her honor to oblige me, especially when she does it as generously too, and with as little ceremony.

FREEMAN

87And I would no more betray the honor of such a woman than I would the life of a man that should rob on purpose to supply me.

GATTY

88We believe you men of honor, and know it is below you to talk of any woman that deserves it.

ARIANA

89You are so generous you seldom insult after a victory.

GATTY

90And so vain that you always triumph before it.

COURTALL

91'Sdeath! What's the meaning of all this?

GATTY

92Though you find us so kind, Mr Courtall, pray do not tell Mrs Gazette tomorrow that we came hither on purpose this evening to meet you.

COURTALL

93I would as soon print it and fee a fellow to post it up with the playbills.

GATTY

94You have reposed a great deal of confidence in her, for all you pretend this ill opinion of her secrecy now.

COURTALL

95I never trusted her with the name of a mistress that I should be jealous of if I saw her receive fruit and go out of the playhouse with a stranger.

GATTY

96For ought as I see we are infinitely obliged to you, sir.

COURTALL

97'Tis impossible to be insensible of so much goodness, madam.

GATTY

98What goodness, pray, sir?

COURTALL

99Come, come, give over this raillery.

GATTY

100You are so ridiculously unworthy that 'twere a folly to reprove you with a serious look.

COURTALL

101On my conscience, your heart begins to fail you now we are coming to the point as a young fellow's that was never in the field before.

GATTY

102You begin to amaze me.

COURTALL

103Since you yourself sent the challenge, you must not in honor fly off now.

GATTY

104Challenge! Oh heavens! This confirms all: were I a man, I would kill thee for the injuries thou hast already done me.

FREEMAN

105 (to Ariana)Let not your suspicion of my unkindness make you thus scrupulous. Was ever city ill-treated that surrendered without assault or summons?

ARIANA

106Dear sister, what ill spirit brought us hither? I never met with so much impudence in my life.

COURTALL

107(Aside)Hey jilts! They are as good at it already as the old one, i'faith.

FREEMAN

108Come, ladies, you have exercised your wit enough. You would not venture letters of such consequence for a jest only.

GATTY

109Letters! Bless me, what will this come to?

COURTALL

110To that none of us shall have cause to repent I hope, madam.

ARIANA

111Let us fly 'em, sister: they are devils and not men, they could never be so malicious else.

Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.

LADY COCKWOOD

112Your servant, cousins.

COURTALL

113 (Starting)Ho, my Lady Cockwood! My ears are grown an inch already!

ARIANA

114 [To Gatty]My lady! she'll think this an appointment, sister.

FREEMAN

115 [To Courtall]This is Madam Machiavel, I suspect, Courtall.

COURTALL

116 [To Freeman]Nay, 'tis her plot doubtless. Now am I as much out of countenance as I should be if Sir Oliver should take me making bold with her ladyship.

LADY COCKWOOD

117Do not let me discompose you, I can walk alone, cousins.

GATTY

118Are you so uncharitable, madam, to think we have any business with 'em?

ARIANA

119It has been our ill fortune to meet 'em here, and nothing could be so lucky as your coming, madam, to free us from 'em.

GATTY

120They have abused us in the grossest manner.

ARIANA

121Counterfeited letters under our hands.

LADY COCKWOOD

122Never trouble yourselves, cousins, I have heard this is a common practice with such unworthy men. Did they not threaten to divulge them and defame you to the world?

GATTY

123We cannot believe they intend anything less, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

124Doubtless they had such a mean opinion of your wit and honor that they thought to fright you to a base compliance with their wicked purposes.

ARIANA

125I hate the very sight of 'em.

GATTY

126I could almost wish myself a disease to breathe infection upon 'em.

COURTALL

127Very pretty! We have carried on our designs very luckily against these young ladies.

FREEMAN

128We have lost their good opinion forever.

LADY COCKWOOD

129I know not whether their folly or their impudence be greater; they are not worth your anger, they are only fit to be laughed at and despised.

COURTALL

130A very fine old devil this!

LADY COCKWOOD

131Mr Freeman, this is not like a gentleman, to affront a couple of young ladies thus. But I cannot blame you so much, you are in a manner a stranger to our family. But I wonder how that base man can look me in the face, considering how civilly he has been treated at our house.

COURTALL

132The truth is, madam, I am a rascal, but I fear you have contributed to the making me so. Be not as unmerciful as the devil is to a poor sinner.

MRS SENTRY

133Did you ever see the like? Never trust me, if he has not the confidence to make my virtuous lady accessory to his wickedness.

LADY COCKWOOD

134Ay Sentry! ’Tis a miracle if my honor escapes, considering the access which his greatness with Sir Oliver has given him daily to me.

FREEMAN

135Faith, ladies, we did not counterfeit these letters, we are abused as well as you.

COURTALL

136I received mine from a porter at the King's Playhouse, and I will show it you that you may see if you know the hand.

LADY COCKWOOD

137 [To Sentry]Sentry, are you sure they never saw any of your writing?

COURTALL

138'Sdeath! I am so discomposed I know not where I have put it.

MRS SENTRY

139 [To Lady Courtall]Oh madam! Now I remember myself, Mrs Gatty helped me once to indite a letter to my sweet-heart.

LADY COCKWOOD

140 [To Sentry]Forgetful wench! Then I am undone!

COURTALL

141Oh, here it is... Hey, who's here?

As he has the letter in hand, enter Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver and Rake-hell, all drunk, with Music.

SIR JOSLIN, SIR OLIVER, RAKE-HELL AND MUSIC

142

(They sing.)

She's no mistress of mine

That drinks not her wine,

Or frowns at my friends’ drinking motions;

If my heart thou would'st gain,

Drink thy bottle of champagne,

’Twill serve thee for paint and love potions.

SIR OLIVER

143Who's here? Courtall! In my lady's company! I'll dispatch him presently! Help me, brother Jolly!

He draws.

LADY COCKWOOD

144For heaven’s sake, Sir Oliver!

COURTALL

145 (Drawing)What do you mean, sir?

SIR OLIVER

146I'll teach you more manners than to make your attempts on my lady, sir!

LADY COCKWOOD AND SENTRY

147Oh! Murder! Murder!

They shriek.

LADY COCKWOOD

148Save my dear Sir Oliver! oh, my dear Sir Oliver!

The young ladies [Ariana, Gatty] shriek and run out; they all [Freeman, Sir Joslin, Rake-hell] draw to part 'em; they [Sir Oliver, Courtall] fight off the stage; she [Lady Cockwood] shrieks and runs out

ACT FIVE

SCENE 1

Sir Oliver's dining room

Enter Lady Cockwood, table, and carpet.

LADY COCKWOOD

1I did not think he had been so desperate in his drink. If they had kiled one another, I had then been revenged, and freed from all my fears... Enter Sentry. Sentry, your carelessness and forgetfulness some time or other will undo me! Had not Sir Oliver and Sir Joslin came so luckily into the garden, the letters had been discovered and my honor left to the mercy of a false man and two young fleering girls. Did you speak to Mr Freeman unperceived in the hurry?

MRS SENTRY

2I did, madam, and he promised me to disengage himself as soon as possibly he could and wait upon your ladyship with all secrecy.

LADY COCKWOOD

3I have some reason to believe him a man of honor.

MRS SENTRY

4Methinks indeed his very look, madam, speaks him to be much more a gentleman than Mr Courtall. But I was unwilling before now to let your ladyship know my opinion for fear of offending your inclinations.

LADY COCKWOOD

5I hope by his means to get these letters into my own hands and so prevent the inconveniencies they may bring upon my honor.

MRS SENTRY

6I wonder, madam, what should be Sir Oliver's quarrel to Mr Courtall.

LADY COCKWOOD

7You know how apt he is to be suspicious in his drink. ’Tis very likely he thought Mr Courtall betrayed him at the Bear today.

MRS SENTRY

8Pray heaven he be not jealous of your ladyship, finding you abroad so unexpectedly. If he be, we shall have a sad hand of him when he comes home, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

9I should have apprehended it much myself, Sentry, if his drunkenness had not unadvisedly engaged him in his quarrel. As soon as he grows a little sober I am sure his fear will bring him home and make him apply himself to me with all humility and kindness. For he is ever under hand fain to use my interest and discretion to make friends to compound these businesses or to get an order for the securing his person and his honor.

MRS SENTRY

10I believe verily Mr Courtall would have been so rude to have killed him if Mr Freeman and the rest had not civilly interposed their weapons.

LADY COCKWOOD

11Heavens forbid! Though he be a wicked man, I am obliged in duty to love him. Whither did my cousins go after we came home, Sentry?

MRS SENTRY

12They are at the next door, madam, laughing and playing at Lantrelou with my old Lady Love-youth and her daughters.

LADY COCKWOOD

13I hope they will not come home then to interrupt my affairs with Mr Freeman. (Knocking without). Hark, somebody knocks! It may be him, run down quickly.

MRS SENTRY

14I fly, madam.

Exit Sentry.

LADY COCKWOOD

15Now if he has a real inclination for my person I'll give him a handsome opportunity to reveal it.

Enter Sentry and Freeman.

FREEMAN

16Your servant, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

17Oh Mr Freeman! This unlucky accident has robbed me of all my quiet. I am almost distracted with thinking of the danger Sir Oliver's dear life is in.

FREEMAN

18You need not fear, madam, all things will be reconciled again tomorrow.

MRS SENTRY

19You would not blame my lady's apprehensions, did you but know the tenderness of her affections.

LADY COCKWOOD

20Mr Courtall is a false and merciless man.

FREEMAN

21He has always owned a great respect for your ladyship, and I never heard him mention you with the least dishonor.

LADY COCKWOOD

22He cannot without injuring the truth, heaven knows my innocence. I hope you did not let him know, sir, of your coming hither.

FREEMAN

23I should never merit the happiness to wait upon you again had I so abused this extraordinary favor, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

24If I have done anything unbeseeming my honor I hope you will be just, sir, and impute it to my fear. I know no man so proper to compose this unfortunate difference as yourself, and if a lady's tears and prayers have power to move you to compassion I know you will employ your utmost endeavor to preserve me and my dear Sir Oliver.

FREEMAN

25Do not, madam, afflict yourself so much: I dare engage my life and his life and honor shall be both secure.

LADY COCKWOOD

26You are truly noble, sir. I was so distracted with my fears that I cannot well remember how we parted at the Spring Garden.

FREEMAN

27We all divided, madam. After your ladyship and the young ladies were gone together, Sir Oliver, Sir Joslin, and the company with them took one boat, and Mr Courtall and I another.

LADY COCKWOOD

28Then I need not apprehend their meeting again tonight.

FREEMAN

29You need not, madam. I left Mr Courtall in his chamber, wondering what should make Sir Oliver draw upon him and fretting and fuming about the trick that was put upon us with the letters today.

LADY COCKWOOD

30Oh! I had almost forgot myself. I assure you, sir, those letters were sent by one that has no inclination to be an enemy of yours. (Knocking below). Somebody knocks. Exit Sentry. If it be Sir Oliver I am undone, he will hate me mortally if he does but suspect I use any secret means to hinder him from justifying his reputation honorably to the world.

Enter Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

31Oh madam! Here is Mr Courtall below in the entry, discharging a coachman. I told him your ladyship was busy but he would not hear me and I find, do what I can, he will come up.

LADY COCKWOOD

32I would not willingly suspect you, sir.

FREEMAN

33I have deceived him, madam, in my coming hither and am as unwilling he should find me here as you can be.

LADY COCKWOOD

34He will not believe my innocent business with you but will raise a new scandal on my honor and publish it to the whole town.

MRS SENTRY

35Let him step into the closet, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

36Quick, sir, quick, I beseech you, I will send him away again immediately.

[Exit Freeman into the closet.] Enter Courtall.

LADY COCKWOOD

37Mr Courtall! Have you no sense of honor nor modesty left? After so many injuries to come into our house, and without my approbation rudely press upon my retirement thus?

COURTALL

38Pray, madam, hear my business.

LADY COCKWOOD

39Thy business is maliciously to pursue my ruin. Thou com’st with a base design to have Sir Oliver catch thee here and destroy the only happiness I have.

COURTALL

40I come, madam, to beg your pardon for the fault I did unwillingly commit, and to know of you the reason of Sir Oliver's quarrel to me.

LADY COCKWOOD

41Thy guilty conscience is able to tell thee that, vain and ungrateful man!

COURTALL

42I am innocent, madam, of all things that may offend him. And I am sure, if you would but hear me, I should remove the justice of your quarrel too.

LADY COCKWOOD

43You are mistaken, sir, if you think I am concerned for your going to the Spring Garden this evening. My quarrel is the same with Sir Oliver, and is so just that thou deserv’st to be poisoned for what thou hast done.

COURTALL

44Pray, madam, let me know my fault.

LADY COCKWOOD

45I blush to think upon’t. Sir Oliver, since we came from the Bear, has heard something thou hast said concerning me. But what it is I could not get him to discover. He told me 'twas enough for me to know he was satisfied of my innocence.

COURTALL

46This is mere passion, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

47This is the usual revenge of such base men as thou art, when they cannot compass their ends, with their venomous tongues to blast the honor of a lady.

COURTALL

48This is a sudden alteration, madam. Within these few hours you had a kinder opinion of me.

LADY COCKWOOD

49'Tis no wonder you brag of favors behind my back, that have the impudence to upbraid me with kindness to my face. Dost thou think I could ever have a good thought of thee, whom I have always found so treacherous in thy friendship to Sir Oliver?

(Knock at the door.)

Enter Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

50Oh madam! Here is Sir Oliver come home!

LADY COCKWOOD

51O heavens! I shall be believed guilty now and he will kill us both.

He [Courtall] draws.

COURTALL

52I warrant you, madam, I'll defend your life.

LADY COCKWOOD

53Oh! There will be murder, murder! For heaven’s sake, sir, hide yourself in some corner or other.

COURTALL

54I'll step into that closet, madam.

MRS SENTRY

55Hold, hold, sir, by no means! His pipes and his tobacco box lie there, and he always goes in to fetch 'em.

LADY COCKWOOD

56Your malice will soon be at an end. Heaven knows what will be the fatal consequence of your being found here.

MRS SENTRY

57Madam, let him creep under the table, the carpet is long enough to hide him.

LADY COCKWOOD

58Have you good nature enough to save the life and reputation of a lady?

COURTALL

59Anything to oblige you, madam.

He goes under the table.

LADY COCKWOOD

60 (Running to the closet [to Freeman])Be sure you do not stir, sir, whatsoever happens.

COURTALL

61Not unless he pulls me out by the ears.

MRS SENTRY

62[Aside]Good! He thinks my lady speaks to him.

Enter Sir Oliver.

LADY COCKWOOD

63My dear Sir Oliver—

SIR OLIVER

64I am unworthy of this kindness, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

65Nay, I intend to chide you for your naughtiness anon, but I cannot choose but hug thee and kiss thee a little first. I was afraid I should never have had thee alive within these arms again.

SIR OLIVER

66Your goodness does so increase my shame I know not what to say, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

67Well, I am glad I have thee safe at home. I will lock thee up above in my chamber and will not so much as trust thee downstairs till there be an end of this quarrel.

SIR OLIVER

68I was so little myself I knew not what I did, else I had not exposed my person to so much danger before thy face.

MRS SENTRY

69'Twas cruelly done, sir, knowing the killing concerns my lady has for you.

LADY COCKWOOD

70If Mr Courtall had killed thee I was resolved not to survive thee. But before I had died I would have dearly revenged thy murder.

SIR OLIVER

71As soon as I had recollected myself a little I could not rest till I came home to give thee this satisfaction, that I will do nothing without thy advice and approbation, my dear. I know thy love makes thy life depend upon mine, and it is unreasonable I should upon my own rash head hazard that though it be for the justification of thy honor. [Knocks over a China orange on top of the table.] Ud’s me! I have let fall a China orange that was recommended to me for one of the best that came over this year. 'Slife, light the candle, Sentry, 'tis run under the table.

(Knock.)

LADY COCKWOOD

72Oh, I am not well!

Sentry takes up the candle, there is a great knocking at the door, she runs away with the candle.

MRS SENTRY

73Oh heaven! Who's that that knocks so hastily?

SIR OLIVER

74Why, Sentry! Bring back the candle! Are you mad to leave us in the dark, and your lady not well? How is it, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

75For heaven’s sake, run after her, Sir Oliver! Snatch the candle out of her hand and teach her more manners.

SIR OLIVER

76I will, my dear.

[Exit Sir Oliver.]

LADY COCKWOOD

77[Aside]What shall I do? Was ever woman so unfortunate in the management of affairs!

COURTALL

78[Aside]What will become of me now?

LADY COCKWOOD

79[Aside]It must be so, I had better trust my honor to the mercy of them two than be betrayed to my husband. Mr Courtall, give me your hand quickly, I beseech you.

COURTALL

80Here, here, madam. What's to be done now?

LADY COCKWOOD

81I will put you into the closet, sir.

COURTALL

82He'll be coming in for his tobacco box and pipes.

LADY COCKWOOD

83Never fear that, sir.

FREEMAN

84[Aside] out of the closet doorNow shall I be discovered! Pox on your honorable intrigue, would I were safe at Gifford’s.

LADY COCKWOOD

85Here, here, sir, this is the door: whatsoever you feel be not frighted, for should you make the least disturbance you will destroy the life and, what is more, the honor of an unfortunate lady.

COURTALL

86So, so, if you have occasion to remove again make no ceremony, madam.

[Exit Courtall into the closet.] Enter Sir Oliver, Sentry, Ariana, Gatty.

SIR OLIVER

87Here is the candle. How dost thou, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

88I could not imagine, Sentry, you had been so ill-bred to run away and leave your master and me in the dark!

MRS SENTRY

89I thought there had been another candle upon the table, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

90Good! You thought! You are always excusing of your carelessness. Such another misdemeanor—

SIR OLIVER

91Prithee, my dear, forgive her.

LADY COCKWOOD

92The truth is I ought not to be very angry with her at present, 'tis a good natured creature. She was so frighted for fear of thy being mischiefed in the Spring Garden that I verily believe she scarce knows what she does yet.

SIR OLIVER

93Light the candle, Sentry, that I may look for my orange.

LADY COCKWOOD

94You have been at my Lady Love-youth’s, cousins, I hear.

ARIANA

95We have, madam.

GATTY

96She charged us to remember her service to you.

SIR OLIVER

97 [Picks up the orange.]So, here it is, my dear, I brought it home on purpose for thee.

LADY COCKWOOD

98'Tis a lovely orange indeed! Thank you, my dear. I am so discomposed with the fright I have had that I would fain be at rest.

SIR OLIVER

99Get a candle, Sentry. Will you go to bed, my dear?

LADY COCKWOOD

100With all my heart, Sir Oliver. ’Tis late, cousins, you had best retire to your chamber too.

GATTY

101We shall not stay long here, madam.

SIR OLIVER

102Come, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

103Good night, cousins.

GATTY AND ARIANA

104Your servant, madam.

Exeunt Sir Oliver, Lady Cockwood, and Sentry.

ARIANA

105I cannot but think of those letters, sister.

GATTY

106That is, you cannot but think of Mr Freeman, sister. I perceive he runs in thy head as much as a new gown uses to do in the country the night before 'tis expected from London.

ARIANA

107You need not talk, for I am sure the losses of an unlucky gamester are not more his meditation than Mr Courtall is yours.

GATTY

108He has made some slight impression on my memory, I confess. But I hope a night will wear him out again as it does the noise of a fiddle after dancing.

ARIANA

109Love, like some stains, will wear out of itself, I know, but not in such a little time as you talk of, sister.

GATTY

110It cannot last longer than the stain of a mulberry at most. The next season out that goes, and my heart cannot be long unfruitful, sure.

ARIANA

111Well, I cannot believe they forged these letters. What should be their end?

GATTY

112That you may easily guess at. But methinks they took a very improper way to compass it.

ARIANA

113It looks more like the malice or jealousy of a woman than the design of two witty men.

GATTY

114If this should prove a fetch of her ladyship’s now that is a-playing the loving hypocrite above with her dear Sir Oliver.

ARIANA

115How unluckily we were interrupted when they were going to show us the hand!

GATTY

116That might have discovered all. I have a small suspicion that there has been a little familiarity between her ladyship and Mr Courtall.

ARIANA

117Our finding of 'em together in the Exchange, and several passages I observed at the Bear, have almost made me of the same opinion.

GATTY

118Yet I would fain believe the continuance of it is more her desire than his inclination. That which makes me mistrust him most is her knowing we made 'em an appointment.

ARIANA

119If she were jealous of Mr Courtall she would not be jealous of Mr Freeman too. They both pretend to have received letters.

GATTY

120There is something in it more than we are able to imagine. Time will make it out, I hope, to the advantage of the gentlemen.

ARIANA

121I would gladly have it so. For I believe, should they give us a just cause, we should find it a hard task to hate them.

GATTY

122How I love the song I learnt th'other day, since I saw them in the Mulberry Garden!

(She sings.)

-->

To little or no purpose I spent many days,

In ranging the park, th'Exchange and th' plays;

For ne'er in my rambles till now did I prove

So lucky to meet with the man I could love.

Oh! how I am pleased when I think on this man,

That I find I must love, let me do what I can!

How long I shall love him, I can no more tell,

Than had I a fever when I should be well.

My passion shall kill me before I will show it,

And yet I would give all the world he did know it;

But oh, how I sigh when I think should he woo me,

I cannot deny what I know would undo me!

ARIANA

123Fye, sister, thou art so wanton.

GATTY

124I hate to dissemble when I need not. ‘Twould look as affected in us to be reserved now w'are alone as for a player to maintain the character she acts in the tiring room.

ARIANA

125Prithee sing a good song.

GATTY

126Now art thou for a melancholy madrigal, composed by some amorous coxcomb who swears in all companies he loves his mistress so well that he would not do her the injury were she willing to grant him the favor, and it may be is sot enough to believe he would oblige her in keeping his oath too.

ARIANA

127Well, I will reach thee thy guitar out of the closet to take thee off of this subject.

GATTY

128I'd rather be a nun than a lover at thy rate. Devotion is not able to make me half so serious as love has made thee already.

Ariana opens the closet, Courtall and Freeman come out.

COURTALL

129Ha, Freeman! Is this your business with a lawyer? Here's a new discovery, i'faith!

They [Ariana and Gatty] shriek and run out.

FREEMAN

130Peace, man! I will satisfy your jealousy hereafter. Since we have made this lucky discovery, let us mind the present businesses.

Courtall and Freeman catch the ladies and bring them back.

COURTALL

131Nay, ladies, now we have caught you there is no escaping till w'are come to a right understanding.

Enter Lady Cockwood and Sir Oliver and Sentry.

FREEMAN

132Come, never blush, we are as loving as you can be for your hearts, I assure you.

COURTALL

133Had it not been our good fortunes to have been concealed here, you would have had ill nature enough to dissemble with us at least a fortnight longer.

LADY COCKWOOD

134What's the matter with you here? Are you mad, cousins? Bless me, Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman in our house at these unseasonable hours?

SIR OLIVER

135Fetch me down my longsword, Sentry! I lay my life Courtall has been tempting the honor of the young ladies!

LADY COCKWOOD

136Oh, my dear!

She [Lady Cockwood] holds him [Sir Oliver].

GATTY

137We are almost scared out of our wits! My sister went to reach my guitar out of the closet and found 'em both shut up there.

LADY COCKWOOD

138Come, come, this will not serve your turn. I am afraid you had a design secretly to convey 'em into your chamber! Well, I will have no more of these doings in my family, my dear. Sir Joslin shall remove these girls tomorrow.

FREEMAN

139You injure the young ladies, madam. Their surprise shows their innocence.

COURTALL

140If anybody be to blame it is Mr. Sentry.

MRS SENTRY

141What mean you, sir? Heaven knows I know no more of their being here—

COURTALL

142Nay, nay, Mrs Sentry, you need not be ashamed to own the doing of a couple of young gentlemen such a good office.

MRS SENTRY

143Do not think to put your tricks upon me, sir.

COURTALL

144Understanding by Mrs Sentry, madam, that these young ladies would very likely sit and talk in the dining room an hour before they went to bed of the accidents of the day, and being impatient to know whether that unlucky business which happened in the Spring Garden about the letters had quite destroyed our hopes of gaining their esteem, for a small sum of money Mr Freeman and I obtained the favor of her to shut us up where we might overhear 'em.

LADY COCKWOOD

145Is this the truth, Sentry?

MRS SENTRY

146I humbly beg your pardon, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

147(Aside)A lady's honour is not safe that keeps a servant so subject to corruption! I will turn her out of my service for this.

SIR OLIVER

148Good! I was suspicious their businesses had been with my lady at first.

LADY COCKWOOD

149[Aside]Now will I be in charity with him again, for putting this off so handsomely.

SIR OLIVER

150Hark you, my dear: shall I forbid Mr Courtall my house?

LADY COCKWOOD

151Oh! By no means, my dear. I had forgot to tell thee since I acquainted thee with that business, I have been discoursing with my Lady Love-youth and she blamed me infinitely for letting thee know it and laughed exceedingly at me, believing Mr Courtall intended thee no injury and told me 'twas only a harmless gallantry which his French breeding has used him to.

SIR OLIVER

152Faith, I am apt enough to believe it. For, on my conscience, he is a very honest fellow. Ned Courtall! How the devil came it about that thee and I fell to sa, sa, in the Spring Garden?

COURTALL

153You are best able to resolve yourself that, Sir Oliver.

SIR OLIVER

154Well, the devil take me if I had the least unkindness for thee. Prithee let us embrace and kiss, and be as good friends as ever we were, dear rogue!

COURTALL

155I am so reasonable, Sir Oliver, that I will ask no other satisfaction for the injury you have done me.

FREEMAN

156Here's the letter, madam.

ARIANA

157Sister, look here, do you know this hand?

GATTY

158'Tis Sentry’s!

LADY COCKWOOD

159[Aside]Oh heavens! I shall be ruined yet.

GATTY

160She has been the contriver of all this mischief!

COURTALL

161Nay, now you lay too much to her charge in this. She was but my lady's secretary, I assure you, she has discovered the whole plot to us.

MRS SENTRY

162What does he mean?

LADY COCKWOOD

163[Aside]Will he betray me at last?

COURTALL

164My lady being in her nature severely virtuous is, it seems, offended at the innocent freedom you take in rambling up and down by yourselves. Which made her, out of a tenderness to your reputations, counterfeit these letters in hopes to fright you to that reservedness which she approves of.

LADY COCKWOOD

165(Aside)This has almost redeemed my opinion of his honor. Cousins, the little regard you had to the good counsel I gave you puts me upon this business.

GATTY

166Pray, madam, what was it Mrs Gazette told you concerning us?

LADY COCKWOOD

167Nothing, nothing, cousins. What I told you of Mr Courtall, was mere invention, the better to carry on my design for your good.

COURTALL

168Freeman! Pray, what brought you hither?

FREEMAN

169A kind summons from her ladyship.

COURTALL

170Why did you conceal it from me?

FREEMAN

171I was afraid thy peevish jealousy might have destroyed the design I had of getting an opportunity to clear ourselves to the young ladies.

COURTALL

172Fortune has been our friend in that beyond expectation. (To the ladies)I hope, ladies, you are satisfied of our innocence now.

GATTY

173Well, had you been found guilty of the letters we were resolved to have counterfeited two contracts under your hands and have suborned witnesses to swear 'em.

ARIANA

174That had been a full revenge. For I know you would think it as great a scandal to be thought to have an inclination for marriage as we should to be believed willing to take our freedom without it.

COURTALL

175The more probable thing, ladies, had been only to pretend a promise. We have now and then courage enough to venture so far for a valuable consideration.

GATTY

176The truth is, such experienced gentlemen as you are seldom mortgage your persons without it be to redeem your estates.

COURTALL

177'Tis a mercy we have 'scaped the mischief so long and are like to do penance only for our own sins. Most families are a wedding behind hand in the world, which makes so many young men fooled into wives to pay their father’s debts. All the happiness a gentleman can desire is to live at liberty till he be forced that way to pay his own.

FREEMAN

178Ladies, you know we are not ignorant of the good intentions you have towards us. Pray, let us treat a little.

GATTY

179I hope you are not in so desperate a condition as to have a good opinion of marriage, are you?

ARIANA

180'Tis to as little purpose to treat with us of anything under that, as it is for those kind ladies that have obliged you with a valuable consideration to challenge the performance of your promise.

SIR OLIVER

181Well, and how, my dear Ned, goes the business between you and these ladies? Are you like to drive a bargain?

COURTALL

182Faith, Sir Oliver, we are about it.

SIR OLIVER

183And cannot agree, I warrant you. They are for having you take a lease for life, and you are for being tenants at will, Ned, is it not so?

GATTY

184These gentlemen have found it so convenient lying in lodgings they’ll hardly venture on the trouble of taking a house of their own.

COURTALL

185A pretty country seat, madam, with a handsome parcel of land and other necessaries belonging to't, may tempt us. But for a town tenement that has but one poor conveniency we are resolved we'll never deal.

A noise of music without .

SIR OLIVER

186Hark! My brother Jolly's come home!

ARIANA

187Now, gentlemen, you had best look to yourselves and come to an agreement with us quickly. For I'll lay my life, my uncle has brought home a couple of fresh chapmen that will out-bid you.

Enter Sir Joslin with music.

SIR JOSLIN

188Hey, boys!

(Dance and sings.)

-->

A catch and a glass,

A fiddle and a lass,

What more would an honest man have?

Hang your temperate sot,

Who would seem what he's not;

’Tis I am wise, he's but grave.

What's here? Mr Courtall and Mr Freeman!

SIR OLIVER

189Oh man! Here has been the prettiest, the luckiest discovery on all sides! We are all good friends again.

SIR JOSLIN

190Hark you, brother Cockwood, I have got Madam Rampant! Rake-hell and she are without.

SIR OLIVER

191Oh, heavens! Dear brother Jolly, send her away immediately, my lady has such an aversion to a naughty woman that she will swound if she does but see her.

SIR JOSLIN

192Faith, I was hard put to't, I wanted a lover; and rather than I would break my old wont I dressed up Rampant in a suit I bought off Rake-hell. Enter Rake-hell [and Rampant]. But since this good company's here, I'll send her away. My little Rake-hell, come hither. You see, here are two powerful rivals, therefore for fear of kicking or a worse disaster, take Rampant with you and be going quickly.

RAKE-HELL

193Your humble servant, sir.

Exit Rake-hell and Rampant.

COURTALL

194You may hereafter spare yourself this labor, Sir Joslin. Mr Freeman and I have vowed ourselves humble servants to these ladies.

FREEMAN

195I hope we shall have your approbation, sir.

SIR JOSLIN

196Nay, if you have a mind to commit matrimony, I'll send for a canonical sir shall dispatch you presently.

FREEMAN

197You cannot do better.

COURTALL

198What think you of taking us in the humor? Consideration may be your foe, ladies.

ARIANA

199Come, gentlemen, I'll make you a fair proposition. Since you have made a discovery of our inclinations, my sister and I will be content to admit you in the quality of servants.

GATTY

200And if after a month’s experience of your good behavior upon serious thoughts you have courage enough to engage further, we will accept of the challenge and believe you men of honor.

SIR JOSLIN

201Well spoke, i'faith, girls! And is it a match, boys?

COURTALL

202If the heart of man be not very deceitful, 'tis very likely it may be so.

FREEMAN

203A month is a tedious time, and will be a dangerous trial of our resolutions. But I hope we shall not repent before marriage, whate'er we do after.

SIR JOSLIN

204How stand matters between you and your lady, brother Cockwood? Is there peace on all sides?

SIR OLIVER

205Perfect concord, man. I will tell thee all that has happened since I parted from thee when we are alone 'twill make thee laugh heartily. Never man was so happy in a virtuous and a loving lady!

SIR JOSLIN

206Though I have led Sir Oliver astray this day or two, I hope you will not exclude me the act of oblivion, madam.

LADY COCKWOOD

207The nigh relation I have to you, and the respect I know Sir Oliver has for you, makes me forget all that has passed, sir. But pray be not the occasion of any new transgressions.

MRS SENTRY

208 [To Courtall]I hope, Mr Courtall, since my endeavors to serve you have ruined me in the opinion of my lady, you will intercede for a reconciliation.

COURTALL

209 [To Mrs Sentry]Most willingly, Mr. Sentry. [To Lady Cockwood]Faith, madam, since things have fallen out so luckily, you must needs receive your woman into favor again.

LADY COCKWOOD

210Her crime is unpardonable, sir.

MRS SENTRY

211Upon solemn protestations, madam, that the gentlemen’s intentions were honorable and having reason to believe the young ladies had no aversion to their inclinations, I was of opinion I should have been ill-natured if I had not assisted 'em in the removing those difficulties that delayed their happiness.

SIR OLIVER

212Come, come, girl, confess how many guineas prevailed upon your easy nature.

MRS SENTRY

213Ten, an't please you, sir.

SIR OLIVER

214'Slife, a sum able to corrupt an honest man in office! Faith you must forgive her, my dear.

LADY COCKWOOD

215If it be your pleasure, Sir Oliver, I cannot but be obedient.

MRS SENTRY

216 [To Lady Cockwood]If Sir Oliver, madam, should ask me to see this gold, all may be discovered yet.

LADY COCKWOOD

217 [To Mrs Sentry]If he does, I will give thee ten guineas out of my cabinet.

MRS SENTRY

218 [To Lady Cockwood]I shall take care to put him upon’t. ’Tis fit, that I who have bore all the blame, should have some reasonable reward for't.

COURTALL

219 [To Lady Cockwood]I hope, madam, you will not envy me the happiness I am to enjoy with your fair relation.

LADY COCKWOOD

220 [To Courtall]Your ingenuity and goodness, sir, have made a perfect atonement for you.

COURTALL

221 [To Lady Cockwood]Pray, madam, what was your business with Mr Freeman?

LADY COCKWOOD

222 [To Courtall]Only to oblige him to endeavor a reconciliation between you and Sir Oliver. For though I was resolved never to see your face again, it was death to me to think your life was in danger.

MRS SENTRY

223What a miraculous come off is this, madam!

LADY COCKWOOD

224 [To Courtall]It has made me so truly sensible of those dangers to which an aspiring lady must daily expose her hono, that I am resolved to give over the great business of this town and hereafter modestly confine myself to the humble affairs of my own family.

COURTALL

225 [To Lady Cockwood]'Tis a very pious resolution, madam, and the better to confirm you in it, pray entertain an able chaplain.

LADY COCKWOOD

226[Aside]Certainly Fortune was never before so unkind to the ambition of a lady!

SIR JOSLIN

227Come, boys, faith we will have a dance before we go to bed. Sly-girl and Mad-cap, give me your hands, that I may give 'em to these gentlemen; a parson shall join you e'er long, and then you will have authority to dance to some purpose. Brother Cockwood, take out your lady, I am for Mr. Sentry. We'll foot it and side it, my pretty little miss, and when we are aweary, we'll lie down and kiss. Play away, boys!

They dance.

COURTALL

228 To GattyNow shall I sleep as little without you as I should do with you. Madam, expectation makes me almost as restless as jealousy.

FREEMAN

229 [To Ariana]Faith, let us dispatch this business. Yet I never could find the pleasure of waiting for a dish of meat when a man was heartily hungry.

GATTY

230Marrying in this heat would look as ill as fighting in your drink.

ARIANA

231And be no more a proof of love, then th'other is of valor.

SIR JOSLIN

232Never trouble your heads further. Since I perceive you are all agreed on the matter, let me alone to hasten the ceremony. Come, gentlemen, lead 'em to their chambers. Brother Cockwood, do you show the way with your lady. Ha, Mrs Sentry!

(Sings.)

-->

I gave my love a green gown

I’th merry month of may

And down she fell as wantonly,

As a tumbler does at play.

Hey boys! Lead away, boys!

SIR OLIVER

233Give me thy hand, my virtuous, my dear. Henceforwards may our mutual loves increase, and when we are a bed, we'll sign the peace.

Exeunt omnes.

Critical Apparatus

The critical apparatus includes deviations from the base text, the 1668 quarto (with the siglum Q1668), presented in a lemmatized list in the following collation notes. In each note readings precede the sigla of the witnesses and modern editions, and editorial comments (such as "om." or "subst.", or "after...") or variant readings (inserted between inverted commas) follow the siglum.

The sigla and abbreviations used are listed in the final Bibliography section.

ACT 1
1.1.Sp13 [Exit Servant.] ED.; Q1671 om.
1.1.Sp15 decency’s] ED.; decency Q1668.
1.1.Sp16 SD [Exit Freeman into the closet.] ED.; Q1668 om.
1.1.Sp33 And how stand] ED.; And how, and how stand Q1668
1.1.Sp45 pelted] ED., paulted Q1668
1.1.Sp69 taking all the days] ED.; taking days Q1668
1.1.Sp78 [Enter Freeman from the closet.] ED.; Q1668 om.
1.1.Sp88 that she has] Q1693; that there has Q1668

ACT 2
2.1.Sp35 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
2.2.Sp50 SP GATTY AND ARIANA] ED.; Ambo Q1668
2.2.Sp101 [To Ariana and Gatty] ED.; Q1668 om.
2.2.Sp109 [Sings.] ED.; Q1668 om.

ACT 3
3.1.Sp57 SD All go … Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 before Mrs Gazette’s reply
3.1.Sp64 ungrateful] ED.; ingrateful Q1668
3.1.Sp68 and a fiddle] ED.; and a A Fiddle Q1668
3.1.Sp77 [To Ariana and Gatty] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.1.Sp95 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.2.Sp2 SP THOMAS] ED.; Servant Q1668
3.2.Sp4 SP THOMAS] ED.; Servant Q1668
3.2.Sp13 SP THOMAS] ED.; Servant Q1668
3.2.Sp17 [Sings.] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.2.Sp22 Hey] ED., Hay Q1668.
3.3.Sp10 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp21 [To Gatty] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp22 [To Ariana] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp51 worn] ED., wore Q1668
3.3.Sp97 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp98 [To Freeman] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp100 [starts playing off-stage] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp150 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp152 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp175 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp176 [To Sir Oliver] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp177 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp178 [To Sir Oliver] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp182 [To Sir Oliver] ED.; Q1668 om.
3.3.Sp183 [To Sir Joslin] ED.; Q1668 om.

ACT 4
4.1.Sp45 fellow from our house] ED.; fellow our house Q1668
4.2.Sp3 wonder why Sir Oliver] ED.; wonder Sir Oliver Q1668
4.2.Sp46 will make you hate] ED.; will you make you hate Q1668
4.2.Sp71 [To Gatty] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp72 [To Ariana] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp122 [To Gatty] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp123 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp124 [To Freeman] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp145 [To Sentry] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp147 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
4.2.Sp148 [To Sentry] ED.; Q1668 om.

ACT 5
5.1.Sp24 me and my dear] ED.; me, my dear Q1668
5.1.Sp25 my life and his life] ED.; my life, his life Q1668
5.1.Sp36 [Exit Freeman into the closet.] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp60 [to Freeman] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp62 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp71 [Knocks over a China orange on top of the table.] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp76 [Exit Sir Oliver.] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp77 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp78 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp79 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp86 SD [Exit Courtall into the closet.] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp97 [Picks up the orange.] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp162 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp172 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp176 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp194 Well, and how] ED.; Well, and how, and how Q1668
5.1.Sp212 off] ED.; of Q1668
5.1.Sp212 SD Enter Rake-hell [and Rampant]] ED.; Q1668 in the middle of the previous sentence (after ‘bought’ and before ‘off’)
5.1.Sp228 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp229 [To Mrs Sentry] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp229 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.236 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp237 [To Mrs Sentry] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp238 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp239 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp240 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp241 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp242 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp244 [To Courtall] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp245 [To Lady Cockwood] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp246 [Aside] ED.; Q1668 om.
5.1.Sp249 [To Ariana] ED.; Q1668 om.

Bibliography

(Abbreviations included)

Brett-Smith, H.F.B., ed. The Dramatic Works of Sir George Etherege. 2 Vols. Oxford: Basil Blackwell, 1971 (orig. ed. 1927).

Cordner, Michael, ed. The Plays of Sir George Etherege. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1982.

ED. : any modern edition.

om. : ... does/do not show the variant in question; absent in the cited witness or edition

Q1668: Etherege, George. She wou’d if she cou’d. London: Printed for H. Heringman, at the Sign of the Blew Anchor ni the Lower walk of the New Exchange, 1668.

Q1671: Etherege, George. She wou’d if She cou’d. London: Printed by T.N. for H. Herringman, at the Sign of the Blew Anchor ni the Lower-walk of the New Exchange, 1671.

Q1693: Etherege, George. She wou’d if She cou’d. London: Printed by T. Warren for Henry Herringman, and are to be Sold by R. Bentley, J. Tonson, F. Saunders, and T. Bennet, 1693.

SD: stage direction

SP : speech prefix

Taylor, Charlene M., ed. She Would if She Could. London: Arnold, 1973. Regents Restoration Drama Series.