Accademia degli Intronati, Gl'Ingannati

All Deceived





Source text for this digital edition:
Accademia degli Intronati. All Deceived!. [Gli Ingannati.] Translated by Richard Andrews. Valencia: ARTELOPE - EMOTHE Universitat de València, 2017.
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  • Tronch Pérez, Jesús

Note on this digital edition

This publication in electronic format is part of the research project “Early Modern European Theatre: Heritage and Databases”, reference FFI2016-80314-P (acronym EMOTHE), funded by the Spanish government through the Agencia Estatal de Investigación.

© Richard Andrews


ALL DECEIVED!

(Gli Ingannati)

an anonymous comedy

presented at Siena in 1532

by the Deaf and Daft Academy of Siena
(Accademia degli Intronati)

Translated by Richard Andrews


BACKGROUND NOTES

GLI INGANNATI / THE DECEIVED

I. HISTORY AND CONTEXT
I.1 FIRST PERFORMANCE
The Accademia degli Intronati was one of the first literary academies of Renaissance Italy. It was founded in the city state of Siena (where it still survives) around the year 1525, at a time when the Italian peninsula was being fought over by the French on one side and the German and Spanish troops of the Emperor Charles V on the other. The word intronato is used colloquially of people who are rendered deaf and stupid by incessant clangour (it has nothing to do with the English ‘enthroned’, which would be intronizzato). So the self-deprecatory title of the Academy (the ‘Deaf and Daft’) was explained in its statutes as indicating that the roar of battle and war had bemused and deafened the academicians, leading them to retire from public affairs and concentrate exclusively on literary culture. They adopted as their emblem the zucca, the gourd or pumpkin which Tuscan peasants would hollow out into a container for pounding and storing salt. A pair of crossed pestles, for pounding, appeared above the gourd with the Latin motto Meliora latent (‘The best things lie hidden’). The self-deprecation was thus presented as a deliberate camouflage: the humble gourd concealed the essential nutrient which was proverbially connected with intelligence. To this day in Italy a person can be said to have ‘salt in his gourd’ (sale in zucca) if he or she is less of a fool than appears at first sight. Although this has not been followed up by Italian critics, such a combination of foolish appearance and hidden paradoxical wisdom might suggest parallels with the Fool Societies (Sociétés Joyeuses) which existed in this period in France and northern Europe. However, the more obvious function of the Intronati was to provide a social and cultural focus for the Sienese ruling class, which would cut across and attempt to ignore the complex political divisions by which that class was riven.

The Intronati, like members of other Italian academies, adopted heavily jocular nicknames like Il Bizzarro (‘Bizarre’), L’Addolorato (‘Grief-stricken’), or Lo Sfacciato (‘Cheeky’), and they developed that elaborate ritualized constitution which seems to emerge in so many all-male clubs. (In this sense it might be arguable that there was an input, eventually, from academies into the Freemasonry movement.) But the Academy eventually became known for its social evenings, to which the womenfolk were invited, and at which sophisticated games of literary wit were invented and played. For a while the ‘Sienese evening’ (veglia senese) was a type of structured entertainment or party recognized and followed in other Italian centres: the fact that women were involved in such social-intellectual gatherings was still striking at that time. But before this happened, the Academy had also built itself a reputation in the theatrical field, and Gli ingannati was the first of its plays to be published and widely imitated.

On the night of Epiphany (‘Twelfth Night’, by coincidence?), in the year 1532 (‘1531’ Sienese style, since their year began in the spring), the academicians staged a kind of pageant or masque of a kind common enough as court entertainment. It was symbolic rather than realistically dramatic, and addressed explicitly to the ladies in the audience, those to whom the academicians claimed to have devoted all their literary talents in vain. Despairing of amorous sympathy and encouragement, they explained, they now proposed to renounce love entirely, and to pursue intellectual acheivement on their own with no more courtly dedications. Each member of the Academy in turn, thirty men in all, stepped up to a pagan altar dedicated to Minerva and burned upon it some symbol of his former attachment—such as a handkerchief soaked in tears, a lock of hair, a portrait—reciting some verses composed for the occasion. The ashes of these tokens were scattered, and a final recitation reproached the ladies for their ingratitude, hinting at the same time that it might not be too late for them and their admirers to change their minds.

This charade was obviously light-hearted, and it is probable that the device of presenting a comedy to the same ladies as an apology and peace offering had been planned all along. All the early editions of the play print the text of the Epiphany pageant first, and the volumes are entitled Il Sacrificio degli Intronati, rather than Gli Ingannati which is the title of the comedy alone. (An anastatic copy of the first edition has been reprinted, edited by Nerida Newbigin, Forni, Bologna 1984.) The Prologue to the comedy conveys perfectly the spirit of the whole enterprise, in its regular prods of sexual innuendo directed at the women in the audience. It aims at a level of cheerful titillation permissible at Carnival time, but never steps over the bounds of a fictional game acceptable in sophisticated society. If we can take literally the remark of the character Scatizza (‘Stoke’) in Act I Scene 6, the comedy was actually performed on the last night of Carnival, a night on which Italians still normally expect to let their hair down a little before the onset of Lent. Although the Saturnalian spirit is not the only tone which the play contains, the festive setting of this performance must have been crucial in dictating the audience’s mood and its reception of the comedy. (And performances of this translation have confirmed that the play’s potentially more romantic and emotional elements tend in practice to collapse, at least for modern actors and audiences, in the face of a more pantomime spirit.)

Gli Ingannati, then, was offered to the ladies of Siena as a jocular apology for a jocular affront. It was presented, according to the Prologue, by the academy as a whole, and the academy always afterwards claimed collective responsibility for its authorship. The play was a successful one, and many people have found it hard to accept that it could have been written by a committee (even though there is now considerable evidence of other Intronati plays having multiple authorship). Moreover, some of the political attitudes casually concealed in it might be easier to interpret if they could be ascribed to an author whose views are already known from other sources. In 1977, Professor Giovanni Aquilecchia argued for a dual authorship, attributing the comedy to a collaboration between Francesco Maria Molza (1489-1544) and Claudio Tolomei (1492-1555). Molza was from Modena, where the play is set; Tolomei was Sienese, though at this time politically suspect. Most scholars, however, following the major study of Sienese theatre by Daniele Seragnoli (1980), accept that the comedy was indeed composed collectively, with a crucial co-ordinating role being played by the humanist scholar Alessandro Piccolomini (1508‑79).


I.2 HISTORICAL CONTEXT OF THE COMEDY: THE SACK OF ROME
An attempt in 1526 by Pope Clement VII to instal a government in Siena more friendly to him was a small move in a wide-ranging and increasingly desperate international strategy. Clement was the second of the Medici Popes, and thus presided over a clan which had dominated Rome and Florence since 1513. Siena, squeezed between Florence and the Papal State, could hardly fail to be nervous of a dynasty which controlled both territories at once; and in the great power struggles which oppressed Italy, the little city republic was always forced into whichever camp was in opposition to the Pope. Clement had formed a League of Italian states to side with France against the Empire. The chaotic oligarchical government of Siena had more to fear from Clement than from Charles V, so it was prepared to pay discreetly for Imperial protection, to supply the Emperor’s troops as they moved down towards Rome, to keep pro-Medici citizens like Claudio Tolomei formally in exile, and to shelter the Pope’s enemies.

The Italian League armies were incompetently led, and in two minds about their aims. In the summer of 1527, the Emperor’s German and Spanish troops reached the walls of Rome. They had been undernourished and unpaid for months, and were feeling bloodthirsty and exasperated: moreover some of the Germans in the service of the Holy Roman Emperor were Lutherans who saw Rome as the abode of Antichrist. They found it ludicrously easy to breach the walls, and embarked on a sack which staggered Europe, during which thousands of people were slaughtered, tortured, raped, or held to ransom several times over. The Pope and a few lucky aristocrats, with their dependants and guests, sat in their fortress-like palaces helpless and barely secure, while the bloody tide flowed uncontrollably through the streets around them.

The political and cultural trauma caused by the Sack of Rome was far reaching. It pointed forward to the loss of political independence in most of the Italian peninsula, and some see it as marking the end of the Renaissance. On a simpler level, the event was a severe shock to many individual Italians, even to those who had backed the Imperial cause. Rome had been a cosmopolitan commercial and artistic centre, so inhabitants of every town in Italy would have known somebody who suffered. During the months that followed, the survivors would have crawled back to all these towns, penniless after paying extortionate ransoms, and bearing news of those who would not return at all. The plot of Gli Ingannati uses this devastation as a starting point: old Virginio has been impoverished by the Sack, his daughter Lelia was held and (it is hinted) raped by Spaniards, his son Fabrizio captured by a different body of soldiers and removed to an unknown fate. None of this would seem inherently unlikely to an audience of 1532. They were used, it is true, to the purely fictional convention of a family separated by war or brigandage and then reunited at the end of the story—such stories were used in ancient Roman comedy, and this play makes as much fun as any other of the implausible coincidences involved in the format. But there is an underlying bite in setting the action so firmly in the ‘here and now’, and relating the fiction to a real traumatic fact. The political discomfort of being in the Imperial alliance is worked out in farce: the most clown-like figure of the comedy, and the one who gets the least sympathy, is the Spanish soldier, representative of the occupying forces (allied or hostile, it made very little difference) who were becoming wearisomely familiar in most Italian towns. (Another Sienese play, unpublished at the time, is much franker about the atrocities committed by Spanish ‘allies’ against local peasants.)

One would not want to exaggerate the historical and political content (or indeed the realism) of Gli Ingannati. Its main plot concerns the private, amorous and family affairs of its characters, in strict accordance with what was prescribed for the comic genre. Its central narrative format was exploited for Shakespeare’s more romantically individualistic Twelfth Night, among other derivations, and its political references are so fleeting and unspecific that scholars are not entirely sure which side it is on. But it was written for a particular audience on a particular occasion, and the current worries and recent memories of that audience in 1532 must have played some part in the way it was first received.


I.3 A PIONEERING TEXT
The central plot of Gli Ingannati, with its mistaken identities, amorous errors and rediscoveries, will not seem very new in style to readers of English Renaissance drama, and its links with Twelfth Night will make it appear even more familiar. The play seems to fit comfortably into what later became a European tradition of comedy lasting through to 1800 or so. It is all the more important to stress, therefore, that most of the more recognizable elements in the play are actually appearing for the first time on the Italian stage. These elements had certainly been uncommon, so far, in the new genre of five-act ‘regular’ comedy, with a fixed urban setting and unity of time, which Humanist-trained writers had been trying to establish since the first decade of the century. Most of the important innovations revolve in the end round the figure of Lelia, and the whole notion of an active sympathetic heroine.

Earlier attempts at Italian ‘regular’ comedy (by dramatists such as Ariosto, Machiavelli, Bibbiena and Aretino) had been strongly influenced in one particular by the models of Roman comedy (Plautus and Terence) which they were trying to revive. Roman comedy gives little development to female characters, unless they can be depicted as gross caricatures—either giggling sexually experienced whores, or older women mocked for their ugliness and grotesquerie. In particular young female characters, however central to the plot, were prevented by Roman social propriety from appearing on stage at all if the story was going to leave them in the end respectably married and socially unblemished. (The most striking example of this is perhaps Terence’s Hecyra.) This means that Roman comedy is always short on sympathetic women characters, and on the female point of view. This is quite unlike what we now expect from European comedy in the Renaissance and after—if anything, the heroines of Shakespeare, Molière, Marivaux, Goldsmith, Beaumarchais and Mozart tend to have the upper hand over the male characters in terms of sympathy, maturity, and moral coherence.

The first original Italian comedies produced according to classical formats tended to follow the Roman custom. They would be influenced by three factors. Firstly, their own sense of social propriety was similar to that of the Romans—young girls of good family were in some way ‘stained’ by coming too much into public view. Secondly, and because of this, it was simply unrealistic to represent such girls as coming into the public street—and mimetic realism in social behaviour on stage was one of the important elements which the classical mode of comedy was trying to foster. One very simple move was needed in order to investigate female characters more realistically: the staging of scenes indoors, rather than in the street. But in Italy this practice is not to be found until well into the seventeenth century (in imitation, perhaps, of innovations introduced by Molière). Thirdly, and again as in ancient Rome, all actors in this amateur gentlemanly context were male; and it may have been felt that boys could not sustain female roles very easily. (We are not dealing here, as in Elizabethan England, with professional apprentices or highly trained schoolboys, but with lads who possibly acted once or twice in their lives.)

As a result of these points, the plays of Ariosto, Machiavelli and Aretino are short on female characters and viewpoint, and in some cases can be judged as seriously misogynistic even by the standards of the time. The one important exception is Calandra by Bernardo Dovizi da Bibbiena, first produced in Urbino in 1513. Here there is a heroine called Santilla who, like Lelia in our present play, is circulating in male disguise and getting confused with her male twin. However, Santilla is not a heroine in love, and not trying to prove herself in relation to the supreme female virtue (in the eyes of a Renaissance aristocrat), namely sexual fidelity. This is where the Intronati of Siena made an important and lasting innovation in the patterns of classical comedy. The motif of a ‘constant’ heroine trying to reunite herself with husband, lover or family in the face of separation or misunderstanding was not a new one. It had long been developed in the medieval short story or novella, and was established in Boccaccio’s Decameron, which had already been adopted as a source for comic stage plots. Sienese dramatists had actually used it before, early in the sixteenth century, in plays which were more medieval in structure and ignored the classical unities. It was bound to appear sooner or later in the new commedia erudita: in point of fact it was the Intronati who, in Gli Ingannati, used it there for the first time, and opened the way to a more sympathetic investigation of the character and predicament of a young heroine. By doing so they were sowing seeds not just for the single play which is Twelfth Night, but for the main stream of European comedy over subsequent centuries. One has to note that the active roles played also by Pasquella the servant and Clemenzia the nurse mean that in the end, in this story, astute women gain the upper hand over male characters who are either obtuse or confused.

As a spin-off from this full presentation of an amorous heroine, Gli Ingannati also presented Italian audiences with the first ever love scenes on stage within a classical format. The carefully chosen rhetorical speeches of Flamminio and Lelia, in Act V Scene 3, are thus not yet ‘conventional’ in stage terms, because there was no convention; though they build heavily on established patterns used in dialogue from non-dramatic fiction. Astonishingly, they are preceded in Act II Scene 6 by the happily scandalous scene between Lelia and Isabella, in which kisses are exchanged between two girls (in the story) portrayed by two boy actors (in reality, in 1532). This is a surprising level of titillation and sexual ambiguity, perhaps then only permissible at Carnival time before a strictly private audience.

The innovation is compounded further by the clear invitation in this text to have the roles of both twins played by the same actor (or actress, as modern productions may now prefer). Bibbiena’s Calandra did not choose to do this: it put the twins on stage together more than once. Gli Ingannati carefully avoids any meeting between them, and produces some rather disconnected concluding scenes as a result, rather than the full family reunion which one would normally expect. This puts the roles of Lelia and Fabrizio in a fascinatingly ambiguous light (not least for the person who has to play them); and it has a range of possible effects on the tone of the whole play, which has to be explored anew in each production. It is certainly the first time in modern theatre in which a decision taken purely in respect of stage production would have had such an overwhelming and decisive effect on the ultimate nature of the verbal script.


I.4 THE AFTERLIFE OF GLI INGANNATI
We have mentioned how Gli Ingannati was quietly revolutionary in introducing an active female protagonist, whose feelings and motivation are taken seriously for at least some of the time. In fact this play can be seen as the single most influential Italian comedy of the sixteenth century, both within Italy and abroad.

With regard to later Italian comedies, critics have sometimes been distracted by the existence of two plays entitled Gli Inganni (‘The Deceits’ rather than ‘The Deceived’—by Niccolò Secchi, 1562; and Curzio Gonzaga, 1592). In fact both of these recall their Sienese predecessor more in the wording of their titles than in the details of their plots. Elsewhere, though, the influence is widespread: tropes from Gli ingannati recur in a number of printed scripts, and also in scenarios for commedia dell’arte improvisation. Heroines in male disguise became popular in themselves, and were a speciality of the star actress Isabella Andreini (1562‑1604). The idea of using such a disguise in order to track down a lost lover, or to recapture a recalcitrant one, was taken up in European comedy as late as the eighteenth century: it can be seen in Marivaux (La fausse suivante, 1724) and in Goldoni (La donna di garbo, 1743; Il servitore di due padroni, 1745, published 1753). The device might or might not be combined with mistakes regarding a twin brother; alternatively the theme of twins of different sexes could be pursued in its own right, in an otherwise different narrative context. All kinds of variants and permutations on these narremes can be identified in seven of the forty comic scenarios which Flamminio Scala published in 1611.

The influence of this comedy, however indirect, on Shakepeare’s Twelfth Night is now generally accepted: the pattern of misdirected and mistaken love between Orsino, Olivia, Viola (‘Cesario’) and Sebastian, reflects precisely that between Flamminio, Isabella, Lelia (‘Fabio’) and Fabrizio. Less well known, perhaps, is the fact that an early translation of the play into French—Charles Étienne’s Les abusez, as early as 1543—was one of the first examples of French humanist comedy, and the first French theatre script to be written in prose.


II. THE PLAY
II.1 STAGING
In the 1530s, stage scenery for classical comedy was settling down to standardized norms: the rules laid down by Sebastiano Serlio in 1545 were probably just descriptions of what was being done anyway. The backcloth would (if the company could afford it) be carefully painted by a professional to depict a convincing perspective view down the streets and over the rooftops of a typical Italian city. It is just possible that this could recognizably represent Modena, where this play is set, but a generalized urban background would have been quite acceptable. In the middle ground of the stage, four houses would probably be represented, two on each side. This might be done by flat wings, or by three-dimensional two-sided structures; but it was necessary for the houses to be ‘practicable’, so that actors could walk in and out of them and appear at an upper window. The area occupied by the houses would be relatively shallow, from front of stage to back, and perspective foreshortening would blend them into a continuous picture with the backcloth. The main acting area would be bare, representing a street or square. It was usually wider than it was deep, a fact which facilitated scenes where characters were allegedly out of earshot of one another.

A modern production would vary this scheme according to taste, resources, and the shape of the stage. But certain features are essential: there must be some representation of Gherardo’s house, Clemenzia’s house, and the Osteria del Matto (Fool’s Cap Inn). One might also want to represent the Osteria dello Specchio (Looking-Glass Inn) — in fact, by my interpretation, this would be advisable—and Flamminio’s house—less crucial, but Clemenzia can see his front door in Act I Scene 3.

I would argue firmly (against the late Bruce Penman, in his Penguin translation) that Virginio’s house is not on stage. It is never needed for entrances or exits; and in Act III Scene 7, by insisting that his ‘daughter’ should be taken straight to Gherardo’s house, Virginio uses the excuse that his own house is too far away, and that they would attract too much attention while getting there.


II.2 THE TRANSLATION
Gli Ingannati has no pretensions to poetry, and its fluid vernacular dialogue manages to avoid the literary stiffness of many Italian comedies of the period. Some of the longer speeches in the first two acts have a more formal rhetorical structure, but this tends to disappear as the play moves on. The present translation aims at producing a version which could be performed on stage to a modern audience, and which is neither better nor worse than the original. I have tried to produce laughs and pathos (if any) at all the same places as the original, and to conform to a standard of British English colloquial and scurrilous diction suitable for pantomime and farce. (This last condition inevitably implies that for performance in America, and perhaps Australia, some re-writing would be legitimate.) While wanting a modern translation, rather than a spoof sixteenth-century one, I have avoided (at least for most of the time) references to things or concepts which would be anachronistic.

Jokes in general have been treated fairly ruthlessly, the single aim being to make an audience laugh at every point of the original text where a laugh seems expected, and for roughly the same reason (pun, irony, exaggeration, insult, or whatever). Where a pun is untranslatable, I have looked for another one which arises equally well, or equally badly, out of the dialogue. The language of the Spanish soldier, which in the original is actually Spanish with a few Italianizing distortions, is represented here by a caricature Spanish distortion of English. This was a risky and possibly limiting approach, and an individual performer may prefer to tone it down. Most of the names of the male low-life characters are comically meaningful, so I have translated those as well—the only echo in this text of what might have been done in an English Elizabethan version.

One point perhaps needs emphasizing: like all other published Italian comedies of the period, the original text of this play contains no stage directions whatsoever, other than the list of characters who will speak in the coming scene. (Non-speaking characters were, by convention, not listed, even though dialogue then sometimes indicated their presence.) It follows that everything in this text which appears in italics and between brackets is an addition of my own, with no textual status.

The Intronati academicians were amateurs writing for amateurs, and tended in places to be a little prolix. A modern production is bound to make cuts; but as with any revival of an old play, these have to be dictated by the preferences, or the interpretative slant, of any single presentation. It was in any case important, on historical grounds, to translate everything which was there: there has been a previous history of selective rather than complete translations of this comedy, starting with the French one of 1543. My own recommendation would be not to omit any complete scene, but to prune carefully within scenes to tighten up the rhythm.


II.3 PRODUCTION NOTES
Any play text has to take its chance with a modern audience and modern interpreters, and neither a scholar nor (least of all) a translator has the right to impose a unitary view of how it should be performed. The following remarks, which may seem prescriptive here and there, should be treated as information to which one can respond selectively at will, or which one can ignore altogether. They concern points which in my view are implicit in the text as first composed, and which, if accepted, would have a practical outcome in performance.

Since Lelia and her twin brother Fabrizio are never allowed to meet on stage, one must conclude that the two parts were to be played by the same person. It is unlikely, otherwise, that the authors would have omitted a touching reunion between the two, which is such a regular feature of other plays involving family separation. Instead, and possibly for the first time in Italian theatre, it was decided to try out a combination of superficial realism and acting virtuosity, such has been regularly exploited ever since in farces involving physical doubles. A modern production might decide or not to follow suit; but to do so might help to reconcile the audience to the relative scrappiness, however modified, of the concluding scenes.

As a play written for a private occasion, this text makes allusions to the time and context of its first performance (the last night of Carnival 1532); to the Academy which is both performing and watching it; and to personalities and issues with which that audience was familiar. This attitude of winking across the footlights is foregrounded without any ambiguity in the Prologue, and implicit from time to time thereafter. It is perfectly easy, of course, to cut out all the references to historical personages, to cut the Prologue altogether, and to present the text as an ‘open’ dramatic fiction for an unspecified public. However, experience suggests that a club atmosphere of solidarity between performers and spectators does underly the script to some extent, and there may be something to be gained (at least in suitable performing spaces) from acknowledging and exploiting such allusions, when they can be made comprehensible.

This consideration arises particularly in the case of Act III, Scenes 1 and 2, which have more in them than meets the eye and play a pivotal part in the structure. They seem at first to be a piece of leisurely local colour: the contest for customers between the two innkeepers is fun, and good theatre if well played, but it seems to be a digression from the main narrative. However, there are two levels of discourse implicit in this scene, underneath the surface one.

In the first place, references to the citizens of various different Italian towns (Florence, Venice, Piacenza, etc. and the cardinals from Rome) are all designed to appeal not only to the general prejudices of the Sienese audience, but also probably to their views on current political alignments in 1532. The Duke of Amalfi was a senior member of the Academy, and probably sitting in the place of honour in the audience, so there is a level of allusion here which may be more specific than we can ever recuperate. (When this text was performed for Siena University in 1991, it became natural to replace him with the Rector who was present on the first night.)

More important, though, is the fact that in Act III Scene 2 these comments, decipherable or not, are offered in a symbolic framework which would have been reinforced by staging and properties. The Looking-Glass Inn and the Fool’s Cap are not just two rival commercial establishments in a fictionally transformed Modena: they are also symbolic Houses, as in medieval or Tudor drama, representing Prudence and Folly (‘The Mirror of Prudence teaches us to know ourselves’, says Master Peter). The Pedant is tempted by his sexual weakness to choose Folly rather than Prudence, and in effect the whole cast of the play eventually lines up under the sign of the Fool’s Cap. Squint invites the audience to come and join them there for the final celebratory meal. This tendency is made explicit just at the moment when the actor/actress playing Lelia has appeared on stage for the first time in her/his new role as Lelia’s twin brother. Carnival is a time for disguises, for transvestism, for a holiday from common sense. It seems to me that the play ultimately surrenders to this mood, and it probably makes more sense to stress it from the the beginning, and make the Fool’s bauble one of the main visual symbols.

There were over-strict conventions, in the early part of the sixteenth century in Italy, about what one was allowed to publish in the written text of a play. The complete absence of stage directions can sometimes give the impression that the plays must be all talk and no action: certain characters may have a pitifully small number of words to speak, and seem to be supernumerary. After a while, the reader of these texts comes to realize that this impression is sometimes (not always) misleading. In our present case, the part of Clemenzia’s daughter can easily be expanded to become a mute, mischievous and inconvenient witness to any or all of the goings-on, and she can have established a firm relationship with the audience long before she actually makes her single speech in Act V Scene 5. (There is less potential for plausibly developing the role of Isabella, much though a modern actress might like to do so: an unmarried girl of her class would have been kept firmly indoors.) The script suggests that Spela (‘Pluck’) and Scatizza (‘Stoke’) are on stage with their masters during the central scenes of mistaken identity with Fabrizio in Act III: their presence can then provide some mute ‘business’ with the puzzled Fabrizio, while the two old gentlemen are pursuing their own bewildered dialogue. And in Act V Scene 1, the comic assault on Gherardo’s house need not fade out so anti-climactically as the dialogue suggests. It can easily culminate in an explosion of slapstick violence with no dialogue at all, before things calm down again. More speculatively, the frustrated Spaniard Lilias might become gratuitously involved in the mayhem. He has motivation of his own for assaulting Gherardo’s house, to get at Pasquella: his presence may be confusing and unwelcome to Virginio’s party. His ignominious rout from the stage (perhaps entirely at the hands of the women characters?) is arguably a necessary element in one of the earliest and most topical revivals of the old but exploitable figure of the Braggart Soldier.

RICHARD ANDREWS


List of Characters, in order of appearance

GHERARDO Foiani, an old merchant of Modena
VIRGINIO Bellenzini, his friend and contemporary
CLEMENZIA, nurse to Virginio’s children
LELIA, Virginio’s daughter, calling herself ‘Fabio’
PLUCK, (Spela), Gherardo’s manservant
STOKE, (Scatizza), Virginio’s manservant
FLAMMINIO Carandini, a young gentleman in love
PASQUELLA, maidservant to Gherardo and Isabella
ISABELLA, Gherardo’s daughter
LILIAS, (Giglio), a Spanish soldier
SIFTER, (Crivello), Flamminio’s manservant
MASTER PETER, (Messer Piero), a Pedant, tutor to Fabrizio
FABRIZIO, Virginio’s son, identical twin to Lelia
SQUINT, (Stragualcia), Fabrizio’s manservant
EASY, (L’Agiato), landlord/landlady of the Looking Glass Inn
WHISK, (Frulla), landlord/landlady of the Fool’s Cap Inn
A YOUNG GIRL, (cittina), Clemenzia’s daughter

Production note: All the evidence suggests that the parts of Lelia and Fabrizio should be played by the same person; but that the audience should not anticipate this until Fabrizio’s first appearance in Act III.


SCENE OF THE ACTION: Modena
DATE OF THE ACTION: 1532, just before Lent


PROLOGUE

to be spoken by the actor playing Squint

0001Good evening to you, most noble ladies. I see that you are rather surprised to see me appearing before you in this costume and in front of a stage set, as though we were going to put on some kind of play. You would hardly be expecting that, would you?—because until last year you had reason to suppose that our Deaf and Daft Academy had other things on its mind than theatricals. And then only the other day you were shown just what our members think of you ladies: how they broke off all relations with you, and refused to pursue you any longer, because they had had enough of being prodded and teased by you all the time. So, as you saw last Twelfth Night, they consigned to the flames everything they had which might stimulate their imaginations and arouse their appetite for you and your affairs. 0002Well, I shall put you out of your bewilderment. These Deaf and Daft Academicians (and you can believe me, because I’ve been listening to them) are now regretting very much that they got themselves into this whole crazy affair. They are worried that in future you are going to take it out on them every time they approach you. And so they have sent me before you on their behalf, as ambassador, orator, agent, proxy, or poet, or whatever title slips in most easily. I’m fully equipped with my credentials, all in the proper form. So you’d better take my word for it, or I might have to show them to you. They’ve sent me out to make peace and patch things up with you, if you are willing: because, to tell the truth, without you to encourage them, all their efforts are cold and sluggish, and liable to shrink away to nothing unless you provide some remedy. So forgive them please, ladies, and lend a hand! It’s in your own interests, when all is said and done. You’re well acquainted with these gentlemen’s characters; and you know that if you’ll only look on them with a kindly eye, then they’ll be like putty in your hands — they’ll let you (but only you, no one else) do or say what you please, tease and torment them with words and with deeds, always take the lead and come out on top in every one of your transactions. So what do you say? Are you willing? Will you forgive them, or not? ... No answer. Well, they say that silence means consent. 0003Now to show how eager they are to please you and make peace, they have put together a whole comedy in just a few days, and today they want to put it on for you, if you are prepared to watch it. So now you know the reason for this set, and what I’m doing out in front of it like this. I understand that they have entitled the play All Deceived—not because they have ever been deceived by you, far from it, you have never deceived them for a moment because you know them too well (although you have always pressed them very hard, and they haven’t always been able to steer clear of your efforts). No, the title comes from the fact that by the end of the play there is hardly a single character in the story who hasn’t been deceived at some point. (Mind you, the way I’ve got it in for you ladies, there are some kinds of deceits which I wish to God you might be deceived by more often, especially if I could be the deceiver: I wouldn’t even care if the tables were turned, and you ended up on top.) 0004The story of this play is a new one, coming from no other source than the Academy’s own busy pumpkin head, the one out of which they drew all your fortunes by lot on Twelfth Night. That was when you thought that our Deaf and Daft brothers were teasing you so sharply over your unwillingness to come clean, and you said they all had foul tongues. But I don’t think you had ever got a proper taste of their tongues: if you had, you wouldn’t talk that way, you’d defend them instead, and take their part like good friends whenever the need arose. 0005No doubt there will be some who will say that this whole show is a bit of a dog’s breakfast. But such people don't even deserve an answer, because however it may be, the Academy’s one concern is to please you. They think they can do this easily enough, especially if one or two of you are pregnant, and have acquired a sudden taste for strange things, like ground charcoal, wool-grease, brick-dust, cement chips, and shows like the one you are about to see. Whether the men in the audience like it or not doesn’t matter, because the Deaf and Daft Academy have arranged things so that no man will be able to see or hear the play unless he is blind. So if there is some smart-arsed critic among you, who is determined to find fault with us and wants to make sure he sees and hears the play, he’ll have to put his eyes out first, otherwise he won’t take it in. You may be wondering how blind men can watch a play—and yet it’s true, and if you’ll pay attention, I’ll prove it to you right now. 0006Everything that is beautiful in this world of ours is undoubtedly now to be found in Siena; and all the beauty of Siena is at present gathered in this hall. There can be no argument about this: I can’t believe that any woman who has stayed away is anywhere near beautiful, because she was afraid to be compared with the rest of you. This being so, how can you expect those men to sit and watch plays on a stage? What interest are they going to take in anything we say or do up here, if you are there in front of them? Is there any finer show or pageant, any more splendid and delightful sight than you? Of course not. And that is the proof that no man is going to watch or listen to this play unless he is blind, however much you may have thought that I was talking twaddle. But you ladies are going to see and hear it perfectly, because we have never yet found you so susceptible to our charms that you fall into ecstasy just from looking at us. And all those rosy-cheeked young dandies out there haven’t a chance: it’s no use them thinking that their neat little beards, or their thigh-hugging boots, or their bows and flourishes and sighs that you can hear from here to Fonte Becci, are going to turn your attention from us to them. If they do think so, they are deceived, and so they are stealing the title of our comedy. It could just be that a certain Spaniard whom you’ll see come on stage might break the train of your imagination and interrupt the thread of the story. But let me give you a tip—don’t bother too much about him, because you can’t speak his language anyway, and you’ll never get on together. Just pay attention to the others, who are all Italians: if you do that, you won’t miss anything that’s said and all will be well. 0007But since I see that the men are already lost in contemplation of you, and don’t hear what I’m saying, let me have a quick word with you ladies in private, joking apart. How long are you going to remain so unresponsive? Are these poor Academicians always to do nothing but complain of you? Will it always be the same story, that after the labours they endure for your sakes, and the care they take in singing your praises, you won’t stoop to do them a single favour, not once? In God’s name, come down off your pedestals, call them to you, one by one, and listen to what they say and what they want of you. What they are asking is a mere trifle; and with the rich abundance that you possess, you could bestow it on the whole town, let alone just on them, without any wear and tear. Tell me now, just what do you suppose they want from you? Your benevolent favour, that’s all. They want you to take note of their various talents, the large ones along with the small, and say ‘I like this’, and ‘I don’t like that’, so that the ones who can’t please you can turn their thoughts elsewhere and follow some other activity. But it really is too bad that you should keep tantalizing them, and never make up your minds to pronounce that little word ‘yes’. Do you know what I think? One day you might find that they have had enough and given up—you mark my words, I know what I’m talking about. You could lose them altogether before you knew it, and then there would be no way of making up to them again and putting things right. You would be sorry, but it would be too late. Nobody can hold out for ever, you know. Think about it. 0008Oh yes, by the way, don’t expect any more information about the plot, because the fellow who was going to administer the Argument is not prepared. You’ll have to do without, this time. I can just tell you that the city you see before you is Modena, on this occasion at least, and most of the people in the story are Modenese citizens. So if they don’t always speak the language perfectly, it’s not surprising, because they haven’t learned it properly yet. For the rest, you’re sharp enough to take in all the subject-matter as it comes. There are two lessons above all to be learned from this story: how much depends on chance and good luck, in matters of love; and the value, in such affairs, of long patience aided by good advice. This will all be demonstrated to you by two shrewd young girls; and if you can profit by their example, then you ought to be grateful to us. As for the men, if they get no pleasure out of what we have to offer, they can still thank us for giving them at least four hours at a stretch in which to feast their eyes on your celestial beauties. 0009But since I can see two old men coming on, I’d better be off, hard though it is to tear myself away from such a pretty sight. I shall be back later for another look. Take care, everyone.


ACT I

(Early morning)

Scene 1

GHERARDO and VIRGINIO, two old merchants

GHERARDO
1Now listen please, Virginio, if you really want to oblige me in this matter, as you say you do, just arrange for this blessed wedding to take place as soon as possible; and release me once for all from this tangled labyrinth in which I seem to have got caught. If you are facing some kind of difficulty, like not having enough money for her clothes — I know perfectly well how you lost all your fortune in that wretched Sack of Rome — or for the house furnishings, or if you’re not able to pay for the wedding itself, just forget your scruples and say so. I’ll provide for whatever is necessary. If I can bring the date forward and satisfy this appetite of mine a month sooner, I shan’t grumble about spending an extra ten scudi: God be thanked, I’m sufficiently well provided for that. And you know very well that neither of us is in the springtime of our years any longer, but getting into high summer, and perhaps... well... anyway, the more we wait, the more time we lose. Virginio, you mustn’t wonder if I seem to be a little pressing about this because I swear to you that, since I’ve got caught up in this scheme, I can’t sleep half the night. Look how early I’m up this morning. I didn’t want to wake you before, so I went and heard early Mass in the Cathedral. If the fact is that you’ve changed your mind, if you think that your daughter’s youth doesn’t match my ... advanced middle age, then say so straight out. In that case, I’ll provide for myself, I’ll turn my thoughts elsewhere, and free both of us at once from any further embarrassment. You know well enough how many other families are anxious to make a match with me.

VIRGINIO
2My dear Gherardo, neither that consideration nor any other would prevent me from marrying my daughter to you today, were it in my power to do so; and although I lost almost all my possessions in the Sack, and Fabrizio my poor dear son along with them, I thank the Lord that I still have enough of my inheritance to hope that I can provide clothes and a wedding feast for my daughter without depriving anyone else who has claims on me. You must not think that I have any intention of going back on what I have promised, provided the girl herself is content. A merchant’s word is his bond, and a bargain struck is supposed to be kept.

GHERARDO
3Those sentiments are proclaimed by merchants more often than they are observed, nowadays. But I well believe that you are the exception. All the same, when the matter is put off from today until tomorrow, and from tomorrow until the day after, I am bound to start wondering what is behind it all. I have never thought of you as a man of so little character that you can’t make your own daughter do what you want her to.

VIRGINIO
4I’ll tell you the full story. You know that I had to go to Bologna, to clear up the accounts of some business I had in partnership with Master Buonaparte Ghislieri and my lord Da Casio. Well, since I have no family, and was living out of town, I did not wish to leave my daughter alone in the care of servants. So I sent her to the Convent of the Holy Election, to her aunt Sister Camilla, and there she is still, because you know I only came back to Modena last night. Now I have sent my servant to tell her to come home.

GHERARDO
5Do you know for certain that she is at the convent and nowhere else?

VIRGINIO
6What do you mean, ‘Do I know for certain’? Where else should she be? What kind of question is that?

GHERARDO
7Well, the fact is that I went there myself once or twice... on business of my own... and I asked after her, and I was never able to see her. Some of them said that she’s not there.

VIRGINIO
8No doubt those holy mothers would like to make her a nun too, so the convent can inherit my last pittance after I’m dead. But they won’t get away with that one. I’m not so old that I’m not capable of fathering a couple of sons, if I should choose to take a wife.

GHERARDO
9Old? I tell you, I still feel as full of spunk now as I did when I was twenty-five — especially in the morning, before I’ve been for a pee. As the poet says, the head of the leek may be white, but its tail is still green. All those smooth-chinned whippersnappers, swaggering around Modena these days with their feathers cocked up to show they support the Pope, swords at the side, dagger in the rear, silk tassels dangling... I don’t believe there’s a single thing they can do better than I can, except run.

VIRGINIO
10Well, your spirit seems willing. Let’s hope the flesh doesn’t turn out to be weak.

GHERARDO
11You wait until after the wedding night, and ask Lelia how much sleep she’s had with me.

VIRGINIO
12In God’s name, you must show a little restraint with her! She’s still only a girl, and it’s not kind to unleash all that frenzy on her right from the start.

GHERARDO
13How old is she?

VIRGINIO
14When Rome was sacked, and she and I were captured by those pigs of Spaniards, she was just reaching thirteen.

GHERARDO
15Thirteen plus five... eighteen! Just exactly what I need. I wouldn’t want her a year older or younger. Her wardrobe is all prepared for her at my house: robes, pendants, necklaces and women’s ornaments, finer than she would get from any other man in Modena.

VIRGINIO
16Let it be as God wills. I am content with her good fortune and yours.

GHERARDO
17Make haste, then.

VIRGINIO
18As far as the dowry is concerned, we are agreed?

GHERARDO
19Do you think I would let you down? Good-bye, now.

VIRGINIO
20God be with you. (Exit Gherardo to his own house.) 0021And there’s her nurse coming now, which will save me the trouble of sending for her so she can bring Lelia home.

Scene 2

CLEMENZIA the nurse, VIRGINIO

CLEMENZIA
1 (comes from her own house; to audience)I don’t know what it can all signify, but all my hens this morning set up such a chattering, as though they wanted to set the household by the ears, or else present me with a fortune in eggs. Something peculiar is going to happen today, you mark my words: they never start cackling like that without something unexpected happening the same day.

VIRGINIO
2She’s miles away — communing with the angels. Or with the Reverend Father Superior of St. Francis’ friary.

CLEMENZIA
3 (as before)There was another thing that happened, which must mean something or other — though my confessor always says it’s wrong to pay attention to these things, and that I shouldn’t believe in signs and omens.

VIRGINIO
4What are you doing, talking to yourself like that? It’s no use hoping for windfalls. Christmas was a long time ago.

CLEMENZIA
5Oh! Good day, Virginio. As God’s my witness, it was you I was coming to see. You’re up very early. What a pleasure to see you!

VIRGINIO
6What were you muttering to yourself just then? Were you possibly hoping to come and cadge a bushel of corn, or a flask of oil, or a piece of lard? It would hardly make a change, would it?

CLEMENZIA
7Oh, naturally, sir! Where else should we turn but to my Lord Bountiful, if we’re in need of a handout? He’s saving it all for those children he hasn’t got.

VIRGINIO
8What were you saying, then?

CLEMENZIA
9I was saying that I don’t know what to make of the fact that a pretty little kitten which I’ve got, and which I thought I’d lost for a fortnight, came back again this morning; and she caught a little mouse in my bedroom in the dark; and while she was playing with it, she knocked over a bottle of Trebbiano wine which the preacher up at St. Francis’ gave me — (hastily)because I’ve been doing his laundry for him.

VIRGINIO
10Spilt wine means a wedding. But what you really mean is that you want me to give you another. Am I right?

CLEMENZIA
11You’re right.

VIRGINIO
12So I guessed from the start, didn’t I? But what’s the news of your fosterling Lelia?

CLEMENZIA
13Ah! poor girl, what a disgrace, it would be better if she had never been born!

VIRGINIO
14Why? What’s happened?

CLEMENZIA
15Why, he says! Haven’t you heard that old Gherardo Foiani is going round telling everyone that he’s going to marry her, and that all the arrangements are made?

VIRGINIO
16He’s telling the truth. What’s the matter? Don’t you think she’s made a fine match? She’s going into an honourable family, to a rich husband, well equipped and provided with everything she can want. And there’s no one else in the household, so she won’t have to fight like cats with lots of mothers-in-law, stepdaughters, sisters-in-law, as happens all too often. And he’ll treat her like a daughter.

CLEMENZIA
17Isn’t that just the trouble? Young women want to be treated like wives, not like daughters; they want someone who’ll pinch them, and nibble them, and towsle them, before and behind, not someone who’ll treat them like a daughter.

VIRGINIO
18You think all women are like you, eh? Because we both know what you’re like, don’t we? But it’s not always true; and anyway, Gherardo seems to have every intention of treating her like a wife.

CLEMENZIA
19How will he manage that, when he’s past fifty years old?

VIRGINIO
20What does that matter? Look at me: I’m nearly as old as he is, and you know whether I can manage a good gallop or two.

CLEMENZIA
21 (ambiguous)Oh, you’re in a class of your own, we all know that. But if I believed you were really going to give her to him, I’d drown her first.

VIRGINIO
22 (serious)Clemenzia, I lost everything I possessed. Now I have to do the best I can. If Fabrizio one day were to be found alive, and I’d already given everything to her, then he’d starve — which I would not like to see. I’m marrying her now to Gherardo with the proviso that if Fabrizio is not found within four years, she will get a thousand florins in dowry: whereas if he should turn up, then she is to have only two hundred, and Gherardo is prepared to find all the rest.

CLEMENZIA
23Poor child! There’s one thing, if she takes a leaf from my book, she’ll....

VIRGINIO
24How is she? How long is it since you last saw her?

CLEMENZIA
25More than two weeks. I was going to see her today.

VIRGINIO
26I suspect that those nuns want to make her a nun too, and I’m afraid they may have put ideas into her head. You know how they can be. You go down and see her, and tell her from me that she must come home.

CLEMENZIA
27 (casual, spying an opportunity)Do you know, I was wondering if you could lend me two carlini to buy a load of firewood. I haven’t a stick in the house.

VIRGINIO
28You can’t win with this one, can you, Devil take it! All right, you go along, and I’ll buy it for you.

CLEMENZIA
29But I’m going to Mass first.

(Exit Virginio into town.)

Scene 3

LELIA, dressed as a boy and calling herself Fabio; and CLEMENZIA the nurse.

LELIA
1 (comes from Flamminio’s house, and addresses audience)Surely I am becoming quite shameless, when I think that in spite of knowing how lewd is the behaviour of these dissolute young men in Modena, I still choose to venture out of doors alone, at this hour! It would serve me right if one of those debauched youths were to seize me by force, drag me into some house, and decide to see for himself whether I am male or female. That would teach me to go out so early! But the cause of all this daring is Love, the love I feel for that cruel, ungrateful Flamminio. Oh what a fate to suffer! I love a man who hates me, who constantly disparages me; I serve a man who does not know me; and, even more unbearable, I help him to court another woman — no one will believe this, if it ever becomes known — with no hope other than to be able some day to quench this thirst I have for the mere sight of him. And until now, everything has gone sufficiently well. But how shall I manage from now on? What course can I follow? My father has come home. Flamminio has come to live in town. I cannot stay here without being recognized; and if that happens I shall be shamed for ever, an object of scandal for the whole city. This is why I came out so early — to seek advice from my old nurse, whom I saw from my window coming this way, and to choose with her help whatever remedy seems best. But first I want to see whether she recognizes me in these clothes.

CLEMENZIA
2Well I never! Flamminio must have come back to live in Modena, his front door is open. If Lelia knew that piece of news, she couldn’t wait to get home to her father’s. But who is this young nitwit who keeps on crossing my path this morning? (To Lelia)Must you stay under my feet? Can’t you get out of the way? Stop prowling round me, will you? What do you want? If you knew what I think of your sort of young....

LELIA
3And a very good day to you, Mrs Thumb-twiddle.

CLEMENZIA
4Buzz off with your good day! Take it back to whoever you’ve been giving a good night to.

LELIA
5I might have been giving a very good night to somebody. But I could still manage to give you a good day, if you’re interested.

CLEMENZIA
6Stop mucking me about. I’ve got enough to cope with this morning without you. If you don’t look out, I’ll....

LELIA
7Could you just possibly be on your way to an assignation with the Father Superior at St. Francis’? Or are you going to see the reverend Brother Longcarrot?

CLEMENZIA
8You go and boil your head! What right have you got poking your nose into my business, where I’m going and where I’m coming from? What Father Superior? What Brother Longcarrot?

LELIA
9Now, now! Don’t lose your temper, Mrs All-Cluck-and-No-Egg.

CLEMENZIA
10I’m sure I know that face; I don’t know where, but I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Listen, brat: how come you know me so well that you go ferreting into my affairs? Take that hood from your face.

LELIA
11Come off it! Pretending you don’t know me, eh?

CLEMENZIA
12If you hide away like that, nobody’ll know you.

LELIA
13Come over here a bit.

CLEMENZIA
14Where?

LELIA
15Over this way. Now do you recognize me?

CLEMENZIA
16Can it be... Lelia! Oh Lord forgive us! Oh what have I done to deserve it? It is Lelia! Oh heavens, what are you doing, my poor child?

LELIA
17Keep your voice down. Are you going off your head? If you go on yelling like that, I’m not staying here.

CLEMENZIA
18She’s not even ashamed of it! Can you really have become a... a woman of the world?

LELIA
19Of course I’m ‘of the world’. Have you ever seen a woman out of the world? I’ve never been there, as far as I remember.

CLEMENZIA
20I mean... have you lost the name of virgin?

LELIA
21The name, no, not as far as I know, at least not in this town. For the rest you’ll have to ask the Spaniards who held me to ransom in Rome.

CLEMENZIA
22Is this the credit you bring to your father, to your family name, to yourself, and to me who nursed you? I’ve a good mind to skin you with my own hands. Come inside quickly: I’m not having you seen around dressed like that.

LELIA
23Look, calm down just for a minute, please, nurse.

CLEMENZIA
24Aren’t you ashamed to be seen in those clothes?

LELIA
25You talk as if I were the first. I saw hundreds of women in Rome doing the same. And even in this town, there are plenty who go about their business every night dressed like this.

CLEMENZIA
26But those are all trollops.

LELIA
27Well, can’t all the trollops find room for just one respectable woman?

CLEMENZIA
28You’re going to tell me why you’re mixing with them, and why you ran away from the convent. Oh God, if your father saw you, he’d kill you on the spot.

LELIA
29It would be a merciful release. I haven’t very much reason to value my life, have I?

CLEMENZIA
30Why are you going round like this? Tell me.

LELIA
31If you’ll only be quiet and listen, I will tell you; and then you’ll understand how miserable I am, and why I’m going round outside the convent dressed like this, and what I want you to do about it. But move a bit further out of the way, so that if anyone should pass they won’t recognize me just because they see me talking to you.

CLEMENZIA
32Oh, I’m all of a dither! Come on, tell me quickly, or I shall burst. Oh dear!

LELIA
33Well then, you know that after that horrible Sack of Rome, my father had lost all his property and my brother Fabrizio along with it; and so as not to be left alone he took me away from serving my lady the Marchioness, where he had placed me before, and we came back to Modena because we had nowhere else to go, hoping to leave all the misfortune behind us and live on what little we had left. And you know that since my father had been known as a supporter of Count Guido Rangone, there were some people here who were not very well disposed towards him.

CLEMENZIA
34Why go telling me things I know better than you do? And I also know that because of that, you both went to live out of town, on that little Fontanile farm of yours.

LELIA
35That’s right. You also know what an empty and miserable life I led there, cut off from almost all human contact, let alone from thoughts of love — because after I had been captured by the soldiers, everyone was pointing the finger at me, and there seemed to be no way for me to live virtuously enough to stop people gossiping. You ought to remember, because you kept telling me off for being so gloomy, and you tried to cheer me up all the time.

CLEMENZIA
36If I know, why tell me? Go on.

LELIA
37Because if I hadn’t gone over it again, you wouldn’t follow the next part. Now it was at that time that Flamminio Carandini became very friendly with my father, because he was on our side politically; and he came to our house absolutely every day; and often, very secretly, he would look at me, and lower his eyes with a sigh. And it was you who pointed it out to me. So I began to take notice, and appreciate his manners, his conversation and his style, much more than I had to start with, though I wasn’t thinking yet in terms of love. But as he kept coming to our house so regularly, and dropping hints and signs of love, one after the other — sighing, pleading, gazing at me — I realized that he was more than a little taken with me. And so I, who had never really experienced love before, seeing this man so worthy a subject for my thoughts, began to dote on him so fiercely that to look at him was the only pleasure I ever sought.

CLEMENZIA
38I knew all that, too.

LELIA
39And you know as well that when the armies withdrew from Rome, my father wanted to go back there to see if any of our property had survived, but most of all to see if there was news of my brother; and so as not to leave me alone, he sent me to stay at Mirandola, until he came home, with my aunt Giovanna. And how I hated to part from my Flamminio you know too well, from the number of times you had to dry my tears! I stayed at Mirandola for a whole year. Then, when my father came home, you know that I came back to Modena, more in love than ever with my very first love who had delighted me so much; and expecting that he would still love me as he had shown he did before.

CLEMENZIA
40You poor silly child! And how many young men have you ever known in Modena who stayed in love with the same woman for a whole year, instead of making fools of a new one every month?

LELIA
41Indeed I found, just as you say, that he had forgotten me as though he had never seen me in his life; and what is worse, that he is now devoting his heart, his soul and all his energies to winning the love of Gherardo Foiani’s daughter Isabella who, as well as being beautiful, is her father’s only heir — if the crazy old fool doesn’t get married again and produce some more children.

CLEMENZIA
42He’s counting on doing just that — with you! — and he says that your father has promised he can have you. But none of all this has got anything to do with your going around dressed as a man and running away from the convent.

LELIA
43If you let me go on, you’ll see that it has something to do with it. But as for what you just said, I can promise you that that old man will never have me. When my father came back from Rome, he had to ride over to Bologna to settle various business deals; and since I wouldn’t go back to Mirandola, he sent me to the Convent of the Holy Election, to our relative Sister Charity, because he didn’t think he would be away very long.

CLEMENZIA
44You’re still not telling me anything new.

LELIA
45Once I got to that convent, I found that the only subject of conversation among those reverend mothers was their love affairs; so I felt I could risk telling my whole story to Sister Charity Lovecraft. She was very sympathetic; she insisted on arranging for Flamminio to come several times to the convent, to speak with her or with others, just so I could hide behind some curtains, and feast my eyes with the sight of him, and my ears with the sound of his voice, which was the only thing I wanted in the whole world. But one day when he came, among all the other things he said, I heard him grieving for a young page boy of his who had died. He said this boy had been a servant in a million; and that if he could find another lad like him, he would be as happy as a king, and would entrust him with anything he possessed.

CLEMENZIA
46Oh dear, oh dear! I can see where this page boy is leading to.

LELIA
47Straight away I was determined to try and arrange for me to be this lucky young boy. The moment he had gone, I suggested to Sister Charity that, since Flamminio wasn’t actually living in town, we might see if I could set myself up to be his new servant.

CLEMENZIA
48Didn’t I say I could see it coming? Oh misery me!

LELIA
49She encouraged me to try: she taught me how I ought to conduct myself, and she lent me some of the man’s clothes which she had just had made for herself, so that she could slip out in disguise on her own private business like all the other nuns do. And so, early one morning, I walked out of the convent in these clothes, reckoning that it was far enough out of town for me not to attract any attention. And I went to the villa where Flamminio was living, which is not far from the convent, as you know; and I waited around there until he came out. And then luck was really on my side, because Flamminio caught sight of me straight away, and asked me very affably if there was anything I wanted, and where I came from.

CLEMENZIA
50And didn’t you drop dead from shame on the spot?

LELIA
51Not at all. Love put heart into me, and I answered straight back that I was from Rome, and fallen on hard times, so I had gone out to seek my fortune. He looked me up and down, from head to foot, for such a long time that I was almost afraid he recognized me; then he said that if I were willing to enter his service, he would be happy to engage me; and would treat me well, as a man of breeding should. I did feel a little ashamed then, but I said yes.

CLEMENZIA
52It makes me curl up with shame just to listen to you. What on earth did you expect to gain from this crazy scheme?

LELIA
53To gain? Isn’t it some satisfaction for a girl in love to see the man she adores all the time, to talk to him, to touch him, to know his secrets and who he spends his time with, to converse with him, and to be sure at least that if you can’t enjoy him yourself, no one else is enjoying him either?

CLEMENZIA
54Those are all silly little things, just fanning the flames to no purpose, if you’re not sure that you’re pleasing him as well as yourself. How do you serve him? And where?

LELIA
55I’m his waiter at table, and his valet in the bedroom. And I know that in the two weeks I’ve been working for him he has come to look on me with such favour that, if only he felt the same about me in my proper clothes, I would be in Heaven.

CLEMENZIA
56But wait a minute — where do you sleep?

LELIA
57In his antechamber, alone.

CLEMENZIA
58Supposing one night he were to be tempted by... by a wicked temptation, and called you in to sleep with him? Then what would happen?

LELIA
59I’m not going to invent trouble before it comes. If that happened, I should think about it, and decide what to do.

CLEMENZIA
60You naughty girl! What will people say when all this comes out?

LELIA
61Who is going to tell them about it, if you don’t? Now what I want you to do is this — because I hear that my father came home last night, and I expect he'll be sending for me — I want you to arrange that he puts off calling me home for four or five days; or else make him believe that I have gone to Roverino with Sister Charity and will be coming back again in about that time.

CLEMENZIA
62What’s the point of that?

LELIA
63I’ll tell you. Flamminio, as I said, is in love with Isabella Foiani, and he often sends me to her with letters and messages. She, thinking that I’m a young man, has fallen so madly in love with me that she can’t take her hands off me; and I’m pretending that I shan’t return her love unless she can put Flamminio off and make him give her up — and I’m making some progress. There’s a good chance that within three or four days I shall manage it, and he’ll drop her.

CLEMENZIA
64But your father has just this minute sent me to fetch you! All I want to do is to take you back to my house and send for your proper clothes. I won’t have you seen about like that a moment longer, and if you won’t come with me I shall tell your father everything.

LELIA
65In that case I shall make sure that neither you nor he will ever see me again. Do it my way, nurse... please! But I can’t explain any more now, I can hear Flamminio calling. Coming, sir! Wait for me at your house in an hour, and I’ll come and find you. And listen, make sure that if you ever have to ask for me, you call me Fabio — Fabio degli Alberini, that’s what I’m calling myself, so don’t go getting it wrong. Yes sir, right away! Good-bye.

(She exits to Flamminio’s house.)

CLEMENZIA
66My goodness, she’s seen old Gherardo coming out: that’s why she ran off so fast. Now what am I going to do? I can’t tell her father what she’s done, but I can’t let her carry on with it either. I’ll keep quiet until I can talk to her again.

Scene 4

GHERARDO, PLUCK, CLEMENZIA
(Gherardo comes out of his house with his servant Pluck.)

GHERARDO
1If Virginio keeps his promise, I’ll be in clover! I’ll be as well off for frolics as any man in Modena. What do you say, Pluck? Won’t I just?

PLUCK
2I reckon you’d do better to make some provision for those nephews of yours, who can’t make ends meet — and for me! All this time I’ve worked for you, and I’ve not saved up so much as a pair of boots. This young wife of yours will just lead you a dance, and make you a... well, work it out for yourself.

GHERARDO
3Oh no, just you wait and see. I shan’t be slack in paying her wages.

PLUCK
4Oh sure: only where another man would put a penny in the slot, you’ll only be able to manage a ha’penny.

GHERARDO
5Here’s her nurse. Quiet now, while I worm some news of Lelia out of her.

CLEMENZIA
6 (to audience)Oh what a fine Prince Charming for a tender young bride! Imagine the poor girl ending up with that moribund old dodderer! So help me, I’d sooner throttle her than let her be given to that stale, mouldy, dribbling, putrid, snotty piece of decrepitude. I must get a few laughs out of him, at least. (Goes to Gherardo.)A very good morning to you, Gherardo, sir! You look as fresh as a cherub this morning.

GHERARDO
7And a fistful of good mornings to you, my dear, and a handful of ducats into the bargain.

PLUCK
8I’m the one that needs those.

GHERARDO
9Oh Pluck, how happy I would be if I were this good lady here!

PLUCK
10You mean you wish you’d had the pleasure of all those husbands, instead of just one wife? Or is there some other reason?

CLEMENZIA
11What do you mean, you, Pluck? I’ll have you plucked and shaved before I’ve finished with you. ‘All those husbands’, indeed! Feeling jealous? Wishing you’d been one of them?

PLUCK
12My God yes — that really would have been a privilege.

GHERARDO
13Quiet, you ape! That’s not what I meant at all.

PLUCK
14What did you mean then?

GHERARDO
15 (with lyric imbecillity)Because if I’d been her, I could have hugged and kissed my little Lelia over and over again — sweet Lelia, sugar and gold, milk and roses....

PLUCK
16Ugh! Uuugh! Here, guv’nor, we’d better go home. Quick!

GHERARDO
17Why?

PLUCK
18You’re sickening for something, you’re feverish. It won’t do you any good to stay out in this cold air.

GHERARDO
19Feverish yourself! What fever? I’m perfectly well.

PLUCK
20I know what I’m talking about. You’re dangerously ill.

GHERARDO
21I’m quite well, I tell you.

PLUCK
22Does your head ache?

GHERARDO
23No.

PLUCK
24Let me feel your pulse a moment. Have you got a belly ache? Can you feel the fumes rising to the brain?

GHERARDO
25Stop talking drivel. Are you trying to make an idiot of me? There’s nothing on my brain except Lelia, my tender flower, my sugar-bun.

PLUCK
26I say you’re feverish, you’re very sick.

GHERARDO
27What are you talking about?

PLUCK
28What? Can’t you tell you're off your rocker? You’re delirious, you’re breathing heavy, you’re talking a load of nonsense.

GHERARDO
29That’s the effect of Love, eh, Clemenzia? Omnia vincit Amor.

PLUCK
30Oh, a fine phrase for a Neapolitan ponce! Applause from all the company! Breathtaking originality!

GHERARDO
31Your little fosterling, she’s such a minx!

PLUCK
32That’s not fever, that’s softening of the brain. A fine thing to happen. What do I do now?

GHERARDO
33Oh Clemenzia, I could hug you and kiss you a thousand times.

PLUCK
34What did I tell you? He needs a strait-jacket.

CLEMENZIA
35No, thank you very much. I don’t want old men kissing me.

PLUCK
36Steady on! He’s still got some eyes in his mouth — I mean, some teeth in his head.

CLEMENZIA
37At least you’re not as old as you look, I can see that.

GHERARDO
38Tell Lelia so! Do you hear? If you put in a good word for me, I’ll give you a new veil.

PLUCK
39Big spender! And what will you give me?

CLEMENZIA
40Now now, sir, if the Duke of Ferrara had as many good words for you as Lelia has, then your fortune would be made! You’re just tantalising the poor girl: if you were really fond of her, you wouldn’t be getting her all steamed up like this, and spoiling her chances.

GHERARDO
41What do you mean, spoiling her chances? I’m trying to give her the chance of a lifetime.

CLEMENZIA
42Then why have you been spinning it out for a whole year before you come to terms? Let her know, one way or the other.

GHERARDO
43What? Does Lelia think that’s my fault? Doesn’t she know that I’ve been pestering her father every day, that there’s nothing I’d like better in the world than to marry her right here and now? May I be carried out of that house feet first if it isn’t true.

CLEMENZIA
44Well, may God grant your wish. I’ll tell her everything you’ve said. But do you know what? She’d like to see you going round a bit differently — not like the way you do now, like an old ram.

GHERARDO
45Old ram? I’ve not had the chance to touch her.

CLEMENZIA
46No, it’s not that. It’s the way you go about muffled up in those skins all the time.

PLUCK
47What’s he supposed to do, then? Have himself flayed? Or run around the town stark naked? I don’t know what things are coming to.

GHERARDO
48My wardrobe is as good as any man’s in Modena. I’m obliged that you told me. I’ll make sure that she sees me in a different guise before long. But when will I be able to see her? When will she come back from the convent?

CLEMENZIA
49She’ll be at the St. Francis gate. I must go and fetch her now.

GHERARDO
50Why don’t I keep you company? We could have a little chat on the way.

CLEMENZIA
51What are you thinking of? What would people say?

GHERARDO
52God! How long before I burst with passion?

PLUCK
53 (echoing)God! How long before I give him a thrashing?

GHERARDO
54O happy Clemenzia!

PLUCK
55O senile dementia!

GHERARDO
56O blushing bride of June!

PLUCK
57O gibbering baboon!

GHERARDO
58You nursed her at your breast!

PLUCK
59You’ll burst, you need a rest!

GHERARDO
60O idol of my soul!

PLUCK
61Oh go and stick a carrot up your hole!

GHERARDO
62Well then, good-bye Clemenzia! (Exit Clemenzia.) 0063Come on, Pluck, I must go and smarten myself up. From now on I must dress differently to please my bride.

PLUCK
64No good will come of it.

GHERARDO
65What do you mean?

PLUCK
66You’re already starting to do what she tells you. I can see who’s going to wear the breeches in this household.

GHERARDO
67Go to Marco’s scent shop, and buy me a flask of civet. From now on I must be the young lover about town.

PLUCK
68Where’s the money for it?

GHERARDO
69Here’s a bolognino. Be quick. I’ll start back home.

(Exits to his own house.)

Scene 5

PLUCK, then STOKE, servant to Virginio

PLUCK
1If anyone wanted to collect up every possible aspect of idiocy and shut them all in a bag, he’d only have to pop my master into it and the job would be done. It’s even worse now he’s got this love-lunacy. He combs his hair, and he plucks his eyebrows, and he struts about in front of the women, and he goes off to all-night parties with his little sword dangling, and sings all day in his creaky horrible voice with a warped old lute more out of tune than he is. And he’s started writing, too — odes, and song-its and epustules (which he’ll catch if he's not careful) and ball-ads and mad wriggles and couplings and every other kind of farce. It’s enough to make a donkey laugh, let alone a cat. And now he wants to go back to wearing civet. It curdles my balls, it really does. But here comes old Stoke: he must be back from the nuns.

STOKE
2 (coming from town, not noticing Pluck)Have you seen all these old fathers sending their daughters to be nuns nowadays? Real old-fashioned simple-minded virtue, that is — from the days of Old King Cu-Cold. They seem to think the girls ’ll be grateful — imagine them spending day and night in front of the crucifix, blessing the souls of the benefactors who put them in the convent. They’re praying, all right, to God and the Devil: praying that the people who locked them away inside will break their necks.

PLUCK
3I mustn’t miss this.

STOKE
4The moment I knocked at the hatch, the whole parlour filled up with nuns in a twinkling, all as young and pretty as angels. I ask if I can see Lelia. So they start giggling here, and tittering there, all sending me up as if I was a spare sugar-stick at a wedding.

PLUCK
5Hello, Stoke, where have you been? Hey, you’ve got some sweets. Give us a few.

STOKE
6May the pox rot you, and your lunatic boss too.

PLUCK
7If you leave me out of it, be my guest. Where have you been?

STOKE
8To the Convent of the Holy Election.

PLUCK
9Oh really? How’s Lelia? Have they sent her home yet?

STOKE
10Send yourself to be hanged! Does that old wreck of a boss of yours really think he’s going to have her?

PLUCK
11Why not? Doesn’t she want him?

STOKE
12It doesn’t seem likely, does it? He’s not exactly a tender morsel for her young teeth.

PLUCK
13No, you can’t blame her, can you? What does she say?

STOKE
14Nothing at all. How could she, when I’ve not been able to see her? When I got there and asked for her, those jaileresses at the convent just tried to take the mickey out of me.

PLUCK
15It wasn’t your mickey they were after, it was your dickey. You don’t know what they’re like.

STOKE
16I know them better than you do, pox rot ’em! You should have seen them. One asks me if I fancy her, if I’d be prepared to marry her. Another says Lelia’s just out of the tub in the dormitory, being dried; so someone else says she’s being pressed in the cloister. And then another asks (imitating)‘Did your father have any male children?’ So I nearly told them to f... find out for themselves. But in the end I saw they were teasing me to put me off, they didn’t want me to talk to Lelia.

PLUCK
17You missed your chance. You should have thrust your way in, and said you’d look for her yourself.

STOKE
18Poxing hell! Go in there alone? What do you take me for? A randy stud stallion couldn’t do their business for them without help. Nuns! I ask you. But I can’t stand here talking to you, I’ve got to report to my boss.

PLUCK
19And I’ve got to go and buy civet for mine — the lunatic!

End of Act I

ACT II

Scene 1

LELIA as ‘Fabio’; FLAMMINIO, a young man in love
(They come from Flamminio’s house.)

FLAMMINIO
1It really makes no sense to me, Fabio! After all this while, you have still not been able to obtain any response from this cruel, ungracious Isabella. And yet, if she is always prepared to listen to you, and if she welcomes you so eagerly, it is hard to believe that she actually dislikes me: after all, I have never done anything which could displease her, as far as I know. You would be able to gather, wouldn’t you, from her conversation, if she had any cause to see me as her enemy? Tell me again, Fabio, please: just what did she say last night when you went there with that letter?

LELIA
2I’ve told you a dozen times over already, sir.

FLAMMINIO
3So tell me again. What concern is it of yours?

LELIA
4What concern? I’m concerned, sir, because I can see that it makes you unhappy, and that hurts me as much as it does you. Being your servant, I am supposed to try to please you at all times — and listening to these answers of hers, you might end by blaming me.

FLAMMINIO
5Don’t be afraid of that, Fabio my boy — I’m as fond of you as I am of my own brother. I know how loyal you are to me, and you can count on my standing by you always. You’ll see what I mean, in time, if you can wait just a while. But what did she say?

LELIA
6What I told you before: that the greatest favour in the world that you can do her is to leave her in peace and forget about her, because her thoughts are turned elsewhere; that she is not sufficiently her own mistress even to be able to look at you, because her eyes are slaves to another; that you are wasting your time and energy in pursuing her, because you will be left at the end clutching nothing but the empty air.

FLAMMINIO
7But do you think, Fabio, that she really means these things she says, or is it just that she’s offended with something I’ve done? Because there was a time when she seemed quite amiable towards me, and I can hardly believe that she dislikes me when she keeps accepting my letters and messages. I shall continue to plead with her, come what may. Sooner or later she will succumb. What do you say, Fabio? Don’t you think so?

LELIA
8I think not, my lord.

FLAMMINIO
9But why?

LELIA
10Because if I were in your place, I should at the very least expect to be allowed to see her. It’s not as though a man like you can be short of interested ladies — you’re well born, high-minded, dignified, handsome.... Take my advice, master: let her alone, and devote yourself to someone else who loves you. You’ll find such a one, you’ll see, and probably just as pretty as Isabella. Think now, is there no one in this town who would be glad if you were to love her?

FLAMMINIO
11More than a few, of course! There’s one in particular among all the others, called Lelia — do you know, you look amazingly like her, I’ve been meaning to say so several times. She’s reckoned to be the prettiest, the shrewdest, the most spirited girl in town. I must point her out to you one day. She would be overjoyed if I paid her some attention: she’s rich, she’s been in court, and she was my sweetheart for nearly a year. She made it clear scores of times how she felt, and then all of a sudden she went off to Mirandola. And my evil luck made me fall in love with Isabella, who has been as cold towards me as Lelia was kind.

LELIA
12Master, in that case you deserve whatever sufferings you get, because if you have someone who loves you, and you don’t appreciate her, it’s only justice that another woman should not appreciate you.

FLAMMINIO
13What do you mean?

LELIA
14If that poor young lady was in love with you before, and still loves you more than ever, why did you cast her aside to follow someone else? I don’t know if God can ever forgive such a sin. My lord Flamminio, you are doing a great wrong.

FLAMMINIO
15You’re still only a boy, Fabio, you don’t understand the strength of love. I say that I am compelled to love this Isabella; I dote on her; I cannot and I will not think of anyone but her. So you must go back and talk to her, and see if you can tease out of her just what it is that I’ve done that makes her refuse even to see me.

LELIA
16You are wasting your time, sir.

FLAMMINIO
17My time is my own to waste.

LELIA
18It will be no use.

FLAMMINIO
19So be it.

LELIA
20Let her go, sir — I’m sure I’m right.

FLAMMINIO
21I cannot. Go along now, if you please.

LELIA
22Very well then, but....

FLAMMINIO
23Come back straight away with her answer. I’m going as far as the Cathedral.

LELIA
24At the first suitable moment I’ll approach her.

FLAMMINIO
25Fabio, if you succeed in this, you can name your own reward.

(Flamminio exits to town.)

LELIA
26He’s away just in time. Here’s Pasquella on her way to find me.

Scene 2

PASQUELLA, servant to Gherardo; LELIA as Fabio
(Pasquella enters from Gherardo’s house.)

PASQUELLA
27 (to audience)I don’t think there’s anything more troublesome in the world, for someone like me, than to be in the service of a young woman in love. And it’s even worse with one like my mistress, who doesn’t have to worry about a mother, or sisters, or anyone else who might find out. The last few days she's been getting so itchy and so frantic, there’s no peace by night or by day. She keeps scratching away at her... pincushion, kneading at her thighs, one minute she dashes to the window, then downstairs, then up again; she won’t stand still for a minute, you’d think she had quicksilver on her feet. Lord save us! I don’t know, I’ve had my share of being young and in love, and I’ve done some things in my time; but I did use to sit down occasionally. It wouldn’t be so bad if she’d latched on to a man of some substance and experience, who knew what he was up to and could scratch her itch for her properly! But she’s gone all soft over a silly little boy who’s hardly got the sense to do up his own breeches without some help. And she keeps sending me out after this handsome swain at all hours of the day, as though I hadn’t enough to keep me busy in the house. And while all this is going on, his boss still thinks that he’s just acting as a go-between. But there he is, coming this way. That’s a piece of luck! Fabio, a very good day to you. I was on my way to find you, my sweetheart.

LELIA
28And a thousand ducats to you, Pasquella my love. And what is your beautiful mistress up to? What did she want me for?

PASQUELLA
29What do you think she’s doing? She’s weeping, she’s wilting, she’s wasting away, because you haven’t paid her a call yet this morning.

LELIA
30Does she expect me to turn up before it’s even light?

PASQUELLA
31I think she’d like it even better if you stayed with her all night.

LELIA
32Not likely! I’ve got other things to do. I’ve got to wait on my master, haven’t I?

PASQUELLA
33Oh, I’m sure your master wouldn’t miss you if you came here. After all, you don’t sleep with him — or do you?

LELIA
34I wish to Heaven I were that much in his favour! Then I wouldn’t be in the trouble I’m in now.

PASQUELLA
35Come on, now! Wouldn’t you rather sleep with Isabella?

LELIA
36Not I.

PASQUELLA
37Hey! You’re having me on.

LELIA
38I wish I were.

PASQUELLA
39Well, anyway.... My mistress begs you to come to her straight away, because her father has gone out and she wants to talk to you about something important.

LELIA
40Tell her that if she doesn’t get rid of Flamminio, she’s wasting her time: she knows quite well that it would be all up with me if I were found cheating my master.

PASQUELLA
41Come and tell her yourself.

LELIA
42I tell you I’m busy. Didn’t you hear?

PASQUELLA
43Busy with what? Go on, pop in for a moment: you don’t have to stay long.

LELIA
44Stop pestering me, for goodness sake. Take yourself off.

PASQUELLA
45You won’t come, then?

LELIA
46No, I’ve told you. How many more times?

PASQUELLA
47Well really, I must say, young Fabio, you think a great deal of yourself. If you want my opinion, you’re just a silly child who doesn’t know when he’s well off. You’re not always going to be mooned over like this, you know. Those whiskers will come, sooner or later; and then you won’t have your tender pink cheeks and your little rosebud lips, and there won’t be quite so many people chasing after you, will there? The you’ll realize what a fool you were, and you’ll be sorry when it’s too late. How many men do you think there are in this town who would give anything for Isabella just to throw a glance in their direction? And all you can do is turn your nose up — talk about pearls before swine!

LELIA
48Why doesn’t she throw them a few glances, then? Perhaps she’d leave me in peace.

PASQUELLA
49Good God! I know young men are not supposed to have much sense, but....

LELIA
50Come on now, Pasquella! Stop preaching at me, you’re only making things worse.

PASQUELLA
51You supercilious little urchin, you'll be sorry when you get off your high horse! (Changing tone)Oh come on now, Fabio my love, my honeybunch! Come and see her, do me a favour; otherwise she’ll only send me out after you again, she won’t even believe I found you the first time.

LELIA
52All right! Go along now, Pasquella, I’ll come. I was only teasing you.

PASQUELLA
53When, my sweetheart?

LELIA
54Soon.

PASQUELLA
55How soon?

LELIA
56Right away. Go on, now.

PASQUELLA
57I’ll be waiting for you on the doorstep.

LELIA
58Yes, yes, all right!

(Exit)

PASQUELLA
59Hey! Do you hear me? If you don’t come soon, I’ll give you what for!

Scene 3

LILIAS, a Spanish soldier; PASQUELLA

LILIAS
1Por mi vida! Hhere I see before me ze anthient and fortunate vooman hhose mistress is ze hhandsomest señorita in all zis thittyNXNota del traductor

Lilias’s pronunciation: A double ‘h’ is used to represent a guttural ‘ch’ sound, as in Scottish ‘loch’ or the first sound of Spanish junta, gente. An accent on a vowel indicates a stressed syllable; and a dieresis over an ‘e’ (‘possethiónës’) shows that it is pronounced as a separate syllable.

. If only I could make ze occasión to strike up a conversathión viz hher, in secret and vizout testimonies! I svear by ze chastity of all ze hholy priests in Rome zat I vould make hher sqveal like a cat in ze hhayloft! I shall try my blandishments upon hher, and dethieve zis shoddy and corrupt old hhag into giving me all her possethiónës. Buenos días, señora Pasquella, flower of hhentility! Hhwere hhave you been at zis premature hour of ze day?

PASQUELLA
2Oh! Good day to you Señor Lilias! And where are you on your way to?

LILIAS
3I go hhunting for adventura, zat I might find some vooman to bestow hher caresses upon me.

PASQUELLA
4 (ironic)Of course! You Spaniards can’t get rid of them, can you? Not a single one of you that hasn’t got a dozen of us poor females just waiting on his pleasure!

LILIAS
5To speak truth, I hhave but two, dos — but I cannot visit eizer vun vizout periglo extremo, extreme peril!

PASQUELLA
6Oh really? They’ll be gentlewomen, no doubt, from the best known ‘houses’.

LILIAS
7Exactamente. But I am now in search of a matron hhoo might launder my shirts for me, repair my breeches and doublet, and treat me as hher own son — and I in my turn vould serve hher viz devothión.

PASQUELLA
8Well, keep on searching, you're bound to find someone eventually. A man who traffics with gentlewomen should have no trouble with servants.

LILIAS
9She is already found, viz your permithión.

PASQUELLA
10Who is she?

LILIAS
11Yourselve.

PASQUELLA
12What? I’m too old for you.

LILIAS
13Old? I svear by ze Virgen María of Monserrato zat I took you for an infanta of fifteen or tventy yearss! Por favor, do not speak of yourselve so, it cautheth me much pain. Consider razzer if you may do me some favor, and zen you vill see if I treat you as old or as young.

PASQUELLA
14Oh no, none of your swaggering. I’m having no truck with Spaniards. You’re like hornets, you lot: even if you don’t sting, you pester the life out of people. Dealing with you is like picking up coal: you either burn your hand or get it dirty. No good comes of mixing in your affairs.

LILIAS
15No good? Madre de Diós, you vill benefit more from me zan from ze greatest nobleman of zis town. Perhhaps I may seem in some small poverty at zis moment, but I am vun of ze best and most hhighly born hidalgos of Spain.

PASQUELLA
16 (to audience)It’s a wonder he didn’t say ‘Duke’ or ‘Knight’ — all the Spaniards that come over here make out they’re lords of some kind. And look at them!

LILIAS
17Pasquella, acthept my protecthión, and you vill gain great things.

PASQUELLA
18Why, what will you give me, for heaven’s sake?

LILIAS
19I vish nothing but zat you should be my muzzer, mi madre. And I vill be your liddle son, and sometimes your hhusband too if you vish.

PASQUELLA
20Hey, leave me alone! Not likely!

LILIAS
21 (to audience)She laughéd! Victory! She vill yield to my persuathiónës!

PASQUELLA
22What did you say?

LILIAS
23I vish to give you a rosary for your devothiónës.

PASQUELLA
24Where is it then?

LILIAS
25Behhold.

PASQUELLA
26Oh, but that’s a necklace! (He snatches it away.)I thought you wanted to give it to me.

LILIAS
27If you vill consent to be my muzzer, please, zen I give it to you.

PASQUELLA
28I’ll be anything you like if I can have it.

LILIAS
29Hhwen may ve hhave a liddle conversathión togezzer — chust a short time?

PASQUELLA
30Whenever you like.

LILIAS
31Hhwere?

PASQUELLA
32Oh... I don’t know where.

LILIAS
33Hhave you not in your hhouze un lugar segreto, a secret place hhwere I may insert myselve zis evening?

PASQUELLA
34Well, there is somewhere... but suppose my master found out?

LILIAS
35But no, hhe vill know nothing.

PASQUELLA
36Listen, I’ll see if there’s any way of managing it this evening. You stroll by in front of the house, and I’ll let you know if you can come or not. Give me the necklace now, it’s a real beauty!

LILIAS
37 (holding on to it)Muy bien! I shall be ready and vaiting at dusk.

PASQUELLA
38Yes, yes, of course, but let’s have the beads.

LILIAS
39I shall bring zem viz me hhwen I come to your hhouze; before giving zem I vish to perfume zem a liddle.

PASQUELLA
40Oh, I’m not fussy about that. I’ll take them as they are, I don’t want them scented.

LILIAS
41But look, zis bead is broken. I must make it repairéd viz gold, and I give it to you zis evening. Is it not enough zat it vill be yourss?

PASQUELLA
42It’ll be mine when I’ve got my hands on it, and not before. That’s what comes of believing what a Spaniard says to you. It’s just like I said: getting something out of you lot is like blood out of a stone.

LILIAS
43But madre, my muzzer, hhwat are you saying?

PASQUELLA
44I’m going home, my mistress is waiting.

LILIAS
45No, vait a liddle! Hhwy so much hhurry? Hhwat business hhave you viz your mistress?

PASQUELLA
46What do you think? Young women these days fall in love before you’ve stopped blowing their noses for them. If they’re not careful, before they start learning to sew, they’ll get ‘pricked’.

LILIAS
47Qué queréis dezir?

PASQUELLA
48What’s that? ‘Rests here?’ No, she doesn’t rest here or anywhere, with the fidgets she’s got on her.

LILIAS
49But tell me, por favor, viz hhoom is she in love? It seems not posible, she is too young.

PASQUELLA
50It’s only too true. I wish it wasn’t, or I wish she’d picked on someone of her own station.

LILIAS
51But tell me, I beg you: hhoo is hhe?

PASQUELLA
52I shouldn’t talk about it, really. Well, make sure you don’t spread it around. You know that page boy who waits on Flamminio de’ Carandini?

LILIAS
53Hhwat? Zat liddle boy hhoo is dressëd all in hhwite?

PASQUELLA
54That’s the one.

LILIAS
55Váleme Diós! Is it posible? Hhwat can she expect from him? Hhe seems vun to rethieve attenthiónës, not to give zem.

PASQUELLA
56You can say that again.

LILIAS
57And zis liddle boy, hhe loves hher also?

PASQUELLA
58It’s hard to say.

LILIAS
59But su padre, her fazzer, does hhe know of zis conspirathy?

PASQUELLA
60Not as far as I can see. In fact he’s found the boy twice in his house now, and he’s made a great fuss of him — taken his hand, chucked him under the chin, as though the lad were his own son. He says he looks very like the daughter of Virginio Bellenzini.

LILIAS
61Ah, ze filthy pig, perverted old svine! Sí, sí, it is clear hhwat hhe is vanting.

PASQUELLA
62Hey, you’ve kept me here too long, I’ve got to go.

LILIAS
63Listen: I vill come tonight. Do not forget your promise.

PASQUELLA
64And you don’t forget to bring the necklace.

(Both exit, Pasquella to Gherardo’s house, Lilias to town.)

Scene 4

FLAMMINIO; SIFTER, his servant; STOKE, servant to Virginio.

FLAMMINIO
1You still haven’t been to look for Fabio, as I told you, and he hasn’t come back yet. He’s been so long, I don’t know what to make of it.

SIFTER
2I was just going, and you called me back for something else. It’s not my fault.

FLAMMINIO
3Go now, then. If you find that he’s still in with Isabella, wait until he comes out and then bring him straight back here.

SIFTER
4How am I supposed to know if he’s inside her house or not? Do you want me to ask for him at the door?

FLAMMINIO
5You stupid half-wit! Do you want to give me away? Good God, I haven’t a servant in the house who’s worth his keep, apart from Fabio. I only hope I can give him the reward he deserves. What do you say? What are you mumbling, you moron? Isn’t it true?

SIFTER
6What am I supposed to be saying? I’m agreeing with you, aren’t I? Fabio is honest, Fabio is pretty, Fabio is a good servant. Fabio in with you, Fabio in with my lady.... Fabio goes everywhere, Fabio does everything. Only....

FLAMMINIO
7Only what?

SIFTER
8 (muttering)He won’t always be such a pretty piece of goods.

FLAMMINIO
9What’s that about ‘goods’?

SIFTER
10I say you shouldn’t trust him all the time with your goods. He’s only a foreigner, after all. One of these days he could diddle you and disappear with the lot.

(Enter Stoke.)

FLAMMINIO
11I wish I could trust the rest of you as much! Look, there’s Stoke; go and ask him if he’s seen the boy. I shall be at the Porrini Exchange.

(Exit Flamminio.)

SIFTER
12Hey, Stoke! Have you seen Fabio?

STOKE
13Who? That pretty boy of yours? You dirty dog, you’re on to a good thing there, aren’t you?

SIFTER
14Where are you off to?

STOKE
15Looking for my old gaffer.

SIFTER
16He just went by not long ago.

STOKE
17Which way was he pointing?

SIFTER
18Up that way. Come on, we'll find him together. Come on! I’ve got something to tell you about, a really juicy story that happened when I was in with Caterina. You’ll really crease yourself....

(They retire.)

Scene 5

PLUCK, alone

PLUCK
1There’s nothing worse than having to run errands for a boss who’s off his rocker. Gherardo sends me to buy him that civet. When I asked at the perfume shop for it, and said I only had one bolognino to pay for it, he started saying that I must have remembered it all wrong, and that Gherardo must have wanted some itch ointment — ’cause he needs plenty of that, he said, and he’s never bought civet before. So to make him believe me, I started telling him about this love affair; and he nearly died laughing, along with some young fellows that were there, and wanted me to buy him a flask of bromide. So I came away with nothing, and looking a fool into the bargain. If the boss really wants some, then next time he’ll have to cough up a bit more.

(Exit.)

Scene 6

SIFTER; STOKE; then LELIA as a boy, and ISABELLA
(Sifter and Stoke emerge with howls of laughter)

SIFTER
1There you are, what did I tell you? And if you want to come with me next time, I’ll find you another one just like her.

STOKE
2Get to work on it then: because if you can find me a girl who takes my fancy, I swear I’ll lay on a really good time for the two of us. I’ve got the keys to the granary, the cellar, the larder, and the wood store: all I need is a good bunk-up when I feel like it, and I reckon you and me could live in clover. After all, it’s the only way to get anything out of working for these bosses.

SIFTER
3Well, I’ve told you: I’ll get hold of old Bita, and get her to rustle you up a nice well-stacked little tart, and the four of us could really live it up during this Carnival.

STOKE
4But this is the last day of Carnival.

SIFTER
5Then we’ll live it up during Lent, while the bosses are day-dreaming in church listening to the sermons. Hey, hang on! Old Gherardo’s front door is opening. Stay back here, out of sight.

STOKE
6What for?

SIFTER
7Just in case.

(Isabella and Lelia appear on the doorstep of Gherardo’s house.)

LELIA
8Now listen, Isabella, don’t forget what you’ve promised me.

ISABELLA
9And you don’t forget to come and see me again. Wait, come here, I want to tell you something.

SIFTER
10If I were in the place of that pansy, I’d show the boss a trick or two!

STOKE
11You’d taste the goods yourself before you delivered them, eh?

SIFTER
12You can say that again.

LELIA
13Is that all, then?

ISABELLA
14Listen a moment.

LELIA
15What now?

ISABELLA
16Is there anyone out there who can see us?

LELIA
17I can’t see a soul.

SIFTER
18What the hell is she after?

STOKE
19A bit over-familiar, I’d say.

SIFTER
20Let’s see.

ISABELLA
21Here a moment.

SIFTER
22They’re getting a bit close to each other.

STOKE
23So they are. I wonder....

ISABELLA
24You know, I wish....

LELIA
25What do you wish?

ISABELLA
26I wish... Come nearer.

STOKE
27Go on, nearer, you great bumpkin!

ISABELLA
28See if there’s anyone there.

LELIA
29I told you, there’s nobody.

ISABELLA
30I wish you could come back after dinner, when my father has gone out.

LELIA
31All right, I will: but when my master passes by here, you must run indoors and shut the window in his face.

ISABELLA
32If I don’t do just that, never love me more.

STOKE
33Here, where’s she putting her hand?

SIFTER
34 (gleefully)Well poor old Flamminio! I told him, didn’t I? I must have second sight.

LELIA
35Good-bye.

ISABELLA
36Wait, must you go?

STOKE
37Kiss her, pox rot you!

SIFTER
38He’s afraid someone will see.

LELIA
39Shouldn’t you get back indoors now?

ISABELLA
40Please, I want a favour from you.

LELIA
41What?

ISABELLA
42Step inside the door a moment.

STOKE
43They’re off!

ISABELLA
44You’re very shy.

LELIA
45Someone will see us.

(Isabella kisses ‘Fabio’.)

SIFTER
46Hey, hey, hey hey! Holy smoke! How about one for me, now?

STOKE
47I told you he’d kiss her.

SIFTER
48And I’m telling you I’d rather have seen that kiss, with you as witness, than earn a hundred crowns.

STOKE
49I saw it, all right! I wish I’d felt it too.

SIFTER
50Now what is the boss going to do when he finds out?

STOKE
51Bloody hell! You’re not going to tell him?

ISABELLA
52Forgive me. You’re too handsome, and I love you too much, so I’ve done what I shouldn’t, and perhaps now you’ll despise me. But God knows I couldn’t hold back any longer.

LELIA
53You need not explain yourself to me, my lady; I know how it is with me too, and how much I have been led to do by too much love.

ISABELLA
54What have you done?

LELIA
55What? Oh... I have deceived my master, and it is not right.

ISABELLA
56To hell with your master!

SIFTER
57And that’s what you get for trusting a tart! It serves him right. No wonder the snooty little fop was trying to persuade him to give her up.

STOKE
58The Lord helps those who help themselves — and he’s helping himself with a vengeance! They’re all the same, these women, when you get down to it.

LELIA
59It’s late, and I have to find my master. God be with you.

ISABELLA
60Wait.

(Another kiss.)

SIFTER
61Wheeee! And one for luck! You wait, my pretty boy, it won’t taste so nice in an hour or two!

STOKE
62 (adjusting his dress)Jesus Christ, I’ve grown an extra leg!

LELIA
63Lock the door, now. Good-bye.

ISABELLA
64Do what you like with me!

LELIA
65I’m all yours. (Isabella goes in and shuts the door.) 0066I don’t know what I’m going to do. On the one hand I’m having the time of my life, bamboozling that silly wench into thinking I’m a man; on the other hand, I’m getting into a mess, and I don’t know how to get out of it. She’s got as far as kissing now, and she’ll try to go further when she gets the chance; and that will expose my weak point, and the whole trick will fall apart. I must get to Clemenzia and ask her what I ought to do next. But there’s Flamminio coming.

(She withdraws to wait for him.)

SIFTER
67Listen, Stoke, the boss said he’d wait for me at the Porrini Exchange. I’m going to give him this piece of good news. If he doesn’t believe me, you must back me up and say I’m not a liar.

STOKE
68All right, I owe you a favour. But if I were you, I’d keep quiet about it. You’ll have it as a hold over Fabio, and he’ll have to let you do whatever you want.

SIFTER
69No, you’ve got it all wrong. I can’t stand the bastard, he’s ruined me with the boss.

STOKE
70Do as you like then.

(Exeunt into town.)

Scene 7

FLAMMINIO; LELIA as Fabio

FLAMMINIO
1Is it possible, though, that I have so little control and so little self-respect that I insist on loving that woman against her will? Dancing attendance on someone who torments me, who ignores me, who won’t even favour me with a glance? Am I so soft and spiritless that I cannot rid myself of this shame and this suffering? But there is Fabio. Well, what have you managed to achieve?

LELIA
2Nothing.

FLAMMINIO
3Why did you take so long? You’re getting to be as bad as those other layabouts.

LELIA
4I had to wait around to try and speak to Isabella.

FLAMMINIO
5Then why didn’t you speak to her?

LELIA
6Because she wouldn’t listen. And if you were to take my advice, you’d cut your losses and turn your mind elsewhere; because, from what I’ve been able to gather so far, you are wasting your time. She is determined not to do a single thing that you want.

FLAMMINIO
7I won’t give in, I don’t care who says so! Do you know, I was passing by there just now, and the moment she saw me she leapt up from the window with such fury and contempt that you’d think she’d seen something horrible or frightening.

LELIA
8Let her go, I tell you. Is it possible that in all this city there can be no one who deserves your love as well as she does? Have you never loved anyone else?

FLAMMINIO
9If only I had not! I’m afraid that this might be the cause of all my troubles. Because I told you, I was very much in love once before with that girl Lelia, Virginio Bellenzini’s daughter. I’m afraid that Isabella suspects that this affair is still going on, and that’s why she won’t look at me. But I shall make it clear that I don’t love Lelia any longer — I hate her, in fact, I can’t bear to hear her mentioned. I’ll make any promise Isabella wants never to go near her again. You can go and tell her so.

LELIA
10Aaaah!

FLAMMINIO
11What’s the matter? You look as if you’re going to faint. What is it?

LELIA
12Ahi!

FLAMMINIO
13Where does it hurt?

LELIA
14Ahi! My heart!

FLAMMINIO
15How long have you been feeling it? Lean on me a moment. Have you hurt yourself somewhere?

LELIA
16No, sir.

FLAMMINIO
17Does your stomach feel weak?

LELIA
18No sir, I said it’s my heart that hurts.

FLAMMINIO
19So does mine, my poor boy, even more! You’re quite pale. Go straight home, get a warm cloth put against your chest, and have yourself rubbed down: that’s probably all you need. I’ll be there quite soon, and if it’s necessary I’ll get a doctor to come and feel your pulse and see what’s wrong. Give me your arm a moment. You’re frozen. Go along now, and take it easy. (Lelia begins to go.)What a strange thing to happen! I wouldn’t want to lose this lad, not for anything in the world. I’ve never known a servant as capable or so well-bred; and what is more, he seems so attached to me that if he were a woman I’d think he was in love with me. — Fabio, go on home, I tell you, and get yourself warm. I’ll be there soon. Tell them to get the meal ready.

(Exit)

LELIA
20Now you’ve heard, haven’t you, heard with your own ears, from his own ungrateful mouth, how much Flamminio loves you! Poor Lelia, miserable Lelia! Why do you still waste time adoring this unfeeling beast? Your patience has been of no use, nor have your prayers, nor have the favours you have shown him; and now trickery is of no use either. Look at me now! Refused, rejected, avoided, hated! Why do I seek out a man who refuses me? Why do I offer myself to a man who rejects me? Why do I seek out a man who avoids me? Why do I love a man who detests me? Flamminio! You only have eyes for Isabella. He only wants Isabella. He can have her then, he can keep her; I shall give him up, or else die. I am resolved, since he hates me so much, never to serve him again in these clothes, and never to appear in his sight. I shall go and find Clemenzia, I know she’s waiting in her house; and I’ll let her decide what is to become of me.

(Exit to Clemenzia's house.)

Scene 8

SIFTER; FLAMMINIO

SIFTER
1If I’m not telling you the truth, you can cut my tongue out, you can have me hanged if you like. I swear to you, that was how it was!

FLAMMINIO
2How long ago?

SIFTER
3When you sent me to look for him.

FLAMMINIO
4Now tell me the whole thing again from the beginning, because he says he wasn’t even allowed to speak to her.

SIFTER
5Well he’s not going to admit it, is he? I’ve told you: I was spying to see if he was hanging round her house, and I saw him come out of it. He was just about to leave, and Isabella called him back in again. They looked to see if there was anyone outside who could see them, didn’t see anybody, and started kissing each other.

FLAMMINIO
6How was it they didn’t see you?

SIFTER
7I’d slipped back into that porch opposite. They couldn’t see me.

FLAMMINIO
8How could you see, then?

SIFTER
9With my eyes. What do you think I saw them with, my elbows?

FLAMMINIO
10And you say he kissed her?

SIFTER
11I don’t know if she kissed him or he kissed her, but I reckon one of them kissed the other.

FLAMMINIO
12Were their faces close enough for them to kiss each other?

SIFTER
13I don’t know about their faces. Their lips were.

FLAMMINIO
14What does that mean? Could they put their lips close to each other without their faces?

SIFTER
15Well, I suppose they could if their mouths were in their ears or their necks, but otherwise... no.

FLAMMINIO
16You’d better be sure of what you saw. Don’t come later saying ‘Well, I think I saw them....’ This is a really big matter, you know.

SIFTER
17I’ve seen bigger things. There’s that giant that rings the bell on the tower in Siena....

FLAMMINIO
18How did you see them?

SIFTER
19By being awake, with my eyes open, hanging around to see and with nothing to do but look.

FLAMMINIO
20If it’s true, you’ve been the death of me.

SIFTER
21It is true. She called him, she stepped close to him, she hugged him, she kissed him. So if you want to die, then die.

FLAMMINIO
22No wonder the traitor said he’d never been inside! Now I know why the little filth kept urging me to leave her: so he could enjoy her himself. By God, if I’m any sort of a man, I’ll make such an example of him that no servant will cheat his master again as long as this town stands! But I’m not going to believe you until there’s some other proof. You’re a bad lot yourself, and you’ve got it in for Fabio – you’d do this to make me get rid of him. But by the holy God above, I’ll get the truth out of you or kill you. Come on, now! You really saw this?

SIFTER
23Yes sir.

FLAMMINIO
24He kissed her?

SIFTER
25They kissed each other.

FLAMMINIO
26How many times?

SIFTER
27Twice.

FLAMMINIO
28Where?

SIFTER
29In her hallway.

FLAMMINIO
30You’re lying in your teeth. Just now you said in the doorway.

SIFTER
31I meant near the doorway.

FLAMMINIO
32Tell the truth!

SIFTER
33Ahi, ahi! I wish I hadn’t told you anything!

FLAMMINIO
34Was it the truth?

SIFTER
35Yes sir. But I forgot, there was a witness.

FLAMMINIO
36Who was that?

SIFTER
37Stoke, Virginio’s servant.

FLAMMINIO
38Did he see all this too?

SIFTER
39Just like I did.

FLAMMINIO
40And suppose he won’t admit it?

SIFTER
41Then you can kill me.

FLAMMINIO
42I shall.

SIFTER
43And if he does admit it?

FLAMMINIO
44Then I’ll kill both....

SIFTER
45No! Why?

FLAMMINIO
46I don’t mean you two — Isabella and Fabio.

SIFTER
47And burn the whole house down, with Pasquella and the rest inside!

FLAMMINIO
48We’ll go and find Stoke. If I don’t pay him out.... I won’t have it said.... the whole town will see if I.... I’ll have such a revenge! The traitor! That’s what comes of trusting....

(Exeunt)
End of Act II

ACT III

(Towards noon)

Scene 1

FABRIZIO, Virginio’s young son (the image of Lelia); MASTER PETER, his tutor; SQUINT, their servant

MASTER PETER
1This city seems completely altered since I was here last. Mind you, I was only passing through with the legation from Ancona, and we stayed at the Guicciardini Inn. But we did stay for about a week. Do you recognize any part of it, Fabrizio?

FABRIZIO
2I might just as well never have set foot here.

MASTER PETER
3Well, of course, you were so little when you left, it’s not surprising, is it? But I think I do recognize this street. That’s the Rangoni palace; this is where the great canal goes underneath; and look, there’s the Cathedral at the end. See? And you know they call their Town Hall the Mayory — so there’s that saying about a person who thinks a lot of himself, ‘He thinks he’s the Hairy Mayory of Modena’.

FABRIZIO
4Of course. Is it here?

MASTER PETER
5Take a look up there, on the Cathedral.

FABRIZIO
6Is that the Hairy Mayory?

MASTER PETER
7That’s right.

FABRIZIO
8But it’s a joke!

MASTER PETER
9Well, there you are then.

FABRIZIO
10What’s that other saying — ‘taking the bear to Modena’, for going on a wild goose chase? What does that mean? What bear is it?

MASTER PETER
11Those are venerable proverbs de quibus nescitur origo — of which the origin is not known.

FABRIZIO
12Do you know, Master Peter, there’s something about this city which agrees with me.

SQUINT
13And there’s something that agrees with me, too. I can smell some meat roasting somewhere, that’s making my mouth water.

MASTER PETER
14 (ignoring Squint)Well, what did my old teacher Cantalicius say? ‘Dulcis amor patriae’ — sweet is the love of one’s own homeland. And Cato too: ‘Pugna pro patria’ — fight for your country. Hic, haec, hoc. When all is said and done, there’s nothing sweeter than home.

SQUINT
15Oh yes there is, teacher — Trebbiano wine. And I could do with a flagon of it right now. I’m getting a dropped shoulder carrying this trunk.

MASTER PETER
16These streets must be newly paved. When I was here last, they were all filthy and muddy.

SQUINT
17Are we going to stand around here and count the bricks? It’ll take some time. How about shifting ourselves, double quick, to somewhere where we can have some dinner?

MASTER PETER
18 (primly)Iamdudum animus est in patinis — his soul is already among the saucepans.

FABRIZIO
19What’s that coat of arms with those gimlets on?

MASTER PETER
20That’s the badge of the Commune, they call it the Screw. Just as in Florence they use the Marzocco lion as their rallying cry, and in Venice they rally to St. Mark, and in Siena to the emblem of the she-wolf, here in Modena they rally round the Screw.

SQUINT
21I’d rather we started thinking about rallying round the Stew.

FABRIZIO
22I know that one: it’s the arms of the Duke.

SQUINT
23Hey teacher, it’s your turn to carry the luggage. I’m so parched I can hardly talk.

MASTER PETER
24Don’t worry, you'll get your drink soon enough.

SQUINT
25When I’m dead, which won’t be long at this rate, you’ll be able to boil an egg in my gurgling guts.

FABRIZIO
26Well anyway, judging by first impressions, I really like this city. How about you, Squint?

SQUINT
27Oh yes, master, it’s just like being in Paradise among the angels — nobody ever seems to need food and drink. Come on, now! Don’t let’s waste any more time sight-seeing, there’ll be plenty of chances for that later.

MASTER PETER
28The Cathedral here has the most superb bell-tower you could possibly find in the compass of this world.

SQUINT
29Is that the one the citizens wanted to make a cover for, a sort of sheath? The one that's supposed to turn you mad if you stand in its shadow?

MASTER PETER
30That is correct.

SQUINT
31In that case, I’m not setting foot outside the kitchen. You can go and see it, if you're that daft. Now let’s find somewhere to stay.

MASTER PETER
32You’re in a great hurry!

SQUINT
33Poxing hell, I’m dying of hunger! All I’ve eaten today was a half chicken that someone left in the river boat.

FABRIZIO
34Should we ask somebody to show us where my father’s house is?

MASTER PETER
35No. I think we should find accommodation at a hostelry first, settle down, and then try and trace him at our leisure.

FABRIZIO
36As you wish. This must be where the inns are.

Scene 2

FABRIZIO; MASTER PETER; SQUINT; two innkeepers, EASY and WHISK

EASY
1Well now, gentlemen! If you’re looking for lodging, here is the very place! At the sign of the Looking Glass!

WHISK
2Welcome back to Modena! You’ve stayed with me before, haven't you? Don’t you remember your old friend Whisk, at your service as always? Come along in, gentlemen, all travellers of your standing lodge here.

EASY
3Why not come and lodge with me? I can offer good rooms, a good fire, excellent beds and fresh linen. You’ll not go short of anything you’ve got....

SQUINT
4I should hope not!

EASY
5Er... that is, of anything you want.

WHISK
6I can give you the best wine in Lombardy, nice plump partridges, good solid salami, pigeons, chickens and whatever else you ask for — you'll be able to feast yourselves.

SQUINT
7That’s what I’m after!

MASTER PETER
8 (to Easy)And what do you say?

EASY
9I can give you calves’ sweetbreads, mortadella, fine mountain wine — all the choicest, most delicate fare there is.

WHISK
10If you come to me, you’ll get less delicacy and more food. I’ll feast you like lords, and leave you to set a fair price. If you go to the Looking Glass, he’ll charge you separately for every candle you use. It’s up to you.

SQUINT
11 (to Fabrizio)Let’s go here, boss, it’s better.

EASY
12Come to me, if you want proper treatment. Do you want people to know that you’re lodging at the sign of the Fool’s Cap?

WHISK
13My Fool’s Cap is a hundred times better than your Mirror!

MASTER PETER
14Speculum Prudentiae significat: ‘Nosce teipsum’. Do you follow me, Fabrizio?

FABRIZIO
15Yes: ‘The mirror of Prudence teaches us to know ourselves’.

WHISK
16 (to Easy)Who gets the most custom — you or me?

EASY
17But who gets the best custom, the people of quality?

WHISK
18Where are they fed better?

EASY
19Where are they nourished more delicately?

SQUINT
20What’s all this ‘delicate’ rubbish all the time? What I want is more food for my belly, and less of this ‘delicate’ stuff. All this finicky eating is for ruddy Florentines.

EASY
21Indeed, sir, the Florentine travellers always stay with me.

WHISK
22They used to, you mean. For the last three years they’ve been coming to me instead.

EASY
23 (to Squint)Come now, my good man, why don't you put that trunk down in here? It must be breaking your back.

SQUINT
24Don’t worry about me. I’m not resting my back until I can be sure of my belly.

WHISK
25Would a pair of capons suit you? (Calls inside)Bring them out! These can be just for you.

SQUINT
26No, really? Well, perhaps just for starters.

EASY
27Look at the colour of this ham, gentlemen, it’s like crimson silk!

MASTER PETER
28 (acting the conoisseur)Not bad at all.

WHISK
29Who’s the expert on wine?

SQUINT
30I am — better than any Frenchman.

WHISK
31Taste this, and see if it appeals to you. If not, I can offer you a dozen others.

SQUINT
32Whisk, my old mate, I like your style. That other fellow sets you up to drink before he even knows which wine is right for you. (Tastes the wine)Oh boss, it’s great! (To Whisk)Here you are, in with the trunk.

(He moves towards the Fool’s Cap.)

MASTER PETER
33Not quite so hasty. (To Easy)What have you to say?

EASY
34I say that gentlemen of quality do not wish simply to eat as much as they can. They eat modestly, and choose only the best.

SQUINT
35He sounds as if he’s running a workhouse, or a hospital.

MASTER PETER
36 (To Easy)I like your words, friend. What can you offer us?

EASY
37Anything you choose.

WHISK
38I’m surprised at you gentlemen. When the supply is plentiful, a man can eat as little or as much as he likes: if there is only a little to start with, he hasn’t got the same choice. And then, once you have started, your appetite often turns out to be greater than you thought, and you need to fill up the corners with bread.

SQUINT
39Impeccable logic! Spoken like a judge! I never saw a man who understood me so well. Whisk, you and me are blood brothers.

WHISK
40Just step into the kitchen then, brother, and have a look round.

MASTER PETER
41Omnis repletio mala, panis autem pessima — All satiety is harmful, but that of bread is worst.

SQUINT
42Pedantic poof! I’ll knock your teeth in one day, if I live long enough.

(He goes into the kitchen of the Fool’s Cap.)

EASY
43Why not come inside, gentlemen? It’s not wise to stand about in the cold.

FABRIZIO
44Oh come now, we’re not such easy freezers as that.

WHISK
45I must tell you gentlemen that the Looking Glass Inn used to be the best house in Lombardy. But since I opened up under the sign of the Fool’s Cap, he doesn’t get more than a dozen clients a year, and my sign is now more famous throughout the world than any other inn you can name. The French come here in droves, and the Germans too, to a man.

EASY
46That’s a lie: all Germans lodge at the sign of the Pig-Sty.

WHISK
47I get all the trade from Milan, from Parma, from Piacenza....

EASY
48And I get all the trade from Venice, from Genoa, from Florence....

MASTER PETER
49Where do the Neapolitans lodge?

WHISK
50With me.

EASY
51Rubbish. Most of them go to the Bed of Venus.

WHISK
52There’s still plenty who come to me.

FABRIZIO
53Where does the Duke of Amalfi lodge?

EASY
54Sometimes at my place, sometimes at his; sometimes at the sign of the Sword, and sometimes at the Bed of Venus. Just as his lordship pleases.

MASTER PETER
55We come from Rome: where do the Romans stay?

EASY
56They come to me.

WHISK
57That’s a lie. You won’t find a single one there from one year’s end to the next. Or rather, it’s true that some of the older Cardinals still go there out of habit; but all the newer ones head straight for the Fool’s Cap.

SQUINT
58 (emerging)I’m not stirring out of here, not even if you carry me. These two can go where they like. Boss, you should see inside the kitchen. (Rhapsodical)There’s loads of pots all round the fire, full of everything you can think of: soups and sauces and gravies, and there’s spits full of partridges and thrushes and pigeons, roast kid, capon boiled, roast and stewed, marinades, pastries, pies — you’d think they were expecting a second Carnival, or the Pope’s whole household for the night.

WHISK
59Have you had a drink yet?

SQUINT
60And the wines, boss, the wines...!

MASTER PETER
61Variorum ciborum commistio pessimam generat digestionem — A mixture of various commestibles causes gross indigestion.

SQUINT
62 (furious)Horum scorum cretinorum fetchat cloutat lug-holibus! What a wet bloody blanket you are! The pox rot you, and all the rest of you schoolmasters! You’re about as cheerful as the municipal hangman. Come on, boss, let’s go inside.

FABRIZIO
63Where do the Spaniards lodge?

WHISK
64I don’t get mixed up with that lot. They can stay where they belong, at the sign of the Fiddle. But we don’t need to chatter any longer. There isn’t a traveller on the road who doesn’t rest under this sign here. Except the folk from Siena, of course, who count as honorary citizens of Modena, and have a dozen friends to put them up at home the moment they arrive in town. Otherwise, lords and masters, rich and poor, soldiers and gay companions, all come running to the sign of the Fool’s Cap.

EASY
65But the learned doctors, the judges, the friars, and all virtuous men come under my sign.

WHISK
66And yet it’s surprising how, after a few days, some of those who started off at the Looking Glass change their minds, and come over to stay with me.

FABRIZIO
67What shall we do, sir?

MASTER PETER
68Etiam atque etiam cogitandum — this must be pondered again and again.

SQUINT
69 (an idea dawning)I’ve got it! Look out, stomach, here it comes. This time there’ll be no mistake....

MASTER PETER
70It seems to me, Fabrizio, that we’re on the brink of penury...

(obviously inclining towards the Looking Glass)

SQUINT
71Professor! The host over here has got a beautiful little boy, chubby as a cherub.

MASTER PETER
72 (fatally tempted, changes his mind in a split second)Well, let’s stay here. Your father will be able to pay the bill, if we find him.

SQUINT
73Hooked him just in time. It's his weakness, it never fails. Three drinks already, and look at me. I shan’t leave that kitchen till I’ve tasted everything in it, and then I’ll sleep it off by that beautiful fire. And to hell with saving for your old age!

(They enter under the sign of the Fool’s Cap.)

EASY
74You’d better watch it, Whisk. You’re being too clever for your own good. One of these days you’ll find yourself in a punch-up.

WHISK
75Whenever you like, sunshine. It can’t be too soon for me.

(Exeunt)

Scene 3

VIRGINIO; CLEMENZIA

VIRGINIO
1 (in anguished fury)Is this the way you taught her to behave? Is this the honour she does to my name? I’m the most unlucky man alive! I survive one disaster after another, and what do I find at the end of it all? I see my property without an heir! I see my household scattered, and my daughter a whore! Am I to be the laughing stock of all the riff-raff in town? Will I never hold up my head again in company? Must I be sniggered at by urchins, mocked by old men, put in plays by Sienese Academics, made an example of in stories, and have my name bandied about by every woman in Modena? They’re the biggest gossips in Italy, they’ll slaughter me with their tongues. They must all have heard by now: it only needs one to find out, and it’ll be all round the town in a couple of hours. Why did I have children? Why do I live so long, just to end with all this grief? I don’t know what to do; I don’t know which way to turn.

CLEMENZIA
2The best thing you can do is to make as little noise about it as you can, and do your best to see that she gets back home before the whole town finds out. But in any case, I’m sure that that Sister Chattery Charity wasn’t telling the truth — and I hope she chokes to death on her own lying tongue. Lelia going about in man’s clothes, indeed! Mark my words, they’re just making this all up so you’ll have to make her a nun, and leave all your property to the convent.

VIRGINIO
3What do you mean, not telling the truth? She had all the details, she even told me that Lelia’s taken service with a gentleman of this town, and that he hasn’t realized yet that she’s a woman.

CLEMENZIA
4Well, the oddest things happen, I suppose — but really, I can’t believe a word of it.

VIRGINIO
5Nor can I believe that he doesn’t know she’s a woman.

CLEMENZIA
6That wasn’t what I meant.

VIRGINIO
7It’s what I meant, though; and I’m the one who has to suffer. Though I suppose it’s my own fault, giving her to you to nurse — I knew well enough what sort of woman you are.

CLEMENZIA
8That’s enough of that, Virginio. If I’ve been something less than I should be, it was you who made me so. You know quite well that until you came along I’d never been with anyone except my husband. What I say is that you never knew how to treat a young girl like Lelia. Weren’t you ashamed at trying to marry her off to that death’s head old enough to be her grandfather?

VIRGINIO
9And what’s wrong with old men, you female thug? They’re a sight better than young ones.

CLEMENZIA
10You’re losing your grip, you know. People are beginning to spot you a mile off. No wonder they’re feeding you all sorts of tall stories, like this one....

VIRGINIO
11If I find her, I’ll drag her back home through the streets by her hair!

CLEMENZIA
12That’s right: instead of keeping your shame under your cloak, you’ll stick it up there on your forehead for all to see.

VIRGINIO
13I don’t care. Everyone is going to know in any case. I’ll wash it off again by giving her the punishment she deserves.

CLEMENZIA
14Well, do it your way, then. It won’t be your head that hurts.

VIRGINIO
15I know exactly what she’s wearing, I’ve got all the details. I’m going to keep on looking until I find her. Then she’ll get what’s coming.

CLEMENZIA
16Just as you like. I’m going, I can see I’m wasting my breath. All the same....

(Exeunt, in mid-argument.)

Scene 4

FABRIZIO; WHISK
(They emerge from the inn. Fabrizio has taken off his travel clothes, and is dressed more like ‘Fabio’.)

FABRIZIO
1While my two men are resting, I’m going to look round the town. When they get up, tell them to come in the direction of the main square.

WHISK
2You know, young master, if I hadn’t actually seen you put those clothes on, I would have sworn you were a lad from this town — a gentleman’s servant, who wears white like you are now, and is the spitting image of you.

FABRIZIO
3 (joking)He must be a long lost brother of mine!

WHISK
4Could be indeed, sir.

FABRIZIO
5Can you tell my tutor to start looking around for the man we’ve come to see?

WHISK
6Leave it to me, sir.

(He goes back inside.)

Scene 5

PASQUELLA; FABRIZIO

PASQUELLA
1Bless me, there he is. I was afraid I’d have to tramp all round the town before I found him. Fabio! Thank goodness you’re here. I was coming to look for you, and you’ve saved me the trouble. Listen, sweetie, my mistress says can you come and see her now about something very important to you both. I can’t think what it can be.

FABRIZIO
2Who is your mistress?

PASQUELLA
3As if you don’t know. I must say it was a stroke of luck coming across you like this.

FABRIZIO
4I’ve not ‘come across’ anyone here yet: but if she’ll come across for me, I’ll come across her.

PASQUELLA
5There’s no spunk in either of you. I wish I was young again and had your chance to make a meal of things. If I were in your shoes, I’d have done with all your suspicions and scruples long ago. But you’ll make it in the end.

FABRIZIO
6I think your ladyship has got the wrong end of the stick. Run along, will you? You’ve mistaken me for someone else.

PASQUELLA
7Come on, Fabio my love, don’t go all offended. I’m only trying to help you along.

FABRIZIO
8I’m not offended at anything — but that’s not my name, so I can’t be who you think.

PASQUELLA
9Oh, do as you like then, the pair of you. But do you know what, sonny? There are very few to compare with her in this town, either for looks or for money. And I just wish you’d both stop dithering and get down to business: because the more I have to go chasing back and forth every day, bringing messages and taking answers, the more people are going to talk. And that won’t help either your pleasure or her reputation.

FABRIZIO
10(apart)What’s all this story, then? I can’t make it out. Either she’s off her head, or she’s got the wrong man. All the same, I’d like to see where it all leads. (To Pasquella)Let’s go, then.

PASQUELLA
11 (at the door of Gherardo’s house)Wait! I think there’s someone inside. Wait around for a minute, and I’ll see if Isabella is on her own. If there’s no one, I’ll wave you to come in.

(She goes inside.)

FABRIZIO
12I’m going to see how this fairy-tale is supposed to end. Perhaps she works for some fancy whore, and thinks she’s going to wheedle a pile of ducats out of me. If that’s so, she's got a shock coming — after my apprenticeship with the Spaniards, so to speak, I’m more likely to charge her five than pay her three. One of us is going to wind up the loser, that’s for sure. I’ll stand away from the house a bit, and watch who comes in and out, to see what type of woman she is.

Scene 6

GHERARDO; VIRGINIO; [two ServantsNXNota del traductor

"Servants"

two Servants: These are not mentioned in the stage direction. But someone (in the plural) will be asked to guard Fabrizio in Scene 7. It makes most sense that those people should be Pluck and Stoke.

— PLUCK and STOKE?]; PASQUELLA reappearing later on the doorstep

GHERARDO
1No thank you very much. If that’s the way things are, you can keep her. If your daughter has done a thing like that, then the very least I can think is that she did it because she doesn’t want me. But it’s more likely that she’s already taken someone else.

VIRGINIO
2But it’s not true, Gherardo. Don’t you think I would have told you? Please don’t spoil everything we’ve arranged.

GHERARDO
3I’d ask you not to mention it again.

VIRGINIO
4Aren’t you going to honour our bargain?

GHERARDO
5Not if you’re supplying shop-soiled goods. In any case, you don’t even know if you’ll get her back: you’re trying to sell the bird while it’s still on the bush. I heard it all, when you were talking to Clemenzia — everything.

VIRGINIO
6All right: if I don’t find her again, I won’t insist. But if I do find her, won’t you agree to a wedding straight away?

GHERARDO
7Virginio, my first wife was the most respected lady in this whole city, and my daughter is as pure as a lamb. Do you think I’m going to bring into such a household a girl who has run away from her father, and who is going round other people’s houses dressed as a man, like some unmentionable trollop? Can’t you see that once I did that, I’d never find a husband for Isabella?

VIRGINIO
8It’ll all blow over after a few days. It’s not as bad as you think. No one knows about it except you and I.

GHERARDO
9And before you can turn round, the whole town will know too.

VIRGINIO
10That’s not true.

GHERARDO
11 (wavering slightly)How long is it since she disappeared?

VIRGINIO
12Only yesterday or this morning.

GHERARDO
13I hope you’re right. But are you sure she’s still in Modena?

VIRGINIO
14I know it.

GHERARDO
15Well, find her, and we’ll talk about it again.

VIRGINIO
16Do you promise you’ll have her?

GHERARDO
17I’ll see.

VIRGINIO
18Give me your word now....

GHERARDO
19Not now, but....

VIRGINIO
20Please, Gherardo! Now, in all sincerity....

GHERARDO
21Not so hasty! Pasquella, what are you doing there? Where’s Isabella?

PASQUELLA
22She’s praying to her little altar, as usual.

GHERARDO
23The blessed angel! What a consolation to have a daughter who’s always on her knees! She’s an absolute treasure.

PASQUELLA
24Oh you’re so right! You wouldn’t believe how she fasts and stays awake all night, like a little saint. Her hands are never away from her beads.

GHERARDO
25Just like her poor dear mother, may she rest in Paradise!

PASQUELLA
26It’s the gospel truth. When I think of the good works that poor lady did.... She used to flagellate herself more, and wear more hairy shirts, than any woman I've ever known. And so charitable to others! If it had been up to her, she’d have taken in every passing friar, every priest, every wandering beggar who came to the door, and given them all she’d got. It was only her respect for your property, sir, that held her back.

VIRGINIO
27She had remarkable qualities.

PASQUELLA
28Do you know, she used to get up one hour, even two hours before dawn, to go and hear the early mass along with the friars at St. Francis’. She went by night so as not to attract attention, so she wouldn’t be thought a hippogriff, like some sanctimonious show-offs I could mention.

GHERARDO
29What do you mean, a ‘hippogriff’?

VIRGINIO
30I’ve never heard that word before.

PASQUELLA
31I’m sure that’s what she used to say.

GHERARDO
32You mean ‘hypocrite’, don’t you?

PASQUELLA
33Maybe that’s it. But she’ll be outdone by her daughter, you mark my words.

GHERARDO
34Let us pray that she will.

(At this point Virginio catches sight of Fabrizio, to whom Pasquella may have been signalling meanwhile.)

VIRGINIO
35Ssssst! Gherardo! Gherardo! Over there... it’s her... the, er, woman we were talking about before! Oh the shame of it! She’s seen me, and she doesn’t even try to hid or run away. Let’s get her.

GHERARDO
36Are you sure you aren’t mistaken? Perhaps it isn’t her after all.

VIRGINIO
37Of course it’s her! She’s dressed just as sister Chattery said she would be.

PASQUELLA
38This is going all wrong. I think I’m for it.

(She goes inside.)

Scene 7

GHERARDO; VIRGINIO; FABRIZIO; [two servants]

VIRGINIO
1Well good day to you, my young miss! Is this your idea of suitable clothing? A real credit to the family, aren’t you? A real consolation and support to your poor old father! I wish I’d dropped dead the moment I conceived you, rather than see you born to bury me alive under such shame. What do you think, eh, Gherardo? What do you think of your bride? A fine spectacle, isn’t she?

GHERARDO
2Not so fast with the ‘bride’ — I haven’t said....

VIRGINIO
3You wicked little slut! It would serve you right if this gentleman were to refuse you now, and break off the match. But he’s being generous enough to overlook your insane behaviour, and he’ll marry you just the same.

GHERARDO
4Now wait a minute!

VIRGINIO
5Get home this minute, you wretch! I wish I’d never got you, nor your mother ever nourished you, if this is what it was to lead to.

FABRIZIO
6Tell me, old gentleman, haven’t you any sons, or relatives, or friends in this town who ought to be looking after you?

VIRGINIO
7Look how she answers me back! What are you talking about?

FABRIZIO
8Because, seeing that you so obviously need the attentions of a doctor, I’m surprised they let you out of the house. Anywhere else they’d keep you locked up.

VIRGINIO
9I should have locked you up long ago, hussy, and skinned you alive into the bargain. Bring me a knife, someone — I’ll do it now!

FABRIZIO
10Old man, you clearly don’t know me very well, and perhaps you think you can abuse me as you like because I’m a foreigner. But as it happens I’m from Modena myself, and my father is as good a man and as well born as you are.

GHERARDO
11 (to himself)She’s pretty, at least. If she hasn’t gone too far, I might decide to have her after all.

VIRGINIO
12And just why did you run away from this father of yours, and from the place where I had lodged you?

FABRIZIO
13I can’t remember you ever lodging me anywhere. As for leaving my father, I had no choice.

VIRGINIO
14Oh, really? And who forced you?

FABRIZIO
15The Spanish soldiers.

VIRGINIO
16 (blenching)And where have you come from now?

FABRIZIO
17From their camp.

VIRGINIO
18From the soldiers’ camp?

FABRIZIO
19That’s right.

GHERARDO
20The whole thing is off.

VIRGINIO
21Then damn you to hell!

FABRIZIO
22Your words on your own head!

VIRGINIO
23Gherardo, please, let’s get her into your house, so nobody sees her like this.

GHERARDO
24Not me. Take her to your own house.

VIRGINIO
25For the sake of our friendship, open up the door.

GHERARDO
26No, I tell you.

VIRGINIO
27Listen here a moment. And you two (to the servants)make sure she doesn’t go away.

(He takes Gherardo aside, to confer with him.)

FABRIZIO
28 (to audience)I’ve known plenty of people from Modena, and they were all a bit cracked; but I’ve never seen anyone as mad as this old fool, who wasn’t locked up and chained to the wall. And the queer way it takes him! As far as I can see, his madness makes him mistake young men for women. It’s even better than Molza’s story of the Sienese woman, whose head was so empty she thought it was a sponge — because when all is said and done, women aren’t supposed to have much sense to start with, whereas old men ought by rights to have picked up some wisdom. I shall be able to dine out on this story when Carnival comes round again. They’re coming back. Let’s see what they’ve got to say.

GHERARDO
29 (returning)To tell you the honest truth, I’m still very much in two minds. Let’s find out exactly what she has done and what she hasn’t.

VIRGINIO
30 (to Fabrizio)Come here.

FABRIZIO
31What can I do for you, old man?

VIRGINIO
32You’re a sordid wretch.

FABRIZIO
33Watch your tongue. I’m not going to put up with insults.

VIRGINIO
34You brazen minx!

(He lays hands on Fabrizio, who reacts violently in his turn. Gherardo and the servants intervene.)

FABRIZIO
35Hey, hey, hey!

GHERARDO
36 (to Fabrizio)Don’t be so touchy, now! Can’t you see he's just lost his temper? Humour him a little.

FABRIZIO
37What does he want with me? What have I got to do with him, or with you?

VIRGINIO
38Have you still got the impudence to answer me? Whose child do you think you are?

FABRIZIO
39Virginio Bellenzini’s.

VIRGINIO
40And I wish to God you weren’t. You’re sending me to an early grave.

FABRIZIO
41An early grave, at your age? You’re lucky to have lived so long. You can call it a day whenever you like, as far as I’m concerned: you seem to have outstayed your welcome.

VIRGINIO
42Only because of you, you trollop!

GHERARDO
43Words like that don’t solve anything. Come now, my fine young miss, that’s not the way to address your father.

FABRIZIO
44They’re breeding like rabbits! Two of them now, with exactly the same disease. This is getting ridiculous.

VIRGINIO
45Laughing now, are you?

GHERARDO
46It’s not a good sign, you know, to be mocking your father.

FABRIZIO
47What have ‘father’ or ‘mother’ got to do with it? My father was Virginio, my mother was Giovanna, and that’s all the parents I ever had. You must be off your head! Do you think I’m completely alone in this town, with no friends to fall back on?

GHERARDO
48Virginio, do you know what I’m beginning to think? That perhaps this poor young lady’s brains have been disturbed by too much brooding.

VIRGINIO
49 (almost eagerly)I’m afraid you’re right. I thought there was something odd right from the start, from the way she shrugged me off like that.

GHERARDO
50 (retreating)Ah, but that could have a different explanation.

VIRGINIO
51What do you mean?

GHERARDO
52Once a woman has lost her virtue, there’s nothing left to restrain her.

VIRGINIO
53I think it’s more likely that her wits are a bit deranged.

GHERARDO
54The odd thing is that she knows her parents’ names, but doesn’t recognize you face to face.

VIRGINIO
55Let’s get her inside your house, since it’s close at hand. I couldn’t get her all the way back home without the whole town seeing us.

FABRIZIO
56 (emerging from some unspecified business with the servants)What are those two drooling old Methuselahs up to?

VIRGINIO
57Let’s humour her gently until we get her inside the house; then we can grab her, and shut her in with your daughter.

GHERARDO
58Right, that’s the plan then.

(They both adopt wheedling attitudes.)

VIRGINIO
59Come along then, my treasure! I can’t stay angry with you for long. I’ll forgive and forget everything, as long as you behave decently in future.

FABRIZIO
60Thank you very much.

GHERARDO
61That’s a good girl, then.

FABRIZIO
62Here comes the second clown, right on cue.

GHERARDO
63Well now! It won’t do you any good to stand around chatting dressed like that. Come along inside, now. Pasquella! Open up, please.

VIRGINIO
64Come inside now, daughter.

FABRIZIO
65I would prefer not to.

GHERARDO
66Why not?

FABRIZIO
67I would rather not enter the house of a man whom I do not know.

GHERARDO
68 (ironic)Well now, what a fine sense of womanly modesty!

VIRGINIO
69Didn’t I say she was virtuous, as well as beautiful?

GHERARDO
70Yes — she dresses with such restraint, too!

VIRGINIO
71 (to Fabrizio)I only want a little word with you.

FABRIZIO
72Say it out here.

GHERARDO
73Come now, this isn’t proper. This is not a stranger’s house, it’s your house too, since you’re going to be my wife.

FABRIZIO
74Your wife? Why, you dirty old bu... buffer!

GHERARDO
75Your father has made all the arrangements.

FABRIZIO
76Do you think I’m some rotten little queen who lets just anybody...?

VIRGINIO
77Come now, forget it. Don’t let’s make her angry. Listen, my angel: I shan’t make you do anything you don’t want.

FABRIZIO
78Listen, old fellow, you’ve got the wrong idea about me.

VIRGINIO
79Let’s have a word about it — indoors.

FABRIZIO
80Well, why not? A dozen words, if you like. After all, why should I be afraid of you?

(Fabrizio goes into Gherardo’s house.)

VIRGINIO
81Gherardo, now you’ve got her in, let’s arrange to shut her in the bedroom with your daughter, until we can send for her proper clothes.

GHERARDO
82Just as you like, old friend. Pasquella! Bring the key of the downstairs bedroom, and call Isabella to come down.

(They all go in.)
End of Act III

ACT IV

Scene 1

MASTER PETER; SQUINT

MASTER PETER
1It would serve you right if he took you out and beat you black and blue! Then you would learn to stay with him and look after him when he goes out, and not to get drunk and doze off as you did, and let him wander away by himself.

SQUINT
2And he ought to take you out and cover you with pitch and brimstone, faggots and gunpowder, and set light to you! That would teach you not to be the pervert that you are.

MASTER PETER
3Drunken hog!

SQUINT
4Ped... ped... pedant!

MASTER PETER
5Wait until I tell the young master!

SQUINT
6Wait until I tell his father!

MASTER PETER
7And just what do you intend to tell his father?

SQUINT
8What will you say about me?

MASTER PETER
9That you’re a wastrel, a hooligan, a vagabond, a delinquent, a maniac, and a drunkard. Is that enough?

SQUINT
10And I’ll say that you’re a thief, a gambler, a muck-raker, a cheat, a swindler, a quack, a boaster, a bonehead, a bigmouth, an ignoramus, a double-crosser, and a filthy sodomite. Is that enough?

MASTER PETER
11So now we know.

SQUINT
12Too right we do.

MASTER PETER
13I’ve nothing more to say. It’s beneath my dignity to bandy words with the likes of you.

SQUINT
14My God yes! I was forgetting your high-class origins. The bluest blood in Fairyland! You know damn well your father was a mule-driver, you’re even more of a peasant than I am. Look at him, for God’s sake: just because he’s learned how to say ‘quia masculinus sum’, he thinks he can lord it over the lot of us.

MASTER PETER
15‘Philosophy, thou art reduced to rags.’ Who would have thought to hear the language of divine learning — lingua latina — issue from the jaws of an ass?

SQUINT
16You’ll be the ass, if you don’t change your tune — because I’ll be weighing your back down with sticks.

MASTER PETER
17Take care, Squint, there is an end to the patience even of a philosopher: furor fit laesa saepius sapientia. One day I could lose my temper. Now let me alone, you stable-scullion, lout and arch-lout!

SQUINT
18Pedant, arch-pedant, pedantextra, pedantissimo! Is there anything worse than being a pedant? Is there a worse race of scum, or a lousier occupation under the sun? They swan around with their heads swollen like bladders, just because of being called ‘Master This’ and ‘Doctor That’; and if they see a hat being taken off half a mile away, they think it’s meant for them and salute back. Oh your very humble servant, Master Bowel, Master Turd, Doctor Squitters, Master Shitface!

MASTER PETER
19Tractant fabrilia fabri. Workmen carry their own tools with them. One can see that you’re descending to your own proper level.

SQUINT
20It’s a level that always seems to interest you.

MASTER PETER
21Get out — you’re blocking my passage.

SQUINT
22You’ve never managed to ‘block my passage’, have you? Though it’s not been for want of trying.

MASTER PETER
23I’ll be....

SQUINT
24 (interrupting)And I'll C! It’s no use threatening me, sweetheart! There’s not a single piece of filth you’ve got up to that I don’t know about, and I could have you tied to a stake any time I choose. So stop trying to bugger me about.

MASTER PETER
25I have no desire to do any such thing. What do you take me for?

SQUINT
26Then I must be the first one you haven’t fancied.

MASTER PETER
27Listen, Squint, either you leave this household or I will.

SQUINT
28Come off it! How many times have you said that before? You wouldn’t leave this set-up if they rode you out on a broomstick. Where else would you find such a tasty young lad, who’ll eat with you and study with you and sleep with you like this one here?

MASTER PETER
29Heavens, as though I would be short of offers, if I chose to take them! There are people who are begging for my services!

SQUINT
30Make way for the belle of the ball! Join the queue for the next dance!

MASTER PETER
31We’d better stop this right now. Go back to the inn, and look after the master’s things. We’ll settle our accounts later.

SQUINT
32I’ll go back to the inn all right — and perhaps I’ll open an account in your name, which you’ll have to pay. (They separate.)If I didn’t give that bastard a scare from time to time, I wouldn’t be able to stand living with him. He’s as timid as a rabbit. If I stand up to him, he daren’t say a word: but if I were to let him get on top of me, he’d pin me down with the weight of his erudition. It’s a good job I know what he’s like.

(Exit.)

Scene 2

GHERARDO; VIRGINIO; MASTER PETER

GHERARDO
1As far as dowry is concerned, we’ll stick to our bargain. I’ll endow her as you please, and you add a thousand florins if your son doesn’t turn up.

VIRGINIO
2Agreed.

MASTER PETER
3If I’m not mistaken, I’ve seen that gentleman before — but I can’t think where.

VIRGINIO
4What are you staring at, my good man?

MASTER PETER
5Can it be my old master?

GHERARDO
6Let him gawp as he pleases. He’s probably a stranger here. In other towns they don’t seem to mind being stared at, and everyone’s allowed to look as he likes.

MASTER PETER
7If I am staring, sir, it is not sine causa, without good cause. Tell me, do either of you know Virginio Bellenzini, a citizen of this town?

VIRGINIO
8Yes, I know him. In fact I’m the closest friend he’s got. But what do you want with him? If you’re hoping to lodge with him, I can tell you that he has other things on his mind, and won’t have time for you, so it would be better to look elsewhere.

MASTER PETER
9But surely you yourself are the very man. Salvete, patronorum optime!

VIRGINIO
10Can you be Master Peter Hayseed, my son’s tutor?

MASTER PETER
11The very same.

VIRGINIO
12Oh my poor son! What news have you of him? Where did you leave him? Where did he die? Why have you been so long bringing the news? Did they kill him, those treacherous heathen swine? My poor son! All I had in the world! Tell me, please, quickly, my dear tutor!

MASTER PETER
13Don’t weep, master, please.

VIRGINIO
14Gherardo! Son-in-law! Here is the man who tutored my poor dear son while he was alive. Dear Master Peter! My poor, poor boy — where is he buried? Do you know? Won’t you tell me? I’m caught between longing to know and fear of hearing it spoken.

MASTER PETER
15But master, don’t cry. Why are you crying?

VIRGINIO
16Shouldn’t I weep for that sweet young boy? So quick and clever, so beautifully mannered? And those swine killed him!

MASTER PETER
17God forbid! Your son is alive and well.

GHERARDO
18(aside)That's bad news for me, if it’s true. I stand to lose a thousand florins.

VIRGINIO
19Alive and well? Can it be? But if that were true, he’d be with you now.

GHERARDO
20Virginio, do you really know this man? Might he not be some kind of swindler?

MASTER PETER
21Parcius ista viris, tamen obiicienda memento!

GHERARDO
22Eh?

MASTER PETER
23Your insinuations, sir, may recoil upon your own head.

VIRGINIO
24Come on, Master Peter, let me know something.

MASTER PETER
25During the Sack of Rome, your son was captured by a certain Captain Orteca.

GHERARDO
26Are you sitting comfortably? Here comes the fairy tale.

MASTER PETER
27And because this captain was dividing his booty with two comrades, he tried to trick them out of their share of the spoils by sending us to Siena behind their backs. But after a few days, he became perturbed: he realized that Sienese gentlemen are lovers of justice and fair dealing, that they are friends to all citizens of Modena, and above all that they are men of honour. So he feared they might take Fabrizio from him, and liberate us. Therefore, he removed us from Siena, and sent us to a castle belonging to the Prince of Piombino; and from there he made us write off over and over again — per usque millies — for the thousand ducats which he had set as ransom.

VIRGINIO
28Poor boy! At least they didn’t ill-treat him?

MASTER PETER
29Not at all, he was treated according to his station.

GHERARDO
30(aside)This looks bad for me.

MASTER PETER
31We never had any reply to the letters he made us write.

GHERARDO
32There you are! He’s getting ready to touch you for the ransom now!

VIRGINIO
33 (ignoring Gherardo)Go on.

MASTER PETER
34Well, after he had transferred us to the Spanish camp at Correggio, this captain was killed, and the court took possession of all his property and gave us our freedom.

VIRGINIO
35And where is my son?

MASTER PETER
36Closer than you think.

VIRGINIO
37He’s not actually in Modena?

MASTER PETER
38Master, if I may presume to expect the traditional reward for good news — quia omnis labor optat praemium— I shall tell you.

GHERARDO
39So that’s your game, you charlatan!

MASTER PETER
40You are in the wrong, sir. I, a charlatan? Absit!

VIRGINIO
41You can have whatever you like. Where is he?

MASTER PETER
42Here, at the inn, at the sign of the Fool’s Cap!

GHERARDO
43That’s it. I can kiss good-bye to my thousand florins. But why should I care, as long as I get the girl? I’m rich enough already.

VIRGINIO
44Come on, Master Peter, I can’t wait to see him, to hug him, to kiss him, and bounce him on my knee.

MASTER PETER
45But master, he’s grown! Quanto mutatur ab illo! He’s not a little boy any more, to sit on your knee. You won’t recognize him, he’s so tall. And I don’t think he'll recognize you, you’ve changed so much. You’re wearing that beard now, which you didn’t have before, and I’d never have known you without hearing you speak. How is mistress Lelia?

VIRGINIO
46Well, thank you. She’s filled out a bit too.

GHERARDO
47What do you mean, ‘filled out’? If that’s the way things are, you can keep her — I’m not having her in that condition!

VIRGINIO
48Calm down! All I meant was that she’s grown into a woman. Master Peter, I have not yet given you the embrace you deserve.

MASTER PETER
49Master, I don’t want to boast unduly, but the things I've done for your son... well, you’d never imagine. And he’s deserved it all, he’s been as good as gold. Always amenable, always bending to my will.

VIRGINIO
50Has he kept up with his studies?

MASTER PETER
51He’s never wasted time when circumstances permitted: per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum....

VIRGINIO
52Call him out now, and don’t say anything. I want to see if he’ll know me.

MASTER PETER
53He went out of the inn a little while ago. Let’s see if he's come back yet.

Scene 3

MASTER PETER; SQUINT; VIRGINIO; GHERARDO

MASTER PETER
1 (calls into the inn)Squint! Hey, Squint! Has Master Fabrizio come back?

SQUINT
2Not yet.

(He emerges, drunker than ever; perhaps with Whisk supporting.)

MASTER PETER
3Come here, and say a few words to the old master. This is Master Virginio.

SQUINT
4Have you cooled down yet?

MASTER PETER
5Of course. You know I can’t stay angry with you for long.

SQUINT
6Just as well.

MASTER PETER
7Now give your hand to Fabrizio's father.

SQUINT
8You give me your hand, then.

MASTER PETER
9I don’t mean me. I mean this gentleman here.

SQUINT
10Is this our young master’s father?

MASTER PETER
11That’s right.

SQUINT
12Most noble and generous master, you have arrived just in time to pay the bill. Welcome, sir.

MASTER PETER
13This man was a faithful servant to your son.

SQUINT
14What do you mean, ‘was’? I haven’t stopped being one, have I?

MASTER PETER
15No.

VIRGINIO
16God bless you, my fine lad! And be sure that those who have loyally kept him company will have their reward.

SQUINT
17Boss, there’s only one thing I want in the whole world.

VIRGINIO
18Ask, and it’s yours.

SQUINT
19Buy me a place as apprentice with the landlord of this tavern here. He’s the best drinking companion a man ever had, and the best stocked and the wisest, and understands a traveller’s needs better than any landlord I’ve ever met. This is heaven on earth, boss, I don’t want to go anywhere else.

GHERARDO
20He’s certainly got a reputation for his table.

VIRGINIO
21Have you dined today?

SQUINT
22Only a little.

VIRGINIO
23What have you had?

SQUINT
24Oh, just a brace of partridges, half a dozen thrushes, a capon, a piece of veal, and I’ve only drunk two flagons.

VIRGINIO
25Whisk, give him whatever he wants, and I’ll pay for it all.

MASTER PETER
26Well, what do you want?

SQUINT
27 (Spanish accent, miming elaborate reverences)I kees your hhandos, señoros! That’s the kind of boss for me, professor! Master Peter, you’re a mean man, you always want to keep everything for yourself. You’ve been told over and over again. Whisk! Bring these gentlemen a little drink.

MASTER PETER
28Not for me, thank you.

SQUINT
29You’ll drink it when it comes. I’m paying. (Whisk comes out with drinks and snacks.) 0030What do you think I am? Here, a few sweetbreads, a slice of sausage.... Go on, professor, drink up.

MASTER PETER
31Very well then, if it means that we’ve made peace with each other.

SQUINT
32God, that’s good stuff! And boss, you must love and cherish this schoolteacher, whose eye your son is the apple of.

VIRGINIO
33God give him all prosperity.

SQUINT
34You first, boss, and God afterwards. (To Gherardo)Another drink, your worship?

GHERARDO
35 (his mind on other matters)Never mind about me.

SQUINT
36Why don’t we all go inside, and wait for Fabrizio in the inn? And then, if supper’s ready, we could all have it here this evening.

MASTER PETER
37Yes, perhaps that would be best.

GHERARDO
38I think I shall leave you — I have things to see to at home.

VIRGINIO
39 (confidentially)You’ll make sure she doesn’t get away?

GHERARDO
40That’s just what I had in mind.

VIRGINIO
41She’s all yours, do what you like with her. I give you a free hand.

(All except Gherardo go into the inn.)

GHERARDO
42Well, I suppose one can’t expect to have everything. Never mind. But if my eyes aren’t playing me tricks, that’s Lelia herself, out in the street. That good-for-nothing maid must have let her get away.

Scene 4

LELIA as ‘Fabio’; CLEMENZIA; GHERARDO
(Lelia and Clemenzia have come out of Clemenzia’s house.)

LELIA
1It’s no use, Clemenzia. Fortune is determined to play games with me, and then leave me with nothing.

CLEMENZIA
2You set your heart at rest, and leave matters to me, and I’ll find some way of making you happy. Come in and get those clothes off: you mustn’t be seen like that any longer.

GHERARDO
3I’m going to face her and find out how she escaped. Good day to you, Clemenzia; and to you, Lelia, my fair young bride. Who let you out of the house, then? That stupid Pasquella, I’ll be bound. I’m glad to see you came straight to your nurse, but to go on walking around in those clothes does no credit either to you or to me.

LELIA
4Oh heavens, he’s recognized me! Excuse me, sir, to who were you speaking? To Lelia? I’m not Lelia.

GHERARDO
5Come now! Just now, when your father and I shut you in with my daughter Isabella, didn’t you admit you were Lelia? And do you think now that I can’t recognize my own bride? Come along, let’s get rid of these clothes.

LELIA
6The last thing I need now is a husband!

(She runs indoors.)

CLEMENZIA
7Go back home, Gherardo, my dear. All women do childish things of one sort or another. There’s not a single one of us who doesn’t kick over the traces once or twice. But it’s better to keep quiet about these things.

GHERARDO
8Nobody’s going to hear about it from me. But how did she get out of my house, when I’d locked her up with Isabella?

CLEMENZIA
9Who? Lelia?

GHERARDO
10Of course.

CLEMENZIA
11You’re making some mistake. She hasn’t been out of my sight all day. She just wanted to put on those clothes as a dressing-up game, as young girls will: she wanted to see if they suited her.

GHERARDO
12Don’t you try to pull the wool over my eyes. I tell you that we locked her indoors with Isabella.

CLEMENZIA
13Where have you come from now?

GHERARDO
14From the Fool’s Cap tavern. I was there with Virginio.

CLEMENZIA
15Have you been drinking?

GHERARDO
16Only one small glass.

CLEMENZIA
17I should go home and have a snooze. You sound as if you need it.

GHERARDO
18Let me just see Lelia properly for a moment before I go. I want to give her some good news.

CLEMENZIA
19What news?

GHERARDO
20That her brother has come back safe and sound, and that her father is waiting to see him at the inn.

CLEMENZIA
21What? Fabrizio?

GHERARDO
22Fabrizio himself.

CLEMENZIA
23If I thought that was true, I’d give you a kiss.

GHERARDO
24Delighted, I'm sure. I’d rather you gave me the chance to give one to Lelia.

CLEMENZIA
25I must go and tell her straight away.

(She slips indoors and shuts Gherardo out.)

GHERARDO
26And I must go and tan the hide of that stupid hag who let her run away.

[But he gets distracted in some way, not explained by the authors, and goes off into town.]

Scene 5

PASQUELLA
(She rushes out of Gherardo’s house.)

PASQUELLA
1Oh good Lord almighty! I’ve had such a fright in there, I’ve had to come outside to get over it! And I’m sure that if I didn’t tell you ladies what it was, you’d never guess. I’ll tell you about it, on your own: I’m not going to tell those rotten men, they’d only split themselves laughing. Well: you know those two silly old suckers kept on saying that young man was a girl, and they shut him in the bedroom with my mistress Isabella, and gave me the key to look after. I decided to go in and see what they were up to, and I found them hugging and kissing each other like mad. I thought we’d better sort out once and for all whether he really was male or female, so my mistress held him down flat on the bed and got me to help her while she kept hold of his hands. He didn’t put up much of a struggle. So I undid him in front, and all of a sudden something goes ‘plonk’ into my hand. I didn’t stop to see whether it was a pestle or a carrot or a you know what, but whatever it was it certainly hadn’t been shrivelled by the frost. Well, my dears, the moment I saw it such a size — whoosh! — I was up and out and locked the door again. And I can tell you, I’m not going back in there alone: and if there’s anyone who doesn’t believe me, and wants to check, I’ll lend you the key. Oh Lord, there’s Lilias. Now I must see if I can trick him out of that necklace. These Spaniards reckon they’re so smart, they don’t think there’s anyone in the world who can get the better of them.

Scene 6

LILIAS the Spaniard; PASQUELLA

LILIAS
1 (to audience)Zere stands Pasquella. She avaits me viz impathienth, and ze time seems to hher mucho longo, so great is hher desire for my caresses. Ze cunning hhag knows already hhow expert is an Español in ze manipulathión of vomen. Hhow much bliss my compatriótës hhave brought to zese Italian hharlots!

PASQUELLA
2 (to audience)I’ve already worked out a way to leave him with the sticky end. Just you watch now.

LILIAS
3 (continues)Zis sordid vashervoman thinks zat I vill give hher ze rosary. But I shall make hher so milk hher old master, zat viz hhis money I buy doublets, hhoses and shirts, two at a time! Ze honor of ze Imperador is stakëd upon my sukthess! Now I vill take my pleasure viz hher, and zen take back my rosary and say nothing; for I think she no longer remembers.

PASQUELLA
4 (continues)If he once leaves that necklace in my hand, then he won’t set eyes on it ever again, if I can help it. And if he starts complaining, then I’ll get my old boy friend Pluck to give him the fright of his life.

LILIAS
5 (approaching her)Blessings upon ze muzzer hhoo bore you, and hhoo made you so hermosa, so courteous, so sinthere! I think you vere vaiting for me, no?

PASQUELLA
6Ooooh, haven’t they got a way with words, these Spaniards! I’ve been waiting for you on this step for more than half an hour, just in case you passed by. My master was out, and we’d have been able to spend all that time together!

LILIAS
7I regret so much my loss, por Diós, but I hhad many things to do. Now ve go in.

PASQUELLA
8I’m a bit afraid now that the master might come back. He’s been away quite a time. I bet you’ve forgotten that necklace, eh?

LILIAS
9Not at all, my lady: it is hhere.

PASQUELLA
10Show me. Hey, you were going to get that bead repaired! Why haven’t you done it?

LILIAS
11I shall make it done anuzzer time. If I tell ze truth, I did not remember.

PASQUELLA
12It shows how much you really care about me, doesn’t it, you heartless womaniser! It makes me want to....

LILIAS
13No, no, liddle muzzer, do not be angry viz your son. You know, do you not, zat I am friend to no uzzer voman.

PASQUELLA
14It doesn’t take long to catch you out, does it? Last time you said that you had two others, two ‘gentlewomen’ mooning over you.

LILIAS
15I hhave abandonëd zem at vunce for you: I vant none uzzer zan yourselve. Do you not hhear?

PASQUELLA
16All right, I’ll believe you. Let’s see if this necklace really is a rosary. It looks rather long to me.

LILIAS
17I do not know hhow many are ze beads.

PASQUELLA
18It shows how often you say your prayers. I bet you don't even know the words of the Paternoster. Give it here a minute and I’ll count them.

LILIAS
19Take it zen — but let us go inside togezzer.

PASQUELLA
20Here, take a look round, and make sure there’s no one watching you come inside.

LILIAS
21 (moves away to look)Hhere zere is nobody.

PASQUELLA
22Right. (Looks inside the door of Gherardo’s house)Oh hell, all my chickens have got out. Stop there a moment, Lilias my love, in case they try to go that way. Otherwise it’ll take me all day to catch them again.

LILIAS
23Be qvick, please.

PASQUELLA
24Cheeeeeecky, chicky, chicky, chicky! Come along, my darlings! Chk, chk, chk! (etc.) I’ll wring your ruddy necks! I’m sure one’s going to get out. Be ready to stop it, Lilias.

LILIAS
25Hhwat? Hhwere are zese chickens? I can see nothing, no cocks, no hhens.

PASQUELLA
26Can’t you see them? Look, just here. Move a moment, let me shut the door until I’ve got them back in their coop.

(She slips indoors, with the rosary, and slams the door.)

LILIAS
27Oh! But you hhave bolted and chainëd ze door! Hhwy is zis?

PASQUELLA
28 (inside)So the chickens won’t open it again.

LILIAS
29Be qvick, zen. Someone might come and prevent our liddle business.

PASQUELLA
30I don’t care who comes, sweetheart, because nobody is coming in here!

LILIAS
31 (catching on)You cursëd old hhore! Hhwy vill you not open?

PASQUELLA
32You know what, my treasure? First of all, I think I’m going to recite the whole of this rosary. It’ll take all the evening, so you might as well push off for now. Oh yes, and I’ve just remembered another prayer, which I never miss saying on occasions like these.

LILIAS
33Hhwat foolery is zis? Hhwat rosary? Hhwat prayer?

PASQUELLA
34You want me to teach it to you? It’s a very potent incantation for getting rid of spooks. It always works. It goes like this:
-->
0035
Bogeyman, bogeyman,
0036
Haunting night and day,
0037
You came here with your tail up,
0038
And that’s how you’ll stay.
0039
Birds of a feather flock together.
0040
You tried to bring me stormy weather.
0041
You thought that you could worse me,
0042
But now you're left to curse me. Amen.

LILIAS
43I do not understand zis prayer. If you vill not let me in, zen give me my rosary again and I vill go. By all ze hholy martyrs, zis lousy bawdy treacherous old hhag has dethievëd me! Madam Pasquella, open up! Qvickly, if you vish to live!

PASQUELLA
44
(sings):
‘Where is my wandering boy tonight?
0045
Holding some other woman tight.’
0046Poor me! Betrayed and abandoned yet again!

LILIAS
47Hhwat? It is not true, lady Pasquella, hhe is hhere. Your boy is hhere, vaiting for you to open.

PASQUELLA
48
(sings):
‘I’m sorry, my lord, I can’t oblige this evening.’
0049Oh dear me!

LILIAS
50Now ze bitch is making music as if I vere not hhere. I svear to God, I vill break ze door down!

(He starts hammering at it.)

PASQUELLA
51Who’s there?

LILIAS
52Your liddle son.

PASQUELLA
53What do you want? I’m afraid the master’s out at the moment. Can I take a message?

LILIAS
54A vord viz you, please.

PASQUELLA
55You could wait there, if you like. I’m sure he won’t be much longer.

LILIAS
56Open, and I vill vait inside. She has gone avay. I svear by ze hhole vorld, zat if she does not give back my rosary, I vill burn ze hhouze down!

(He continues thumping on the door.)

PASQUELLA
57Hey! Who the hell’s that? That’s no way to behave! Who are you? Are you trying to smash the door down?

LILIAS
58By God and Saint Letania, I vill burn ze hhouze down, if you do not give me my rosary!

PASQUELLA
59I think you must have got the wrong house. There are no rose trees in this garden.

LILIAS
60I am not saying zat: I am saying my Paternosters.

PASQUELLA
61What’s it got to do with me if you’re saying your Paternosters? I learned mine a long time ago, I don’t need to practice alongside you.

LILIAS
62You filthy cowardly hhore! Do you take me for a lousy hheathen, converted only yesterday?

PASQUELLA
63You know what? If you don’t clear off from in front of this door, you’ll get a bucketful of something on your head.

LILIAS
64Throw your vater if you vill! It vill not suffice to qvench ze fire vhich I shall set to zis door! (Pasquella tips a bucket, or chamber-pot, over him from a window above.)Curse ze bitch! I am drenchëd, you lousy stinking old hhore! Hell and damnathión!

PASQUELLA
65Did I wet you? Oh dear. But here comes the master. If there’s something you want, you can ask him about it, and stop messing me about.

LILIAS
66If zat old man finds me hhere, I shall be beaten blue and black. Better to retire from ze field.

(He runs out.)

Scene 7

GHERARDO; PSAQUELLA
(Gherardo comes from town.)

GHERARDO
1What are you hanging round the doorstep for, with that Spaniard? What business have you got with him?

PASQUELLA
2He was going on about a rose tree or something. I couldn’t make head or tale of it.

GHERARDO
3Now listen to me. Why can’t you do what you’re told once in a while? I’ve half a mind to give you what for.

PASQUELLA
4What for?

GHERARDO
5Why did you let Lelia get out of the house? Didn’t I tell you not to open the door?

PASQUELLA
6What do you mean? Isn’t she in the bedroom now?

GHERARDO
7You know very well she isn’t.

PASQUELLA
8I’m quite sure she is.

GHERARDO
9And I’m quite sure she’s not. I’ve just seen her over there in Clemenzia’s house.

PASQUELLA
10But I left the two of them in that room just now. On their knees, they were. Threading beads on their rosary.

GHERARDO
11Perhaps she got back ahead of me.

PASQUELLA
12But I tell you she never got out. I can swear it. The room’s been locked the whole time.

GHERARDO
13Where’s the key?

PASQUELLA
14Right here.

GHERARDO
15Give it to me. If she’s not there, I'm going to give you the hiding of your life.

PASQUELLA
16And if she is there, will you give me a new shift?

GHERARDO
17Right, it’s a bargain.

PASQUELLA
18Let me open up, then.

GHERARDO
19 (He goes in.)Oh no, I’m going to do that. You’d only pull some trick or other.

PASQUELLA
20Oh Lord, I’m afraid he’s going to find them hard at it. But it’s some time since I left them — perhaps they’ve finished.

Scene 8

FLAMMINIO; PASQUELLA; then GHERARDO
(Flamminio comes from the town.)

FLAMMINIO
1Pasquella, how long is it since my boy Fabio was here?

PASQUELLA
2Why?

FLAMMINIO
3Because he’s betrayed me, and I’m going to punish him. And since Isabella has rejected me for him, she can expect the consequences too. It’s shameful, a gentlewoman of her rank falling for a page boy!

PASQUELLA
4Oh don’t say things like that, sir. It’s only for your sake that she was kind to him.

FLAMMINIO
5You can tell her from me that she’ll soon be sorry. As for him... you see this knife? The moment I lay hands on him, I’m going to cut off his lips and his ears, and tear his eyes out, and send the whole lot to Isabella on a platter. Then she can kiss them all to her heart’s content.

PASQUELLA
6That’s all bark and no bite. You won’t mend anything with that sort of talk.

FLAMMINIO
7 (He storms into his house.Gherardo comeYou wait and see!s running out from his own house.)

GHERARDO
8Help! Treachery! I’ve been cheated, I’ve been swindled! That lying chiselling hypocrite Virginio, he’s made a fool of me! What am I going to do now?

PASQUELLA
9What’s the matter, sir?

GHERARDO
10What’s the matter? Who is that person in with my daughter?

PASQUELLA
11But you know, don’t you? It's Virginio’s little girl, isn’t it?

GHERARDO
12Little girl, eh? That ‘little girl’ will have my daughter producing little boys, damn and blast it!

PASQUELLA
13Don’t use such language, sir! What’s the matter? Isn’t it Lelia?

GHERARDO
14No it is not Lelia, it’s a man!

PASQUELLA
15Oh what rubbish! What do you know about it?

GHERARDO
16I tell you I’ve seen with my own eyes!

PASQUELLA
17How do you mean?

GHERARDO
18Lying on top of my daughter, curse it!

PASQUELLA
19They were probably just having a little game.

GHERARDO
20I know what little game they were having.

PASQUELLA
21Are you really sure it’s a man?

GHERARDO
22Only too sure. I opened the door on them without warning, and he’d got half his clothes off, and didn’t have time to cover up.

PASQUELLA
23But are you sure you really saw everything? It might have been a woman after all.

GHERARDO
24I tell you once and for all, he’s a man! There’s enough man there for two.

PASQUELLA
25What does Isabella say?

GHERARDO
26What do you expect her to say? Oh the shame of it!

PASQUELLA
27Well why don’t you just let the young man go, and keep quiet? What are you going to do with him?

GHERARDO
28Do? I’m going to bring him up before the Governor General, and have him punished.

PASQUELLA
29Perhaps he’ll run away.

GHERARDO
30I’ve locked him in again. And here comes Virginio. Just the man I wanted to see.

Scene 9

MASTER PETER; VIRGINIO; GHERARDO
(Master Peter and Virginio come out of the inn.)

MASTER PETER
1I really don’t understand why he’s not back by now. I don’t know what to say.

VIRGINIO
2Had he any weapon with him?

MASTER PETER
3I think so.

VIRGINIO
4He’s probably been picked up by the Watch. This new Prefect of Police we’ve got won’t let a flea slip through his net.

MASTER PETER
5Surely they wouldn’t be so discourteous to a foreigner?

GHERARDO
6Good day to you, Virginio. Is this your notion of honourable behaviour? Is this how you treat your friends? A fine match you wanted to make between our two families! Who did you think you were cheating? Did you think I was just going to put up with it? You’d better watch out for yourself....

VIRGINIO
7Have you got some grudge against me, Gherardo? What am I supposed to have done? It wasn’t me who wanted to make this match. You were pestering me about it for a whole year. If you’ve changed your mind now, we’ll simply call it off.

GHERARDO
8And you’ve got the nerve to answer me back as though I were an idiot. Do you think I don’t know what’s going on? You cheating, swindling, lying crook! I’m going to take the whole matter before the Governor General.

VIRGINIO
9Gherardo, insults like that are hardly suitable for a man of your standing — and particularly when they are addressed to me.

GHERARDO
10Do you think I’m going to stand here and not even complain, you scum? Do you suppose you can get away with anything, just because you’ve got your son back?

VIRGINIO
11Scum yourself.

GHERARDO
12My God, if I were a young man again, I’d chop you into little pieces!

VIRGINIO
13Look, are you going to tell me what this is all about, or not?

GHERARDO
14You shameless ruffian!

VIRGINIO
15I’m not putting up with any more of this.

GHERARDO
16Thief!

VIRGINIO
17Forger!

GHERARDO
18Liar! Just you wait....

VIRGINIO
19I’m waiting.

MASTER PETER
20 (trying to separate them)Come now, gentlemen! This is madness.

GHERARDO
21Let go of me.

MASTER PETER
22And you, sir, put your coat back on.

VIRGINIO
23Who does he think he’s dealing with? Send me back my daughter!

GHERARDO
24I’ll skin you alive, and her too.

(He runs into his house to find something to do it with.)

MASTER PETER
25What is this gentleman’s quarrel with you?

VIRGINIO
26I’ve no idea. Except that a little while ago I left my daughter Lelia in his house, because he was going to marry her. Now all of a sudden he’s making this fuss. I hope he doesn’t do her any harm.

(Gherardo rushes out of his house with a sharp implement and murderous intent. Virginio runs away.)

MASTER PETER
27 (intervening)Oh come now, please, good sir! That’s an offensive weapon, you know. Really, this is going too far.

GHERARDO
28Let me get at him!

MASTER PETER
29But what is the cause of your quarrel?

GHERARDO
30That cheating swine has ruined me.

MASTER PETER
31How?

GHERARDO
32I’ll chop him to bits. I’ll rip him apart with this cutter....

MASTER PETER
33But what has he done?

GHERARDO
34Let’s go indoors, since the lying bastard has run away, and I’ll tell you the whole thing. Aren’t you his son’s tutor, who was in the tavern with us just now?

MASTER PETER
35That is correct, sir.

GHERARDO
36Come inside.

MASTER PETER
37Can I rely on your good faith?

GHERARDO
38 (They go into Gherardo’s house.)Of course.

End of Act IV

ACT V

(Early evening)

Scene 1

VIRGINIO; SQUINT; STOKE; GHERARDO; MASTER PETER; FABRIZIO
(Virginio, Stoke and Squint prepare to assault Gherardo’s house, with a motley array of weapons and armour.)

VIRGINIO
1Right, men, everybody follow me. That means you too, Squint.

SQUINT
2 (still drunk)Are we supposed to be armed, or not? I haven’t got anything.

VIRGINIO
3Go and borrow some equipment from the inn.

(Squint goes into the Fool’s Cap.)

STOKE
4Boss, with a shield that size you ought to have a lance.

VIRGINIO
5I can’t be bothered with a lance. This is good enough for me.

STOKE
6Since you’re stripped down for duelling, perhaps you ought to have this buckler (i.e. his own rather inadequate means of defence).It would look much more dashing.

VIRGINIO
7No, this gives more protection. God, I can’t wait to get at that thieving ruffian! Goodness knows what he’s done to that poor girl. He might even have killed her.

(Squint staggers out with a kitchen spit, the meat still on it, and probably some pots and pans as armour.)

SQUINT
8This’ll do for me, boss. I’ll skewer him on this spit like a plucked woodcock.

STOKE
9What do you need the meat for?

SQUINT
10We old campaigners know that the first thing an army needs is provisions.

STOKE
11And what’s that bottle for?

SQUINT
12To refresh and sustain the troops, if their first assault is beaten off.

STOKE
13That’s just as well, ’cause it will be.

SQUINT
14Right! Let me get at ’em. I’ll have the old man and his daughter and all the household skewered side by side like a row of little kidneys over a stove. I’ll spit the old man in through his arse and out through his eyes, and all the others sideways like little roasting thrushes.

VIRGINIO
15The door seems to be open. Do you think they’ve prepared an ambush?

SQUINT
16An ambush? I don’t fancy that. If they’re in hiding, they might give us a hiding. Hey, there’s the Professor!

(Master Peter comes out of Gherardo’s house.)

MASTER PETER
17Don’t worry, Gherardo, sir! Leave it all to me, and I promise to set everything to rights.

SQUINT
18You be careful, boss! That ruddy schoolteacher’s probably deserted to the enemy. His sort always do that: they can never stand firm in a tight spot. Shall I skewer him now, and it’ll be first blood to us?NXNota del traductor

[Production experience suggests that this is a good moment for a scene of fairly extensive slapstick violence and mayhem, involving as many characters as possible.]

MASTER PETER
19But Virginio sir, master, why all these weapons?

SQUINT
20There you are. I told you.

VIRGINIO
21What’s happened to my daughter? Give her to me now so I can take her home. And have you found Fabrizio?

MASTER PETER
22Yes sir, I have.

VIRGINIO
23Where is he?

MASTER PETER
24He’s in here, and he’s found himself a fine wife, if you’re prepared to give your consent.

VIRGINIO
25A wife? Who?

SQUINT
26That’s quick work. We’re rich, we’re rich!

MASTER PETER
27A beautiful and well-bred young lady — Gherardo’s daughter.

VIRGINIO
28But Gherardo was trying to murder me just now!

MASTER PETER
29Rem omnem a principio audies: you shall hear the whole thing from the beginning. If you would like to come inside, we can tell you all about it. Would you come out now, Gherardo sir?

GHERARDO
30 (coming out)Oh Virginio, you’ll never believe what’s happened! The most amazing chance! Come along in.

SQUINT
31Shall I spit him now, boss? But he’s too tough to be worth cooking.

GHERARDO
32Put all those weapons away, it’s a lot of nonsense.

VIRGINIO
33Can I trust you?

MASTER PETER
34I can answer for your safety, sir.

VIRGINIO
35Well then. You others go back home, get rid of your weapons, and bring me back my robe.

(Exit Squint and Stoke. Master Peter brings out Fabrizio.)

MASTER PETER
36Fabrizio, come and be re-united with your father.

VIRGINIO
37But isn’t this Lelia?

MASTER PETER
38No, this is Fabrizio.

VIRGINIO
39My son!

FABRIZIO
40I’ve waited so long for this!

VIRGINIO
41My son, I thought you were lost for ever!

GHERARDO
42Inside, everyone, and hear the whole story. And if you’re worried about your daughter, she’s safe at home with Clemenzia.

VIRGINIO
43God be praised!

(They all go into Gherardo’s house.)

Scene 2

SIFTER; FLAMMINIO; CLEMENZIA
(Sifter and Flamminio from Flamminio’s house.)

SIFTER
1But he’s in Clemenzia’s house, I tell you. I’ve seen him there, and heard him.

FLAMMINIO
2Are you sure it was Fabio?

SIFTER
3Do you think I don’t know him?

FLAMMINIO
4Let’s go there, then. And if I get my hands on him....

SIFTER
5Calm down, you’ll ruin everything. Control yourself until you can get him out of there.

FLAMMINIO
6How am I supposed to control myself?

SIFTER
7If you don’t, you’ll spoil the whole plan.

FLAMMINIO
8Let it spoil.

(Flamminio knocks at Clemenzia’s door.)

CLEMENZIA
9 (inside)Who’s there?

FLAMMINIO
10A friend. Come down a moment, Clemenzia.

CLEMENZIA
11Oh! Master Flamminio. What do you want, sir?

FLAMMINIO
12Open up, and I’ll tell you.

CLEMENZIA
13I’ll be down in a moment.

FLAMMINIO
14As soon as she opens the door, push your way in, see if he’s there, and call me.

SIFTER
15Leave it to me.

CLEMENZIA
16 (opening the door)What can I do for you, sir?

FLAMMINIO
17What are you doing with my page boy in your house?

(Sifter tries to get in.)

CLEMENZIA
18What page boy? And where do you think you’re going, pusher? (She succeeds in keeping Sifter out.)Are you trying to force an entry to my house?

FLAMMINIO
19Clemenzia, I swear by the holy immaculate... if you don’t give me back...

CLEMENZIA
20Give you back what?

FLAMMINIO
21My page boy who’s hiding in your house.

CLEMENZIA
22There are no page boys of yours in my house, though you might find a chamber maid if you looked.

FLAMMINIO
23Clemenzia, this is no time for foolery. We’ve always been friends, you and I: you’ve done favours for me, and I’ve done some for you. This time it’s something really important.

CLEMENZIA
24In other words, something to do with a woman, by the looks of it. Now just you give yourself time to cool down a little.

FLAMMINIO
25I’m asking you to give me Fabio.

CLEMENZIA
26So I shall.

FLAMMINIO
27Right. Get him down, then.

CLEMENZIA
28Take it a little easy, for goodness’ sake! You young men are always so hasty, you’re no use to a woman at all. How are things with Isabella?

FLAMMINIO
29I’d like to rip her apart!

CLEMENZIA
30Go on! You can’t mean it.

FLAMMINIO
31Can’t I? She’s made it pretty clear what she means.

CLEMENZIA
32Well, whatever she’s done, it serves you right. There’s no gratitude in you young men, you can never recognize your obligations

FLAMMINIO
33That is not true of me. I know well that I have my faults, but ingratitude is not one of them. It’s a thing I detest, I’m the last man in the world to be charged with that.

CLEMENZIA
34Well, perhaps not you, then. But there is another young gentleman in Modena, rather like yourself, who started taking an interest in a girl here; and she fell for him in return, so desperately that she had eyes for no one else in the world.

FLAMMINIO
35He’s a lucky man, then. I wish I could say the same in my case.

CLEMENZIA
36Well, it happened that the girl’s father sent her away from Modena for a while. And when she left, she was in such tears as you’ve never seen, for fear he should forget her while she was gone. And in fact he turned straight away to another woman, as though the first had never existed for him.

FLAMMINIO
37Then that man is not a gentleman, as you said he was. He is an ungrateful deserter.

CLEMENZIA
38But there is worse to come. When the young girl came back a few months later, and found her lover was in love with a woman who cared nothing for him, then to do him service she left her house and her father, and put her honour at risk. She dressed as a page boy, and got herself hired as a servant by the man she loved.

FLAMMINIO
39This actually happened in Modena?

CLEMENZIA
40And you know both the young people concerned.

FLAMMINIO
41I would rather be loved as that man was loved than be Duke of Milan.

CLEMENZIA
42And then what happens? This lover of hers still didn’t know her, and he used her as go-between to carry messages to that other woman; and that poor girl, just to give him pleasure, did exactly as she was told.

FLAMMINIO
43Now that is true virtue, true loyalty! An example for all time! Why could such a thing not happen to me?

CLEMENZIA
44Well... in any case, even if it did, you’d never give up Isabella.

FLAMMINIO
45I'd give up... I nearly said Christ, for a woman like that. Please, Clemenzia, can’t you tell me who she is?

CLEMENZIA
46Well, I could. But first of all, I want you to tell me, on your honour as a knight and a gentleman, what you would do to that poor young woman if such a thing happened to you. Would you throw her out, when you heard what she’d done? Would you kill her? Or would you think that she deserved some recompense?

FLAMMINIO
47I swear to you by the sun you see in the sky: may I never be seen again in honourable society if I would not prefer that woman as my wife before the Duke of Ferrara’s daughter — even if she were ugly, even if she were poor, even if she were of low birth.

CLEMENZIA
48You’re saying a great deal. Do you swear it?

FLAMMINIO
49I swear it, and I would do it.

CLEMENZIA
50 (to Sifter)You’re witness to that.

SIFTER
51I heard. And I know he’d do it, too.

CLEMENZIA
52Now I shall tell you the names of that girl and that young gentleman. Fabio! Fabio! Come down here, your master wants you.

(She goes in to fetch him.)

FLAMMINIO
53What shall I do, Sifter? Should I kill this traitor or not? He’s always been a very able servant.

SIFTER
54I wondered how long you’d keep it up. I knew it all along. Go on, forgive him, what else? In any case, that giddy Isabella never cared anything about you.

FLAMMINIO
55That’s very true.

Scene 3

CLEMENZIA; FLAMMINIO; SIFTER; LELIA in woman’s clothes; PASQUELLA
(Clemenzia brings Lelia out. Pasquella comes out of Gherardo’s house.)

PASQUELLA
1Yes, all right, leave it to me. I’ll tell her everything you’ve said. I’m not daft.

CLEMENZIA
2Well, master Flamminio, this is your servant Fabio. Take a good look. Do you know him? You look a little surprised. But this is that very same faithful, loving girl whom I was telling you about. Look at her, see if you recognize her. Have you lost your tongue? Why is that? You yourself are that young man, with so little appreciation of his lady’s love. This is the truth, now — no more deceptions. You know if I’m telling the truth or not. Now it’s for you to attend to what you swore to do, or I’ll call you out in public for breach of promise.

FLAMMINIO
3If this is a deception, then I can’t think of a better way to be deceived. How could I be so blind that I didn’t know her?

SIFTER
4What about me then, after all those times when I wanted to see for myself? I’ve been a complete ruddy idiot.

PASQUELLA
5Clemenzia! Virginio says you’ve got to come to our house straight away, because his son Fabrizio who came home today is getting married, and you’ve got to go home to tidy up, because you know there are no other women there to see to things.

CLEMENZIA
6Getting married? Who to?

PASQUELLA
7To Isabella, my master Gherardo’s daughter.

FLAMMINIO
8What? Do you mean your Isabella, Gherardo Foiani’s daughter, or some other?

PASQUELLA
9Some other who? No, I mean her. He knows what he’s about, that young man — he went straight to the honey pot.

FLAMMINIO
10Are you sure?

PASQUELLA
11Absolutely. I saw the whole thing: they exchanged rings, hugs and kisses, and everyone was delighted. And before he gave her the ring, my mistress had already given him... well, never mind.

FLAMMINIO
12How long ago was all this?

PASQUELLA
13Right now, this very minute. And they sent me straight off at the double to tell Clemenzia and fetch her over.

CLEMENZIA
14Well, you tell them that I’ll only be a little moment. Go along.

LELIA
15I can’t believe it — my brother! So many wonderful things, all at once!

PASQUELLA
16Don't be long, then, because I’ve got so much to do myself that I don’t know which end is which. First of all I’ve got to go and buy some make-up for her. Oh yes, I forgot to ask if you’ve got Lelia at home with you — because Gherardo has accepted her again.

CLEMENZIA
17You can see for yourself that she’s here. But does he really mean to marry her off to your spineless bogey of a master? He ought to be ashamed of himself.

PASQUELLA
18You don’t know my master. If you knew how lively he can be, you wouldn’t say that.

CLEMENZIA
19Well you ought to know. You’ve probably tried him out.

PASQUELLA
20Same as you have with yours. I’m off now.

(Pasquella exits into town.)

FLAMMINIO
21They can’t want to marry her to Gherardo?

CLEMENZIA
22They do, worse luck. Poor child, nothing seems to go right for her.

FLAMMINIO
23He can go and croak first, if I have anything to do with it. Listen, Clemenzia, I’m sure this has all come about by the will of God, who has taken pity on this loyal young girl and given me a chance to save my soul and make restitution. So, my lady Lelia, if you are willing, I hereby take you as my promised wife. And I swear on my honour as a knight and a gentleman that if I cannot have you, I shall have no other woman.

LELIA
24Flamminio, you are my lord, and you know well what I did and why I did it. I have no other desire in the world.

FLAMMINIO
25As you have truly shown. And forgive me if I have done anything to hurt you during the time when I did not know you, for I recognize my error and am greatly ashamed.

LELIA
26My lord Flamminio, nothing that you could do can give me anything but pleasure.

FLAMMINIO
27Clemenzia, I do not want to delay matters and allow time for anything to interfere with our good fortune. I should like to marry her now, if she is willing.

LELIA
28Very willing.

SIFTER
29Thanks be to God! And you, master, my lord Flamminio, are you willing? Be it known that I hereby appoint myself notary at law — and these are my qualifications.

FLAMMINIO
30More willing to do this than anything I have ever done.

SIFTER
31Very good. You may now marry, and proceed to bed in your own time. Hey, I didn’t say you could kiss her!

CLEMENZIA
32Do you know what I think now? You two should go into my house, while I tell Virginio what’s happened, and see Gherardo’s face when he hears the news.

FLAMMINIO
33Yes please, and tell Isabella too.

(Flamminio, Lelia and Sifter go into Clemenzia’s house. Clemenzia to Gherardo’s house.)

Scene 4

Pasquella; Lilias
(They enter from different directions)

LILIAS
1Por la vida del rey! Hhoo do I see but zat sneaking bitch Pasquella, hhoo mockëd me and robbëd me of my beads by dethepthión. Hhwat luck to find hher again!

PASQUELLA
2Oh hell, here comes the old nag-bag himself! He would have to turn up now. I wish he’d go and boil his head, and the rest of his regiment along with him. How am I going to get out of this one?

LILIAS
3Madam Pasquella!

PASQUELLA
4That’s a good start. I’m a madam already.

LILIAS
5Madam, you hhave mockëd me, and you hhave taken my rosary, and you hhave not done zose things vhich you promisëd you vould do....

PASQUELLA
6Sssshh! Keep your voice down, for God’s sake!

LILIAS
7Hhwat for? Zere is no vun hhere hhoo can hhear us.

PASQUELLA
8Are you trying to ruin me?

LILIAS
9Are you trying to dethieve me?

PASQUELLA
10Push off now, and leave me alone. I’ll talk to you another time.

LILIAS
11Return to me my rosary, and zen say vhat you vant. I vill not let you able to say zat you dethievëd me.

PASQUELLA
12You can have it back another time. Do you think I’m carrying it around with me? It’s not all that precious, you know: there are plenty of other people who’ll give me necklaces.

LILIAS
13Hhwy did you enclose me out of your door, and zen make musics and songs, and zen said something ‘Bogeyman, bogeyman’, and prayers and uzzer nonsensicals?

PASQUELLA
14Keep it quiet! You’re ruining me. I’ll tell you the whole thing.

LILIAS
15Hhwat hhole thing? Go on, zen.

PASQUELLA
16Come over into this corner, so the mistress won’t see us.

LILIAS
17Is zis anuzzer trick or no?

PASQUELLA
18Me trick you? Am I the sort of person that goes around playing tricks on people? Come now.

LILIAS
19Now tell me — hhwat is all zis?

PASQUELLA
20Well. You remember we were talking together. Well. My mistress Isabella had sneaked down the stairs, and was hiding right next to me and listening to every word we said. When I was chasing the chickens, she slipped into the bedroom and was watching what we were up to through a crack in the door. But I spotted her, and pretended I hadn’t, so I had to make out I’d been trying to trick you, and I showed her the rosary afterwards to prove it. She took it, because she thought I’d done you out of it, and she’s wearing it now as a bracelet. But I’ll get it back off her tonight, and give it back to you, if you’ve decided not to give it to me after all.

LILIAS
21Can zis be ze truth? Bevare zat you do not dethieve me.

PASQUELLA
22My dear Lilias, if it’s not the absolute truth may I never set eyes on you again! Do you think I’m not proud of your friendship? You’re so suspicious, you Spaniards. It’s a wonder you believe in Jesus Christ, since you don’t seem to believe anything else you’re told.

LILIAS
23Vell now, hhwy do ve not do hhwat ve had agreed betveen ourselves?

PASQUELLA
24My mistress has just got engaged, and the wedding’s this evening, so I’ve got much too much work to do. We’ll have to wait for another time. (To herself)Ugh, they really turn your stomach, this lot!

LILIAS
25 (from a distance)Mañana, zen, tomorrow? Tomorrow morning, yes? Is it not so?

PASQUELLA
26Leave it to me. I’ll remember you when the time comes. Don’t worry. Whew! Crikey!

(She escapes into Gherardo’s house)

LILIAS
27 (calls after her)I svear to God, if you dethieve me vun more time, I shall slap you on ze face!

(Exit)

Scene 5

A YOUNG GIRL (Clemenzia’s daughter)
(Listening intently at a window of her own house)

THE GIRL
1Hey, there’s an awful lot of thrashing about in this downstairs room. I wonder what it is. There’s a bed in there, heaving and shaking about as if it were haunted. Oooooh, I’m frightened! What’s that? There’s someone in there moaning, and saying ‘Ooh, not so hard!’ And there’s someone else, what’s he saying? ‘My darling, my love, my angel, my wife!’ (Giggles.)I can’t hear the rest. Do you think I should knock and ask them to speak up? Oh! One’s saying ‘Wait for me’. They must be going somewhere. And there’s the other saying ‘Be quick then!’ Are they trying to smash that bed? It’s going faster and faster.... Help! I’m going to tell my mum!

Scene 6

ISABELLA; FABRIZIO; CLEMENZIA
(Isabella and Fabrizio from Gherardo’s house)

ISABELLA
1I was convinced you were somebody I knew, a gentleman’s servant in this town, who looks so much like you that he must be your brother.

FABRIZIO
2Other people have been mistaking me today. I was beginning to think that the landlord had swapped me for someone else while I was sleeping at the inn.

ISABELLA
3Here’s your nurse Clemenzia, come to have a word.

CLEMENZIA
4 (following them out of the house)This must be him. He’s the very image of Lelia. Fabrizio, my darling boy, welcome home. How are you?

FABRIZIO
5Dear old nurse! I’m very well. How’s Lelia?

CLEMENZIA
6She’s doing very well too. But let’s go in, there’s so much for us all to talk about.

(She waves Fabrizio and Isabella into her own house, but is held back by Virginio’s approach)

Scene 7

VIRGINIO; CLEMENZIA
(Virginio from Gherardo’s house)

VIRGINIO
1I’m so pleased to have found my son that I’ll agree to whatever you like.

CLEMENZIA
2It's God’s will, sir, believe me. So much better than marrying her off to an old man with no backbone like Gherardo. Let me go in now and check how things are, because I left the young couple very intent on each other, and they’re all by themselves. Come in now, sir. Everything is all right.

(They go into Clemenzia’s house)

Scene 8

SQUINT, alone

SQUINT
1Evening, your worships. Don’t expect any of that lot to come outside again: the play’s been long enough already. If you want to join us at the wedding supper, then I’ll see you all at the Fool’s Cap. But bring some cash with you, because you’ll have to pay for yourselves. But if you aren’t coming — and you don’t look as if you are — then stay here and have a good time. Members of the Academy: your appreciation, please!

END OF THE COMEDY