A Trick to Catch the Old One Trick to Catch the Old One A EMOTHE0339

Source text for this digital edition:
Middleton, Thomas. A Trick to Catch the Old One. In: Lawrence, Robert G. (ed.) Jacobean and Caroline Comedies. London: J. M. Dent and Sons, 1973, pp. 1-72, Everyman’s Library.

Digital text editor for EMOTHE:

Teruel Pozas, Miguel

Note on this digital edition

Text reproduced by kind permission of Joan Lawrence.

With the support of research project GVAICO2016-094, funded by Generalitat Valenciana (2016-2017).

For this digital edition, speech prefixes have been expanded, as well as “W.” to “Walkadine” in stage directions.

[ DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Theodorus Witgood scapegrace nephew to Pecunious Lucre

Pecunious Lucre

Walkadine Hoard uncle to Joyce

Onesiphorus Hoard brother to Walkadine Hoard

Limber }

Kix }

Sir Tristram Lamprey }

Spitchcock }

Moneylove } friends to Walkadine Hoard

Harry Dampit }

Gulf } usurers

Sam Freedom stepson to Lucre

Sir Lancelot

Host

Three Creditors

George servant to Lucre

Arthur servant to Walkadine Hoard

Gentlemen friends to Lucre

Drawer

Vintner

Scrivener

Sergeants

Boys

Servants

Courtesan

Mistress Lucre

Joyce beloved of Witgood

Lady Foxstone

Audrey servant to Dampit

Leicestershire and London ]

[ACT I SCENE 1]

[A town in Leicestershire]

Enter Witgood, a gentleman, solus

WITGOOD

1All’s gone! Still thou’rt a gentleman, that’s all. But a poor 2one, that’s nothing. What milk brings thy meadows forth now? 3Where are thy goodly uplands and thy downlands? All sunk 4into that little pit, lechery. Why should a gallant pay but two 5shillings for his ord’nary that nourishes him, and twenty times 6two for his brothel that consumes him? But where’s Long-acre? 7In my uncle’s conscience, which is three years’ voyage about. 8He that sets out upon his conscience ne’er finds the way home 9again; he is either swallowed in the quicksands of law-quillets 10or splits upon the piles of a praemunire; yet these old fox-brain’d 11and ox-brow’d uncles have still defences for their avarice 12and apologies for their practices, and will thus greet our follies:

ErrorMetrica

He that doth his youth expose

To brothel, drink, and danger,

Let him that is his nearest kin

Cheat him before a stranger.

17And that’s his uncle; ‘tis a principle in usury. I dare not visit the 18city; there I should be too soon visited by that horrible plague, 19my debts, and by that means I lose a virgin’s love, her portion, 20and her virtues. Well, how should a man live now that has no 21living? Hum. Why, are there not a million of men in the world 22that only sojourn upon their brain and make their wits their 23mercers? And am I but one amongst that million and cannot 24thrive upon’t? Any trick out of the compass of law now would 25come happily to me.

Enter Courtesan

COURTESAN

26My love!

WITGOOD

27My loathing! Hast thou been the secret consumption of my 28purse, and now com’st to undo my last means, my wit? Wilt 29leave no virtue in me, and yet thou ne’er the better?

ErrorMetrica

Hence, courtesan, round-webb’d tarantula,

That dryest the roses in the cheeks of youth.

COURTESAN

I have been true unto your pleasure, and all your lands

Thrice rack’d was never worth the jewel

Which I prodigally gave you, my virginity.

Lands mortgag’d may return, and more esteem’d,

But honesty once pawn’d is ne’er redeem’d.

WITGOOD

Forgive; I do thee wrong

To make thee sin and then to chide thee for’t.

COURTESAN

I know I am your loathing now; farewell.

WITGOOD

Stay, best invention, stay.

COURTESAN

41I that have been the secret consumption of your purse, 42shall I stay now to undo your last means, your wits? Hence, 43courtesan, away.

WITGOOD

44I prithee make me not mad at my own weapon. Stay—a 45thing few women can do, I know that, and therefore they had 46need wear stays—be not contrary. Dost love me? Fate has so 47cast it that all my means I must derive from thee.

COURTESAN

From me? Be happy then;

What lies within the power of my performance

Shall be commanded of thee.

WITGOOD

Spoke like

An honest drab, i’ faith; it may prove something.

What trick is not an embryo at first,

Until a perfect shape come over it?

COURTESAN

Come, I must help you. Whereabouts left you?

I’ll proceed.

Though you beget, ‘tis I must help to breed.

Speak. What is’t? I’d fain conceive it.

WITGOOD

58So, so, so. Thou shalt presently take the name and form 59upon thee of a rich country widow, four hundred a year valiant, 60in woods, in bullocks, in barns, and in rye stacks. We’ll to 61London and to my covetous uncle.

COURTESAN

62I begin to applaud thee; our states being both desperate, 63they are soon resolute. But how for horses?

WITGOOD

64Mass, that’s true. The jest will be of some continuance. 65Let me see. Horses now, a bots on ‘em! Stay. I have acquaintance 66with a mad host, never yet bawd to thee. I have rins’d 67the whoreson’s gums in mull-sack many a time and often; put 68but a good tale into his ear now so it come off cleanly, and there’s 69horse and man for us, I dare warrant thee.

COURTESAN

Arm your wits then

Speedily. There shall want nothing in me,

Either in behaviour, discourse, or fashion,

That shall discredit your intended purpose.

I will so artfully disguise my wants

And set so good a courage on my state

That I will be believed.

WITGOOD

77Why, then, all’s furnish’d. I shall go nigh to catch that old 78fox mine uncle, though he make but some amends for my 79undoing. Yet there’s some comfort in’t: He cannot otherwise 80choose, though it be but in hope to cozen me again, but supply 81any hasty want that I bring to town with me. The device well 82and cunningly carried, the name of a rich widow and four 83hundred a year in good earth will so conjure up a kind of usurer’s 84love in him to me that he will not only desire my presence, which 85at first shall scarce be granted him—I’ll keep off a’ purpose— 86but I shall find him so officious to deserve, so ready to supply. 87I know the state of an old man’s affection so well: If his 88nephew be poor indeed, why he lets God alone with him, but if 89he be once rich, then he’ll be the first man that helps him.

COURTESAN

90‘Tis right the world; for in these days an old man’s love 91to his kindred is like his kindness to his wife, ‘tis always done 92before he comes at it.

WITGOOD

93I owe thee for that jest. Begone. Here’s all my wealth. 94Prepare thyself. Away. I’ll to mine host with all possible haste, 95and, with the best art and most profitable form, pour the sweet 96circumstance into his ear, which shall have the gift to turn all 97the wax to honey. [Exit Courtesan] 98How now? Oh, the right worshipful seniors of our country.

[Stands aside]

[Enter Three Gentlemen]

1 GENTLEMAN

Who’s that?

2 GENTLEMAN

100

Oh, the common rioter. Take no note of him.

WITGOOD

101

[Aside]

You will not see me now; the comfort is

102

Ere it be long you will scarce see yourselves.

[Exit]

1 GENTLEMAN

103

I wonder how he breathes; h’as consum’d all

104

Upon that courtesan.

2 GENTLEMAN

We have heard so much.

1 GENTLEMAN

105

You have heard all truth; his uncle and my brother

106

Have been these three years mortal adversaries.

107

Two old tough spirits, they seldom meet but fight,

108

Or quarrel when ‘tis calmest. I think their anger

109

Be the very fire that keeps their age alive.

2 GENTLEMAN

110What was the quarrel, sir?

1 GENTLEMAN

111Faith, about a purchase, fetching over a young heir. 112Master Hoard, my brother, having wasted much time in beating 113the bargain, what did me old Lucre but, as his conscience 114mov’d him, knowing the poor gentleman, stepp’d in between 115‘em and cozen’d him himself.

2 GENTLEMAN

116And was this all, sir?

1 GENTLEMAN

117This was e’en it, sir. Yet for all this, I know no reason 118but the match might go forward betwixt his wife’s son and my 119niece. What though there be a dissension between the two old 120men, I see no reason it should put a difference between the two 121younger. ‘Tis as natural for old folks to fall out as for young to 122fall in. A scholar comes a-wooing to my niece; well, he’s wise, 123but he’s poor. Her son comes a-wooing to my niece; well, he’s a 124fool, but he’s rich.

2 GENTLEMAN

125Ay, marry, sir.

1 GENTLEMAN

126Pray now, is not a rich fool better than a poor 127philosopher?

2 GENTLEMAN

128One would think so, i’ faith.

1 GENTLEMAN

129She now remains at London with my brother, her 130second uncle, to learn fashions, practise music. The voice 131between her lips, and the viol between her legs, she’ll be fit for a 132consort very speedily. A thousand good pound is her portion; 133if she marry, we’ll ride up and be merry.

3 GENTLEMAN

134A match, if it be a match.

Exeunt.

[ACT I SCENE 2]

[A town in Leicestershire]

Enter at one door, Witgood; at the other, Host

WITGOOD

1Mine host?

HOST

2Young Master Witgood.

WITGOOD

3I have been laying all the town for thee.

HOST

4Why, what’s the news, Bully Had-land?

WITGOOD

5What geldings are in the house of thine own? Answer me 6to that first.

HOST

7Why, man, why?

WITGOOD

8Mark me what I say. I’ll tell thee such a tale in thine ear 9that thou shalt trust me spite of thy teeth, furnish me with some 10money willy-nilly, and ride up with me thyself contra voluntatem 11et professionem.

HOST

12How! Let me see this trick, and I’ll say thou hast more art 13than a conjurer.

WITGOOD

14Dost thou joy in my advancement?

HOST

15Do I love sack and ginger?

WITGOOD

16Comes my prosperity desiredly to thee?

HOST

17Come forfeitures to a usurer, fees to an officer, punks to 18an host, and pigs to a parson desiredly? Why, then, la!

WITGOOD

19Will the report of a widow of four hundred a year, boy, 20make thee leap and sing and dance and come to thy place again?

HOST

21Wilt thou command me now? I am thy spirit; conjure me 22into any shape.

WITGOOD

23I ha’ brought her from her friends, turn’d back the horses 24by a sleight. Not so much as one amongst her six men, goodly, 25large, yeomanly fellows, will she trust with this her purpose; 26by this light, all unmann’d; regardless of her state, neglectful of 27vainglorious ceremony, all for my love. Oh, ‘tis a fine little 28voluble tongue, mine host, that wins a widow.

HOST

29No, ‘tis a tongue with a great T, my boy, that wins a 30widow.

WITGOOD

31Now, sir, the case stands thus, good mine host; if thou 32lov’st my happiness, assist me.

HOST

33Command all my beasts i’ th’ house.

WITGOOD

34Nay, that’s not all neither; prithee, take truce with thy 35joy and listen to me. Thou know’st I have a wealthy uncle i’ th’ 36city, somewhat the wealthier by my follies. The report of this 37fortune, well and cunningly carried, might be a means to draw 38some goodness from the usuring rascal, for I have put her in 39hope already of some estate that I have, either in land or money. 40Now if I be found true in neither, what may I expect but a 41sudden breach of our love, utter dissolution of the match, and 42confusion of my fortunes for ever?

HOST

43Wilt thou but trust the managing of thy business with me?

WITGOOD

44With thee? Why, will I desire to thrive in my purpose? 45Will I hug four hundred a year? I that know the misery of 46nothing? Will that man wish a rich widow, that has ne’er a hole 47to put his head in? With thee, mine host? Why, believe it, sooner 48with thee than with a covey of counsellors.

HOST

49Thank you for your good report. I’ faith, sir, and if I 50stand you not in stead, why, then, let an host come off hic et haec 51hostis, a deadly enemy to dice, drink, and venery. Come, 52where’s this widow?

WITGOOD

53Hard at Park End.

HOST

54I’ll be her serving-man for once.

WITGOOD

55Why, there we let off together. Keep full time; my thoughts 56were striking then just the same number.

HOST

57I knew’t. Shall we then see our merry days again?

WITGOOD

58Our merry nights, which ne’er shall be more seen.

Exeunt.

[ACT I SCENE 3]

[A street in London]

Enter at several doors old Lucre and old [Walkadine] Hoard, gentlemen [Lamprey, Spitchcock, Sam Freedom, and Moneylove] coming between them to pacify ‘em

LAMPREY

1Nay, good Master Lucre, and you, Master Hoard, anger 2is the wind which you’re both too much troubled withal.

WALKADINE HOARD

3Shall my adversary thus daily affront me, ripping 4up the old wound of our malice, which three summers could not 5close up? Into which wound the very sight of him drops 6scalding lead instead of balsamum?

LUCRE

7Why, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard, Hoard! May I not 8pass in the state of quietness to mine own house? Answer me to 9that, before witness, and why? I’ll refer the cause to honest, 10even-minded gentlemen, or require the mere indifferences of 11the law to decide this matter. I got the purchase, true; was’t 12not any man’s case? Yes. Will a wise man stand as a bawd, 13whilst another wipes his nose of the bargain? No, I answer, no, 14in that case.

LAMPREY

15Nay, sweet Master Lucre.

WALKADINE HOARD

16Was it the part of a friend? No; rather of a Jew. 17Mark what I say: When I had beaten the bush to the last bird, 18or, as I may term it, the price to a pound, then, like a cunning 19usurer, to come in the evening of the bargain and glean all my 20hopes in a minute; to enter, as it were, at the back door of the 21purchase, for thou ne’er cam’st the right way by it!

LUCRE

22Hast thou the conscience to tell me so, without any 23impeachment to thyself?

WALKADINE HOARD

24Thou that canst defeat thy own nephew, Lucre, 25lap his lands into bonds, and take the extremity of thy kindred’s 26forfeitures because he’s a rioter, a wastethrift, a brothel-master, 27and so forth—what may a stranger expect from thee but 28vulnera dilacerate, as the poet says, dilacerate dealing?

LUCRE

29Upbraid’st thou me with ‘nephew’? Is all imputation laid 30upon me? What acquaintance have I with his follies? If he riot, 31’tis he must want it; if he surfeit, ‘tis he must feel it; if he drab it, 32‘tis he must lie by’t. What’s this to me?

WALKADINE HOARD

33What’s all to thee? Nothing, nothing; such is the 34gulf of thy desire and the wolf of thy conscience. But be 35assured, old Pecunius Lucre, if ever fortune so bless me that 36I may be at leisure to vex thee, or any means so favour me that 37I may have opportunity to mad thee, I will pursue it with that 38flame of hate, that spirit of malice, unrepressed wrath, that I 39will blast thy comforts.

LUCRE

40Ha, ha, ha!

LAMPREY

41Nay, Master Hoard, you’re a wise gentleman.

WALKADINE HOARD

42I will so cross thee—

LUCRE

43And I thee.

WALKADINE HOARD

44So without mercy fret thee—

LUCRE

45So monstrously oppose thee—

WALKADINE HOARD

46Dost scoff at my just anger? Oh, that I had as much 47power as usury has over thee!

LUCRE

48Then thou wouldst have as much power as the devil has 49over thee!

WALKADINE HOARD

50Toad!

LUCRE

51Aspic!

WALKADINE HOARD

52Serpent!

LUCRE

53Viper!

SPITCHCOCK

54Nay, gentlemen, then we must divide you perforce.

LAMPREY

55When the fire grows too unreasonable hot, there’s no 56better way than to take off the wood.

Exeunt [Lamprey, Spitchcock, Lucre and Walkadine Hoard].

Manent Sam [Freedom] and Moneylove

SAM

57A word, good signior.

MONEYLOVE

58How now, what’s the news?

SAM

59‘Tis given me to understand that you are a rival of mine in 60the love of Mistress Joyce, Master Hoard’s niece. Say me ay, 61say me no.

MONEYLOVE

62Yes, ‘tis so.

SAM

63Then look to yourself; you cannot live long. I’m practising 64every morning; a month hence I’ll challenge you.

MONEYLOVE

65Give me your hand upon’t. There’s my pledge I’ll meet 66you!

Strikes him.

Exit.

SAM

67Oh! Oh! What reason had you for that, sir, to strike before 68the month? You knew I was not ready for you, and that made 69you so crank. I am not such a coward to strike again, I warrant 70you; my ear has the law of her side, for it burns horribly. I will 71teach him to strike a naked face, the longest day of his life. 72‘Slid, it shall cost me some money, but I’ll bring this box into 73the Chancery.

Exit.

[ACT I SCENE 4]

[A street in London]

Enter Witgood and the Host

HOST

1Fear you nothing, sir, I have lodg’d her in a house of 2credit, I warrant you.

WITGOOD

3Hast thou the writings?

HOST

4Firm, sir.

[Enter Dampit and Gulf, who stand apart]

WITGOOD

5Prithee, stay, and behold two [of] the most prodigious 6rascals that ever slipp’d into the shape of men: Dampit, sirrah, 7and young Gulf, his fellow caterpillar.

HOST

8Dampit? Sure, I have heard of that Dampit.

WITGOOD.

9Heard of him? Why, man, he that has lost both his ears 10may hear of him; a famous infamous trampler of time (his 11own phrase). Note him well. That Dampit, sirrah, he in the 12uneven beard and the serge cloak, is the most notorious, 13usuring, blasphemous, atheistical, brothel-vomiting rascal that 14we have in these latter times now extant, whose first beginning 15was the stealing of a mastie dog from a farmer’s house.

HOST

16He look’d as if he would obey the commandment[s] well, 17when he began first with stealing.

WITGOOD

18True. The next town he came at, he set the dogs together by 19th’ears.

HOST

20A sign he should follow the law, by my faith.

WITGOOD

21So it followed, indeed; and being destitute of all fortunes, 22stak’d his mastie against a noble, and by great fortune his 23dog had the day. How he made it up ten shillings I know 24not, but his own boast is that he came to town with but ten 25shillings in his purse, and now is credibly worth ten thousand 26pound.

HOST

27How the devil came he by it?

WITGOOD

28How the devil came he not by it? If you put in the devil 29once, riches come with a vengeance. H’as been a trampler of 30the law, sir, and the devil has a care of his footmen. The rogue 31has spied me now; he nibbled me finely once too. [Aside] A pox 32 search you.—Oh, Master Dampit! [Aside] The very loins of 33 thee!—Cry you mercy, Master Gulf; you walk so low I 34promise you I saw you not, sir.

GULF.

35He that walks low walks safe, the poets tell us.

WITGOOD

36[Aside] And nigher Hell by a foot and a half than the rest 37 of his fellows—But my old Harry!

DAMPIT

38My sweet Theodorus!

WITGOOD

39‘Twas a merry world when thou cam’st to town with ten 40shillings in thy purse.

DAMPIT

41And now worth ten thousand pound, my boy. Report 42it: Harry Dampit, a trampler of time; say he would be up in a 43morning and be here with his serge gown, dash’d up to the 44hams in a cause, have his feet stink about Westminster Hall, 45and come home again; see the galleons, the galleasses, the 46great armadas of the law; then there be hoys and petty vessels, 47oars and scullers of the time; there be picklocks of the time too. 48Then would I be here; I would trample up and down like a mule; 49now to the judges: ‘May it please your reverend, honourable 50fatherhoods’; then to my counsellor: ‘May it please your 51worshipful patience’; then to the examiner’s office: ‘May it 52please your mastership’s gentleness’; then to one of the clerks: 53‘May it please your worshipful lousiness’, for I find him scrubbing 54in his codpiece; then to the hall again; then to the chamber 55again—

WITGOOD

56And when to the cellar again?

DAMPIT

57E’en when thou wilt again. Tramplers of time, 58motions of Fleet Street, and visions of Holborn; here I have 59fees of one, there I have fees of another; my clients come about 60me, the fooliaminy and coxcombry of the country. I still 61trash’d and trotted for other men’s causes; thus was poor Harry 62Dampit made rich by others’ laziness, who, though they would 63not follow their own suits, I made ‘em follow me with their 64purses.

WITGOOD

65Didst thou so, old Harry?

DAMPIT

66Ay, and I sous’d ‘em with bills of charges, i’ faith; 67twenty pound a year have I brought in for boat-hire, and I 68ne’er stepp’d into boat in my life.

WITGOOD

69Tramplers of time!

DAMPIT

70Ay, tramplers of time, rascals of time, bull-beggars.

WITGOOD

71Ah, thou’rt a mad old Harry! Kind Master Gulf, I am bold 72to renew my acquaintance.

GULF.

73I embrace it, sir.

Music. Exeunt.

Incipit ACT II [SCENE 1]

[Lucre’s house]

Enter Lucre

LUCRE

1My adversary ever more twits me with my nephew; 2forsooth, my nephew, Why may not a virtuous uncle have a 3dissolute nephew? What though he be a brotheller, a waste-thrift, 4a common surfeiter, and, to conclude, a beggar? Must 5sin in him call up shame in me? Since we have no part in their 6follies, why should we have part in their infamies? For my strict 7hand towards his mortgage, that I deny not; I confess I had an 8uncle’s pen’worth. Let me see, half in half, true. I saw neither 9hope of his reclaiming nor comfort in his being, and was it not 10then better bestow’d upon his uncle than upon one of his aunts? 11I need not say ‘bawd’, for everyone knows what ‘aunt’ stands 12for in the last translation. [Enter Servant] 13Now, sir?

SERVANT

14There’s a country serving-man, sir, attends to speak with 15your worship.

LUCRE

16I’m at best leisure now; send him in to me.

[Exit Servant.]

Enter Host, like a serving-man

HOST

17Bless your venerable worship.

LUCRE

18Welcome, good fellow.

HOST

19[Aside] He calls me thief at first sight, yet he little thinks 20 I am an host.

LUCRE

21What’s thy business with me?

HOST

22Faith, sir, I am sent from my mistress to any sufficient 23gentleman indeed, to ask advice upon a doubtful point. ‘Tis 24indifferent, sir, to whom I come, for I know none, nor did my 25mistress direct me to any particular man, for she’s as mere a 26stranger here as myself; only I found your worship within, and 27‘tis a thing I ever lov’d, sir, to be dispatch’d as soon as I can.

LUCRE

28[Aside] A good blunt honesty; I like him well.—What is 29thy mistress?

HOST

30Faith, a country gentlewoman, and a widow, sir. Yesterday 31was the first flight of us, but now she intends to stay until 32a little term business be ended.

LUCRE

33Her name, I prithee.

HOST

34It runs there in the writings, sir, among her lands, Widow 35Medlar.

LUCRE

36Medlar? Mass, have I ne’er heard of that widow?

HOST

37Yes, I warrant you, have you, sir; not the rich widow in 38Staffordshire?

LUCRE

39Cuds me, there ‘tis, indeed. Thou hast put me into 40memory. There’s a widow indeed! Ah, that I were a bachelor 41again.

HOST

42No doubt your worship might do much then, but she’s 43fairly promis’d to a bachelor already.

LUCRE

44Ah, what is he, I prithee?

HOST

45A country gentleman too, one whom your worship 46knows not, I’m sure; h’as spent some few follies in his youth, but 47marriage, by my faith, begins to call him home. My mistress 48loves him, sir, and love covers faults, you know. One Master 49Witgood, if ever you have heard of the gentleman.

LUCRE

50Ha! Witgood, say’st thou?

HOST

51That’s his name indeed, sir. My mistress is like to bring 52him to a goodly seat yonder; four hundred a year, by my faith.

LUCRE

53But, I pray, take me with you.

HOST

54Ay, sir.

LUCRE

55What countryman might this young Witgood be?

HOST

56A Leicestershire gentleman, sir.

LUCRE

57[Aside] My nephew. By th’ mass, my nephew. I’ll fetch 58 out more of this, i’ faith; a simple country fellow, I’ll work’t out 59 of him.—And is that gentleman, say’st thou, presently to marry 60her?

HOST

61Faith, he brought her up to town, sir; h’as the best card in 62all the bunch for’t, her heart; and I know my mistress will be 63married ere she go down. Nay, I’ll swear that, for she’s none 64of those widows that will go down first and be married after; 65she hates that, I can tell you, sir.

LUCRE

66By my faith, sir, she is like to have a proper gentleman 67and a comely; I’ll give her that gift.

HOST

68Why, does your worship know him, sir?

LUCRE

69I know him? Does not all the world know him? Can a 70man of such exquisite qualities be hid under a bushel?

HOST

71Then your worship may save me a labour, for I had 72charge given me to inquire after him.

LUCRE

73Inquire of him? If I might counsel thee, thou shouldst 74ne’er trouble thyself further. Inquire of him of no more but of 75me; I’ll fit thee. I grant he has been youthful, but is he not now 76reclaim’d? Mark you that, sir. Has not your mistress, think you, 77been wanton in her youth? If men be wags, are there not women 78wagtails?

HOST

79No doubt, sir.

LUCRE

80Does not he return wisest that comes home whipp’d 81with his own follies?

HOST

82Why, very true, sir.

LUCRE

83The worst report you can hear of him, I can tell you, is 84that he has been a kind gentleman, a liberal, and a worthy; who 85but lusty Witgood, thrice-noble Witgood?

HOST

86Since your worship has so much knowledge in him, can 87you resolve me, sir, what his living might be? My duty binds 88me, sir, to have a care of my mistress’ estate. She has been ever 89a good mistress to me, though I say it. Many wealthy suitors 90has she nonsuited for his sake; yet, though her love be so 91fix’d, a man cannot tell whether his nonperformance may help 92to remove it, sir. He makes us believe he has lands and living.

LUCRE

93Who? Young Master Witgood? Why believe it, he has 94as goodly a fine living out yonder—what do you call the 95place?

HOST

96Nay, I know not, i’ faith.

LUCRE

97Hum. See like a beast, if I have not forgot the name. 98Pooh! And out yonder again, goodly grown woods and fair 99meadows—Pax on’t, I can ne’er hit of that place neither. He? 100Why, he’s Witgood of Witgood Hall; he, an unknown thing?

HOST

101Is he so, sir? To see how rumour will alter! Trust me, 102sir, we heard once he had no lands, but all lay mortgag’d to an 103uncle he has in town here.

LUCRE

104Push! ‘Tis a tale, ‘tis a tale.

HOST

105I can assure you, sir, ‘twas credibly reported to my 106mistress.

LUCRE

107Why, do you think, i’ faith, he was ever so simple to 108mortgage his lands to his uncle, or his uncle so unnatural to 109take the extremity of such a mortgage?

HOST

110That was my saying still, sir.

LUCRE

111Pooh! Ne’er think it.

HOST

112Yet that report goes current.

LUCRE

113

Nay, then, you urge me.

114

Cannot I tell that best that am his uncle.

HOST

115How, sir! What have I done?

LUCRE

116Why, how now? In a sound, man?

HOST

117Is your worship his uncle, sir?

LUCRE

118Can that be any harm to you, sir?

HOST

119I do beseech you, sir, do me the favour to conceal it. 120What a beast was I to utter so much! Pray, sir, do me the 121kindness to keep it in. I shall have my coat pull’d o’er my ears 122an’t should be known; for the truth is, an’t please your worship, 123to prevent much rumour and many suitors, they intend to be 124married very suddenly and privately.

LUCRE

125And dost thou think it stands with my judgment to do 126them injury? Must I needs say the knowledge of this marriage 127comes from thee? Am I a fool at fifty-four? Do I lack subtlety 128now, that have got all my wealth by it? There’s a leash of 129angels for thee. Come, let me woo thee. Speak. Where lie 130they?

HOST

131So I might have no anger, sir,—

LUCRE

132Passion of me, not a jot. Prithee, come.

HOST

133I would not have it known it came by my means.

LUCRE

134Why, am I a man of wisdom?

HOST

135I dare trust your worship, sir, but I’m a stranger to your 136house, and to avoid all intelligencers I desire your worship’s ear.

LUCRE

137[Aside] This fellow’s worth a matter of trust.—Come, 138sir. [Host whispers] Why now, thou’rt an honest lad. [Aside] Ah, 139 sirrah nephew!

HOST

140Please you, sir, now I have begun with your worship, 141when shall I attend for your advice upon that doubtful point? 142I must come warily now.

LUCRE

143

Tut, fear thou nothing.

144

Tomorrow’s evening shall resolve the doubt.

HOST

145The time shall cause my attendance.

Exit.

LUCRE

146Fare thee well. There’s more true honesty in such a 147country serving-man than in a hundred of our cloak companions. 148I may well call ‘em companions, for since blue coats 149have been turn’d into cloaks, we can scarce know the man from 150the master. George!

[Enter George]

GEORGE

151Anon, sir.

LUCRE

152List hither. [Whispers] Keep the place secret. Commend 153me to my nephew. I know no cause, tell him, but he might see 154his uncle.

GEORGE

155I will, sir.

LUCRE

156

And, do you hear, sir?

157

Take heed you use him with respect and duty.

GEORGE

158[Aside] Here’s a strange alteration. One day he must be 159 turn’d out like a beggar, and now he must be call’d in like a 160 knight.

Exit.

LUCRE

161Ah, sirrah, that rich widow! Four hundred a year! 162Beside, I hear she lays claim to a title of a hundred more. 163This falls unhappily that he should bear a grudge to me now, 164being likely to prove so rich. What is’t, trow, that he makes me a 165stranger for? Hum, I hope he has not so much wit to apprehend 166that I cozened him; he deceives me then. Good Heaven, who 167would have thought it would ever have come to this pass? 168Yet he’s a proper gentleman, i’ faith, give him his due. Marry, 169that’s his mortgage, but that I ne’er mean to give him. I’ll 170make him rich enough in words, if that be good; and if it 171come to a piece of money, I will not greatly stick for’t. There 172may be hope some of the widow’s lands too may one day fall 173upon me, if things be carried wisely. [Enter George] 174Now, sir, where is he?

GEORGE

175He desires your worship to hold him excused; he has 176such weighty business it commands him wholly from all men.

LUCRE

177Were those my nephew’s words?

GEORGE

178Yes, indeed, sir.

LUCRE

179[Aside] When men grow rich they grow proud too, I 180 perceive that. He would not have sent me such an answer once 181 within this twelvemonth; see what ‘tis when a man’s come to his 182 lands.—Return to him again, sir; tell him his uncle desires his 183company for an hour. I’ll trouble him but an hour, say; ‘tis for 184his own good, tell him, and—do you hear, sir?—put ‘worship’ 185upon him. Go to, do as I bid you. He’s like to be a gentleman 186of worship very shortly.

GEORGE

187[Aside] This is good sport, i’ faith.

Exit.

LUCRE

188Troth, he uses his uncle discourteously now. Can he tell 189what I may do for him? Goodness may come from me in a minute 190that comes not in seven year again. He knows my humour; 191I am not so usually good. ‘Tis no small thing that draws 192kindness from me; he may know that, and he will. The chief 193cause that invites me to do him most good is the sudden astonishing 194of old Hoard, my adversary. How pale his malice will look 195at my nephew’s advancement! With what a dejected spirit he 196will behold his fortunes, whom but last day he proclaimed rioter, 197penurious makeshift, despised brothel-master! Ha, ha! ‘Twill 198do me more secret joy than my last purchase, more precious 199comfort than all these widows’ revenues.— Enter [George and] and Witgood 200Now, sir.

GEORGE

201With much entreaty he’s at length come, sir.

[Exit.]

LUCRE

202Oh, nephew, let me salute you, sir; you’re welcome, 203nephew.

WITGOOD

204Uncle, I thank you.

LUCRE

205Y’ave a fault, nephew: You’re a stranger here. Well, 206Heaven give you joy!

WITGOOD

207Of what, sir?

LUCRE

208

Ha, we can hear.

209

You might have known your uncle’s house, i’ faith,

210

You and your widow. Go to, you were to blame,

211

If I may tell you so without offence.

WITGOOD

212

How could you hear of that, sir?

LUCRE

Oh, pardon me!

213

It was your will to have it kept from me, I perceive now.

WITGOOD

214Not for any defect of love, I protest, uncle.

LUCRE

215Oh, ‘twas unkindness, nephew. Fie, fie, fie!

WITGOOD

216I am sorry you take it in that sense, sir.

LUCRE

217Pooh! You cannot colour it, i’ faith, nephew.

WITGOOD

218Will you but hear what I can say in my just excuse, sir?

LUCRE

219Yes, faith, will I, and welcome.

WITGOOD

220You that know my danger i’ th’ city, sir, so well, how great 221my debts are, and how extreme my creditors, could not out of 222your pure judgment, sir, have wish’d us hither.

LUCRE

223Mass, a firm reason indeed.

WITGOOD

224Else my uncle’s house, why, ‘t ‘ad been the only make-match—

LUCRE

225Nay, and thy credit.

WITGOOD

226My credit? Nay, my countenance! Push! Nay, I know, 227uncle, you would have wrought it so. By your wit you would 228have made her believe in time the whole house had been mine—

LUCRE

229Ay, and most of the goods too.

WITGOOD

230La, you there. Well, let ‘em all prate what they will, there’s 231nothing like the bringing of a widow to one’s uncle’s house.

LUCRE

232Nay, let nephews be ruled as they list, they shall find 233their uncle’s house the most natural place when all’s done.

WITGOOD

234There they may be bold.

LUCRE

235Life, they may do anything there, man, and fear neither 236beadle nor sum’ner. An uncle’s house, a very Cole Harbour! 237Sirrah, I’ll touch thee near now. Hast thou so much interest in 238thy widow that by a token thou couldst presently send for her?

WITGOOD

239Troth, I think I can, uncle.

LUCRE

240Go to, let me see that.

WITGOOD

241Pray, command one of your men hither, uncle.

LUCRE

242George!

[Enter George]

GEORGE

243Here, sir.

LUCRE

244Attend my nephew. [Witgood and George speak apart] 245[Aside] I love a’ life to prattle with a rich widow; ‘tis pretty, 246 methinks, when our tongues go together, and then to promise 247 much and perform little. I love that sport a’ life, i’ faith, yet I am 248 in the mood now to do my nephew some good, if he take me 249 handsomely.— [Exit George.] 250What, have you dispatch’d?

WITGOOD

251I ha’ sent, sir.

LUCRE

252Yet I must condemn you of unkindness, nephew.

WITGOOD

253Heaven forbid, uncle!

LUCRE

254Yes, faith, must I. Say your debts be many, your creditors 255importunate, yet the kindness of a thing is all, nephew; you 256might have sent me close word on’t, without the least danger or 257prejudice to your fortunes.

WITGOOD

258Troth, I confess it, uncle; I was too blame there, but indeed 259my intent was to have clapp’d it up suddenly, and so have broke 260forth like a joy to my friends and a wonder to the world. 261Beside, there’s a trifle of a forty-pound matter towards the 262setting of me forth. My friends should ne’er have known on’t; 263I meant to make shift for that myself.

LUCRE

264How, nephew! Let me not hear such a word again, I 265beseech you. Shall I be beholding to you?

WITGOOD

266To me? Alas, what do you mean, uncle?

LUCRE

267I charge you, upon my love. You trouble nobody but 268myself.

WITGOOD.

269Y’ave no reason for that, uncle.

LUCRE

270Troth, I’ll ne’er be friends with you while you live and 271you do.

WITGOOD

272Nay, and you say so, uncle. Here’s my hand; I will not 273do’t—

LUCRE

274Why, well said. There’s some hope in thee when thou 275wilt be ruled. I’ll make it up fifty, faith, because I see thee so 276reclaimed. Peace, here comes my wife with Sam, her tother 277husband’s son.

[Enter Wife and Sam Freedom]

WITGOOD

278Good aunt,—

SAM

279Cousin Witgood! I rejoice in my salute; you’re most 280welcome to this noble city, govern’d with the sword in the 281scabbard.

WITGOOD

282[Aside] And the wit in the pommel!—Good Master Sam 283Freedom, I return the salute.

LUCRE

284By the mass, she’s coming, wife; let me see now how 285thou wilt entertain her.

WIFE

286I hope I am not to learn, sir, to entertain a widow; ‘tis 287not so long ago since I was one myself.

[Enter Courtesan]

WITGOOD

288Uncle,—

LUCRE

289She’s come indeed.

WITGOOD

290My uncle was desirous to see you, widow, and I presum’d to 291invite you.

COURTESAN

292The presumption was nothing. Master Witgood. Is this 293your uncle, sir?

LUCRE

294Marry am I, sweet widow, and his good uncle he shall 295find me. Ay, by this smack that I give thee, thou’rt welcome. 296Wife, bid the widow welcome the same way again.

SAM

297[Aside] I am a gentleman now too, by my father’s occupation, 298 and I see no reason but I may kiss a widow by my father’s 299 copy. Truly, I think the charter is not against it; surely these 300 are the words: ‘The son, once a gentleman, may revel it, 301 though his father were a dauber’. ‘Tis about the fifteenth page. 302 I’ll to her.

[Attempts to kiss the Courtesan and is repulsed]

LUCRE

303Y’are not very busy now; a word with thee, sweet 304widow.

SAM

305[Aside] Coad’s nigs! I was never so disgrac’d since the hour 306 my mother whipp’d me!

LUCRE

307Beside, I have no child of mine own to care for; she’s my 308second wife, old, past bearing. Clap sure to him, widow; he’s 309like to be my heir, I can tell you.

COURTESAN

310Is he so, sir?

LUCRE

311He knows it already, and the knave’s proud on’t. Jolly 312rich widows have been offer’d him here i’ th’ city, great merchants’ 313wives, and do you think he would once look upon ‘em? 314Forsooth, he’ll none. You are beholding to him i’ th’ country 315then, ere we could be; nay, I’ll hold a wager, widow, if he were 316once known to be in town, he would be presently sought after; 317nay, and happy were they that could catch him first.

COURTESAN

318I think so.

LUCRE

319Oh, there would be such running to and fro, widow, he 320should not pass the streets for ‘em; he’d be took up in one great 321house or other presently. Faugh, they know he has it and must 322have it. You see this house here, widow? This house and all 323comes to him! Goodly rooms ready furnish’d, ceil’d with plaster 324of Paris, and all hung about with cloth of arras. Nephew!

WITGOOD

325Sir?

LUCRE

326Show the widow your house. Carry her into all the rooms 327and bid her welcome. You shall see, widow. [Aside] Nephew, 328 strike all sure above and thou be’st a good boy. Ah,—

WITGOOD

329Alas, sir, I know not how she would take it.

LUCRE

330The right way, I warrant ’ee. A pox! Art an ass? Would 331I were in thy stead. Get you up! I am asham’d of you. [Exeunt Witgood and Courtesan.] 332[Aside] So, let ‘em agree as they will now. Many a match has been 333 struck up in my house i’ this fashion. Let ’em try all manner of 334 ways, still there’s nothing like an uncle’s house to strike the 335 stroke in. I’ll hold my wife in talk a little.—Now, Jenny, your 336son there goes a-wooing to a poor gentlewoman but of a 337thousand portion; see my nephew, a lad of less hope, strikes at 338four hundred a year in good rubbish.

WIFE

339Well, we must do as we may, sir.

LUCRE

340I’ll have his money ready told for him again he come 341down. Let me see too. By th’ mass, I must present the widow 342with some jewel, a good piece of plate, or such a device; ‘twill 343hearten her on well. I have a very fair standing cup, and a good 344high standing cup will please a widow above all other pieces.

Exit.

WIFE

345Do you mock us with your nephew? I have a plot in my 346head, son; i’ faith, husband, to cross you.

SAM

347Is it a tragedy plot or a comedy plot, good mother?

WIFE

348‘Tis a plot shall vex him. I charge you, of my blessing, son 349Sam, that you presently withdraw the action of your love from 350Master Hoard’s niece.

SAM

351How, mother!

WIFE

352Nay, I have a plot in my head, i’ faith. Here, take this 353chain of gold and this fair diamond. Dog me the widow home to 354her lodging, and at thy best opportunity fasten ‘em both upon 355her. Nay, I have a reach I can tell you. Thou art known what 356thou art, son, among the right worshipful, all the twelve companies.

SAM

357Truly, I thank ‘em for it.

WIFE

358He? He’s a scab to thee! And so certify her thou hast two 359hundred a year of thyself, besides thy good parts, a proper 360person and a lovely. If I were a widow I could find it in my heart 361to have thee myself, son, ay, from ‘em all.

SAM

362Thank you for your good will, mother, but indeed I had 363rather have a stranger. And if I woo her not in that violent 364fashion, that I will make her be glad to take these gifts ere I 365leave her, let me never be called the heir of your body.

WIFE

366Nay, I know there’s enough in you, son, if you once come 367to put it forth.

SAM

368I’ll quickly make a bolt or a shaft on’t.

Exeunt.

[ACT II SCENE 2]

[A street in London]

Enter Moneylove and [Walkadine] Hoard

MONEYLOVE

1Faith, Master Hoard, I have bestowed many months 2in the suit of your niece, such was the dear love I ever bore to her 3virtues, but since she hath so extremely denied me, I am to 4lay out for my fortunes elsewhere.

WALKADINE HOARD

5Heaven forbid but you should, sir; I ever told you 6my niece stood otherwise affected.

MONEYLOVE

7I must confess you did, sir; yet in regard of my great 8loss of time and the zeal with which I sought your niece, shall I 9desire one favour of your worship?

WALKADINE HOARD

10In regard of those two, ‘tis hard, but you shall, sir.

MONEYLOVE

11I shall rest grateful. ‘Tis not full three hours, sir, since 12the happy rumour of a rich country widow came to my hearing.

WALKADINE HOARD

13How! A rich country widow?

MONEYLOVE

14Four hundred a year, landed.

WALKADINE HOARD

15Yea?

MONEYLOVE

16Most firm, sir, and I have learn’d her lodging. Here my 17suit begins, sir: If I might but entreat your worship to be a 18countenance for me and speak a good word—for your words 19will pass—I nothing doubt but I might set fair for the widow; 20nor shall your labour, sir, end altogether in thanks—two hundred 21angels—

WALKADINE HOARD

22So, so. What suitors has she?

MONEYLOVE

23There lies the comfort, sir; the report of her is yet but 24a whisper, and only solicited by young riotous Witgood, nephew 25to your mortal adversary.

WALKADINE HOARD

26Ha! Art certain he’s her suitor?

MONEYLOVE

27Most certain, sir, and his uncle very industrious to 28beguile the widow and make up the match.

WALKADINE HOARD

29[Aside] So! Very good.

MONEYLOVE

30Now, sir, you know this young Witgood is a spendthrift, 31dissolute fellow.

WALKADINE HOARD

32A very rascal.

MONEYLOVE

33A midnight surfeiter.

WALKADINE HOARD

34The spume of a brothel-house.

MONEYLOVE

35True, sir; which being well told in your worship’s phrase 36may both heave him out of her mind, and drive a fair way for 37me to the widow’s affections.

WALKADINE HOARD

38Attend me about five.

MONEYLOVE

39With my best care, sir.

Exit.

WALKADINE HOARD

Fool, thou hast left thy treasure with a thief,

To trust a widower with a suit in love!

42Happy revenge, I hug thee. I have not only the means laid before 43me extremely to cross my adversary and confound the last hopes 44of his nephew, but thereby to enrich my state, augment my 45revenues, and build mine own fortunes greater. Ha, ha!

ErrorMetrica

I’ll mar your phrase, o’erturn your flatteries,

Undo your windings, policies, and plots,

Fall like a secret and dispatchful plague

On your secured comforts. Why, I am able

To buy three of Lucre, thrice outbid him,

Let my out-monies be reckon’d and all.

[Moves aside.]

Enter three Creditors

1 CREDITOR

52I am glad of this news.

2 CREDITOR

53So are we, by my faith.

3 CREDITOR

54Young Witgood will be a gallant again now.

WALKADINE HOARD

55[Aside] Peace!

1 CREDITOR

56I promise you, Master Cockpit, she’s a mighty rich 57widow.

2 CREDITOR

58Why, have you ever heard of her?

1 CREDITOR

59Who, widow Medlar? She lies open to much rumour.

3 CREDITOR

60Four hundred a year, they say, in very good land.

1 CREDITOR

61Nay, tak't of my word, if you believe that, you believe 62the least.

2 CREDITOR

63And to see how close he keeps it!

1 CREDITOR

64Oh, sir, there’s policy in that, to prevent better suitors.

3 CREDITOR

65He owes me a hundred pound, and I protest I ne’er 66look’d for a penny.

1 CREDITOR

67He little dreams of our coming; he’ll wonder to see his 68creditors upon him.

Exeunt [Creditors].

WALKADINE HOARD

Good, his creditors. I’ll follow. This makes for me.

All know the widow’s wealth, and ‘tis well known

I can estate her fairly, ay, and will.

In this one chance shines a twice-happy fate;

I both deject my foe and raise my state.

Music. Exit.

Incipit ACT III [SCENE 1]

[A street in London]

[Enter] Witgood and his Creditors

WITGOOD

1Why, alas, my creditors, could you find no other time to 2undo me but now? Rather your malice appears in this than the 3justness of the debt.

1 CREDITOR

4Master Witgood, I have forborne my money long.

WITGOOD

5I pray, speak low, sir. What do you mean?

2 CREDITOR

6We hear you are to married suddenly to a rich 7country widow.

WITGOOD

8What can be kept so close but you creditors hear on’t? 9Well, ‘tis a lamentable state that our chiefest afflicters should 10first hear of our fortunes. Why, this is no good course, i’ faith, 11sirs. If ever you have hope to be satisfied, why do you seek to 12confound the means that should work it? There’s neither piety, 13no, nor policy in that. Shine favourably now, why I may rise and 14spread again, to your great comforts.

1 CREDITOR

15He says true, i’ faith.

WITGOOD

16Remove me now, and I consume for ever.

2 CREDITOR

17Sweet gentleman!

WITGOOD

18How can it thrive which from the sun you sever?

3 CREDITOR

19It cannot indeed.

WITGOOD

Oh, then, show patience; I shall have enough

To satisfy you all.

1 CREDITOR

Ay, if we could

Be content, a shame take us.

WITGOOD

For, look you,

I am but newly sure yet to the widow,

And what a rend might this discredit make!

Within these three days will I bind you lands

For your securities.

1 CREDITOR

No, good Master Witgood;

Would ‘twere as much as we dare trust you with.

WITGOOD

I know you have been kind; however, now

Either by wrong report or false incitement,

Your gentleness is injur’d; in such

A state as this a man cannot want foes.

If on the sudden he begin to rise,

No man that lives can count his enemies.

You had some intelligence, I warrant ye,

From an ill-willer.

2 CREDITOR

36Faith, we heard you brought up a rich widow, sir, and 37were suddenly to marry her.

WITGOOD

38Ay. Why, there it was; I knew ‘twas so. But since you are 39so well resolv’d of my faith toward you, let me be so much 40favour’d of you, I beseech you all—

ALL

41Oh, it shall not need, i’ faith, sir,—

WITGOOD

42As to lie still awhile and bury my debts in silence, till I be 43fully possess’d of the widow. For the truth is, I may tell you as 44my friends—

ALL

45Oh, oh, oh!

WITGOOD

46I am to raise a little money in the city toward the setting 47forth of myself, for mine own credit and your comfort. Now if 48my former debts should be divulg’d, all hope of my proceedings 49were quite extinguish’d.

1 CREDITOR

50 [To Witgood] Do you hear, sir? I may deserve your 51custom hereafter. Pray, let my money be accepted before a 52stranger’s. Here’s forty pound I receiv’d as I came to you; 53if that may stand you in any stead, make use on’t. Nay, pray, 54sir, ‘tis at your service.

WITGOOD

55 [To 1 Creditor] You do so ravish me with kindness that 56I’m constrain’d to play the maid and take it.

1 CREDITOR

57 [To Witgood] Let none of them see it, I beseech you.

WITGOOD

58[Aside] Faugh!

1 CREDITOR

[To Witgood]

I hope I shall be first in your remembrance

After the marriage rites.

WITGOOD

61 [To 1 Creditor] Believe it firmly.

1 CREDITOR

62So.—What, do you walk, sirs?

2 CREDITOR

63I go. [To Witgood] Take no care, sir, for money to 64furnish you. Within this hour I’ll send you sufficient.—Come, 65Master Cockpit, we both stay for you.

3 CREDITOR

66I ha’ lost a ring, i’ faith; I’ll follow you presently. [Exeunt 1 and 2 Creditors] 67But you shall find it, sir. I know your youth and expenses have 68disfunish’d you of all jewels. There’s a ruby of twenty pound 69price, sir; bestow it upon your widow. What, man! ‘Twill call 70up her blood to you. Beside, if I might so much work with you, 71I would not have you beholding to those blood-suckers for 72any money.

WITGOOD

73Not I, believe it.

3 CREDITOR

74Th’are a brace of cutthroats.

WITGOOD

75I know ‘em.

3 CREDITOR

76Send a note of all your wants to my shop, and I’ll supply 77you instantly.

WITGOOD

78Say you so? Why, here’s my hand then; no man living shall 79do’t but thyself.

3 CREDITOR

80Shall I carry it away from ‘em both then?

WITGOOD

81I’ faith, shalt thou.

3 CREDITOR

82Troth, then, I thank you, sir.

WITGOOD

83Welcome, good Master Cockpit. Exit [3 Creditor] 84Ha, ha, ha! Why, is not this better now than lying abed? I 85perceive there’s nothing conjures up wit sooner than poverty, 86and nothing lays it down sooner than wealth and lechery. This 87has some savour yet. Oh that I had the mortgage from mine 88uncle as sure in possession as these trifles, I would forswear 89brothel at noonday and muscadine and eggs at midnight!

Enter Courtesan

COURTESAN

90Master Witgood, where are you?

WITGOOD

91Holla!

COURTESAN

92Rich news!

WITGOOD

93Would ‘twere all in plate!

COURTESAN

94There’s some in chains and jewels. I am so haunted with 95suitors, Master Witgood, I know not which to dispatch first.

WITGOOD

96You have the better term, by my faith!

COURTESAN

Among the number,

One Master Hoard, an ancient gentleman.

WITGOOD

99Upon my life, my uncle’s adversary!

COURTESAN

100

It may well hold so, for he rails on you,

101

Speaks shamefully of him.

WITGOOD

As I could wish it.

COURTESAN

102

I first denied him, but so cunningly

103

It rather promis’d him assured hopes

104

Than any loss of labour.

WITGOOD

Excellent.

COURTESAN

105

I expect him every hour, with gentlemen

106

With whom he labours to make good his words,

107

To approve you riotous, your state consum’d,

108

Your uncle—

WITGOOD

109Wench, make up thy own fortunes now; do thyself a good 110turn once in thy days. He’s rich in money, movables, and lands. 111Marry him. He’s an old doting fool, and that’s worth all. Marry 112him. ‘Twould be a great comfort to me to see thee do well, i’ faith. 113Marry him. ‘Twould ease my conscience well to see thee well 114bestow’d. I have a care of thee, i’ faith.

COURTESAN

115Thanks, sweet Master Witgood.

WITGOOD

116I reach at farther happiness. First, I am sure it can be no 117harm to thee, and there may happen goodness to me by it. 118Prosecute it well. Let’s send up for our wits, now we require 119their best and most pregnant assistance.

COURTESAN

120Step in. I think I hear ‘em.

Exeunt

[ACT III SCENE 2]

[The Courtesan’s lodgings]

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard and Gentlemen, with the Host [as] serving-man

WALKADINE HOARD

1Art thou the widow’s man? By my faith, sh’as a company 2of proper men then.

HOST

3I am the worst of six, sir, good enough for blue coats.

WALKADINE HOARD

4Hark hither. I hear say thou art in most credit with 5her.

HOST

6Not so, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

7Come, come, thou’rt modest. There’s a brace of 8royals; prithee, help me to th’ speech of her.

HOST

9I’ll do what I may, sir, always saving myself harmless.

WALKADINE HOARD

10Go to. Do’t, I say. Thou shalt hear better from me.

HOST

11[Aside] Is not this a better place than five mark a year 12 standing wages? Say a man had but three such clients in a day, 13 methinks he might make a poor living on’t. Beside, I was never 14 brought up with so little honesty to refuse any man’s money. 15 Never! What gulls there are a’ this side the world! Now know I 16 the widow’s mind, none but my young master comes in her 17 clutches. Ha, ha, ha!

Exit

WALKADINE HOARD

Now, my dear gentlemen, stand firmly to me.

You know his follies and my worth.

1 GENTLEMAN

We do, sir.

2 GENTLEMAN

20But, Master Hoard, are you sure he is not i’ th’ house 21now?

WALKADINE HOARD

Upon my honesty, I chose this time

A’ purpose, fit. The spendthrift is abroad.

Assist me; here she comes.

[Enter Courtesan]

Now, my sweet widow.

COURTESAN

Y’are welcome, Master Hoard.

WALKADINE HOARD

[To Gentlemen]

Dispatch, sweet gentlemen, dispatch.—

I am come, widow, to prove those my words

Neither of envy sprung nor of false tongues,

But such as their deserts and actions

Do merit and bring forth; all which these gentlemen,

Well known and better reputed, will confess.

COURTESAN

I cannot tell

How my affections may dispose of me,

But surely if they find him so desertless

They’ll have that reason to withdraw themselves.

And therefore, gentlemen, I do entreat you,

As you are fair in reputation,

And in appearing form, so shine in truth.

I am a widow, and, alas, you know

Soon overthrown; ‘tis a very small thing

That we withstand, our weakness is so great.

Be partial unto neither, but deliver,

Without affection, your opinion.

WALKADINE HOARD

And that will drive it home.

COURTESAN

Nay, I beseech your silence, Master Hoard;

You are a party.

WALKADINE HOARD

Widow, not a word!

1 GENTLEMAN

The better first to work you to belief,

Know neither of us owe him flattery,

Nor tother malice, but unbribed censure,

So help us our best fortunes.

COURTESAN

It suffices.

1 GENTLEMAN

That Witgood is a riotous, undone man,

Imperfect both in fame and in estate,

His debts wealthier than he, and executions

In wait for his due body, we’ll maintain

With our best credit and our dearest blood.

COURTESAN

Nor land nor living, say you? Pray, take heed

You do not wrong the gentleman.

1 GENTLEMAN

What we speak

Our lives and means are ready to make good.

COURTESAN

Alas, how soon are we poor souls beguil’d!

2 GENTLEMAN

And for his uncle,—

WALKADINE HOARD

Let that come to me.

His uncle, a severe extortioner,

A tyrant at a forfeiture, greedy of others’

Miseries, one that would undo his brother,

Nay, swallow up his father if he can,

Within the fathoms of his conscience.

1 GENTLEMAN

Nay, believe it, widow,

You had not only match’d yourself to wants,

But in an evil and unnatural stock.

WALKADINE HOARD

69 [To Gentlemen] Follow hard, gentlemen, follow 70hard!

COURTESAN

Is my love so deceiv’d? Before you all

I do renounce him; on my knees I vow

He ne’er shall marry me.

[Witgood looks in]

WITGOOD

74[Aside] Heaven knows he never meant it!

WALKADINE HOARD

75 [To Gentlemen] There, take her at the bound.

1 GENTLEMAN

Then, with a new and pure affection,

Behold yon gentleman, grave, kind, and rich,

A match worthy yourself. Esteeming him,

You do regard your state.

WALKADINE HOARD

[To 1 Gentleman]

I’ll make her a jointure, say.

1 GENTLEMAN

He can join land to land and will possess you

Of what you can desire.

2 GENTLEMAN

Come, widow, come.

COURTESAN

The world is so deceitful.

1 GENTLEMAN

There, ‘tis deceitful,

Where flattery, want, and imperfection lies.

But none of these in him. Push!

COURTESAN

Pray, sir,—

1 GENTLEMAN

86Come, you widows are ever most backward when you 87should do yourselves most good; but were it to marry a chin not 88worth a hair now, then you would be forward enough. Come, 89clap hands, a match.

WALKADINE HOARD

With all my heart, widow. Thanks, gentlemen;

I will deserve your labour, and thy love.

COURTESAN

Alas, you love not widows but for wealth.

I promise you I ha’ nothing, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

Well said, widow,

Well said! Thy love is all I seek, before

These gentlemen.

COURTESAN

Now I must hope the best.

WALKADINE HOARD

96My joys are such they want to be express’d.

COURTESAN

97But, Master Hoard, one thing I must remember you of 98before these gentlemen, your friends: How shall I suddenly 99avoid the loathed soliciting of that perjur’d Witgood and his 100tedious, dissembling uncle, who this very, very day hath 101appointed a meeting for the same purpose too, where, had not 102truth come forth, I had been undone, utterly undone?

WALKADINE HOARD

103What think you of that, gentlemen?

1 GENTLEMAN

104‘Twas well devis’d.

WALKADINE HOARD

105Hark thee, widow, train out young Witgood single; 106hasten him thither with thee, somewhat before the hour, where, 107at the place appointed, these gentlemen and myself will wait 108the opportunity, where by some sleight, removing him from 109thee, we’ll suddenly enter and surprise thee, carry thee away by 110boat to Cole Harbour, have a priest ready, and there clap it up 111instantly. How lik’st it, widow?

COURTESAN

112In that it pleaseth you, it likes me well.

WALKADINE HOARD

113

I’ll kiss thee for those words. Come, gentlemen;

114

Still must I live a suitor to your favours,

115

Still to your aid beholding.

1 GENTLEMAN

We’re engag’d, sir;

116

‘Tis for our credits now to see’t well ended.

WALKADINE HOARD

117

‘Tis for your honours, gentlemen. Nay, look to’t.

118

Not only in joy, but I in wealth excel.

119

No more sweet widow, but sweet wife, farewell.

COURTESAN

120Farewell, sir.

Exeunt [Walkadine Hoard and Gentlemen]

Enter Witgood

WITGOOD

121Oh for more scope! I could laugh eternally. 122Give you joy, Mistress Hoard! I promis[‘d] your fortune was 123good, forsooth; y’ave fell upon wealth enough, and there’s 124young gentlemen enow can help you to the rest. Now it requires 125our wits. Carry thyself but heedfully now, and we are both—

[Enter Host]

HOST

126Master Witgood, your uncle—

WITGOOD

127Cuds me! Remove thyself a while; I’ll serve for him.

[Exeunt Courtesan and Host]

Enter Lucre

LUCRE

128Nephew, good morrow, nephew.

WITGOOD

129The same to you, kind uncle.

LUCRE

130How fares the widow? Does the meeting hold?

WITGOOD

131Oh, no question of that, sir.

LUCRE

132I’ll strike the stroke then for thee; no more days.

WITGOOD

133The sooner the better, uncle. Oh, she’s mightily followed.

LUCRE

134And yet so little rumour’d.

WITGOOD

135Mightily! Here comes one old gentleman, and he’ll make 136her a jointure of three hundred a year, forsooth; another wealthy 137suitor will estate his son in his lifetime, and make him weigh 138down the widow; here’s a merchant’s son will possess her with 139no less than three goodly lordships at once, which were all 140pawns to his father.

LUCRE

141Peace, nephew, let me hear no more of ‘em; it mads me. 142Thou shalt prevent ‘em all. No words to the widow of my 143coming hither. Let me see, ‘tis now upon nine; before twelve, 144nephew, we will have the bargain struck. We will, faith, boy.

[Exit]

WITGOOD

145Oh, my precious uncle!

[ACT III SCENE 3]

[Walkadine Hoard’s house]

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard and his Niece

WALKADINE HOARD

1Niece, sweet niece, prithee have a care to my house. 2I leave all to thy discretion. Be content to dream awhile; 3I’ll have a husband for thee shortly. Put that care upon me, 4wench, for in choosing wives and husbands I am only fortunate; 5I have that gift given me.

Exit.

NIECE

But ‘tis not likely you should choose for me,

Since nephew to your chiefest enemy

Is he whom I affect. But, O forgetful,

Why dost thou flatter thy affections so,

With name of him that for a widow’s bed

Neglects thy purer love? Can it be so,

Or does report dissemble?

[Enter George]

How now, sir?

GEORGE

A letter, with which came a private charge.

NIECE

Therein I thank your care.

[Exit George]

I know this hand.

Reads

15‘Dearer than sight, what the world reports of me yet believe 16not. Rumour will alter shortly. Be thou constant. I am still the 17same that I was in love, and I hope to be the same in fortunes. 18Theodorus Witgood.’

ErrorMetrica

I am resolv’d. No more shall fear or doubt

Raise their pale powers to keep affection out.

Exit

[ACT III SCENE 4]

[An inn]

Enter, with a Drawer, [Walkadine] Hoard and two Gentlemen

DRAWER

1You’re very welcome, gentlemen. Dick, show these 2gentlemen the Pom’granate there.

WALKADINE HOARD

3Hist!

DRAWER

4Up those stairs, gentlemen.

WALKADINE HOARD

5Pist, drawer!

DRAWER

6Anon, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

7Prithee, ask at the bar if a gentlewoman came not in 8lately.

DRAWER

9William, at the bar! Did you see any gentlewoman 10come in lately? Speak you ay, speak you no?

WITHIN

11No, none came in yet but Mistress Florence.

DRAWER

12He says none came in yet, sir, but one Mistress 13Florence.

WALKADINE HOARD

14What is that Florence? A widow?

DRAWER

15Yes, a Dutch widow.

WALKADINE HOARD

16How!

DRAWER

17That’s an English drab, sir. Give your worship good 18morrow.

[Exit]

WALKADINE HOARD

19A merry knave, i’ faith! I shall remember ‘a Dutch 20widow’ the longest day of my life.

1 GENTLEMAN

21Did not I use most art to win the widow?

2 GENTLEMAN

22You shall pardon me for that, sir; Master Hoard knows 23I took her at best ‘vantage.

WALKADINE HOARD

24What’s that, sweet gentlemen, what’s that?

2 GENTLEMAN

25He will needs bear me down that his art only wrought 26with the widow most.

WALKADINE HOARD

27Oh, you did both well, gentlemen, you did both well, 28I thank you.

1 GENTLEMAN

I was the first that mov’d her.

WALKADINE HOARD

You were, i’ faith.

2 GENTLEMAN

30But it was I that took her at the bound.

WALKADINE HOARD

31Ay, that was you; faith, gentlemen, ‘tis right.

1 GENTLEMAN

32I boasted least, but ‘twas I join’d their hands.

WALKADINE HOARD

33By th’ mass, I think he did. You did all well, 34Gentlemen, you did all well. Contend no more.

1 GENTLEMAN

Come, yon room’s fittest.

WALKADINE HOARD

True, ‘tis next the door.

Exeunt

Enter [Drawer,] Witgood, Courtesan, and Host

DRAWER

36You’re very welcome. Please you to walk upstairs; 37cloth’s laid, sir.

COURTESAN

38Upstairs? Troth, I am weary, Master Witgood.

WITGOOD

39Rest yourself here awhile, widow. We’ll have a cup of 40muscadine in this little room.

DRAWER

41A cup of muscadine? You shall have the best, sir.

WITGOOD

42But, do you hear, sirrah?

DRAWER

43Do you call? Anon, sir.

WITGOOD

44What is there provided for dinner?

DRAWER

45I cannot readily tell you, sir. If you please, you may 46go into the kitchen and see yourself, sir. Many gentlemen of 47worship do use to do it, I assure you, sir.

[Exit]

HOST

48A pretty familiar, priggin’ rascal! He has his part without 49book.

WITGOOD

50Against you are ready to drink to me, widow, I’ll be present 51to pledge you.

COURTESAN

52Nay, I commend your care; ‘tis done well of you. [Exit Witgood] 53Alas, what have I forgot?

HOST

54What, mistress?

COURTESAN

55I slipp’d my wedding ring off when I wash’d, and left it 56at my lodging. Prithee, run. I shall be sad without it. [Exit Host] 57So, he’s gone. Boy!

[Enter Boy]

BOY

58Anon, forsooth.

COURTESAN

59Come hither, sirrah. Learn secretly if one Master Hoard, 60an ancient gentleman, be about house.

BOY

61I heard such a one nam’d.

COURTESAN

62Commend me to him.

[Exit Boy]

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard with Gentlemen

WALKADINE HOARD

63I’ll do thy commendations.

COURTESAN

64Oh, you come well. Away! To boat! Begone!

WALKADINE HOARD

65Thus wise men are reveng’d, give two for one.

Exeunt

Enter Witgood and Vintner

WITGOOD

I must request

You, sir, to show extraordinary care.

My uncle comes with gentlemen, his friends,

And ‘tis upon a making.

VINTNER

Is it so?

I’ll give a special charge, good Master Witgood.

May I be bold to see her?

WITGOOD

Who, the widow?

With all my heart, i’ faith. I’ll bring you to her.

VINTNER

73If she be a Staffordshire gentlewoman, ‘tis much if I know 74her not.

WITGOOD

75How now? Boy! Drawer!

VINTNER

76Hie!

[Enter Boy]

BOY

77Do you call, sir?

WITGOOD

78Went the gentlewoman up that was here?

BOY

79Up, sir? She went out, sir.

WITGOOD

80Out, sir?

BOY

81Out, sir. One Master Hoard, with a guard of gentlemen, 82carried her out at back door a pretty while since, sir.

[Exit Boy]

WITGOOD

83Hoard? Death and darkness! Hoard?

Enter Host

HOST

84The devil of ring I can find!

WITGOOD

85How now? What news? Where’s the widow?

HOST

86My mistress? Is she not here, sir?

WITGOOD

More madness yet!

HOST

She sent me for a ring.

WITGOOD

88A plot, a plot! To boat! She’s stole away.

HOST

89What?

Enter Lucre with Gentlemen

WITGOOD

90Follow! Inquire! Old Hoard, my uncle’s adversary,—

[Exit Host]

LUCRE

Nephew, what’s that?

WITGOOD

Thrice-miserable wretch!

LUCRE

Why, what’s the matter?

VINTNER

The widow’s borne away, sir.

LUCRE

93Ha! Passion of me! A heavy welcome, gentlemen.

1 GENTLEMAN

94The widow gone?

LUCRE

95Who durst attempt it?

WITGOOD

96Who but old Hoard, my uncle’s adversary?

LUCRE

97How!

WITGOOD

98With his confederates.

LUCRE

Hoard, my deadly enemy! Gentlemen, stand to me.

100

I will not bear it. ‘Tis in hate of me

101

That villain seeks my shame, nay, thirsts my blood.

102

He owes me mortal malice.

103

I’ll spend my wealth on this despiteful plot,

104

Ere he shall cross me and my nephew thus.

WITGOOD

105So maliciously!

Enter Host

LUCRE

106How now, you treacherous rascal?

HOST

107That’s none of my name, sir.

WITGOOD

108Poor soul, he knew not on’t.

LUCRE

109

I’m sorry. I see then ‘twas a mere plot.

HOST

110

I trac’d ‘em nearly,—

LUCRE

Well?

HOST

And hear for certain

111

They have took Cole Harbour.

LUCRE

The devil’s sanctuary!

112

They shall not rest. I’ll pluck her from his arms.

113

Kind and dear gentlemen,

114

If ever I had seat within your breasts,—

1 GENTLEMAN

115

No more, good sir. It is a wrong to us

116

To see you injur’d. In a cause so just

117

We’ll spend our lives, but we will right our friends.

LUCRE

118

Honest and kind! Come, we have delay’d too long.

119

Nephew, take comfort; a just cause is strong.

WITGOOD

120

That’s all my comfort, uncle.

Exeunt [Lucre, Gentlemen and Host]

Ha, ha, ha!

121

Now may events fall luckily and well;

122

He that ne’er strives, says wit, shall ne’er excel.

Exit

[ACT III SCENE 5]

[Dampit’s house]

Enter Dampit, the usurer, drunk

DAMPIT

1When did I say my prayers? In anno ‘88, when the 2great armada was coming, and in anno ‘99, when the great 3thund’ring and lightning was. I pray’d heartily then, i’ faith, to 4overthrow Povey’s new buildings. I kneel’d by my great iron 5chest, I remember.

[Enter Audrey]

AUDREY

6Master Dampit, one may hear you before they see you. 7You keep sweet hours, Master Dampit. We were all abed three 8hours ago.

DAMPIT

9Audrey?

AUDREY

10Oh, y’are a fine gentleman!

DAMPIT

11So I am, i’ faith, and a fine scholar. Do you use to go 12to bed so early, Audrey?

AUDREY

13Call you this early, Master Dampit?

DAMPIT

14Why, is’t not one of clock i’ th’ morning? Is not that 15early enough? Fetch me a glass of fresh beer.

AUDREY

16Here, I have warm’d your nightcap for you, Master 17Dampit.

DAMPIT

18Draw it on then, I am very weak truly. I have not eaten 19so much as the bulk of an egg these three days.

AUDREY

20You have drunk the more, Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

21What’s that?

AUDREY

22You mought and you would, Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

23I answer you, I cannot. Hold your prating. You prate 24too much and understand too little. Are you answered? Give 25me a glass of beer.

AUDREY

26May I ask you how you do, Master Dampit?

DAMPIT

27How do I? I’ faith, naught.

AUDREY

28I ne’er knew you do otherwise.

DAMPIT

29I eat not one penn’ort’ of bread these two years. Give 30me a glass of fresh beer, I am not sick, nor I am not well.

AUDREY

31Take this warm napkin about your neck, sir, whilst I 32help you make you unready.

DAMPIT

33How now, Audrey-prater, with your scurvy devices, 34what say you now?

AUDREY

35What say I, Master Dampit? I say nothing but that you 36are very weak.

DAMPIT

37Faith, thou hast more cony-catching devices than all 38London.

AUDREY

39Why, Master Dampit, I never deceiv’d you in all my life.

DAMPIT

40Why was that? Because I never did trust thee.

AUDREY

41I care not what you say, Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

42Hold thy prating. I answer thee, thou art a beggar, a 43quean, and a bawd. Are you answer’d?

AUDREY

44Fie, Master Dampit! A gentleman, and have such 45words!

DAMPIT

46Why, thou base drudge of infortunity, thou kitchen-stuff 47drab of beggary, roguery, and coxcombry, thou cavernesed 48quean of foolery, knavery, and bawdreaminy, I’ll tell 49thee what, I will not give a louse for thy fortunes.

AUDREY

50No, Master Dampit, and there’s a gentleman comes 51a-wooing to me, and he doubts nothing but that you will get 52me from him.

DAMPIT

53I? If I would either have thee or lie with thee for two 54thousand pound, would I might be damn’d! Why, thou base, 55impudent quean of foolery, flattery, and coxcombry, are you 56answer’d?

AUDREY

57Come, will you rise and go to bed, sir?

DAMPIT

58Rise and go to bed too, Audrey. How does Mistress 59Proserpine?

AUDREY

60Fooh!

DAMPIT

61She’s as fine a philosopher of a stinkard’s wife as any 62within the liberties. Faugh, faugh, Audrey!

AUDREY

63How now, Master Dampit?

DAMPIT

64Fie upon’t, what a choice of stinks here is! What hast 65thou done, Audrey? Fie upon’t, here’s a choice of stinks indeed! 66Give me a glass of fresh beer, and then I will to bed.

AUDREY

67It waits for you above, sir.

DAMPIT

68Fooh, I think they burn horns in Barnard’s Inn. If 69ever I smell’d such an abominable stink, usury forsake me.

[Exit]

AUDREY

70They be the stinking nails of his trampling feet, and he 71talks of burning of horns.

Exit

Incipit ACT IV [SCENE 1]

[A house at Cole Harbour]

Enter, at Cole Harbour, [Walkadine] Hoard, the Widow, and Gentlemen, he married now

1 GENTLEMAN

Join hearts, join hands,

In wedlock’s bands;

Never to part,

Till death cleave your heart.

You shall forsake all other women;

You, lords, knights, gentlemen, and yeomen.

What my tongue slips

Make up with your lips.

WALKADINE HOARD

Give you joy, Mistress Hoard; let the kiss come about.

Who knocks? Convey my little pig-eater out.

LUCRE

[Within]

Hoard!

WALKADINE HOARD

Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen!

LUCRE

[Within]

Hoard, open the door or we will force it ope.

Give us the widow.

WALKADINE HOARD

Gentlemen, keep ‘em out.

LAMPREY

He comes upon his death that enters here.

LUCRE

[Within]

My friends, assist me.

WALKADINE HOARD

He has assistants, gentlemen.

LAMPREY

Tut! Nor him nor them, we in this action fear.

LUCRE

[Within]

Shall I in peace speak one word with the widow?

COURTESAN

Husband and gentlemen, hear me but a word.

WALKADINE HOARD

Freely, sweet wife.

COURTESAN

Let him in peaceably;

You know we’re sure from any act of his.

WALKADINE HOARD

Most true.

COURTESAN

You may stand by and smile at his old weakness.

Let me alone to answer him.

WALKADINE HOARD

Content.

‘Twill be good mirth, i’ faith. How think you, gentlemen?

LAMPREY

Good gullery!

WALKADINE HOARD

Upon calm conditions, let him in.

LUCRE

[Within]

All spite and malice—

LAMPREY

Hear me, Master Lucre.

So you will vow a peaceful entrance

With those your friends, and only exercise

Calm conference with the widow, without fury,

The passage shall receive you.

LUCRE

[Within]

I do vow it.

LAMPREY

Then enter and talk freely. Here she stands.

Enter Lucre [, his friends, and Host]

LUCRE

Oh, Master Hoard, your spite has watch’d the hour.

You’re excellent at vengeance, Master Hoard.

WALKADINE HOARD

35Ha, ha, ha!

LUCRE

I am the fool you laugh at.

You are wise, sir, and know the seasons. Well,

Come hither, widow.

[They speak apart]

Why, is it thus?

Oh, you have done me infinite disgrace

And your own credit no small injury.

Suffer mine enemy so despitefully

To bear you from my nephew? Oh, I had

Rather half my substance had been forfeit

And begg’d by some starv’d rascal.

COURTESAN

Why, what would you wish me do, sir?

I must not overthrow my state for love;

We have too many precedents for that.

From thousands of our wealthy undone widows

One may derive some wit. I do confess

I lov’d your nephew; nay, I did affect him

Against the mind and liking of my friends,

Believ’d his promises, lay here in hope

Of flatter’d living and the boast of lands.

Coming to touch his wealth and state indeed,

It appears dross. I find him not the man;

Imperfect, mean, scarce furnish’d of his needs.

In words, fair lordships; in performance, hovels.

Can any woman love the thing that is not?

LUCRE

Broke you for this?

COURTESAN

Was it not cause too much?

Send to inquire his state. Most part of it

Lay two years mortgag’d in his uncle’s hands.

LUCRE

Why, say it did. You might have known my mind;

I could have soon restor’d it.

COURTESAN

Ay. Had I but seen any such thing perform’d,

Why, ‘twould have tied my affection and contain’d

Me in my first desires. Do you think, i’ faith,

That I could twine such a dry oak as this,

Had promise in your nephew took effect?

LUCRE

Why, and there’s no time pass’d, and rather than

My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,

I would—

COURTESAN

Tut! Y’ave been ever full of golden speech.

If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.

LUCRE

Widow, believe it, I vow by my best bliss,

Before these gentlemen, I will give in

The mortgage to my nephew instantly,

Before I sleep or eat.

1 GENTLEMAN

We’ll pawn our credits,

Widow, what he speaks shall be perform’d

In fullness.

LUCRE

Nay, more. I will estate him

In farther blessings: He shall be my heir.

I have no son.

I’ll bind myself to that condition.

COURTESAN

When I shall hear this done I shall soon yield

To reasonable terms.

LUCRE

In the mean season,

Will you protest, before these gentlemen,

To keep yourself as you are now at this present?

COURTESAN

I do protest, before these gentlemen,

I will be as clear then as I am now.

LUCRE

I do believe you. Here’s your own honest servant;

I’ll take him along with me.

COURTESAN

Ay, with all my heart.

LUCRE

He shall see all perform’d, and bring you word.

COURTESAN

That’s all I wait for.

WALKADINE HOARD

93What, have you finish’d, Master Lucre? Ha, ha, ha, 94ha!

LUCRE

So, laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do.

The wind may turn; you may be laugh’d at too!

Yes, marry, may you, sir. Ha, ha, ha!

Exeunt [Lucre, his friends, and Host].

WALKADINE HOARD

Ha, ha, ha! If every man that swells in malice

Could be reveng’d as happily as I,

100

He would choose hate and forswear amity.

101

What did he say, wife, prithee?

COURTESAN

102

Faith, spoke to ease his mind.

WALKADINE HOARD

103

Oh, oh, oh!

COURTESAN

104

You know now, little to any purpose.

WALKADINE HOARD

105

True, true, true.

COURTESAN

106

He would do mountains now.

WALKADINE HOARD

107

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

LAMPREY

108

Y’ave struck him dead, Master Hoard.

SPITCHCOCK

109

Ay, and his nephew desperate.

WALKADINE HOARD

110

I know’t, sirs, ay.

111

Never did man so crush his enemy.

Exeunt.

[ACT IV SCENE 2]

[Lucre’s house]

Enter Lucre with Gentlemen [and Host], meeting Sam Freedom

LUCRE

1My son-in-law, Sam Freedom, where’s my nephew?

SAM

2O man in lamentation, father!

LUCRE

3How!

SAM

4He thumps his breast like a gallant dicer that has lost 5his doublet, and stands in’s shirt to do penance.

LUCRE

6Alas, poor gentleman!

SAM

7I warrant you may hear him sigh in a still evening to your 8house at Highgate.

LUCRE

9I prithee, send him in.

SAM

10Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick with you, 11sir, in regard you married my mother.

[Exit.]

LUCRE

12Sweet gentlemen, cheer him up. I will but fetch the 13mortgage and return to you instantly.

Exit.

1 GENTLEMAN

We’ll do our best, sir. See where he comes,

E’en joyless and regardless of all form.

[Enter Witgood]

2 GENTLEMAN

16Why, how, Master Witgood! Fie! You a firm scholar 17and an understanding gentleman, and give your best parts to 18passion?

1 GENTLEMAN

19Come, fie!

WITGOOD

20Oh, gentlemen,—

1 GENTLEMAN

Sorrow of me, what a sigh was there, sir!

Nine such widows are not worth it.

WITGOOD

To be borne from me by that lecher, Hoard!

1 GENTLEMAN

That vengeance is your uncle’s, being done

More in despite to him than wrong to you,

But we bring comfort now.

WITGOOD

I beseech you, gentlemen,—

2 GENTLEMAN

Cheer thyself, man; there’s hope of her, i’ faith.

WITGOOD

Too gladsome to be true.

Enter Lucre.

LUCRE

Nephew, what cheer?

Alas, poor gentleman, how art thou chang’d!

Call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again.

She comes—

WITGOOD

Nothing afflicts me so much

But that it is your adversary, uncle,

And merely plotted in despite of you.

LUCRE

35Ay, that’s it mads me, spites me. I’ll spend my wealth ere 36he shall carry her so, because I know ‘tis only to spite me. Ay, this 37is it. Here, nephew, before these kind gentlemen, I deliver in your 38mortgage, my promise to the widow. See, ‘tis done. Be wise. 39You’re once more master of your own; the widow shall perceive 40now you are not altogether such a beggar as the world reputes 41you. You can make shift to bring her to three hundred a year, sir.

1 GENTLEMAN

By’r lady, and that’s no toy, sir.

LUCRE

A word, nephew.

1 GENTLEMAN

43Now you may certify the widow.

LUCRE

You must conceive it aright, nephew, now.

To do you good, I am content to do this.

WITGOOD

I know it, sir.

LUCRE

But your own conscience can tell I had it

Dearly enough of you.

WITGOOD

Ay, that’s most certain.

LUCRE

Much money laid out, beside many a journey

To fetch the rent. I hope you’ll think on’t, nephew.

WITGOOD

I were worse than a beast else, i’ faith.

LUCRE

Although to blind the widow and the world,

I out of policy do’t, yet there’s a conscience, nephew.

WITGOOD

Heaven forbid else!

LUCRE

When you are full possess’d,

‘Tis nothing to return it.

WITGOOD

Alas, a thing quickly done, uncle.

LUCRE

Well said. You know I give it you but in trust.

WITGOOD

Pray let me understand you rightly, uncle:

You give it me but in trust?

LUCRE

No.

WITGOOD

That is, you trust me with it.

LUCRE

True, true.

WITGOOD

[Aside]

But if ever I trust you with it again,

Would I might be truss’d up for my labour.

LUCRE

65You can all witness, gentlemen, and you, sir yeoman.

HOST

66My life for yours, sir, now. I know my mistress’ mind too 67well toward your nephew. Let things be in preparation, and 68I’ll train her hither in most excellent fashion.

Exit.

LUCRE

69A good old boy.—Wife! Jenny!

Enter Wife

WIFE

70What’s the news, sir?

LUCRE

71The wedding day’s at hand! Prithee, sweet wife, express 72thy housewifery. Thou’rt a fine cook, I know’t; thy first 73husband married thee out of an alderman’s kitchen. Go to! 74He rais’d thee for raising of paste. What! Here’s none but 75friends. Most of our beginnings must be wink’d at. Gentlemen, 76I invite you all to my nephew’s wedding against Thursday 77morning.

1 GENTLEMAN

With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see

Your enemy so mock’d.

LUCRE

He laugh’d at me, gentlemen; ha, ha, ha.

Exeunt [Lucre, Wife, and Gentlemen].

WITGOOD

He has no conscience, faith, would laugh at them.

They laugh at one another.

Who then can be so cruel? Troth, not I;

I rather pity now than aught envy.

I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness,

I have no leisure yet to laugh at their follies.

Thou soul of my estate, I kiss thee,

I miss life’s comfort when I miss thee.

Oh, never will we part again,

Until I leave the sight of men.

We’ll ne’er trust conscience of own kin,

Since cozenage brings that title in.

[Exit.]

[ACT IV SCENE 3]

[Outside Witgood’s house]

Enter three Creditors

1 CREDITOR

1I’ll wait these seven hours, but I’ll see him caught.

2 CREDITOR

2Faith, so will I.

3 CREDITOR

3Hang him, prodigal! He’s stripp’d of the widow.

1 CREDITOR

4A’ my troth, she’s the wiser; she has made the happier 5choice, and I wonder of what stuff those widows’ hearts are 6made of, that will marry unfledg’d boys, before comely thrum-chinn’d 7gentlemen.

Enter a Boy

BOY

8News, news, news!

1 CREDITOR

9What, boy?

BOY

10The rioter is caught!

1 CREDITOR

So, so, so, so. It warms me at the heart.

I love a’ life to see dogs upon men.

Oh, here he comes.

Enter Witgood with sergeants

WITGOOD

14My last joy was so great it took away the sense of all future 15afflictions. What a day is here o’ercast! How soon a black tempest 16rises!

1 CREDITOR

17Oh, we may speak with you now, sir. What’s become of 18your rich widow? I think you may cast your cap at the widow, 19may you not, sir?

2 CREDITOR

20He, a rich widow? Who, a prodigal, a daily rioter, and 21a nightly vomiter? He, a widow of account? He, a hole i’ th’ 22Counter!

WITGOOD

23You do well, my masters, to tyrannize over misery, to 24afflict the afflicted. ‘Tis a custom you have here amongst you. 25I would wish you never leave it, and I hope you’ll do as I bid you.

1 CREDITOR

26Come, come, sir; what say you extempore now to your 27bill of a hundred pound? A sweet debt for frotting your doublets.

2 CREDITOR

28Here’s mine of forty.

3 CREDITOR

29Here’s mine of fifty.

WITGOOD

30Pray, sirs, you’ll give me breath?

1 CREDITOR

31No, sir, we’ll keep you out of breath still. Then we shall 32be sure you will not run away from us.

WITGOOD

33Will you but hear me speak?

2 CREDITOR

34You shall pardon us for that, sir. We know you have 35too fair a tongue of your own; you overcame us too lately, a 36shame take you. We are like to lose all that for want of witnesses. 37We dealt in policy then. Always when we strive to be most 38politic we prove most coxcombs, non plus ultra. I perceive by 39us, we’re not ordain’d to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we 40must be content to be tradesmen.

WITGOOD

41Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I’ll make you 42ample satisfaction.

1 CREDITOR

43Do you talk of reasonable time to us?

WITGOOD

44‘Tis true, beasts know no reasonable time.

2 CREDITOR

45We must have either money or carcass.

WITGOOD

46Alas, what good will my carcass do you?

3 CREDITOR

47Oh, ‘tis a secret delight we have amongst us. We that 48are used to keep birds in cages have the heart to keep men in 49prison, I warrant you.

WITGOOD

50[Aside] I perceive I must crave a little more aid from my 51 wits: Do but make shift for me this once, and I’ll forswear ever 52 to trouble you in the like fashion hereafter. I’ll have better employment 53 for you and I live.—You’ll give me leave, my masters, 54to make trial of my friends, and raise all means I can?

1 CREDITOR

55That’s our desires, sir.

Enter Host

HOST

56Master Witgood?

WITGOOD

57Oh, art thou come?

HOST

58May I speak one word with you in private, sir?

WITGOOD

59No, by my faith, canst thou. I am in Hell here, and the devils 60will not let me come to thee.

CITIZENS

61Do you call us devils? You shall find us puritans! 62Bear him away. Let ‘em talk as they go. We’ll not stand to 63hear ‘em. Ah, sir, am I a devil? I shall think the better of myself 64as long as I live. A devil, i’ faith!

Exeunt.

[ACT IV SCENE 4]

[Walkadine Hoard’s house]

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard

WALKADINE HOARD

1What a sweet blessing hast thou, Master Hoard, 2above a multitude! Wilt thou never be thankful? How dost 3thou think to be bless’d another time? Or dost thou count this the 4full measure of thy happiness? By my troth, I think thou dost. 5Not only a wife large in possessions, but spacious in content. 6She’s rich, she’s young, she’s fair, she’s wise. When I wake, 7I think of her lands; that revives me. When I go to bed, I dream 8of her beauty, and that’s enough for me. She’s worth four 9hundred a year in her very smock, if a man knew how to use it. 10But the journey will be all, in troth, into the country; to ride to 11her lands in state and order, following my brother and other 12worshipful gentlemen, whose companies I ha’ sent down for 13already, to ride along with us in their goodly decorum beards, 14their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice or thrice 15double. Against which time I’ll entertain some ten men of mine 16own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities. I will not keep 17an idle man about me. The sight of which will so vex my adversary 18Lucre, for we’ll pass by his door of purpose, make a little 19stand for [the] nonce, and have our horses curvet before the 20window. Certainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang 21himself presently. [Enter Servant] 22How now, sirrah? What news? Any that offer their service to 23me yet?

SERVANT

24Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for your 25worship’s liking, and desire to be entertain’d.

WALKADINE HOARD

26Are they of occupation?

SERVANT

27They are men fit for your worship, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

28Say’st so? Send ‘em all in. [Exit Servant] To see ten 29men ride after me in watchet liveries with orange-tawny capes, 30‘twill cut his comb, i’ faith. Enter all [, Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman] 31How now? Of what occupation are you, sir?

TAILOR

32A tailor, an’t please your worship.

WALKADINE HOARD

33A tailor? Oh, very good. You shall serve to make all 34the liveries.—What are you, sir?

BARBER

35A barber, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

36A barber? Very needful. You shall shave all the 37house, and if need require, stand for a reaper i’ th’ summer 38time.—You, sir?

PERFUMER

39A perfumer.

WALKADINE HOARD

40I smell’d you before. Perfumers, of all men, had 41need carry themselves uprightly, for if they were once knaves 42they would be smell’d out quickly.—To you, sir?

FALCONER

43A falc’ner, an’t please your worship.

WALKADINE HOARD

44Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho!—and you, sir?

HUNTSMAN

45A huntsman, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

46There, boy, there, boy, there, boy. I am not so old 47but I have pleasant days to come. I promise you, my masters, 48I take such a good liking to you that I entertain you all. I put 49you already into my countenance, and you shall be shortly in 50my livery. But especially you two, my jolly falc’ner and my 51bonny huntsman, we shall have most need of you at my wife’s 52manor houses i’ th’ country. There’s goodly parks and champion 53grounds for you. We shall have all our sports within ourselves. 54All the gentlemen a’ th’ country shall be beholding to us 55and our pastimes.

FALCONER

56And we’ll make your worship admire, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

57Say’st thou so? Do but make me admire, and thou 58shalt want for nothing.—My tailor?

TAILOR

59Anon, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

60Go presently in hand with the liveries.

TAILOR

61I will, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

62My barber.

BARBER

63Here, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

64Make ‘em all trim fellows, louse ‘em well, especially 65my huntsman, and cut all their beards of the Polonian fashion. 66—My perfumer?

PERFUMER

67Under your nose, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

68Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away 69the scent of my tailor’s feet and my barber’s lotium water.

PERFUMER

70It shall be carefully perform’d, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

71But you, my falc’ner and huntsman, the welcom’st 72men alive, i’ faith!

HUNTSMAN

73And we’ll show you that, sir, shall deserve your worship’s 74favour.

WALKADINE HOARD

75I prithee, show me that. Go, you knaves all, and 76wash your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go. [Exeunt Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, and Huntsman.] 77By th’ mass, and well rememb’red. I’ll ask my wife that question. 78Wife! Mistress Jane Hoard!

Enter Courtesan, alter’d in apparel

COURTESAN

79Sir, would you with me?

WALKADINE HOARD

80I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand 81best to thy liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i’ th’ 82country?

COURTESAN

83Hum. Faith, sir, ‘twould like me better here. Here you 84were married, here let all rites be ended.

WALKADINE HOARD

85Could a marquess give a better answer? Hoard, 86bear thy head aloft, thou’st a wife will advance it. [Enter Host with a letter] 87What haste comes here now? Yes, a letter, some dreg of my 88adversary’s malice. Come hither. What’s the news?

HOST

89A thing that concerns my mistress, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

90Why, then it concerns me, knave.

HOST

91Ay, and you, knave, too—cry your worship mercy. You 92are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir: a precontract.

WALKADINE HOARD

93How! A precontract, say’st thou?

HOST

94I fear they have too much proof on’t, sir. Old Lucre, he 95runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he can. Young 96Witgood, laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims upon you 97a’ tother side, says you have wrought his undoing by the 98injurious detaining of his contract.

WALKADINE HOARD

99Body a’ me!

HOST

100

He will have utmost satisfaction.

101

The law shall give him recompense he says.

COURTESAN

102[Aside] Alas, his creditors so merciless! My state being 103 yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further him.

HOST

104True, sir,—

WALKADINE HOARD

105Wife, what says that letter? Let me construe it.

COURTESAN

106

Curs’d be my rash and unadvised words!

107

I’ll set my foot upon my tongue

108

And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.

[Stamps on the letter]

WALKADINE HOARD

109Wife,—

HOST

110[Aside] A pretty shift, i’ faith. I commend a woman when 111 she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and 112 this was cleanly done, by my troth.

COURTESAN

113

I did, sir.

114

Some foolish words I must confess did pass,

115

Which now litigiously he fastens on me.

WALKADINE HOARD

116Of what force? Let me examine ‘em.

COURTESAN

117Too strong, I fear. Would I were well freed of him.

WALKADINE HOARD

118Shall I compound?

COURTESAN

119

No, sir, I’d have it done some nobler way

120

Of your side. I’d have you come off with honour;

121

Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not

122

The means, sir? The occasion’s offer’d you.

WALKADINE HOARD

123Where? How, dear wife?

COURTESAN

124He is now caught by his creditors. The slave’s needy, his 125debts petty. He’ll rather bind himself to all inconveniences 126than rot in prison. By this only means you may get a release 127from him. ‘Tis not yet come to his uncle’s hearing. Send 128speedily for the creditors. By this time he’s desperate; he’ll set 129his hand to anything. Take order for his debts or discharge ‘em 130quite. A pax on him! Let’s be rid of a rascal.

WALKADINE HOARD

131

Excellent!

132

Thou dost astonish me.—Go, run, make haste!

133

Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.

HOST

134

[Aside]

This will be some revenge yet.

[Exit.]

WALKADINE HOARD

135

In the mean space I’ll have a release drawn.—

136

Within there!

[Enter Servant]

SERVANT

137

Sir?

WALKADINE HOARD

138

Sirrah, come take directions. Go to my scrivener.

[Speaks aside to Servant]

COURTESAN

139

[Aside]

I’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams;

140

If I be wak’d, they’re false. Such is my fate,

141

Who ventures deeper than the desperate state.

142

Though I have sinn’d, yet could I become new,

143

For where I once vow, I am ever true.

WALKADINE HOARD

144Away! Dispatch! On my displeasure, quickly! [Exit Servant.] 145Happy occasion! Pray Heaven he be in the right vein now to set 146his hand to’t, that nothing alter him. Grant that all his follies 147may meet in him at once, to besot him enough. 148I pray for him, i’ faith, and here he comes.

[Enter Witgood and Creditors]

WITGOOD

149What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful 150adversary?

WALKADINE HOARD

151

Nay, I am friends.

WITGOOD

Ay, when your mischief’s spent.

WALKADINE HOARD

152

I heard you were arrested.

WITGOOD

Well, what then?

153

You will pay none of my debts, I am sure.

WALKADINE HOARD

154

A wise man cannot tell.

155

There may be those conditions ‘greed upon

156

May move me to do much.

WITGOOD

Ay, when?

157

‘Tis thou, perjured woman! Oh, no name

158

Is vild enough to match thy treachery,

159

That art the cause of my confusion.

COURTESAN

Out, you

160

Penurious slave!

WALKADINE HOARD

Nay, wife, you are too forward.

161

Let him alone. Give losers leave to talk.

WITGOOD

162

Shall I remember thee of another promise

163

Far stronger than the first?

COURTESAN

I’d fain know that.

WITGOOD

164

‘Twould call shame to thy cheeks.

COURTESAN

Shame?

WITGOOD

Hark in your ear.

165 [To Courtesan] Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay my 166debts roundly?

COURTESAN

167 [To Witgood] Doubt nothing. There’s a release a-drawing 168and all, to which you must set your hand.

WITGOOD

169 [To Courtesan] Excellent!

COURTESAN

170 [To Witgood] But methinks, i’ faith, you might have 171made some shift to discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, 172and never have burden’d my conscience with it.

WITGOOD

173 [To Courtesan] A’ my troth, I could not, for my creditors’ 174cruelties extend to the present.

COURTESAN

175 [To Witgood] No more.—Why, do your worst for that, 176I defy you.

WITGOOD

177Y’are impudent! I’ll call up witnesses.

COURTESAN

178

Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted

179

To follies a long time.

WALKADINE HOARD

Wife, y’are too bitter.

180Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild 181speech come from me now, and this it is: ‘Thas been my fortune, 182gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing pour’d upon me a’ 183late, and here she stands. I have wedded her and bedded her, 184and yet she is little the worse. Some foolish words she hath 185pass’d to you in the country, and some peevish debts you owe 186here in the city. Set the hare’s head to the goose-giblet. Release 187you her of her words, and I’ll release you of your debts, sir.

WITGOOD

188Would you so? I thank you for that, sir. I cannot blame 189you, i’ faith.

WALKADINE HOARD

190Why, are not debts better than words, sir?

WITGOOD

191Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir?

WALKADINE HOARD

192[Aside] He plays at back-racket with me.

1 CREDITOR

193Come hither, Master Witgood, come hither. Be rul’d by 194fools once.

2 CREDITOR

195We are citizens and know what belong[s] to’t.

1 CREDITOR

196Take hold of his offer. Pax on her! Let her go. If your 197debts were once discharg’d, I would help you to a widow 198myself worth ten of her.

3 CREDITOR

199Mass, partner, and now you remember me on’t, there’s 200Master Mulligrub’s sister newly fall’n a widow.

1 CREDITOR

201Cuds me, as pat as can be. There’s a widow left for you; 202ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, et cetera. I warrant 203it a match. We can do all in all with her. Prithee, dispatch. We’ll 204carry thee to her presently.

WITGOOD

205My uncle will ne’er endure me when he shall hear I set my 206hand to a release.

2 CREDITOR

207Hark, I’ll tell thee a trick for that. I have spent five 208hundred pound in suits in my time, I should be wise. Thou’rt 209now a prisoner; make a release. Take’t of my word, whatsoever 210a man makes as long as he is in durance, ‘tis nothing in law, not 211thus much.

[Snaps his fingers]

WITGOOD

212Say you so, sir?

3 CREDITOR

213I have paid for’t, I know’t.

WITGOOD

214Proceed then. I consent.

3 CREDITOR

215Why, well said.

WALKADINE HOARD

216How now, my masters, what have you done with 217him?

1 CREDITOR

218With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.

WALKADINE HOARD

219Ah, ah, ah! And what came his debts to now?

1 CREDITOR

220Some eight score odd pounds, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

221Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw. Tell me the second time. 222Give me a lighter sum. They are but desperate debts, you know, 223ne’er call’d in but upon such an accident. A poor, needy knave, 224he would starve and rot in prison. Come, come, you shall have 225ten shillings in the pound, and the sum down roundly—

1 CREDITOR

226You must make it a mark, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

227Go to, then. Tell your money in the meantime; you 228shall find little less there. [Gives them money] —Come, Master 229Witgood, you are so unwilling to do yourself good now. [Enter Scrivener] 230Welcome, honest scrivener. Now you shall hear the release 231read.

SCRIVENER

232‘Be it known to all men by these presents that I, 233Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to Pecunius 234Lucre, having unjustly made title and claim to one Jane Medlar, 235late widow of Anthony Medlar, and now wife to Walkadine 236Hoard, in consideration of a competent sum of money to discharge 237my debts, do for ever hereafter disclaim any title, right, 238estate, or interest in or to the said widow, late in the occupation 239of the said Anthony Medlar and now in the occupation of 240Walkadine Hoard; as also neither to lay claim, by virtue of any 241former contract, grant, promise or demise, to any of her 242manor[s], manor houses, parks, groves, meadow grounds, 243arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, dove holes, and cony burrows, 244together with all her cattle, money, plate, jewels, borders, 245chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, movables, or immovables. 246In witness whereof, I, the said Theodorus Witgood, 247have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these 248presents, the day and date above written.’

WITGOOD

249What a precious fortune hast thou slipp’d here, like a beast 250as thou art!

WALKADINE HOARD

251Come, unwilling heart, come.

WITGOOD

252

Well, Master Hoard, give me the pen; I see

253

‘Tis vain to quarrel with our destiny.

WALKADINE HOARD

254Oh, as vain a thing as can be. You cannot commit a 255greater absurdity, sir. So, so, give me that hand now. Before all 256these presents, I am friends for ever with thee.

WITGOOD

257Troth, and it were pity of my heart now if I should bear you 258any grudge, i’ faith.

WALKADINE HOARD

259Content. I’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding 260dinner. We will be friends once again.

WITGOOD

261I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

262How now? Is’t right, my masters?

1 CREDITOR

263‘Tis something wanting, sir, yet it shall be sufficient.

WALKADINE HOARD

264Why, well said. A good conscience makes a fine 265show nowadays. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my 266wine ere you depart.

ALL

267We follow you, sir.

[Exeunt Walkadine Hoard, Scrivener, and Courtesan.]

WITGOOD

268[Aside] I’ll try these fellows now.—A word, sir. What, will 269you carry me to that widow now?

1 CREDITOR

270Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’ faith? Carry 271you to a rich widow? We should get much credit by that! A 272noted rioter, a contemptible prodigal! ‘Twas a trick we have 273amongst us to get in our money. Fare you well, sir.

Exeunt [Creditors].

WITGOOD

274Farewell and be hang’d, you short pig-hair’d, ram-headed 275rascals! He that believes in you shall ne’er be sav’d, I warrant 276him. By this new league I shall have some access unto my love.

She is above

NIECE

277Master Witgood!

WITGOOD

278My life!

NIECE

279Meet me presently. That note directs you. I would not be 280suspected. Our happiness attends us. Farewell.

[Exit.]

WITGOOD

281A word’s enough.

[Exit.]

[ACT IV SCENE 5]

[Dampit’s bedroom]

Dampit the usurer in his bed, Audrey spinning by

[AUDREY]

Song.

Let the usurer cram him, in interest that excel,

There’s pits enow to damn him before he comes to Hell.

In Holborn some, in Fleet Street some,

Where’er he come, there’s some, there’s some.

DAMPIT

5Trahe, trahito, draw the curtain. Give me a sip of 6sack more.

Enter Gentlemen [, who stand apart]

LAMPREY

7Look you, did not I tell you he lay like the devil in 8chains, when he was bound for a thousand year?

SPITCHCOCK

9But I think the devil had no steel bedstaffs. He goes 10beyond him for that.

LAMPREY

11Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking. One must 12wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder. Do you see, sir?

SPITCHCOCK

13Is this the sick trampler? Why, he is only bedrid with 14drinking.

LAMPREY

15True, sir. He spies us.

DAMPIT

16What, Sir Tristram? You come and see a weak man 17here, a very weak man.

LAMPREY

18If you be weak in body, you should be strong in prayer, 19sir.

DAMPIT

20Oh, I have pray’d too much, poor man.

LAMPREY

21 [To Spitchcock] There’s a taste of his soul for you.

SPITCHCOCK

22 [To Lamprey] Faugh! Loathsome!

LAMPREY

23I come to borrow a hundred pound of you, sir.

DAMPIT

24Alas, you come at an ill time. I cannot spare it, i’ faith. 25I ha’ but two thousand i’ th’ house.

AUDREY

26Ha, ha, ha!

DAMPIT

27Out, you gernative quean, the mullipood of villainy, 28the spinner of concupiscency!

Enter other Gentleman [and Boy]

SIR LANCELOT

29Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us? How is he now?

LAMPREY

30Faith, the same man still. The tavern bitch has bit him 31i’ th’ head.

SIR LANCELOT

32We shall have the better sport with him. Peace.—And 33how cheers Master Dampit now?

DAMPIT

34Oh, my bosom Sir Lancelot, how cheer I? Thy presence 35is restorative.

SIR LANCELOT

36But I hear a great complaint of you, Master Dampit, 37among gallants.

DAMPIT

38I am glad of that, i’ faith. Prithee, what?

SIR LANCELOT

39They say you are wax’d proud a’ late, and if a friend visit 40you in the afternoon, you’ll scarce know him.

DAMPIT

41Fie, fie! Proud? I cannot remember any such thing. 42Sure, I was drunk then.

SIR LANCELOT

43Think you so, sir?

DAMPIT

44There ‘twas, i’ faith. Nothing but the pride of the sack, 45and so certify ‘em. Fetch sack, sirrah.

BOY

46[Aside] A vengeance sack you once!

AUDREY

47Why, Master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin and 48lie a little longer, you need not take care how to dispose your 49wealth; you’ll make the vintner your heir.

DAMPIT

50Out, you babliaminy, you unfeather’d cremitoried 51quean, you cullisance of scabiosity!

AUDREY

52Good words, Master Dampit, to speak before a maid 53and a virgin!

DAMPIT

54Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality.

AUDREY

55Sweet terms! My mistress shall know ‘em.

LAMPREY

56[Aside] Note but the misery of this usuring slave. Here 57 he lies, like a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his drunken 58 blasphemies, and they to whom he bequeaths all grudge him the 59 very meat that feeds him, the very pillow that eases him. Here 60 may a usurer behold his end. What profits it to be a slave in this 61 world and a devil i’ th’ next?

DAMPIT

62Sir Lancelot, let me buss thee, Sir Lancelot. Thou art 63the only friend that I honour and respect.

SIR LANCELOT

64I thank you for that, Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

65Farewell, my bosom Sir Lancelot.

SIR LANCELOT

66[Aside] Gentlemen, and you love me, let me step behind 67 you, and one of you fall a-talking of me to him.

LAMPREY

68[Aside] Content.—Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

69So, sir?

LAMPREY

70Here came Sir Lancelot to see you e’en now.

DAMPIT

71Hang him, rascal!

LAMPREY

72Who, Sir Lancelot?

DAMPIT

73Pythagorical rascal!

LAMPREY

74Pythagorical?

DAMPIT

75Ay. He changes his cloak when he meets a sergeant.

SIR LANCELOT

76[Aside] What a rogue’s this!

LAMPREY

77I wonder you can rail at him, sir; he comes in love to see 78you.

DAMPIT

79A louse for his love! His father was a combmaker. I 80have no need of his crawling love. He comes to have longer 81day, the superlative rascal.

SIR LANCELOT

82[Aside] ‘Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue.—Master 83Dampit, I come to take my leave once again, sir.

DAMPIT

84Who? My dear and kind Sir Lancelot? The only gentleman 85of England. Let me hug thee. Farewell, and a thousand.

LAMPREY

86[Aside] Compos’d of wrongs and slavish flatteries.

SIR LANCELOT

87[Aside] Nay, gentlemen, he shall show you more tricks 88 yet. I’ll give you another taste of him.

LAMPREY

89[Aside] Is’t possible?

SIR LANCELOT

90[Aside] His memory is upon departing.

DAMPIT

91Another cup of sack!

SIR LANCELOT

92[Aside] Mass, then ‘twill be quite gone. Before he drink 93 that, tell him there’s a country client come up, and here attends 94 for his learned advice.

LAMPREY

95[Aside] Enough.

DAMPIT

96One cup more, and then let the bell toll. I hope I shall 97be weak enough by that time.

LAMPREY

98Master Dampit.

DAMPIT

99Is the sack spouting?

LAMPREY

100‘Tis coming forward, sir. [Enter Boy with sack] 101Here’s a countryman, a client of yours, waits for your deep and 102profound advice, sir.

DAMPIT

103A coxcombry? Where is he? Let him approach. Set 104me up a peg higher.

LAMPREY

105You must draw near, sir.

DAMPIT

106Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?

SIR LANCELOT

107Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir,—

DAMPIT

108What make you in my chamber then?

SIR LANCELOT

109I would entreat your worship’s device in a just and 110honest cause, sir.

DAMPIT

111I meddle with no such matters. I refer ‘em to Master 112No-man’s office.

SIR LANCELOT

113I had but one house left me in all the world, sir, which 114was my father’s, my grandfather’s, my great-grandfather’s, and 115now a villain has unjustly wrung me out and took possession 116on’t.

DAMPIT

117Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy 118ejectione firmae, and in seven year thou mayst shove him out 119by the law.

SIR LANCELOT

120Alas, an’t please your worship, I have small friends and 121less money.

DAMPIT

122Hoyday! This gear will fadge well! Hast no money? 123Why, then, my advice is thou must set fire a’ th’ house, and so 124get him out.

LAMPREY

125That will break strife indeed!

SIR LANCELOT

126I thank your worship for your hot counsel, sir. 127[Aside] Altering but my voice a little, you see he knew me not. You may 128 observe by this that a drunkard’s memory holds longer in the 129 voice than in the person. But, gentlemen, shall I show you a 130 sight? Behold the little dive-dapper of damnation, Gulf the 131 usurer, for his time worse than tother.

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard with Gulf

LAMPREY

132What’s he comes with him?

SIR LANCELOT

133Why, Hoard, that married lately the widow Medlar.

LAMPREY

134Oh, I cry you mercy, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

135Now, gentlemen visitants, how does Master 136Dampit?

SIR LANCELOT

137Faith, here he lies, e’en drawing in, sir, good canary as 138fast as he can, sir. A very weak creature, truly. He is almost past 139memory.

WALKADINE HOARD

140Fie, Master Dampit, you lie lazing abed here, and I 141come to invite you to my wedding dinner. Up, up, up!

DAMPIT

142Who’s this? Master Hoard? Who hast thou married, in 143the name of foolery?

WALKADINE HOARD

144A rich widow.

DAMPIT

145A Dutch widow!

WALKADINE HOARD

146A rich widow, one widow Medlar.

DAMPIT

147Medlar! She keeps open house.

WALKADINE HOARD

148She did, I can tell you, in her tother husband’s days, 149open house for all comers. Horse and man was welcome, and 150room enough for ‘em all.

DAMPIT

151There’s too much for thee then. Thou mayst let out 152some to thy neighbours.

GULF

153What, hung alive in chains? Oh, spectacle! Bedstaffs of 154steel? O monstrum horrendum, informe, ingens cui lumen 155ademptum! O Dampit, Dampit, here’s a just judgment shown 156upon usury, extortion, and trampling villainy.

SIR LANCELOT

157[Aside] This [is] ex’llent, thief rails upon the thief!

GULF

158Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and blasphemy? 159Now mayst thou see what race a usurer runs.

DAMPIT

160Why, thou rogue of universality, do not I know thee? 161Thy sound is like the cuckoo, the Welsh ambassador. Thou 162cowardly slave, that offers to fight with a sick man when his 163weapon’s down! Rail upon me in my naked bed? Why, thou 164great Lucifer’s little vicar, I am not so weak but I know a knave 165at first sight. Thou inconscionable rascal, thou that goest upon 166Middlesex juries and will make haste to give up thy verdict 167because thou wilt not lose thy dinner, are you answered?

GULF

168An’t were not for shame—

Draws his dagger

DAMPIT

169Thou wouldst be hang’d then.

LAMPREY

170Nay, you must exercise patience, Master Gulf, always in 171a sick man’s chamber.

SIR LANCELOT

172 [To Dampit] He’ll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but 173those that are bedrid.

DAMPIT

174Let him come, gentlemen, I am arm’d. Reach my closestool 175hither.

SIR LANCELOT

176Here will be a sweet fray anon. I’ll leave you, gentlemen.

LAMPREY

177Nay, we’ll along with you. Master Gulf.

GULF

178Hang him, usuring rascal.

SIR LANCELOT

179Push! Set your strength to his, your wit to his.

AUDREY

180Pray, gentlemen, depart, His hour’s come upon him.— 181Sleep in my bosom, sleep.

SIR LANCELOT

182Nay, we have enough of him, i’ faith. Keep him for the 183house.

ErrorMetrica

184

Now make your best;

185

For thrice his wealth, I would not have his breast.

GULF

186A little thing would make me beat him, now he’s asleep.

SIR LANCELOT

187Mass, then ‘twill be a pitiful day when he wakes. I would 188be loath to see that day.

GULF

189You overrule me, gentlemen, i’ faith.

Exeunt.

ACT V [SCENE 1]

[Lucre’s house]

Enter Lucre and Witgood

WITGOOD

Nay, uncle, let me prevail with you so much.

I’ faith, go, now he has invited you.

LUCRE

3I shall have great joy there when he has borne away the 4widow!

WITGOOD

5Why, la, I thought where I should find you presently. 6Uncle, a’ my troth, ‘tis nothing so.

LUCRE

7What’s nothing so, sir? Is not he married to the widow?

WITGOOD

8No, by my troth, is he not, uncle.

LUCRE

9How!

WITGOOD

10Will you have the truth on’t? He is married to a whore, i’ 11faith.

LUCRE

12I should laugh at that.

WITGOOD

13Uncle, let me perish in your favour if you find it not so, and 14that ‘tis I that have married the honest woman.

LUCRE

15Ha! I’d walk ten mile afoot to see that, i’ faith.

WITGOOD

16And see’t you shall, or I’ll ne’er see you again.

LUCRE

17A quean, i’ faith? Ha, ha, ha!

Exeunt.

[ACT V SCENE 2]

[Walkadine Hoard’s house]

Enter [Walkadine] Hoard, tasting wine, the Host following in a livery cloak

WALKADINE HOARD

1Pup, pup, pup, pup. I like not this wine. Is there 2never a better tierce in the house?

HOST

3Yes, sir, there are as good tierce in the house as any are 4in England.

WALKADINE HOARD

5Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste ‘em all 6over; she has better skill.

HOST

7Has she so? [Aside] The better for her and the worse for 8 you.

Exit.

[Enter Servant]

WALKADINE HOARD

9Arthur, is the cupboard of plate set out?

ARTHUR

10All’s in order, sir.

[Exit.]

WALKADINE HOARD

11I am in love with my liveries every time I think on 12‘em. They make a gallant show, by my troth.—Niece!

[Enter Niece]

NIECE

13Do you call, sir?

WALKADINE HOARD

14Prithee, show a little diligence and overlook the 15knaves a little. They’ll filch and steal today, and send whole 16pasties home to their wives. And thou be’st a good niece, do 17not see me purloin’d.

NIECE

18Fear it not, sir, I have cause. [Aside] Though the feast be 19 prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding dinner too.

[Exit.]

Enter two Gentlemen

WALKADINE HOARD

20Master Lamprey, and Master Spitchcock too! The 21most welcome gentlemen alive! Your fathers and mine were all 22free o’ th’ fishmongers.

LAMPREY

23They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir, soon 24entreated.

WALKADINE HOARD

25And that’s best, sir. [Enter Servant] 26How now, sirrah?

SERVANT

27There’s a coach come to th’ door, sir.

[Exit.]

WALKADINE HOARD

28My Lady Foxstone, a’ my life!—Mistress Jane 29Hoard! Wife!—Mass, ‘tis her ladyship indeed. [Enter Lady Foxstone] 30Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnish’d house, dearth of 31cheer, scarcity of attendance.

LADY

32You are pleas’d to make the worst, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

33Wife!

[Enter Courtesan]

LADY

34Is this your bride?

WALKADINE HOARD

35Yes, madam.—Salute my Lady Foxstone.

COURTESAN

36Please you, madam, a while to taste the air in the 37garden?

LADY

38‘Twill please us well.

Exeunt [Lady Foxstone and Courtesan].

WALKADINE HOARD

Who would not wed? The most delicious life!

No joys are like the comforts of a wife.

LAMPREY

41So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.

Enter Servant

SERVANT

42Your worship’s brother, with another ancient gentleman, 43are newly alighted, sir.

[Exit.]

WALKADINE HOARD

44Master Onesiphorus Hoard? Why, now our company 45begins to come in. [Enter Onesiphorus Hoard, Limber, and Kix] 46My dear and kind brother, welcome, i’ faith.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

47You see we are men at an hour, brother.

WALKADINE HOARD

48Ay, I’ll say that for you, brother; you keep as good 49an hour to come to a feast as any gentleman in the shire.—What, 50old Master Limber and Master Kix! Do we meet, i’ faith, jolly 51gentlemen?

LIMBER

52We hope you lack guests, sir.

WALKADINE HOARD

53Oh, welcome, welcome! We lack still such guests as 54your worships.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

55Ah, sirrah brother, have you catch’d up widow 56Medlar?

WALKADINE HOARD

57From ‘em all, brother, and, I may tell you, I had 58mighty enemies, those that stuck sore. Old Lucre is a sore fox, 59I can tell you, brother.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

60Where is she? I’ll go seek her out. I long to have a 61smack at her lips.

WALKADINE HOARD

62And most wishfully, brother. See where she comes. [Enter Courtesan] 63Give her a smack now we may hear it all the house over.

COURTESAN

64O Heaven, I am betray’d! I know that face.

Both turn back

WALKADINE HOARD

65Ha, ha, ha! Why, how now? Are you both asham’d? 66Come, gentlemen, we’ll look another way.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

67Nay, brother, hark you. Come, y’are dispos’d to be 68merry.

WALKADINE HOARD

69Why do we meet else, man?

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

70That’s another matter. I was ne’er so ‘fraid in my 71life but that you had been in earnest.

WALKADINE HOARD

72How mean you, brother?

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

73You said she was your wife.

WALKADINE HOARD

74Did I so? By my troth, and so she is.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

75By your troth, brother?

WALKADINE HOARD

76What reason have I to dissemble with my friends, 77brother? If marriage can make her mine, she is mine. Why?

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

78Troth, I am not well of a sudden. I must crave pardon, 79brother. I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner, i’ 80faith.

WALKADINE HOARD

81I hope you will not serve me so, brother.

LIMBER

82By your leave, Master Hoard.

WALKADINE HOARD

83What now? What now? Pray, gentlemen, you were 84wont to show yourselves wise men.

LIMBER

85But you have shown your folly too much here.

WALKADINE HOARD

86How!

KIX

Fie, fie! A man of your repute and name!

You’ll feast your friends, but cloy ‘em first with shame.

WALKADINE HOARD

89This grows too deep. Pray, let us reach the sense.

LIMBER

90In your old age dote on a courtesan!

WALKADINE HOARD

91Ha!

KIX

92Marry a strumpet!

WALKADINE HOARD

93Gentlemen!

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

94And Witgood’s quean!

WALKADINE HOARD

95Oh! Nor lands nor living?

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

Living?

WALKADINE HOARD

[To Courtesan]

Speak!

COURTESAN

Alas, you know at first, sir.

I told you I had nothing.

WALKADINE HOARD

98Out, out! I am cheated, infinitely cozen’d!

LIMBER

99Nay, Master Hoard.

WALKADINE HOARD

100A Dutch widow, a Dutch widow, a Dutch widow!

Enter Witgood and Lucre

LUCRE

101

Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar?

102

Wilt make me mad? Is not yon thing the widow?

WITGOOD

103

Why, la, you are so hard a’ belief, uncle.

104

By my troth, she’s a whore.

LUCRE

Then thou’rt a knave.

WITGOOD

105Negatur argumentum, uncle.

LUCRE

106Probo tibi, nephew. He that knows a woman to be a 107quean must needs be a knave. Thou say’st thou know’st her to 108be one. Ergo, if she be a quean, thou’rt a knave.

WITGOOD

109Negatur sequela majoris, uncle. He that knows a woman to 110be a quean must needs be a knave, I deny that.

WALKADINE HOARD

111Lucre and Witgood, y’are both villains! Get you out 112of my house!

LUCRE

113Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding dinner?

WITGOOD

114And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends, before 115witness, sir, and were both drunk upon’t?

WALKADINE HOARD

116Daintily abused! Y’ave put a junt upon me.

LUCRE

117Ha, ha, ha!

WALKADINE HOARD

118A common strumpet!

WITGOOD

119

Nay, now

120

You wrong her, sir. If I were she, I’d have

121

The law on you for that. I durst depose for her

122

She ne’er had common use nor common thought.

COURTESAN

123

Despise me, publish me, I am your wife.

124

What shame can I have now but you’ll have part?

125

If in disgrace you share, I sought not you.

126

You pursued me, nay, forc’d me.

127

Had I friends would follow it,

128

Less than your action has been prov’d a rape.

ONESIPHORUS HOARD

129Brother,—

COURTESAN

130

Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you,

131

Money, or goods. I took a plainer course,

132

And told you true I’d nothing.

133

If error were committed, ‘twas by you,

134

Thank your own folly. Nor has my sin been

135

So odious but worse has been forgiven.

136

Nor am I so deform’d but I may challenge

137

The utmost power of any old man’s love.

138She that tastes not sin before, twenty to one but she’ll taste it 139after. Most of you old men are content to marry young virgins 140and take that which follows; where, marrying one of us, you 141both save a sinner and are quit from a cuckold for ever.

ErrorMetrica

142

And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win,

143

She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin.

WALKADINE HOARD

144

Curs’d be all malice! Black are the fruits of spite

145

And poison first their owners. Oh, my friends,

146

I must embrace shame to be rid of shame.

147

Conceal’d disgrace prevents a public name.

148

Ah, Witgood, ah, Theodorus,—

WITGOOD

149Alas, sir, I was prick’d in conscience to see her well bestow’d, 150and where could I bestow her better than upon your 151pitiful worship? Excepting but myself, I dare swear she’s a 152virgin; and now by marrying your niece I have banish’d myself 153for ever from her. She’s mine aunt now, by my faith, and there’s 154no meddling with mine aunt, you know, a sin against my nuncle.

COURTESAN

155

Lo, gentlemen, before you all

156

In true reclaimed form I fall.

[Kneels]

157

Henceforth for ever I defy

158

The glances of a sinful eye,

159

Waving of fans, which some suppose

160

Tricks of fancy, treading of toes,

161

Wringing of fingers, biting the lip,

162

The wanton gait, th’alluring trip,

163

All secret friends and private meetings,

164

Close-borne letters and bawds’ greetings,

165

Feigning excuse to women’s labours

166

When we are sent for to th’ next neighbours,

167

Taking false physic and ne’er start

168

To be let blood, though sign be at heart,

169

Removing chambers, shifting beds,

170

To welcome friends in husbands’ steads,

171

Them to enjoy and you to marry,

172

They first serv’d while you must tarry,

173

They to spend and you to gather,

174

They to get and you to father.

175

These and thousand thousand more,

176

New reclaim’d, I now abhor.

LUCRE

177

Ah, here’s a lesson, rioter, for you!

WITGOOD

178

I must confess my follies. I’ll down too,

179

And here for ever I disclaim

180

The cause of youth’s undoing: Game,

181

Chiefly dice, those true outlanders

182

That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders;

183

Soul-wasting surfeits, sinful riots,

184

Queans’ evils, doctors’ diets,

185

‘Pothecaries’ drugs, surgeons’ glisters,

186

Stabbing of arms for a common mistress,

187

Riband favours, ribald speeches,

188

Dear perfum’d jackets, penniless breeches,

189

Dutch flapdragons, healths in urine,

190

Drabs that keep a man too sure in,

191

I do defy you all.

192

Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise

193

A reclaim’d man, loathing the general vice.

WALKADINE HOARD

194

So, so, all friends. The wedding dinner cools.

195

Who seem most crafty prove oftimes most fools.

[Exeunt.]

FINIS

Thomas Middleton

A Trick to Catch the Old One

[ACT I SCENE 1]

[ACT I SCENE 2]

[ACT I SCENE 3]

[ACT I SCENE 4]

Incipit ACT II [SCENE 1]

[ACT II SCENE 2]

Incipit ACT III [SCENE 1]

[ACT III SCENE 2]

[ACT III SCENE 3]

[ACT III SCENE 4]

[ACT III SCENE 5]

Incipit ACT IV [SCENE 1]

[ACT IV SCENE 2]

[ACT IV SCENE 3]

[ACT IV SCENE 4]

[ACT IV SCENE 5]

ACT V [SCENE 1]

[ACT V SCENE 2]