Source text for this digital edition:
Middleton, Thomas. “A Chaste Maid in Cheapside.” In: Thomas Middleton: Five Plays. Edited by Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1988, pp. 161-238.
Digital text encoding for EMOTHE:
- Tronch Pérez, Jesús
Note on this digital edition
Esta publicación es parte del proyecto I+D+i «Teatro español y europeo de los siglos XVI y XVII: patrimonio y bases de datos», referencia PID2019-104045GB-C54 (acrónimo EMOTHE), financiado por MICIN/AEI/10.13039/501100011033.
The EMOTHE Digital Library is grateful to Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor for giving permission to reproduce the text of their Penguin Classics edition (1988).
This digital edition reproduces the text edited by Bryan Loughrey and Neil Taylor, except for the modernization of the past participle (e.g. "play'd" is here modernized as "played"), of forms such as "murderer" (instead of "murtherer"), and in other formal aspects (as in the list of characters) derived from the adaptation of the printed text to the electronic format and XML-TEI encoding for the EMOTHE Digital Library.
In memoriam, Bryan Loughrey (1952-2021)
[DRAMATIS PERSONAE] The Names of the Principal Persons
| Mr Yellowhammer, a goldsmith |
| Maudline, his wife |
| Tim, their son |
| Moll, their daughter |
| Tutor, to Tim |
| Sir Walter Whorehound, a suitor to Moll |
| Sir Oliver Kix, kin to Sir Walter |
| Lady Kix, his wife |
| Mr Allwit |
| Mrs Allwit, his wife, whom Sir Walter keeps |
| Welsh Gentlewoman, Sir Walter’s whore |
| Wat, his bastard |
| Nick, his bastard |
| Davy Dahumma, his man |
| Touchwood Senior, a decayed gentleman |
| Mrs Touchwood, his wife |
| Touchwood Junior, another suitor to Moll |
| Susan, maid to Yellowhammer |
| Jugg,, Lady Kix’s maid |
| Two Promoters; Servants; Watermen; [Wench; Dry Nurse; Wet Nurse; Porter; Gentleman; Men with baskets; Puritans; Gossips; Midwife; Parson. ] |
ACT ONE
[SCENE 1]
Enter Maudline and Moll, a shop being discovered.
MAUDLINE
1Have you played over all your old lessons o' the virginals?
MOLL
2Yes.
MAUDLINE
3Yes, you are a dull maid a' late, methinks you had need have somewhat to quicken your green sickness; do you weep? A husband! Had not such a piece of flesh been ordained, what had us wives been good for? To make sallets, or else cried up and down for sampier. To see the difference of these seasons! When I was of your youth, I was lightsome and quick two years before I was married. You fit for a knight's bed! Drowsy-browed, dull-eyed, drossy-spirited- I hold my life you have forgot your dancing: when was the dancer with you?
MOLL
4The last week.
MAUDLINE
5Last week? When I was of your bord, he missed me not a night, I was kept at it; I took delight to learn, and he to teach me, pretty brown gentleman, he took pleasure in my company; but you are dull, nothing comes nimbly from you, you dance like a plumber's daughter and deserve two thousand pounds in lead to your marriage and not in goldsmith's ware.
Enter Yellowhammer.
YELLOWHAMMER
6Now what's the din betwixt mother and daughter, ha?
MAUDLINE
7Faith, small, telling your daughter Mary of her errors.
YELLOWHAMMER
8Errors? Nay, the city cannot hold you, wife, but you must needs fetch words from Westminster; I ha' done, i'faith. Has no attorney's clerk been here a' late and changed his half-crown-piece his mother sent him, or rather cozened you with a gilded twopence, to bring the word in fashion for her faults or cracks in duty and obedience? Term 'em e'en so, sweet wife. As there is no woman made without a flaw, your purest lawns have frays, and cambrics bracks.
MAUDLINE
9But 'tis a husband solders up all cracks.
MOLL
10What, is he come, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
11Sir Walter's come.
-->
12
He was met at Holborn Bridge, and in his company
13
A proper fair young gentlewoman, which I guess
14
By her red hair and other rank descriptions
15
To be his landed niece brought out of Wales,
16
Which Tim our son (the Cambridge boy) must marry.
17
'Tis a match of Sir Walter's own making
18
To bind us to him, and our heirs for ever.
MAUDLINE
19
We are honoured then, if this baggage would be humble,
20
And kiss him with devotion when he enters.
21
I cannot get her for my life
22
To instruct her hand thus, before and after,
23
Which a knight will look for, before and after.
24
I have told her still, 'tis the waving of a woman
25
Does often move a man, and prevails strongly.
26
But sweet, ha' you sent to Cambridge,
27
Has Tim word on't?
YELLOWHAMMER
28Had word just the day after when you sent him the silver spoon to eat his broth in the hall amongst the gentlemen commoners.
MAUDLINE
29O 'twas timely.
Enter Porter.
YELLOWHAMMER
30How now?
PORTER
31A letter from a gentleman in Cambridge.
YELLOWHAMMER
32O one of Hobson's porters, thou art welcome. I told thee, Maud, we should hear from Tim.
33
[Reads.]'Amantissimis charissimisque ambobus parentibus patri et matri'.
MAUDLINE
34What's the matter?
YELLOWHAMMER
35Nay, by my troth, I know not, ask not me, he's grown too verbal; this learning is a great witch.
MAUDLINE
36Pray let me see it, I was wont to understand him.
37
[Reads.]'Amantissimus charissimus', he has sent the carrier's man, he says; 'ambobus parentibus', for a pair of boots; 'patri et matri', pay the porter, or it makes no matter.
PORTER
38Yes by my faith! Mistress, there's no true construction in that, I have took a great deal of pains and come from the Bell sweating. Let me come to't, for I was a scholar forty years ago. 'Tis thus, I warrant you: matri, it makes no matter; ambobus parentibus, for a pair of boots; patri, pay the porter; amantissimis charissimis, he's the carrier's man, and his name is Sims- and there he says true, forsooth, my name is Sims indeed. I have not forgot all my learning. A money matter, I thought I should hit on't.
YELLOWHAMMER
39Go, thou art an old fox, there's a tester for thee.
PORTER
40If I see your worship at Goose Fair, I have a dish of birds for you.
YELLOWHAMMER
41Why, dost dwell at Bow?
PORTER
42
All my lifetime, sir, I could ever say Bo, to a goose. Farewell to your worship.
Exit Porter.
YELLOWHAMMER
43A merry porter.
MAUDLINE
44How can he choose but be so, coming with Cambridge letters from our son Tim?
YELLOWHAMMER
45What's here?
46
[Reads.]Maxime diligo. Faith, I must to my learned counsel with this gear, 'twill ne'er be discerned else.
MAUDLINE
47Go to my cousin then, at Inns of Court.
YELLOWHAMMER
48Fie, they are all for French, they speak no Latin.
MAUDLINE
49The parson then will do it.
Enter a Gentleman with a chain.
YELLOWHAMMER
50Nay, he disclaims it, calls Latin 'Papistry', he will not deal with it. What is't you lack, gentleman?
GENTLEMAN
51Pray weigh this chain.
Yellowhammer weighs it.
Enter Sir Walter Whorehound, Welsh Gentlewoman and Davy [Dahumma].
SIR WALTER
52Now, wench, thou art welcome to the heart of the City of London.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
53Dugat a whee.
SIR WALTER
54You can thank me in English if you list.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
55I can, sir, simply.
SIR WALTER
56'Twill serve to pass, wench; 'twas strange that I should lie with thee so often, to leave thee without English- that were unnatural. I bring thee up to turn thee into gold, wench, and make thy fortune shine like your bright trade; a goldsmith's shop sets out a City maid. Davy Dahumma, not a word!
DAVY
57Mum, mum, sir.
SIR WALTER
58Here you must pass for a pure virgin.
DAVY
59[Aside.]Pure Welsh virgin! She lost her maidenhead in Brecknockshire.
SIR WALTER
60I hear you mumble, Davy.
DAVY
61I have teeth, sir, I need not mumble yet this forty years.
SIR WALTER
62[Aside.]The knave bites plaguily.
YELLOWHAMMER
63
[To Gentleman.]What's your price, sir?
GENTLEMAN
64A hundred pound, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
65A hundred marks the utmost, 'tis not for me else.
[Exit Gentleman.]
66— What, Sir Walter Whorehound!
MOLL
67[Aside.]O death!
Exit Moll.
MAUDLINE
68
Why, daughter! Faith, the baggage!
69
A bashful girl, sir; these young things are shamefast,
70
Besides you have a presence, sweet Sir Walter,
71
Able to daunt a maid brought up i'the City:
Enter [Moll].
72
A brave Court spirit makes our virgins quiver
73
And kiss with trembling thighs. Yet see, she comes, sir.
SIR WALTER
74Why, how now, pretty mistress, now I have caught you. What, can you injure so your time to stray thus from your faithful servant?
YELLOWHAMMER
75Pish, stop your words, good knight, 'twill make her blush else, which wound too high for the daughters of the Freedom. 'Honour,' and 'faithful servant,' they are compliments for the worthies of Whitehall or Greenwich. E'en plain, sufficient, subsidy words serves us, sir. And is this gentlewoman your worthy niece?
SIR WALTER
76You may be bold with her on these terms, 'tis she, sir, heir to some nineteen mountains.
YELLOWHAMMER
77Bless us all! You overwhelm me, sir, with love and riches.
SIR WALTER
78And all as high as Paul's.
DAVY
79[Aside.]Here's work, i'faith.
SIR WALTER
80How sayst thou, Davy?
DAVY
81Higher, sir, by far; you cannot see the top of 'em.
YELLOWHAMMER
82What, man? Maudline, salute this gentlewoman —
83[Aside.]our daughter, if things hit right.
Enter Touchwood Junior.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
84
[Aside.]
My knight with a brace of footmen
85
Is come and brought up his ewe mutton
86
To find a ram at London; I must hasten it,
87
Or else pick a' famine; her blood's mine,
88
And that's the surest. Well, knight, that choice spoil
89
Is only kept for me.
[Draws Moll aside.]
MOLL
90Sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
91Turn not to me till thou mayst lawfully, It but whets my stomach, which is too sharp set already. Read that note carefully, keep me from suspicion still, nor know my zeal but in thy heart; read and send but thy liking in three words, I'll be at hand to take it.
YELLOWHAMMER
92O turn, sir, turn.
-->
93
A poor plain boy, an university man,
94
Proceeds next Lent to a Bachelor of Art;
95
He will be called Sir Yellowhammer then
96
Over all Cambridge, and that's half a knight.
MAUDLINE
97Please you draw near, and taste the welcome of the City, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
98Come, good Sir Walter, and your virtuous niece here.
SIR WALTER
99'Tis manners to take kindness.
YELLOWHAMMER
100Lead 'em in, wife.
SIR WALTER
101Your company, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
102I'll give't you instantly.
[Exeunt Maudline, Sir Walter, Davy and Welsh Gentlewoman.]
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
103
[Aside.]
How strangely busy is the Devil and riches;
104
Poor soul kept in too hard, her mother's eye
105
Is cruel toward her, being to him.
106
'Twere a good mirth now to set him a-work
107
To make her wedding ring. I must about it.
108
Rather than the game should fall to a stranger,
109
'Twas honesty in me to enrich my father.
YELLOWHAMMER
110
[Aside.]
The girl is wondrous peevish; I fear nothing
111
But that she's taken with some other love,
112
Then all's quite dashed. That must be narrowly looked to;
113
We cannot be too wary in our children.
114
[To touchwood Junior.]
What is't you lack?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
115
[Aside.]
O nothing now, all that I wish is present.
116
[To Yellowhammer.]
I would have a wedding ring made for a gentlewoman117
With all speed that may be.
YELLOWHAMMER
118
Of what weight, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Of some half ounce,
119
Stand fair and comely, with the spark of a diamond.
120
Sir, 'twere pity to lose the least grace.
YELLOWHAMMER
121
[Taking the stone.]
Pray let's see it; indeed, sir, 'tis a pure one.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
122
So is the mistress.
YELLOWHAMMER
123
Have you the wideness of her finger, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
124
Yes, sure, I think I have her measure about me —
125
Good faith, 'tis down; I cannot show't you,
126
I must pull too many things out to be certain.
127
Let me see: long, and slender, and neatly jointed;
128
Just such another gentlewoman that's your daughter, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
129
And therefore, sir, no gentlewoman.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
130
I protest I never saw two maids handed more alike;
131
I'll ne'er seek farther, if you'll give me leave, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
132
If you dare venture by her finger, sir.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
133
Ay, and I'll bide all loss, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
134
Say you so, sir? Let's see hither, girl.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
135
Shall I make bold with your finger, gentlewoman?
MOLL
136
Your pleasure, sir.
[Tries the ring on Moll's finger.]
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
137
That fits her to a hair, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
138
What's your posy now, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
139
Mass, that's true, posy, i'faith. E'en thus, sir:
140
'Love that's wise, blinds parents' eyes.'
YELLOWHAMMER
141
How, how? If I may speak without offence, sir,
142
I hold my life—
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
143
What, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
144
Go to, you'll pardon me?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
145
Pardon you? Ay, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
146
Will you, i'faith?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
147
Yes, faith I will.
YELLOWHAMMER
148
You'll steal away some man's daughter, am I near you?
149
Do you turn aside? You gentlemen are mad wags!
150
I wonder things can be so warily carried
151
And parents blinded so; but they're served right
152
That have two eyes and were so dull a sight.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
153
[Aside.]
Thy doom take hold of thee.
YELLOWHAMMER
154
Tomorrow noon shall show your ring well done.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
155Being so, 'tis soon; thanks, and your leave, sweet gentlewoman.
Exit.
MOLL
156Sir, you are welcome.
157[Aside.]O were I made of wishes, I went with thee.
YELLOWHAMMER
158
Come now, we'll see how the rules go within.
MOLL
159
[Aside.]
That robs my joy, there I lose all I win.
Ex[eunt].
[SCENE 2]
Enter Davy and Allwit severally.
DAVY
1
Honesty wash my eyes, I have spied a wittol.
ALLWIT
2
What, Davy Dahumma? Welcome from North Wales
3
I'faith, and is Sir Walter come?
DAVY
New come to town, sir.
ALLWIT
4Into the maids, sweet Davy, and give order his chamber be made ready instantly; my wife's as great as she can wallow, Davy, and longs for nothing but pickled cucumbers and his coming, and now she shall ha't, boy.
DAVY
5
She's sure of them, sir.
ALLWIT
6
Thy very sight will hold my wife in pleasure,
7
Till the knight come himself. Go in, in, in, Davy.
Exit [Davy].
8
The founder's come to town; I am like a man
9
Finding a table furnished to his hand,
10
As mine is still to me, prays for the founder:
11
'Bless the right worshipful, the good founder's life.'
12
I thank him, h'as maintained my house this ten years,
13
Not only keeps my wife, but a keeps me
14
And all my family; I am at his table,
15
He gets me all my children, and pays the nurse,
16
Monthly, or weekly, puts me to nothing,
17
Rent, nor church duties, not so much as the scavenger:
18
The happiest state that ever man was born to.
19
I walk out in a morning, come to breakfast,
20
Find excellent cheer, a good fire in winter;
21
Look in my coal house about midsummer eve,
22
That's full, five or six chaldron, new laid up;
23
Look in my back yard, I shall find a steeple
24
Made up with Kentish faggots, which o'erlooks
25
The waterhouse and the windmills; I say nothing,
26
But smile and pin the door. When she lies in,
27
As now she's even upon the point of grunting,
28
A lady lies not in like her; there's her embossings,
29
Embroid'rings, spanglings, and I know not what,
30
As if she lay with all the gaudy shops
31
In Gresham's Burse about her; then her restoratives,
32
Able to set up a young 'pothecary
33
And richly stock the foreman of a drug shop;
34
Her sugar by whole loaves, her wines by rundlets.
35
I see these things, but like a happy man,
36
I pay for none at all, yet fools think's mine;
37
I have the name, and in his gold I shine;
38
And where some merchants would in soul kiss hell
39
To buy a paradise for their wives, and dye
40
Their conscience in the bloods of prodigal heirs
41
To deck their night-piece, yet all this being done,
42
Eaten with jealousy to the inmost bone —
43
As what affliction nature more constrains
44
Than feed the wife plump for another's veins? —
45
These torments stand I freed of, I am as clear
46
From jealousy of a wife as from the charge:
47
O two miraculous blessings! 'Tis the knight
48
Hath took that labour all out of my hands:
49
I may sit still and play, he's jealous for me,
50
Watches her steps, sets spies. I live at ease,
51
He has both the cost and torment; when the strings
52
Of his heart fret, I feed, laugh, or sing,
53
La dildo, dildo la dildo, la dildo dildo de dildo.
Enter two Servants.
SERVANT 1
54What has he got a-singing in his head now?
SERVANT 2
55Now he's out of work he falls to making dildoes.
ALLWIT
56Now, sirs, Sir Walter's come.
SERVANT 1
57Is our master come?
ALLWIT
58Your master? What am I?
SERVANT 1
59Do not you know, sir?
ALLWIT
60Pray am not I your master?
SERVANT 1
61O you are but our mistress's husband.
Enter Sir Walter and Davy.
ALLWIT
62
Ergo knave, your master.
SERVANT 1
63Negatur argumentum. Here comes Sir Walter.
64[Aside to Second Servant.]Now 'a stands bare as well as we; make the most of him, he's but one peep above a servingman, and so much his horns make him.
SIR WALTER
65How dost, Jack?
ALLWIT
66Proud of your worship's health, sir.
SIR WALTER
67How does your wife?
ALLWIT
68
E'en after your own making, sir,
69
She's a tumbler, a'faith, the nose and belly meets.
SIR WALTER
70
They'll part in time again.
ALLWIT
71
At the good hour, they will, and please your worship.
SIR WALTER
72
[To Servant.]Here, sirrah, pull off my boots.
73
[To Allwit.]Put on, put on, Jack.
ALLWIT
74I thank your kind worship, sir.
SIR WALTER
75Slippers!
76
[Servant brings slippers.]Heart, you are sleepy.
ALLWIT
77[Aside.]The game begins already.
SIR WALTER
78Pish, put on, Jack.
ALLWIT
79[Aside.]Now I must do it, or he'll be as angry now as if I had put it on at first bidding; 'tis but observing,
80
[Puts on his hat.]'tis but observing a man's humour once, and he may ha' him by the nose all his life.
[Puts his hat back on.]
SIR WALTER
81
What entertainment has lain open here?
82
No strangers in my absence?
SERVANT 1
Sure, sir, not any.
ALLWIT
83[Aside.]His jealousy begins. Am not I happy now
-->
84
That can laugh inward whilst his marrow melts?
SIR WALTER
85
How do you satisfy me?
SERVANT 1
Good sir, be patient.
SIR WALTER
86
For two months' absence I'll be satisfied.
SERVANT 1
87
No living creature entered —
SIR WALTER
88
Entered? Come, swear —
SERVANT 1
89
You will not hear me out, sir —
SIR WALTER
90
Yes, I'll hear't out, sir.
SERVANT 1
91
Sir, he can tell himself.
SIR WALTER
Heart, he can tell!
92
Do you think I'll trust him? As a usurer
93
With forfeited lordships! Him? O monstrous injury!
94
Believe him? Can the devil speak ill of darkness?
95
What can you say, sir?
ALLWIT
96Of my soul and conscience, sir, she's a wife as honest of her body to me as any lord's proud lady can be.
SIR WALTER
97Yet, by your leave, I heard you were once offering to go to bed to her.
ALLWIT
98
No, I protest, sir.
SIR WALTER
99
Heart if you do, you shall take all. I'll marry!
ALLWIT
100
O I beseech you, sir —
SIR WALTER
101
[Aside.]
That wakes the slave, and keeps his flesh in awe.
ALLWIT
102
[Aside.]
I'll stop that gap
103
Where'er I find it open; I have poisoned
104
His hopes in marriage already —
105
Some old rich widows, and some landed virgins, —
Enter two children[, Wat and Nick].
106
And I'll fall to work still before I'll lose him;
107
He's yet too sweet to part from.
WAT
108
[To Allwit.]
God-den, father.
ALLWIT
109
Ha, villain, peace!
NICK
110
God-den, father.
ALLWIT
111Peace, bastard! [Aside]— Should he hear 'em! — These are two foolish children, they do not know the gentleman that sits there.
SIR WALTER
112Oh Wat! how dost, Nick? Go to school, ply your books, boys, ha?
ALLWIT
113
[To the children.]Where's your legs, whoresons!
114[Aside.]They should kneel indeed if they could say their prayers.
SIR WALTER
115[Aside.]Let me see, stay;
-->
116
How shall I dispose of these two brats now
117
When I am married? For they must not mingle
118
Amongst my children that I get in wedlock,
119
'Twill make foul work that, and raise many storms.
120
I'll bind Wat prentice to a goldsmith — my father Yellowhammer,
121
As fit as can be! Nick with some vintner; good, goldsmith
122
And vintner; there will be wine in bowls, i'faith.
Enter Allwit's Wife.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
123
Sweet knight,
124
Welcome; I have all my longings now in town,
125
Now well-come the good hour.
SIR WALTER
How cheers my mistress?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
126
Made lightsome e'en by him that made me heavy.
SIR WALTER
127
Methinks she shows gallantly, like a moon at full, sir.
ALLWIT
128True, and if she bear a male child, there's the man in the moon, sir.
SIR WALTER
129'Tis but the boy in the moon yet, goodman calf.
ALLWIT
130There was a man, the boy had never been there else.
SIR WALTER
131It shall be yours, sir.
ALLWIT
132No, by my troth, I'll swear it's none of mine, let him that got it keep it!
-->
133
[Aside.]
Thus do I rid myself of fear,
134
Lie soft, sleep hard, drink wine, and eat good cheer.
[Exeunt.]
ACT TWO
[SCENE 1]
Enter Touchwood Senior and his Wife.
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
1
'Twill be so tedious, sir, to live from you,
2
But that necessity must be obeyed.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
3
I would it might not, wife, the tediousness
4
Will be the most part mine, that understand
5
The blessings I have in thee; so to part,
6
That drives the torment to a knowing heart.
7
But as thou say'st, we must give way to need
8
And live awhile asunder; our desires
9
Are both too fruitful for our barren fortunes.
10
How adverse runs the destiny of some creatures:
11
Some only can get riches and no children,
12
We only can get children and no riches!
13
Then 'tis the prudent'st part to check our wills
14
And till our state rise make our bloods lie still.
15
[Aside.]
Life, every year a child, and some years two,
16
Besides drinkings abroad, that's never reckoned;
17
This gear will not hold out.
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
18
Sir, for a time, I'll take the courtesy of my uncle's house,
19
If you be pleased to like on't, till prosperity
20
Look with a friendly eye upon our states.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
21
Honest wife, I thank thee; I ne'er knew
22
The perfect treasure thou brought'st with thee more
23
Than at this instant minute. A man's happy
24
When he's at poorest that has matched his soul
25
As rightly as his body. Had I married
26
A sensual fool now, as 'tis hard to 'scape it
27
'Mongst gentlewomen of our time, she would ha' hanged
28
About my neck, and never left her hold
29
Till she had kissed me into wanton businesses,
30
Which at the waking of my better judgment
31
I should have cursed most bitterly
32
And laid a thicker vengeance on my act
33
Than misery of the birth, which were enough
34
If it were born to greatness, whereas mine
35
Is sure of beggary, though it were got in wine.
36
Fulness of joy showeth the goodness in thee.
37
Thou art a matchless wife; farewell, my joy.
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
38
I shall not want your sight?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I'll see thee often,
39
Talk in mirth, and play at kisses with thee,
40
Anything, wench, but what may beget beggars;
41
There I give o'er the set, throw down the cards,
42
And dare not take them up.
MISTRESS TOUCHWOOD
Your will be mine, sir.
Exit.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
43
This does not only make her honesty perfect,
44
But her discretion, and approves her judgment.
45
Had her desires been wanton, they'd been blameless
46
In being lawful ever, but of all creatures
47
I hold that wife a most unmatched treasure
48
That can unto her fortunes fix her pleasure,
49
And not unto her blood: this is like wedlock;
50
The feast of marriage is not lust but love,
51
And care of the estate. When I please blood,
52
Merely I sing, and suck out others'; then,
53
'Tis many a wise man's fault, but of all men
54
I am the most unfortunate in that game
55
That ever pleased both genders, I ne'er played yet
56
Under a bastard; the poor wenches curse me
57
To the pit where'er I come; they were ne'er served so,
58
But used to have more words than one to a bargain.
59
I have such a fatal finger in such business
60
I must forth with't, chiefly for country wenches,
61
For every harvest I shall hinder hay-making;
Enter a Wench with a child.
62
I had no less than seven lay in last Progress,
63
Within three weeks of one another's time.
WENCH
64
O snaphance, have I found you?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
65
How 'snaphance'?
WENCH
66
[Shows her child.]
Do you see your workmanship?67
Nay turn not from it, nor offer to escape, for if you do,
68
I'll cry it through the streets and follow you.
69
Your name may well be called Touchwood, a pox on you,
70
You do but touch and take; thou hast undone me;
71
I was a maid before, I can bring a certificate for it,
72
From both the churchwardens.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
73
I'll have the parson's hand too, or I'll not yield to't.
WENCH
74Thou shalt have more, thou villain! Nothing grieves me but Ellen, my poor cousin in Derbyshire, thou hast cracked her marriage quite; she'll have a bout with thee.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
75
Faith, when she will, I'll have a bout with her.
WENCH
76
A law bout, sir, I mean.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
77
True, lawyers use such bouts as other men do,
78
And if that be all thy grief, I'll tender her a husband;
79
I keep of purpose two or three gulls in pickle
80
To eat such mutton with, and she shall choose one.
81
Do but in courtesy, faith, wench, excuse me
82
Of this half yard of flesh, in which I think it wants
83
A nail or two.
WENCH
No, thou shalt find, villain,
84
It hath right shape, and all the nails it should have.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
85
Faith, I am poor; do a charitable deed, wench;
86
I am a younger brother, and have nothing.
WENCH
87
Nothing! Thou hast too much, thou lying villain,
88
Unless thou wert more thankful.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I have no dwelling,
89
I brake up house but this morning. Pray thee pity me;
90
I am a good fellow, faith, have been too kind
91
To people of your gender: if I ha't
92
Without my belly, none of your sex shall want it.
93[Aside.]That word has been of force to move a woman. —
-->
94
There's tricks enough to rid thy hand on't, wench:
95
Some rich man's porch, tomorrow before day,
96
Or else anon i'th'evening; twenty devices.
97
Here's all I have, i'faith, take purse and all.
98[Aside.]And would I were rid of all the ware i'the shop so.
WENCH
99
Where I find manly dealings, I am pitiful:
100
This shall not trouble you.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
101
And I protest, wench, the next I'll keep myself.
WENCH
102
Soft, let it be got first.
103
This is the fifth; if e'er I venture more,
104
Where I now go for a maid, may I ride for a whore.
Exit.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
105
What shift she'll make now with this piece of flesh
106
In this strict time of Lent, I cannot imagine;
107
Flesh dare not peep abroad now; I have known
108
This city now above this seven years,
109
But I protest in better state of government
110
I never knew it yet, nor ever heard of;
111
There has been more religious, wholesome laws
112
In the half circle of a year erected
113
For common good, than memory ever knew of,
Enter Sir Oliver Kix and his Lady.
114
Setting apart corruption of promoters
115
And other poisonous officers that infect
116
And with a venomous breath taint every goodness.
LADY KIX
117
O that e'er I was begot, or bred, or born!
SIR OLIVER
118
Be content, sweet wife.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
[Aside.]
What's here to do, now?
119
I hold my life she's in deep passion
120
For the imprisonment of veal and mutton
121
Now kept in garrets, weeps for some calf's head now;
122
Methinks her husband's head might serve, with bacon.
Enter Touchwood Junior.
LADY KIX
123
Hist!
SIR OLIVER
124
Patience, sweet wife.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
125
Brother, I have sought you strangely.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
126
Why, what's the business?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
127
With all speed thou canst, procure a licence for me.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
128
How, a licence?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
129
Cud's foot, she's lost else, I shall miss her ever.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
130
Nay, sure, thou shalt not miss so fair a mark
131
For thirteen shillings fourpence.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Thanks by hundreds.
Exit [with Touchwood Senior].
SIR OLIVER
132
Nay, pray thee cease, I'll be at more cost yet,
133
Thou know'st we are rich enough.
LADY KIX
All but in blessings,
134
And there the beggar goes beyond us. O! O! O!
135
To be seven years a wife and not a child! O not a child!
SIR OLIVER
136
Sweet wife, have patience.
LADY KIX
137
Can any woman have a greater cut?
SIR OLIVER
138
I know 'tis great, but what of that, wife?
139
I cannot do withal; there's things making
140
By thine own doctor's advice at 'pothecary's;
141
I spare for nothing, wife, no, if the price
142
Were forty marks a spoonful,
143
I'd give a thousand pound to purchase fruitfulness;
144
'Tis but bating so many good works
145
In the erecting of Bridewells and spital-houses,
146
And so fetch it up again, for, having none,
147
I mean to make good deeds my children.
LADY KIX
148
Give me but those good deeds, and I'll find children.
[Exit Touchwood Senior.]
SIR OLIVER
149
Hang thee, thou hast had too many!
LADY KIX
150
Thou liest, brevity!
SIR OLIVER
151
O horrible! Dar'st thou call me 'brevity'?
152
Dar'st thou be so short with me?
LADY KIX
153
Thou deservest worse.
154
Think but upon the goodly lands and livings
155
That's kept back through want on't.
SIR OLIVER
156
Talk not on't, pray thee;
157
Thou'lt make me play the woman and weep too.
LADY KIX
158
'Tis our dry barrenness puffs up Sir Walter;
159
None gets by your not-getting, but that knight;
160
He's made by th'means, and fats his fortune shortly
161
In a great dowry with a goldsmith's daughter.
SIR OLIVER
162
They may all be deceived,
163
Be but you patient, wife.
LADY KIX
164
I have suffered a long time.
SIR OLIVER
165
Suffer thy heart out, a pox suffer thee!
LADY KIX
166
Nay thee, thou desertless slave!
SIR OLIVER
167
Come, come, I ha' done.
168
You'll to the gossiping of Master Allwit's child?
LADY KIX
169
Yes, to my much joy!
170
Everyone gets before me: there's my sister
171
Was married but at Barthol'mew eve last,
172
And she can have two children at a birth.
173
O one of them, one of them would ha' served my turn.
SIR OLIVER
174
Sorrow consume thee, thou art still crossing me,
175
And know'st my nature —
Enter a Maid [Jugg].
JUGG
[Aside.]
O mistress! Weeping or railing,
176
That's our house harmony.
LADY KIX
177
What sayst, Jugg?
JUGG
178
The sweetest news.
LADY KIX
179
What is't, wench?
JUGG
180
Throw down your doctor's drugs,
181
They're all but heretics; I bring certain remedy
182
That has been taught, and proved, and never failed.
SIR OLIVER
183
O that, that, that or nothing.
JUGG
184
There's a gentleman,
185
I haply have his name, too, that has got
186
Nine children by one water that he useth:
187
It never misses; they come so fast upon him,
188
He was fain to give it over.
LADY KIX
His name, sweet Jugg?
JUGG
189
One Master Touchwood, a fine gentleman,
190
But run behind hand much with getting children.
SIR OLIVER
191
Is't possible?
JUGG
Why, sir, he'll undertake,
192
Using that water, within fifteen year,
193
For all your wealth, to make you a poor man,
194
You shall so swarm with children.
SIR OLIVER
195
I'll venture that, i'faith.
LADY KIX
That shall you, husband.
JUGG
196
But I must tell you first, he's very dear.
SIR OLIVER
197
No matter, what serves wealth for?
LADY KIX
True, sweet husband.
[SIR OLIVER]
198
There's land to come. Put case his water stands me
199
In some five hundred pound a pint,
200
'Twill fetch a thousand, and a kersten soul.
201
I'll about it.
[LADY KIX]
202
And that's worth all, sweet husband.
Ex[eunt.]
[SCENE 2]
Enter Allwit.
ALLWIT
1
I'll go bid gossips presently myself,
2
That's all the work I'll do; nor need I stir,
3
But that it is my pleasure to walk forth
4
And air myself a little; I am tied to nothing
5
In this business, what I do is merely recreation,
6
Not constraint.
7
Here's running to and fro, nurse upon nurse,
8
Three charwomen, besides maids and neighbours' children.
9
Fie, what a trouble I have rid my hands on!
10
It makes me sweat to think on't.
Enter Sir Walter Whorehound.
SIR WALTER
How now, Jack?
ALLWIT
11
I am going to bid gossips for your worship's child, sir.
12
A goodly girl, i'faith, give you joy on her,
13
She looks as if she had two thousand pound to her portion
14
And run away with a tailor; a fine, plump, black-eyed slut;
15
Under correction, sir,
16
I take delight to see her. - Nurse!
Enter a Dry Nurse.
DRY NURSE
Do you call, sir?
ALLWIT
17
I call not you, I call the wet nurse hither.
18
Give me the wet nurse.
Exit [Dry Nurse].
Enter Wet Nurse [carrying a baby].
Ay, 'tis thou,
19
Come hither, come hither,
20
Let's see her once again; I cannot choose
21
But buss her thrice an hour.
WET NURSE
22
You may be proud on't, sir,
23
'Tis the best piece of work that e'er you did.
ALLWIT
24
Think'st thou so, nurse? What sayest to Wat and Nick?
WET NURSE
25
They're pretty children both, but here's a wench
26
Will be a knocker.
ALLWIT
27
Pup! Sayst thou me so? Pup, little countess.
28
Faith, sir, I thank your worship for this girl,
29
Ten thousand times, and upward.
SIR WALTER
30
I am glad I have her for you, sir.
ALLWIT
31
Here, take her in, nurse; wipe her, and give her spoon-meat.
WET NURSE
32
[Aside.]
Wipe your mouth, sir.
Exit [with child].
ALLWIT
33
And now about these gossips.
SIR WALTER
34
Get but two, I'll stand for one myself.
ALLWIT
35
To your own child, sir?
SIR WALTER
36
The better policy, it prevents suspicion;
37
'Tis good to play with rumour at all weapons.
ALLWIT
38
Troth, I commend your care, sir; 'tis a thing
39
That I should ne'er have thought on.
SIR WALTER
[Aside.]
The more slave!
40
When man turns base, out goes his soul's pure flame,
41
The fat of ease o'erthrows the eyes of shame.
ALLWIT
42
I am studying who to get for godmother
43
Suitable to your worship. Now I ha' thought on't.
SIR WALTER
44
I'll ease you of that care, and please myself in't.
45
[Aside.]
My love, the goldsmith's daughter, if I send,
46
Her father will command her. — Davy Dahumma!
Enter Davy.
ALLWIT
47
I'll fit your worship then with a male partner.
SIR WALTER
48
What is he?
ALLWIT
49
A kind, proper gentleman, brother to Master Touchwood.
SIR WALTER
50
I know Touchwood: has he a brother living?
ALLWIT
51
A neat bachelor.
SIR WALTER
52
Now we know him, we'll make shift with him.
53
Dispatch, the time draws near. — Come hither, Davy.
Exit [with Davy].
ALLWIT
54
In troth, I pity him, he ne'er stands still.
55
Poor knight, what pains he takes: sends this way one,
56
That way another, has not an hour's leisure.
57
I would not have thy toil for all thy pleasure.
Enter two Promoters.
58
[Aside.]
Ha, how now? What are these that stand so close
59
At the street corner, pricking up their ears
60
And snuffing up their noses, like rich men's dogs
61
When the first course goes in? By the mass, promoters!
62
'Tis so, I hold my life, and planted there
63
To arrest the dead corps of poor calves and sheep,
64
Like ravenous creditors that will not suffer
65
The bodies of their poor departed debtors
66
To go to th'grave, but e'en in death to vex
67
And stay the corps, with bills of Middlesex.
68
This Lent will fat the whoresons up with sweetbreads
69
And lard their whores with lamb-stones; what their golls
70
Can clutch goes presently to their Molls and Dolls:
71
The bawds will be so fat with what they earn
72
Their chins will hang like udders by Easter eve
73
And, being stroked, will give the milk of witches.
74
How did the mongrels hear my wife lies in?
75
Well, I may baffle 'em gallantly. — By your favour, gentlemen,
76
I am a stranger both unto the City
77
And to her carnal strictness.
PROMOTER 1
Good; your will, sir?
ALLWIT
78
Pray tell me where one dwells that kills this Lent.
PROMOTER 1
79
How, kills? —
[Aside.]
Come hither, Dick; a bird, a bird!
PROMOTER 2
80
What is't that you would have?
ALLWIT
Faith, any flesh,
81
But I long especially for veal and green sauce.
PROMOTER 1
82
[Aside.]
Green goose, you shall be sauced.
ALLWIT
83
I have half a scornful stomach, no fish will be admitted.
PROMOTER 1
84
Not this Lent, sir?
ALLWIT
85
Lent! What cares colon here for Lent?
[Slaps his belly.]
PROMOTER 1
86
You say well, sir;
87
Good reason that the colon of a gentleman,
88
As you were lately pleased to term your worship, sir,
89
Should be fulfilled with answerable food,
90
To sharpen blood, delight health, and tickle nature.
91
Were you directed hither to this street, sir?
ALLWIT
92
That I was, ay, marry.
PROMOTER 2
And the butcher, belike,
93
Should kill and sell close in some upper room?
ALLWIT
94
Some apple loft, as I take it, or a coal house,
95
I know not which, i'faith.
PROMOTER 2
Either will serve.
96
[Aside.]
This butcher shall kiss Newgate, 'less he turn up
97
The bottom of the pocket of his apron. —
98
You go to seek him?
ALLWIT
Where you shall not find him;
99
I'll buy, walk by your noses with my flesh,
100
Sheep-biting mongrels, hand-basket freebooters!
101
My wife lies in; a foutra for promoters!
Exit.
PROMOTER 1
102That shall not serve your turn. What a rogue's this! How cunningly he came over us!
Enter a Man with meat in a basket.
PROMOTER 2
103Hush't, stand close.
MAN
104I have 'scaped well thus far; they say the knaves are wondrous hot and busy.
PROMOTER 1
105
By your leave, sir,
106
We must see what you have under your cloak there.
MAN
107Have? I have nothing.
PROMOTER 1
108No, do you tell us that? What makes this lump stick out then? We must see, sir.
MAN
109What will you see, sir? A pair of sheets, and two of my wife's foul smocks going to the washers?
PROMOTER 2
110
O we love that sight well, you cannot please us better!
[Searches the basket.]
111
What, do you gull us? Call you these shirts and smocks?
MAN
112
Now a pox choke you!
113
You have cozened me and five of my wife's kin'red
114
Of a good dinner; we must make it up now
115
With herrings and milk pottage.
Exit.
PROMOTER 1
'Tis all veal.
PROMOTER 2
116All veal? Pox, the worse luck! I promised faithfully to send this morning a fat quarter of lamb to a kind gentlewoman in Turnbull Street that longs, and how I'm crossed.
PROMOTER 1
117
Let's share this, and see what hap comes next then.
Enter another with a basket.
PROMOTER 2
118
Agreed. Stand close again; another booty.
119
What's he?
PROMOTER 1
Sir, by your favour.
MAN
Meaning me, sir?
PROMOTER 1
120
Good Master Oliver? Cry thee mercy, i'faith!
121
What has thou there?
MAN
122
A rack of mutton, sir, and half a lamb;
123
you know my mistress's diet.
PROMOTER 1
124
Go, go, we see thee not; away, keep close.
125
[Aside.]
Heart, let him pass! Thou'lt never have the wit
126
To know our benefactors.
[Exit Man.]
PROMOTER 2
I have forgot him.
PROMOTER 1
127
'Tis Master Beggarland's man, the wealthy merchant
128
That is in fee with us.
PROMOTER 2
129
Now I have a feeling of him.
PROMOTER 1
130
You know he purchased the whole Lent together,
131
Gave us ten groats a-piece on Ash Wednesday.
PROMOTER 2
132
True, true.
Enter a Wench with a basket, and a child in it under a loin of mutton.
PROMOTER 1
A wench.
PROMOTER 2
Why then, stand close indeed.
WENCH
133
[Aside.]
Women had need of wit, if they'll shift here,
134
And she that hath wit may shift anywhere.
PROMOTER 1
135
Look, look! Poor fool,
136
She has left the rump uncovered too,
137
More to betray her; this is like a murderer
138
That will outface the deed with a bloody band.
PROMOTER 2
139
What time of the year is't, sister?
WENCH
140
O sweet gentlemen, I am a poor servant,
141
Let me go.
PROMOTER 1
142
You shall, wench, but this must stay with us.
WENCH
143
O you undo me, sir!
144
'Tis for a wealthy gentlewoman that takes physic, sir;
145
The doctor does allow my mistress mutton.
146
O as you tender the dear life of a gentlewoman,
147
I'll bring my master to you; he shall show you
148
A true authority from the higher powers,
149
And I'll run every foot.
PROMOTER 2
Well, leave your basket then,
150
And run and spare not.
WENCH
Will you swear then to me
151
To keep it till I come.
PROMOTER 1
Now by this light, I will.
WENCH
152
What say you, gentleman?
PROMOTER 2
What a strange wench 'tis!
153
Would we might perish else.
WENCH
Nay then I run, sir.
Exit.
PROMOTER 1
154
And ne'er return, I hope.
PROMOTER 2
A politic baggage,
155
She makes us swear to keep it;
156
I prithee, look what market she hath made.
PROMOTER 1
157
[Emptying the basket.]
Imprimis, sir, a good fat loin of mutton;158
What comes next under this cloth?
159
Now for a quarter of lamb.
PROMOTER 2
160
Now for a shoulder of mutton.
PROMOTER 1
161
Done.
PROMOTER 2
162
Why, done, sir?
PROMOTER 1
163
[Feeling the basket.]
By the mass, I feel I have lost:164
'Tis of more weight, i'faith.
PROMOTER 2
Some loin of veal?
PROMOTER 1
165
No, faith, here's a lamb's head,
166
I feel that plainly. Why yet [I'll] win my wager.
[Discovers child.]
PROMOTER 2
167
Ha?
PROMOTER 1
168
'Swounds, what's here?
PROMOTER 2
169
A child!
PROMOTER 1
170
A pox of all dissembling cunning whores!
PROMOTER 2
171
Here's an unlucky breakfast!
PROMOTER 1
172
What shall's do?
PROMOTER 2
173
The quean made us swear to keep it too.
PROMOTER 1
174
We might leave it else.
PROMOTER 2
175
Villainous strange!
176
Life, had she none to gull but poor promoters
177
That watch hard for a living?
PROMOTER 1
178
Half our gettings must run in sugar-sops
179
And nurses' wages now, besides many a pound of soap
180
And tallow; we have need to get loins of mutton still,
181
To save suet to change for candles.
PROMOTER 2
182Nothing mads me but this was a lamb's head with you,
183you felt it. She has made calves' heads of us.
PROMOTER 1
184
Prithee, no more on't.
185
There's time to get it up; it is not come
186
To mid-Lent Sunday yet.
PROMOTER 2
187
I am so angry, I'll watch no more today.
PROMOTER 1
188
Faith, nor I neither.
PROMOTER 2
189
Why then I'll make a motion.
PROMOTER 1
190
Well, what is't?
PROMOTER 2
191Let's e'en go to the Checker at Queenhive and roast the loin of mutton, till young flood; then send the child to Brainford.
[Exeunt.]
[SCENE 3]
Enter Allwit in one of Sir Walter's suits, and Davy trussing him.
ALLWIT
1'Tis a busy day at our house, Davy.
DAVY
2Always the kursning day, sir.
ALLWIT
3Truss, truss me, Davy.
DAVY
4[Aside.] No matter and you were hanged, sir.
ALLWIT
5
How does this suit fit me, Davy?
DAVY
6Excellent neatly; my master's things were ever fit for you, sir, e'en to a hair, you know.
ALLWIT
7
Thou has hit it right, Davy,
8
We ever jumped in one, this ten years, Davy.
Enter a Servant with a box.
9
So, well said. What art thou?
SERVANT
10
Your comfit-maker's man, sir.
ALLWIT
11
O sweet youth, into the nurse quick,
12
Quick, 'tis time, i'faith
13
Your mistress will be here?
SERVANT
14
She was setting forth, sir.
Enter two Puritans.
ALLWIT
15Here comes our gossips now. O I shall have such kissing work today. Sweet Mistress Underman, welcome, i'faith.
PURITAN 1
16
Give you joy of your fine girl, sir,
17
Grant that her education may be pure,
18
And become one of the faithful.
ALLWIT
19
Thanks to your sisterly wishes, Mistress Underman.
PURITAN 2
20
Are any of the brethren's wives yet come?
ALLWIT
21
There are some wives within, and some at home.
PURITAN 1
22
Verily, thanks, sir.
[Exeunt Puritans.]
ALLWIT
23
Verily, you are an ass, forsooth;
24
I must fit all these times, or there's no music.
Enter two Gossips.
25
Here comes a friendly and familiar pair;
26
Now I like these wenches well.
GOSSIP 1
27
How dost, sirrah?
ALLWIT
28Faith, well, I thank you, neighbour, and how dost thou?
GOSSIP 2
29
Want nothing, but such getting, sir, as thine.
ALLWIT
30
My gettings, wench? They are poor.
GOSSIP 1
31
Fie that thou'lt say so!
32
Th'ast as fine children as a man can get.
DAVY
33[Aside.]Ay, as a man can get,
-->
34
And that's my master.
ALLWIT
They are pretty, foolish things.
35
Put to making in minutes;
36
I ne'er stand long about 'em.
37
Will you walk in, wenches?
[Exeunt Gossips.]
Enter Touchwood Junior and Moll.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
38The happiest meeting that our souls could wish for. Here's the ring ready; I am beholding unto your father's haste, h'as kept his hour.
MOLL
39He never kept it better.
Enter Sir Walter Whorehound.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
40Back, be silent.
SIR WALTER
41Mistress and partner, I will put you both into one cup.
[Drinks their health.]
DAVY
42
[Aside.]
Into one cup! Most proper:
43
A fitting compliment for a goldsmith's daughter.
ALLWIT
44
Yes, sir, that's he must be your worship's partner
45
In this day's business, Master Touchwood's brother.
SIR WALTER
46
I embrace your acquaintance, sir.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
47
It vows your service, sir.
SIR WALTER
48
It's near high time. Come, Master Allwit.
ALLWIT
49
Ready, sir.
SIR WALTER
50
Will't please you walk?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
51
Sir, I obey your time.
Ex[eunt.]
[SCENE 4]
Enter Midwife with the child, [Maudline, two Puritans] and the Gossips to the kurs'ning.
[Exit Midwife with child.]
GOSSIP 1
1
[Offering precedence.]
Good Mistress Yellowhammer.
MAUDLINE
2
In faith, I will not.
GOSSIP 1
3
Indeed it shall be yours.
MAUDLINE
4
I have sworn, i'faith.
GOSSIP 1
5
I'll stand still then.
MAUDLINE
6
So will you let the child go without company
7
And make me forsworn.
GOSSIP 1
8
You are such another creature.
[Exeunt Gossip 1 and Maudline.]
GOSSIP 2
9
Before me? I pray come down a little.
GOSSIP 3
10
Not a whit; I hope I know my place.
GOSSIP 2
11Your place? Great wonder, sure! Are you any better than a comfit-maker's wife?
GOSSIP 3
12
And that's as good at all times as a 'pothecary's.
GOSSIP 2
13
Ye lie! Yet I forbear you too.
[Exeunt Gossips 2 and 3.]
PURITAN 1
14Come, sweet sister, we go in unity and show the fruits of peace like children of the spirit.
PURITAN 2
15I love lowliness.
[Exeunt Puritans.]
GOSSIP 4
16
True, so say I: though they strive more,
17
There comes as proud behind as goes before.
GOSSIP 5
18
Every inch, i'faith.
[Exeunt.]
ACT THREE
[SCENE I]
Enter Touchwood Junior and a Parson.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
1
O sir, if ever you felt the force of love, pity it in me!
PARSON
2
Yes, though I ne'er was married, sir,
3
I have felt the force of love from good men's daughters,
4
And some that will be maids yet three years hence.
5
Have you got a licence?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Here, 'tis ready, sir.
PARSON
6
That's well.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
7
The ring and all things perfect, she'll steal hither.
PARSON
8
She shall be welcome, sir; I'll not be long
9
A-clapping you together.
Enter Moll and Touchwood Senior.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
O here she's come, sir.
PARSON
10
What's he?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
My honest brother.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Quick, make haste, sirs!
MOLL
11
You must dispatch with all the speed you can,
12
For I shall be missed straight; I made hard shift
13
For this small time I have.
PARSON
Then I'll not linger;
14
Place that ring upon her finger:
[Touchwood Junior places the ring on Moll's finger.]
15
This the finger plays the part,
16
Whose master-vein shoots from the heart.
17
Now join hands —
Enter Yellowhammer and Sir Walter.
YELLOWHAMMER
Which I will sever,
18
And so ne'er again meet never!
MOLL
O we are betrayed.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
19
Hard fate!
SIR WALTER
I am struck with wonder.
YELLOWHAMMER
20
Was this the politic fetch, thou mystical baggage,
21
Thou disobedient strumpet?
22
[To Sir Walter]
And were so wise to send for her to such an end?
SIR WALTER
23
Now I disclaim the end; you'll make me mad.
YELLOWHAMMER
24
And what are you, sir?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
25And you cannot see with those two glasses, put on a pair more.
YELLOWHAMMER
26
I dreamt of anger still. Here, take your ring, sir.
27
Ha, this? Life, 'tis the same: abominable!
28
Did not I sell this ring?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
29
I think you did, you received money for it.
YELLOWHAMMER
30
Heart, hark you, knight,
31
Here's no inconscionable villainy!
32
Set me a-work to make the wedding ring,
33
And come with an intent to steal my daughter:
34
Did ever runaway match it?
SIR WALTER
This your brother, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
35
He can tell that as well as I.
YELLOWHAMMER
36The very posy mocks me to my face:
-->
37
'Love that's wise, blinds parents' eyes.'
38
I thank your wisdom, sir, for blinding of us;
39
We have good hope to recover our sight shortly;
40
In the meantime, I will lock up this baggage
41
As carefully as my gold: she shall see as little sun,
42
If a close room or so can keep her from the light on't.
MOLL
43
O sweet father, for love's sake pity me.
YELLOWHAMMER
44
Away!
MOLL
45
[To Touchwood Junio.]
Farewell, sir, all content bless thee,46
And take this for comfort:
47
Though violence keep me, thou canst lose me never;
48
I am ever thine although we part for ever.
YELLOWHAMMER
49
Ay, we shall part you, minx.
Exit [with Moll].
SIR WALTER
50
Your acquaintance, sir, came very lately,
51
Yet it came too soon;
52
I must hereafter know you for no friend,
53
But one that I must shun like pestilence,
54
Or the disease of lust.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
55Like enough, sir; you ha' ta'en me at the worst time for words that e'er ye picked out; faith, do not wrong me, sir.
Exit [with Parson].
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
56
Look after him and spare not: there he walks
57
That never yet received baffling; you're blessed
58
More than e'er I knew. Go take your rest.
Exit.
SIR WALTER
59
I pardon you, you are both losers.
Exit.
[SCENE 2]
A bed thrust out upon the stage, Allwit's Wife in it.
Enter all the Gossips [with Maudline,Lady Kix, the Puritans, and Dry Nurse with the child.]
GOSSIP 1
1How is't, woman? We have brought you home a kursen soul.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
2
Ay, I thank your pains.
PURITAN 1
3
And verily well kursened, i'the right way,
4
Without idolatry or superstition,
5
After the pure manner of Amsterdam.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
6
Sit down, good neighbours. — Nurse!
NURSE
At hand, forsooth.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
7
Look they have all low stools.
NURSE
They have, forsooth.
GOSSIP 2
8
Bring the child hither, nurse. How say you now,
9
Gossip, is't not a chopping girl, so like the father?
GOSSIP 3
10
As if it had been spit out of his mouth,
11
Eyed, nosed and browed as like a girl can be,
12
Only, indeed, it has the mother's mouth.
GOSSIP 2
13
The mother's mouth up and down, up and down!
GOSSIP 3
14
'Tis a large child; she's but a little woman.
PURITAN 1
15
No believe me, a very spiny creature, but all heart,
16
Well mettled, like the faithful, to endure
17
Her tribulation here, and raise up seed.
GOSSIP 2
18She had a sore labour on't, I warrant you, you can tell, neighbour.
GOSSIP 3
19
O she had great speed;
20
We were afraid once,
21
But she made us all have joyful hearts again;
22
'Tis a good soul, i'faith;
23
The midwife found her a most cheerful daughter.
PURITAN 1
24
'Tis the spirit; the sisters are all like her.
Enter Sir Walter with two spoons and plate[, Moll] and Allwit.
GOSSIP 2
25
O here comes the chief gossip, neighbours.
[Exit Nurse with child.]
SIR WALTER
26
The fatness of your wishes to you all, ladies.
GOSSIP 3
27
O dear sweet gentleman, what fine words he has:
28
'The fatness of our wishes'.
GOSSIP 2
Calls us all 'ladies'!
GOSSIP 4
29
I promise you, a fine gentleman, and a courteous.
GOSSIP 2
30
Methinks her husband shows like a clown to him.
GOSSIP 3
31I would not care what clown my husband were too, so I had such fine children.
GOSSIP 2
32
She's all fine children, gossip.
GOSSIP 3
33
Ay, and see how fast they come.
PURITAN 1
34
Children are blessings, if they be got with zeal,
35
By the brethren, as I have five at home.
SIR WALTER
36
[To Mistress Allwit.]
The worst is past, I hope now, gossip.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
37
So I hope too, good sir.
ALLWIT
38
[Aside.]
Why then so hope I too for company!
39
I have nothing to do else.
SIR WALTER
40
[Giving cup and spoons]
A poor remembrance, lady,41
To the love of the babe; I pray accept of it.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
42
O you are at too much charge, sir.
GOSSIP 2
43
Look, look, what has he given her! What is't, gossip?
GOSSIP 3
44Now, by my faith, a fair high standing cup and two great 'postle spoons, one of them gilt.
PURITAN 1
45Sure that was Judas then with the red beard.
PURITAN 2
46I would not feed my daughter with that spoon for all the world, for fear of colouring her hair; red hair the brethren like not, it consumes them much; 'tis not the sisters' colour.
Enter Nurse with comfits and wine.
ALLWIT
47
Well said, nurse;
48
About, about with them amongst the gossips.
49
[Aside.]
Now out comes all the tasseled handkerchers;
50
They are spread abroad between their knees already;
51
Now in goes the long fingers that are washed
52
Some thrice a day in urine — my wife uses it.
53
Now we shall have such pocketing;
54
See how they lurch at the lower end.
PURITAN 1
55
Come hither, nurse.
ALLWIT
56
[Aside.]
Again! She has taken twice already.
PURITAN 1
57
I had forgot a sister's child that's sick.
[Takes more comfits.]
ALLWIT
58[Aside.]A pox, it seems your purity loves sweet things well that puts in thrice together. Had this been all my cost now I had been beggared. These women have no consciences at sweetmeats, where'er they come; see and they have not culled out all the long plums, too, they have left nothing here but short wriggle-tail comfits, not worth mouthing; no mar'l I heard a citizen complain once that his wife's belly only broke his back: mine had been all in fitters seven years since, but for this worthy knight that with a prop upholds my wife and me, and all my estate buried in Bucklersberrie.
[Wine is served.]
MISTRESS ALLWIT
59
Here, Mistress Yellowhammer, and neighbours,
60
To you all that have taken pains with me,
61
All the good wives at once.
[Drinks to their health.]
PURITAN 1
I'll answer for them.
62
They wish all health and strength,
63
And that you may courageously go forward,
64
To perform the like and many such,
65
Like a true sister with motherly bearing.
[Drinks.]
ALLWIT
66
[Aside.]
Now the cups troll about to wet the gossips' whistles;
67
It pours down, i'faith; they never think of payment.
PURITAN 1
68
Fill again, nurse.
[Drinks again.]
ALLWIT
69
Now bless thee, two at once! I'll stay no longer;
70
It would kill me and if I paid for't.
71
[To Sir Walter.]
Will it please you to walk down and leave the women?
SIR WALTER
72
With all my heart, Jack.
ALLWIT
73
Troth, I cannot blame you.
SIR WALTER
74
Sit you all, merry ladies.
ALL GOSSIPS
75
Thank your worship, sir.
PURITAN 1
76
Thank your worship, sir.
ALLWIT
77
[Aside.]
A pox twice tipple ye, you are last and lowest!
Exit [Allwit with Sir Walter].
PURITAN 1
78Bring hither that same cup, nurse, I would fain drive away this (hup!) antichristian grief.
[Nurse refills the glass, then exits.]
GOSSIP 3
79
See, gossip, and she lies not in like a countess;
80
Would I had such a husband for my daughter!
GOSSIP 4
81
Is not she toward marriage?
GOSSIP 3
O no, sweet gossip!
GOSSIP 4
82
Why, she's nineteen!
GOSSIP 3
Ay, that she was last Lammas;
83
But she has a fault, gossip, a secret fault.
GOSSIP 4
84
A fault, what is't?
GOSSIP 3
I'll tell you when I have drunk.
[Drinks.]
GOSSIP 4
85
[Aside.]
Wine can do that, I see, that friendship cannot.
GOSSIP 3
86
And now I'll tell you, gossip: she's too free.
GOSSIP 4
87
Too free?
GOSSIP 3
O ay, she cannot lie dry in her bed.
GOSSIP 4
88
What, and nineteen?
GOSSIP 3
'Tis as I tell you, gossip.
[Enter Nurse and speaks to Maudline.]
MAUDLINE
89
Speak with me, nurse? Who is't?
NURSE
90
A gentleman from Cambridge;
91
I think it be your son, forsooth.
MAUDLINE
92
'Tis my son Tim, i'faith.
93
Prithee call him up among the women;
[Exit Nurse.]
94
'Twill embolden him well,
95
For he wants nothing but audacity.
96
Would the Welsh gentlewoman at home were here now.
LADY KIX
97
Is your son come, forsooth?
MAUDLINE
98
Yes, from the university, forsooth.
LADY KIX
99
'Tis a great joy on ye.
MAUDLINE
100
There's a great marriage towards for him.
LADY KIX
101
A marriage?
MAUDLINE
102
Yes, sure, a huge heir in Wales,
103
At lease to nineteen mountains,
104
Besides her goods and cattle.
Enter [Nurse with] Tim.
TIM
O I'm betrayed!
Exit.
MAUDLINE
105
What, gone again? Run after him, good nurse;
[Exit Nurse.]
106
He's so bashful, that's the spoil of youth;
107
In the university they're kept still to men,
108
And ne'er trained up to women's company.
LADY KIX
109
'Tis a great spoil of youth, indeed.
Enter Nurse and Tim.
NURSE
110
Your mother will have it so.
MAUDLINE
111
Why son, why Tim!
112
What, must I rise and fetch you? For shame, son!
TIM
113
Mother, you do intreat like a freshwoman;
114
'Tis against the laws of the university
115
For any that has answered under Bachelor
116
To thrust 'mongst married wives.
MAUDLINE
117
Come, we'll excuse you here.
TIM
118
Call up my tutor, mother, and I care not.
MAUDLINE
119
What is your tutor come? Have you brought him up?
TIM
120
I ha' not brought him up, he stands at door:
121
Negatur. There's logic to begin with you, mother.
MAUDLINE
122
Run, call the gentleman, nurse, he's my son's tutor.
[Exit Nurse.]
123
Here, eat some plums.
TIM
124
Come I from Cambridge, and offer me six plums?
MAUDLINE
125
Why, how now, Tim,
126
Will not your old tricks yet be left?
TIM
127
Served like a child,
128
When I have answered under bachelor?
MAUDLINE
129You'll never lin till I make your tutor whip you; you know how I served you once at the free school in Paul's churchyard?
TIM
130
O monstrous absurdity!
131
Ne'er was the like in Cambridge since my time;
132
Life, whip a bachelor? You'd be laughed at soundly;
133
Let not my tutor hear you!
134
'Twould be a jest through the whole university;
135
No more words, mother.
Enter Tutor.
MAUDLINE
136
Is this your tutor, Tim?
TUTOR
137Yes surely, lady, I am the man that brought him in league with logic, and read the Dunces to him.
TIM
138That did he, mother, but now I have 'em all in my own pate, and can as well read 'em to others.
TUTOR
139
That can he, mistress, for they flow naturally from him.
MAUDLINE
140
I'm the more beholding to your pains, sir.
TUTOR
141
Non ideo sane.
MAUDLINE
142
True, he was an idiot indeed
143
When he went out of London, but now he's well mended.
144
Did you receive the two goose pies I sent you?
TUTOR
145
And eat them heartily, thanks to your worship.
MAUDLINE
146
'Tis my son Tim: I pray bid him welcome, gentlewomen.
TIM
147
'Tim'? Hark you, 'Timotheus', mother, 'Timotheus'.
MAUDLINE
148
How? Shall I deny your name? 'Timotheus', quoth he?
149
Faith, there's a name! 'Tis my son Tim, forsooth.
LADY KIX
150
You're welcome, Master Tim.
Kiss.
TIM
151
[Aside to Tutor.]
O this is horrible, she wets as she kisses!
152
Your handkercher, sweet tutor, to wipe them off as fast as they come on.
GOSSIP 2
153
Welcome from Cambridge.
Kiss.
TIM
154[Aside to Tutor.]This is intolerable! This woman has a villainous sweet breath, did she not stink of comfits. Help me, sweet tutor, or I shall rub my lips off.
TUTOR
155I'll go kiss the lower end the whilst.
TIM
156Perhaps that's the sweeter, and we shall dispatch the sooner.
PURITAN 1
157Let me come next. Welcome from the well-spring of discipline that waters all the brethren.
Reels and falls.
TIM
158Hoist, I beseech thee.
GOSSIP 3
159
O bless the woman! — Mistress Underman!
[Puritan 1 is helped to her feet.]
PURITAN 1
160
'Tis but the common affliction of the faithful,
161
We must embrace our falls.
TIM
162
[Aside to Tutor.]
I'm glad I 'scaped it, it was some rotten kiss, sure:
163
It dropped down before it came at me.
Enter Allwit and Davy.
ALLWIT
164
[Aside.]
Here's a noise! Not parted yet?
165
Hyda, a looking glass! They have drunk so hard in plate
166
That some of them had need of other vessels.
167
[Aloud.]
Yonder's the bravest show.
ALL GOSSIPS
168
Where? Where, sir?
ALLWIT
169
Come along presently by the Pissing-conduit,
170
With two brave drums and a standard bearer.
ALL GOSSIPS
171
O brave!
TIM
172
Come, tutor.
Ex[eunt Tim and Tutor.]
ALL GOSSIPS
173
Farewell, sweet gossip.
Ex[eunt Gossips.]
MISTRESS ALLWIT
174
I thank you all for your pains.
PURITAN 1
175
Feed and grow strong.
[Exeunt all except Allwit and Davy.]
ALLWIT
176
You had more need to sleep than eat;
177
Go take a nap with some of the brethren, go,
178
And rise up a well-edified, boldified sister!
179
O here's a day of toil well passed o'er,
180
Able to make a citizen hare mad!
181
How hot they have made the room with their thick bums;
182
Dost not feel it, Davy?
DAVY
183
Monstrous strong, sir.
ALLWIT
184
What's here under the stools?
DAVY
185
Nothing but wet, sir; some wine spilt here, belike.
ALLWIT
186
Is't no worse, thinkst thou?
187
Fair needlework stools cost nothing with them, Davy.
DAVY
188
[Aside.]
Nor you neither, i'faith.
ALLWIT
189
Look how they have laid them,
190
E'en as they lie themselves, with their heels up;
191
How they have shuffled up the rushes too, Davy,
192
With their short, figging, little, shittle-cork heels!
193
These women can let nothing stand as they find it.
194
But what's the secret thou'st about to tell me,
195
My honest Davy?
DAVY
196
If you should disclose it, sir —
ALLWIT
197
Life, rip my belly up to the throat then, Davy.
DAVY
198
My master's upon marriage.
ALLWIT
199
Marriage, Davy? Send me to hanging rather.
DAVY
200
[Aside.]
I have stung him.
ALLWIT
201
When, where? What is she, Davy?
DAVY
202
E'en the same was gossip, and gave the spoon.
ALLWIT
203
I have no time to stay, nor scarce can speak;
204
I'll stop those wheels, or all the work will break.
Exit.
DAVY
205
I knew 'twould prick. Thus do I fashion still
206
All mine own ends by him and his rank toil:
207
'Tis my desire to keep him still from marriage;
208
Being his poor nearest kinsman, I may fare
209
The better at his death; there my hopes build
210
Since my Lady Kix is dry, and hath no child.
Exit.
[SCENE 3]
Enter both the Touchwoods.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
1
Y'are in the happiest way to enrich yourself
2
And pleasure me, brother, as man's feet can tread in,
3
For though she be locked up, her vow is fixed only to me;
4
Then time shall never grieve me, for by that vow,
5
E'en absent I enjoy her, assuredly confirmed that none
6
Else shall, which will make tedious years seem gameful
7
To me. In the mean space, lose you no time, sweet brother;
8
You have the means to strike at this knight's fortunes
9
And lay him level with his bankrout merit;
10
Get but his wife with child, perch at tree top,
11
And shake the golden fruit into her lap.
12
About it before she weep herself to a dry ground,
13
And whine out all her goodness.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Prithee, cease;
14
I find a too much aptness in my blood
15
For such a business without provocation;
16
You might well spared this banquet of eryngoes,
17
Artichokes, potatoes, and your buttered crab;
18
They were fitter kept for your own wedding dinner.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
19
Nay and you'll follow my suit, and save my purse too,
20
Fortune dotes on me: he's in happy case
21
Finds such an honest friend i'the common place.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
22
Life, what makes thee so merry? Thou hast no cause
23
That I could hear of lately since thy crosses,
24
Unless there be news come, with new additions.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
25
Why there thou hast it right,
26
I look for her this evening, brother.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
27
How's that, 'look for her'?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
28
I will deliver you of the wonder straight, brother:
29
By the firm secrecy and kind assistance
30
Of a good wench i'the house, who, made of pity,
31
Weighing the case her own, she's led through gutters,
32
Strange hidden ways, which none but love could find,
33
Or ha' the heart to venture; I expect her
34
Where you would little think.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
I care not where,
35
So she be safe, and yours.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
Hope tells me so;
36
But from your love and time my peace must grow.
Exit.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
37
You know the worst then, brother. Now to my Kix,
38
The barren he and she; they're i'the next room;
39
But to say which of their two humours hold them
40
Now at this instant, I cannot say truly.
SIR OLIVER
41
[To his Lady within.]
Thou liest, barrenness!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
42
O is't that time of day? Give you joy of your tongue,
43
There's nothing else good in you: this their life
44
The whole day, from eyes open to eyes shut,
45
Kissing or scolding, and then must be made friends,
46
Then rail the second part of the first fit out,
47
And then be pleased again, no man knows which way;
48
Fall out like giants, and fall in like children;
49
Their fruit can witness as much.
Enter Sir Oliver Kix and his Lady.
SIR OLIVER
50
'Tis thy fault.
LADY KIX
51
Mine, drouth and coldness?
SIR OLIVER
52
Thine, 'tis thou art barren.
LADY KIX
53
I barren! O life, that I durst but speak now,
54
In mine own justice, in mine own right! I barren!
55
'Twas otherways with me when I was at Court;
56
I was ne'er called so till I was married.
SIR OLIVER
57
I'll be divorced.
LADY KIX
Be hanged! I need not wish it,
58
That will come too soon to thee: I may say
59
'Marriage and hanging goes by destiny',
60
For all the goodness I can find in't yet.
SIR OLIVER
61
I'll give up house, and keep some fruitful whore,
62
Like an old bachelor, in a tradesman's chamber;
63
She and her children shall have all.
LADY KIX
Where be they?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
64
Pray cease;
65
When there are friendlier courses took for you
66
To get and multiply within your house,
67
At your own proper costs in spite of censure,
68
Methinks an honest peace might be established.
SIR OLIVER
69
What, with her? Never.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Sweet sir!
SIR OLIVER
You work all in vain.
LADY KIX
70
Then he doth all like thee.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Let me intreat, sir.
SIR OLIVER
71
Singleness confound her!
72
I took her with one smock.
LADY KIX
73
But indeed you came not so single,
74
When you came from shipboard.
SIR OLIVER
75
[Aside.]
Heart, she bit sore there!
76
[To Touchwood Senior.]
Prithee, make's friends.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
77
[Aside.]
Is't come to that? The peal begins to cease.
SIR OLIVER
78
I'll sell all at an outcry.
LADY KIX
Do thy worst, slave!
79
[To Touchwood Senior.]
Good sweet sir, bring us into love again.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
80
[Aside.]
Some would think this impossible to compass. —
81
Pray let this storm fly over.
SIR OLIVER
82
Good sir, pardon me: I'm master of this house,
83
Which I'll sell presently, I'll clap up bills this evening.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
84
Lady, friends – come!
LADY KIX
85
If e'er ye loved woman, talk not on't, sir.
86
What, friends with him? Good faith, do you think I'm mad?
87
With one that's scarce the hinder quarter of a man?
SIR OLIVER
88
Thou art nothing of a woman.
LADY KIX
89
Would I were less than nothing.
Weeps.
SIR OLIVER
90
Nay, prithee, what dost mean?
LADY KIX
I cannot please you.
SIR OLIVER
91
I'faith, thou art a good soul, he lies that says it;
92
Buss, buss, pretty rogue.
[Kisses her.]
LADY KIX
You care not for me.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
93
[Aside.]
Can any man tell now which way they came in?
94
By this light, I'll be hanged then!
SIR OLIVER
95
Is the drink come?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
96
[Aside.]
Here's a little vial of almond-milk
97
That stood me in some three pence.
SIR OLIVER
98
I hope to see thee, wench, within these few years,
99
Circled with children, pranking up a girl,
100
And putting jewels in their little ears;
101
Fine sport, i'faith.
LADY KIX
Ay, had you been aught, husband,
102
It had been done ere this time.
SIR OLIVER
103
'Had been aught'! Hang thee, hadst thou been aught!
104
But a cross thing I ever found thee.
LADY KIX
105
Thou art a grub to say so.
SIR OLIVER
A pox on thee!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
106
[Aside.]
By this light they are out again at the same door,
107
And no man can tell which way. —
108
Come, here's your drink, sir.
SIR OLIVER
109
I will not take it now, sir,
110
And I were sure to get three boys ere midnight.
LADY KIX
111
Why there thou show'st now of what breed thou com'st,
112
To hinder generation! O thou villain,
113
That knows how crookedly the world goes with us
114
For want of heirs, yet put by all good fortune.
SIR OLIVER
115
Hang, strumpet, I will take it now in spite!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
116
Then you must ride upon't five hours.
SIR OLIVER
117
I mean so. — Within there!
Enter a Servant.
SERVANT
118
Sir?
SIR OLIVER
119
Saddle the white mare;
120
I'll take a whore along, and ride to Ware.
LADY KIX
Ride to the Devil!
SIR OLIVER
121
I'll plague you every way.
122
Look ye, do you see, 'tis gone.
Drinks.
LADY KIX
123
A pox go with it!
SIR OLIVER
Ay, curse and spare not now.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
124
Stir up and down, sir, you must not stand.
SIR OLIVER
125
Nay, I'm not given to standing.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
126
So much the better, sir, for the —
SIR OLIVER
127
I never could stand long in one place yet,
128
I learnt it of my father, ever figient.
129
How if I crossed this, sir?
Capers.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
130O passing good, sir, and would show well a-horseback; when you come to your inn, if you leapt over a joint-stool or two 'twere not amiss. [Aside]— Although you brake your neck, sir.
SIR OLIVER
131
What say you to a table thus high, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
132Nothing better, sir. If it be furnished with good victuals. — You remember how the bargain runs about this business?
SIR OLIVER
133Or else I had a bad head; you must receive, sir, four hundred pounds of me at four several payments: one hundred pound now in hand.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
134
Right, that I have, sir.
SIR OLIVER
135Another hundred when my wife is quick; the third when she's brought a-bed; and the last hundred when the child cries, for if it should be stillborn, it doth no good, sir.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
136
All this is even still; a little faster, sir.
SIR OLIVER
137
Not a whit, sir,
138
I'm in an excellent pace for any physic.
Enter a Servant.
SERVANT
139
Your white mare's ready.
SIR OLIVER
I shall up presently.
Exit Servant.
140
One kiss, and farewell.
LADY KIX
Thou shalt have two, love.
SIR OLIVER
141
Expect me about three.
Exit.
LADY KIX
With all my heart, sweet.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
142
[Aside.]
By this light they have forgot their anger since,
143
And are as far in again as e'er they were.
144
Which way the devil came they? Heart, I saw 'em not,
145
Their ways are beyond finding out. — Come, sweet lady.
LADY KIX
146
How must I take mine, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
147
Clean contrary, yours must be taken lying.
LADY KIX
148
Abed, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
149
Abed, or where you will for your own ease;
150
Your coach will serve.
LADY KIX
The physic must needs please.
Ex[eunt.]
ACT FOUR
[SCENE 1]
Enter Tim and Tutor.
TIM
1Negatur argumentum, tutor.
TUTOR
2Probo tibi, pupil, stultus non est animal rationale.
TIM
3Falleris sane.
TUTOR
4Quaeso ut taceas: probo tibi —
TIM
5Quomodo probas, domine?
TUTOR
6Stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale.
TIM
7Sic argumentaris, domine: stultus non habet rationem, ergo non est animal rationale. Negatur argumentum again, tutor.
TUTOR
8Argumentum iterum probo tibi, domine: qui non participat de ratione, nullo modo potest vocari rationalis; but stultus non participat de ratione, ergo stultus nullo modo potest dici rationalis.
TIM
9Participat.
TUTOR
10Sic disputas: qui participat, quomodo participat?
TIM
11Ut homo, probabo tibi in syllogismo.
TUTOR
12Hunc proba.
TIM
13Sic probo, domine: stultus est homo sicut tu et ego summus; homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
Enter Maudline.
MAUDLINE
14
Here's nothing but disputing all the day long with 'em.
TUTOR
15Sic disputus: stultus est homo sicut tu et ego summus, homo est animal rationale, sicut stultus est animal rationale.
MAUDLINE
16
Your reasons are both good what e'er they be;
17
Pray, give them o'er; faith, you'll tire yourselves.
18
What's the matter between you?
TIM
19
Nothing but reasoning about a fool, mother.
MAUDLINE
20About a fool, son? Alas, what need you trouble your heads about that? None of us all but knows what a fool is.
TIM
21
Why, what's a fool, mother?
22
I come to you now.
MAUDLINE
23Why, one that's married before he has wit.
TIM
24'Tis pretty, i'faith, and well guessed of a woman never brought up at the university; but bring forth what fool you will, mother, I'll prove him to be as reasonable a creature as myself or my tutor here.
MAUDLINE
25Fie, 'tis impossible.
TUTOR
26
Nay, he shall do't, forsooth.
TIM
27
'Tis the easiest thing to prove a fool by logic;
28
By logic I'll prove anything.
MAUDLINE
29What, thou wilt not!
TIM
30
I'll prove a whore to be an honest woman.
MAUDLINE
31Nay, by my faith, she must prove that herself, or logic will never do't.
TIM
32
'Twill do't I tell you.
MAUDLINE
33Some in this street would give a thousand pounds that you could prove their wives so.
TIM
34Faith, I can, and all their daughters too, though they had three bastards. When comes your tailor hither?
MAUDLINE
35Why what of him?
TIM
36
By logic I'll prove him to be a man,
37
Let him come when he will.
MAUDLINE
38How hard at first was learning to him! Truly, sir, I thought he would never a took the Latin tongue. How many Accidences do you think he wore out ere he came to his Grammar?
TUTOR
39Some three or four?
MAUDLINE
40Believe me, sir, some four and thirty.
TIM
41Pish, I made haberdines of 'em in church porches.
MAUDLINE
42He was eight years in his Grammar and stuck horribly at a foolish place there called as in presenti.
TIM
43Pox, I have it here now.
[Taps his forehead.]
MAUDLINE
44He so shamed me once before an honest gentleman that knew me when I was a maid.
TIM
45These women must have all out.
MAUDLINE
46'Quid est grammatica?' says the gentleman to him (I shall remember by a sweet, sweet token), but nothing could he answer.
TUTOR
47How now, pupil, ha? Quid est grammatica?
TIM
48Grammatica? Ha, ha, ha!
MAUDLINE
49Nay, do not laugh, son, but let me hear you say it now: there was one word went so prettily off the gentleman's tongue, I shall remember it the longest day of my life.
TUTOR
50
Come, quid est grammatica?
TIM
51Are you not ashamed, tutor? Grammatica? Why, recte scribendi atque loquendi ars, sir-reverence of my mother.
MAUDLINE
52That was it, i'faith! Why now, son, I see you are a deep scholar; and, master tutor, a word I pray. Let us withdraw a little into my husband's chamber; I'll send in the North Wales gentlewoman to him, she looks for wooing. I'll put together both and lock the door.
TUTOR
53I give great approbation to your conclusion.
Exit [with Maudline].
TIM
54
I mar'l what this gentlewoman should be
55
That I should have in marriage: she's a stranger to me;
56
I wonder what my parents mean, i'faith,
57
To match me with a stranger so:
58
A maid that's neither kiff nor kin to me.
59
Life, do they think I have no more care of my body
60
Than to lie with one that I ne'er knew,
61
A mere stranger,
62
One that ne'er went to school with me neither,
63
Nor ever playfellows together?
64
They're mightily o'erseen in't, methinks.
65
They say she has mountains to her marriage;
66
She's full of cattle, some two thousand runts;
67
Now what the meaning of these runts should be,
68
My tutor cannot tell me;
69
I have looked in Rider's Dictionary for the letter R
70
And there I can hear no tidings of these runts neither;
71
Unless they should be Rumford hogs,
72
I know them not.
Enter Welsh Gentlewoman.
73
And here she comes.
74
If I know what to say to her now
75
In the way of marriage, I'm no graduate!
76
Methinks, i'faith, 'tis boldly done of her
77
To come into my chamber, being but a stranger;
78
She shall not say I'm so proud yet, but I'll speak to her:
79
Marry, as I will order it,
80
She shall take no hold of my words, I'll warrant her.
[She curtsys.]
81
She looks and makes a cur'sey! —
82
Salve tu quoque, puella pulcherrima,
83
Quid vis nescio nec sane curo, —
84
Tully's own phrase to a heart!
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
85
[Aside.]
I know not what he means;
86
A suitor, quotha?
87
I hold my life he understands no English.
TIM
88
Fertur, mehercule tu virgo,
89
Wallia ut opibus abundis maximis.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
90
[Aside.]
What's this fertur and abundundis?
91
He mocks me sure, and calls me a bundle of farts.
TIM
92[Aside.]I have no Latin word now for their runts; I'll make some shift or other. — Iterum dico, opibus abundas maximis montibus et fontibus et, ut ita dicam, rontibus; attamen vero homanculus ego sum natura simul et arte baccalaureus, lecto profecto non paratus.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
93[Aside.]This is most strange. May be he can speak Welsh. — Avedera whee comrage, derdue cog foginis?
TIM
94[Aside.] Cog foggin? I scorn to cog with her; I'll tell her so too, in a word near her own language. — Ego non cogo.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
95Rhegosin a whiggin harle ron corid ambre.
TIM
96
[Aside.]
By my faith, she's a good scholar, I see that already:
97
She has the tongues plain; I hold my life she has travelled.
98
What will folks say? 'There goes the learned couple!'
99
Faith, if the truth were known, she hath proceeded.
Enter Maudline.
MAUDLINE
100
How now, how speeds your business?
TIM
101
[Aside.]
I'm glad my mother's come to part us.
MAUDLINE
102
How do you agree, forsooth?
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
103
As well as e'er we did before we met.
MAUDLINE
104
How's that?
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
105
You put me to a man I understand not;
106
Your son's no English man methinks.
MAUDLINE
107
No English man? Bless my boy,
108
And born i'the heart of London!
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
109
I ha' been long enough in the chamber with him
110
And I find neither Welsh nor English in him.
MAUDLINE
111
Why, Tim, how have you used the gentlewoman?
TIM
112
As well as a man might do, mother, in modest Latin.
MAUDLINE
113
Latin, fool!
TIM
114
And she recoiled in Hebrew.
MAUDLINE
115
In Hebrew, fool? 'Tis Welsh.
TIM
116
All comes to one, mother.
MAUDLINE
117
She can speak English too.
TIM
118
Who told me so much?
119
Heart, and she can speak English, I'll clap to her;
120
I thought you'd marry me to a stranger.
MAUDLINE
121
You must forgive him, he's so inured to Latin,
122
He and his tutor, that he hath quite forgot
123
To use the Protestant tongue.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
124
'Tis quickly pardoned, forsooth.
MAUDLINE
125
Tim, make amends and kiss her.
126
[To her.]
He makes towards you, forsooth.
[Tim kisses Welsh Gentlewoman.]
TIM
127O delicious! One may discover her country by her kissing. 'Tis a true saying, 'There's nothing tastes so sweet as your Welsh mutton.' — It was reported you could sing.
MAUDLINE
128O rarely, Tim, the sweetest British songs.
TIM
129
And 'tis my mind, I swear, before I marry
130
I would see all my wife's good parts at once,
131
To view how rich I were.
MAUDLINE
132
Thou shalt hear sweet music, Tim.
[To Welsh Gentlewoman.]
Pray, forsooth.
Music and Welsh song.
THE SONG [sung by Welsh Gentlewoman].
133
Cupid is Venus' only joy,
134
But he is a wanton boy,
135
A very, very wanton boy;
136
He shoots at ladies' naked breasts,
137
He is the cause of most men's crests,
138
I mean upon the forehead,
139
Invisible but horrid;
140
'Twas he first taught upon the way
141
To keep a lady's lips in play.
142
Why should not Venus chide her son
143
For the pranks that he hath done,
144
The wanton pranks that he hath done?
145
He shoots his fiery darts so thick,
146
They hurt poor ladies to the quick,
147
Ah me, with cruel wounding!
148
His darts are so confounding
149
That life and sense would soon decay,
150
But that he keeps their lips in play.
151
Can there be any part of bliss
152
In a quickly fleeting kiss,
153
A quickly fleeting kiss?
154
To one's pleasure, leisures are but waste,
155
The slowest kiss makes too much haste,
156
And lose it ere we find it;
157
The pleasing sport they only know
158
That close above and close below.
TIM
159
I would not change my wife for a kingdom;
160
I can do somewhat too in my own lodging.
Enter Yellowhammer and Allwit [who is disguised].
YELLOWHAMMER
161
Why well said, Tim! The bells go merrily;
162
I love such peals a' life; wife, lead them in a while;
163
Here's a strange gentleman desires private conference.
[Exeunt Maudline, Tim and Welsh Gentlewoman.]
164
You're welcome, sir, the more for your name's sake:
165
Good Master Yellowhammer, I love my name well,
166
And which a' the Yellowhammers take you descent from,
167
If I may be so bold with you? Which, I pray?
ALLWIT
168
The Yellowhammers in Oxfordshire,
169
Near Abbington.
YELLOWHAMMER
170And those are the best Yellowhammers and truest bred: I came from thence myself, though now a Citizen. I'll be bold with you; you are most welcome.
ALLWIT
171
I hope the zeal I bring with me shall deserve it.
YELLOWHAMMER
172
I hope no less; what is your will, sir?
ALLWIT
173
I understand by rumours, you have a daughter,
174
Which my bold love shall henceforth title 'cousin.'
YELLOWHAMMER
175
I thank you for her, sir.
ALLWIT
176
I heard of her virtues and other confirmed graces.
YELLOWHAMMER
177
A plaguey girl, sir.
ALLWIT
178
Fame sets her out with richer ornaments
179
Than you are pleased to boast of; 'tis done modestly.
180
I hear she's towards marriage.
YELLOWHAMMER
181
You hear truth, sir.
ALLWIT
182
And with a knight in town, Sir Walter Whorehound.
YELLOWHAMMER
183
The very same, sir.
ALLWIT
184
I am the sorrier for't.
YELLOWHAMMER
185
The sorrier? Why, cousin?
ALLWIT
186
'Tis not too far past, is't? It may be yet recalled?
YELLOWHAMMER
187
Recalled? Why, good sir?
ALLWIT
188
Resolve me in that point, ye shall hear from me.
YELLOWHAMMER
189
There's no contract passed.
ALLWIT
190
I am very joyful, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
191
But he's the man must bed her.
ALLWIT
192
By no means, cuz; she's quite undone then
193
And you'll curse the time that e'er you made the match;
194
He's an arrant whoremaster, consumes his time and state, —
195
[Whispers.]
— whom in my knowledge he hath kept this seven years;196
Nay, cuz, another man's wife too.
YELLOWHAMMER
197
O abominable!
ALLWIT
198
Maintains the whole house, apparels the husband,
199
Pays servants' wages, not so much but —
[Whispers.]
YELLOWHAMMER
200
Worse and worse! And doth the husband know this?
ALLWIT
201
Knows? Ay, and glad he may too, 'tis his living:
202
As other trades thrive, butchers by selling flesh,
203
Poulters by venting conies, or the like, cuz.
YELLOWHAMMER
204
What an incomparable wittol's this!
ALLWIT
205
Tush, what cares he for that?
206
Believe me, cuz, no more than I do.
YELLOWHAMMER
207
What a base slave is that!
ALLWIT
208
All's one to him: he feeds and takes his ease,
209
Was ne'er the man that ever broke his sleep
210
To get a child yet, by his own confession,
211
And yet his wife has seven.
YELLOWHAMMER
212
What, by Sir Walter?
ALLWIT
213
Sir Walter's like to keep 'em, and maintain 'em,
214
In excellent fashion; he dares do no less, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
215
Life, has he children too?
ALLWIT
216
Children? Boys thus high,
217
In their Cato and Cordelius.
YELLOWHAMMER
218
What, you jest, sir!
ALLWIT
219
Why, one can make a verse
220
And is now at Eton College.
YELLOWHAMMER
221
O this news has cut into my heart, cuz!
ALLWIT
222
It had eaten nearer if it had not been prevented.
223
One Allwit's wife.
YELLOWHAMMER
224
Allwit? Foot, I have heard of him;
225
He had a girl kursened lately?
ALLWIT
226
Ay, that work did cost the knight above a hundred mark.
YELLOWHAMMER
227
I'll mark him for a knave and villain for't;
228
A thousand thanks and blessings! I have done with him.
ALLWIT
229
[Aside.]
Ha, ha, ha! This knight will stick by my ribs still;
230
I shall not lose him yet, no wife will come;
231
Where'er he woos, I find him still at home, ha, ha!
Exit.
YELLOWHAMMER
232Well grant all this, say now his deeds are black,
-->
233
Pray what serves marriage, but to call him back;
234
I have kept a whore myself, and had a bastard,
235
By Mistress Anne, in Anno —
236
I care not who knows it; he's now a jolly fellow,
237
H'as been twice warden; so may his fruit be:
238
They were but base begot, and so was he.
239
The knight is rich, he shall be my son-in-law,
240
No matter, so the whore he keeps be wholesome;
241
My daughter takes no hurt then, so let them wed,
242
I'll have him sweat well e'er they go to bed.
Enter Maudline.
MAUDLINE
243
O husband, husband!
YELLOWHAMMER
244
How now, Maudline?
MAUDLINE
245
We are all undone! She's gone, she's gone!
YELLOWHAMMER
246
Again? Death! Which way?
MAUDLINE
247
Over the houses.
248
Lay the waterside, she's gone forever, else.
YELLOWHAMMER
249
O vent'rous baggage!
Exit [with Maudline].
Enter Tim and Tutor.
TIM
250
Thieves, thieves! My sister's stolen!
251
Some thief hath got her.
252
O how miraculously did my father's plate 'scape!
253
'Twas all left out, tutor.
TUTOR
254
Is't possible?
TIM
255
Besides three chains of pearl and a box of coral.
256
My sister's gone, let's look at Trig stairs for her;
257
My mother's gone to lay the Common stairs
258
At Puddle wharf, and at the dock below
259
Stands my poor silly father. Run, sweet tutor, run.
Exit [with Tutor].
[SCENE 2]
Enter both the Touchwoods.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
1
I had been taken, brother, by eight sergeants,
2
But for the honest watermen; I am bound to them,
3
They are the most requiteful'st people living:
4
For as they get their means by gentlemen,
5
They are still the forwardest to help gentlemen.
6
You heard how one 'scaped out of the Blackfriars
7
But a while since from two or three varlets
8
Came into the house with all their rapiers drawn,
9
As if they'd dance the sword-dance on the stage,
10
With candles in their hands like chandlers' ghosts,
11
Whilst the poor gentleman so pursued and bandied
12
Was by an honest pair of oars safely landed.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
13
I love them with my heart for't.
Enter three or four Watermen.
WATERMAN 1
14Your first man, sir.
WATERMAN 2
15Shall I carry you gentlemen with a pair of oars?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
16
These be the honest fellows:
17
Take one pair, and leave the rest for her.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
18
Barn Elms.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
19
No more, brother.
WATERMAN 1
20Your first man.
[Exit Touchwood Senior with Waterman 1.]
WATERMAN 2
21Shall I carry your worship?
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
22
Go. —
23
And you honest watermen that stay,
24
Here's a French crown for you;
[Gives money.]
25
There comes a maid with all speed to take water,
26
Row her lustily to Barn Elms after me.
WATERMAN 2
27To Barn Elms, good sir. Make ready the boat, Sam. We'll wait below.
[Exeunt Watermen.]
Enter Moll.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
28
What made you stay so long?
MOLL
29
I found the way more dangerous than I looked for.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
30
Away, quick! There's a boat waits for you;
31
And I'll take water at Paul's wharf and overtake you.
MOLL
32
Good sir, do; we cannot be too safe.
[Exeunt.]
[SCENE 3]
Enter Sir Walter, Yellowhammer, Tim and Tutor.
SIR WALTER
1Life, call you this close keeping?
YELLOWHAMMER
2She was kept under a double lock.
SIR WALTER
3A double devil!
TIM
4That's a buff sergeant, tutor, he'll ne'er wear out.
YELLOWHAMMER
5How would you have women locked?
TIM
6With padlocks, father; the Venetian uses it, my tutor reads it.
SIR WALTER
7Heart, if she were so locked up, how got she out?
YELLOWHAMMER
8
There was a little hole looked into the gutter,
9
But who would have dreamt of that?
SIR WALTER
10
A wiser man would.
TIM
11He says true, father, a wise man for love will seek every hole; my tutor knows it.
TUTOR
12
Verum poeta dicit.
TIM
13
Dicit Virgilius, father.
YELLOWHAMMER
14Prithee, talk of thy gills somewhere else, she's played the gill with me. Where's your wise mother now?
TIM
15Run mad, I think; I thought she would have drowned herself, she would not stay for oars, but took a smelt boat: sure, I think she be gone a-fishing for her!
YELLOWHAMMER
16
She'll catch a goodly dish of gudgeons now,
17
Will serve us all to supper.
Enter Maudline drawing Moll by the hair, and Watermen.
MAUDLINE
18I'll tug thee home by the hair.
WATERMEN
19Good mistress, spare her.
MAUDLINE
20Tend your own business.
WATERMEN
21You are a cruel mother.
Ex[eunt Watermen].
MOLL
22O my heart dies!
MAUDLINE
23I'll make thee an example for all the neighbours' daughters.
MOLL
24Farewell, life!
MAUDLINE
25You that have tricks can counterfeit.
YELLOWHAMMER
26Hold, hold, Maudline!
MAUDLINE
27I have brought your jewel by the hair.
YELLOWHAMMER
28She's here, knight.
SIR WALTER
29Forbear or I'll grow worse.
TIM
30Look on her, tutor, she hath brought her from the water like a mermaid: she's but half my sister now, as far as the flesh goes, the rest may be sold to fishwives.
MAUDLINE
31Dissembling, cunning baggage!
YELLOWHAMMER
32Impudent strumpet!
SIR WALTER
33
Either give over both, or I'll give over!
34
[To Moll.]
Why have you used me thus, unkind mistress?35
Wherein have I deserved?
YELLOWHAMMER
36You talk too fondly, sir. We'll take another course and prevent all; we might have done't Iong since; we'll lose no time now, nor trust to't any longer: tomorrow morn as early as sunrise we'll have you joined.
MOLL
37
O bring me death tonight, love-pitying Fates,
38
Let me not see tomorrow up upon the world.
YELLOWHAMMER
39
Are you content, sir, till then she shall be watched?
MAUDLINE
40Baggage, you shall.
Exit [with Moll and Yellowhammer].
TIM
41Why, father, my tutor and I will both watch in armour.
TUTOR
42How shall we do for weapons?
TIM
43Take you no care for that, if need be I can send for conquering metal, tutor, ne'er lost day yet; 'tis but at Westminster; I am acquainted with him that keeps the monuments; I can borrow Harry the Fifth's sword, 'twill serve us both to watch with.
Exit [with Tutor].
SIR WALTER
44
I never was so near my wish, as this chance
45
Makes me; ere tomorrow noon,
46
I shall receive two thousand pound in gold
47
And a sweet maidenhead
48
Worth forty.
Enter Touchwood Junior with a Waterman.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
49
O thy news splits me!
WATERMAN
50
Half drowned, she cruelly tugged her by the hair,
51
Forced her disgracefully, not like a mother.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
52
Enough, leave me, like my joys.
Exit Waterman.
53
[To Sir Walter.]
Sir, saw you not a wretched maid pass this way? —54
Heart, villain, is it thou?
SIR WALTER
Yes, slave, 'tis I!
Both draw and fight.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
55
I must break through thee then: there is no stop
56
That checks my tongue and all my hopeful fortunes,
57
That breast excepted, and I must have way.
SIR WALTER
58
Sir, I believe 'twill hold your life in play.
[Wounds Touchwood Junior.]
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
59
Sir, you'll gain the heart in my breast at first!
SIR WALTER
60There is no dealing then? Think on the dowry for two thousand pounds.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
61
[Wounding Sir Walter.]
O now 'tis quit, sir.
SIR WALTER
62
And being of even hand, I'll play no longer.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
63
No longer, slave?
SIR WALTER
64
I have certain things to think on
65
Before I dare go further.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
But one bout?
66
I'll follow thee to death, but ha't out.
Ex[eunt.]
ACT FIVE
[SCENE 1]
Enter Allwit, his Wife, and Davy Dahumma.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
1
A misery of a house!
ALLWIT
2
What shall become of us?
DAVY
3
I think his wound be mortal.
ALLWIT
4
Think'st thou so, Davy?
5
Then am I mortal too, but a dead man, Davy;
6
This is no world for me, when e'er he goes,
7
I must e'en truss up all, and after him, Davy;
8
A sheet with two knots, and away!
Enter Sir Walter led in hurt [by two Servants.].
DAVY
O see, sir,
9
How faint he goes! Two of my fellows lead him.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
10
O me!
[Faints.]
ALLWIT
11
Hyday, my wife's laid down too! Here's like to be
12
A good house kept, when we are altogether down.
13
Take pains with her, good Davy, cheer her up there.
14
Let me come to his worship, let me come.
[Exeunt Servants.]
SIR WALTER
15
Touch me not, villain! My wound aches at thee,
16
Thou poison to my heart!
ALLWIT
He raves already,
17
His senses are quite gone, he knows me not. —
18
Look up, an't like your worship; heave those eyes;
19
Call me to mind; is your remembrance left?
20
Look in my face: who am I, an't like your worship?
SIR WALTER
21
If any thing be worse than slave or villain,
22
Thou art the man.
ALLWIT
Alas, his poor worship's weakness!
23
He will begin to know me by little and little.
SIR WALTER
24
No devil can be like thee!
ALLWIT
Ah, poor gentleman,
25
Methinks the pain that thou endurest.
SIR WALTER
26
Thou know'st me to be wicked, for thy baseness
27
Kept the eyes open still on all my sins;
28
None knew the dear account my soul stood charged with
29
So well as thou, yet like Hell's flattering angel
30
Would'st thou never tell me on't, let'st me go on
31
And join with death in sleep: that if I had not waked
32
Now by chance, even by a stranger's pity,
33
I had everlastingly slept out all hope
34
Of grace and mercy.
ALLWIT
Now he is worse and worse.
35
Wife, to him wife, thou wast wont to do good on him.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
36
How is't with you, sir?
SIR WALTER
Not as with you,
37
Thou loathsome strumpet! Some good pitying man
38
Remove my sins out of my sight a little;
39
I tremble to behold her, she keeps back
40
All comfort while she stays. Is this a time,
41
Unconscionable woman, to see thee?
42
Art thou so cruel to the peace of man,
43
Not to give liberty now? The devil himself
44
Shows a far fairer reverence and respect
45
To goodness than thyself: he dares not do this,
46
But part[s] in time of penitence, hides his face;
47
When man withdraws from him, he leaves the place.
48
Hast thou less manners, and more impudence,
49
Than thy instructor? Prithee, show thy modesty,
50
If the least grain be left, and get thee from me.
51
Thou should'st be rather locked many rooms hence
52
From the poor miserable sight of me,
53
If either love or grace had part in thee.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
54
He is lost for ever.
ALLWIT
Run, sweet Davy, quickly,
55
And fetch the children hither; sight of them
56
Will make him cheerful straight.
[Exit Davy.]
SIR WALTER
O death! Is this
57
A place for you to weep? What tears are those?
58
Get you away with them, I shall fare the worse
59
As long as they are a-weeping; they work against me;
60
There's nothing but thy appetite in that sorrow,
61
Thou weep'st for lust; I feel it in the slackness
62
Of comforts coming towards me.
63
I was well till thou began'st to undo me:
64
This shows like the fruitless sorrow of a careless mother
65
That brings her son with dalliance to the gallows,
66
And then stands by, and weeps to see him suffer.
Enter Davy with the Children [Wat, Nick and baby].
DAVY
67
There are the children, sir, an't like your worship;
68
Your last fine girl; in troth she smiles!
69
Look, look, in faith, sir.
SIR WALTER
O my vengeance!
70
Let me for ever hide my cursed face
71
From sight of those that darkens all my hopes
72
And stand between me and the sight of heaven.
73
Who sees me now, he too and those so near me,
74
May rightly say, I am o'er-grown with sin.
75
O how my offences wrestle with my repentance!
76
It hath scarce breath;
77
Still my adulterous guilt hovers aloft
78
And with her black wings beats down all my prayers
79
Ere they be half way up. What's he knows now
80
How long I have to live? O what comes then?
81
My taste grows bitter; the round world, all gall now;
82
Her pleasing pleasures now hath poisoned me,
83
Which I exchanged my soul for:
84
Make way a hundred sighs at once for me.
ALLWIT
85
Speak to him, Nick.
NICK
I dare not, I am afraid.
ALLWIT
86
Tell him he hurts his wounds, Wat, with making moan.
SIR WALTER
87
Wretched, death of seven.
ALLWIT
88
Come, let's be talking somewhat to keep him alive. -
89
Ah, sirrah Wat, and did my lord bestow that jewel on thee,
90
For an epistle thou mad'st in Latin?
91
Thou art a good forward boy, there's great joy on thee.
SIR WALTER
92
O sorrow!
ALLWIT
[Aside.]
Heart, will nothing comfort him?
93
If he be so far gone, 'tis time to moan.
94
[To Sir Walter.]
Here's pen, and ink, and paper, and all things ready;95
Will't please your worship for to make your will?
SIR WALTER
96
My will? Yes, yes, what else? Who writes apace now?
ALLWIT
97
That can your man Davy, an't like your worship,
98
A fair, fast, legible hand.
SIR WALTER
99
Set it down then:
[Davy writes.]
100
Imprimis, I bequeath to yonder wittol
101
Three times his weight in curses —
ALLWIT
102
How?
SIR WALTER
103
All plagues of body and of mind —
ALLWIT
104
Write them not down, Davy.
DAVY
105
It is his will; I must.
SIR WALTER
Together also
106
With such a sickness, ten days ere his death.
ALLWIT
107
[Aside.]
There's a sweet legacy,
108
I am almost choked with't.
SIR WALTER
109
Next I bequeath to that foul whore his wife
110
All barrenness of joy, a drouth of virtue,
111
And dearth of all repentance; for her end,
112
The common misery of an English strumpet,
113
In French and Dutch beholding ere she dies
114
Confusion of her brats before her eyes
115
And never shed a tear for it.
Enter a Servant.
SERVANT
Where's the knight?
116
O sir, the gentleman you wounded is newly departed.
SIR WALTER
117
Dead? Lift, lift! Who helps me?
ALLWIT
118
Let the law lift you now, that must have all;
119
I have done lifting on you, and my wife too.
SERVANT
120
You were best lock yourself close.
ALLWIT
Not in my house, sir,
121
I'll harbour no such persons as men-slayers.
122
Lock yourself where you will.
SIR WALTER
What's this?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
Why husband!
ALLWIT
123
I know what I do, wife.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
You cannot tell yet;
124
For having killed the man in his defence,
125
Neither his life nor estate will be touched, husband.
ALLWIT
126
Away, wife! Hear a fool! His lands will hang him.
SIR WALTER
127
Am I denied a chamber?
128
What say you, forsooth?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
129
Alas, sir, I am one that would have all well,
130
But must obey my husband.
[To Allwit.]
Prithee, love,131
Let the poor gentleman stay, being so sore wounded;
132
There's a close chamber at one end of the garret
133
We never use, let him have that, I prithee.
ALLWIT
134
We never use? You forget sickness then,
135
And physic times: is't not a place for easement?
Enter a [second] Servant.
SIR WALTER
136
O death! Do I hear this with part
137
Of former life in me?
[To Servant 2.]
What's the news now?
SERVANT 2
138
Troth, worse and worse; you're like to lose your land
139
If the law save your life, sir, or the surgeon.
ALLWIT
140
[Aside.]
Hark you there, wife.
SIR WALTER
141
Why how, sir?
SERVANT 2
142
Sir Oliver Kix's wife is new quickened;
143
That child undoes you, sir.
SIR WALTER
All ill at once.
ALLWIT
144
I wonder what he makes here with his consorts?
145
Cannot our house be private to ourselves,
146
But we must have such guests? I pray depart, sirs,
147
And take your murderer along with you;
148
Good he were apprehended ere he go,
149
H'as killed some honest gentleman. Send for officers.
SIR WALTER
150
I'll soon save you that labour.
ALLWIT
151
I must tell you, sir,
152
You have been somewhat bolder in my house
153
Than I could well like of; I suffered you
154
Till it stuck here at my heart; I tell you truly
155
I thought you had been familiar with my wife once.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
156
With me? I'll see him hanged first: I defy him
157
And all such gentlemen in the like extremity.
SIR WALTER
158
If ever eyes were open, these are they;
159
Gamesters, farewell, I have nothing left to play.
Exit.
ALLWIT
160
And therefore get you gone, sir.
DAVY
Of all wittols
161
Be thou the head!
[To Mistress Allwit.]
Thou, the grand whore of spitals!
Exit [with Servants].
ALLWIT
162
So, since he's like now to be rid of all,
163
I am right glad I am so well rid of him.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
164
I knew he durst not stay, when you named officers.
ALLWIT
165
That stopped his spirits straight.
166
What shall we do now, wife?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
167
As we were wont to do.
ALLWIT
168
We are richly furnished, wife, with household stuff.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
169
Let's let out lodgings then,
170
And take a house in the Strand.
ALLWIT
In troth, a match, wench:
171
We are simply stocked with cloth-of-tissue cushions,
172
To furnish out bay windows: push, what not that's quaint
173
And costly, from the top to the bottom.
174
Life, for furniture, we may lodge a countess!
175
There's a close-stool of tawny velvet too,
176
Now I think on't wife.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
There's that should be, sir;
177
Your nose must be in everything!
ALLWIT
I have done, wench;
178
And let this stand in every gallant's chamber:
179
'There no gamester like a politic sinner,
180
For whoe'er games, the box is sure a winner.'
Exit [with Mistress Allwit].
[SCENE 2]
Enter Yellowhammer and his Wife.
MAUDLINE
1
O husband, husband, she will die, she will die!
2
There is no sign but death.
YELLOWHAMMER
'Twill be our shame then.
MAUDLINE
3
O how she's changed in compass of an hour!
YELLOWHAMMER
4
Ah, my poor girl! Good faith, thou wert too cruel
5
To drag her by the hair.
MAUDLINE
6
You would have done as much, sir,
7
To curb her of her humour.
YELLOWHAMMER
8
'Tis curbed sweetly, she catched her bane o'th' water.
Enter Tim.
MAUDLINE
9
How now, Tim?
TIM
10
Faith, busy, mother, about an epitaph
11
Upon my sister's death.
MAUDLINE
12
Death! She is not dead, I hope?
TIM
13
No, but she means to be, and that's as good,
14
And when a thing's done, 'tis done;
15
You taught me that, mother.
YELLOWHAMMER
16
What is your tutor doing?
TIM
17
Making one too, in principal pure Latin,
18
Culled out of Ovid de Tristibus.
YELLOWHAMMER
19
How does your sister look? Is she not changed?
TIM
20
Changed? Gold into white money was never so changed
21
As is my sister's colour into paleness.
Enter Moll [carried by Servants].
YELLOWHAMMER
22
O here she's brought; see how she looks like death!
TIM
23
Looks she like death, and ne'er a word made yet?
24
I must go beat my brains against a bed post
25
And get before my tutor.
[Exit.]
YELLOWHAMMER
Speak, how dost thou?
MOLL
26
I hope I shall be well, for I am as sick
27
At heart as I can be.
YELLOWHAMMER
'Las, my poor girl!
28
The doctor's making a most sovereign drink for thee,
29
The worst ingredience, dissolved pearl and amber;
30
We spare no cost, girl.
MOLL
Your love comes too late;
31
Yet timely thanks reward it. What is comfort,
32
When the poor patient's heart is past relief?
33
It is no doctor's art can cure my grief.
YELLOWHAMMER
34
All is cast away then;
35
Prithee, look upon me cheerfully.
MAUDLINE
36
Sing but a strain or two, thou wilt not think
37
How 'twill revive thy spirits: strive with thy fit,
38
Prithee, sweet Moll.
MOLL
39
You shall have my good will, mother.
MAUDLINE
40Why, well said, wench.
THE SONG
[sung by Moll]
-->
41
Weep eyes, break heart,
42
My love and I must part;
43
Cruel fates true love do soonest sever,
44
O I shall see thee never, never, never!
45
O happy is the maid whose life takes end,
46
Ere it knows parent's frown, or loss of friend.
47
Weep eyes, break heart,
48
My love and I must part.
Enter Touchwood Senior with a letter.
MAUDLINE
49
O I could die with music: well sung, girl.
MOLL
50
If you call it so, it was.
YELLOWHAMMER
51
She plays the swan, and sings herself to death.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
52
By your leave, sir.
YELLOWHAMMER
53
What are you, sir? Or what's your business, pray?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
54
I may be admitted, though the brother
55
Of him your hate pursued; it spreads no further,
56
Your malice sets in death, does it not, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
57
In death?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
He's dead: 'twas a dear love to him,
58
It cost him but his life, that was all, sir:
59
He paid enough, poor gentleman, for his love.
YELLOWHAMMER
60
[Aside.]
There's all our ill removed, if she were well now.
61
[To Touchwood Senior.]
Impute not, sir, his end to any hate
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
62
That helped him forward, I must needs confess;
63
But the restraint of love, and your unkindness,
64
Those were the wounds that from his heart drew blood;
65
But being past help, let words forget it too.
66
Scarcely three minutes ere his eyelids closed
67
And took eternal leave of this world's light,
68
He wrote this letter, which by oath he bound me
69
To give to her own hands: that's all my business.
YELLOWHAMMER
70
You may perform it then; there she sits.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
71
O with a following look.
YELLOWHAMMER
72
Ay, trust me, sir, I think she'll follow him quickly.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
73
Here's some gold
74
He willed me to distribute faithfully amongst your servants.
[Distributes the gold.]
YELLOWHAMMER
75
'Las, what doth he mean, sir?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
76
[To Moll.]
How cheer you, mistress?
MOLL
77
I must learn of you, sir.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
78
Here's a letter from a friend of yours,
[Gives letter.]
79
And where that fails in satisfaction
80
I have a sad tongue ready to supply.
MOLL
81
How does he, ere I look on't?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
82
Seldom better, h'as a contented health now.
MOLL
83
I am most glad on't.
[Reads letter.]
MAUDLINE
84
[To Touchwood Senior.]
Dead, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
85
He is.
[Aside.]
— Now, wife, let's but get the girl
86
Upon her legs again, and to church roundly with her.
MOLL
87
O sick to death he tells me:
88
How does he after this?
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
89
Faith, feels no pain at all; he's dead, sweet mistress.
MOLL
90
Peace close mine eyes!
[Faints.]
YELLOWHAMMER
91
The girl, look to the girl, wife!
MAUDLINE
92
Moll, daughter, sweet girl, speak!
93
Look but once up, thou shalt have all the wishes of thy heart
94
That wealth can purchase.
YELLOWHAMMER
95
O she's gone forever! That letter broke her heart.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
96
As good now, then, as let her lie in torment
97
And then break it.
Enter Susan.
MAUDLINE
98
O Susan, she thou lovedst so dear is gone!
SUSAN
99
O sweet maid!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
100
This is she that helped her still.
101
I've a reward here for thee.
[Passes Susan a note.]
YELLOWHAMMER
Take her in,
102
Remove her from our sight, our shame, and sorrow.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
103
Stay, let me help thee; 'tis the last cold kindness
104
I can perform for my sweet brother's sake.
[Exeunt Touchwood Senior, Susan and Servants, carrying Moll].
YELLOWHAMMER
105
All the whole street will hate us and the world
106
Point me out cruel. It is our best course, wife,
107
After we have given order for the funeral,
108
To absent ourselves, till she be laid in ground.
MAUDLINE
109
Where shall we spend that time?
YELLOWHAMMER
110
I'll tell thee where, wench: go to some private church
111
And marry Tim to the rich Brecknock gentlewoman.
MAUDLINE
112
Mass, a match!
113
We'll not lose all at once, somewhat we'll catch.
Exit [with Yellowhammer].
[SCENE 3]
Enter Sir Oliver and Servants.
SIR OLIVER
1
Ho, my wife's quickened; I am a man forever!
2
I think I have bestirred my stumps, i'faith.
3
Run, get your fellows all together instantly,
4
Then to the parish church and ring the bells.
SERVANT 1
5
It shall be done, sir.
[Exit.]
SIR OLIVER
6Upon my love I charge you, villain, that you make a bonfire before the door at night.
SERVANT 2
7A bonfire, sir?
SIR OLIVER
8A thwacking one I charge you.
SERVANT 2
9[Aside.]This is monstrous.
[Exit.]
SIR OLIVER
10
Run, tell a hundred pound out for the gentleman
11
That gave my wife the drink, the first thing you do.
SERVANT 3
12
A hundred pounds, sir?
SIR OLIVER
13
A bargain! As our joys grows,
14
We must remember still from whence it flows,
15
Or else we prove ungrateful multipliers;
16
The child is coming and the land comes after;
17
The news of this will make a poor Sir Walter.
18
I have strook it home, i'faith.
SERVANT 3
19
That you have, marry, sir.
20
But will not your worship go to the funeral
21
Of both these lovers?
SIR OLIVER
Both? Go both together?
SERVANT 3
22
Ay, sir, the gentleman's brother will have it so;
23
'Twill be the pitifullest sight; there's such running,
24
Such rumours, and such throngs, a pair of lovers
25
Had never more spectators, more men's pities,
26
Or women's wet eyes.
SIR OLIVER
27
My wife helps the number then?
SERVANT 3
28
There's such a drawing out of handkerchers,
29
And those that have no handkerchers, lift up aprons.
SIR OLIVER
30
Her parents may have joyful hearts at this.
31
I would not have my cruelty so talked on,
32
To any child of mine, for a monopoly.
SERVANT 3
33
I believe you, sir.
34
'Tis cast so too, that both their coffins meet,
35
Which will be lamentable.
SIR OLIVER
Come, we'll see't.
Ex[eunt.]
[SCENE 4]
Recorders dolefully playing.
Enter at one door the coffin of the gentleman [Touchwood Junior], solemnly decked, his sword upon it, attended by many in black, his brother [Touchwood Senior] being the chief mourner. At the other door, the coffin of the virgin [Moll], with a garland of flowers, with epitaphs pinned on it, attended by maids and women. Then set them down one right over against the other, while all the company [including Sir Oliver and Lady Kix, Master and Mistress Allwit, Susan and the Parson]seem to weep and mourn; there is a sad song in the music room.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
1
Never could death boast of a richer prize
2
From the first parent, let the world bring forth
3
A pair of truer hearts. To speak but truth
4
Of this departed gentleman, in a brother,
5
Might, by hard censure, be called flattery,
6
Which makes me rather silent in his right
7
Than so to be delivered to the thoughts
8
Of any envious hearer starved in virtue
9
And therefore pining to hear others thrive.
10
But for this maid, whom envy cannot hurt
11
With all her poisons, having left to ages
12
The true, chaste monuments of her living name,
13
Which no time can deface, I say of her
14
The full truth freely, without fear of censure:
15
What nature could there shine, that might redeem
16
Perfection home to woman, but in her
17
Was fully glorious; beauty set in goodness
18
Speaks what she was, that jewel so infixed;
19
There was no want of any thing of life,
20
To make these virtuous precedents man and wife.
ALLWIT
21
Great pity of their deaths!
ALL
Ne'er more pity!
LADY KIX
22
It makes a hundred weeping eyes, sweet gossip.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
23
I cannot think there's any one amongst you
24
In this full fair assembly, maid, man, or wife,
25
Whose heart would not have sprung with joy and gladness
26
To have seen their marriage day!
ALL
27
It would have made a thousand joyful hearts!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
28
[To Moll and Touchwood Junior.]
Up then apace, and take your fortunes!29
Make these joyful hearts, here's none but friends.
[Moll and Touchwood Junior rise from their coffins.]
ALL
30
Alive, sir? O sweet, dear couple!
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
31
Nay, do not hinder 'em now, stand from about 'em;
32
If she be caught again, and have this time,
33
I'll ne'er plot further for 'em, nor this honest chambermaid
34
That helped all at a push.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
[To Parson.]
Good sir, apace!
PARSON
35
Hands join now, but hearts for ever,
36
Which no parent's mood shall sever.
37
[To Touchwod Junior.]
You shall forsake all widows, wives, and maids;38
[To Moll.]
You, lords, knights, gentlemen, and men of trades;39
[To both.]
And if, in haste, any article misses40
Go interline it with a brace of kisses.
[They kiss.]
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
41
Here's a thing trolled nimbly.
42
Give you joy, brother!
43
Were't not better thou should'st have her,
44
Than the maid should die?
MISTRESS ALLWIT
To you, sweet mistress bride.
ALL
45
Joy, joy to you both.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
46Here be your wedding sheets you brought along with you; you may both go to bed when you please to.
TOUCHWOOD JUNIOR
47
My joy wants utterance.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
48
Utter all at night then, brother.
MOLL
49
I am silent with delight.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
50
Sister, delight will silence any woman;
51
But you'll find your tongue again, among maidservants,
52
Now you keep house, sister.
ALL
53
Never was hour so filled with joy and wonder.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
54
To tell you the full story of this chambermaid
55
And of her kindness in this business to us,
56
'Twould ask an hour's discourse. In brief, 'twas she
57
That wrought it to this purpose cunningly.
ALL
58
We shall all love her for't.
Enter Yellowhammer and his Wife.
ALLWIT
59
See who comes here now.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
60
A storm, a storm, but we are sheltered for it.
YELLOWHAMMER
61
I will prevent you all and mock you thus,
62
You, and your expectations: I stand happy,
63
Both in your lives, and your hearts' combination.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
64
Here's a strange day again!
YELLOWHAMMER
The knight's proved villain,
65
All's come out now, his niece an arrant baggage;
66
My poor boy Tim is cast away this morning,
67
Even before breakfast: married a whore
68
Next to his heart.
ALL
A whore?
YELLOWHAMMER
His 'niece', forsooth!
ALLWIT
69
[Aside.]
I think we rid our hands in good time of him.
MISTRESS ALLWIT
70
[Aside.]
I knew he was past the best, when I gave him over.
71
[To Yellowhammer.]
What is become of him pray, sir?
YELLOWHAMMER
72
Who, the knight? He lies i'th'knight's ward now.
73
[To Lady Kix]
Your belly, lady, begins to blossom, there's no peace for him,74
His creditors are so greedy.
SIR OLIVER
75
Master Touchwood, hear'st thou this news?
76
I am so endeared to thee for my wife's fruitfulness
77
That I charge you both, your wife and thee,
78
To live no more asunder for the world's frowns:
79
I have purse, and bed, and board for you;
80
Be not afraid to go to your business roundly;
81
Get children, and I'll keep them.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
Say you so, sir?
SIR OLIVER
82
Prove me, with three at a birth, and thou dar'st now.
TOUCHWOOD SENIOR
83
Take heed how you dare a man, while you live, sir,
84
That has good skill at his weapon.
Enter Tim and Welsh Gentlewoman [with Tutor].
SIR OLIVER
85
Foot, I dare you, sir!
YELLOWHAMMER
86
Look, gentlemen, if ever you say the picture
87
Of the unfortunate marriage, yonder 'tis.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
88
Nay, good sweet Tim —
TIM
89
Come from the university,
90
To marry a whore in London, with my tutor too?
91
O tempora! O mors!
TUTOR
92
Prithee, Tim, be patient.
TIM
93
I bought a jade at Cambridge;
94
I'll let her out to execution, tutor,
95
For eighteen pence a day, or Brainford horse races;
96
She'll serve to carry seven miles out of town well.
97
Where be these mountains? I was promised mountains,
98
But there's such a mist, I can see none of 'em.
99
What are become of those two thousand runts?
100
Let's have about with them in the meantime.
101
A vengeance runt thee!
MAUDLINE
Good sweet Tim, have patience.
TIM
102
Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo, mother.
MAUDLINE
103
I think you have married her in logic, Tim.
104
You told me once, by logic you would prove
105
A whore an honest woman; prove her so, Tim,
106
And take her for thy labour.
TIM
Troth, I thank you.
107
I grant you I may prove another man's wife so,
108
But not mine own.
MAUDLINE
There's no remedy now, Tim,
109
You must prove her so as well as you may.
TIM
110
Why then, my tutor and I will about her,
111
As well as we can.
112
Uxor non est meretrix, ergo falacis.
WELSH GENTLEWOMAN
113
Sir, if your logic cannot prove me honest,
114
There's a thing called marriage, and that makes me honest.
MAUDLINE
115
O there's a trick beyond your logic, Tim.
TIM
116I perceive then a woman may be honest according to the English print, when she is a whore in the Latin. So much for marriage and logic! I'll love her for her wit, I'll pick out my runts there; and for my mountains, I'll mount upon —
YELLOWHAMMER
117
So fortune seldom deals two marriages
118
With one hand, and both lucky; the best is,
119
One feast will serve them both! Marry, for room
120
I'll have the dinner kept in Goldsmiths' Hall.
121
To which, kind gallants, I invite you all.
[Exeunt.]
FINIS