The Country Wife "The Country Wife" de William Wycherley: Edición TEI para EMOTHE Country Wife The EMOTHE0274

Source text for this digital edition:
Wycherley, William. The Country Wife. In: Salgado, Gamini (ed.) Three Restoration Comedies. Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1968.

Digital text editor for EMOTHE:

Tronch Pérez, Jesus

Note on this digital edition

Reproduced with kind permission by Fenella Copplestone.

The Persons

MR HORNER

MR HARCOURT

MR DORILANT

MR PINCHWIFE

MR SPARKISH

SIR JASPER FIDGET

MRS MARGERY PICHWIFE

MY LADY FIDGET

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

MRS SQUEAMISH

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

WAITERS, SERVANTS, AND ATTENDANTS

A BOY

A QUACK

LUCY Alithea’s maid

London

Prologue

Poets, like cudgelled bullies, never do

At first or second blow submit to you;

But will provoke you still, and ne'er have done,

Till you are weary first with laying on.

The late so baffled scribbled of this day,

Though he stands trembling, bids me boldly say,

What we before most plays are used to do,

For poets out of fear first draw on you;

In a fierce prologue the still pit defy,

And ere you speak, like Castril, give the lie;

But though our Bayes's battle oft I've fought,

And with bruised knuckles their dear conquest bought,

Nay, never yet feared odds upon the stage,

In prologue dare not hector with the age,

But would take quarter from your saving hands,

Though Bayes within all yielding countermands,

Says you confed'rate wits no quarter give,

Therefor his play shan't ask your leave to live.

Well, let the vain rash fop, by huffing so,

Think to obtain the better terms of you;

But we, the actors, humbly with submit,

Now, and at any time, to a full pit.

Nay, often we anticipate your rage,

And murder poets for you, on our stage.

We set no guards upon our tiring-room,

But when with flying colours there you come,

We patiently you see, give up to you,

Our poets, virgin, nay our matrons too.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Enter Horner, and Quack following him at a distance.

HORNER

2[aside] A quack is a fit for a pimp as a midwife for a bawd; they are still but in their way both helpers of nature. – Well, my dear doctor, hast thou done what I desired?

QUACK

3I have undone you for ever with the women, and reported you throughout the whole town as bad as an eunuch, with as much trouble as if I had made you one in earnest.

HORNER

4But have you told all the midwives you know, the orange-wenches at the playhouses, the city husbands, and old fumbling keepers of this end of the town? For they'll be the readiest to report it.

QUACK

5I have told all the chambermaids, waiting women, tire-women, and old women of my acquaintance; nay, and whispered it as a secret to 'em, and to the whisperers of Whitehall; so that you need not doubt 'twill spread, and you will be as odious to the handsome young women as –

HORNER

6As the smallpox. Well –

QUACK

7And to the married women of this end of the town as –

HORNER

8As the great ones, nay, as their own husbands.

QUACK

9And to the city dames as aniseed Robin of filthy and contemptible memory; and they will frighten their children with your name, especially their females.

HORNER

10And cry, 'Horner's coming to carry you away.' I am only afraid 'twill not be believed. You told 'em 'twas by an English-French disaster, and an English-French chirurgeon, who has given me at once not only a cure but an antidote for the future against that damned malady, and that worse distemper, love, and all other women's evils?

QUACK

11Your late journey into France has made it the more credible, and your being here a fortnight before you appeared in public looks as if you apprehended the shame, which I wonder you do not. Well, I have been hired by young gallants to belie 'em t'other way; but you are the first would be thought a man unfit for women.

HORNER

12Dear Mr Doctor, let vain rogues be contented only to be thought abler men than they are; generally 'tis all the pleasure they have. But mine lies another way.

QUACK

13You take, methinks, a very preposterous way to it, and as ridiculous as if we operators in physic should put forth bills to disparage our medicaments, with hopes to gain customers.

HORNER

14Doctor, there are quacks in love as well as physic, who get but the fewer and worse patients for their boasting. A good name is seldom got by giving it oneself, and women no more than honour are compassed by bragging. Come, come, doctor, the wisest lawyer never discovers the merits of his cause till the trial; the wealthiest man conceals his riches, and the cunning gamester his play. Shy husbands and keepers like old rooks are not to be cheated, but by a new unpractised trick; false friendship will pass now no more than false dice upon 'em, no, not in the city.

Enter Boy.

BOY

15There are to ladies and a gentleman coming up.

(Exit Boy.)

HORNER

16A pox! Some unbelieving sisters of my former acquaintance, who I am afraid expect their sense should be satisfied of the falsity of the report. No – this formal fool and women!

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, and Mrs Dainty Fidget.

QUACK

17His wife and sister.

SIR JASPER

18My coach breaking just now before your door, sir, I look upon as an occasional reprimand to me, sir, for not kissing your hands, sir, since your coming out of France, sir; and so my disaster, sir, has been my good fortune, sir; and this is my wife and sister, sir.

HORNER

19What then, sir?

SIR JASPER

20My lady, and sister, sir. – Wife, this is Master Horner.

LADY FIDGET

21Master Horner, husband!

SIR JASPER

22My lady, my Lady Fidget, sir.

HORNER

23So, sir.

SIR JASPER

24Won't you be acquainted with her, sir? – [Aside] So the report is true, I find by his coldness or aversion to the sex; but I'll pay the wag with him. (Aloud) Pray salute my wife, my lady, sir.

HORNER

25I will kiss no man's wife, sir, for him, sir. I have taken my eternal leave, sir, of the sex already, sir,

SIR JASPER

26[aside] Hah, hah, hah! I'll plague him yet. – Not know my wife, sir?

HORNER

27I do know your wife, sir, she's a woman, sir, and consequently a monster, sir, a greater monster than a husband, sir.

SIR JASPER

28A husband! How, sir?

HORNER

29So, sir [makes horns]; but I make no more cuckolds, sir.

SIR JASPER

30Hah, hah, hah! Mercury, Mercury!

LADY FIDGET

31Pray, Sir Jasper, let us be gone from this rude fellow.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

32Who, by his breeding, would think he had ever been in France?

LADY FIDGET

33Foh! He's but too much a French fellow, such as hate women of quality and virtue for their love to their husbands, Sir Jasper; a woman is hated by 'em as much for loving her husband as for loving their money. But pray, let's be gone.

HORNER

34You do well, madam, for I have nothing that you came for. I have brought over not so much as a bawdy picture, new postures, nor the second part of the Ecole des Filles, nor –

QUACK

35[apart to Horner] Hold, for shame, sir! What d'y mean? You'll ruin yourself for ever with the sex.

SIR JASPER

36Hah, hah, hah! He hates women perfectly, I find.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

37What pity 'tis he should.

LADY FIDGET

38Ay, he's a base rude fellow for 't; but affectation makes not a woman more odious to them than virtue.

HORNER

39Because your virtue is your greatest affectation, madam.

LADY FIDGET

40How, you saucy fellow, would you wrong my honour?

HORNER

41If I could.

LADY FIDGET

42How d'y mean, sir?

SIR JASPER

43Hah, hah, hah, no he can't wrong your ladyship's honour, upon my honour; he poor man - hark you in your ear – a mere eunuch –

LADY FIDGET

44O filthy French beast, soh, soh! Why do we stay? Let's be gone; I can't indure the sight of him.

SIR JASPER

45Stay but till the chairs come; they'll be here presently.

LADY FIDGET

46No, no.

SIR JASPER

47Nor can I stay longer. 'Tis – let me see, a quarter and a half quarter of a minute past eleven; the Council will be sate, I must away. Business must be preferred always before love and ceremony with the wise, Mr Horner.

HORNER

48And the impotent, Sir Jasper.

SIR JASPER

49Ay, ay, the impotent, Master Horner, hah, ha ha!

LADY FIDGET

50What, leave us with a filthy man alone in his lodgings!

SIR JASPER

51He's an innocent man now, you know. Pray stay, I'll hasten the chairs to you. – Mr Horner, your servant; I should be glad to see you at my house. Pray come and dine with me, and play at cards with my wife after dinner; you are fit for women at that game yet, hah, ha! – [Aside] 'Tis as much a husband's prudence to provide innocent diversion for a wife as to hinder her unlawful pleasures, and he had better employ her than let her employ herself. – Farewell.

[Exit Sir Jasper.]

HORNER

52Your servant, Sir Jasper.

LADY FIDGET

53I will not stay with him, foh!

HORNER

54Nay, madam, I beseech you stay, if it be but to see I can be as civil to ladies yet as they would desire.

LADY FIDGET

55No, no, foh, you cannot be civil to ladies.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

56You as civil as ladies would desire?

LADY FIDGET

57No, no, no! foh, foh, foh!

Exeunt Lady Fidget and Mrs Dainty.

QUACK

58Now I think I, or you yourself rather, have done your business with the women.

HORNER

59Thou art an ass. Don't you see, already upon the report and my carriage, this grave man of business leaves his wife in my lodgings, invites me to his house and wife, who before would not be acquainted with me out of jealousy?

QUACK

60Nay, by this means you may be the more acquainted with the husbands, but the less with the wives.

HORNER

61Let me alone; if I can but abuse the husbands, I'll soon disabuse the wives. Stay – I'll reckon you up the advantages I am like to have by my stratagem. First, I shall be rid of all my old acquaintances, the most insatiable sorts of duns that invade our lodgings in a morning. And next to the pleasure of making a new mistress is that of being rid of an old one: and of all old debts, love, when it comes to be so, is paid the most unwillingly.

QUACK

62Well, you may be so rid of your old acquaintances, but how will you get any new ones?

HORNER

63Doctor, thou wilt never make a good chymist, thou art so incredulous and impatient. Ask but all the young fellows of the town if they do not lose more time, like huntsmen, in starting the game than in running it down; one knows not where to find 'em, who will, or will not. Women of quality are so civil you can hardly distinguish love from good breeding, and a man is often mistaken; but now I can be sure she that shews an aversion to me loves the sport, as those women that are gone, whom I warrant to be right. And then the next thing is your women of honour, as you call 'em, are only chary of their reputations, not their persons, and 'tis scandal they would avoid, not men. Now may I have, by the reputation of an eunuch, the privileges of one; and be seen in a lady's chamber in a morning as early as her husband; kiss virgins before their parents or lovers; and may be in short the passe partout of the town. Now, doctor.

QUACK

64Nay, now you shall be the doctor; and your process is so new that we do not know but it may succeed.

HORNER

65Not so new neither; probatum est, doctor.

QUACK

66Well, I wish you luck and many patients whilst I go to mine.

Exit Quack.

Enter Harcourt and Dorilant to Horner.

HARCOURT

67Come, your appearance at the play yesterday has, I hope, hardened you for the future against the women's contempt and the men's raillery, and now you'll abroad as you were wont?

HORNER

68Did I not bear it bravely?

DORILANT

69With a most theatrical impudence; nay, more than the orange-wenches shew there, or a drunken vizard-mask, or a great-bellied actress; nay, or the most impudent of creatures, an ill poet; or what is yet more impudent, a second-hand critic.

HORNER

70But what say the ladies? Have they no pity?

HARCOURT

71What ladies? The vizard-masks, you know, never pity a man when all's gone, though in their service.

DORILANT

72And for the women in the boxes, you'd never pity them when 'twas in your power.

HARCOURT

73They say 'tis pity but all that deal with common women should be served so.

DORILANT

74Nay I dare swear, they won't admit you to play at cards with them, go to plays with 'em, or do the little duties which other shadows of men are wont to do for 'em.

HORNER

75Who do you call shadows of men?

DORILANT

76Half-men.

HORNER

77What, boys?

DORILANT

78Ay, your old boys, old beaux garçons, who, like superannuated stallions, are suffered to run, feed, and whinny with the mares as long as they live, though they can do nothing else.

HORNER

79Well, a pox on love and wenching! Women serve but to keep a man from better company; though I can't enjoy them, I shall you the more. Good fellowship and friendship are lasting, rational and manly pleasures.

HARCOURT

80For all that, give me some of those pleasures you call effeminate too; they help to relish one another.

HORNER

81They disturb one another.

HARCOURT

82No, mistresses are like books; if you pore upon them too much, they doze you, and make you unfit for company, but if used discreetly, you are the fitter for conversation by 'em –

DORILANT

83A mistress should be like a little country retreat near the town, not to dwell in constantly, but only for a night and away, to taste the town the better when a man returns.

HORNER

84I tell you, 'tis as hard to be a good fellow, a good friend and a lover of women as 'tis to be a good fellow, a good friend and a lover of money. You cannot follow both, then choose your side. Wine gives you liberty, love takes it away.

DORILANT

85Gad, he's in the right on't.

HORNER

86Wine gives you joy, love grief and tortures, besides the chirurgeon's. Wine makes us witty, love only sots. Wine makes us sleep, love breaks it.

DORILANT

87By the world, he has reason, Harcourt.

HORNER

88Wine makes –

DORILANT

89Ay, wine makes us – makes us princes, love makes us beggars, poor rogues, ygad – and wine –

HORNER

90So, there's one converted. No, no, love and wine, oil and vinegar.

HARCOURT

91I grant it; love will still be uppermost.

HORNER

92Come, for my part I will have only those glorious, manly pleasures of being very drunk and very slovenly.

Enter Boy.

BOY

93Mr Sparkish is below, sir.

HARCOURT

94What, my dear friend? A rogue that is fond of me only, I think, for abusing him.

DORILANT

95No, he can no more think the men laugh at him than that women jilt him, his opinion of himself is so good.

HORNER

96Well, there's another pleasure by drinking, I thought not of; I shall lose his acquaintance, because he cannot drink; and you know 'tis a very hard thing to be rid of him, for he's one of those nauseous offerers at wit, who, like the worst fiddlers, run themselves into all companies.

HARCOURT

97One that, by being in the company of men of sense, would pass for one.

HORNER

98And may so to the short-sighted world, as a false jewel amongst true ones is not discerned at a distance. His company is as troublesome to us as a cuckold's when you you have a mind to his wife's.

HARCOURT

99No, the rogue will not let us enjoy one another, but ravishes our conversations, though he signifies no more to't than Sir Martin Mar-all's gaping, and aukerd thrumming upon the lute, does to his man's voice and music.

DORILANT

100And to pass for a wit in town, shews himself a fool every night to us, that are guilty of the plot.

HORNER

101Such wits as he are to a company of reasonable men, like rooks to the gamesters, who only fill a room at the table, but are so far from contributing to the play that they only serve to spoil the fancy of those that do.

DORILANT

102Nay, they are used like rooks too, snubbed, checked and abused; yet the rogues will hang on.

HORNER

103A pox on 'em, and all that force nature, and would be still what she forbids 'em! Affectation is her greatest monster.

HARCOURT

104Most men are the contraries to that they would seem. Your bully you see, is a coward with a long sword; the little humbly fawning physician with his ebony cane is he that destroys men.

DORILANT

105The usurer, a poor rogue possessed of mouldy bonds and mortgages; and we they call spendthrifts are only wealthy, who lay out his money upon daily new purchases of pleasure.

HORNER

106Ay, your arrantest cheat is your trustee, or executor, your jealous man, the greatest cuckold, your church-man, the greatest atheist, and your noisy pert rogue of a wit, the greatest fop, dullest ass and worst company as you shall see, for here he comes.

Enter Sparkish to them.

SPARKISH

107How is't, sparks, how is't? Well, faith, Harry, I must rally thee a little, ha, ha, ha! upon the report in town of thee, ha, ha, ha! I can't hold i' faith; shall I speak?

HORNER

108Yes, but you'll be so bitter then.

SPARKISH

109Honest Dick and Frank here shall answer for me, I will not be extreme bitter, by the universe.

HARCOURT

110We will be bound in ten thousand pound bond, he shall not be bitter at all.

DORILANT

111Nor sharp, nor sweet.

HORNER

112What, not downright insipid?

SPARKISH

113Nay then, since you are so brisk and provoke me, take what follows. You must know, I was discoursing and rallying with some ladies yesterday, and they happened to talk of the fine new signs in town.

HORNER

114Very fine ladies I believe.

SPARKISH

115Said I, 'I know where the best new sign is.' 'Where?' says one of the ladies, 'In Covent Garden,' I replied. Said another, 'In what street?' 'In Russel Street,' answered I. 'Lord,' says another, 'I'm sure there was ne'er a fine new sign there yesterday.' 'Yes, but there was,' said I again, 'and it came out of France, and has been there a fortnight.'

DORILANT

116A pox! I can hear no more, prithee.

HORNER

117No, hear him out; let him tune his crowd a while.

HARCOURT

118The worst music, the greatest preparation.

SPARKISH

119Nay, faith, I'll make you laugh. 'It cannot be,' says a third lady. 'Yes, yes,' quoth I again. Says a fourth lady –

HORNER

120Look to't, we'll have no more ladies.

SPARKISH

121No? Then mark, mark, now. Said I to the fourth, 'did you never see Mr Horner? He lodges in Russel Street, and he's a sign of a man, you know, since he came out of France.' Heh, hah, he!

HORNER

122But the divel take me if thine be the sign of a jest.

SPARKISH

123With that they all fell a-laughing till they bepissed themselves! What, but it does not move you, methinks? Well, I see one had as good go to law without a witness, as break a jest without a laughter on one's side, Come, come, sparks, but where do we dine? I have left at Whitehall an earl to dine with you.

DORILANT

124Why, I thought thou hadst loved a man with a title better than a suit with a French trimming to't.

HARCOURT

125Go to him again.

SPARKISH

126No, sir, a wit to me is the greatest title in the world.

HORNER

127But go dine with your earl, sir, he may be exceptious. We are your friends, and will not take it ill to be left, I do assure you.

HARCOURT

128Nay, faith, he shall go to him.

SPARKISH

129Nay, pray, gentlemen.

DORILANT

130We'll thrust you out, if you wo'not. What, disappoint anybody for us?

SPARKISH

131Nay, dear gentlemen, hear me.

HORNER

132No, no, sir, by no means; pray go, sir.

SPARKISH

133Why, dear rogues –

They all thrust him out of the room.

DORILANT

134No, no.

ALL

135Ha, ha, ha!

Sparkish returns.

SPARKISH

136But, sparks, pray hear me. What, d'ye think I'll eat then with gay shallow fops and silent coxcombs? I think wit as necessary at dinner as a glass of good wine, and that's the reason I never have any stomach when I eat alone. Come, but where do we dine?

HORNER

137Ev'n where you will.

SPARKISH

138At Chateline's?

DORILANT

139Yes, if you will.

SPARKISH

140Or at the Cock?

DORILANT

141Yes, if you please.

SPARKISH

142Or at the Dog and Partridge?

HORNER

143Ay, if you have mind to't, for we shall dine at neither.

SPARKISH

144Pshaw! With your fooling we shall lose the new play; and I would no more miss seeing a new play the first day than I would miss sitting in the wits' row. Therefore I'll go fetch my mistress and away.

[Exit Sparkish.]

Manent Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant.

Enter to them Mr Pinchwife.

HORNER

145Who have we here? Pinchwife?

PINCHWIFE

146Gentlemen, your humble servant.

HORNER

147Well, Jack, by thy long absence from the town, the grumness of thy countenance, and the slovenliness of thy habit, I should give thee joy, should I not, of marriage?

PINCHWIFE

148[aside] Death, does he know I'm married too? I thought to have concealed it from him at least. – My long stay in the country will excuse my dress, and I have a suit of law, that brings me up to town, that puts me out of humour; besides, I must give Sparkish tomorrow five thousand pound to lie with my sister.

HORNER

149Nay, you country gentlemen, rather than not purchase, will buy anything; and he is a cracked title, if we may quibble. Well, but am I to give thee joy? I heard thou wert married.

PINCHWIFE

150What then?

HORNER

151Why, the next thing that is to be heard is, thou'rt a cuckold.

PINCHWIFE

152[aside] Insupportable name!

HORNER

153But I did not expect marriage from such a whoremaster as you, one that knew the town so much, and women so well.

PINCHWIFE

154Why, I have married no London wife.

HORNER

155Pshaw, that's all one; that grave circumspection in marrying a country wife is like refusing a deceitful pampered Smithfield jade, to go and be cheated by a friend in the country.

PINCHWIFE

156[aside] A pox on him and his simile! – At least we are a little surer of the breed there, know what her keeping has been, whether foyled or unsound.

HORNER

157Come, come, I have known a clap gotten in Wales; and there are cousins, justices, clarks, and chaplains in the country, I won't say coach-men. But she's hansdome and young?

PINCHWIFE

158[aside] I'll answer as I should do. – No, no, she has no beauty, but her youth; no attraction, but her modesty; wholesome, homely, and huswifely, that's all.

DORILANT

159He talks as like a grazier as he looks.

PINCHWIFE

160She's too aukerd, ill-favoured, and silly to bring to town.

HARCOURT

161Then methinks you should bring her, to be taught breeding.

PINCHWIFE

162To be taught? No, sir, I thank you, good wives and private soldiers should be ignorant. [Aside] I'll keep her from your instructions, I warrant you.

HARCOURT

163The rogue is as jealous as if his wife were not ignorant.

HORNER

164Why, if she be ill-favoured, there will be less danger here for you than by leaving her in the country; we have such variety of dainties that we are seldom hungry.

DORILANT

165But they have always coarse, constant, swinging stomachs in the country.

HARCOURT

166Foul feeders indeed.

DORILANT

167And your hospitality is great there.

HARCOURT

168Open house, every man's welcome.

PINCHWIFE

169So, so, gentlemen.

HORNER

170But prithee, why wouldst thou marry her? If she be ugly, ill-bred and silly, she must be rich then.

PINCHWIFE

171As rich as if she brought me twenty thousand pound out of this town; for she'll be as sure not to spend her moderate portion as a London baggage would be to spend hers, let it be what it would; so 'tis all one. Then, because she's ugly, she's the likelier to be my own; and being ill-bred, she'll hate conversation; and since silly and innocent, will not know the difference betwixt a man of one and twenty and one of forty.

HORNER

172Nine – to my knowledge. But if she be silly, she'll expect as much from a man of forty-nine as from him of one and twenty. But methinks wit is more necessary than beauty, and I think no young woman ugly that has it, and no handsome woman agreeable without it.

PINCHWIFE

173'Tis my maxim, he's a fool that marries, but he's a greater that does not marry a fool. What is wit in a wife good for, but to make a man a cuckold?

HORNER

174Yes, to keep it from his knowledge.

PINCHWIFE

175A fool cannot contrive to make her husband a cuckold.

HORNER

176No, but she'll club with a man that can; and what is worse, if she cannot make her husband a cuckold, she'll make him jealous, and pass for one, and then 'tis all one.

PINCHWIFE

177Well, well, I'll take care for one, my wife shall make me no cuckold, though she had your help, Mr Horner; I understand the town, sir.

DORILANT

178[aside] His help!

HARCOURT

179[aside] He's come newly to town it seems, and has not heard how things are with him.

HORNER

180But tell me, has marriage cured thee of whoring, which it seldom does?

HARCOURT

181'Tis more than age can do.

HORNER

182No, the word is, I'll marry and live honest; but a marriage vow is like a penitent gamester's oath, and ent'ring into bonds and penalties to stint himself to such a particular small sum at play for the future, which makes him but the more eager, and not being able to hold out, loses his money again, and his forfeit to boot.

DORILANT

183Ay, ay, a gamester will be a gamester, whilst his money lasts; and a whoremaster whilst his vigour.

HARCOURT

184Nay, I have known 'em, when they are broke and can lose no more, keep a-fumbling with the box in their hands to fool with only, and hinder other gamesters.

DORILANT

185That had wherewithal to make lusty stakes.

PINCHWIFE

186Well, gentlemen, you may laugh at me, but you shall never lie with my wife; I know the town.

HORNER

187But prithee, was not the way you were in better? Is not keeping better than marriage?

PINCHWIFE

188A pox on't, the jades would jilt me. I could never keep a whore to myself.

HORNER

189So then you only married to keep a whore to yourself? Well, but let me tell you, women, as you say, are like soldiers, made constant and loyal by good pay, rather than by oaths and covenants. Therefore I'd advise my friends to keep rather than marry, since too I find by your example it does not serve one's turn, for I saw you yesterday in the eighteen-penny place with a pretty country wench.

PINCHWIFE

190[aside] How the divel did he see my wife then? I sate there that she might not be seen. But she shall never go to a play again.

HORNER

191What, dost thou blush at nine and forty, for having been seen with a wench?

DORILANT

192No, faith, I warrant 'twas his wife, which he seated there out of sight, for he's a cunning rogue, and understand the town.

HORNER

193He blushes! Then 'twas his wife, for men are now more ashamed to be seen with them in public than with a wench.

PINCHWIFE

194[aside] Hell and damnation! I'm undone, since Horner has seen her, and they know 'twas she.

HORNER

195But prithee, was it thy wife? She was exceedingly pretty; I was in love with her at that distance.

PINCHWIFE

196You are like never to be nearer to her. Your servant, gentlemen.

[Offers to go.]

HORNER

197Nay, prithee, stay.

PINCHWIFE

198I cannot, I will not.

HORNER

199Come, you shall dine with us.

PINCHWIFE

200I have dine already.

HORNER

201Come, I know thou hast not. I'll treat thee, dear rogue, thou shalt spend none of thy Hampshire money today.

PINCHWIFE

202[aside] Treat me! So he uses me already like his cuckold.

HORNER

203Nay, you shall not go.

PINCHWIFE

204I must, I have business at home.

[Exit Pinchwife.]

HARCOURT

205To beat his wife. He's as jealous of her as a Cheapside husband of a Covent Garden wife.

HORNER

206Why, it is as hard to find an old whoremaster without jealousy and the gout, as a young one without fear or the pox.

As gout in age from pox in youth proceedes,

So wenching past, then jealousy succeeds:

The worst disease that love and wenching breeds.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

(Pinchwife's house)

Mrs Margery Pinchwife and Alithea: Mr Pinchwife peeping behind at the door.

MRS PINCHWIFE

207Pray, sister, where are the best fields and woods to walk in in London?

ALITHEA

208A pretty question! Why, sister, Mulberry Garden and St James's Park; and for close walks, the New Exchange.

MRS PINCHWIFE

209Pray, sister, tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town, and keeps me up so close, and will not let me go a-walking, nor let me wear my best gown yesterday.

ALITHEA

210Oh, he's jealous, sister.

MRS PINCHWIFE

211Jealous? What's that?

ALITHEA

212He's afraid you should love another man.

MRS PINCHWIFE

213How should he be afraid of my loving another man, when he will not let me see any but himself?

ALITHEA

214Did he not carry you yesterday to a play?

MRS PINCHWIFE

215Ay, but we sate amongst ugly people. He would not let me come near the gentry, who sate under us, so that I could not see 'em. He told me none but naughty women sate there, whom they toused and moused; but I would have ventured for all that.

ALITHEA

216But how did you like the play?

MRS PINCHWIFE

217Indeed I was a-weary of the play, but I liked hugeously the actors; they are the goodliest properest men, sister!

ALITHEA

218Oh, but you must not like the actors, sister.

MRS PINCHWIFE

219Ay, how should I help it, sister? Pray, sister, when my husband comes in, will you ask leave for me to go a-walking?

ALITHEA

220[aside] A-walking! Ha, ha! Lord, a country gentlewoman's leisure is the drudgery of a foot-post; and she requires as much airing as her husband's horses. Enter Mr Pinchwife to them. But here comes your husband. I'll ask, though I'm sure he'll not grant it.

MRS PINCHWIFE

221He says he won't let me go abroad, for fear of catching the pox.

ALITHEA

222Fie! The smallpox, you should say.

MRS PINCHWIFE

223Oh my dear, dear bud, welcome home! Why dost thou look so fropish? Who has nangered thee?

PINCHWIFE

224You're a fool.

Mrs Pinchwife goes aside and cries.

ALITHEA

225Faith so she is, for crying for no fault, poor tender creature!

PINCHWIFE

226What, you would have her as impudent as yourself, as errant a jilflirt, a gadder, a magpie, and to say all, a mere notorious town-woman?

ALITHEA

227Brother, you are my only censurer, and the honour of your family shall sooner suffer in your wife there than in me, though I take the innocent liberty of the town.

PINCHWIFE

228Hark you mistress, do not talk so before my wife. The innocent liberty of the town!

ALITHEA

229Why, pray, who boasts of any intrigue with me? What lampoon has made my name notorious? What ill women frequent my lodgings? I keep no company with any women of scandalous reputations.

PINCHWIFE

230No, you keep the men of scandalous reputations company.

ALITHEA

231Where? Would you not have me civil? Answer 'em in a box at the plays, in the drawing-room at Whitehall, in St James's Park, Mulberry Garden, or –

PINCHWIFE

232Hold, hold! Do not teach my wife where the men are to be found. I believe she's the worse for your town documents already. I bid you keep her in ignorance as I do.

MRS PINCHWIFE

233Indeed, be not angry with her bud, she will tell me nothing of the town, though I ask her a thousand times a day.

PINCHWIFE

234Then you are very inquisitive to know, I find?

MRS PINCHWIFE

235Not I indeed, dear, I hate London. Our place-house in the country is worth a thousand of't. Would I were there again!

PINCHWIFE

236So you shall, I warrant. But were you not talking of plays and players when I came in? [To Alithea] You are her encourager in such discourses.

MRS PINCHWIFE

237No indeed, dear, she chid me just now for liking the playermen.

PINCHWIFE

238[aside] Nay, if she be so innocent as to own to me her liking them, there is no hurt in't. – Come my poor rogue, but thou likest none better than me?

MRS PINCHWIFE

239Yes indeed, but I do, the playermen are finer folks.

PINCHWIFE

240But you love none better than me?

MRS PINCHWIFE

241You are mine own dear bud, and I know you. I hate a stranger.

PINCHWIFE

242Ay, my dear, you must love me only, and not be like the naughty town-women, who only hate their husbands, and love every man else, love plays, visits, fine coaches, fine clothes, fiddles, balls, treats, and so lead a wicked town-life.

MRS PINCHWIFE

243Nay, if to enjoy all these things be a town-life, London is not so bad a place, dear.

PINCHWIFE

244How! If you love me, you must hate London.

ALITHEA

245(aside) The fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleasures of the town, and he is now setting her agog upon them himself.

MRS PINCHWIFE

246But, husband, do the town-women love the player-men too?

PINCHWIFE

247Yes, I warrant you.

ALITHEA

248Ay, I warrant you.

PINCHWIFE

249Why, you do not, I hope?

MRS PINCHWIFE

250No, no, bud, but why have we no player-men in the country?

PINCHWIFE

251Ha! Mrs Minx, ask me no more to go to a play.

MRS PINCHWIFE

252Nay, why, love? I did not care for going; but when you forbid me, you make me, as't were, desire it.

ALITHEA

253[aside] So 'twill be in other things, I warrant.

MRS PINCHWIFE

254Pray, let me go to a play, dear.

PINCHWIFE

255Hold your peace, I wo'not.

MRS PINCHWIFE

256Why, love?

PINCHWIFE

257Why, I'll tell you.

ALITHEA

258[aside] Nay, if he tell her, she'll give him more cause to forbid her that place.

MRS PINCHWIFE

259Pray, why, dear?

PINCHWIFE

260First, you like the actors, and the gallants may like you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

261What, a homely country girl? No bud, nobody will like me.

PINCHWIFE

262I tell you yes, they may.

MRS PINCHWIFE

263No, no, you jest. I won't believe you, I will go.

PINCHWIFE

264I tell you then, that one of the lewdest fellows in town who saw you there, told me he was in love with you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

265Indeed! Who, who, pray, who was't?

PINCHWIFE

266[aside] I've gone too far, and slipped before I was aware. How overjoyed she is!

MRS PINCHWIFE

267Was it any Hampshire gallant, any of our neighbours? I promise you, I am beholding to him.

PINCHWIFE

268I promise you, you lie; for he would but ruin you, as he has done hundreds. He has no other love for women but that such as he look upon women, like basilisks, but to destroy 'em.

MRS PINCHWIFE

269Ay, but if he loves me why should he ruin me? Answer me to that. Methinks he should not. I would do him no harm.

ALITHEA

270Hah, ha, ha!

PINCHWIFE

271'Tis very well; but I'll keep him from doing you any harm, or me either. Enter Sparkish and Harcourt. But here comes company; get you in, get you in.

MRS PINCHWIFE

272But pray, husband, is he a pretty gentleman, that loves me?

PINCHWIFE

273In baggage, in. [Thrusts her in: shuts the door.] (aside) What, all the lewd libertines of the town brought to my lodging by this easy coxcomb! S'death, I'll not suffer it.

SPARKISH

274Here, Harcourt, do you approve my choice? Dear little rogue, I told you I'd bring you acquainted with all my friends, the wits, and –

Harcourt salutes her.

PINCHWIFE

275Ay, they shall know her as well as you yourself will, I warrant you.

SPARKISH

276This is one of those, my pretty rogue, that are to dance at your wedding tomorrow; and him you must bid welcome ever, to what you and I have.

PINCHWIFE

277[aside] Monstrous! –

SPARKISH

278Harcourt, how dost thou like her, faith? Nay, dear, do not look down; I should hate to have a wife of mine out of countenance at anything.

PINCHWIFE

279Wonderful!

SPARKISH

280Tell me, I say, Harcourt, how dost thou like her? Thou hast stared upon her enough to resolve me.

HARCOURT

281So infinitely well that I could wish I had a mistress too, that might differ from her in nothing but her love and engagement to you.

ALITHEA

282Sir, Master Sparkish has often told me that his acquaintance were all wits and railleurs, and now I find it.

SPARKISH

283No, by the universe, madam, he does not rally now; you may believe him. I do assure you, he is the honestest, worthiest, true-hearted gentleman – a man of such perfect honour, he would say nothing to a lady he does not mean.

PINCHWIFE

284(aside) Praising another man to his mistress!

HARCOURT

285Sir, you are so beyond expectation obliging that –

SPARKISH

286Nay, egad, I am sure you do admire her extremely, I see't in your eyes. - He does admire you, madam. -By the world, don't you?

HARCOURT

287Yes, above the world, or the most glorious part of it, her whole sex; and till now I never thought I should have envied you or any man about to marry, but you have the best excuse for marriage I ever knew.

ALITHEA

288Nay, now sir, I'm satisfied you are of the society of the wits and railleurs, since you cannot spare your friend, even when he is but too civil to you; but the surest sign is, since you are an enemy to marriage, for that I hear you hate as much as business or bad wine.

HARCOURT

289Truly, madam, I never was an enemy to marriage till now, because marriage was never an enemy to me before.

ALITHEA

290But why, sir, is marriage an enemy to you now? Because it robs you of your friend here? For you look upon a friend married as one gone into a monastery, that is, dead to the world.

HARCOURT

291'Tis indeed, because you marry him. I see madam, you can guess my meaning. I do confess heartily and openly I wish it were in my power to break the match, by heavens I would.

SPARKISH

292Poor Frank!

ALITHEA

293Would you be so unkind to me?

HARCOURT

294No, no, 'tis not because I would be unkind to you.

SPARKISH

295Poor Frank! No, egad, 'tis only his kindness to me.

PINCHWIFE

296[aside] Great kindness to you indeed! Insensible fop, let a man make love to his wife to his face!

SPARKISH

297Come, dear Frank, for all my wife there that shall be, thou shalt enjoy me sometimes, dear rogue. By my honour, we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage as much as for one dead in earnest. I think that was prettily said of me, ha, Harcourt? But come, Frank, be not melancholy for me.

HARCOURT

298No, I assure you I am not melancholy for you.

SPARKISH

299Prithee, Frank, dost think my wife that shall be there a fine person?

HARCOURT

300I could gaze upon her till I became as blind as you are.

SPARKISH

301How, as I am? How?

HARCOURT

302Because you are a lover, and true lovers are blind, stock blind.

SPARKISH

303True, true. But by the world, she has wit too, as well as beauty. Go, go with her into a corner, and try if she has wit. Talk to her any thing, she's bashful before me.

HARCOURT

304Indeed, if a woman wants wit in a corner, she has it nowhere.

ALITHEA

305[aside to Sparkish] Sir, you dispose of me a little before your time.

SPARKISH

306Nay, nay, madam, let me have an earnest of your obedience, or – go, go, madam.

Harcourt courts Alithea aside.

PINCHWIFE

307How, sir, if you are not concerned for the honour of a wife, I am for that of a sister. He shall not debauch her. Be a pander to your own wife, bring men to her, let 'em make love before your face, thrust 'em into a corner together, then leave 'em in private! Is this your town wit and conduct?

SPARKISH

308Hah, ha, ha! A silly wise rogue would make one laugh more than a stark fool, hah, ha! I shall burst. Nay, you shall not disturb 'em; I'll vex thee, by the world.

Struggles with Pinchwife to keep him from Harcourt and Alithea.

ALITHEA

309The writings are drawn, sir, settlements made; 'tis too late, sir, and past all revocation.

HARCOURT

310Then so is my death.

ALITHEA

311I would not be unjust to him.

HARCOURT

312Then why to me so?

ALITHEA

313I have no obligation to you.

HARCOURT

314My love.

ALITHEA

315I had his before.

HARCOURT

316You never had it; he wants, you see, jealousy, the only fallible sign of it.

ALITHEA

317Love proceeds from esteem; he cannot distrust my virtue. Besides, he loves me, or he would not marry me.

HARCOURT

318Marrying you is no more sign of his love than bribing your woman, that he may marry you, is a sign of his generosity. Marriage is rather a sign of interest than love; and he that marries a fortune covets a mistress, not loves her. But if you take marriage for a sign of love, take it from me immediately.

ALITHEA

319No, now you have put a scruple in my head; but in short, sir, to end our dispute, I must marry him, my reputation would suffer in the world else.

HARCOURT

320No, if you do marry him, with your pardon, madam, your reputation suffers in the world, and you would be thought in necessity for a cloak.

ALITHEA

321Nay, now you are rude, sir. – Mr Sparkish, pray come hither, your friend here is very troublesome, and very loving.

HARCOURT

322[aside to Alithea] Hold, hold!

PINCHWIFE

323D'ye hear that?

SPARKISH

324Why, d'ye think I'll seem to be jealous, like a country bumpkin?

PINCHWIFE

325No, rather be a cuckold, like a credulous cit.

HARCOURT

326Madam, you would not have been so little generous as to have told him.

ALITHEA

327Yes, since you could be so little generous as to wrong him.

HARCOURT

328Wrong him? No man can do't, he's beneath an injury. A bubble, a coward, a senseless idiot, a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you that –

ALITHEA

329Hold, do not rail at him, for since he is like to be my husband, I am resolved to like him. Nay, I think I am obliged to tell him you are not his friend. – Master Sparkish, Master Sparkish.

SPARKISH

330What, what? How, dear rogue, has not she wit?

HARCOURT

331 [speaks surlily] Not so much as I thought, and hoped she had.

ALITHEA

332Mr Sparkish, do you bring people to rail at you?

HARCOURT

333Madam –

SPARKISH

334How! No, but if he does rail at me, 'tis but in jest I warrant; what we wits do for one another, and never take any notice of it.

ALITHEA

335He spoke so scurrilously of you, I had no patience to hear him; besides, he has been making love to me.

HARCOURT

336[aside] True, damn'd tell-tale woman!

SPARKISH

337Pshaw, to shew his parts. We wits rail and make love often, but to shew our parts, as we have no affections, so we have no malice, we –

ALITHEA

338He said you were a wretch, below an injury.

SPARKISH

339Pshaw!

HARCOURT

340(aside) Damned, senseless, impudent, virtuous jade! Well, since she won't let me have her, she'll do as good, she'll make me hate her.

ALITHEA

341A common bubble.

SPARKISH

342Pshaw!

ALITHEA

343A coward.

SPARKISH

344Pshaw, pshaw!

ALITHEA

345A senseless drivelling idiot.

SPARKISH

346How! Did he disparage my parts? Nay, then my honour's concern'd, I can't put up that, sir, by the world. Brother, help me to kill him. [Aside] I may draw now, since we have the odds of him. 'Tis a good occasion too, before my mistress –

[Offers to draw.]

ALITHEA

347Hold, hold!

SPARKISH

348What, what?

ALITHEA

349[aside] I must not let 'em kill the gentleman neither, for his kindness to me; I am so far from hating him that I wish my gallant had his person and understanding. Nay, if my honour –

SPARKISH

350I'll be thy death.

ALITHEA

351Hold, hold! Indeed, to tell the truth, the gentleman said after all that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you.

SPARKISH

352How! Say, I am – I am a fool, that is, no wit, out of friendship to me?

ALITHEA

353Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you, and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake.

HARCOURT

354[aside] Kind, however –

SPARKISH

355Nay, if it were so, my dear rogue, I ask thee pardon. But why would not you tell me so, faith?

HARCOURT

356Because I did not think on't, faith.

SPARKISH

357Come, Horner does not come; Harcourt, let's be gone to the new play. – Come, madam.

ALITHEA

358I will not go if you intend to leave me alone in the box and run into the pit, as you use to do.

SPARKISH

359Pshaw! I'lle leave Harcourt with you in the box to entertain you, and that's as good; if I sate in the box, I should be thought no judge, but of trimmings. – Come away Harcourt, lead her down.

Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea.

PINCHWIFE

360Well, go thy ways for the flower of the true town fops, such as spend their estates before they come to 'em and are cuckolds before they're married. But let me go look to my own freehold. – How!

Enter My Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, and Mrs Squeamish.

LADY FIDGET

361Your servant, sir. Where is your lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new play.

PINCHWIFE

362New play!

LADY FIDGET

363And my husband will wait upon you presently.

PINCHWIFE

364[aside] Damn your civility. Madam, by no means. I will not see Sir Jasper here till I have waited upon him at home; nor shall my wife see you till she has waited upon your ladyship at your lodgings.

LADY FIDGET

365Now we are here, sir –

PINCHWIFE

366No, madam.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

367Pray let us see her.

MRS SQUEAMISH

368We will not stir till we see her.

PINCHWIFE

369[aside] A pox on you all. – [Goes to the door, and returns.] She has locked the door and is gone abroad.

LADY FIDGET

370No, you have locked the door, and she's within.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

371They told us below she was here.

PINCHWIFE

372(aside) Will nothing do? Well it must out then. To tell you the truth, ladies, which I was afraid to let you know before lest it might endanger your lives, my wife has just now the smallpox come out upon her. Do not be frightened; but pray be gone ladies. You shall not stay here in danger of your lives. Pray get you gone ladies.

LADY FIDGET

373No, no, we have all had 'em.

MRS SQUEAMISH

374Alack, alack!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

375Come, come, we must see how it goes with her. I understand the disease.

LADY FIDGET

376Come.

PINCHWIFE

377[aside] Well, there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon, lying; therefore I'll quit the field.

Exit Pinchwife.

MRS SQUEAMISH

378Here's an example of jealousy.

LADY FIDGET

379Indeed, as the world goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since wives are so neglected.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

380Pshaw! As the world goes, to what end should they be jealous?

LADY FIDGET

381Foh, 'tis a nasty world.

MRS SQUEAMISH

382That men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality should take up with, and spend themselves and fortunes in keeping little playhouse creatures, foh!

LADY FIDGET

383Nay, that women of understanding, great acquaintance, and good quality should fall a keeping too of little creatures, foh!

MRS SQUEAMISH

384Why, 'tis the men of quality's fault; they never visit women of honour and reputation, as they used to do; and have not so much as common civility for ladies of our rank, but use us with the same indifferency and ill breeding as if we were all married to 'em.

LADY FIDGET

385She says true. 'Tis an errant shame women of quality should be so slighted. Methinks birth – birth should go for something. I have known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only.

MRS SQUEAMISH

386Ay, one would think men of honour should not love, no more than marry out of their own rank.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

387Fie, fie upom 'em! They are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their dogs and horses.

LADY FIDGET

388They are dogs and horses for't.

MRS SQUEAMISH

389One would think, if not for love, for vanity a little.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

390Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes, and are kind to us in their report; tell all the world they lie with us.

LADY FIDGET

391Damned rascals! That we should be only wronged by 'em; to report a man has had a person, when he has not had a person, is the greatest wrong in the whole world that can be done to a person.

MRS SQUEAMISH

392Well, 'tis an arrant shame noble persons should be so wronged and neglected.

LADY FIDGET

393But still 'tis an arranter shame for a noble person to neglet her own honour, and defame her own noble person with little inconsiderable fellows. Foh!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

394I suppose the crime against our honour is the same with a man of quality as with another.

LADY FIDGET

395How! No, sure, the man of quality is likest one's husband, and therefore the fault should be the less.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

396But then the pleasure should be the less.

LADY FIDGET

397Fie, fie, fie, for shame sister! Whither shall we ramble? Be continent in your discourse, or I shall hate you.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

398Besides, an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality.

MRS SQUEAMISH

399'Tis true, nobody takes notice of a private man, and therefore with him 'tis more secret, and the crime's the less when 'tis not know.

LADY FIDGET

400You say true. I'faith, I think you are in the right on't. 'Tis not an injury to a husband till it be an injury to our honours; so that a woman of honour loses no honour with a private person. And to say truth –

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

401 [apart to Mrs Squeamish] So the little fellow is grown a private person with her.

LADY FIDGET

402But still my dear, dear honour.

Enter Sir Jasper, Horner, Dorilant.

SIR JASPER

403Ay, my dear, dear of honour, thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth –

HORNER

404[aside] That she has none elsewhere.

LADY FIDGET

405Oh, what d'ye mean to bring in these upon us?

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

406Foh! These are as bad as wits.

MRS SQUEAMISH

407Foh!

LADY FIDGET

408Let us leave the room.

SIR JASPER

409Stay, stay, 'faith, to tell you the naked truth –

LADY FIDGET

410Fie, Sir Jasper! Do not use that word 'naked'.

SIR JASPER

411Well, well, in short I have business at Whitehall, and cannot go to the play with you, therefore would have you go –

LADY FIDGET

412With those two to a play?

SIR JASPER

413No, not with t'other, but with Mr Horner. There can be no more scandal to go with him than with Mr Tattle, or Master Limberham.

LADY FIDGET

414With that nasty fellow! No – no!

SIR JASPER

415Nay, prithee dear, hear me.

[Whispers to Lady Fidget.]

HORNER

416Ladies –

[Horner, Dorilant, drawing near Squeamish and Dainty.]

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

417Stand off.

MRS SQUEAMISH

418Do not approach us.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

419You herd with the wits, you are obscenity all over.

MRS SQUEAMISH

420And I would as soon look upon a picture of Adam and Eve, without fig leaves, as any of you, if I could help it; therefore keep off, and do not make us sick.

DORILANT

421What a divel are these?

HORNER

422Why, these are pretenders to honour, as critics to wit, only by censuring others; and as every raw, peevish, out-of-humoured, affected, dull, tea-drinking, arithmetical fop sets up for a wit by railing at men of sense, so these for honour, by railing at the Court, and ladies of as great honour as quality.

SIR JASPER

423Come, Mr Horner, I must desire you to go with these ladies to the play, sir.

HORNER

424I, sir!

SIR JASPER

425Ay, ay, come, sir.

HORNER

426I must beg your pardon, sir, and theirs, I will not be seen in women's company in public again for the world.

SIR JASPER

427Ha, ha! Strange aversion!

MRS SQUEAMISH

428No, he's for women's company in private.

SIR JASPER

429He – poor man – he! Ha, ha, ha!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

430'Tis a greater shame amongst lewd fellows to be seen in virtuous women's company than for the women to be seen with them.

HORNER

431Indeed, madam, the time was I only hated virtuous women, but now I hate the other too. I beg you pardon, ladies.

LADY FIDGET

432You are very obliging, sir, because we would not be troubled with you.

SIR JASPER

433In sober sadness he shall go.

DORILANT

434Nay, if he wo'not, I am ready to wait upon the ladies; and I think I am the fitter man.

SIR JASPER

435You, sir? No I thank you for that – Master Horner is a privileged man amongst the virtuous ladies; 'twill be a great while before you are so, heh, he, he! He's my wife's gallant, heh, he, he! No, pray, withdraw, sir, for as I take it, the virtuous ladies have no business with you.

DORILANT

436And I am sure he can have none with them. 'Tis strange a man can't come amongst virtuous women now but upon the same terms as men are admitted into the Great Turk's Seraglio. But heavens keep me from being an ombre player with 'em! But where is Pinchwife?

[Exit Dorilant.]

SIR JASPER

437Come, come, man. What, avoid the sweet society of woman-kind? That sweet, soft, gentle, tame, noble creature woman, made for man's companion?

HORNER

438So is that soft, gentle, tame, and more noble creature a spaniel, and has all their tricks; can fawn, lie down, suffer beating, and fawn the more; barks at your friends when they come to see you, makes your bed hard, gives you fleas, and the mange sometimes. And all the difference is, the spaniel's the more faithful animal, and fawns but upon one master.

SIR JASPER

439Heh, he, he!

MRS SQUEAMISH

440Oh, the rude beast!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

441Insolent brute!

LADY FIDGET

442Brute! Stinking, mortified, rotten French wether, to dare –

SIR JASPER

443Hold, an't please your ladyship. For shame, Master Horner, your mother was a woman. [Aside] Now shall I never reconcile 'em. – Hark you, madam, take my advice in your anger. You know you often want one to make up your drolling pack of ombre players; and you may cheat him easily, for he's an ill gamester, and consequently loves play. Besides, you know, you have but two old civil gentlemen (with stinking breaths too) to wait upon you abroad; take in the third into your service. The other are but crazy. And a lady should have a supernumerary gentleman-usher, as a supernumerary coach-horse, lest sometimes you should be forced to stay at home.

LADY FIDGET

444But are you sure he loves play, and has money?

SIR JASPER

445He loves play as much as you, and has money as much as I.

LADY FIDGET

446The I am contented to make him pay for his scurrility. Money makes up in a measure all other wants in men. Those whom we cannot make hold for gallants, we make fine.

SIR JASPER

447[aside] So, so. Now to mollify, to wheedle him. – Master Horner, will you never keep civil company? Methinks 'tis time now, since you are only fit for them. Come, come, man, you must e'en fall to visiting our wives, eating at our tables, drinking tea with our virtuous relations after dinner, dealing cards to 'em, reading plays and gazettes to 'em, picking fleas out of their shocks for 'em, collecting receipts, new songs, women, pages, and footmen for 'em.

HORNER

448I hope they'll afford me better employment, sir.

SIR JASPER

449Heh, he, he! 'Tis fit you know your work before you come into your place. And since you are unprovided of a lady to flatter and a good house to eat at, pray frequent mine, and call my wife mistress, and she shall call you gallant, according to the custom.

HORNER

450Who, I?

SIR JASPER

451Faith, thou shalt for my shake, come, for my sake only.

HORNER

452For your sake –

SIR JASPER

453Come, come, (to ladies) here's a gamester for you, let him be a little familiar sometimes. Nay, what if a little rude? Gamesters may be rude with ladies, you know.

LADY FIDGET

454Yes, losing gamesters have a privilege with women.

HORNER

455I always thought the contrary, that the winning gamester had most privilege with women; for when you have lost your money to a man, you'll lose anything you have, all you have, they say, and he may use you as he pleases.

SIR JASPER

456Heh, he, he! Well, win or lose, you shall have your liberty with her.

LADY FIDGET

457As he behaves himself; and for your sake I'll give him admittance and freedom.

HORNER

458All sorts of freedom, madam?

SIR JASPER

459Ay, ay, ay, all sorts of freedom thou canst take. And so go to her, begin thy new employment. Wheedle her, jest with her, and be better acquainted one with another.

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

(Pinchwife's house.)

Alithea and Mrs Pinchwife.

ALITHEA

460Sister, what ails you? You are grown melancholy.

MRS PINCHWIFE

461Would it not make anyone melancholy, to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, whilst I must stay at home like a poor, lonely, sullen bird in a cage?

ALITHEA

462Ay, sister, but you came young, and just from the nest to your cage, so that I thought you like it, and could be as cheerful in't as others that took their flight themselves early, and are hopping abroad in the open air.

MRS PINCHWIFE

463Nay, I confess I was quiet enough till my husband told me what pure lives the London ladies live abroad, with their dancing, meetings and junketings, and dressed every day in their best gowns; and I warrant you, play at ninepins every day of the week, so they do.

Enter Mr Pinchwife.

PINCHWIFE

464Come, what's here to do? You are putting the town pleasures in her head and setting her a-longing.

ALITHEA

465Yes, after nine pins. You suffer none to give her those longings you mean, but yourself.

PINCHWIFE

466I tell her of the vanities of the town like a confessor.

ALITHEA

467A confessor! Just such a confessor as he that by forbidding a silly oastler to grease the horse's teeth, taught him to do't.

PINCHWIFE

468Come Mistress Flippant, good precepts are lost when bad examples are still before us. The liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it, and out of humour at home. Poor wretch! She desired not to come to London; I would bring her.

ALITHEA

469Very well.

PINCHWIFE

470She has been this week in town, and never desired, till this afternoon, to go abroad.

ALITHEA

471Was she not at a play yesterday?

PINCHWIFE

472Yes, but she ne'er asked me. I was myself the cause of her going.

ALITHEA

473Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking, and not my example.

PINCHWIFE

474Well, tomorrow night I shall be rid of you; and the next day before 'tis light, she and I'll be rid of the town, and my dreadful apprehensions. (To Mrs Pichwfe) Come, be not melancholy, for thou shalt go into the country after tomorrow, dearest.

ALITHEA

475Great comfort!

MRS PINCHWIFE

476Pish, what d'ye tell me of the country for?

PINCHWIFE

477How's this! What, pish at the country?

MRS PINCHWIFE

478Let me alone, I am not well.

PINCHWIFE

479Oh, if that be all. What ails my dearest?

MRS PINCHWIFE

480Truly I don't know. But I have not been well since you told me there was a gallant at the play in love with me.

PINCHWIFE

481Ha!

ALITHEA

482That's by my example too!

PINCHWIFE

483Nay, if you are not well, but are so concerned because a lewd fellow chanced to lie and say he liked you, you'll make me sick too.

MRS PINCHWIFE

484Of what sickness?

PINCHWIFE

485Oh, of that which is worse tan the plague, jealousy.

MRS PINCHWIFE

486Pish, you jeer. I'm sure there's no such disease in our receipt-book at home.

PINCHWIFE

487No, thou never met'st with it, poor innocent – [Aside] Well, if thou cuckold me, 'twill be my own fault, for cuckolds and bastards are generally makers of their own fortune.

MRS PINCHWIFE

488Well, but pray bud, let's go to a play tonight.

PINCHWIFE

489(aside) 'Tis just done, she comes from it. (To Mrs Pinchwife) But why are you so eager to see a play?

MRS PINCHWIFE

490Faith dear, not that I care one pin for their talk there. But I like to look upon the playermen, and would see, if I could, the gallant you say loves me. That's all, dear bud.

PINCHWIFE

491Is that all, dear bud?

ALITHEA

492This proceeds from my example!

MRS PINCHWIFE

493But if the play be done, let's go abroad however, dear bud.

PINCHWIFE

494Come, have a little patience, and thou shalt go into the country on Friday.

MRS PINCHWIFE

495Therefore I would see first some sights, to tell my neighbours of. Nay, I will go abroad, that's once.

ALITHEA

496I'm the cause of this desire too.

PINCHWIFE

497But now I think on't, who was the cause of Horner's coming to my lodging today? That was you.

ALITHEA

498No, you, because you would not let him see your handsome wife out of your lodging.

MRS PINCHWIFE

499Why, O Lord! Did the gentleman come hither to see me indeed?

PINCHWIFE

500No, no. You are not the cause of that damned question too, Mistress Alithea? – [Aside] Well, she's in the right of it. He is in love with my wife, and comes after her; 'tis so; but I'll nip his love in the bud, lest he should follow us into the country and break his chariot-wheel near our house, on purpose for an excuse to come to't. But I think I know the town.

MRS PINCHWIFE

501Come, pray bud, let's go abroad before 'tis late; for I will go, that's flat and plain.

PINCHWIFE

502[aside] So! The obstinacy already of a town-wife, and I must, whilst she's here, humour her like one. – Sister, how shall we do, that she may not be seen or known?

ALITHEA

503Let her put on her mask.

PINCHWIFE

504Pshaw! A mask makes people but the more inquisitive, and is as ridiculous a disguise as a stage-beard; her shape, stature, habit will be known. And if we should meet with Horner, he would be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the devil and all. No, I'll not use her to a mask, 'tis dangerous; for masks have made more cuckolds than the best faces that ever were known.

ALITHEA

505How will you do then?

MRS PINCHWIFE

506Nay, shall we go? The Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that.

PINCHWIFE

507So – I have it – I'll dress her up in the suit we are to carry down to her brother, little Sir James; nay, I understand the town tricks. Come, let's go dress her. A mask! No – a woman masked, like a covered dish, gives a man curiosity and appetite, when, it may be, uncovered, 'twould turn his stomach. No, no.

ALITHEA

508Indeed, your comparison is something a greasy one. But I had a gentle gallant used to say, a beauty masked, like the sun in eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out.

Exeunt.

SCENE TWO

The scene changes to the New Exchange. Enter Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant.

DORILANT

509Engaged to women, and not sup with us?

HORNER

510Ay, a pox on 'em all!

HARCOURT

511You were much a more reasonable man in the morning, and, had as noble resolutions against 'em as a widower of a week's liberty.

DORILANT

512Did I ever think to see you keep company with women in vain?

HORNER

513In vain! No – 'tis, since I can't love 'em, to be revenged on 'em.

HARCOURT

514Now your sting is gone, you looked in the box, amongst all those women, like a drone in the hive, all upon you; shoved and ill-used by 'em all, and thrust from one side to t'other.

DORILANT

515Yet he must be buzzing amongst 'em still, like other old beetle-headed, liquorish drones. Avoid 'em, and hate'm as they hate you.

HORNER

516Because I do hate 'em, and would hate 'em yet more, I'll frequent 'em. You may see by marriage, nothing makes a man hate a woman more than her constant conversation. In short, I converse with 'em, as you do with rich fools, to laugh at 'em and use 'em ill.

DORILANT

517But I would no more sup with women, unless I could lie with 'em, than sup with a rich coxcomb unless I could cheat him.

HORNER

518Yes, I had known thee sup with a fool for his drinking. If he could set out your hand that way only, you were satisfied, and if he were a wine-swallowing mouth 'twas enough.

HARCOURT

519Yes, a man drinks often with a fool, as he tosses with a marker, only to keep his hand in ure. But do the ladies drink?

HORNER

520Yes, sir, and I shall have the pleasure at least of laying 'em flat with a bottle, and bring as much scandal that way upon 'em as formerly t'other.

HARCOURT

521Perhaps you may prove as weak a brother amongst 'em that way as t'other.

DORILANT

522Foh! Drinking with women is as unnatural as scolding with 'em; but 'tis a pleasure of decayed fornicators, and the basest way of quenching love.

HARCOURT

523Nay, 'tis drowning love instead of quenching it. But leave us for civil women too!

DORILANT

524Ay, when he can't be the better for 'em. We hardly pardon a man that leaves his friend for a wench, and that's a pretty lawful call.

HORNER

525Faith, I would not leave you for 'em, if they would not drink.

DORILANT

526Who would disappoint his company at Lewis's for a gossiping?

HARCOURT

527Foh! Wine and women, good apart, together as nauseous as sack and sugar. But hark you, sir, before you go, a little of your advice; and old maimed general, when unfit for action, is fittest for counsel. I have other designs upon women than eating and drinking with them. I am in love with Sparkish's mistress, whom he is to marry tomorrow. Now how shall I get her?

Enter Sparkish, looking about.

HORNER

528Why, here comes one will help you to her.

HARCOURT

529He! He, I tell you, is my rival, and will hinder my love.

HORNER

530No, a foolish rival and a jealous husband assist their rival's designs; for they are sure to make their women hate them, which is the first step to their love for another man.

HARCOURT

531But I cannot come near his mistress, but in his company.

HORNER

532Still the better for you, for fools are most easily cheated when they themselves are accessories. And he is to be bubbled of his mistress, as of his money, the common mistress, by keeping him company.

SPARKISH

533Who is that, that is to be bubbled? Faith let me snack, I han't met with a bubble since Christmas. Gad, I think bubbles are like their brother woodcocks, go out with the cold weather.

HARCOURT

534[apart to Horner] A pox! He did not hear all, I hope.

SPARKISH

535Come, you bubbling rogues you, where do we sup? Oh, Harcourt, my mistress tells me you have been making fierce love to her all the play long, hah, ha! But I –

HARCOURT

536I make love to her?

SPARKISH

537Nay, I forgive thee; for I think I know thee, and I know her, but I am sure I know myself.

HARCOURT

538Did she tell you so? I see all women are like these of the Exchange, who, to enhance the price of their commodities, report to their fond customers offers which were never made 'em.

HORNER

539Ay, women are as apt to tell before the intrigue as men after it, and so shew themselves the vainer sex. But hast thou a mistress, Sparkish? 'Tis as hard for me to believe it as that thou ever hadst a bubble, as you bragged just now.

SPARKISH

540Oh, you servant, sir; are you at your raillery sir? But we were some of us beforehand with you today at the play. The wits were something bold with you, sir. Did you not hear us laugh?

HARCOURT

541Yes, but I thought you had gone to plays to laugh at the poet's wit, not at your own.

SPARKISH

542Your servant, sir, no, I thank you. Gad, I go to a play as to a country treat, I carry my own wine to one, and my own wit to t'other, or else I'm sure I should not be merry at either. And the reason why we are so often louder than the players is because we think we speak more wit, and so become the poet's rival in his audience. For to tell you the truth, we hate the silly rogues. Nay, so much that we find fault even with their bawdy upon the stage, whilst we talk nothing else in the pit as loud.

HORNER

543But why shouldst thou hate the silly poets? Thou hast too much wit to be one, and they, like whores, are only hated by each other; and thou dost scorn writing, I'm sure.

SPARKISH

544Yes, I'd have you to know, I scorn writing. But women, women, that make men do all foolish things, make 'em write songs too; everybody does it. 'Tis even as common with lovers as playing with fans; and you can no more help rhyming to your Phyllis than drinking to your Phyllis.

HARCOURT

545Nay, poetry in love is no more to be avoided than jealousy.

DORILANT

546But the poets damned your songs, did they?

SPARKISH

547Damn the poets! They turned 'em into burlesque, as they call it. That burlesque is a hocus-pocus-trick they have got, which by the virtue of hictius doctius, topsey turvey they make a wise and witty man in the world a fool upon the stage you know not how. And 'tis before I hate 'em too, for I know not but it may be my own case; for they'll put a man into a play for looking a-squint. Their predecessors were contented to make serving-men only their stage fools, but these rogues must have gentlemen, with a pox to 'em, nay, knights. And indeed, you shall hardly see a fool upon the stage but he's a knight; and to tell you the truth, they have kept me these six years from being a knight in earnest, for fear of being knighted in a play, and dubbed a fool.

DORILANT

548Blame 'em not; they must follow their copy, the age.

HARCOURT

549But why shouldst thou be afraid of being in a play, who expose yourself every day in the playhouses, and as public places?

HORNER

550'Tis but being on the stage, instead of standing on a bench in the pit.

DORILANT

551Don't you give money to painters to draw you like? And are you afraid of your pictures at length in a playhouse, where all your mistresses may see you?

SPARKISH

552A pox! Painters don't draw the smallpox or pimples in one's face. Come, damn all your silly authors whatever, all books and booksellers, by the world, and all readers, courteous or uncourteous.

HARCOURT

553But who comes here, Sparkish?

Enter Mr Pinchwife, and his wife in man's clothes, Alithea, Lucy her maid.

SPARKISH

554Oh hide me, there's my mistress too.

[Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt.]

HARCOURT

555She sees you.

SPARKISH

556But I will not see her. 'Tis time to go to Whitehall, and I must not fail the drawing-room.

HARCOURT

557Pray, first carry me, and reconcile me to her.

SPARKISH

558Another time. Faith, the King will have supped.

HARCOURT

559Not with the worse stomach for thy absence. Thou art one of those fools that think their attendance at the King's meals as necessary as his physicians', when you are more troublesome to him than his doctors or his dogs.

SPARKISH

560Pshaw! I know my interest, sir. Prithee hide me.

HORNER

561Your servant, Pinchwife. – What, he knows us not!

PINCHWIFE

562[to his wife aside] Come along.

MRS PINCHWIFE

563Pray, have you any ballads? Give me sixpenny worth.

CLASP

564We have no ballads.

MRS PINCHWIFE

565Then give me Covent Garden Drollery, and a play or two. – Oh, here's Tarugo's Wiles, and The Slighted Maiden, I'll have them.

PINCHWIFE

566[apart to her] No, plays are not for your reading. Come along: will you discover yourself?

HORNER

567Who is that pretty youth with him, Sparkish?

SPARKISH

568I believe his wife's brother, because he's something like her, but I never saw her but once.

HORNER

569Extremely handsome; I have seen a face like it too. Let us follow 'em.

Exeunt Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife, Alithea, Lucy; Horner, Dorilant following them.

HARCOURT

570Come, Sparkish, your mistress saw you and will be angry you go not to her. Besides, I would fain be reconciled to her, which none but you can do, dear friend.

SPARKISH

571Well, that's a better reason, dear friend. I would not go near her now for her's or my own sake, but I can deny you nothing. For though I have known thee a great while, never go if I do not love thee as well as a new acquaintance.

HARCOURT

572I am obliged to you indeed, dear friend. I would be well with her only to be well with thee still. For these ties to wives usually dissolve all ties to friends. I would be contented she should enjoy you a-nights, but I would have have you to myself a-days, as I have had, dear friend.

SPARKISH

573And thou shalt enjoy me a-days, dear, dear friend, never stir; and I'll be divorced from her sooner than from thee. Come along.

HARCOURT

574[aside] So, we are hard put to't when we make our rival our procurer. But neither she nor her brother would let me come near her now. When all's done, a rival is the best cloak to steal to a mistress under, without suspicion; and when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other cloaks.

Exit Sparkish, and Harcourt following him.

Re-enter Mr Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife in man's clothes.

PINCHWIFE

575 [To Alithea (offstage)] Sister, if you will not go, we must leave you. – [Aside] The fool her gallant and she will muster up all the young saunterers of this place, and they will leave their dear seamstresses to follow us. What a swarm of cuckolds and cuckold-makers are here! Come, let't be gone, Mistress Margery.

MRS PINCHWIFE

576Don't you believe that, I han't half my bellyful of sights yet.

PINCHWIFE

577Then walk this way.

MRS PINCHWIFE

578Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! Stay – the Bull's Head, the Ram's Head, and the Stag's Head, dear –

PINCHWIFE

579Nay, if every husband's proper sign here were visible, they would be all alike.

MRS PINCHWIFE

580What d'ye mean by that, bud?

PINCHWIFE

581'Tis no matter – no matter, bud.

MRS PINCHWIFE

582Pray tell me; nay, I will know.

PINCHWIFE

583They would be all bulls', stags', and rams' heads.

Exeunt Mr Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.

Re-enter Sparkish, Harcourt, Alithea, Lucy at t'other door.

SPARKISH

584Come, dear madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him.

ALITHEA

585For your sake I hate him.

HARCOURT

586That's something too cruel, madam, to hate me for his sake.

SPARKISH

587Ay indeed, madam, too, too cruel to me, to hate my friend for my sake.

ALITHEA

588I hate him because he is your enemy; and you ought to hate him too, for making love to me, if you love me.

SPARKISH

589That's a good one! I hate a man for loving you! If he did love you, 'tis but what he can't help, and 'tis your fault not his, if he admires you. I hate a man for being of my opinion! I'll ne'er do't, by the world.

ALITHEA

590Is it for your honour or mine, to suffer a man to make love to me, who am to marry you tomorrow?

SPARKISH

591Is it for your honour or mine, to have me jealous? That he makes love to you is a sign you are handsome; and that I am not jealous is a sign you are virtuous. That, I think, is for your honour.

ALITHEA

592But 'tis your honour too I am concerned for.

HARCOURT

593But why, dearest madam, will you be more concerned for his honour than he is himself? Let his honour alone, for my sake and his. He, he has no honour –

SPARKISH

594How's that?

HARCOURT

595But what my dear friend can guard himself.

SPARKISH

596Oho – that's right again.

HARCOURT

597Your care of his honour argues his neglect of it, which is no honour to my dear friend here; therefore once more, let his honour go which way it will, dear madam.

SPARKISH

598Ay, ay, were it for my honour to marry a woman whose virtue I suspected, and could not trust her in a friend's hands?

ALITHEA

599Are you not afraid to lose me?

HARCOURT

600He afraid to lose you, madam! No, no – you may see how the most estimable and most glorious creature in the world is valued by him. Will you not see it?

SPARKISH

601Right, honest Frank. I have that noble value for her that I cannot be jealous of her.

ALITHEA

602You mistake him, he means you care not for me, nor who has me.

SPARKISH

603Lord, madam, I see you are jealous. Will you wrest a poor man's meaning from his words?

ALITHEA

604You astonish me, sir, with your want of jealousy.

SPARKISH

605And you make me giddy, madam, with your jealousy and fears, and virtue, and honour. Gad, I see virtue makes a woman as troublesome as a little reading or learning.

ALITHEA

606Monstrous!

LUCY

607 [behind] Well, to see what easy husbands these women of quality can meet with; a poor chambermaid can never have such lady-like luck. Besides, he's thrown away upon her; she'll make no use of her fortune, her blessing; none to a gentleman for a pure cuckold, for it requires good breeding to be a cuckold.

ALITHEA

608I tell you then plainly, he pursues me to marry me.

SPARKISH

609Pshaw!

HARCOURT

610Come, madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me. My dear friend is the kindest creature in the world to me.

SPARKISH

611Poor fellow.

HARCOURT

612But his kindness only is not enough for me, without your favour. Your good opinion, dear madam, 'tis that must perfect my happiness. Good gentleman, he believes all I say; would you would do so. Jealous of me! I would not wrong him nor you for the world.

SPARKISH

613Look you there; hear him, hear him, and do not walk away so.

Alithea walks carelessly, to and fro.

HARCOURT

614I love you, madam, so –

SPARKISH

615How's that! Nay, now you begin to go too far indeed.

HARCOURT

616So much I confess, I say I love you, that I would not have you miserable, and cast yourself away upon so unworthy and inconsiderable a thing as what you see here.

[Clapping his hand on his breast, points at Sparkish.]

SPARKISH

617No, faith, I believe thou wouldst not, now his meaning is plain. But I knew before thou wouldst not wrong me nor her.

HARCOURT

618No, no, heavens forbid the glory of her sex should fall so low as into the embraces of such a contemptible wretch, the last of mankind – my dear friend here – I injure him.

[Embracing Sparkish.]

ALITHEA

619Very well.

SPARKISH

620No, no, dear friend, I knew it. Madam, you see he will rather wrong himself than me, in giving himself such names.

ALITHEA

621Do not you understand him yet?

SPARKISH

622Yes, how modestly he speaks of himself, poor fellow.

ALITHEA

623Methinks he speaks impudently of yourself, since – before yourself too; insomuch that I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me.

[Offers to go.]

SPARKISH

624Nay, nay, madam, pray stay. His love to you! Lord, madam, has he not spoke yet plain enough?

ALITHEA

625Yes indeed, I should think so.

SPARKISH

626Well then, by the world, a man can't speak civilly to a woman now, but presently she says he makes love to her. Nay, madam, you shall stay, with your pardon, since you have not yet understood him, till he has made an eclaircisment of his love to you, that is, what kind of love it is – [To Harcourt] Answer to thy catechism, friend; do you love my mistress here?

HARCOURT

627Yes, I wish she would not doubt it.

SPARKISH

628But how do you love her?

HARCOURT

629With all my soul.

ALITHEA

630I thank him, methinks he speaks plain enough now.

SPARKISH

631 [to Alithea] You are out still. – But with what kind of love, Harcourt?

HARCOURT

632With the best and truest love in the world.

SPARKISH

633Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I'm sure.

ALITHEA

634How's that? Do you say matrimonial love is not best?

SPARKISH

635Gad, I went too far ere I was aware. But speak for thyself, Harcourt. You said you would not wrong me nor her.

HARCOURT

636No, no, madam, e'en take him, for heaven's sake –

SPARKISH

637Look you there, madam.

HARCOURT

638Who should in all justice be yours, he that loves you most.

[Claps his hand on his breast.]

ALITHEA

639Look you there, Mr Sparkish, who's that?

SPARKISH

640Who should it be? Go on Harcourt.

HARCOURT

641Who loves you more than women titles, or fortune fools.

[Points at Sparkish.]

SPARKISH

642Look you there, he means me still, for he points at me.

ALITHEA

643Ridiculous!

HARCOURT

644Who can only match your faith and constancy in love.

SPARKISH

645Ay.

HARCOURT

646Who knows, if it be possible, how to value so much beauty and virtue.

SPARKISH

647Ay.

HARCOURT

648Whose love can no more be equalled in the world than that heavenly form of yours.

SPARKISH

649No.

HARCOURT

650Who could no more suffer a rival than your absence, and yet could no more suspect your virtue than his own constancy in his love to you.

SPARKISH

651No.

HARCOURT

652Who in fine loves you better than his eyes, that first made him love you.

SPARKISH

653Ay – nay, madam, faith you shan't go till –

ALITHEA

654Have a care, lest you make me stay too long.

SPARKISH

655But till he has saluted you, that I may be assured you are friends, after his honest advice and declaration. Come, pray, madam, be friends with him.

Enter Master Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.

ALITHEA

656You must pardon me, sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you.

PINCHWIFE

657What, invite your wife to kiss men? Monstrous! Are you not ashamed? I will never forgive you.

SPARKISH

658Are you not ashamed that I should have more confidence in the chastity of your family than you have? You must not teach me; I am a man of honour, sir, though I am frank and free. I am frank, sir –

PINCHWIFE

659Very frank, sir, to share your wife with your friends.

SPARKISH

660He is an humble, menial friend, such as reconciles the differences of the marriage bed. You know man and wife do not always agree. I design him for that use, therefore would have him well with my wife.

PINCHWIFE

661A menial friend! You will get a great many menial friends by shewing your wife as you do.

SPARKISH

662What then? It may be I have a pleasure in't, as I have to shew fine clothes at a playhouse the first day, and count money before poor rogues.

PINCHWIFE

663He that shews his wife or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes.

SPARKISH

664I love to be envied, and would not marry a wife that I alone could love. Loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Is it not a frank age? And I am a frank person. And to tell you the truth, it may be I love to have rivals in a wife, they make her seem to a man still but as a kept mistress. And so good night, for I must to Whitehall. Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my friend; amd so I wish you a good night, madam, and sleep if you can, for tomorrow you know I must visit you early with a canonical gentleman. Good night, dear Harcourt.

[Exit Sparkish.]

HARCOURT

665Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit tomorrow, if it should be earlier, with a canonical gentleman, than Mr Sparkish's.

PINCHWIFE

666 [coming between Alithea and Harcourt] This gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, sir.

HARCOURT

667Must, sir?

PINCHWIFE

668Yes, sir, she is my sister.

HARCOURT

669'Tis well she is, sir, for I must be her servant, sir. – Madam –

PINCHWIFE

670Come away, sister, we had been gone, if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd rakehells, who seem to haunt us.

Enter Horner, Dorilant to them.

HORNER

671How now, Pinchwife?

PINCHWIFE

672Your servant.

HORNER

673What! I see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable, and only fit to converse with his horses, dogs, and his herds.

PINCHWIFE

674I have business, sir and must mind it; your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways.

HORNER

675Well, you may go on, but this pretty young gentleman –

[Takes hold of Mrs Pinchwife.]

HARCOURT

676The lady –

DORILANT

677And the maid –

HORNER

678Shall stay with us, for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure.

PINCHWIFE

679[aside] 'Sdeath, he knows her, she carries it so sillily! Yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first.

ALITHEA

680Pray, let us go, sir.

PINCHWIFE

681Come, come –

HORNER

682 [to Mrs Pinchwife] Had you not rather stay with us? Prithee, Pinchwife, who is this pretty young gentleman?

PINCHWIFE

683One to whom I'm a guardian. [Aside] I wish I could keep her out of your hands –

HORNER

684Who is he? I never saw anything so pretty in all my life.

PINCHWIFE

685Pshaw! Do not look upon him so much, he's a poor bashful youth; you'll put him out of countenance. Come away, brother.

[Offers to take her away.]

HORNER

686Oh, your brother!

PINCHWIFE

687Yes, my wife's brother. – Come, come she'll stay supper for us.

HORNER

688I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the play with, whom I told you I was in love with.

MRS PINCHWIFE

689[aside] O Jeminy! Is this he that was in love with me? I am glad on't I vow, for he's a curious fine gentleman, and I love him already too. [To Mr Pinchwife] Is this he, bud?

PINCHWIFE

690 [to his wife] Come away, come away.

HORNER

691Why, what haste are you in? Why won't you let me talk with him?

PINCHWIFE

692Because you'll debauch him; he's yet young and innocent, and I would not have him debauched for any thing in the world. [Aside] How she gazes on him! The divel!

HORNER

693Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here, this is the likeness of that dowdy he told us of, his wife. Did you ever see a lovelier creature? The rogue has reason to be jealous of his wife, since she is like him, for she would make all that see her in love with her.

HARCOURT

694And as I remember now, she is as like him here as can be.

DORILANT

695She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him.

HORNER

696Very pretty? A very pretty commendation! She is a glorious creature, beautiful beyond all things I ever beheld.

PINCHWIFE

697So, so.

HARCOURT

698More beautiful than a poet's first mistress of imagination.

HORNER

699Or another man's last mistress of flesh and blood.

MRS PINCHWIFE

700Nay, now you jeer, sir. Pray don't jeer me.

PINCHWIFE

701Come, come. [Aside] By heavens, she'll discover herself.

HORNER

702I speak of your sister, sir.

PINCHWIFE

703Ay, but saying she was handsome, if like him, made him blush. – [Aside] I am upon a wrack!

HORNER

704Methinks he is so handsome he should not be a man.

PINCHWIFE

705(aside) Oh there, 'tis out, he has discovered her! I am not able to suffer any longer. [To his wife] Come, come away, I say.

HORNER

706Nay, by your leave, sir, he shall not go yet. –

[To them] Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous rogue a little.

HARCOURT and DORILANT

707How?

HORNER

708I'll shew you.

PINCHWIFE

709Come, pray let him go, I cannot stay fooling any longer. I tell you his sister stays supper for us.

HORNER

710Does she? Come then we'll all go sup with her and thee.

PINCHWIFE

711No, now I think on't, having stayed so long for us, I warrant she's gone to bed. – [Aside] I wish she and I were well out of their hands. – Come, I must rise early tomorrow, come.

HORNER

712Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. Buy pray, young gentleman, present my humble service to her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

713Thank you heartily, sir.

PINCHWIFE

714[aside] S'death, she will discover herself yet in spite of me. – He is something more civil to you for your kindness to his sister than I am, it seems.

HORNER

715Tell her, dear sweet little gentleman for all your brother there, that you have revived the love I had for her at first sight in the playhouse.

MRS PINCHWIFE

716But did you love her indeed, and indeed?

PINCHWIFE

717[aside] So, so. – Away, I say.

HORNER

718Nay, stay. Yes indeed, and indeed, pray do you tell her so, and give her this kiss for me.

[Kisses her.]

PINCHWIFE

719[aside] O heavens! What do I suffer! Now 'tis too plain he knows her, and yet –

HORNER

720And this, and this –

[Kisses her again]

MRS PINCHWIFE

721What do you kiss me for? I am no woman.

PINCHWIFE

722[aside] So – there, 'tis out. Come, I cannot, nor will stay any longer.

HORNER

723Nay, they shall send you lady a kiss too. Here Harcourt, Dorilant, will you not?

[They kiss her.]

PINCHWIFE

724[aside] How do I suffer this? Was I not accusing another just now for this rascally patience, in permitting his wife to be kissed before his face? Ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips! – Come, come.

HORNER

725Good night, dear little gentleman. Madam, good night. Farewell Pinchwife. [Apart to Harcourt and Dorilant] Did not I tell you I would raise his jealous gall?

Exeunt HORNER, HARCOURT, And DORILANT.

PINCHWIFE

726So, they are gone at last. Stay, let me see first if the coach be at this door.

[Exit.]

Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant return.

HORNER

727What, not gone yet? Will you be sure to do as I desired you, sweet sir?

MRS PINCHWIFE

728Sweet sir, but what will you give me then?

HORNER

729Anything; come away into the next walk.

Exit Horner, haling away Mrs Pinchwife.

ALITHEA

730Hold, hold! What d'ye do?

LUCY

731Stay, stay, hold –

HARCOURT

732Hold, madam, hold! Let him present him, he'll come presently. Nay, I will never let you go till you answer my question.

LUCY

733For God's sake, sir, I must follow 'em.

DORILANT

734No, I have something to present you with too, you san't follow them.

Alithea, Lucy, struggling with Harcourt and Dorilant.

Pinchwife returns.

PINCHWIFE

735Where? – how? – what's become of – gone! – whiter?

LUCY

736He's only gone with the gentleman, who will give him something, an't please your worship.

PINCHWIFE

737Something! – give him something, with a pox! Where are they?

ALITHEA

738In the next walk only, brother.

PINCHWIFE

739Only, only! Where, where?

Exit Pinchwife, and returns presently, then goes out again.

HARCOURT

740What's the matter with him? Why so much concerned? But dearest madam –

ALITHEA

741Pray let me go, sir, I have said and suffered enough already.

HARCOURT

742Then you will not look upon, not pity my sufferings?

ALITHEA

743To look upon 'em when I cannot help 'em, were cruelty, not pity; therefore I will never see you more.

HARCOURT

744Let me then, madam, have my privilege of a banished lover, complaining or railing, and giving you but a farewell reason why, if you cannot condescend to marry me, you should not take that wretch my rival.

ALITHEA

745He only, not you, since my honour is engaged so far to him, can give a reason why I should not marry him; but if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him. Your servant, sir.

HARCOURT

746Have women only constancy when 'tis a vice, and like fortune only true to fools?

DORILANT

747 [To Lucy, who struggles to get from him] Thou shalt not stir, thou robust creature. You see I can deal with you, therefore you should stay the rather, and be kind.

Enter Pinchwife.

PINCHWIFE

748Gone, gone, not to be found! Quite gone! Ten thousand plagues go with 'em! Which way went they?

ALITHEA

749But into t'other walk, brother.

LUCY

750Their business will be done presently, sure, an't please your worship; it can't be long in doing, I'm sure on't.

ALITHEA

751Are they not there?

PINCHWIFE

752No, you know where they are, you infamous wretch, eternal shame of your family, which you do not dishonour enough yourself, you think, but you must help her to do it too, thou legion of bawds!

ALITHEA

753Good brother –

PINCHWIFE

754Damned, damned sister!

ALITHEA

755Look you here, she's coming.

Enter Mrs Pinchwife in man's clothes, running with her hat under her arm, full of oranges and dried fruit, Horner following.

MRS PINCHWIFE

756O dear bud, look you here what I have got, see!

PINCHWIFE

757[aside, rubbing his forehead] And what I have got here, too, which you can't see.

MRS PINCHWIFE

758The fine gentleman has given me better things yet.

PINCHWIFE

759Has he so? – [Aside] Out of breath and coloured! I must hold yet.

HORNER

760I have only given your little brother an orange, sir.

PINCHWIFE

761 [to Horner] Thank you, sir. [Aside] You have only squeezed my orange, I suppose, and given it me again; yet I must have a city patience. [To his wife] Come, come away.

MRS PINCHWIFE

762Stay till I have put up my fine things, bud.

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget.

SIR JASPER

763O Master Horner, come, come, the ladies stay for you. Your mistress, my wife, wonders you make not more haste to her.

HORNER

764I have stayed this half hour for you here, and 'tis your fault I am not now with your wife.

SIR JASPER

765But pray, don't let her know so much. The truth on't is, I was advancing a certain project to his Majesty, about – I'll tell you.

HORNER

766No, let's go, and hear it at your house. – Good night, sweet little gentleman. One kiss more; you'll remember me now, I hope.

[Kisses her.]

DORILANT

767What, Sir Jasper, will you separate friends? He promised to sup with us; and if you take him to your house, you'll be in danger of our company too.

SIR JASPER

768Alas, gentleman, my house is not fit for you. There are none but civil women there, which are not for your turn. He, you know, can bear with the society of civil women now, ha, ha, ha! Besides, he's one of my family – he's – heh, heh, heh!

DORILANT

769What is he?

SIR JASPER

770Faith, my eunuch, since you'll have it, heh, he, he!

Exit Sir Jasper Fidget and Horner.

DORILANT

771I rather wish thou wert his, or my cuckold. Harcourt, what a good cuckold is lost there for want of a man to make him one! Thee and I cannot have Horner's privilege, who can make use of it.

HARCOURT

772Ay, to poor Horner 'tis like coming to an estate at three-score, when a man can't be the better for 't.

PINCHWIFE

773Come.

MRS PINCHWIFE

774Presently, bud.

DORILANT

775Come, let us go too. [To Alithea] Madam, your servant. [To Lucy] Good night, strapper.

HARCOURT

776Madam, though you will not let me have a good day or night, I wish you one; but dare not name the other half of my wish.

ALITHEA

777Good night, sir, for ever.

MRS PINCHWIFE

778I don't know where to put this here, dear bud, you shall eat it. Nay, you shall have part of the fine gentleman's good things, or treat as you call it, when we come home.

PINCHWIFE

779Indeed I deserve it, since I furnished the best part of it.

[Strikes away the orange.]

The gallant treats, presents, and gives the ball;

But 'tis the absent cuckold pays for all.

Exeunt.

ACT FOUR

SCENE ONE

In Pinchwife's house in the morning.

Lucy, Alithea dressed in new clothes.

LUCY

780Well madam, now have I dressed you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence and pulvilio; and all this for no other purpose but as people adorn and perfume a corpse for a stinking second-hand grave; such or as bad I think Master Sparkish's bed.

ALITHEA

781Hold your peace!

LUCY

782Nay, madam, I will ask you the reason why you would banish poor Master Harcourt for ever from your sight. How could you be so hard-hearted?

ALITHEA

783'Twas because I was not hard-hearted.

LUCY

784No, no. 'Twas stark love and kindness, I warrant.

ALITHEA

785It was so. I would see him no more because I love him.

LUCY

786Hey-day, a very pretty reason!

ALITHEA

787You do not understand me.

LUCY

788I wish you may yourself.

ALITHEA

789I was engaged to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive or injure.

LUCY

790Can there be a greater cheat or wrong done to a man than to give him your person without your heart? I should make a conscience of it.

ALITHEA

791I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a-while.

LUCY

792The woman that marries to love better will be as much mistaken as the wencher that marries to live better. No, madam, marrying to increase love is like gaming to become rich; alas, you only lose what little stock you had before.

ALITHEA

793I find by your rhetoric you have been bribed to betray me.

LUCY

794Only by his merit, that has bribed your heart, you see, against your word and rigid honour. But what a divel is this honour? 'Tis sure a disease in the head, like the megrim, or falling sickness, that always hurries people away to do themselves mischief. Men lose their lives by it; women what's dearer to 'em, their love, the life of life.

ALITHEA

795Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Master Harcourt. I wish the other would come to secure my fidelity to him, and his right in me.

LUCY

796You will marry him then?

ALITHEA

797Certainly. I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good, when he comes.

LUCY

798Well, I wish I may never stick pin more if he be not an arrant natural to t'other fine gentleman.

ALITHEA

799I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal, for another want he has, which is want of jealousy, which men of wit seldom want.

LUCY

800Lord, madam, what should you do with a fool to your husband? You intend to be honest, don't you? Then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you.

ALITHEA

801He only that could suspect my virtue should have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth that obliges me to be so faithful to him.

LUCY

802You are not sure his opinion may last.

ALITHEA

803I am satisfied 'tis impossible for him to be jealous after the proofs I have had of him. Jealousy in a husband – heaven defend me from it! It begets a thousand plagues to a poor woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and her –

LUCY

804And her pleasure.

ALITHEA

805What d'ye mean, impertinent?

LUCY

806Liberty is a great pleasure, madam.

ALITHEA

807I say loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this town. That is, she is sent into the country, which is the last ill usage of a husband to a wife, I think.

LUCY

808[aside] Oh, does the wind lie there? – Then of necessity, madam, you think a man must carry his wife into the country, if he be wise. The country is as terrible, I find, to our young English ladies as a monastery to those abroad. And on my virginity, I think they would rather marry a London gaoler than a High Sheriff of a country, since neither can stir from his employment. Formerly women of wit married fools for a great estate, a fine seat, or the like; but now 'tis for a pretty seat only in Lincoln's Inn fields, St James's fields, or the Pall Mall.

Enter to them Sparkish, and Harcourt dressed like a parson.

SPARKISH

809Madam, your humble servant, a happy day to you, and to us all.

HARCOURT

810Amen.

ALITHEA

811Who have we here?

SPARKISH

812My chaplain, faith. O madam, poor Harcourt remembers his humble service to you; and in obedience to your last commands, refrains coming into your sight.

ALITHEA

813Is not that he?

SPARKISH

814No, fie, no; but to shew that he ne'er intended to hinder our match, has sent his brother here to join our hands. When I get me a wife, I must get her a chaplain, according to the custom; this is his brother, and my chaplain.

ALITHEA

815His brother?

LUCY

816[aside] And your chaplain, to preach in your pulpit then.

ALITHEA

817His brother!

SPARKISH

818Nay, I knew you would not believe it. – I told you, sir, she would take you for your brother Frank.

ALITHEA

819Believe it!

LUCY

820[aside] His brother! Hah, ha, he! He has a trick left still, it seems.

SPARKISH

821Come, my dearest, pray let us go to church before the canonical hour is past.

ALITHEA

822For shame, you are abused still.

SPARKISH

823By the world, 'tis strange now you are so incredulous.

ALITHEA

824'Tis strange you are so credulous.

SPARKISH

825Dearest of my life, hear me. I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world; you see he has a sneaking college look. 'Tis true he's something like his brother Frank, and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were twins.

LUCY

826Hah, ha, he!

ALITHEA

827Your servant, sir, I cannot be so deceived, though you are. But come, let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently?

SPARKISH

828Why, I'll tell you all. Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning, to wish me joy and present his service to you, I asked him if he could help me to a parson; whereupon he told me he had a brother in town who was in orders, and he went straight away and sent him you see there to me.

ALITHEA

829Yes, Frank goes and puts on a black-coat, then tells you he is Ned. That's all you have for't.

SPARKISH

830Pshaw, pshaw! I tell you by the same token the midwife put her garter about Frank's neck to know 'em asunder, they were so like.

ALITHEA

831Frank tells you this too.

SPARKISH

832Ay, and Ned there too; nay, they are both in a story.

ALITHEA

833So, so. Very foolish!

SPARKISH

834Lord if you won't believe one, you had best try him by your chambermaid there, for chambermaids must needs know chaplains from other men, they are so used to 'em.

LUCY

835Let's see. Nay, I'll be sworn he has the canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a chaplain.

ALITHEA

836Well, most reverend doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling.

HARCOURT

837With all my soul, divine, heavenly creature, when you please.

ALITHEA

838He speaks like a chaplain indeed.

SPARKISH

839Why, was there not 'soul', 'divine', 'heavenly', in what he said?

ALITHEA

840Once more, most impertinent black-coat, cease your persecution, and let us have a conclusion of this ridiculous love.

HARCOURT

841[aside] I had forgot. I must suit my style to my coat, or I wear it in vain.

ALITHEA

842I have no more patience left. Let us make once an end of this troublesome love, I say.

HARCOURT

843So be it, seraphic lady, when your honour shall think it meet and convenient so to do.

SPARKISH

844Gad, I'm sure none but a chaplain could speak so, I think.

ALITHEA

845Let me tell you, sir, this dull trick will not serve your turn; though you delay our marriage, you shall not hinder it.

HARCOURT

846Far be it from me, munificent patroness, to delay your marriage. I desire nothing more than to marry you presently, which I might do, if you yourself would; for my noble, good-natured and thrice-generous patron here would not hinder it.

SPARKISH

847No, poor man, not I, faith.

HARCOURT

848And now, madam, let me tell you plainly, nobody else shall marry you. By heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I should die after it.

LUCY

849(aside) How his love has made him forget his function, as I have seen it in real parsons.

ALITHEA

850That was spoken like a chaplain too. – Now you understand him, I hope.

SPARKISH

851Poor man, he takes it heinously to be refused. I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be suffered. But you'll pardon me madam, it shan't be; he shall marry us. Come away, pray, madam.

LUCY

852Hah, ha, he! More ado! 'Tis late.

ALITHEA

853Invincible stupidity! I tell you he would marry me as your rival, not as your chaplain.

SPARKISH

854 [pulling her away] Come, come, madam.

LUCY

855I pray madam, do not refuse this reverend divine the honour and satisfaction of marrying you; for I dare say he has set his heart upon't, good doctor.

ALITHEA

856 (to Harcourt) What can you hope or design by this?

HARCOURT

857(aside) I could answer her, a reprieve for a day only often revokes a hasty doom. At worst, if she will not take mercy on me and let me marry her, I have at least the lover's second pleasure, hind'ring my rival's enjoyment, though but for a time.

SPARKISH

858Come, madam, 'tis e'en twelve a clock, and my mother charged me never to be married out of the canonical hours. Come, come, Lord, here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant, the first day.

LUCY

859Yes, an't please your worship, married women shew all their modesty the first day, because married men shew all their love the first day.

Exeunt Sparkish, Alithea, Harcourt, and Lucy.

SCENE TWO

The scene changes to a bedchamber, where appear Pinchwife, Mrs Pinchwife.

PINCHWIFE

860Come, tell me, I say.

MRS PINCHWIFE

861Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over?

PINCHWIFE

862[aside] I would try if, in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I could find her altering it in the least circumstance, for if her story be false, she is so too. – Come, how was't, baggage?

MRS PINCHWIFE

863Lord, what pleasure you take to hear it, sure!

PINCHWIFE

864No, you take more in telling it I find. But speak, how was't?

MRS PINCHWIFE

865He carried me up into the house next to the Exchange.

PINCHWIFE

866So; and you two were only in the room?

MRS PINCHWIFE

867Yes, for he sent away a youth that was there for some dried fruit and China oranges.

PINCHWIFE

868Did he so? Damn him for it – and for –

MRS PINCHWIFE

869But presently came up the gentlewoman of the house.

PINCHWIFE

870Oh, 'twas well she said. But what did he do whilst the fruit came?

MRS PINCHWIFE

871He kissed me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he kissed my fine sister, meaning me you know, whom he said he loved with all his soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window by eleven of the clock this morning, and he would walk under it at that time.

PINCHWIFE

872[aside] And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox reward him for't.

MRS PINCHWIFE

873Well, and he said if you were not within, he would come up to her, meaning me you kow, bud, still.

PINCHWIFE

874So. – [Aside] He knew her certainly, but for this confession, I am obliged to her simplicity. – But what, you stood very still when he kissed you?

MRS PINCHWIFE

875Yes, I warrant you; would you have had me discovered myself?

PINCHWIFE

876But you told me he did some beastliness to you, as you called it. What was't?

MRS PINCHWIFE

877Why, he put –

PINCHWIFE

878What?

MRS PINCHWIFE

879Why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and so musled me. And I said I'd bite it.

PINCHWIFE

880An eternal canker seize it, for a dog!

MRS PINCHWIFE

881Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew.

PINCHWIFE

882The devil! – You were satisfied with it then, and would do it again?

MRS PINCHWIFE

883Not unless he should force me.

PINCHWIFE

884Force you, changeling! I tell you no woman can be forced.

MRS PINCHWIFE

885Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly strong man. 'Tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him.

PINCHWIFE

886(aside) So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me; but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me, and love for him, and that love instruct her how to deceive me, and satisfy him, all idiot as she is. Love! 'Twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding. Out of nature's hands they came plain, open, silly and fit for slaves, as she and Heaven intended 'em; but damned love – well, I must strangle that little monster whilst I can deal with him. (To her) Go, fetch pen, ink and paper out of the next room.

MRS PINCHWIFE

887Yes bud.

[Exit Mrs Pinchwife.]

PINCHWIFE

888[aside] Why should women have more invention in love than men? It can only be because they have more desires, more soliciting passions, more lust, and more of the devil. Mrs Pinchwife returns. Come, minx, sit down and write.

MRS PINCHWIFE

889Ay, dear bud, but I can't do't very well.

PINCHWIFE

890I wish you could not at all.

MRS PINCHWIFE

891But what should I write for?

PINCHWIFE

892I'll have you write a letter to your lover.

MRS PINCHWIFE

893O Lord, to the fine gentleman, a letter!

PINCHWIFE

894Yes, to the fine gentleman.

MRS PINCHWIFE

895Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest.

PINCHWIFE

896I am not so merry. Come, write as I bid you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

897What, do you think I am a fool?

PINCHWIFE

898[aside] She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling. – But you had best begin.

MRS PINCHWIFE

899Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't.

PINCHWIFE

900Why?

MRS PINCHWIFE

901Because he's in town; you may send for him if you will.

PINCHWIFE

902Very well, you would have him brought to you. Is it come to this? I say take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

903Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that letters are never writ but from the country to London, and from London into the country? Now he's in town, and I am in town too; therefore I can't write to him, you know.

PINCHWIFE

904[aside] So; I am glad it is no worse, she is innocent enough, yet – Yes, you may, when your husband bids you, write letters to people that are in town.

MRS PINCHWIFE

905Oh, may I so? Then I'm satisfied.

PINCHWIFE

906Come, begin. [Dictates] 'Sir' –

MRS PINCHWIFE

907Shan't I say, 'Dear Sir'? – You know one says always something more than bare 'Sir'.

PINCHWIFE

908Write as I bid you, or I will write whore with this penknife in your face.

MRS PINCHWIFE

909Nay, good bud. [She writes] 'Sir' –

PINCHWIFE

910'Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embraces.' – Write.

MRS PINCHWIFE

911Nay, why should I say so? You know I told you he had a sweet breath.

PINCHWIFE

912Write!

MRS PINCHWIFE

913Let me but put out 'loathed'.

PINCHWIFE

914Write, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

915Well then.

[Writes.]

PINCHWIFE

916Let's see what have you writ. [Takes the paper, and reads.] 'Though I suffered last night your kisses and embraces'. – Thou impudent creature, where is 'nauseous' and 'loathed'?

MRS PINCHWIFE

917I can't abide to write such filthy words.

PINCHWIFE

918Once more, write as I'd have you and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this. [Holds up the penknife.] I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief.

MRS PINCHWIFE

919O Lord, I will!

PINCHWIFE

920So – so. – Let's see now! [Reads] 'Though I suffered last night your nauseous, loathed kisses and embraces' – go on – 'yet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them.' – So.

She writes.

MRS PINCHWIFE

921I have writ it.

PINCHWIFE

922On then, - 'I then concealed myself from your knowledge to avoid your insolencies' –

She writes.

MRS PINCHWIFE

923So –

PINCHWIFE

924'The same reason, now I am out of your hands' –

She writes.

MRS PINCHWIFE

925So –

PINCHWIFE

926'Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolick, of being in man's clothes.'

She writes.

MRS PINCHWIFE

927So –

PINCHWIFE

928'That you may for ever more cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you' –

She writes on.

MRS PINCHWIFE

929So – h –

[Sighs.]

PINCHWIFE

930What, do you sigh? – 'detests you – as much as she loves her husband and her honour'.

MRS PINCHWIFE

931I vow, husband, he'll ne'er believe I should write such a letter.

PINCHWIFE

932What, he'd expect a kinder from you? Come now, your name only.

MRS PINCHWIFE

933What, shan't I say 'Your most faithful, humble servant till death'?

PINCHWIFE

934No, tormenting fiend! – [Aside] Her style, I find, would be very soft. – Come, wrap it up now, whilst I go fetch wax and a candle; and write on the back side, 'For Mr Horner'.

Exit Pinchwife.

MRS PINCHWIFE

935'For Mr Horner'. – So, I am glad he has told me his name. Dear Mr Horner! But why should I send thee such a letter that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me? – Well, I will not send it. – Ay, but then my husband will kill me, for I see plainly he won't let me love Mr Horner – but what care I for my husband? – I won't, so I won't, send poor Mr Horner such a letter – but then my husband – But oh – what if I writ at bottom my husband made me write it? – Ay, but then my husband would see't. – Can one have no shift? Ah, a London woman would have had a hundred presently. Stay – what if I should write a letter, and wrap it up like this, and write on't too? Ay, but then my husband would see't. – I don't know what to do. – But yet y'vads, I'll try, so I will – for I will not send this letter to poor Mr Horner, come what will on't. [She writes, and repeats what she hath writ.] 'Dear, sweet Mr Horner' – so – 'my husband would have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly letter – but I won't – so – 'and would have me forbid you loving me – but I won't' – so – 'and would have me say to you I hate you, poor Mr Horner – but I won't tell a lie for him' – there – 'for I'm sure if you and I were in the country at cards together', – so – 'I could not help treading on your toe under the table' – so – 'or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face till you saw me' – very well – 'and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together' – so – 'but I must make haste before my husband come; and now he has taught me to write letters, you shall have longer ones from me, who am Dear, dear, poor dear Mr Horner, your most humble friend, and servant to command 'till death, Margery Pinchwife.' Stay, I must give him a hint at bottom – so – now wrap it up just like t'other – so – now write 'For Mr Horner'. – But oh now what shall I do with it? For here comes my husband.

Enter Pinchwife.

PINCHWIFE

936[aside] I have been detained by a sparkish coxcomb who pretended a visit to me; but I fear 'twas to my wife. – What, have you done?

MRS PINCHWIFE

937Ay, ay bud, just now.

PINCHWIFE

938Let's see. What d'ye tremble for? What, you would not have it go?

MRS PINCHWIFE

939Here. – [Aside] No, I must not give him that; so I had been served if I had given him this.

PINCHWIFE

940 [he opens, and reads the first letter] Come, where's the wax and seal?

MRS PINCHWIFE

941[aside] Lord, what shall I do now? Nay then I have it. – Pray let me see't. Lord you think me so arrant a fool I cannot seal a letter; I will do't, so I will.

Snatches the letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him.

PINCHWIFE

942Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I would not have you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

943So, han't I done it curiously? [Aside] I think I have; there's my letter going to Mr Horner; since he'll needs have me send letters to folks.

PINCHWIFE

944'Tis very well, but I warrant you would not have it go now?

MRS PINCHWIFE

945Yes indeed, but I would, bud – now.

PINCHWIFE

946Well, you are a good girl then. Come, let me lock you up in your chamber till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window when I am gone, for I have a spy in the street. Exit Mrs Pinchwife. Pinchwife locks the door. At least, 'tis fit she think so. If we do not cheat women, they'll cheat us; and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a frontier town, must provide against treachery rather than open force. Now I have secured all within, I'll deal with the foe without with false intelligence.

[Holds up the letter. Exit Pinchwife.]

SCENE THREE

The scene changes to Horner's lodging.

Quack and Horner.

QUACK

947Well sir, how fadges the new design? Have you not the luck of all your brother projectors, to deceive only yourself at last?

HORNER

948No, good domine doctor, I deceive you it seems, and others too; for the grave matrons and old rigid husbands think me as unfit for love as they are; but their wives, sisters and daughters know, some of 'em, better things already.

QUACK

949Already!

HORNER

950Already, I say. Last night I was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons, as you call 'em, and people of honour, and so was made free of their society and dressing-rooms for ever hereafter; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their pallets, warming smocks, tying shoes and garters and the like, doctor – already, already doctor.

QUACK

951You have made use of your time, sir.

HORNER

952I tell thee, I am now no more interruption to 'em, when they sing or talk bawdy, than a little squab French page, who speaks no English.

QUACK

953But do civil persons and women of honour drink and sing bawdy songs?

HORNER

954Oh, amongst friends, amongst friends. For your bigots in honour are just like those in religion; they fear the eye of the world more than the eye of Heaven; and think there is no virtue but railing at vice, and no sin but giving scandal. They rail at a poor little kept player, and keep themselves some young, modest, pulpit comedian to be privy to their sins in their closets, not to tell 'em of them in their chapels.

QUACK

955Nay, the truth on't is, priests amongst the women now have quite got the better of us lay confessors, physicians.

HORNER

956And they are rather their patients, but – Enter My Lady Fidget, looking about her. Now we talk of women of honour, here comes one. Step behind the screen there, and but observe if I have not particular privileges with the women of reputation already, doctor, already.

(Quack hides behind screen.)

LADY FIDGET

957Well, Horner, am not I a woman of honour? You see, I'm as good as my word.

HORNER

958And you shall see madam, I'll not be behindhand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room.

LADY FIDGET

959But first, my dear sir, you must promise to have care of my dear honour.

HORNER

960If you talk a word more of your honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it. To talk of honour in the mysteries of love is like talking of Heaven or the Deity in an operation of witchcraft, just when you are employing the devil; it makes the charm impotent.

LADY FIDGET

961Nay, fie, let us not be smooty. But you talk of mysteries and bewitching to me; I don't understand you.

HORNER

962I tell you madam, the word 'money' in a mistress's mouth at such a nick of time is not a more disheart'ning sound to a younger brother than of honour to an eager lover like myself.

LADY FIDGET

963But you can't blame a lady of my reputation to be chary.

HORNER

964Chary! I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caused of myself.

LADY FIDGET

965Ay, but if you should ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out. Nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious – oh 'tis a wicked, censorious world, Mr Horner! – I say, are so censorious and detracting that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my honour, though you should not let them know the dear secret.

HORNER

966Nay, madam, rather than they shall prejudice your honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and to serve you, I'll lie with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it. I am a Machiavel in love, madam.

LADY FIDGET

967Oh no sir, not that way!

HORNER

968Nay, the devil take me if censorious women are to be silenced any other way.

LADY FIDGET

969A secret is better kept, I hope, by a single person than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust anybody else with it, dear, dear Mr Horner.

[Embracing him.]

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget.

SIR JASPER

970How now!

LADY FIDGET

971[aside] O my husband – prevented – and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man – that will appear too much – what shall I say? – Sir Jasper come hither. I am trying if Mr Horner were ticklish, and he's as ticklish as can be. I love to torment the confounded toad; let you and I tickle him.

SIR JASPER

972No, your ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose. But is this your buying china? I thought you had been at the china house.

HORNER

973[aside] China house, that's my cue, I must take it. – A pox! Can't you keep your impertinent wives at home? Some men are troubled with the husbands, but I with the wives. But I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your journeyman by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about and be your man of straw, or scarecrow, only to pies and jays that would be nibbling at your forbidden fruit. I shall be shortly the hackney gentleman-usher of the town.

SIR JASPER

974[aside] Heh, heh, he! Poor fellow, he's in the right on't, faith. To squire women about for other folks is as ungrateful an employment as to tell money for other folks. – Heh, he, he! Be't angry, Horner.

LADY FIDGET

975No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin myself upon such ill-bred people of your acquaintance as this is.

SIR JASPER

976Nay, prithee, what has he done?

LADY FIDGET

977Nay, he has done nothing.

SIR JASPER

978But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing?

LADY FIDGET

979Hah, hah, hah! Faith, I can't but laugh however. Why d'ye think the unmannerly toad would not come down to me to the coach? I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I was resolved not to do; for he knows china very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it lest I should beg some. But I will find it out, and have what I came for yet.

Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door, followed by Horner to the door.

HORNER

980[apart to Lady Fidget] Lock the door, madam. (Aloud) So, she has got into my chamber, and locked me out. Oh, the impertinency of woman-kind! Well, Sir Jasper, plain dealing is a jewel; if ever you suffer your wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of horns, by my Lord Mayor she shall; though I cannot furnish you myself, you are sure, yet I'll find a way.

SIR JASPER

981[aside] Hah, ha, he! At my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly. – Heh, he, he! Poor Horner.

HORNER

982Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn ere long. Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their monkeys, and to me almost as ugly! Now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it –

SIR JASPER

983Hah, ha, ha! Poor angry Horner.

HORNER

984Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant.

Exit Horner at t'other door.

[Sir Jasper calls through the door to his wife, she answers from within]

SIR JASPER

985Wife! My Lady Fidget! Wife! He is coming into you the back way.

LADY FIDGET

986Let him come, and welcome, which way he will.

SIR JASPER

987He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you.

LADY FIDGET

988Don't you trouble yourself, let him if he can.

QUACK

989 [behind] This indeed, I could not have believed from him, nor any but my own eyes.

Enter Mrs Squeamish.

MRS SQUEAMISH

990Where's this woman-hater, this toad, this ugly, greasy, dirty sloven?

SIR JASPER

991[aside] So, the women all will have him ugly. Methinks he is a comely person, but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em. And 'tis e'en as my wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome eunuch was as ridiculous a thing as a gigantic coward.

MRS SQUEAMISH

992Sir Jasper, your servant. Where is the odious beast?

SIR JASPER

993He's within in his chamber, with my wife. She's playing the wag with him.

MRS SQUEAMISH

994Is she so? And he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you. Come, let's go help her. – What, the door's locked?

SIR JASPER

995Ay, my wife locked it –

MRS SQUEAMISH

996Did she so? Let us break it open then.

SIR JASPER

997No, no, he'll do her no hurt.

MRS SQUEAMISH

998No. – [Aside] But is there no other way to get into 'em? Whither goes this? I will disturb 'em.

Exit Mrs Squeamish at another door.

Enter Old Lady Squeamish.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

999Where is this harlotry, this impudent baggage, this rambling tomrigg? O Sir Jasper, I'm glad to see you here. Did you not see my vild grandchild come in hither just now?

SIR JASPER

1000Yes.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1001Ay, but where is she then? Where is she? Lord, Sir Jasper, I have e'en rattled myself to pieces in pursuit of her. But can you tell what she makes here? They say below, no woman lodges here.

SIR JASPER

1002No.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1003No! What does she here then? Say, if it be not a woman's lodging, what makes she here? But are you sure no woman lodges here?

SIR JASPER

1004No, nor no man neither. This is Mr Horner's lodging.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1005Is it so? Are you sure?

SIR JASPER

1006Yes, yes.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1007So; then there's no hurt in't, I hope. But where is he?

SIR JASPER

1008He's in the next room with my wife.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1009Nay, if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy. They say he's a merry harmless man now, e'en as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmless company for a lady, as a snake without his teeth.

SIR JASPER

1010Ay, ay, poor man.

Enter Mrs Squeamish.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1011I can't find 'em. – Oh, are you here grandmother? I followed, you must know, My Lady Fidget hither; 'tis the prettiest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettiest pictures.

Enter Lady Fidget with a piece of china in her hand, and Horner following.

LADY FIDGET

1012And I have been toiling and moiling for the prettiest piece of china, my dear.

HORNER

1013Nay, she has been too hard for me, do what I could.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1014O Lord, I'll have some china too, good Mr Horner. Don't think to give other people china, and me none. Come in with me too.

HORNER

1015Upon my honour, I have none left now.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1016Nay, nay, I have known you deny your china before now, but you shan't put me off so. Come –

HORNER

1017This lady had the last there.

LADY FIDGET

1018Yes indeed, madam, to my certain knowledge he has no more left.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1019Oh, but it may be he may have some you could not find.

LADY FIDGET

1020What? D'ye think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too? For we women of quality never think we have china enough.

HORNER

1021Do not take it ill, I cannot make china for you all, but I will have a roll-wagon for you too another time.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1022Thank you, dear toad.

LADY FIDGET

1023[to Horner, aside] What do you mean by that promise?

HORNER

1024[apart to Lady Fidget] Alas, she has an innocent, literal understanding.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1025Poor Mr Horner, he has enough to do to please you all, I see.

HORNER

1026Ay, madam, you see how they use me.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1027Poor gentleman, I pity you.

HORNER

1028I thank you madam, I could never find pity, but from such reverend ladies as you are; the young ones will never spare a man.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1029Come come, beast, and go dine with us, for we shall want a man at hombre after dinner.

HORNER

1030That's all their use of me madam, you see.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1031Come sloven, I'll lead you to be sure of you.

[Pulls him by the cravat.]

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1032Alas, poor man, how she tugs him! Kiss, kiss her, that's the way to make such nice women quiet.

HORNER

1033No madam, that remedy is worse than the torment. They know I dare suffer anything rather than do it.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1034Prithee kiss her, and I'll give you her picture in little that you admired so last night; prithee do.

HORNER

1035Well, nothing but that could bribe me; I love a woman only in effigy, and good painting as much as I hate them. I'll do't, for I could adore the devil well painted.

[Kisses Mrs Squeamish.]

MRS SQUEAMISH

1036Foh, you filthy toad! Nay, now I've done jesting.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1037Ha, ha, ha! I told you so.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1038Foh! A kiss of his –

SIR JASPER

1039Has no more hurt in't than one of my spaniel's.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1040Nor no more good neither.

QUACK

1041 [behind] I will now believe anything he tells me.

Enter Mr Pinchwife.

LADY FIDGET

1042O Lord, here's a man! Sir Jasper, my mask, my mask! I would not be seen here for the world.

SIR JASPER

1043What, not when I am with you?

LADY FIDGET

1044No, no, my honour – let's be gone.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1045Oh, grandmother, let us be gone, make haste, make haste, I know not how he may censure us.

LADY FIDGET

1046Be found in the lodging of anything like a man! Away!

Exeunt Sir Jasper, Lady Fidget, Old Lady Squeamish, Mrs Squeamish.

QUACK

1047 [behind] What's here? Another cuckold? He looks like one, and none else, sure, have any business with him.

HORNER

1048Well, what brings my dear friend hither?

PINCHWIFE

1049Your impertinency –

HORNER

1050My impertinency? Why, you gentleman that have got handsome wives think you have a privilege of saying anything to your friends, and are as brutish as if you were our creditors.

PINCHWIFE

1051No sir, I'll ne'er trust you any way.

HORNER

1052But why not dear Jack? Why diffide in me thou know'st so well?

PINCHWIFE

1053Because I do know you so well.

HORNER

1054Han't I been always thy friend, honest Jack? Always ready to serve thee, in love, or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still?

PINCHWIFE

1055I believe so; you would be my second now, indeed.

HORNER

1056Well then, dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me? Come, prithee kiss me, dear rogue. Gad, I was always I say, and am still as much thy servant as –

PINCHWIFE

1057As I am yours, sir. What, you would send a kiss to my wife, is that it?

HORNER

1058So, there 'tis – a man can't shew his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you. Prithee, let thy wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont. What, thou art as shy of my kindness as a Lumbard Street alderman of a courtier's civility at Locket's.

PINCHWIFE

1059But you are overkind to me, as kind as if I were your cuckold already. Yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you as to bring you this. Look you there, sir.

[Delivers him a letter.]

HORNER

1060What is't?

PINCHWIFE

1061Only a love letter sir.

HORNER

1062From whom? – how! This is from your wife! – hum – and – hum –

[Reads.]

PINCHWIFE

1063Even from my wife sir. Am I not wondrous kind and civil to you now too? – [Aside] But you'll not think her so.

HORNER

1064[aside] Ha! Is this a trick of his or hers?

PINCHWIFE

1065The gentleman's surprised I find. What, you expected a kinder letter?

HORNER

1066No faith, not I, how could I?

PINCHWIFE

1067Yes yes, I'm sure you did. A man so well made as you are must needs be disappointed if the woman declare not their passion at first sight or opportunity.

HORNER

1068But what should this mean? Stay, the postscript. [Reads aside] 'Be sure you love me whatsoever my husband says to the contrary, and let him not see this, lest he should come home and pinch me, or kill my squirrel.' [Aside] It seems he knows not what the letter contains.

PINCHWIFE

1069Come, ne'er wonder at it so much.

HORNER

1070Faith, I can't help it.

PINCHWIFE

1071Now I think I have deserved your infinite friendship and kindness, and have shewed myself sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband. Am I not so, to bring a letter from my wife to her gallant?

HORNER

1072Ay, the devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world. Ha, ha!

PINCHWIFE

1073Well, you may be merry sir, but in short I must tell you, sir, my honour will suffer no jesting.

HORNER

1074What dost thou mean?

PINCHWIFE

1075Does the letter want a comment? The know sir, though I have been so civil a husband as to bring you a letter from my wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a cuckold sir, I will not.

HORNER

1076Thou art mad with jealousy. I never saw thy wife in my life but at the play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no. I court her, kiss her!

PINCHWIFE

1077I will not be a cuckold, I say. There will be danger in making me a cuckold.

HORNER

1078Why, wert thou not well cured of thy last clap?

PINCHWIFE

1079I wear a sword.

HORNER

1080It should be taken from thee, lest thou shouldst do thyself a mischief with it. Thou art mad, man.

PINCHWIFE

1081As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you ere we part. I say again, though you kissed and courted last night my wife in man's clothes, as she confesses in her letter –

HORNER

1082[aside] Ha!

PINCHWIFE

1083Both she and I say you must not design it again, for you have mistaken your woman, as you have done your man.

HORNER

1084[Aside] Oh – I understand something now. – Was that thy wife? Why wouldst thou not tell me 'twas she? Faith, my freedom with her was your fault, not mine.

PINCHWIFE

1085[aside] Faith, so 'twas.

HORNER

1086Fie! I'd never do't to a woman before her husband's face, sure.

PINCHWIFE

1087But I had rather you should do't to my wife before my face than behind my back, and that you shall never do.

HORNER

1088No – you will hinder me.

PINCHWIFE

1089If I would not hinder you, you see by her letter she would.

HORNER

1090Well, I must e'en acquiesce then, and be contented with what she writes.

PINCHWIFE

1091I'll assure you 'twas voluntarily writ. I had no hand in't, you may believe me.

HORNER

1092I do believe thee, faith.

PINCHWIFE

1093And believe her too, for she's an innocent creature, has no dissembling in her. And so fare you well, sir.

HORNER

1094Pray, however, present my humble service to her, and tell her I will obey her letter to a tittle, and fulfil her desires be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do't, and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you.

PINCHWIFE

1095Well then, fare you well, and play with any man's honour but mine, kiss any man's wife but mine, and welcome.

[Exit Mr Pinchwife.]

HORNER

1096Ha, ha, ha! Doctor.

QUACK

1097 [coming out] It seems he has not heard the report of you, or does not believe it.

HORNER

1098Ha, ha! Now, doctor, what think you?

QUACK

1099Pray let's see the letter [reads the letter] – hum – 'for – dear – love you' –

HORNER

1100I wonder how she could contrive it? What say'st thou to't? 'Tis an original.

QUACK

1101So are your cuckolds too, originals, for they are like no other common cuckolds; and I will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his guards of eunuchs, that I say.

HORNER

1102And I say for the letter, 'tis the first love letter that ever was without flames, darts, fates, destinies, lying and dissembling in't.

Enter Sparkish pulling in Mr Pinchwife.

SPARKISH

1103Come back, you are a pretty brother-in-law, neither go to church, nor to dinner with your sister bride!

PINCHWIFE

1104My sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfied.

SPARKISH

1105Pshaw! Upon a foolish scruple that our parson was not in lawful orders, and did not say all the Common Prayer; but 'tis her modesty only, I believe. But let women be never so modest the first day, they'll be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then. In the meantime, Harry Horner, you must dine with me. I keep my wedding at my aunt's in the Piazza.

HORNER

1106Thy wedding! What stale maid has lived to despair of a husband, or what young one of a gallant?

SPARKISH

1107Oh, your servant, sir – this gentleman's sister then – no stale maid.

HORNER

1108I'm sorry for't.

PINCHWIFE

1109How comes he so concerned for her?

SPARKISH

1110You sorry for't? Why, do you know any ill by her?

HORNER

1111No, I know none but by thee. 'Tis for her sake, not yours, and another man's sake that might have hoped, I thought.

SPARKISH

1112Another man, another man? What is his name?

HORNER

1113Nay, since 'tis past he shall be nameless. – [Aside] Poor Harcourt, I am sorry thou hast missed her.

PINCHWIFE

1114[aside] He seems to be much troubled at the match –

SPARKISH

1115Prithee tell me – nay, you shan't go, brother.

PINCHWIFE

1116I must of necessity, but I'll come to you to dinner.

[Exit Pinchwife.]

SPARKISH

1117But Harry, what, have I a rival in my wife already? But with all my heart, for he may be of use to me hereafter. For though my hunger is now my sauce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come when a rival will be as good sauce for a married man to a wife as an orange to veal.

HORNER

1118O thou damned rogue! Thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy orange.

SPARKISH

1119Then let's to dinner – there, I was with you again. Come.

HORNER

1120But who dines with thee?

SPARKISH

1121My friends and relations. My brother Pinchwife you see, of your acquaintance.

HORNER

1122And his wife?

SPARKISH

1123No gad, he'll ne'er let her come amongst us good fellows. Your stingy country coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends as he does his little firkin of ale for his own drinking, and a gentleman can't get a smack on't; but his servants, when his back is turned, broach it at their pleasures, and dust it away. Ha, ha, ha! Gad, I am witty, I think, considering I was married today, by the world. But come –

HORNER

1124No, I will not dine with you, unless you can fetch her too.

SPARKISH

1125Pshaw! What pleasure canst thou have with women now, Harry?

HORNER

1126My eyes are not gone; I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you unless she does too. Go fetch her therefore, but do not tell her husband 'tis for my sake.

SPARKISH

1127Well, I'll go try what I can do. In the meantime come away, to my aunt's lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwife's.

HORNER

1128(whispers to Quack) The poor woman has called for aid, and stretched forth her hand, doctor; I cannot but help her over the pale out of the briars.

Exeunt Sparkish, Horner, Quack.

SCENE FOUR

The scene changes to Pinchwife's house.

Mrs Pinchwife alone, leaning on her elbow. A table, pen, ink and paper.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1129Well, 'tis e'en so; I have got the London disease they call love. I am sick of my husband, and for my gallant. I have heard this distemper called a fever but methinks 'tis liker an ague, for when I think of my husband I tremble and am in a cold sweat and have inclinations to vomit; but when I think of my gallant, dear Mr Horner, my hot fit comes and I am all in a fever, indeed, and as in other fevers my own chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be removed to his, and then methinks I should be well. Ah, poor Mr Horner! Well, I cannot, will not stay here, therefore I'll make an end of my letter to him, which shall be a finer letter than my last, because I have studied it like anything; O sick, sick!

[Takes the pen and writes.]

Enter Mr Pinchwife who seeing her writing steals softly behind her, and looking over her shoulder, snatches the paper from her.

PINCHWIFE

1130What, writing more letters?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1131O lord bud, why d'ye fright me so?

[She offers to run out: he stops her and reads.]

PINCHWIFE

1132How's this? Nay, you shall not stir, madam. 'Dear, dear, dear, Mr Horner' – very well – I have taught you to write letters to good purpose – but let's see't. 'First, I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'd have you to know I would not have done, had not you said first you loved me so extremely, which if you do, you will never suffer me to lie in the arms of another man, whom I loathe, nauseate, and detest.' – Now you can write these filthy words. But what follows? – 'Therefore I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I assure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone. However, if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do, but you must help me away before tomorrow, or else, alas I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our' – 'our' – [the letter concludes] what is to follow 'our'? – Speak, what? Our journey into the country, I suppose? – Oh woman, damned woman, and love, damned love, their old tempter! For this is one of his miracles; in a moment he can make those blind that could see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before. Nay, what is more than all, make these dow-baked, senseless, indocile animals, women, too hard for us, their politic lords and rulers, in a moment. But make an end of your letter, and then I'll make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together.

[Draws his sword.]

MRS PINCHWIFE

1133O Lord, O Lord, you are such a passionate man, bud!

Enter Sparkish.

SPARKISH

1134How now, what's here to do?

PINCHWIFE

1135This fool here now!

SPARKISH

1136What, drawn upon your wife? You should never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her. This is my sister-in-law is it not? [Pulls aside her handkerchief.] Ay, faith, e'en our country Margery, one may know her. Come, she and you must go dine with me; dinner's ready, come. But where's my wife? Is she not come home yet? Where is she?

PINCHWIFE

1137Making you a cuckold; 'tis that they all do, as soon as they can.

SPARKISH

1138What, the wedding day? No, a wife that designs to make a cully of her husband will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world. But come, they stay dinner for us. Come, I'll lead down our Margery.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1139No – sir, go, we'll follow you.

SPARKISH

1140I will not wag without you.

PINCHWIFE

1141[aside] This coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world.

SPARKISH

1142Come, come, Madam Margery.

PINCHWIFE

1143No, I'll lead her my way. What, would you treat your friends with mine, for want of your own wife? [Leads her to t'other door, and locks her in and returns.] [Aside] I am contented my rage should take breath.

SPARKISH

1144I told Horner this.

PINCHWIFE

1145Come now.

SPARKISH

1146Lord how shy you are of your wife! But let me tell you, brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying that cuckolding, like the smallpox, comes with a fear; and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'll have it sooner or later, by the world, say they.

PINCHWIFE

1147[aside] What a thing is a cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous! – Well sir – but let me advise you, now you are come to be concerned, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the malady will light upon your own head, for –

How s'e'er the kind wife's belly comes to swell.

The husband breeds for her, and first is ill.

ACT FIVE

SCENE ONE

Mrs Pinchwife's house.

Enter Mr Pinchwife and Mrs Pinchwife. A table and candle.

PINCHWIFE

1148Come, take the pen and make an end of the letter, just as you intended. If you are false in a tittle, I shall soon perceive it, and punish you with this as you deserve.

[Lays his hand on his sword.] PR}Write what was to follow – let's see – 'You must take haste and help me away before tomorrow, or else I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our' – What follows 'our'? –

MRS PINCHWIFE

1149Must all out then, bud? [Mrs Pinchwife takes the pen and writes.] Look you there then.

PINCHWIFE

1150Let's see – 'For I can defer no longer our – wedding – Your slighted Alithea.' What's the meaning of this? My sister's name to't? Speak, unriddle!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1151Yes indeed, bud.

PINCHWIFE

1152But why her name to't? Speak – speak, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1153Ay, but you'll tell her then again; if you would not tell her again –

PINCHWIFE

1154I will not – I am stunned, my head turns round. Speak!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1155Won't you tell her indeed, and indeed?

PINCHWIFE

1156No. Speak, I say!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1157She'll be angry with me, but I had rather she should be angry with me than you, bud; and to tell you the truth, 'twas she made me write the letter, and taught me what I should write.

PINCHWIFE

1158 (aside) Ha! I thought the style was somewhat better than her own. – But how could she come to you to teach you, since I had locked you up alone?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1159O – through the keyhold, bud.

PINCHWIFE

1160But why should she make you write a letter for her to him, since she can write herself?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1161Why, she said because – for I was unwilling to do it.

PINCHWIFE

1162Because what – because?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1163Because, lest Mr Horner should be cruel, and refuse her, or vain afterwards, and shew the letter, she might disown it, the hand not being hers.

PINCHWIFE

1164[aside] How's this? Ha! Then I think I shall come to myself again. This changeling could not invent this lie, but if she could, why should she? She might think I should soon discover it – stay – now I think on't too, Horner said he was sorry she had married Sparkish, and her disowning her marriage to me makes me think she has evaded it for Horner's sake. Yet why should she take this course? But men in love are fools, women may well be so. – But hark you madam, your sister went out in the morning, and I have not seen her within since.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1165Alackaday, she has been crying all day above, it seems, in a corner.

PINCHWIFE

1166Where is she? Let me speak with her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1167[aside] O Lord, then he'll discover all. – Pray hold, bud; what, d'ye mean to discover me? She'll know I have told you then. Pray bud, let me talk with her first.

PINCHWIFE

1168I must speak with her to know whether Horner ever made her any promise, and whether she be married to Sparkish or no.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1169Pray dear bud don't, till I have spoken with her and told her that I have told you all, for she'll kill me else.

PINCHWIFE

1170Go then, and bid her come out to me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1171Yes, yes, bud.

PINCHWIFE

1172Let me see –

MRS PINCHWIFE

1173(aside) I'll go, but she is not within to come to him. I have just got time to know of Lucy her maid, who first set me on work, what lie I shall tell next, for I am e'en at my wits end.

[Exit Mrs Pinchwife.]

PINCHWIFE

1174Well, I resolve it; Horner shall have her. I'd rather give him my sister than lend him my wife, and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife, sure. I'll make him of kin to her, and then he won't care for her.

Mrs Pinchwife returns.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1175O Lord, bud, I told you what anger you would make me with my sister.

PINCHWIFE

1176Won't she come hither?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1177No, no, alackaday, she's ashamed to look you in the face, and she says if you go in to her, she'll run away downstairs, and shamefully go herself to Mr Horner, who has promised her marriage, she says, and she will have no other, so she won't.

PINCHWIFE

1178Did he so – promise her marriage? – Then she shall have no other. Go tell her so, and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means, I will about it immediately. Go. Exit MRS PINCHWIFE. His estate is equal to Sparkish's, and his extraction as much better than his as his parts are; but my chief reason is, I'd rather be of kin to him by the name of brother-in-law than that of cuckold. Enter MRS PINCHWIFE. Well, what says she now?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1179Why, she says she would only have you lead her to Horner's lodging – with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talk with you, which yet she cannot do; for alack, poor creature, she says she can't so much as look you in the face. Therefore she'll come to you in a mask, and you must excuse her if she make you no answer to any question of yours, till you have brought her to Mr Horner; and if you will not chide her, nor question her, she'll come out to you immediately.

PINCHWIFE

1180Let her come; I will not speak a word to her, nor require a word from her.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1181Oh, I forgot; besides, she says she cannot look you in the face though through a mask, therefore would desire you to put out the candle.

[Exit Mrs Pinchwife.]

PINCHWIFE

1182I agree to all; let her make haste. There, 'tis out. [Put out the candle.] My case is something better, I'd rather fight with Horner for not lying with my sister than for lying with my wife, and of the two I had rather find my sister too forward than my wife. I expected no other from her free education, as she calls it, and her passion for the town. Well – wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty, pleasure and comfort, but we find 'em plagues and torments, and are equally, though differently, troublesome to their keeper; for we have as much ado to get people to lie with our sisters as to keep 'em from lying with our wives. Enter Mrs Pinchwife masked, and in hoods and scarves, and a nightgown and petticoat of Alithea's, in the dark. What, are you come sister? Let us go then – but first let me lock up my wife. Mrs Margery, where are you?

MRS PINCHWIFE

1183Here, bud.

PINCHWIFE

1184Come hither, that I may lock you up. [Locks the door.] Get you in. Come sister, where are you now?

Mrs Pinchwife gives him her hand, but when he lets her go, she steals softly on t'other side of him, and is led away by him for his sister Alithea.

SCENE TWO

The scene changes to Horner's lodging.

Quack, Horner.

QUACK

1185What, all alone? Not so much as one of your cuckolds here, nor one of their wives! They use to take their turns with you, as if they were to watch you.

HORNER

1186Yes, it often happens that a cuckold is but his wife's spy, and is more upon family duty when he is with her gallant abroad hindering his pleasure than when he is at home with her playing the gallant. But the hardest duty a married women imposes upon a lover is keeping her husband company always.

QUACK

1187And his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers.

HORNER

1188A pox! Keeping a cuckold company after you have had his wife is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town when he has got all his money.

QUACK

1189And as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife, so at last you are fain to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband.

HORNER

1190Ay, most cuckold-makers are true courtiers; when once a poor man has cracked his credit for 'em, they can't abide to come near him.

QUACK

1191But at first, to draw him in, are so sweet, so kind, so dear, just as you are to Pinchwife. But what becomes of that intrigue with his wife?

HORNER

1192A pox! He's as surly as an alderman that has been bit, and since he's so coy, his wife's kindness is in vain, for she's a silly innocent.

QUACK

1193Did she not send you a letter by him?

HORNER

1194Yes, but that's a riddle I have not yet solved. Allow the poor creature to be willing, she is silly too, and he keeps her up so close –

QUACK

1195Yes, so close that he makes her but the more willing, and adds but revenge to her love, which two when met seldom fail of satisfying each other one way or other.

HORNER

1196What! Here's the man we are talking of, I think.

Enter Mr Pinchwife, leading in his wife masked, muffled, and in her sister's gown.

HORNER

1197Pshaw!

QUACK

1198Bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love letter from her.

HORNER

1199What means this?

PINCHWIFE

1200The last time, you know, sir, I brought you a love letter; now, you see, a mistress. I think you'll say I am a civil man to you.

HORNER

1201Ay, the devil take me, will I say thou art the civillest man I ever met with, and I have known some. I fancy I understand thee now better than I did the letter; but hark thee, in thy ear –

PINCHWIFE

1202What?

HORNER

1203Nothing but the usual question man: is she sound, on thy word?

PINCHWIFE

1204What, you take her for a wench, and me for a pimp?

HORNER

1205Pshaw! Wench and pimp, paw words. I know thou art an honest fellow, and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies, and perhaps hast made love for me rather than let me make love to thy wife.

PINCHWIFE

1206Come sir, in short, I am for no fooling.

HORNER

1207Nor I either. Therefore, prithee, let's see her face presently. Make her show, man; art thou sure I don't know her?

PINCHWIFE

1208I am sure you do know her.

HORNER

1209A pox! Why dost thou bring her to me then?

PINCHWIFE

1210Because she's a relation of mine –

HORNER

1211Is she, faith, man? Then thou art still more civil and obliging, dear rogue.

PINCHWIFE

1212– who desired me to bring her to you.

HORNER

1213Then she is obliging, dear rogue.

PINCHWIFE

1214You'll make her welcome for my sake, I hope.

HORNER

1215I hope she is handsome enough to make herself welcome. Prithee let her unmask.

PINCHWIFE

1216Do you speak to her; she would never be ruled by me.

HORNER

1217Madam – [Mrs Pinchwife whispers to Horner.] She says she must speak with me in private. Withdraw, prithee.

PINCHWIFE

1218[aside] She's unwilling, it seems, I should know all her undecent conduct in this business. – Well then, I'll leave you together, and hope when I am gone you'll agree; if not, you and I shan't agree, sir.

HORNER

1219What means the fool? If she and I agree 'tis no matter what you and I do.

[Whispers to Mrs Pinchwife, who makes signs with her hand for him (Pinchwife) to be gone.]

PINCHWIFE

1220In the meantime I'll fetch a parson, and find out Sparkish and disabuse him. – You would have me fetch a parson, would you not? Well then – now I think I am rid of her, and shall have no more trouble with her. Our sisters and daughters, like usurers' money, are safest when put out; but our wives, like their writings, never safe but in our closets under lock and key.

[Exit Mr Pinchwife.]

Enter Boy.

BOY

1221Sir Jasper Fidget, sir, is coming up.

HORNER

1222Here's the trouble of a cuckold, now we are talking of. A pox on him! Has he not enough to do to hinder his wife's sport, but he must other women's too? – Step in here, madam.

Exit Mrs Pinchwife.

Enter Sir Jasper.

SIR JASPER

1223My best and dearest friend.

HORNER

1224(aside to Quack) The old style, doctor. – Well, be short, for I am busy. What would your impertinent wife have now?

SIR JASPER

1225Well guessed, i'faith, for I do come from her.

HORNER

1226To invite me to supper? Tell her I can't come; go.

SIR JASPER

1227Nay, now you are out, faith; for my lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang, as they call themselves, are resolved upon a frolic of coming to you tonight in a masquerade, and are all dressed already.

HORNER

1228I shan't be at home.

SIR JASPER

1229Lord, how churlish he is to women! – Nay, prithee don't disappoint 'em. They'll think 'tis my fault; prithee don't. I'll send in the banquet and the fiddles, but make no noise on't, for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known for the world that they go a-masquerading, and they would come to no man's ball but yours.

HORNER

1230Well, well. – Get you gone, and tell 'em if they come, 'twill be at the peril of their honour and yours.

SIR JASPER

1231Heh, he, he! – we'll trust you for that. Farewell.

[Exit Sir Jasper.]

HORNER

1232

Doctor, anon you too shall be my guest,

But now I'm going to a private feast.

SCENE THREE

The scene changes to the piazza of Covent Garden.

Sparkish, Pinchwife

SPARKISH

1233 [with the letter in his hands] But who would have thought a woman could have been false to me? By the world, I could not have thought it.

PINCHWIFE

1234You were for giving and taking liberty; she has taken it only, sir, now you find in that letter. You are a frank person, and so is she, you see there.

SPARKISH

1235Nay, if this be her hand – for I never saw it.

PINCHWIFE

1236'Tis no matter whether that be her hand or no, I am sure this hand at her desire led her to Mr Horner, with whom I left her just now, to go fetch a parson to 'em at their desire too, to deprive you of her for ever, for it seems yours was but a mock marriage.

SPARKISH

1237Indeed, she would needs have it that 'twas Harcourt himself in a parson's habit that married us, but I'm sure he told me 'twas his brother Ned.

PINCHWIFE

1238Oh, there 'tis out and you were deceived, not she, for you are such a frank person – but I must be gone. You'll find her at Mr Horner's; go and believe your eyes.

[Exit Mr Pinchwife.]

SPARKISH

1239Nay, I'll to her, and call her as many crocodiles, sirens, harpies, and other heathenish names as a poet would do a mistress who had refused to hear his suit, nay more, his verses on her. – But stay, is not that she following a torch at t'other end of the Piazza? And from Horner's certainly – 'tis so. Enter Alithea following a torch, and Lucy behind. You are well met, madam, though you don't think so. What, you have made a short visit to Mr Horner? But I suppose you'll return to him presently; but that time the parson can be with him.

ALITHEA

1240Mr Horner and the parson, sir?

SPARKISH

1241Come, madam, no more dissembling, no more jilting, for I am no more a frank person.

ALITHEA

1242How's this?

LUCY

1243[aside] So, 'twill work, I see.

SPARKISH

1244Could you find out no easy country fool to abuse? None but me, a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town? But it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts, unworthy false woman! False as a friend that lends a man money to lose, false as dice, who undo those that trust all day have to 'em.

LUCY

1245[aside] He has been a great bubble by his similes, as they say.

ALITHEA

1246You have been too merry, sir, at your wedding dinner, sure.

SPARKISH

1247What, d'ye mock me too?

ALITHEA

1248Or you have been deluded.

SPARKISH

1249By you.

ALITHEA

1250Let me understand you.

SPARKISH

1251Have you the confidence – I should call it something else, since you know your guilt – to stand my just reproaches? You did not write an impudent letter to Mr Horner, who I find now has clubbed with you in deluding me with his aversion for women, that I might not, forsooth, suspect him for my rival?

LUCY

1252[aside] D'ye think the gentleman can be jealous now, madam?

ALITHEA

1253I write a letter to Mr Horner!

SPARKISH

1254Nay, madam, do not deny it. Your brother shewed it me just now, and told me likewise he left you at Horner's lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him. And I wish you joy madam, joy, joy, and to him too, much joy, and to myself more joy for not marrying you.

ALITHEA

1255[aside] So, I find my brother would break off the match, and I can consent t'ot, since I see this gentleman can be made jealous. – O Lucy, by his rude usage and jealousy he makes me almost afraid I am married to him. Art thou sure 'twas Harcourt himself and no parson that married us?

SPARKISH

1256No, madam, I thank you. I suppose that was a contrivance too of Mr Horner's and yours, to make Harcourt play the parson. But I would as little as you have him one now, no, not for the world. For shall I tell you another truth? I never had any passion for you till now, for now I hate you. 'Tis true I might have married your portion, as other men of parts of the town do sometimes; and so your servant. And to shew my unconcernedness, I'll come to your wedding, and resign you with as much joy as I would a stale wench to a new cully, nay with as much joy as I would after the first night, if I had been married to you. There's for you, and so your servant, servant.

[Exit Sparkish.]

ALITHEA

1257How was I deceived in a man!

LUCY

1258You'll believe then a fool may be made jealous now? For that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife will likewise permit him to be persuaded against her by others.

ALITHEA

1259But marry Mr Horner! My brother does not intend it, sure; if I thought he did, I would take thy advice, and Mr Harcourt for my husband. And now I wish that if there be any over-wise woman of the town, who, like me, would marry a fool for fortune, liberty, or title, first that her husband may love play, and be a cully to all the town but her, and suffer none but fortune to be mistress of his purse. Then, if for liberty, that he may send her into the country under the conduct of some housewifely mother-in-law. And if for title, may the world give 'em none but that of cuckold.

LUCY

1260And for her greater curse, madam, may he not deserve it.

ALITHEA

1261Away, impertinent! – Is not this my old Lady Lanterlu's?

LUCY

1262Yes, madam. – [Aside] And here I hope we shall find Mr Harcourt.

Exeunt Alithea, Lucy.

SCENE FOUR

The scene changes again to Horner's lodging.

Horner, Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish. A table, banquet, and bottles.

HORNER

1263[aside] A pox! They are come too soon – before I have sent back my new mistress. All I have now to do is to lock her in, that they may not see her.

LADY FIDGET

1264That we may be sure of our welcome, we have brought our entertainment with us, and are resolved to treat thee, dear toad.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1265And that we may be merry to purpose, have left Sir Jasper and my old Lady Squeamish quarrelling at home at baggammon.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1266Therefore let us make use of our time lest they should chance to interrupt us.

LADY FIDGET

1267Let us sit then.

HORNER

1268First, that you may be private, let me lock this door, and that, and I'll wait upon you presently.

LADY FIDGET

1269No sir, shut 'em only and your lips for ever, for we must trust you as much as our women.

HORNER

1270You know all vanity's killed in me, I have no occasion for talking.

LADY FIDGET

1271Now, ladies, supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles, let us speak the truth of our hearts.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET and MRS SQUEAMISH

1272Agreed.

LADY FIDGET

1273By this brimmer, for truth is nowhere else to be found. [Aside to Horner] Not in thy heart, false man.

HORNER

1274[aside to Lady Fidget] You have found me a true man, I'm sure.

LADY FIDGET

1275[aside to Horner] Not every way. – But let us sit and be merry.

Lady Fidget sings.

Why should our damned tyrants oblige us to live

On the pittance of pleasure which they only give?

We must not rejoice,

With wine and with noise,

In vain we must wake in a dull bed alone,

Whilst to our warm rival, the bottle, they're gone.

Then lay aside charms,

And take up these arms.*

[*The glasses.]

'Tis wine only gives 'em their courage and wit;

Because we live sober, to men we submit.

If for beauties you'd pass,

Take a lick of the glass,

'Twill mend your complexions, and when they are gone,

The best red we have is the red of the grape.

Then sisters, lay't on.

And damn a good shape.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1276Dear brimmer! Well, in token of our openness and plain dealing, let us throw our masks over our heads.

HORNER

1277So, 'twill come to the glasses anon.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1278Lovely brimmer! Let me enjoy him first.

LADY FIDGET

1279No, I never part with a gallant till I've tried him. Dear brimmer, that makest our husbands short-sighted.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1280And our bashful gallants bold.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1281And for want of a gallant, the butler lovely in our eyes. – Drink, eunuch.

LADY FIDGET

1282Drink, thou representative of a husband. Damn a husband!

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1283And, as it were a husband, an old keeper.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1284And an old grandmother.

HORNER

1285And an English bawd, and a French chirurgeon.

LADY FIDGET

1286Ay, we have all reason to curse 'em.

HORNER

1287For my sake, ladies?

LADY FIDGET

1288No, for our own, for the first spoils all young gallants' industry.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1289And the other's art makes 'em bold only with common women.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1290And rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them than of a denial amongst us.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1291The filthy toads choose mistresses now as they do stuffs, for having been fancied and worn by others.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1292For being common and cheap.

LADY FIDGET

1293Whilst women of quality, like the richest stuffs, lie untumbled and unasked for.

HORNER

1294Ay, neat, and cheap, and new, often they think best.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1295No sir, the beasts will be known by a mistress longer than by a suit.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1296And 'tis not for cheapness neither.

LADY FIDGET

1297No, for the vain fops will take up druggets and embroider 'em. But I wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men; they use to be out of the common road, and hate imitation. Pray tell me, beast, when you were a man, why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house for an entertainment than to be the only guest at a good table.

HORNER

1298Why, faith, ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent. People always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary, where every man is snatching for the best bit.

LADY FIDGET

1299Though he get a cut over the fingers. But I have heard people eat most heartily of another man's meat, that is, what they do not pay for.

HORNER

1300When they are sure of their welcome and freedom, for ceremony in love and eating is as ridiculous as in fighting; falling on briskly is all should be done in those occasions.

LADY FIDGET

1301Well, then, let me tell you, sir, there is nowhere more freedom than in our houses, and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding, and a person may be as free as he pleases with us, as frolic, as gamesome, as wild as he will.

HORNER

1302Ha'n't I heard you all declaim against wild men?

LADY FIDGET

1303Yes, but for all that, we think wildness in a man as desirable a quality as in a duck or rabbit; a tame man, foh!

HORNER

1304I know not, but your reputations frightened me as much as your faces invited me.

LADY FIDGET

1305Our reputation! Lord, why should you not think that we women make use of our reputation, as you men of yours, only to deceive the world with less suspicion? Our virtue is like the statesman's religion, the quaker's word, the gamester's oath, and the great man's honour, but to cheat those that trust us.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1306And that demureness, coyness, and modesty that you see in our faces in the boxes at plays is as much a sign of a kind woman as a vizard-mask in the pit.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1307For, I assure you, women are least masked when they have the velvet vizard on.

LADY FIDGET

1308You would have found us modest women in our denials only.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1309Our bashfulness is only the reflection of the men's.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1310We blush when they are shame-faced.

HORNER

1311I beg your pardon, ladies, I was deceived in you devilishly. But why that mighty pretence to honour?

LADY FIDGET

1312We have told you. But sometimes 'twas for the same reason you men pretend business often, to avoid ill company, to enjoy the better and more privately those you love.

HORNER

1313But why would you ne'er give a friend a wink then?

LADY FIDGET

1314Faith, you reputation frightened us as much as ours did you. You were so notoriously lewd.

HORNER

1315And you so seemingly honest.

LADY FIDGET

1316Was that all that deterred you?

HORNER

1317And so expensive – you allow freedom you say –

LADY FIDGET

1318Ay, ay.

HORNER

1319That I was afraid of losing my little money, as well as my little time, both which my other pleasures required.

LADY FIDGET

1320Money, foh! You talk like a little fellow now. Do such as we expect money?

HORNER

1321I beg your pardon, madam, I must confess I have heard that great ladies, like great merchants, set but the higher prices upon what they have, because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1322Such as we make sale of our hearts?

MRS SQUEAMISH

1323We bribed for our love? Foh!

HORNER

1324With your pardon, ladies, I know, like great men in offices, you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your followers; but you have receivers about you, and such fees to pay, a man is afraid to pass your grants. Besides, we must let you win at cards, or we lose your hearts; and if you make an assignation, 'tis at a goldsmith's, jeweller's, or china house, where, for your honour you deposit to him, he must pawn his to the punctual cit, and so paying for what you take up, pays for what he takes up.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1325Would you not have us assured of our gallants' love?

MRS SQUEAMISH

1326For love is better known by liberality than by jelousy.

LADY FIDGET

1327For one may be dissembled, the other not. – [Aside] But my jealousy can be no longer dissembled, and they are telling-ripe. – Come, here's to our gallants in waiting, whom we must name, and I'll begin. This is my false rogue.

[Claps him on the back.]

MRS SQUEAMISH

1328How!

HORNER

1329(aside) So all will out now.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1330[aside to Horner] Did you not tell me 'twas for my sake only you reported yourself no man?

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1331[aside to Horner] O wretch! Did you not swear to me 'twas for my love and honour you passed for that thing you do?

HORNER

1332So, so.

LADY FIDGET

1333Come, speak, ladies; this is my false villain.

MRS SQUEAMISH

1334And mine too.

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1335And mine.

HORNER

1336Well then, you are all three my false rogues too, and there's an end on't.

LADY FIDGET

1337Well then, there's no remedy. Sister sharers, let us not fall out, but have a care of our honour. Though we get no presents, no jewels of him, we are savers of our honour, the jewel of most value and use, which shines yet to the world unsuspected, though it be counterfeit.

HORNER

1338Nay, and is e'en as good as if it were true, provided the world think so; for honour, like beauty now, only depends on the opinion of others.

LADY FIDGET

1339Well, Harry Common, I hope you can be true to three. Swear – but 'tis no purpose to require your oath, for you are as often forsworn as you swear to new women.

HORNER

1340Come, faith, madam, let us e'en pardon one another, for all the difference I find betwixt we men and you women, we forswear ourselves at the beginning of an amour, you as long as it lasts.

Enter Sir Jarper Fidget and Old Lady Squeamish.

SIR JASPER

1341Oh, my Lady Fidget, was this your cunning, to come to Mr Horner without me? But you have been nowhere else, I hope?

LADY FIDGET

1342No, Sir Jasper.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1343And you came straight hither, Biddy?

MRS SQUEAMISH

1344Yes indeed, Lady Grandmother.

SIR JASPER

1345'Tis well. 'tis well. I knew when once they were throughly acquainted with poor Horner, they'd ne'er be from him. You may let her masquerade it with my wife and Horner, and I warrant her reputation safe.

Enter Boy.

BOY

1346O sir, here's the gentleman come whom you bid me not suffer to come up without giving you notice, with a lady too, and other gentleman.

HORNER

1347Do you all go in there, whilst I send 'em away, and boy, do you desire 'em to stay below till I come, which shall be immediately.

Exeunt Sir Jasper, Lady Squeamish, Lady Fidget, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish.

BOY

1348Yes sir.

[Exit.]

Exit Horner at t'other door, and returns with Mrs Pinchwife.

HORNER

1349You would not take my advice to be gone home before your husband came back; he'll now discover all. Yet pray, my dearest, be persuaded to go home and leave to rest to my management. I'll let you down the back way.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1350I don't know the way home, so I don't.

HORNER

1351My man shall wait upon you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1352No, don't you believe that I'll go at all. What, are you weary of me already?

HORNER

1353No, my life, 'tis that I may love you long. 'Tis to secure my love, and your reputation with your husband. He'll never receive you again else.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1354What care I? D'ye think to frighten me with that? I don't intend to go to him again. You shall be my husband now.

HORNER

1355I cannot be your husband, dearest, since you are married to him.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1356Oh, would you make me believe that? Don't I see, every day at London here, women leave their first husbands and go and live with other men as their wives? Pish, pshaw! You'd make me angry, but that I love you so mainly.

HORNER

1357So, they are coming up. – In again, in, I hear 'em: [Exit Mrs Pinchwife]. Well, a silly mistress is like a weak place, soon got, soon lost; a man has scarce time for plunder. She betrays her husband first to her gallant, and then her gallant to her husband.

Enter Pinchwife, Alithea, Harcourt, Sparkish, Lucy, and a parson.

PINCHWIFE

1358Come, madam, 'tis not the sudden change of your dress, the confidence of your asseverations, and your false witness there, shall persuade me I did not bring you hither, just now. Here's my witness, who cannot deny it, since you must be confronted. – Mr Horner, did not I bring this lady to you just now?

HORNER

1359[aside] Now must I wrong one woman for another's sake, but that's no new thing with me; for in these cases I am still on the criminal's side, against the innocent.

ALITHEA

1360Pray, speak, sir.

HORNER

1361[aside] It must be so – I must be impudent, and try my luck; impudence uses to be too hard for truth.

PINCHWIFE

1362What, you are studying an evasion or excuse for her. Speak, sir.

HORNER

1363No, faith, I am something backward only to speak in women's affairs or disputes.

PINCHWIFE

1364She bids you speak.

ALITHEA

1365Ay, pray sir, do. Pray satisfy him.

HORNER

1366Then, truly, you did bring that lady to me just now.

PINCHWIFE

1367Oho!

ALITHEA

1368How, sir!

HARCOURT

1369How, Horner!

ALITHEA

1370What mean you, sir? I always took you for a man of honour.

HORNER

1371[aside] Ay, so much a man of honour that I must save my mistress, I thank you, come what will on't.

SPARKISH

1372So, if I had had her, she'd have made me believe the moon had been made of a Christmas pie.

LUCY

1373[aside] Now could I speak, if I durst, and 'solve the riddle, who am the author of it.

ALITHEA

1374O unfortunate woman! (To Harcourt) A combination against my honour which most concerns me now because you share in my disgrace, sir, and it is your censure which I must now suffer that troubles me, not theirs.

HARCOURT

1375Madam, then have no trouble, you shall now see 'tis possible for me to love too, without being jealous. I will not only believe your innocence myself, but make all the world believe it. – [Apart to Horner] Horner, I must now be concerned for this lady's honour.

HORNER

1376And I must be concerned for a lady's honour too.

HARCOURT

1377This lady has her honour, and I will protect it.

HORNER

1378My lady has not her honour, but has given it me to keep, and I will preserve it.

HARCOURT

1379I understand you not.

HORNER

1380I would not have you.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1381 [peeping in behind] What's the matter with 'em all?

PINCHWIFE

1382Come, come, Mr Horner, no more disputing. Here's the parson, I brought him not in vain.

HORNER

1383No sir, I'll employ him, if this lady please.

PINCHWIFE

1384How, what d'ye mean?

SPARKISH

1385Ay, what does he mean?

HORNER

1386Why, I have resigned your sister to him. He has my consent.

PINCHWIFE

1387But he has no mine, sir. A woman's injured honour, no more than a man's, can be repaired or satisfied by any but him that first wronged it; and you shall marry her presently, or –

[Lays his hand on his sword.]

Enter to them Mistress Pinchwife.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1388O Lord, they'll kill poor Mr Horner! Besides, he shan't marry her whilst I stand by and look on. I'll not lose my second husband so.

PINCHWIFE

1389What do I see?

ALITHEA

1390My sister in my clothes!

SPARKISH

1391Ha!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1392 [To Mr Pinchwife] Nay, pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the parson; he shall marry me to Mr Horner, for now, I believe, you have enough of me.

HORNER

1393Damned, damned loving changeling!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1394Pray, sister, pardon me for telling so many lies of you.

HARCOURT

1395I suppose the riddle is plain now.

LUCY

1396No, that must be my work. Good sir, hear me.

[Kneels to Mr Pinchwife, who stands doggedly, with his hat over his eyes.]

PINCHWIFE

1397I will never hear woman again, but make 'em all silent, thus –

[Offers to draw upon his wife.]

HORNER

1398No, that must not be.

PINCHWIFE

1399You then shall go first, 'tis all one to me.

[Offers to draw on Horner; stopped by Harcourt.]

HARCOURT

1400Hold!

Enter Sir Jasper Fidget, Lady Fidget, Lady Squeamish, Mrs Dainty Fidget, Mrs Squeamish.

SIR JASPER

1401What's the matter, what's the matter? Pray what's the matter, sir? I beseech you, communicate, sir.

PINCHWIFE

1402Why, my wife has communicated, sir, as your wife may have done too, sir, if she knows him, sir.

SIR JASPER

1403Pshaw! With him? Ha, ha, he!

PINCHWIFE

1404D'ye mock me, sir? A cuckold is a kind of a wild beast. Have a care, sir.

SIR JASPER

1405No sure, you mock me, sir – he cuckold you! It can't be, ha, ha, he! Why, I'll tell you, sir.

[Offers to whisper.]

PINCHWIFE

1406I tell you again, he has whored my wife, and yours too, if he knows her, and all the women he comes near. 'Tis not his dissembling, his hypocrisy, can wheedle me.

SIR JASPER

1407How! Does he dissemble? Is he a hypocrite? Nay then – how – wife – sister, is he an hypocrite?

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1408An hypocrite! A dissembler! Speak, young harlotry, speak, how?

SIR JASPER

1409Nay then – Oh, my head too! – O thou libidinous lady!

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1410O thou harloting harlotry! Hast thou done't then?

SIR JASPER

1411Speak, good Horner, art thou a dissembler, a rogue? Hast thou –

HORNER

1412Soh!

LUCY

1413[apart to Horner] I'll fetch you off, and her too, if she will but hold her tongue.

HORNER

1414[apart to Lucy] Canst thou? I'll give thee –

LUCY

1415 (to Mr Pinchwife) Pray, have but patience to hear me, sir, who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion. Your wife is innocent, I only culpable; for I put her upon telling you all these lies concerning my mistress, in order to the breaking off the match between Mr Sparkish and her, to make way for Mr Harcourt.

SPARKISH

1416Did you so, eternal rotten-tooth? Then it seems my mistress was not false to me, I was only deceived by you. Brother that should have been, now, man of conduct, who is a frank person now? To bring your wife to her lover – ha!

LUCY

1417I assure you, sir, she came not to Mr Horner out of love, for she loves him no more –

MRS PINCHWIFE

1418Hold, I told lies for you, but you shall tell none for me, for I do love Mr Horner with all my soul, and nobody shall say me nay. Pray don't you go to make poor Mr Horner believe to the contrary, 'tis spitefully done of you, I'm sure.

HORNER

1419[aside to Mrs Pinchwife] Peace, dear idiot!

MRS PINCHWIFE

1420Nay, I will not peace.

PINCHWIFE

1421Not till I make you.

Enter Dorilant, Quack.

DORILANT

1422Horner, your servant. I am the doctor's guest, he must excuse our intrusion.

QUACK

1423But what's the matter, gentlemen? For heaven's sake, what's the matter?

HORNER

1424Oh, 'tis well you are come. 'Tis a censorious world we live in. You may have brought me a reprieve, or else I had died for a crime I never committed, and these innocent ladies had suffered with me; therefore pray satisfy these worthy, honourable, jealous gentlemen – that -

[whispers]

QUACK

1425Oh, I understand you; is that all? – Sir Jasper, by heavens and upon the word of a physician, [whispers to Sir Jasper] sir, -

SIR JASPER

1426Nay, I do believe you truly. – Pardon me, my virtuous lady, and dear of honour.

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1427What, then all's right again?

SIR JASPER

1428Ay, ay, and now let us satisfy him too.

[They whisper with Mr Pinchwife.]

PINCHWIFE

1429An eunuch! Pray, no fooling with me.

QUACK

1430I'll bring half the chirurgeons in town to swear it.

PINCHWIFE

1431They! They'll swear a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an apoplexy.

QUACK

1432Pray hear me, sir – why all the town has heard the report of him.

PINCHWIFE

1433But does all the town believe it?

QUACK

1434Pray inquire a little, and first, of all these.

PINCHWIFE

1435I'm sure when I left the town he was the lewdest fellow in't.

QUACK

1436I tell you, sir, he has been in France since. Pray ask but these ladies and gentlemen, your friend Mr Dorilant. Gentlemen and ladies, ha'n't you all heard the late sad repor of poor Mr Horner?

ALL THE LADIES

1437Ay, ay, ay.

DORILANT

1438Why, thou jealous fool, dost thou doubt it? He's an arrant French capon.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1439'Tis false, sir, you shall not disparage poor Mr Horner, for to my certain knowledge –

LUCY

1440Oh hold!

MRS SQUEAMISH

1441[aside to Lucy] Stop her mouth –

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1442 [to Pinchwife] Upon my honour sir, 'tis as true –

MRS DAINTY FIDGET

1443D'ye think we would have been seen in his company?

MRS SQUEAMISH

1444Trust our unspotted reputations with him?

OLD LADY SQUEAMISH

1445[aside to Horner] This you get, and we too, by trusting your secret to a fool –

HORNER

1446Peace, madam. – [Aside to Quack] Well, doctor, is not this a good design that carries a man on unsuspected, and brings him off safe.

PINCHWIFE

1447[aside] Well, if this were true, but my wife –

Dorilant whispers with Mrs Pinchwife.

ALITHEA

1448Come, brother, your wife is yet innocent, you see. But have a care of too strong an imagination, lest like an over-concerned timorous gamester, by fancying an unlucky cast, it should come. Women and fortune are truest still to those that trust 'em.

LUCY

1449And any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up, and more dangerous to the keeper.

ALITHEA

1450There's doctrine for all husbands, Mr Harcourt.

HARCOURT

1451I edify, madam, so much, that I am impatient till I am one.

DORILANT

1452And I edify so much by example I will never be one.

SPARKISH

1453And because I will not disparage my parts, I'll ne'er be one.

HORNER

1454And I, alas, can't be one.

PINCHWIFE

1455But I must be one – against my will, to a counttry wife, with a country murrain to me.

MRS PINCHWIFE

1456[aside] And I must be a country wife still too I find, for I can't, like a city one, be rid of my musty husband and do what I list.

HORNER

1457Now sir, I must pronounce your wife innocent, though I blush whilst I do it, and I am the only man by her now exposed to shame, which I will straight drown in wine, as you shall your suspicion; and the ladies' troubles we'll divert with a ballet. Doctor, where are your maskers?

LUCY

1458Indeed she's innocent, sir, I am her witness; and her end of coming out was but to see her sister's wedding, and what she has said to your face of her love to Mr Horner was but the usual innocent revenge on a husband's jealousy. Was it not, madam? Speak –

MRS PINCHWIFE

1459[aside to Lucy and Horner] Since you'll have me tell more lies – yes indeed, bud.

PINCHWIFE

1460

For my own sake fain I would all believe.

Cuckolds, like lovers, should themselves deceive.

But

[sighs] –

his honour is least safe (too late I find)

Who trusts it with a foolish wife or friend.

A dance of cuckolds.

HORNER

1461

Vain fops but court, and dress, and keep a pother,

To pass for women's men with one another;

But he who aims by women to be prized,

First by the men, you see, must be despised.

FINIS

Epilogue

1462

Now you the vigorous, who daily here

O'er vizard-mask, in public domineer,

And what you'd do to her if in place where;

Nay, have the confidence to cry, 'Come out!'

Yet when she says, 'Lead on', you are not stout,

But to your well-dressed brother straight turn round

And cry, 'Pox on her, Ned, she can't be found!'

Then slink away, a fresh one to ingage,

With so much seeming heat and loving rage,

You'd frighten listening actress on the stage;

Till she at last has seen you huffing come,

And talk of keeping in the living-room,

Yet cannot be provoked to lead her home.

Next, you Falstaffs of fifty, who beset

Your buckram maidenheads, which your friends get;

And whilst to them, you of achievements boast,

They share the booty, and laugh at your cost.

In fine, you essenc't boys, both old and young,

Who would be thought so eager, brisk, and strong,

Yet do the ladies, not their husbands, wrong;

Whose purses for your manhood make excuse,

And keep your Flanders mares for shew, not use;

Encouraged by our woman's man today,

A Horner's part may vainly think to play,

And may intrigues so bashfully disown

That they may doubted be by few or none;

May kiss the cards at picquet, hombre, loo,

And so be thought to kiss the lady too.

But gallants, have a care, faith, what you do.

The world, which to no man his due will give,

You by experience know you can deceive,

And men may still believe you vigorous,

But then, we women – there's no coz'ning us.

FINIS