The Follies of Calandro

Texto utilizado para esta edición digital:
Bernardo Dovizi da Babbiena, The Follies of Calandro, The Genius of the Italian Theater, Eric Benteley (ed.), The New American Library, 1964.

Marcación digital para Artelope:

Badía Herrera, Josefa (Dicat)
Revenga García, Nadia (Dicat)

The Prologue by Baldassare Castiglione

Today you will be the spectators of a new comedy, called Calandria, written not in verse but in prose; not in Latin but Italian; not ancient but modern. Calandria comes from Calandro, a character whom you will discover to be such a fool that you will find it hard to believe him one of nature’s creations. But if you have seen or heard of similar things (especially concerning Martin of Amelia, who believed the star Diana to be his wife and himself Amen, able at will to become a woman, a god, a fish, or a plant), then it will not seem strange to you that Calandro is so credulous and does so many stupid things.
Depicting, as this play does, things commonly said and done, its author has thought it best not to use verse: remember therefore that he is speaking to you in words that are free and natural. That it is not ancient should displease no one of healthy taste, since things that are new are always pleasing and delight an audience more than things which, seen so often, have become flat and stale. The reason it is not in Latin is that the author, desirous of pleasing you to the utmost and wishing for himself as large an audience as possible –since not everyone is a scholar –wished therefore to write it in Italian, so that, understood by everyone, it would be enjoyed by everyone: besides which, the language given us by natural and by God ought not to be less esteemed among us than Latin, Greek, or Hebrew, compared with which ours would not be inferior if we would only exalt, obey, and polish it with the same diligent care as the Greeks and other ancients. That man must be reckoned an enemy who esteems another language over his own. I know well that my own is so dear to me that I would not exchange it for all the other languages now in use: I believe you are of the same sentiment. Therefore you should be pleased to hear the play spoken in your own language –or rather, in our language, not yours, for it is we who do the talking and you who must be quiet.
As for those who will claim that the author has stolen certain things from Plautus, we shall say merely that Plautus deserves to be robbed, the snot-nose, for leaving his things to the world without either a key or a watchman. The author swears upon the holy cross, however, that he has not stolen so much as this (snapping his fingers) from Plautus and wishes to be compared with him in his own right. Anyone who doubts this can look up Plautus’ works; he will find that nothing is missing from them. If that is the case, and Plautus has not been robbed, then no one can say that the author is a thief. And if someone should be so stubborn as to insist that he is, we pray that at least he will not curse him openly, threatening him with the Bargello, but that he will go and whisper it secretly into Plautus’ ear.
Now here is the man who will recite the argument of the play; prepare to give him your very closest attention by opening wide the cavities of your ears.

The Argument

Demetrius, citizen of Modone, had a son named Lidio and a daughter named Santilla. They were twins, so similar in form and appearance that they could not be distinguished excepts for their clothes: this you will not find hard to believe, for, among the many such examples that we could cite, it is sufficient to mention those highborn Roman brothers, Antonio and Valerio Porcari, who were so similar that everybody in Rome mistook the one for the other.
As for our own twins, they have been fatherless since they were six: the Turks seized and burned Modone, killing anyone they found in the streets. Their nurse and their manservant, Fannio, in order to save Santilla, dressed her as a boy and called her Lidio; they believed her brother had been massacred by the Turks. Leaving Modone, they were captured and sent as prisoners to Constantinople, where they were rescued by a Florentine merchant named Perillo, who took the three of them to Rome and installed them in his house, where, over the years, they picked up the local language and customs. And now Perillo wants to give his daughter in marriage to Santilla, whom everyone calls Lidio and believes to be a boy.
The real Lidio, her brother, escaped alive from Modone with his manservant, Fessenio. Coming to Italy, he settled in Tuscany, where he too learned the language and customs. When he was nearly eighteen, he came to Rome, where he fell in love with, and was loved by, a married woman named Fulvia. In order to accomplish his purpose with her, he frequently visited her in female dress. After many mishaps, Lidio and Santilla finally learn each other’s identity. Take care now, open well your eyes so as not to mistake the one for the other, for I ward you that both are of the same size and general appearance; both are called Lidio; both dress, speak, and laugh alike; both are in Rome today; and presently both of them are going to appear before you. Don’t imagine, however, that they have come here from Rome, so quickly by means of witchcraft: this platform is Rome, which, when it was in its glory, was so large that it contained many cities, towns, and rivers; but now it is so reduced in size that, as you see, it fits comfortably into our own city. And so it is with everything that was once great and powerful.

Characters

LIDIO, an adolescent youth

SANTILLA, his sister

FANNIO, servant to Santilla

FESSENIO, servant to Lidio

POLINICO, a teacher

CALANDRO

FULVIA, his wife

SAMIA, maid to Fulvia

TIRESIA, maid to Santilla

RUFFO, a magician

SOFILLA, a prostitute

A PORTER

CUSTOMS OFFICIALS

BROTHERS TO FULVIA

Act I

Scene I

Fessenio, alone

Fessenio

How true it is that man makes one plan and fortune makes another for him! Just when we thought we were quietly settled in Bologna, my master Lidio learned that his sister Santilla was alive and in Italy, and immediately his love for her was revived –a love stronger that ever brother felt toward sister, since, being twins, they were so alike appearance, in speech, and in manner that at Modone, if Lidio were dressed as a little girl and Santilla as a little boy, their own mother and nurse could not tell them apart, let alone strangers. God Himself could not have made them more alike, and it was only natural that each should love the other more than himself. Therefore Lidio, who had thought his sister dead, has now set out to find her. Four months ago, coming to Rome to look for her, he met the Roman lady Fulvia and fell in love whit her. So as to have his way with her, he had her husband Calandro hire me as a servant, and with her consent I immediately arranged it so that the lovers could meet whenever they wished by having Lidio visit her dressed as a woman answering to the name of Santilla. But lately, fearful that they should be discovered, he has shown himself increasingly neglectful of her, and pretends that he want to leave Rome. Fulvia is so upset about this that she can scarcely control herself, and has been consulting soothsayers and magicians; she has come to me about it, and has even sent her maid, Samia, who is in her confidence, to Lidio with prayers, with gifts, and with promises to give her son in marriage to his sister, should Lidio succeed in finding her. All of this has been done so openly that if her husband were not more of a sheep than a man he would have known about it long ago –in which case I would have had to take all the blame: it’s a good thing that I know how to take care of myself. I am in an impossible position: it’s bad enough to serve two masters, and I am trying to serve three –the husband, the wife, and my own master. I never have a moment’s rest. Oh, well, I don’t mind too much: a man who has nothing to do is as good as dead, and if it is true that a good servants is never idle, why then I am the best, for I never even have time to clean my ears. And speaking of Lidio, here he comes with Polinico, his teacher. When you see a dolphin, as the saying goes, you know a storm is brewing. I am going to step aside a moment and listen to what they are saying.

Scene II

Polinico, Lidio, Fessenio

Polinico

I never would have thought, Lidio, that you would waste your time on idle love affairs. You are becoming an utterly worthless person, and I blame it all on that rascal Fessenio.

Fessenio

(apart) Aha!

Lidio

You shouldn’t say that, Polinico.

Polinico

Ah, Lidio, I am wiser than you and that wretched servant of yours.

Fessenio

(apart) We shall see about that.

Polinico

A prudent man always thinks of what may happen in the future.

Fessenio

(apart) Here we go with the lessons again.

Polinico

Should this affair of yours become known, you would not only be in danger of your life but would lose the respect of everybody.

Fessenio

(apart) Stupid pedagogue!

Polinico

Nobody has any use for a playboy. And to think that you have been carrying on with one of the most respected women in our city! Take my advice, Lidio, and get out of it before it is too late.

Lidio

Polinico, I am young, and young people have always been ruled by love; older people can afford to think of more serious things. I must do as love commands, and it has bidden me to love the lady Fulvia even more than I love myself. And I believe that many people, even if they knew, would not hold it against me, for, just as it is a sign of common sense in a woman not to love a man in a higher position, so it is a sign of merit in a man to love a lady of higher birth than himself.

Fessenio

(approaching) Well said, my master.

Polinico

These are arguments that you have learned from that miserable Fessenio.

Fessenio

You are the miserable one.

Polinico

(to Fessenio) Actually I’d be surprised if you didn’t try to spoil the good things that people try to do.

Fessenio

I’m not planning to spoil anything of yours.

Polinico

Nothing is worse than to see the lives of wise men governed by the saying of fools.

Fessenio

I have always given him better advice than you.

Polinico

No one can give good advice who has bad habits. If I had known you better, Fessenio, I would not have recommended you so highly to Lidio.

Fessenio

Did I ever ask you for any favors?

Polinico

Now I know that when a man praises another he is often deceived; when he criticizes another, he never is.

Fessenio

The more fool you, for praising someone you did not know well. For my part, I know that when I speak of you I am never wrong.

Polinico

Have you spoken evil of me?

Fessenio

You have spoken evil of yourself.

Polinico

I must be patient. I am not going to argue with you; it would be like shouting at the thunder.

Fessenio

You won’t because you know you are in the wrong.

Polinico

I am trying to avoid other means besides words.

Fessenio

And what harm could you ever do to me in a hundred years?

Polinico

Never mind, never mind. You would soon find out.

Fessenio

My, my! I’d better be careful. Wild beasts can be dangerous.

Polinico

I don’t want to argue with a servant.

Lidio

That’s enough, Fessenio. Come off it.

Fessenio

(to Polinico) Don’t threaten me. I may be just a servant, but even a fly has his rages, and even the smallest hair casts its shadow. Do I make myself clear?

Lidio

Be quiet, Fessenio.

Polinico

(to Fessenio) Let me continue my conversation with Lidio, if you please.

Fessenio

Oh, he’ll do anything for the sake of peace.

Polinico

(ignoring Fessenio) Lidio, God has given us two ears so that we can hear well.

Fessenio

And only one mouth, so as not to talk too much.

Polinico

(to Fessenio) I am not speaking to you. (To Lidio) A bad habit is easy to cure when it is new, but not when it has had time to grow old. Get rid of this passion, I tell you.

Lidio

Why?

Polinico

Ah, me, don’t you know that the companions of love are anger, hatred, enmity, disagreement, ruin, poverty, suspicion, worry, pernicious diseases in the souls of men? Avoid love, avoid it.

Lidio

Ah, Polinico, I cannot.

Polinico

And why?

Fessenio

Damn you anyway, with all your whys and wherefores!

Lidio

Everything is subject to the power of love, and there is no sweetness like that of fulfilling one’s desire: without love there is nothing perfect, nothing virtuous, nothing good.

Fessenio

No one could have said it better.

Polinico

There is no greater vice in a servant than flattery. And you, Lidio, do you listen to him? Listen to me instead.

Fessenio

Yes, listen to him; he’s such a pretty piece of merchandise.

Polinico

Love is like fire, when sulfur or some other vile substance is sprinkled over it, sends off evil odors that suffocate a man.

Fessenio

And when incense, aloes, and amber are sprinkled over it, it makes a fragrance that will revive even the dead.

Lidio

Aha, Polinico is caught in his own trap.

Polinico

Return, Lidio, to what is worthwhile.

Fessenio

What is worthwhile is adjusting to the times.

Polinico

What is worthwhile is what is good and honest. I warn you that this affair is going to turn out badly.

Fessenio

The prophet has spoken!

Polinico

Remember that a virtuous soul is not moved by greed.

Fessenio

Nor discouraged by fear.

Polinico

(to Fessenio) You also do wrong when you know it is arrogance to ridicule the advice of wise men.

Fessenio

At the same time that you call yourself a wise man you christen yourself a fool: you know there is no folly like that of attempting the impossible.

Polinico

It is better to lose, speaking the truth, than to win telling lies.

Fessenio

I tell the truth as well as you, but I don’t go around criticizing everything and everybody the way you: just because you know a few words of Latin you think everyone except yourself is an idiot. You are not Salomon, you know. You never stop to consider that is right for an old man may not be right for a young one; that what is right in time of danger may not be right at ordinary times. You, who are old, cling to the kind of life that old men remember, but you must allow Lidio, who is young, to lead the kind of life that is proper for young men nowadays, and adjust yourself to the idea.

Polinico

It is certainly true that the more servants a man has, the more enemies. This fellow will lead you to the gallows, Lidio, and even if you had no other troubles you would always have a remorseful soul, for there is no torture so great as knowing the mistakes that you have made. Therefore leave this mistress of yours.

Lidio

I can no more leave her than a form can leave its shadow.

Polinico

Indeed, it might be better for you to hate her than to leave her.

Fessenio

Oh, oh! He can’t even carry a calf and you want him to carry an ox.

Polinico

She will leave you soon enough.

Lidio

Oh, all women are not the same.

Polinico

They may not look the same but they have the same nature.

Lidio

You are wrong there.

Polinico

Lidio, don’t be blind: they are all alike, and you cannot believe one even when she is dead.

Fessenio

Now I am beginning to see the light.

Polinico

What’s that?

Fessenio

You are adjusting to the times.

Polinico

I am merely speaking the truth to Lidio. What are you driving at?

Fessenio

I mean that you have made an adjustment to the modern fashion.

Polinico

How so?

Fessenio

In disliking women, as almost everyone at this court does. But when you speak of them in this way, you do them an injustice.

Lidio

Fessenio is right. I cannot approve of what you have said about women; they are the greatest source of goodness and comfort in the world, and without them we would be useless, inadequate, harsh, and like the beasts of the field.

Fessenio

It is necessary to say all this? Everyone knows that women are so desirable that nowadays all the men go about imitating them and would willingly become women both in body and in soul.

Polinico

Such comments do not deserve a reply.

Fessenio

You mean you can’t think of one.

Polinico

Remember Lidio, that you can still get out of this if you try. For your own good, I beg you once more to do so.

Lidio

Polinico, there is nothing in the world that heeds advice less than love, whose nature is such that a man will allow himself to be consumed by it rather than give it up because someone tells him to. So that if you try to make me give up this woman it is like trying to catch a shadow or snare the wind in a net.

Polinico

And this worries me very much. You used to be as easily molded as wax, and now you are headed for the worst kind of trouble. You don’t know what this woman is really like, and I warn you once more: This is all going to end very badly for you.

Lidio

I don’t believe it, and even if it were true, haven’t you taught me in your lessons that the man who dies in love dies happy?

Polinico

Well, I have warned you. Do as you please, and listen to this jackass instead of me: you will soon find out the damage that love can cause.

Fessenio

You have said enough, Polinico. Do you know what damage love causes?

Polinico

What, jackass?

Fessenio

Like a truffle, it causes the fortunes of young men to rise, and old men to fart.

Lidio

Ha, ha, ha!

Polinico

Ah, Lidio, you laugh about it, and pay no attention to what I am trying to say. Well, I shall leave you on your own, and go about my business.

Exit

Fessenio

What a pity. Did you notice how pious he pretends to be, as if we didn’t know he’s the world’s biggest hypocrite? I haven’t been able to get a word in edgewise, and I have good news about Calandro.

Lidio

Let us hear it. It may take some of the sting out of Polinico’s words.

Scene III

Lidio, Fessenio

Lidio

Well, now, tell me what has been going on.

Fessenio

Fulvia’s husband, Calandro –that sheep whom I pretend is my master and whom you are cuckolding– seeing you dressed as a woman and calling yourself Santilla, has been completely taken in and has approached me to see if I could arrange for you to sleep with him: I have arranged it for this very evening.

Lidio

Ho, ho! This is really something. And now that you mention it I remember that the other day, as I was returning from Fulvia dressed as a woman, he followed me for a short distance –I never guessed the reason. Let’s lead him on, shall we?

Fessenio

Leave everything to me. I’ll make him think I’ve done miracles for him, and you may be sure he will believe everything I tell him. I tell him the wildest things in the world and he never once doubts me; he is the world’s biggest simpleton. I could give you a thousand examples, but to make a long story short I will simply say that there is so much nonsense in him that a single speck of it, found in Solomon, Aristotle, or Seneca, would be sufficient to discredit all the wisdom of those men. And the funniest thing of all is that he thinks himself so handsome and so charming that he imagines every woman who sees him falls in love with him, as if he were the most dashing young fellow alive. He is such an ox that it wouldn’t surprise me to see him eat hay, and for this reason it will be easy for us to lead him where we like.

Lidio

Ha, ha, ha! I am going to die of laughter. But tell me, what’s going to happen when he comes up to me, thinking I am a woman?

Fessenio

I’ll take care of that; leave it to me. But look, I see him now, coming our way. Go quickly: he mustn’t see us together.

Scene IV

Calandro, Fessenio

Calandro

Fessenio.

Fessenio

Who’s calling me? Oh, it’s my master.

Calandro

Tell me, what about Santilla?

Fessenio

You say, what about Santilla?

Calandro

Yes.

Fessenio

Well, let’s see... I don’t know for sure, but I think she is wearing a skirt, a blouse, an apron, a pair of gloves, and a pair of slippers.

Calandro

You idiot, I don’t want to know what she is wearing, but how she is.

Fessenio

Oh, I see. You want to know how she is.

Calandro

If you please.

Fessenio

Well, when I saw her a few minutes ago she was... wait, let’s see... she was sitting with her hand up to her chin, listening while I talked to her about you. Her eyes and mouth were wide open, and her little tongue hung out slightly, like this.

Calandro

That’s more like it. So she listened willingly, eh?

Fessenio

Indeed she did. And I have prepared her so that before long you will have your wish.

Calandro

Good for you, dear Fessenio.

Fessenio

I hope it will be.

Calandro

Never doubt it. Oh! Fessenio, give me a hand: I am afraid I don’t feel very well.

Fessenio

Why, what’s the matter, master? Do you have a fever?

Calandro

No, of course not, stupid. It’s Santilla.

Fessenio

Did she hit you?

Calandro

Oh, what a fool you are! I mean I am so much in love that it hurts.

Fessenio

Well, you will soon be with her.

Calandro

What are we waiting for? Let’s go to her now.

Fessenio

Not so fast. There are still a few details I have to attend to.

Calandro

All right, but be as quick as you can.

Fessenio

I will; don’t worry.

Calandro

Don’t forget, now.

Fessenio

(Exit Calandro.) I won’t. You’ll see. Ha, ha, ha! This is quite a situation: both husband and wife are in love with the same person. And now I see Fulvia’s servant, Samia, coming out of the house. Something is going on; I can tell by the look on her face. I’ll talk to her: she knows everything.

Scene V

Fessenio, Samia

Fessenio

Samia, Samia, wait a minute!

Samia

Oh, hello, Fessenio.

Fessenio

What’s going on inside?

Samia

Nothing that’s good for my mistress.

Fessenio

How do you mean?

Samia

She’s in a bad way.

Fessenio

Why, what’s wrong?

Samia

I’d better not say.

Fessenio

Not say what?

Samia

Well, frankly, she’s too anxious.

Fessenio

To do what?

Samia

Well... to enjoy herself with Lidio. Do I make myself clear?

Fessenio

Oh, I knew that as well as you.

Samia

But there is something else you don’t know.

Fessenio

What?

Samia

She is sending me to someone who will make Lidio do as she wishes.

Fessenio

Oh? How will this “someone” make him do that?

Samia

By means of songs.

Fessenio

Songs?

Samia

Yes, sir.

Fessenio

And who is this musician?

Samia

Who said anything about a musician? I said she was sending me to someone who would make Lidio go back to her, or die in the attempt.

Fessenio

Who is this fellow?

Samia

Ruffo the magician, who will do whatever needs to be done.

Fessenio

How does he do that?

Samia

He has a linguistic spirit.

Fessenio

You mean a familiar spirit.

Samia

I don’t understand all these words. All I’m supposed to do is tell the magician to come to my mistress. Good-bye, and don’t tell anyone what I’ve said.

Fessenio

Don’t worry; I won’t. Good-bye.

Scene VI

Samia, Ruffo

Samia

It’s too early to catch Ruffo at his dinner; I’d better look in the piazza to see if he’s there. Oh, what luck! I see him. Ruffo! Don’t you hear me, Ruffo?

Ruffo

(turning around) I hear someone calling me.

Samia

Ruffo, wait a minute!

Ruffo

Who can this woman be?

Samia

Oh, I am all out of breath.

Ruffo

Well, what is it?

Samia

My mistress begs you to go to her right away.

Ruffo

Who is your mistress?

Samia

The lady Fulvia.

Ruffo

Calandro’s wife?

Samia

Yes, sir.

Ruffo

What does she want from me?

Samia

She will tell you.

Ruffo

That’s her house over there, isn’t it?

Samia

Yes, it’s only a few steps. Shall we go?

Ruffo

You go ahead and I’ll follow. (Aside) Could this be one of the many foolish women who think I am a magician and have a familiar spirit, as they call it? I think I know what she wants, so I’ll go to her house before this fellow who is coming this way gets here.

Scene VII

Fessenio, Calandro

Fessenio

Now I see that the gods have their jokes as well as human beings: here is love, who is accustomed to dwell in noble hearts, sticking so firmly to this sheep Calandro that it’s impossible to dislodge him. He must not have much to do, to visit such a baboon.

Calandro

Fessenio, oh, Fessenio!

Fessenio

Who is it? Oh, it’s you, my master.

Calandro

Have you seen Santilla?

Fessenio

I have.

Calandro

How do things look?

Fessenio

You will have your way, and what a morsel! You certainly have good taste. You must do everything you can to win her.

Calandro

I’ll get her, even if I have to go nude and barefoot.

Fessenio

(aside) Just listen to this, all you lovers.

Calandro

If I get her, I shall eat her up.

Fessenio

Eat her up! Ah, Calandro, have a little pity. Wild beasts may eat one another, but men don’t eat women. You’re supposed to drink them, no eat them.

Calandro

Drink them?

Fessenio

Yes, drink them.

Calandro

But how?

Fessenio

Don’t you know?

Calandro

I’m afraid I don’t.

Fessenio

What a pity that a fine-looking fellow like you doesn’t know how to drink women.

Calandro

Come, tell me how.

Fessenio

All right. When you kiss one, don’t you suck her lips?

Calandro

Yes.

Fessenio

And when you drink something, don’t you suck it also?

Calandro

Yes.

Fessenio

Well, then: when you kiss a woman, you suck her lips, so you are drinking her.

Calandro

It does seem so, and yet I have never drunk Fulvia, though I have kissed her many times.

Fessenio

Ah, but that’s because she was kissing you, too. She was sucking your lips at the same time that you were sucking hers, which is why neither of you was drinking the other.

Calandro

You are a clever man, Fessenio. It is true that I never once kissed Fulvia without her kissing me in return.

Fessenio

There, you see?

Calandro

But tell me. I used to know a Spanish girl who was always kissing my hand: did that mean she wanted to drink it?

Fessenio

I’ll tell you a secret. When a Spanish girl kissed you, it isn’t because she loves you; it’s because she wants to drink your hands –or rather to suck the rings on your finger.

Calandro

Fessenio, you know more about women’s secrets!

Fessenio

(aside) Especially your woman’s.

Calandro

That Spanish girl drank two rings of mine. I swear before God that from now on I will never let anybody drink me again.

Fessenio

A wise decision.

Calandro

And I’ll never let anyone kiss me unless I kiss her at the same time.

Fessenio

Yes, do be careful, because if a girl should ever drink your nose, or one of your cheeks, or an eye, you would be the ugliest man in the world.

Calandro

I’ll be careful, all right. Buy be sure to fix it so I can sleep with Santilla.

Fessenio

Leave it to me. I’ll bring it off.

Calandro

And be quiet about it, won’t you?

Fessenio

I am going to see her now, and I’ll be back soon.

Scene VIII

Ruffo, alone

Ruffo

A man should never give up hope: fortune sometimes comes when it is least expected. Fulvia, as I thought, believes I have a familiar spirit. She is passionately in love with a young man, and, every other means having failed, has come to me to see if I can arrange to have him go back to her dressed like a woman. She has promised me money if I can do this, and I think I can because the man she loves is Lidio, a friend of mine from my home town. I also know his servant Fannio, so I shouldn’t have too much trouble. But I haven’t promised her anything; I wanted to talk with Lidio first. The lady Fulvia can make both our fortunes if things go right. I’ll go up to Perillo’s house now, where Lidio is staying. It’s about dinnertime, so he should be there.

Act II

Scene I

Santilla as Lidio, Fannio, a nurse

Santilla

Men are certainly more fortunate than women, and I can bear better witness to this than most women: ever since that day when Modone was burned by the Turks and I dressed as a boy and took my brother’s name, things have gone very well for me. Whereas if I had let it be known that I was a girl, the Turks would have kept me as a slave and not sold me to Perillo, and perhaps Perillo would not have bought me if he had known I was a girl. And now, because he has always been pleased with my behaviour, he wants me to marry his only daughter, whom he plans to leave everything to when he dies. He wants the marriage to take place right away, and therefore I have come to you, nurse, and to you, Fannio, to discuss this thing, which, as you can imagine, causes me some concern.

Fannio

Shh, quiet! –or this woman I see coming toward us will hear.

Scene II

Samia, Santilla as Lidio, Fannio

Samia

My mistress really has it bad. She says she saw Lidio from her window, so she sent me to talk to him. I’ll see if I can draw him aside. Good day, sir.

Santilla

Good day.

Samia

May I have a word alone with you, sir?

Santilla

Who are you?

Samia

You ask me who I am?

Santilla

Naturally, since I don’t know.

Samia

Well, you’ll find out soon enough.

Santilla

What is it you want?

Samia

My mistress begs you to love her as she loves you and says you are to feel free to come to her whenever you wish.

Santilla

I don’t understand. Who is your mistress?

Samia

Ah, Lidio, you want to make fun of me.

Santilla

It is you who are making fun of me.

Samia

It’s certainly odd that you pretend not to know either me or my mistress. Come, what shall I say to her?

Santilla

I am not going to answer you until you explain yourself.

Samia

So you don’t understand me, eh?

Santilla

I don’t understand you; neither do I know you. Nor do I have any desire to. Please be on your way.

Samia

You certainly are discreet. I’ll tell her that much.

Santilla

Tell her what you like, as long as you leave me alone. I’m tired of looking at you.

Samia

You are, are you? You miserable Greek, you’ll go see my mistress if it cost you your life, because she is sending me to the magician, and his spirit will make you do whatever he wants.

Exit

Santilla

Ah, me, this only proves what I was saying: sad indeed is the fortune of us poor women! Things like this only serve to make me realize it.

Fannio

I wish we had got more out of her; it couldn’t have done any harm.

Santilla

My mind was on something more important. But is she had been more willing to talk, I would have shown myself more willing to listen.

Fannio

I know who she is.

Santilla

Who?

Fannio

The servant of Fulvia, a noble Roman lady.

Santilla

Oh, I know who you mean. And Fulvia is a good name for her.

Scene III

Ruffo, Santilla as Lidio, Tiresia, Fannio

Ruffo

Hello there!

Santilla

Whose voice is that?

Ruffo

I have been looking everywhere for you.

Fannio

Hello, Ruffo. What is it?

Ruffo

Good news.

Fannio

Let’s hear it.

Santilla

Wait a minute. (To Tiresia) Tiresia, go to the house, see what Perillo is doing about this wedding of mine, and when Fannio comes there, send him back to me so I can find out what’s going on. Today I am going to keep out of sight, “As long as there is time, there is hope”. Go quickly now. (Exit Tiresia) Now, Ruffo, tell me your good news.

Ruffo

Though I have known you and Fannio only a short time, I have grown quite fond of you. After all, we are from the same home town, aren’t we? And now something has come up that can work to our mutual advantage.

Santilla

We are fond of you, too, Ruffo, and will be happy to help if we can. But what is it?

Ruffo

I’ll be brief. Lidio, a certain woman has fallen in love with you and wants you to return her love. Other means having proved unsuccessful, she has come to me; this is because, since I know a few tricks and can read palms, I have the reputation among women –you know how credulous they are –of being a magician. They think I have a familiar spirit by means of which I can do or undo anything I want. I have allowed them to believe this because sometimes it has proved both useful and pleasant –as it will in the case of this woman, if you cooperate. She wants me to persuade you to go to bed with her, and I, thinking you would be agreeable to the idea, have given her some hope. This is all you have to do –it will make us both rich, and you will have the pleasure of sleeping with her as well.

Santilla

Ruffo, this is a pretty tricky business, and as I have no experience in such things I could easily be made a fool of. I’ll think it over and discuss it with Fannio. But tell me: who is this woman?

Ruffo

Her name is Fulvia. She’s rich, of noble family, and also beautiful.

Fannio

Oh! The mistress of that woman we were just talking to.

Santilla

Yes, she’s the one.

Ruffo

Her maid spoke to you?

Santilla

Just a few minutes ago.

Ruffo

And what did you say?

Santilla

I sent her away with strong words.

Ruffo

Too bad. Well, the next time you talk to her you must be more agreeable, if we are to bring this off.

Santilla

I will.

Fannio

Tell me, Ruffo, when would Lidio have to go to her?

Ruffo

The sooner the better.

Fannio

By day or by night?

Ruffo

By day.

Santilla

Oh, someone would be sure to see me.

Ruffo

She has thought of that. She wants me to have the spirit make him go in the form of a woman.

Fannio

And what good would he be to the lady Fulvia, if your spirit changes him into a woman?

Ruffo

I think she meant dressed like a woman. Anyway, that’s what she said.

Santilla

How very extraordinary! Don’t you think so, Fannio?

Fannio

I do indeed. As a matter of fact I like the idea.

Ruffo

Are we agreed, then?

Santilla

We’ll let you know in just a moment, after we’ve talked it over.

Ruffo

Where shall we meet?

Fannio

Right here.

Santilla

And whoever comes first will wait for the other.

Ruffo

Good enough. See you soon.

Scene IV

Fannio, Santilla as Lidio

Fannio

This makes it easier for you to keep out of sight today, just as you wanted: no one would think of looking for you at Fulvia’s house. And knowing she is a whore, you can buy her silence as often as you please. But what I like best is the humor of the situation. You are a woman, and she wants you to go to her dressed like a woman: thus in satisfying her you will also be disappointing her.

Santilla

Shall we do it?

Fannio

By all means.

Santilla

Very well. Now go home, find out what’s going on, get me the necessary clothes, and meet me at Franzino’s shop. We’ll tell Ruffo we’ll do as he says.

Fannio

You’d better go, too. Here comes someone. Maybe Perillo has sent him to look for you.

Santilla

He’s not one of our men. But you’re right; I mustn’t show myself. Good-bye for now.

Scene V

Fessenio, Fulvia

Fessenio

There’s the lady Fulvia over there. I’ll go and tell her Lidio is determined to go away, just to see how she takes it.

Fulvia

Welcome, dear Fessenio! Tell me, what news of Lidio?

Fessenio

He doesn’t seem to be himself today.

Fulvia

Oh? What’s the matter with him?

Fessenio

He’s taken it into his head to go look for his sister Santilla.

Fulvia

Ah, me. He wants to leave Rome?

Fessenio

He seems set on it.

Fulvia

Dear Fessenio, if you are interested in your own welfare, or in Lidio’s, and if mine means anything to you, you must urge him, persuade him, beg him not to leave on this account. I will search all Italy for this girl, and if we succeed in finding her, I give you my word that I will give her in marriage to Flaminio, my only son.

Fessenio

Do you want me to promise him this?

Fulvia

I have given my word, and I will keep it.

Fessenio

I’m sure he’ll listen willingly to this; it’s a thing that’s certain to please him.

Fulvia

Unless you can help me I am desperate. Plead with him to save my life, for it belongs to him.

Fessenio

I’ll see what I can do. For your sake.

Fulvia

For yours, too, dear Fessenio! Remember that.

Exit

Fessenio

Well, well, may God have pity on her. It’s a good thing that Lidio is planning to pay her a visit today, dressed like a woman as he always does at such times. Though she doesn’t know it, he’s as hot for it as she is. But first I have to attend to Calandro, and there he is now. I’ll tell him everything is ready.

Scene VI

Fessenio, Calandro

Fessenio

Greetings, master! You are in luck, for I bring good news. Give me your hand.

Calandro

My hand –and my foot.

Fessenio

(aside) My, how witty we are today!

Calandro

(grumpily) What’s this news of yours that’s supposed to be so good?

Fessenio

What is it? Why, man, the world is your oyster.

Calandro

What do you mean?

Fessenio

I mean that Santilla loves you even more than you love her, because I told her how generous you are, how good looking, and how wise. And now she is as eager for the bed as you are. I no sooner mentioned your name than she got all excited: you’re going to be the happiest man in all the world.

Calandro

Are you telling me the truth? Ah, I can’t wait to suck those red lips and lovely cheeks, the color of wine and cottage cheese.

Fessenio

(aside) Blood and milk –his favorite diet.

Calandro

Dear Fessenio, you shall name your own reward.

Fessenio

(aside) Such kindness, all of a sudden!

Calandro

Let’s go to her now.

Fessenio

Oh, no, you can’t do that! Do you think she’s a common whore? You will have to do this thing properly.

Calandro

Well then, how am I to go to her?

Fessenio

On your feet.

Calandro

I know that, but in what manner?

Fessenio

If you went there openly, someone would be sure to see you, so we have decided that you must hide in a trunk and let yourself be carried into her room: in that way you can best fulfill your mutual desire.

Calandro

Ah, so I don’t go on my feet after all.

Fessenio

I can see you are a shrewd one. That’s right.

Calandro

It won’t be too uncomfortable, will it, Fessenio?

Fessenio

No, no.

Calandro

Will the trunk be big enough that I can get all of me inside?

Fessenio

What difference does that make? If we can’t get you inside in one piece, we can do it in little pieces.

Calandro

Little pieces? How do you mean?

Fessenio

Just so. Little pieces.

Calandro

But how?

Fessenio

Why, don’t you know?

Calandro

I do not.

Fessenio

If you had ever sailed on a ship, you would. Because when there are hundreds of people that have to be fitted into a boat, the only way it can be done is to take a leg from one, an arm from another, and so on until they are all netly stowed away like any other kind of cargo. That way they don’t take up so much room.

Calandro

But what happens after that?

Fessenio

Why, when they get into port, each person claims the part of him that has been taken away, and sometimes, whether through carelessness or malice, a man will take a limb that belongs to someone else: that’s bad, because it’s either too big or too small, which makes him look crippled and lopsided. Now do you understand?

Calandro

I do, and I shall take care that my member is not exchanged for someone else’s.

Fessenio

If you don’t exchange it yourself, no one else is going to: that’s for certain. Anyway, you’ll be all alone in there. Of course you may have to be divided up before we can fit you in.

Calandro

Where are the best places to divide a man?

Fessenio

Why, wherever you see a bulge or a prominence of some kind, like up here, or down here. Would you like to see how it’s done?

Calandro

If you please.

Fessenio

There’s nothing to it, just a bit of magic. You have to repeat what I say, but in a low voice, because if you should shout, everything would be spoiled.

Calandro

All right.

Fessenio

First we’ll start with your hand. Give it to me, and repeat after me: Ambracullac.

Calandro

Anculabrac.

Fessenio

(tugging his arm) You said it wrong. Try again: Ambracullac.

Calandro

Alabrucuc.

Fessenio

(again tugging his arm) That’s even worse. Ambracullac.

Calandro

Alucumbrac.

Fessenio

No, no, no! look, say: Am.

Calandro

Am.

Fessenio

Bra.

Calandro

Bra.

Fessenio

Cul.

Calandro

Cul.

Fessenio

Lac.

Calandro

Lac.

Fessenio

Stupid.

Calandro

Stupid.

Fessenio

Ox.

Calandro

Ox.

Fessenio

Now.

Calandro

Now.

Fessenio

You’re.

Calandro

Yo’re.

Fessenio

Going.

Calandro

Going.

Fessenio

To.

Calandro

To.

Fessenio

(Twisting his arm violently.) Get it!

Calandro

Ouch! Oh, my poor arm.

Fessenio

Didn’t I tell you not to raise your voice? I never saw anyone with such a short memory and so little patience. Now you have broken the spell.

Calandro

And you have broken my arm.

Fessenio

It’s no use. We won’t be able to divide you up.

Calandro

How shall we manage, then?

Fessenio

I’ll have to find a truck big enough to hold you as you are.

Calandro

I hope you can, because I don’t like all this dividing. My arm is killing me.

Fessenio

I’ll go look for one now.

Calandro

And I’ll go to the marketplace and come right back.

Exit

Fessenio

Now I must find Lidio and tell him about this: it’s so funny we’ll be supplied with laughs the rest of the year. I’m going now because I don’t want to have to talk with Samia, whom I see over there muttering to herself.

Scene VII

Samia, Fulvia

Samia

Ah, me, such is life! It hasn’t been more than a month since Lidio wanted to spend every minute with my mistress, and now, when he sees how much she is in love with him, he pays her no attention. If we don’t find some way out of this, I don’t know what Fulvia will do; she might cause a scandal, and I have a feeling that Calandro’s brother already suspect something . Heaven knows it’s obvious enough: all she thinks about is Lidio. How true it is that he who has love in his heart has spurs in his side!

Fulvia

Samia!

Samia

Coming!

Scene VIII

Santilla as Lidio, Fannio

Santilla

Tiresia told you this?

Fannio

Yes.

Santilla

They are taking the wedding for granted?

Fannio

They are.

Santilla

Does Virginia seem happy about it?

Fannio

She can hardly wait.

Santilla

They are getting everything ready, then?

Fannio

Yes, indeed; they have turned the house upside down.

Santilla

They think I am pleased?

Fannio

Evidently.

Santilla

Ah, me! What causes others to be happy causes me nothing but pain. The affection that Perillo and his wife have for me hurts like a sharp arrow: I can’t do what they want, but neither can I do what would be best for myself. Oh, if God had only given me death instead of life, and a grave instead of a cradle when I came out of my mother’s womb, then this situation would never have arisen: my fortune would have ended where it began. Oh, my poor brother, you who met with such an untimely death in our fatherland (or so at least I believe), if only you were here to advise me! What is poor Santilla going to do now –since henceforth I must call myself Santilla and not Lidio? I am a woman, yet I must also be a bridegroom! If I marry Virginia, they will find out I am a woman and not a man: they will turn me out and might even have me put to death. And if I refuse to marry her, they will also turn me out, with their curses. If I reveal myself now to be a woman, I would only bring harm upon myself. I can’t stand much more of this, though. A cliff on one side, wolves on the other!

Fannio

Don’t give up hope; something may yet turn up. I think you are right to keep out of Perillo’s sight, and this idea of Ruffo’s for you to go to Fulvia in women’s clothes is a good one. I have them all ready for you. We must do one thing at a time, as they come.

Santilla

I wonder what is keeping Ruffo.

Fannio

Remember what we said: whoever came first was to wait for the others.

Santilla

We’d better not stay here, or that fellow over there might see us. He may have been sent by Perillo, though I doubt it.

Scene IX

Fessenio, Calandro

Fessenio

Things couldn’t possibly work out better. Lidio is dressing up as a woman, and Calandro is waiting for him in a room on the first floor of his house. Lidio, looking simply irresistible, will visit him there, and then when the old fool’s back is turned, we’ll slip in a Prostitute through the back door to take his place. He’s such a fool that he can’t tell a nightingale from a jackass, and will never know the difference. Here he comes now; see how happy he looks. God bless you, master.

Calandro

And you, too, dear Fessenio. Is the trunk ready?

Fessenio

Yes, and it’s so big you won’t even get your hair mussed.

Calandro

That’s fine. But tell me something.

Fessenio

Yes?

Calandro

Should I stay awake in the trunk, or go to sleep?

Fessenio

What do you mean, awake or asleep? Don’t you know that when you are on a horse you ride, when you are in the streets you walk, when at table you eat, when in bed you sleep, and when you are in a trunk you die?

Calandro

Die? What do you mean?

Fessenio

Just that. Die, Why?

Calandro

Damn! That’s not so good.

Fessenio

Didn’t you ever die before?

Calandro

Not that I know of.

Fessenio

Then if you’ve never been dead, how do you know it’s so bad?

Calandro

Did you ever die?

Fessenio

Oh, yes! Thousands of times.

Calandro

Does it hurt?

Fessenio

No more than sleeping.

Calandro

Do I absolutely have to die?

Fessenio

Absolutely, when you get in the trunk.

Calandro

But who will kill me?

Fessenio

You will have to do it yourself.

Calandro

And how do I go about it?

Fessenio

There’s nothing to it. But since you don’t know, I’ll tell you.

Calandro

If you please.

Fessenio

You close your eyes, clench your hands together, twist your arms, and then keep very still and very quiet. Finally you neither see nor hear anything.

Calandro

I see. But how do I come back to life?

Fessenio

That’s one of the greatest secrets in the whole world; hardly anybody knows it. I wouldn’t tell it to anyone but you, and you must swear not to repeat it to a single soul.

Calandro

I swear I won’t tell it to anybody, not even to myself.

Fessenio

Oh, it’s all right to tell it to yourself –but only to one ear, not to both.

Calandro

Promised. Now tell it to me.

Fessenio

Well, Calandro, you know that the only difference between the dead and the living is that the living move around and the dead do not. And if you do exactly as I say, you will come back to life all right.

Calandro

Tell me how.

Fessenio

First you must raise your head and spit straight up in the air, then you give your whole body a shake. Next you open your eyes, say a few words, and move your arms and legs. That always chases death away, and you may be sure, Calandro, that whoever is able to do this is never dead. Now you are in possession of one of the world’s greatest secrets.

Calandro

I appreciate your confidence. Now I die and come back to life whenever I like.

Fessenio

That you can, master.

Calandro

And I’ll be careful to do it exactly right.

Fessenio

I’m sure you will.

Calandro

Shall I try it once, just to make sure?

Fessenio

A good idea. Are you ready?

Calandro

Yes.

Fessenio

Make an ugly face. Uglier still. There! A fine corpse if ever I saw one. There’s nothing like a little know-how. Who would ever have thought this man would learn to die so well? At least he looks dead on the outside: if he’s as dead on the inside as he is on the outside, it’s a perfect job. We’ll see. (Makes magical motions) Calandro! Oh, Calandro!

Calandro

(weakly) I’m dead. I am dead.

Fessenio

Come back to life, Calandro. Spit in the air.

Calandro

(sighing) Ah, ah. You should have let me alone.

Fessenio

Why?

Calandro

I was just beginning to see the next world.

Fessenio

You’ll have plenty of time to see it in the trunk.

Calandro

I can hardly wait.

Fessenio

That’s the right spirit. Now that you know how to die and come back to life so well, we mustn’t waste time.

Calandro

That’s right. Are we ready?

Fessenio

Not quite. We have to make sure that your wife doesn’t suspect anything. You tell her you are going to the country, and go instead to Menicuccio’s house. I’ll have everything ready and meet you there.

Calandro

All right. I’ll do it now, since the beast is ready.

Fessenio

(Inspects Calandro’s lower parts) It’s ready, is it? Let’s have a look.

Calandro

Ha, ha! I mean my mule is ready.

Fessenio

I knew what you meant; I was only joking.

Calandro

It’s been a long time since I was in the saddle, but I’d do anything for that little angel that’s waiting for me up there.

Exit

Fessenio

Angle, eh? Today we’re going to see stupidity joined to filth. He’s gone now to mount his mule, and I’ll go tell that pretty little Prostitute to get everything ready and wait for me. There is Calandro, already in the saddle. What a lot of strength there must be in that little mule to carry such a stupid old elephant!

Scene X

Calandro, Fulvia

Calandro

Fulvia.

Fulvia

What is it?

Calandro

Come to the window.

Fulvia

What do you want?

Calandro

I’m going to the farm, to see Flaminio.

Fulvia

When are you coming back?

Calandro

Maybe tonight sometime.

Fulvia

All right. Good-bye. (Exit Calandro) And bad luck! A fine husband my brothers married me off to! I can’t stand the sight of him.

Act III

Scene I

Fessenio, alone

Fessenio

Ladies and gentlemen, we have here the spoils of love: whoever wants to acquire politeness, insight, and knowledge need only buy these clothes and wear them awhile. They belong to Calandro, who took them off when he got into the trunk –a man so clever that he has fallen in love with another man, believing him a woman, and so powerful that he can die and come back to life as he chooses. Let whoever wants to buy them show the color of his money: I can sell them with a clear conscience as they belong to a dead man. Ha, ha! And now Lidio, dressed as a woman, is waiting merrily for this handsome lover, who, to tell truth, is uglier than Bramante himself. I ran ahead to meet the Prostitute that I made an appointment with; she is going to cooperate. Here she is now, and there is the porter with the trunk, which he believes is full of precious merchandise: he doesn’t know that it contains the vilest stuff on earth. Doesn’t anybody want these clothes? No? Well, good-bye then. Be of good cheer: I am going to lead the gelding to the mare.

Scene II

A Prostitute, Fessenio, a porter, two or three customs inspectors, Calandro

Prostitute

Here I am, Fessenio. Let’s go.

Fessenio

Let the trunk go first. No, porter, not that way. Over here.

Prostitute

What’s inside?

Fessenio

Something for you, pettikins.

Prostitute

What is it?

Fessenio

Silks and fine clothes.

Prostitute

Whose are they?

Fessenio

They belong to the man you are going to entertain, my dear.

Prostitute

Oh, will he give some of them to me?

Fessenio

Yes, if you do what I said.

Prostitute

I will. Don’t you worry.

Fessenio

Remember that your name is Santilla, and everything else I told you.

Prostitute

Leave everything to me.

Fessenio

Otherwise you won’t get a penny.

Prostitute

I say don’t worry. What do these customs inspectors want with the porter?

Fessenio

Quiet! And listen.

Prostitute

Tell me, what’s inside that trunk?

Porter

Why, what’s the matter?

Inspector

Have you passed the customs?

Porter

No, sir.

Inspector

What’s inside?

Porter

I don’t know.

Inspector

Better tell the truth.

Porter

They told me it was silk. Dresses and such as that.

Inspector

Silk?

Porter

Yes, sir.

Inspector

Is it locked?

Porter

I don’t think so.

Inspector

Set in down.

Porter

Ah no, sir.

Inspector

Set in down, stupid. Do you want me to hit you?

Porter

Oh, oh! Our plan is spoiled. He is going to find out everything, and we shall all be ruined.

Prostitute

What’s the matter?

Fessenio

Our plain is spoiled. (To Prostitute) Sofilla, you must help me.

Prostitute

What can I do?

Fessenio

Cry, shout, tear your hair, as if you were mourning for someone.

Prostitute

But why?

Fessenio

You will soon find out.

Prostitute

(weeping loudly) Boohoo! Boohoo!

Inspector

What’s this? Somebody dead?

Fessenio

(approaching, to Inspector) What are you looking for?

Inspector

The porter told us this trunk contained dutiable merchandise, instead of which it seems to contain a corpse.

Fessenio

That’s right, It does.

Inspector

Who is it?

Fessenio

It’s this poor woman’s husband. Don’t you see how hard she is taking it?

Inspector

Why are you carrying him in a trunk?

Fessenio

To fool the police, if you must know.

Inspector

To fool the police? Why?

Fessenio

Because no one would have anything to do with us if they found out the truth.

Inspector

What is the truth?

Fessenio

This man in dead of the plague.

Inspector

The plague! Oh, and I touched it!

Fessenio

To your harm, I fear.

Inspector

Where are you taking him?

Fessenio

Someplace we can bury him, or drop him in the river.

Calandro

(sitting up in trunk) You want to drown me, do you? But I’m not dead, you rascals. I’m not dead, I say!

Fessenio

Oh, everyone is running away, and no wonder: this is the work of the devil. Run, Sofilla! Run, porter! Run, everybody!

Scene III

Calandro, Fessenio

Calandro

(emerging from trunk, striking Fessenio) So you wanted to drown me, did you, you wretch?

Fessenio

Why, master, what’s the matter? Why do you want to hit me?

Calandro

You want to know why, do you?

Fessenio

Yes, sir.

Calandro

Because you deserve it, you scoundrel. That’s why.

Fessenio

This is what comes of trying to do a good deed. Are you angry with me because I have saved your life?

Calandro

And how did you save mi life, may I ask?

Fessenio

Why, I kept you from going to the customhouse, didn’t I?

Calandro

And suppose I had gone there, what would have happened?

Fessenio

What would have happened? I should have let them carry you there –then you’d have seen.

Calandro

What the devil do you mean?

Fessenio

You act as if you were born yesterday. You were being smuggled: they would have sold you just as they do everything that’s smuggled.

Calandro

Well, then, you did right after all. Forgive me, Fessenio.

Fessenio

(arranging his clothes, which Calandro has rumpled) Next time I hope you think twice before you get angry. (Aside) I’ll get even with him for this.

Calandro

I will. But tell me, who was that ugly-looking woman who ran away just now?

Fessenio

Ah, don’t you know her?

Calandro

No.

Fessenio

That was death, who was with you in the trunk.

Calandro

With me? What do you mean?

Fessenio

Just that. With you.

Calandro

I didn’t see her there.

Fessenio

You don’t see sleep either, do you, when you are sleeping? Or thirst when you drink, or hunger when you eat? You don’t see life either, for that matter, although you are alive. But it is with you just the same.

Calandro

It’s true I have never seen these things.

Fessenio

Exactly. And when you die, you don’t see death.

Calandro

H’m. Why did the porter run away?

Fessenio

He was afraid of death. So I’m afraid you won’t be able to see Santilla today.

Calandro

Then I might as well be dead.

Fessenio

I don’t know how I can arrange it now –unless you are willing to do a little work.

Calandro

Fessenio, I’ll do anything to see her. I’ll even go to bed barefoot.

Fessenio

Oh, no, nothing like that.

Calandro

What, then?

Fessenio

You’ll have to be the porter yourself. Nobody will be able to tell the difference: you’ve already taken for a short time, your face has changed somewhat, too. I’ll pretend I’m the carpenter who made the trunk. Don’t worry about Santilla. She’ll put two and two together immediately: she’s a regular sibyl.

Calandro

A good idea. I would do anything to gain Santilla’s love.

Fessenio

(aside) Did you ever see such an anxious lover? (Calandro lifts the trunk with difficulty.) Look out, you’re going to drop it! There, that’s it. Steady now. Are you sure you’re all right?

Calandro

(groaning) Fine.

Fessenio

Well then, carry it to her house. I’ll follow and meet you at the door. (Exit Calandro.) That jackass’s load is becoming to him. Now I have to find the Prostitute and lead her into the house by the back door. I’m afraid Lidio may have to let Calandro kiss him, but no matter –Fulvia’s kisses will then seem all the sweeter. Here comes Samia. She didn’t see Calandro talking with me –fortunatley.

Scene IV

Fessenio, Samia

Fessenio

Where have you been?

Samia

To Ruffo the magician. My mistress sent me.

Fessenio

What did he say?

Samia

That he was coming to see her.

Fessenio

My, my, women are so silly. Well, I have to go find Lidio and tell him what your mistress asked me to.

Samia

Is he at home?

Fessenio

Yes.

Samia

What do you think he will do?

Fessenio

Frankly, I’m not too hopeful. But I can’t say for sure.

Samia

Things certainly don’t seem to be turning out very well for my mistress and me. Well, good-bye.

Fessenio

Good-bye.

Scene V

Samia, Fulvia

Samia

My mistress is not going to like this. Neither Lidio nor Ruffo’s familiar spirit has given her much encouragement.

Fulvia

Why were you gone so long?

Samia

I wasn’t able to find Ruffo until just now.

Fulvia

What does he say?

Samia

That the spirit answered him... how was it? I don’t remember.

Fulvia

You goose-brain, you’d better remember!

Samia

Oh, yes, now it is coming back to me. He said he made an ambiguous reply.

Fulvia

You mean ambiguous?

Samia

Yes, that’s it. Ambiguous.

Fulvia

He said nothing else?

Samia

That he was going to try again.

Fulvia

Anything else?

Samia

That he was at your service and that as soon as he had anything good to report, he would come here right away.

Fulvia

Ah, me! That’s not so good. But what about Lidio?

Samia

He thinks about as much of you as he would a pair of old shoes.

Fulvia

Did you find him?

Samia

Yes, and talked with him, too.

Fulvia

Well, what did he say?

Samia

You won’t like it.

Fulvia

Ah, me! Tell me anyway.

Samia

He pretends he never met you.

Fulvia

What are you saying?

Samia

That’s the way it is.

Fulvia

How could you have understood him to say such a thing?

Samia

He spoke to me in a way that frightened me.

Fulvia

Maybe he was joking with you.

Samia

No, my lady. He was insulting.

Fulvia

Maybe you didn’t talk to him right.

Samia

Bo, my lady. You should never have sent me.

Fulvia

Maybe someone was with him, eh?

Samia

I took him aside.

Fulvia

Maybe you talked too loud.

Samia

I whispered into his ear.

Fulvia

But what did he say?

Samia

He drove me away.

Fulvia

He doesn’t love me anymore, then. Is that it?

Samia

No, nor respect you either.

Fulvia

You really think so?

Samia

I know it.

Fulvia

Alas, can I believe my own ears?

Samia

You can, my lady.

Fulvia

He didn’t ask you how I was.

Samia

He said he never heard of you.

Fulvia

So he’s forgotten me, has he?

Samia

You’re lucky that he doesn’t hate you.

Fulvia

How unhappy I am! I know now for certain that Lidio is unfaithful. How sad is the destiny of women! And how few women find lovers who are completely satisfactory! Poor me, I loved too deeply and gave so much of myself that I am no longer my own mistress! Cruel heavens, why don’t you make Lidio love me as I love him, or let me run away from him as he runs away from me? But what am I thinking of? –Not to love Lidio, and to run away from him? Ah, no, I can’t do that, nor do I want to. On the contrary, I am going to seek him out. Why, since he has come to me so often in women’s clothes, shouldn’t I, just this once, try going to him dressed like a man? It’s reasonable enough, and he might even appreciate my going to such trouble on his account. Why don’t I do it then? I there any reason why I should pine away like this? There is no pain like that of a woman who has wasted her youth, and whoever thinks that once it’s gone you can get it back is mistaken. When will I ever find another Lidio? A man like that is worth any amount of trouble. And now is the right time, because he’s at home and my husband is away at the farm. Who dares to stop me then? My mind is made up; I shall do it. I didn’t think that magician was going to do much good anyway. The best way to get something done is to do it yourself. Others do it at their own convenience and never take the same interest. If I go to him myself, he will see my tears, hear my sobs, and listen to my prayers: I shall throw myself at his feet, hug him around the neck, and pretend to die. No one could be so cruel as not to take pity on me then. No one hearing words of love spoken straight from the heart could possibly be indifferent to them, and in love all things are possible. Therefore I am going to dress myself up like a man and go to him. Samia, you stay here at the door and don’t let anyone linger in front of the house: if somebody sees me coming out, they might recognize me.

Scene VI

Samia, Fulvia

Samia

How unhappy we poor women are! When we fall in love, we are done for. Fulvia, who was always so prudent, doesn’t know what she’s doing now that she’s in love with Lidio. Since hw won’t come to her, she has decided to go to him dressed like a man, never thinking of what might happen if she were discovered. Well, she ought to be satisfied now: she’s given him everything, including her honour and her body, and he thinks no more of her than of the dirt under his feet. Our sex is truly to be pitied. Here she is already, rigged out in men’s clothes. It didn’t take her long.

Fulvia

Well, Samia, I am of to find Lidio. You stay here and keep the door locked until I come back. Do you understand?

Samia

Yes, my lady. But do be careful.

Scene VII

Fulvia, alone

Fulvia

Love can make a person do anything. I used to be so timid I was afraid to leave my room alone, and now, moved by love, I don’t even hesitate to leave the house alone in men’s clothing. I am going straight to Lidio’s house, though it’s a good distance, and I’ll make him listen to me. No one will be there except the old woman who waits on him and maybe Fessenio, who knows everything anyway. No one will recognize me; I don’t have anything to worry about. And even be sorry than not to act and be sorry; nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Scene VIII

Samia, alone

Samia

She is gone to seek her pleasure. I was wrong to blame her, for he who is indifferent to love is no better than a beast of the field. I am never so happy myself as when I am with my lover Lusco, who is waiting for me now in the courtyard. We’ll have the whole house to ourselves. I’ll follow my mistress’ example: a person’s a fool not to take his pleasure when the opportunity comes along. (Calling.) Lusco! Oh, Lusco!

Scene IX

Fessenio

Calandro is with the Prostitute now; they’ll have some pretty secrets between them. I must tell Fulvia what’s going on –she will die laughing. And no wonder! It’s enough to make a dead man laugh. (Approaches Calandro’s house, knocks.) H’m. The door seems to be locked. Hello there! Anybody home?

Scene X

Fessenio outside Calandro’s house, Samia inside

Fessenio

(knocking) Anybody there? Can’t you hear me? Open up!

Samia

Who’s knocking?

Fessenio

It’s me, Fessenio. Let me come in, Samia.

Samia

Wait a minute.

Fessenio

What’s the matter? Why don’t you open the door?

Samia

I’m trying to put the key in the lock.

Fessenio

Haven’t you got in yet?

Samia

I’m trying. Oh, it’s no use. I can’t do it.

Fessenio

Why not?

Samia

The hole is stopped up.

Fessenio

Blow on the key.

Samia

I’m doing the best I can.

Fessenio

Why are you taking so long?

Samia

I have it nice and wer now; it ought to do the trick.

Fessenio

Well, hurry up.

Samia

There, you hear? It’s unlocked now; you can come in.

Fessenio

Why do you have everything locked up like this?

Samia

My mistress’ orders. She wanted the door locked.

Fessenio

Why?

Samia

With you I can talk freely. She has gone to Lidio dressed like a man.

Fessenio

Samia! You don’t mean it?

Samia

I do indeed. I’m supposed to stay here and keep everything locked up until she comes back.

Scene XI

Fessenio, alone

Fessenio

Truly there is nothing too dangerous or too foolish for a lover to attempt: here Fulvia has gone to Lidio’s house, not knowing that her husband is also there. He is bound to believe the worst, seeing her there alone and dressed like a man. He’ll be so furious he may notify her relatives. I’d better hurry to see if there is something I can do. Oh, heavens, here comes Fulvia now, and she has Calandro with her, leading him by the collar. I’ll step aside and listen; that away I’ll find out what has happened.

Scene XII

Fulvia, Calandro

Fulvia

So you were going to the farm, were you? You miserable creature, don’t you have enough to do at home that you go prowling around like this? And to think that this is the man I have given my love to and remained faithful to all these years! Now I know why you have been keeping away from me the last few night: you’ve been saving your energy. I don’t know how I keep myself from tearing your eyes out. Did you think you could pull the wool over my eyes so easily? I heard about it before this, and that’s why I dressed myself up like this –to find out for myself if it was true. And now I’m leading you by the collar, like the dirty dog you are, so that all the world can see and take pity on me who have had to put up with your outrages. Do you suppose that if I were like you, and didn’t care what I did, I couldn’t have a good time, too? I’m not as old or as ugly as all that. And it’s only because I have some self-respect that I didn’t revenge myself on that woman I found you with. But I’m not finished yet: I’m going to get even with you both.

Calandro

Have you finished?

Fulvia

Yes.

Calandro

Than, damn you, I’m the one who ought to be angry. I was enjoying a paradise on earth when you came along and spoiled everything. You are not worth one of her old shoes, for at least she knows how to make love. Her lips are sweeter than wine, she shines brighter than Diana, and she has the wisdom of a Fata Morgana. And if you do her harm, you had better watch out.

Fulvia

That’s enough out of you. Inside the house! Inside, I say!

Scene XIII

Fessenio, alone

Fessenio

Well, well, live and learn. O love, how great is your power! What poet, what doctor, what philosopher can hope to rival you as teacher? All knowledge, all doctrine is secondary to yours. What else but love would have enabled Fulvia, in so tight a spot, to act so intelligently? I never saw anything like it. There she is over there, standing in her doorway. I’ll say something encouraging to her about Lidio –that’ll cheer her up. Poor thing! I feel sorry for her.

Scene XIV

Fulvia, Fessenio, Samia

Fulvia

Ah, Fessenio, see how unlucky I’ve been –to find instead of Lidio, that wretched husband of mine. But I got out of it all right.

Fessenio

I know; I heard everything. Don’t show yourself too plainly –somebody might see you in those clothes. There, that’s better.

Fulvia

You are right. I don’t seem to be able to think about anything but Lidio. Tell me, dear Fessenio, have you seen him?

Fessenio

Yes, my lady.

Fulvia

Recently?

Fessenio

I have, my lady.

Fulvia

What does he say?

Fessenio

He’s not going to leave Rome right away.

Fulvia

But when will I be able to speak with him?

Fessenio

Maybe today. I was on my way to talk with him when I saw you and Calandro.

Fulvia

Try once more, dear Fessenio. For us both.

Fessenio

I’ll see what I can do. Meanwhile try not to worry.

Fulvia

Try not to worry, eh? That’s a good one. I won’t have a moment’s peace till you get back.

Fessenio

Good-bye, my lady.

Fulvia

Good-bye, Fessenio, and don’t be long. (Exit Fessenio.) This suspense is killing me. Samia, tell me what I ought to do.

Samia

Maybe Ruffo’s spirit will be able to think of something.

Fulvia

He’s certainly takin his time about it. Samia, go and see the magician again.

Samia

Very well, my lady.

Fulvia

Remind him that we are waiting, and come back at once.

Samia

Just as soon as I find him, my lady.

Scene XV

Samia, Ruffo

Samia

Oh, what luck! There is Ruffo. God bless you, sir.

Ruffo

Hello, Samia, What is it?

Samia

My mistress is dying to know if you have any news for her.

Ruffo

I believe everything is going to be all right.

Samia

But when?

Ruffo

I am going to make a complete report to Fulvia.

Samia

All this is taking so long.

Ruffo

Samia, there are some things that can’t be rushed. The stars have to be just right, and I have to find the right magical words; then I have to gather herbs, rocks, and water from various wells. Finally I have to summon my familiar spirit. All these things naturally take time.

Samia

Weel, as long as it works in the long run.

Ruffo

There is every reason for hope.

Samia

(looking offstage) Oh, oh! Do you know who her lover is?

Ruffo

Not for sure.

Samia

(pointing to Santilla as Lidio, who has just appeared) It’s that man over there.

Ruffo

Do you know him well?

Samia

I should think so. Less than two hours ago I was talking with him.

Ruffo

What did he have to say?

Samia

He acted as if I were some sort of criminal.

Ruffo

Go try again: see if the spirit hasn’t softened him up a bit.

Samia

Shall I?

Ruffo

By all means.

Samia

Well, I’ll try.

Ruffo

After you talk with him, go back to Fulvia and tell her I’m coming to see her right away.

Samia

Yes, sir.

Ruffo

(aside) I’ll step aside and listen to this conversation.

Scene XVI

Fannio, Santilla as Lidio, Samia

Fannio

Oh, Lidio, here is Fulvia’s maid coming toward us. Remember that her name is Samia, and be nice to her.

Santilla

I intend to.

Samia

Well, sir, are you still upset?

Santilla

No, no, not at all. Samia, I hope you’ll forgive me. The last time I saw you I had something on my mind; I wasn’t my usual self. How is my beloved Fulvia?

Samia

Do you really want to know?

Santilla

Indeed I do.

Samia

She wants you to give her your heart.

Santilla

I can’t do that.

Samia

Why not?

Santilla

Don’t you know that it already belongs to her?

Samia

God only knows if you are telling the truth. First you couldn’t even remember her, and now you want me to believe that she is your only love –as if I didn’t know that you don’t love her and don’t want to go near her.

Santilla

On the contrary, until I see her again I am as good as dead.

Samia

The spirit certainly seems to have done a good job. So you will go to see her as usual?

Santilla

As usual? How do you mean?

Samia

Why, dressed as a woman.

Santilla

Ah, yes, of course. Dressed like a woman. Yes, of course. Tell her that.

Samia

Oh, sir, that will make her so happy! I’d better not linger here any longer, and I’ll take the back street home. It wouldn’t do for anybody to see me talking to you and then going back to lady Fulvia. Good-bye, sir.

Santilla

Good-bye.

Scene XVII

Santilla as Lidio, Fannio, Ruffo

Santilla

Did you hear that?

Fannio

Yes, and I heard that “as usual”, too. It’s obvious she’s mistaking you for someone else.

Santilla

It seems so.

Fannio

We’d better tell Ruffo about this. Here he is now.

Ruffo

Well, gentlemen, have you made up your minds?

Santilla

You don’t think we’d let something like that slip through our fingers, do you?

Ruffo

Aha, our friend has reconsidered. Well, you are right, Ruffo, because she’s a great beauty.

Santilla

I know all about her.

Fannio

(to Santilla) You are sure to again some pleasure from it.

Ruffo

And profit as welll.

Fannio

Ruffo, if I understand you correctly, you said that Fulvia came to you, other means having failed, from which I gather that she has tried other means. From something that happened today, we have reason to believe that Lidio has been mistaken by her –and by her maid as well –for someone else. Therefore it will be necessary, as a precaution, for you to tell her to make no reference to what has happened in the past. Otherwise she would find out everything, and there would be a terrible scandal. Be sure to warn her of this.

Ruffo

You were wise to think of this precaution, and I’ll not forget to do as you say. Well, we’re wasting time here; let’s get this thing started. I’d better go to her first.

Santilla

We’ll meet you here when you come back.

Fannio

Lidio, you go ahead. I’ll be along in a minute.
(Exit Santilla.) Ruffo, let me have a word with you.

Fannio

I’am going to tell you a secret. You’d never guess it, no matter how hard you tried. But you must promise not to tell it to a single soul.

Ruffo

May God deny my every wish, if I ever breathe a word of it.

Fannio

If you do, I will be ruined, and you would not gain the reward you expect.

Ruffo

Don’t worry. What is it?

Fannio

My master, Lidio, is a hermaphrodite.

Ruffo

A hermaphrodite. Well, what of it?

Fannio

Not hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. Heavens, how dense you are!

Ruffo

What does that mean?

Fannio

Don’t you know?

Ruffo

No; that’s why I ask.

Fannio

A hermaphrodite is someone who is half man and half woman.

Ruffo

Is Lidio like that?

Fannio

He is.

Ruffo

You mean he has the sex organs of a woman and the sex organs of a man, too?

Fannio

Yes, sir.

Ruffo

Come to think of it, I always thought there was something a little effeminate in his voice and manner.

Fannio

This first time, therefore, he will use only the woman’s organs with Fulvia. She will think that this is because she asked him to come in the form of a woman; she’ll think the spirit did this to please her, and she’ll have so much faith in his power that she will worship you forever, for being his master.

Ruffo

This is one of the best schemes I have ever heard: we stand to make a fortune.

Fannio

Is the woman generous?

Ruffo

I should think so! True lovers, you know, share everything they have –money, clothes, livestock, everything. A woman who loves as deeply as the lady Fulvia would even give her life.

Fannio

What you say please me.

Ruffo

As what you have told me about that hermaphrodite please me.

Fannio

I’m glad you can’t pronounce that word, because even if you wanted to repeat it you couldn’t.

Ruffo

Better go to Lidio’s now and get yourselves dressed up. I’ll tell Fulvia she can expect him.

Fannio

I’m to go as my master’s maid. Right?

Ruffo

Right. And be sure to be ready when I come back.

Fannio

I will. It’s a good thing I have the necessary clothes.

Scene XVIII

Ruffo, Samia

Ruffo

So far things couldn’t have worked out better. By now Samia has probably spoken with Fulvia, and she’ll be waiting for me. I’ll tell her the spirit has arranged everything; then I’ll give her this image and tell her to say certain words and make certain gestures before it, that this will bring about what she wants, and I shall warn her not to say a word about it to anyone except her maid. Ah, I see Samia now, standing in the doorway.

Samia

Come in, Ruffo. My mistress is waiting for you downstairs, because her sheep of a husband is upstairs.

Scene XIX

Samia, Fessenio

Samia

What is it, Fessenio?

Fessenio

I have to see the lady Fulvia.

Samia

She can’t see you now.

Fessenio

Why not?

Samia

She’s with the magician.

Fessenio

Let me in anyway.

Samia

No, I can’t.

Fessenio

Women are such fools.

Samia

Maybe yours are.

Fessenio

It’s a good thing I know how to hold my temper. I’ll take a walk and come back later.

Samia

That’s a good idea.

Exit

Fessenio

If Fulvia knew what I knew, she wouldn’t worry about spirits. Lidio yearns for her even more than she does for him; he wants to see her this very day. But I want to be the one to tell her this, because I know she’ll give me something. I’m not going to let Samia do it; that’s why I didn’t tell her anything. But I must go now: if Fulvia were to see me, she might think I came to see her magician, who must be that man I see coming out of the house.

Scene XX

Ruffo, alone

Ruffo

Everything is going beautifully. Fulvia has given me a nice sum of money; at this rate my fortune will soon be made, and then good-bye to these rags. What a stroke of luck! This is a rich woman and, unless I am badly mistaken, more in love than she is wise. She’ll have need of me again, unless I miss my guess. Isn’t it strange how people’s dreams sometimes come true? Last night I dreamed I caught a pheasant. I pulled the pretty feathers from his tail and stuck them in my cap. If the lady Fulvia lets herself be caught like this, as I think she will, I’ll pluck her likewise. Then I’ll be well off for a while, at least, and I’ll know how to make the most of that. But who is that woman I see waving to me? I don’t know her.

Scene XXI

Ruffo, Fannio in women’s dress

Ruffo

Fannio! Your disguise is so good I didn’t recognize you.

Fannio

Am I pretty?

Ruffo

Yes, indeed. And now go and console the lady Fulvia.

Fannio

I’m afraid she won’t get much consolation –not this time, anyway.

Ruffo

Why, yes she will. Lidio is going to use the female organ with her.

Fannio

That’s right. Well, shall we go?

Ruffo

Yes. Is Lidio ready?

Fannio

He’s waiting for me nearby, and he’s done such a good job that no one would ever guess he wasn’t a woman.

Ruffo

Wonderful. Well, Fulvia is expecting you, so get Lidio and go to her. I’ll wait here and see what happens. I see she is standing on her doorstep now, waiting. It didn’t take her long to get ready.

Scene XXII

Fessenio, Fulvia

Fessenio

No need to worry anymore, my lady.

Fulvia

What do you mean?

Fessenio

I mean that Lidio is more anxious to see you than you are to see him. No sooner did I tell him what you asked me to than he got himself ready; he’s on his way here now.

Fulvia

Dear Fessenio, this is the kind of news I like to hear, and you shall be rewarded for it. Listen to Calandro upstairs, asking for his clothes so he can go out again. Better not stay, or he’ll see us together. Oh, how glad you have made me! Things are really looking up now. As soon as I have let that buzzard out of his cage, I shall feel free.

Exit

Fessenio

These lovers are going to make up for lost time, and if Lidio is wise, he’ll forget about his sister. Calandro won’t be at home; they will have lots of time to enjoy themselves. I can afford to take a walk now. Ah, Calandro is coming out. I’d better go, because if he stop to talk with me, he might see Lidio, who ought to be here any minute.

Scene XXIII

Calandro, Lidio as Santilla, Santilla in woman’s dress accompanied by Fannio in woman’s dress

Calandro

I see I am in luck: no sooner do I step outside the house than I see my beloved coming my way. Heavens! What shall I say to her? Good morning? No, it’s not that early. Good evening? No, it’s not that late. Good bless you? No, too casual. Mistress of my soul? But that’s not a greeting. Heart of my body? No, too commonplace. Angel face? Too vulgar. Divine spirit? No, that’s not right either. Oh, my, here she is now. Spirit, heart, angel: which shall I say? Oh, damn, what a fool I am! I was mistaken; this isn’t Santilla –there she is over there. (Addresses Santilla.) Good morning... that is, good evening. Oh, no, she’s not the one. It must be the other one after all. (Approaches Lidio.) No, I think it was the other. No, it must be this one. No, it’s the other. Damn!

Lidio

This madman thinks I am a woman: he has fallen in love with me and will follow me all the way to his house. I’ll go home, change, and go to Fulvia later.

Calandro

It’s the one across the street. I’ll go follow her.

Santilla

(Follows Lidio)(to Fannio) He’s gone the other way. Quick, now –let’s slip inside before he comes back. There is Fulvia, waiting to let us in.

Act IV

Scene I

Fulvia, Samia

Fulvia

Samia, oh, Samia!

Samia

Yes, my lady.

Fulvia

Come down here right away!

Samia

Coming.

Fulvia

Faster, for God’s sake. Faster!

Samia

Here I am. What is it?

Fulvia

Go quickly, find Ruffo the magician, and tell him to come here at once.

Samia

Let me go upstairs and get my hat.

Fulvia

Forget your hat, stupid! Go as you are. There’s not a moment to lose!

Samia

(grumbling) What the devil is she so angry about? She’s on fire about something, and Lidio doesn’t seem to have quenched it.

Exit

Fulvia

O false spirits and stupid human beings! How I have been deceived! How unhappy I am! I have harmed not only myself but also him whom I love even more than myself. Miserable me, who have what I asked for and found what I wasn’t looking for! If the spirit can’t help me, I am ready to kill myself: suicide would be better than a life of misery. Here comes Ruffo; soon I shall find out what my fate is to be. No one’s in sight, so I’ll talk to him out here. That’s better than indoors, for even walls have ears.

Scene II

Ruffo, Fulvia

Ruffo

What is it, my lady?

Fulvia

There tears, even more than words, show you how I feel.

Ruffo

But what is it? Don’t cry, my lady.

Fulvia

Ah, Ruffo, I don’t know if it’s my ignorance or your treachery that’s to blame.

Ruffo

What are you saying, my lady?

Fulvia

Whether it was my fault, or whether the heavens willed it, or whether the spirit acted maliciously –I don’t know the reason, but Lidio has been changed from a man into a woman. I discovered this when I was feeling him over. And though I have been deprived of my pleasure, I do not weep for my own sake so much as for Lidio, who because of me has lost that which he prizes most. Now you know the reason for these tears and will be able to understand what I want you to do.

Ruffo

My lady, if I did not see these tears, which would be hard indeed to feign, I would have trouble believing you; but seeing that they are real, I can assure you that you need weep only for yourself. I remember you asked that Lidio visit you in the form of a woman, and now it occurs to me that the spirit, wishing to follow your instructions to the letter, sent your lover to you as a woman both in dress and in body. So cheer up, because he who could change him into a woman can change him back again into a man.

Fulvia

This explanation makes me feel better already. If you can return Lidio to me whole, you shall have money, clothing, anything that is mine to give.

Ruffo

I know the spirit will do as you wish, so I can promise you that he will change your lover back into a man immediately. However, in order to avoid making another mistake, state your wishes clearly this time.

Fulvia

First, that he be given back the dagger for my sheath. Do you know what I mean?

Ruffo

Quite.

Fulvia

And that he visit me in the dress of a woman, not in the body of one.

Ruffo

If you had said this earlier, this mistake would not have happened. But I’m glad it did, because now you know how powerful my spirit is.

Fulvia

Ruffo, I beg you to relieve my suspense. I won’t have a moment’s peace of mind until I see him.

Ruffo

You will be able to touch him as well as see him.

Fulvia

When? Today?

Ruffo

It’s late now. He’d only be able to stay with you a short time.

Fulvia

He wouldn’t have to say. I would just want to make sure he was changed back into a man again.

Ruffo

Ah, my lady, that would be like a thirsty man going to a fountain and being unable to drink.

Fulvia

He’ll come tonight, then?

Ruffo

If you wish. You can wait for him just inside the door.

Fulvia

That’s not necessary. As long as he’s dressed like a woman, no one will know he’s not one.

Ruffo

As you wish.

Fulvia

Be of good cheer, Ruffo. You’ll never want for anything again.

Ruffo

No more will you, my lady.

Fulvia

And he’ll come right away?

Ruffo

The moment I get home.

Fulvia

I’ll send Samia along so you can let me know what the spirit says.

Ruffo

Do so, and don’t forget that the lover, too, must have his reward.

Fulvia

Don’t worry; he’ll have money and jewels aplenty.

Ruffo

Go in peace. (Exit Fulvia) Love is painted blind with good reason, for he who loves never sees the truth. This woman is so blinded by her passion that she believes a spirit can make a person male or female at will, as if all that had to be done to make a woman out of a man was to pull out the root and replace it with a crack, and then, to turn him back into a man, sew up the mouth down there and replace it with a peg. Oh, the credulity of lovers! Ah, here comes Lidio and Fannio; I see they have already changed their clothes.

Scene III

Ruffo, Santilla as Lidio, Fannio

Ruffo

You must get dressed up again.

Santilla

Why?

Ruffo

To go back to Fulvia. Ha, ha!

Fannio

Why are you giggling in that obscene way?

Ruffo

Ha, ha, ha!

Santilla

Come, what is it?

Ruffo

Ha, ha! Fulvia, believing the spirit changed Lidio into a woman, wants him to change back into a man again and revisit her.

Santilla

What did you tell her?

Ruffo

That it would be done right away.

Fannio

You said the right thing.

Ruffo

When will you go back then?

Santilla

I don’t know.

Ruffo

You don’t seem very enthusiastic. Don’t you want to?

Fannio

Yes, we’ll go.

Ruffo

You must be sure to do so, because I told her the spirit promised you would.

Fannio

Don’t worry. We’ll go back.

Ruffo

When?

Fannio

Just as soon as we finish our errand, we’ll dress up again and go back.

Ruffo

Don’t fail to do so. I see her maid standing in the door; I don’t want her to see me talking with you, so good-bye. Oh, wait! Fannio, let me have a word with you privately. This time, see that our dainty gentleman uses his pestle instead of his mortar with the lady Fulvia.

Fannio

I’ll do that. Good-bye.

Scene IV

Fannio, Santilla as Lidio, Samia

Fannio

Samia is coming out. Let’s step aside and let her go by without seeing us.

Santilla

She is talking to herself.

Fannio

Be quiet, and listen.

Samia

This is what comes of meddling with the spirits: just see what they’ve done to Lidio.

Fannio

She’s talking about you.

Samia

First they made a woman out of him, and now they want to make a man out of him; this is a hard day for him and for me, too. But if they succeed, everything will be all right. I’ll soon find out, because my mistress has sent me to ask the magician. She is so sure of the outcome that she is getting together a sum of money to give to Lidio.

Fannio

Did you hear that about the money?

Santilla

I did.

Fannio

Then let’s get ready to go back.

Santilla

Fannie, you must be out of your mind. I don’t know what you could have been thinking about to promise Ruffo that we’d go back there.

Fannio

Why can’t we?

Santilla

Silly man, as if you didn’t know I am a woman.

Fannio

So what?

Santilla

So what, he says! Don’t you know, stupid, that if I reveal my sex, I’ll bring harm to myself, disappointment to Fulvia, and cause Ruffo to lose his standing with her? How can you prevent that?

Fannio

You ask how?

Santilla

Yes.

Fannio

Where there are men, there are means.

Santilla

But where there are only women, like her and me, the means are lacking.

Fannio

Don’t worry. When I promised Ruffo that you would revisit the lady Fulvia, I knew what I was doing: I had it all figured out.

Santilla

How?

Fannio

Didn’t you tell me it was dark in her bedroom?

Santilla

Yes, it was.

Fannio

And that she did not talk with you but only felt you with her hands?

Santilla

That’s right.

Fannio

Well, I’ll go there with you, they way we did before.

Santilla

Yes?

Fannio

That is. I’ll go as a maid.

Santilla

Well, and then?

Fannio

Dressed as a woman, like yourself.

Santilla

I understand that. But then what?

Fannio

When you get in her room, pretend you have something to say to me. Come out of the room and take my place outside while I go inside and pretend to be you. She won’t be able to tell the difference in the darkness. She’ll think the spirit has changed you back into a man: we shall have all the money we want, and moreover I’ll be able to enjoy myself.

Santilla

Fannio, I never heard of a cleverer plan than this.

Fannio

So you see I was right to tell Ruffo we would go back.

Santilla

Indeed you were. But in the meantime it would be a good idea to find out what’s going on at the house about this wedding of mine.

Fannio

As to that, I see no way out: better not think about it in advance.

Santilla

Putting things off is not going to solve them. They won’t look any better tomorrow than they do today.

Fannio

Who can say? One thing at a time. Where the lady Fulvia is concerned we stand only to gain.

Santilla

All right, but first go to my house and find out from Tiresia what is going on. Come back quickly, and then we’ll go to Fulvia’s.

Fannio

I will.

Scene V

Fessenio, Samia

Fessenio

What seems to be the trouble?

Samia

My mistress has the devil in her.

Fessenio

Ah?

Samia

The magician changed Lidio into a woman.

Fessenio

Ha, ha, ha!

Samia

You think it’s funny?

Fessenio

Indeed I do.

Samia

It’s the gospel truth.

Fessenio

You’re not serious, are you?

Samia

Of course I am, stupid. And whether you believe it or not, that’s what’s happened. My mistress felt of him and found out he was a woman.

Fessenio

Well, what’s she going to do now?

Samia

You don’t believe me, so I’m not going to tell you.

Fessenio

I swear I do. Tell me what she’s going to do next.

Samia

The spirit is going to change him back into a man. I have just been to see Ruffo; he was given me this note to take to my mistress.

Fessenio

Let me read it.

Samia

Oh, no! Something might happen to you.

Fessenio

Even if I should drop dead, I want to see it.

Samia

Fessenio, be careful. Don’t meddle with the spirits.

Fessenio

I’m not afraid. Show it to me.

Samia

Don’t, Fessenio. Or at least cross yourself first.

Fessenio

Come, let’s have a look.

Samia

Well, all right... but you must promise to be as silent as the grave. If anyone found out I let you see it, it would be bad for both of us.

Fessenio

Don’t worry. Give it here.

Samia

Read it out loud.

Fessenio

(reading) Greetings from Ruffo to Fulvia. The spirit, when he learned the effect of what he had done, was much amused. No one was to blame but yourself, but rest assured that he will restore to your lover the part that is now missing and send him back to you right away. He says moreover that Lidio loves you more than ever, so much so that he will never again give his heart to anyone else. But that you are not to speak to anyone of this, or a dreadful scandal might result. That, finally, you are to send money to him and also to the spirit, to show your gratitude both to him and to me. Be of good cheer, and do not forget your faithful servant Ruffo.

Samia

Now you see it is true there is nothing the spirits do not know and cannot do.

Fessenio

I can hardy believe it.

Samia

I am anxious to bring this good news to my mistress.

Fessenio

Go, and God be with you. (Exit Samia.) Good heavens, am I to believe that Lidio has really been changed into a man by magic, and that he will never love anyone again except Fulvia? Only God could work such a miracle, and yet Samia says that Fulvia felt him carefully. I intend to see this miracle with my own eyes, before he changes into a man again, and then, if it’s as she says, I’ll worship this magician forever. I’ll go to Lidio now; I may find him at home.

Act V

Scene I

Samia, Santilla as Lidio, Lidio

Samia

How true it is that women do to money what the sun does to ice: they consume it completely. My mistress no sooner read Ruffo's note than she gave me this bag of money to take to Lidio. There he is now. Now, Lidio, you will see how the lady Fulvia keeps her word. (To Santilla.) Come, here it is. Take it.

Santilla

Here I am.

Lidio

No, give it here.

Samia

Oh, I made a mistake. (To Santilla.) Excuse me, sir. I wanted this gentleman, not you.

Santilla

Now you are mistaken. Come, do your business with me, and let that gentleman go.

Samia

You are right; I’m sorry. (To Lidio.) Good-bye, sir. (To Santilla.) You come here.

Lidio

What do you mean good-bye? Here, look at me.

Samia

(To Lidio) Oh, yes... it is you after all. (To Santilla.) It’s this gentleman I want. You may leave us.

Santilla

Leave you? What do you mean? Am I not Lidio?

Samia

Why, yes, I think you are. (To Lidio.) You go away, sir.

Lidio

What’s the matter with you? Look at me carefully. Am I not the one?

Samia

Why, of course. I’m sorry. You are Lidio. (To Santilla.) You leave us, please.

Santilla

You fool, I am Lidio; he’s not.

Samia

Well, well, you are right.
(To Lidio.) Do please leave us alone.

Lidio

What are you trying to do, you bitch? You know the money belongs to me, yet you want to give it to this fellow.

Santilla

What do you mean, yours? Give it to me.

Lidio

No, to me.

Santilla

Why to you? You are not Lidio; I am.

Lidio

Give it here.

Santilla

Here!

Samia

Don’t touch it, either of you, or I’ll scream. Let me have a good look at you both. Good, God, what a miracle! These two resemble each other more than snow resembles snow, or one egg another. I don’t know which of you is Lidio: first it seems the one, then the other. But I know how I’ll find out. Tell me, is either of you gentlemen in love?

Lidio

I am.

Santilla

And so am I.

Samia

Which one?

Lidio

Santilla

Samia

Where does this money come from?

Lidio

From a lady.

Santilla

From my sweetheart.

Samia

Oh, heavens! Still not clear. Tell me, who is this sweetheart?

Lidio

Fulvia.

Santilla

Fulvia.

Samia

Which of you is her lover?

Lidio

I am.

Santilla

I am.

Lidio

What do you mean, you are?

Santilla

I mean I am.

Lidio

You’re not. I am.

Samia

Ah, me, what is all this? Which Fulvia are you talking about?

Lidio

Calandro’s wife.

Santilla

(To Samia) And your mistress.

Samia

Still no light. Either I have lost my mind, or these men are bewitched. Tell me, how were you dressed when you went to her?

Lidio

As a woman.

Santilla

As a young lady.

Samia

This is too much. But oh, now I will find out. When did my mistress want her lover to visit her?

Lidio

By day.

Santilla

At midday.

Samia

What the devil! This is certainly a fiendish plot of some kind, thought up by that damned spirit. I’d better go back to my mistress with this money and let her give it to whomever she wishes. Gentlemen, I’m sure you understand –I don’t know which of you to give it to. My mistress will surely know who her lover is, so whichever of you is Lidio go to see her and you may be sure that she will give it to you.

Exit

Lidio

(aside) My own reflection in the mirror looks less like me than does this fellow; I shall soon know who he is. Such adventures don’t happen every day, and Fulvia may change her mind. This is quite a lot of money. I’d better go pay her a visit, the way I used to.

Exit

Santilla

That must be the man that I was mistaken for. I wonder what is keeping Fannio? If he were here, as he said he would be, we could go to Fulvia’s and maybe collect a lot of money. But he’s not, and I have to do something about this wedding I’m supposed to be in.

Scene II

Fessenio, Santilla, Fannio

Fessenio

(apart) I couldn’t find Lidio anywhere.

Santilla

(apart) What am I going to do now?

Fessenio

(apart) If I don’t get to the bottom of this, and find out if it’s true that Lidio has been changed into a woman, it won’t be my fault. Oh! Is that him over there? No, I don’t think so. Yes, it is. He does seem changed.

Santilla

(apart) Ah, me!

Fessenio

(apart) He is talking to himself.

Santilla

(apart) What a mess all this is!

Fessenio

(apart) I wonder what’s the matter?

Santilla

(apart) Must I be ruined so soon?

Fessenio

(apart) What ruin is he talking about?

Santilla

(apart) Because of too much love?

Fessenio

(apart) I wonder what he means by that.

Santilla

(apart) Will I have to stop wearing these clothes?

Fessenio

(apart) My, my, his voice certainly has become feminine. What a pity!

Santilla

(apart) And lose all the freedom I have enjoyed?

Fessenio

(apart) Well, it’s true, all right. There’s no longer any doubt about it.

Santilla

(apart) Now everyone will know I’m a woman. I’ll never be able to pass for a man again.

Fessenio

(apart) True enough. The harm’s been done now.

Santilla

(apart) From now on I must call myself Santilla, and not Lidio.

Fessenio

(apart) Sad but true.

Santilla

(apart) I’d be better off if they had let me die the day Modone was captured.

Fessenio

(apart) Oh, cruel fate! He’s taking this very hard. If I hadn’t heard it from his own lips, I’d never believe it. I’ll speak to him. (To Lidio.) Oh, Lidio.

Santilla

Who is this wretch?

Fessenio

Why do you call me a wretch, as if you didn’t know who I am?

Santilla

I never knew you and I don’t care to.

Fessenio

So you don’t know your own servant anymore?

Santilla

You my servant?

Fessenio

If you don’t want me, I’ll be someone else’s.

Santilla

Please leave me alone. I have no time for drunkards.

Fessenio

Either you are drunk or you have lost your memory. But don’t think you can hide from me, because I know all about your little accident.

Santilla

What accident?

Fessenio

When the magician changed you into a woman.

Santilla

I a woman?

Fessenio

Yes, a woman.

Santilla

You are mistaken. (Fessenio approaches, attempts to feel her.) You wretch! What are you trying to do?

Fessenio

I want to make sure.

Santilla

How dare you touch me, you brute?

Fessenio

(persisting) I’ll find out or die in the attempt.

Santilla

Miserable creature, don’t you dare! Help! Fannio! Help!

Fannio

What’s going on here?

Santilla

This impudent fellow claims that I am a woman, and is trying to feel me against my will.

Fannio

How dare you do such a thing?

Fessenio

What right have you to come between my master and me?

Fannio

Your master?

Fessenio

Of course. Why?

Fannio

My good man, you are mistaken. I know for a fact that you are not his servant, nor he your master, because I am his servant, and he is my master.

Fessenio

That cannot be. I am his servant, and he is my master. You are both lying.

Santilla

I’m not surprised that you speak with such arrogance, since you acted with such presumption.

Fessenio

Nor am I surprised that you have forgotten who I am, since you have forgotten your own identity.

Fannio

(to Fessenio) Mind what you say to him.

Santilla

I don’t know my own identity?

Fessenio

My lord, or rather my lady, if you knew who you were, you would know who I am.

Santilla

I know well enough who I am, but as for you, I have no idea.

Fessenio

Say rather that in losing yourself you have found someone else.

Santilla

And who is it that I have found?

Fessenio

Your sister Santilla, for now, since you have changed into a woman, she is in you; and since you are no longer a man, you have lost yourself. You are no longer Lidio.

Santilla

Lidio? Who is Lidio?

Fessenio

Poor fellow! He doesn’t remember a thing. Come, master, don’t you remember being Lidio of Medone, son of Demetrius, brother of Santilla, pupil of Polinico, master of Fessenio, lover of the lady Fulvia?

Santilla

Fannio, did you hear that? Oh, yes, I know the lady Fulvia.

Fessenio

He remembers no one but Fulvia; it’s obvious he’s been bewitched.

Scene III

Lidio in women’s dress, Fessenio, Santilla as Lidio, Fannio

Lidio

Fessenio, oh, Fessenio!

Fessenio

Who is that woman waving to me? (To Fannio.) You wait –I haven’t finished with you yet.

Santilla

Fannio, if I dared to think that my brother was still alive, I would be full of hope. That person (indicating Lidio) must be the one they have mistaken me for.

Fannio

You are not sure of your brother’s death?

Santilla

By no means.

Fannio

For now I am quite certain that that is indeed our lost Lidio, and now it seems to me that I also recognize this man as – Fessenio!

Santilla

Oh, God, I begin to feel my heart grow light with joy.

Fessenio

(to Lidio) I’m still not sure if you are Lidio or if the other one is. Let me have a better look at you.

Lidio

What’s the matter with you? Have you been drinking?

Fessenio

Yes, you are Lidio all right, and you are a man, too.

Lidio

I am on my way to see the lady Fulvia.

Fessenio

That’s right; she’s waiting to give you the money.

Santilla

What’s that you said?

Fessenio

If I’ve said or done anything to offend you, I beg your pardon, for now I realize that you have been mistaken for my master.

Santilla

Who is your master?

Fessenio

One Lidio of Modone, and he looks so much like you I thought you were he.

Santilla

Dear Fannio, everything is clear now. (To Fessenio) What is your name?

Fessenio

Fessenio, sir, at your service.

Santilla

Now there is no longer any doubt of it. Oh, how happy we are! (Embraces Fessenio.) Dear Fessenio, you are mine!

Fessenio

What are all these caresses for? And why do you say I am yours? When I said I was your servant a moment ago, I was lying: I am not, not are you my master. I have another master, so you must seek another servant.

Santilla

You are mine, and I am yours!

Fannio

(embraces Fessenio) Oh, my dear Fessenio!

Fessenio

What does all this mean? Something’s going on here that I don’t know about.

Fannio

This is Santilla, your master’s sister.

Fessenio

Our Santilla?

Fannio

Shh, no so loud. Yes, it is. And I am Fannio.

Fessenio

(embraces Fannio.) Fannio! My dear fellow!

Fannio

Not here; someone’s coming. Don’t say anything about it.

Scene IV

Samia, Fessenio, Santilla as Lidio, Fannio

Samia

Boohoo! Boohoo! My mistress and I are done for. Ruined! And out of a clear sky. Boohoo!

Fessenio

What’s the matter with you, Samia?

Samia

Oh, my poor mistress!

Fessenio

Why, what’s the matter?

Samia

Oh, my dear Fessenio, we are done for.

Fessenio

But what is it? Come, speak up.

Samia

Bad news.

Fessenio

How so?

Samia

Calandro’s brothers founds your master Lidio with my mistress. They have sent for Calandro and for her brothers, too. They are going to denounce her to them and maybe kill Lidio.

Fessenio

What’s this? Oh, my poor master! Are they holding him prisoner?

Samia

No.

Fessenio

Why didn’t he run away then?

Samia

Because of my mistress. She is in hopes that before Calandro and her brothers get to the house, the magician will change Lidio back into a woman. That way he’ll keep his life and my mistress her reputation: if he saved himself now, by running away, she would surely be ruined. That’s where I’m going now –to see Ruffo.

Fessenio

Wait a minute. What part of the house is Lidio in?

Samia

Both he and my mistress are in the bedroom on the first floor.

Fessenio

Isn’t there a window in the rear of that room?

Samia

Yes, he could escape easily enough if he wanted to.

Fessenio

That’s not why I asked. If someone were to slip in through that window, would he be notice?

Samia

Probably not.

Fessenio

Samia, this magician business is a lot of nonsense. If you want to save you mistress, go back to the house, and if there’s anybody in the hall, try to get rid of them.

Samia

Well, all right. I’ll do as you say, but I hope you know what you’re doing.

Fessenio

Don’t worry. Run along now.

Exit Samia

Santilla

Ah, me, Fessenio, it look as if fate has arranged that I should no sooner find my brother than I should lose him again; no sooner does he come to life than he must lose it.

Fessenio

Now is no time for tears: this situation calls for quick action and clear thinking. No one is looking now, so swap clothes with Fannio. Quickly –that’s it. Don’t worry; I’m coming with you. Fannio, you wait here. Now, Santilla, I’ll tell you what you must do.

Exeuent Fessenio and Santilla

Fannio

What a strange predicament this brother and sister find themselves in! This will either be the happiest or the worst day of their lives, depending on how it ends. It seems that heaven made them similar not only in their appearance but also in their fortunes: each of them is now in a position where what profits one profits both and where what harms one harms the other. Until I can see further ahead I am unable either to rejoice or despair, fear or hope. I pray heaven that Lidio and Santilla will somehow find a way out of all this. In the meantime, I’ll step aside and wait for the outcome.

Scene V

Lidio alone

Lidio

I have been delivered from great danger, and I scarcely know how it happened. While I was in that room, bewailing the misfortune that overtook my mistress and me, someone sent by Fessenio jumps into the room through the rear window, dressed himself in my clothes, and gives me his. Then Fessenio told me to slip out the window, saying not to worry, that everything would turn out all right. Just a few moments ago things couldn’t have looked worse; now I am pleased with the way they seem to be working out. Fessenio stayed behind to tell Fulvia something. I’d better wait here to see what happens. Oh, there is my mistress now, standing on the threshold. She looks happy, too.

Scene VI

Fulvia alone

Fulvia

This has been quite a day for me, but everything has turned out for the best, thank heaven. I couldn’t be more pleased: my reputation has been saved and so has Lidio’s life. And now it will be easier than ever for me to see him as often as I like. Whoever wouldn’t be satisfied with that wouldn’t be human.

Scene VII

Calandro, accompanied by two of Fulvia’s brothers, Fulvia

Calandro

Wretched woman, what are you doing at that door? How can you stand there and wait for me like that, knowing you have hung horns on me? I don’t know how I can keep myself from beating the breath out of your body, but first I want you to see me kill the man you have in that room, you slut, and then I’m going to tear the eyes out of your head.

Fulvia

Alas, my husband, what is the meaning of all this? Why do you act as if I were guilty of something, when I am not? What is the reason for such cruelty?

Calandro

Shameless woman, how can you keep pretending, as if we didn’t know you have a man in there, dressed in woman’s clothes?

Fulvia

My brothers, this wretched man wants to expose what I have always kept hidden, and that is my patience and the many outrages I have suffered at his hands. There is no wife in all the world more faithful than I, nor treated worse. And he dares to say that I have made him wear horns!

Calandro

It’s true, you miserable creature, and now I’m going to prove it to your brothers.

Fulvia

Go on in, all of you, and see who it is I have in my room that this miserable little worm says he is going to kill.

Scene VIII

Lidio alone

Lidio

Fessenio said everything would be all right, but it doesn’t look that way, and I’m beginning to be suspicious. I didn’t know who that was he made me swap clothes with. I don’t see Fessenio, and Calandro has gone in the house, threatening Fulvia. He is beside himself with rage and may hurt her. If I hear any trouble, I’ll go inside, no matter what, and either protect her or die for her. No true lover was ever lacking in courage.

Scene IX

Fannio, Lidio

Fannio

There is Lidio over there, or rather Santilla. Let’s change again. Give me back my clothes, and I’ll give you yours.

Lidio

Why, what do you mean?

Fannio

It’s been such a short time since Fessenio made you change clothes that you can’t have forgotten. Come, give me those and take these.

Lidio

Certainly I remember changing clothes, but those aren’t the ones I gave you.

Fannio

What’s wrong with you? Do you think I’d have gone and sold them?

Lidio

Don’t make me angry. Oh, there is Fessenio.

Scene X

Fessenio alone

Fessenio

Ha, ha, ha! They thought that under that dress they’d find the young man they suspected Fulvia of amusing herself with: they were going to kill him and denounce her, but when they found out it was a girl, they quieted down and apologized to Fulvia, saying she was the most virtuous woman in all the world. Now her reputation is secure, and so is my own happiness. They have let Santilla go; I see her coming out now. And there is Lidio, too.

Scene XI

Santilla, Fessenio, Lidio, Fannio

Santilla

Where is my brother, Fessenio?

Fessenio

There he is over there, still wearing the clothes you gave him. Let’s go to him. Lidio, do you know who this is?

Lidio

Not for sure. Tell me.

Fessenio

The one who saved you by taking your place at the lady Fulvia’s, and for whom you have been looking so long.

Lidio

Who?

Fessenio

Your Santilla.

Lidio

My sister?

Santilla

I am you sister, and you are my brother.

Lidio

Are you really Santilla? But I see now that you are. Oh, my dear sister, for whom I have wished and searched so long! Now at last I am satisfied; now I have gained my wish; now I am the happiest man alive.

Santilla

Beloved brother of mine, though I see you and touch you, I can scarcely believe you are really he whom I thought dead and for whom I mourned so long. Now that I find you are alive, my joy is as great as my grief was then.

Lidio

And I, my dear sister, love you all the more because of what you did for me today: if it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t be alive to say this.

Santilla

Now that I have recovered somewhat from this shock, allow me to present to you our servant Fannio, who has always served me faithfully.

Lidio

Dear Fannio, I remember you quite well, and in having served one of us you have served us both. You shall be rewarded for it.

Fannio

My greatest reward, sir, is to see you alive and rejoined with your sister.

Santilla

Dear Fessenio, why are you looking at us so hard?

Fessenio

Never in all my life have I seen a man resemble another man so much as you and your brother resemble each other. I understand now the reason for all these strange mistakes.

Santilla

They have been strange indeed.

Lidio

And more numerous than either of you realizes.

Fessenio

We’ll have time to talk about that later. Right now the most important thing is this: when I told the lady Fulvia that this was your sister Santilla, she was greatly pleased and said that, if everyone is willing, Santilla would become the wife of her son Flaminio.

Santilla

Now I understand why, when we were in the room together, she kissed me tenderly and said: I don’t know which of us three is the happiest; Lidio has found a sister, I a daughter, and you a husband.

Lidio

It could all be true, too.

Fannio

I know of a better plan still.

Lidio

What is that?

Fannio

As Fessenio says, you two are so much alike that you would fool anybody.

Santilla

I know what you mean –that Lidio should take my place in the marriage with Perillo’s daughter.

Lidio

That’s settled then?

Santilla

As settled as the weather.

Lidio

How fortunate we are! After so fierce a storm, how beautiful a calm! We shall be even better off than we were in Modone.

Fessenio

As much better off than Italy is worthier than Greece; than Rome is statelier tha Modone; and than two fortunes are better than one. We shall all be gainers.

Lidio

Come, let’s get started.

Fessenio

(to audience) Good people, the weddings will take place tomorrow. Whoever wishes to see them should stay, but whoever to avoid the inconvenience of waiting till then, let him go about his business, as we are finished with ours. VALETE ET PLAUDITE.

Bernardo Dovizi da Bibbiena, La Calandria

The Follies of Calandro

Act I

Scene I

Scene II

Scene III

Scene IV

Scene V

Scene VI

Scene VII

Scene VIII

Act II

Scene I

Scene II

Scene III

Scene IV

Scene V

Scene VI

Scene VII

Scene VIII

Scene IX

Scene X

Act III

Scene I

Scene II

Scene III

Scene IV

Scene V

Scene VI

Scene VII

Scene VIII

Scene IX

Scene X

Scene XI

Scene XII

Scene XIII

Scene XIV

Scene XV

Scene XVI

Scene XVII

Scene XVIII

Scene XIX

Scene XX

Scene XXI

Scene XXII

Scene XXIII

Act IV

Scene I

Scene II

Scene III

Scene IV

Scene V

Act V

Scene I

Scene II

Scene III

Scene IV

Scene V

Scene VI

Scene VII

Scene VIII

Scene IX

Scene X

Scene XI